big vlad is back! written by vladimir perez and j. william ...grimy music video. narrator (v.o.) in...

BIG VLAD IS BACK!

written by

Vladimir Perez and J. William Terwilliger

BIG VLAD IS BACK

[email protected]

COLD OPEN

EXT. SCHOOL YARD - BROOKLYN - DAY

BIG VLAD (18), a young, husky Puerto Rican rapper dressed in baggy jeans, and a XXL bubble goose coat poses hard in a 1999 grimy music video.

NARRATOR (V.O.)In the late 1990's the music world was blessed with an explosion of Latin talent from Fat Joe and Big Pun to J Lo and Rico Suave. And then in 1999 came maybe the second best thing ever, after that Macarena Song: Big Vlad.

Source Magazine cover of a sweaty Big Vlad wringing out a bandana.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)Big Vlad's debut album "Summer Sweat Rag" was the first and only album to ever receive 6 mics from The Source Magazine. It was a certified classic.

INT. HOTEL SUITE HOT TUB - NIGHT

Big Vlad is in a hot tub surrounded by video vixens. He wears big shade, silk robe, and Versace swimmies on his arms.

NARRATOR (V.O.)His second Album, "Bigger Is Better" went triple platinum, thanks to hit singles "Vladdy Daddy" and "I'm Good at Sex". He became a household name over night, just as his mentor, legendary rap producer Coco-Caine, predicted he would.

Picture of Big Vlad with COCO-CAINE holding up platinum record plaque. Hugging each other while spilling champagne.

INT. BACKSTAGE GREENROOM AFTER A CONCERT -NIGHT

Coco-Caine with arm around Big Vlad. Posse members in background.

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 2.

COCO-CAINEI found him! I created him! And 90% percent of the publishing royalties are legally mine!

Pictures of Big Vlad with Jay-Z, P. Diddy, Dr. Dre, and Rosie O'Donnell.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Big Vlad was rubbing shoulders with some of the biggest names in hip hop.

Montage: Big Vlad with a Grammy statue, Big Vlad performing on stage in front of huge crowds, and Big Vlad with Vlad Wear clothes.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)Big Vlad was on his way up. He won prestigious awards, sold out concerts, and started his own clothing line.

EXT. LOS ANGELES RIVER BENEATH UNDERPASS -DAY

YAYA (20's) A Latina video vixene, is dancing up against Big Vlad in another rap video clip while simultaneously trying to keep the other keep the others off of Big Vlad.

NARRATOR (V.O.)He even met the love of his life, a video vixen turned entrepreneur known as "Yaya".

EXT. EXOTIC BEACH - DAY

Big Vlad and Yaya kiss in a cabana. Big Vlad watches another girl walk by and Yaya slaps him. The image freezes and it becomes a tabloid cover.

NARRATOR (V.O.)But what goes up, must come down.

INT. RADIO STATION - NYC - DAY

Two radio DJs interview the rapper GRIMY CASTRO. Big Vlad enters wearing a medallion so large that two ENTOURAGE MEMBERS have to hold it up. Vlad and Grimy Castro push and shove each other. Entourage Members abandon medallion to fight with Grimy Castro's BODYGUARDS. Big Vlad falls to ground, pinned under the medallion.

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 3.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Despite all the money in the world, and the girl of his dreams, Big Vlad started on the path towards self destruction...

INT. NICKELODEON TEEN CHOICE AWARDS - NIGHT

A CHILD ACTOR on stage receives an award. Big Vlad stumbles out drunk with liquor bottle. He tries to take award, but loses balance and falls offstage. Audience is horrified. Reaction shot of Frankie Muniz looks on in disgust.

CUT TO:

Rap album cover of Big Vlad, with his face painted different colors. The album cover reads "Big Vlad: Please Like Me (Street Therapy)".

NARRATOR (V.O.)Feeling lost, Big Vlad began an introspective journey. "Please Like Me" was written after months of spiritual guidance with a controversial Brooklyn guru: His Holiness, Bodhisattva Swami Melvin Rodriguez, but with songs like, "Your Feelings Matter, Too", "This Gangsta Needs a Hug" and "I'm Still Good At Sex", the record tanked. And it would be the last album he ever made.

INT. MTV NEWSROOM - DAY

SWAY, well respected Hip Hop journalist and radio personality reports breaking news.

SWAYThe music world has suffered a tremendous loss: legendary emcee Big Vlad, along with his hype man and cousin Papito died this morning.

CUT TO:

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 4.

EXT. OCEAN -DAY

News footage of a yacht on fire. Debris floats in the water, such as big ass pants, champagne bottles, and various Goya products.

SWAY (V.O.)Off the coast of Miami Beach when Big Vlad's yacht, the "SS BARCO" exploded. He is survived by his fiancé Yaya. They had no children together.

EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY STREET -DAY

Fans cry and gather around a graffiti mural.

NARRATOR (V.O.)January 12th, 2003: the world lost a legend, but true legends never die.

EXT. HAVANA CUBA - DAY

Big Vlad is in disguise, in various Big Foot sighting style photos. Photo of Big Vlad fishing with Fidel Castro.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)Like Biggie and Tupac before him, fans suspected Big Vlad was still alive.

INT. MTV NEWSROOM - DAY

15 YEARS LATER: SWAY reports on Big Vlad again.

SWAYWe got an incredible update. Big Vlad, legendary New York City rapper has just shown up on the shores of Miami 15 years after his disappearance.

EXT. MIAMI BEACH - DAY

Big Vlad is in sunglasses trying to get through a crowd of paparazzi taking pictures. A REPORTER puts a microphone in his face.

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 5.

REPORTERBig Vlad. You were thought to be dead for 15 years. What are you doing back?

BIG VLADYo son, two days ago, me and Papito were out fishing and we almost died for real this time. I knew I had to come back, record a dope new album, and do at least 5 seasons of my own reality show. Wednesday nights at 9PM on whatever network gives me the biggest check baby!

EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY

Big Vlad walks down street with Papito, various posse members, and media. As he walks, the mural from earlier is revealed, but now it's graffitied over with "LIAR". Big Vlad looks at his mural.

BIG VLADYo! My mural!

END OF COLD OPEN

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 6.

ACT ONE

BIG VLAD TALKING HEAD

BIG VLADMan it feels good to be back. First order of business: Link up with my man Coco-Caine. I got some ideas for a new album. He's gonna love it.

INT. COCO RECORDS -LOS ANGELES- DAY

COCO-CAINEI hate it. Damn Big V, it's good to see you baby, but your timing couldn't be worse.

PAPITOWhat you mean?

BIG VLADYeah. How could me being alive ever be bad timing?

COCO-CAINEI'm launching my next act, The Yung OGs and they're FIRE.

BIG VLADWhat's that gotta do with me?

COCO-CAINEI'm doing an album of Big Vlad songs remixed with The Yung OGs on it for a tribute to your 15 year deathaversary, along with a big concert, but you turning up ALIVE is killing the marketing and download sales.

BIG VLADWhat's a download? Also, what's marketing?

COCO-CAINEGod damn Big V, Don't they got iTunes in Cuba? Spotify? Tidal?

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 7.

PAPITOI got all three Coco. This fool is still stuck in 2003. You can't download apps on a beeper.

Big Vlad pulls out beeper.

BIG VLADYo, this is a Motorola CP1250, son. They don't make em like this anymore.

COCO-CAINEThey don't make em because nobody wants em, you fossil! Maybe you can do a show at the Museum of Natural history!

BIG VLADFossils are worth millions of dollars, dummy. Your single ain't getting the "low downs" because people can have the real thing now. Let's give em the real thing.

COCO-CAINENo.

BIG VLADThen let me perform at the concert.

COCO-CAINENo can do, baby. I ain't bringing all that negative energy to my shit.

BIG VLADWhy?

COCO-CAINEYou want to know why? I remixed your songs for the Yung OGs. But now you show up and I'm supposed to put you on a concert that memorializes your dead ass?

BIG VLADYou can't treat me like this, I'm a-

Beeper goes off. Big Vlad checks it.

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 8.

BIG VLAD (CONT’D)Shit, you're lucky I gotta go find a phone. I'm gonna put on my own concert. I don't need you! Let's go Papito.

COCO-CAINE TALKING HEAD

COCO-CAINEI thought Big Vlad was dead, and I moved on. Now it turns out that he was alive all this time and didn't tell his boy Coco?

(Tears up)I may be a tough ass mofo, but damn baby, I still got a heart. That shit hurts.

(Coco stops crying on a dime.)

Did y'all get that? Did that crying seem real? Oh, the camera's still rolling?

(Cries)How could he do this to me?

INT. YAYA'S OFFICE - DAY

Yaya watches MTV on a big TV that is mounted to the wall. Big Vlad is being interviewed.

BIG VLAD (V.O.)I'm back baby! I'm taking over everything: My clothing line, my shaving products, my line of edible do-rags!

YAYAOh hell no. He is not fucking this up for me.

Yaya's assistant, BETHANY, late 20s, enters room.

BETHANYWhat's that Ms. Yaya?

YAYABethany, come here and look at this fool. Faked his death and now he thinks he can come back and take over everything. And right as we're about to release my Vladimiria line of handbags.

,

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 9.

Yaya points to poster on the wall of "Vladimiria" handbags.

BETHANYWould it be so bad to have him back?

Yaya moves to a cabinet while she talks.

YAYAWould it be so bad? Look: at first I was as shocked as anyone to find out he was still alive. I cried my eyes out, mostly happy tears. But then I thought about how he lied to me. Bethany, I was his fiancé and he abandoned me.

(Beat)As if that's not enough, look at this shit.

She pulls out a gigantic pair of pants with LOTS of pockets. They say BIG VLAD in huge letters on the butt.

YAYA (CONT’D)This is from the Vlad Wear "Vladxclusive Line". Look at all these pockets. Batman don't need that many pockets. And why is there a pocket down here? Ain't nobody bending down to use that pocket.

BETHANYMa'am, please stop saying pockets.

YAYAI went to the Harvard School of Business and spent the past 15 years rebranding Vlad Wear into Vladimiria by Yaya, a respected, international clothing company. And he thinks we're going back to this?

Yaya shakes pants. Twinkies fall out of a random pocket.

BETHANYMa'am, I don't think they're the worst pants I've ever seen.

YAYAPants? Bethany, these are shorts.

BETHANYDear God.

BIG VLAD "Pilot" 10.

YAYA TALKING HEAD

YAYAShould I be mad at him? Hell yes. I mean, it's not like I need him. In some ways these have been the best years of my life. Who cares that I didn't sleep for three years, or that I spent a fortune on grief counseling, or that now I got to get this "BIG VLAD REST IN PEACE" tattoo removed.

Yaya lifts up back of her shirt to reveal cartoon tattoo of Big Vlad in a B-Boy stance with "Big Vlad RIP" in graffiti font.

INT. MUSIC VENUE - LOS ANGELES - DAY

Big Vlad and Papito enter the concert space.

PAPITOYo cuz, I remember the first time you rocked this place!

BIG VLADI don't. Place is kinda small. How we gon' fit 50,000 people in here?

PAPITOThis place holds like 5,000. Remember dude, the hate is strong. Let's start small. We need a full house to get love from Coco.

BIG VLADI got it taken care of son.

CUT TO:

BIG VLAD TALKING HEAD

BIG VLADI put a few calls in to my homies to help me make my comeback, John Blaze, nah mean?

CUT BACK TO:


INT. MUSIC VENUE - LOS ANGELES - DAY

REDMAN and METHOD MAN enter, looking flashy and excited to see Big Vlad and Papito.

BIG VLADOh shit! My man's right here!

REDMANDamn, you look pretty good for a dead mother fucker.

METHOD MANBring it in son! You look healthy as fuck. No wonder Cubans are always feeling to Miami. You've been eating all their food.

PAPITOHold up! You telling me this concert is gonna be the reunion of y'all's "Redman, Method Man, Vlad Man" album from 2002?

BIG VLADThat's right. Good looking out fam. I appreciate the help.

REDMANNo doubt.

Redman reveals a gigantic bong from out of nowhere.

REDMAN (CONT’D)Wanna hit this?

BIG VLADI'm good for now.

METHOD MAN/REDMANWhaaaaaaa?

BIG VLADReal talk. Two weeks ago, I almost drowned for REAL. I was sitting on a fishing boat, with my Goose & Cran in one hand and a blunt in the other. A huge wave hit us and I didn't know which way was up. My life flashed before my eyes. Like my old life, not my fake dead life. Luckily I was rocking my triple puffy Vlad Wear Vest and washed ashore.


PAPITOYo, he's been bugged out ever since then. Now he's going straight and focusing on his comeback.

REDMANI can respect that.

METHOD MANThat Cuba life can get a hold of you. By the way, how's Tupac?

BIG VLADHe's good!

INT. 'COCO RECORDS' RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

Coco-Caine gives notes to the Yung OG's, his protegés, from the other side of the studio glass. They look tired and filled with attitude.

COCO-CAINEYou ain't hitting the cords right.

PROTEGÉ 1Yo Coco, we need a break.

PROTEGÉ 2Yeah. Can't you just use our vocals from before and auto tune it?

COCO-CAINECome on. You remixing a dead man's music. Ain't you youngins got respect?

PROTEGÉ 2He ain't even dead no more.

COCO-CAINENot the point.

CUT TO:

COCO-CAINE TALKING HEAD

COCO-CAINE (CONT’D)This new era of rappers have a bit of an age gap problem. They don't know their hip hop history. These kids think Eric B & Rakim were a law firm. They think Gang Starr was that thing Luke Skywalker blew up.

(MORE)


COCO-CAINE (CONT’D)They think Kool Moe Dee is a sundae from Dairy Queen.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. COCO RECORDS RECORDING STUDIO -DAY

Coco-Caine's ASSISTANT enters.

ASSISTANTMr. Caine, Redman and Method Man's agent is on the phone for you.

COCO-CAINE(Confused)

Oh word?

COCO-CAINE (CONT’D)(to the protegés)

Alright y'all. Take 3 and a half. (answers phone)

You got Coco! Hello? Red & Meth are doing the show with Big V? And you're contacting me because I'm repping Big Vlad? Oh, you did the right thing, baby. Tell you what. We'll send over contracts and pay your clients in full.

Coco smiles devilishly as he looks into the camera.

INT. BIG VLAD'S 98 FORD EXPLORER - DAY

Papito drives as Big Vlad inspects his car.

BIG VLADWe need a serious upgrade. Back in Cuba this car would be the bomb.

PAPITOAight. It's time. Put on Power 104. I got them to plug the show.

BIG VLADYou really are coming through with the titter feed.

PAPITOTwitter.

BIG VLADYeah yeah. Here they go.


FEMALE RADIO DJ(V.O.)Check it out y'all. We know Big Vlad is back. He's already filming his reality show two days after emerging after a 15 year death hoax.

MALE RADIO DJ (V.O.)True.

FEMALE RADIO DJ (V.O.)We know Yaya has said publicly that their personal relationship died when he abandoned her.

MALE RADIO DJ (V.O.)True. What kind of a monster would leave a woman like that.

Big Vlad looks to camera and immediately back towards the radio.

FEMALE RADIO DJ (V.O.)What we didn't know, was if he planned on doing a comeback show. We just got word, O-FFICIAL word, that Redman, Method Man, Vlad Man might be linking up again.

MALE RADIO DJ (V.O.)NO! For real? Their song "Moet and Munches" was my jam.

BIG VLADHell yeah!

FEMALE RADIO DJ (V.O.)Redman and Method just announced they will be joining the 15 Year Big Vlad Memorial Concert, hosted by Coco-Caine, featuring the Yung OG's. Big Vlad is still not listed as performing, though. Don't know what that's about...

Big Vlad shuts the radio off.

BIG VLADWhat the deal Papito?

PAPITOI didn't tell them all that. They messed up.


Big Vlad dials his late 90's car phone.

BIG VLADI know my man's wouldn't dare betray Big Vlad. Hello? Meth, what the deal man?

METHOD MANYo dawg, I was just trying to beep you but my phone was like, 'ain't it 2017'? But anyway, I'm calling to let you know that our agent got in touch with Coco. Everything's all set.

BIG VLADWhat you mean you called Coco?

METHOD MANI mean we had our agent call Coco's people to make the deal official. We signed the contracts and got paid on the spot.

BIG VLADThose weren't contracts for my show. Those were contracts for Coco's show! I never said I was working with Coco!

METHOD MANYeah, son. But you didn't say you weren't working with Coco. So we figured, you were. Like the old days. Nah'mean?

BIG VLADCoco burned me. He's fucking with my comeback!

METHOD MANSorry, dog. You know he don't play fair. I thought y'all was tight.

BIG VLADWe are, he just testing me right now. Hello? Can you hear me?

EXT. BIG VLAD'S 98 FORD EXPLORER - DAY

They drive into a tunnel. Disrupts cell signal.



BIG VLADMef?? Mef?? Red? Anyone?

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

INT. MOTEL - SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - DAY

Papito exits the bathroom, waves his cellphone, points at it.

PAPITOYo, shit is blowing up!

BIG VLADNah, YO shit is blowing up this damn room. Close the door man. I'm tired of this motel. I need my crib back.

PAPITOWe bout to get it back, check it out. I made an account for you on Instagram, and you already reached 250,000 followers in six hours.

BIG VLADThe fuck is instant gram? They show up at your door with a bag of coke?

PAPITONo, son. Peep this. Say you had a polaroid camera, but when you take a picture, instead of coming out the camera, it goes straight to the internet.

BIG VLADI got you! We sponsored by Polaroid! Our first endorsement!

PAPITOUh, yeah. All you gotta know is that your shit is blowing up!

BIG VLADInstant gram sounds tight. Yo, how do I see that shit? Can you send it to my beeper?

Papito shakes his head.

PAPITONah homie. Just check this.

Papito hands phone to Big Vlad.


PAPITO (CONT’D)Read the comments. People are talking about your comeback show!

BIG VLADHell yeah. Looks like we didn't need Red & Meth after all.

The cell phone's alert sound dings.

PAPITOMore?

BIG VLADYeah! Someone made a picture of me.

PAPITOYou still getting fan art.

The phone's screen shows a meme of Big Vlad that says: "WHEN YOU COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND STILL NOBODY WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND". With a picture of Big Vlad crying.

BIG VLADNah. It's dissing me. What is this?

PAPITOIt's a meme. Dudes take a picture or video and write a caption with it to publicly ridicule human behavior.

BIG VLAD(Gets affected. Sniffles.)

The future is scary man. Nothing but bullies on the internet.

Big Vlad gets emotional, holds up phone so we get a simultaneous shot of phone and Big Vlad making the same face as the meme.

INT - YAYA'S CONFERENCE ROOM - LOS ANGELES - DAY

Yaya and Bethany sit on one side of a table. The company's attorney, PAUL DAVIDOWITZ, sits in middle. Big Vlad enters, moves to Davidowitz.

BIG VLADDavidowitz, my homie, my attorney. Good to see you son.

,


DAVIDOWITZMr. Vlad. Welcome back.

CUT TO:

Davidowitz Talking Head

DAVIDOWITZ (CONT’D)I am Mr. Perez's lawyer, and I also represent the Vlad Wear brand.

(Beat)Was I aware that Big Vlad faked his death? I can neither confirm nor deny that. I can say that I'm here to help facilitate Big Vlad's return to Vlad Wear. By the way, do you have security on hand to protect me from Yaya? No? Fine, but I will be seated near the door just in case.

CUT BACK TO:

INT - YAYA'S CONFERENCE ROOM - LOS ANGELES - DAY

YAYA(to Big Vlad)

I can't believe you're here.

BIG VLADI know. I hate coming to the West Side.

Big Vlad tries to kiss Yaya. She dodges.

YAYADon't you fu...

BETHANYMa'am.

YAYAExcuse me. This meeting is purely about Vlad Wear's rebranding to Vladimiria, so please keep your distance and let's focus on business. Not to mention you smell like Cheetos and Mothballs.

BIG VLADI gotta get out that hotel.


DAVIDOWITZLet's get to the matter at hand, please. You both asked me to mediate Big Vlad's reintegration into the company.

Big Vlad sits.

YAYAI've spent 15 years building this company into a well oiled machine. Profits are up 157% in the past 6 quarters alone. We've rebranded Vlad Wear as Vladimiria. And this has all led up to the launch of my new Vladimiria by Yaya line of handbags.

DAVIDOWITZI'm going to begin by saying that I can neither confirm nor deny my knowledge of Mr. Vlad's whereabouts for the past fifteen years. But I can tell you that we set up a secret trust that would ensure Mr. Vlad's shares in the company, should he return. He has returned. Hence, he regains his role as majority shareholder of Vlad Wear LLC and its related entities such as Vladimiria.

YAYASo you knew all along. Hmmm. That's funny because you were also my attorney.

(Stands)You know I ought to take the both of you and...

Davidowitz backs away a few inches, terrified. Bethany puts her hand on Yaya's shoulder.

BETHANYMa'am.

Yaya sits.

YAYAAnd hear you out because that's my responsibility as CEO.


BIG VLADThen hear this: We ain't doing handbags. Period. We're relaunching Vlad Wear. I got an idea for boxer shorts with a secret pocket, so you can hide a snack for later in case you get hungry. And then a limited edition version that's the same except we add more pockets, and not just pockets, reversible pockets. People like pockets.

YAYASay pockets one more time and they're gonna bury you in a pocket shaped coffin.

BETHANYMa'am...

(gives up)...let him have it.

YAYAI am a business woman. While you and Papito were playing Cast Away, I built this company up. We have international distribution and deals with six different department stores. And by the way, when I mentioned Cast Away, Papito was Tom Hanks and your ass was the volleyball.

BIG VLADYou know Tom Hanks is my shit! Wait, what happened to my Vlad Wear stores?

YAYAI turned all your Vlad Wear stores into Goodwills cuz that's where your clothes were going anyway. It's all Vladimiria now.

Big Vlad looks at Davidowitz.

DAVIDOWITZIt's true. We proudly donate all the proceeds to charity.

BIG VLADThat's a despicable thing to do!


YAYAYou want your clothes back? Go downtown where people are using your old pants for tents. Looks like Skid Row is sponsored by Vlad Wear.

(laughs, enjoys the moment)

You are not stopping my handbag line. I'll see you in court, you dirty motherfuckers. Let's go Bethany.

Yaya and Bethany exit.

BIG VLADYou mean to tell me no one wants Vlad Wear anymore?

DAVIDOWITZI can neither confirm nor deny that. But to be frank, your "It's a Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad World" t-shirts make great tarps when my family goes camping.

Davidowitz picks up phone. Shows Big Vlad photos of his family camping underneath different Vlad Wear merch.

DAVIDOWITZ (CONT’D)Here's my family at Yosemite. Here we are at the Grand Canyon. Here we are in a hot air balloon made out of your pants...

Big Vlad puts his head in his hands. Life is not what he thought it was going to be.

INT - BIG VLAD'S 98 FORD EXPLORER - DAY

Big Vlad sits arms crossed as Papito drives.

PAPITOYou gotta maybe see where she's coming from, no?

BIG VLADWhat? She should be happy I'm alive. Just in time to stop them from them from ruining my shit.


PAPITOBig Vlad, you're my boy and all, but you did kinda abandon her.

BIG VLADDon't even man. You agreed that it was a good idea.

PAPITOI'm your hype man. If you say something, I repeat it with enthusiasm. I didn't know we'd be gone 15 years.

Papito's phone alert goes off like crazy. Big Vlad grabs it.

BIG VLADGimmie that. I need inspecktagram to cheer me up right now....Yo, we trending. That's good, right?

PAPITOLemme see.

Big Vlad's Instagram reveals a video of Coco-Caine standing next to HOLOGRAM BIG VLAD.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL CABANA - LOS ANGELES - DAY

Coco-Caine is surrounded by reporters and a crowd. Next to him, is an Ironman style hologram spinning in circles.

COCO-CAINEThat's right. Tomorrow night at the celebration show, we unveiling my masterpiece. The Big Vlad Hologram.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADYeah Yeah

(then in auto tune voice)Yeeeeahhhhh!

(normal voice)You know what time it is. Big Vlad Rest in Peace forever...

(auto tune voice)And ever!

CUT BACK TO:



PAPITODamn. That hologram is nice.

VLADWhat? You can't "Terminator 2" Big Vlad. Let's roll up on this bitch.

EXT. HOTEL CABANA - LOS ANGELES - DAY

Reporters are wrapping up as Coco and his crew talk to MODELS in the cabana. O.S. We hear Big Vlad causing a commotion as he rushes towards Coco.

BIG VLADWhy'd you do it dog? You try and Frankenstein me?

COCO-CAINELook man, I tried telling you, I been planning this show for a year...

BIG VLADThis ain't Jurassic Park, man. You had some Big Vlad DNA in amber and cloned me.

COCO-CAINELook...

BIG VLADFirst you tell me I can't get back in the studio, then you tell me to put on my own show cuz I can't be in my own damn celebration show, then you trick Red & Mef and now this.

As Big Vlad is getting more fired up, Hologram Big Vlad emerges and grows to twice his size.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADWhat do we have...

(auto tune voice)Heeeerrrrreeee

(normal voice)Old Vlad.

Big Vlad starts turning around.


BIG VLADThat's...BIG VLAD

(notices the huge hologram. Gets sheepish.)

to you?

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADIt's okay to be scared. I would be...

(auto tune)Toooo, if I were yoooouuuuu.

BIG VLADLook man, I ain't here for you.

Big Vlad notices that Hologram Big Vlad is wearing vintage Vlad Wear clothing.

BIG VLAD (CONT’D)Hold up, you got the Big Vlad Wear special edition Extra Baggy Swaggy shorts on.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADDo I?

Hologram Big Vlad spins and has a completely new age hip hop outfit on. A fedora, and really tight jeans on. A purple, paisley button up shirt.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLAD (CONT’D)There. That's...

(auto tune)Bettttterrr!

BIG VLADOh hell no.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADThat's right. I'm Big Vlad, the face of Vladimiria. I dress better than you, look better than you, and I rap better than you! Everyone thinks so...

(in Yaya's voice)Oohhh Big Vlad Hologram, you're so much sexier than the real Big Vlad.

Big Vlad losses it and charges towards Hologram Big Vlad and goes right through him and lands in the pool. All the Models and Coco-Caine's proteges laugh. Everyone immediately pulls out phones and films. Big Vlad freaks out, now scared of drowning, swims to the ledge and climbs out.


BIG VLADYou think you better than me? Prove it.

COCO-CAINEWhat are you saying BV?

BIG VLADLet me battle this parlor "trick".

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADHAHAHA

(auto tune voice)HAHAHA!

Coco-Caine thinks for a moment and then realizes the potential.

COCO-CAINEBig Vlad vs Hologram Big Vlad, featuring the Yung OG's. I think this can work.

Davidowitz enters out of nowhere.

DAVIDOWITZAlso, the Big Vlad solo concert hasn't sold out yet.

BIG VLADAre we close?

DAVIDOWITZI can neither confirm nor deny that.

BIG VLADDamn.

COCO-CAINEAw your solo show ain't selling tickets? Cancel it and do my show. Come on Big V, you know it's the right choice.

Coco-Caine puts his hand out for a handshake. Big Vlad won't shake on it.

BIG VLADWe out.

Big Vlad and Papito begin to exit. Coco-Caine is hurt. Hologram Big Vlad dances and smiles devilishly.


BIG VLAD (CONT’D)(whispers)

Yo, Papito, we gotta rent all the Terminator movies. Find my Blockbuster card.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

Int - Concert Venue Dressing Room - Night

Big Vlad is alone with white towel over his head. Yaya enters.

YAYADamn Big Vlad. Last time I remember you looking this scared was when our bodega in Brooklyn said they weren't going to carry Flaming Hot Cheetos anymore.

BIG VLADYaya. You came to support me?

YAYAHell no. I'm here because Vladimiria is sponsoring this shit.

BIG VLADOh. I am scared. How do you battle something with a 100,000 word lexicon? I watched Tron this afternoon to get ready for this shit. It's scary. You know, they should do a remake of Tron.

YAYAThey did do a remake of Tron, you time traveling Chump-lestiltskin.

BIG VLADDamn, I gotta check that out, is it streaming on Chex Mix?

YAYANetflix!

BIG VLADChill! This is a lot to lay on a man who's only been back from the dead for like 3 days.

YAYAYou know, Big Vlad, you don't have to do this. Of course, rapping against a hologram of yourself will definitely make up for 15 years of lies, neglect, and abandonment.

,


BIG VLADIt will? Thanks baby! I gotta go rap battle a computer.

Big Vlad starts to walk away.

BIG VLAD (CONT’D)I just hope it doesn't suck me into the matrix or some shit. Gotta take the blue pill. Or was it the red pill? Fuck I gotta get Papito to Goober that shit.

PAPITO TALKING HEAD

PAPITOHe means Google. Damn man, how does this dude not know how to Google?

INT. CONCERT VENUE STAGE -NIGHT

The concert is packed, standing room only, as The Yung OG's finish a set. Coco-Caine is on stage hosting the show as the crowd goes wild knowing what comes next.

COCO-CAINEDon't forget to download the album! But definitely forget that the album is filled with songs you already own that were slightly remixed so I could sell them again and put my sons through college. Alright! Y'all know what time it is. It's time for a rap battle 15 years in the making!

THe crowd starts chanting "Big Vlad".

COCO-CAINE (CONT’D)Oh yeah. Up first. Standing at 5'8, weighing in at 250lbs-

BIG VLAD (O.S.)230!

COCO-CAINE230lbs, maybe. He's the reason we're celebrating his disappearance 15 years ago. The legend, Vladdy Daddy, he's still good at sex, BIG VLAD!


Big Vlad enters like a wrestler with Papito behind him. The crowd cheers. The lights are bright but he can still make out signs in the front row. The camera pans from first sign: "We love you Big Vlad, why'd you leave us?" to second sign: "Big Vlad: Big Heart" to a third sign, "If this aint' good, you gonna wish you died for real!" BV shudders, but regains his composure.

BIG VLADLos Angeles, make some mother fucking noise!

PAPITOGive it up for the best of all time! Well, definitely top 5. Actually, is he in the top 10?

Big Vlad wrestles Papito's mic away.

COCO-CAINEUp next, ladies and gentlemen, the future of hip hop, height: infinity; weight: less than air. Give it up for my latest creation, Hologram Big Vlad!

Explosions go off, like the main event at Wrestlemania. Hologram Big Vlad emerges from the center of the stage via beams of light. Transformers style sound effects are heard.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADLos Angeles make some mother fucking...

(auto tune voice)Noise! Noise Noise!

COCO-CAINEAlright now this is how it's gonna go down. You each have a minute on the clock to rap your ass off and be claimed the real Big Vlad. Human Big Vlad, since you actually have a pulse, call heads or tails to decide who goes first.

Coco-Caine flips the coin. Big Vlad watches it fly and calls it.

BIG VLADHeads!

COCO-CAINEIt's tails. Hologram Big Vlad, call it.


HOLOGRAM BIG VLADLet that bitch go first.

The crowd reacts to the trash talk. "oooooh"

COCO-CAINEOkay, Big Vlad is up first. DJ, kick that shit.

DJ scratches and drops a dope beat from the late 90's. Big Vlad smiles at the Hologram, then turns to the crowd.

BIG VLADYo check it! I'mma give y'all something that you can feel, how can I battle someone who isn't real? What the deal, I came back for this? You my son, I once shacked up with a floppy disk! Talk shit, but without me you wouldn't exist, step up to Big Vlad you'll get dissed and dismissed! Coco tried to capitalize on a dead man, but I'm alive and I'm well fed, man. I took 15 years off and can still work it, I'll hack your mainframe and make you short circuit! Ask anybody I'm the number one thug, and you are a machine I can easily unplug!

Big Vlad pulls a plug out from the stage, but it has no effect on Hologram Big Vlad. It was a plug to a light and we hear an explosion off-stage.

CREW WORKERAhhhh!

BIG VLADMy bad!

Buzzer goes off. His time is up. The crowd goes wild again.

COCO-CAINEOohhhhh! Big Vlad is back! Damn, it felt good to hear my man spit that venom. Ok Hologram Big Vlad, do what you were designed to do! DJ drop that shit!

Hologram Big Vlad laughs like a demonic sci-fi machine.


HOLOGRAM BIG VLADThis is gonna be...

(auto tune voice)Fuuuuuuuuun!

(normal voice)I may be the machine, but you the one with no heart, you're so clueless where do I start? Okay how about leaving your fans behind, believing in Vlad is like a Muslim eatin' swine! At least Tupac left a catalog of hits, you left nothing but a log of shit!

(makes a fart sound)Next up, let's talk about Coco, didn't tell your man you were alive, that's a NO-NO! Fo sho bro, you pathetic and weak, in high school you weren't hard, you were an A.V. geek! Last but not least, you even left your fiance, she probably the baddest chick since Beyonce!

Hearing the truth from his hologram hurts and Big Vlad doesn't like it. Coco-Caine notices.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLAD (CONT’D)You ran away and left nothing but pain for the ones you love, that sounds like a coward, not at all like a..

(auto tune voice)thuuuuuuug-

Coco-Caine has seen enough. At the end of the day, Big Vlad is still one of his closest friends of all time. He pulls a lever down and the hologram disappears.

COCO-CAINEHoly shit! Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed Hip Hop history. Not only has Big Vlad come back to life before your very eyes, he has become the first rapper to actually battle himself. I declare this match a tie!

The crowd boos. No one likes ties. Big Vlad looks at Coco, confused.

COCO-CAINE (CONT’D)But hold on. This was just a preview!

(MORE)


COCO-CAINE (CONT’D)Big Vlad's next album "4th Dimensional man in the mirror" will be a collabo from Big Vlad and Hologram Big Vlad!

The crowd goes nuts again.

BIG VLADThank you y'all! I love you, and never meant to hurt anyone. It feels good to be back.

Big Vlad starts getting choked up. Papito grabs the microphone from him. Big Vlad shuffles offstage.

PAPITOBig Vlad is back motherfuckers!

PAPITO TALKING HEAD

PAPITOSeriously, he's at least top 25, right? Top 50? Yo, we ain't been gone that long!

INT - GREEN ROOM OF CONCERT VENUE - NIGHT

Big Vlad is bummed. Takes snack out of a secret pocket in his clothes. Eats like a guilty child. Coco enters.

COCO-CAINEYo man! That was dope! You got your shit. I got my shit. Everybody wins. We back baby!

BIG VLADYou cut the battle short man. Why'd you do that for me after everything I've done?

COCO-CAINELook, Vladdy. I didn't hear from you for 15 years. I thought my homie was dead, but I didn't give up hope. Man, up until you came back I had a search party looking for your ass.

PAPITOYo, you mean the Big Vlad themed cruise line?


BIG VLADThe what?

COCO-CAINEAnd then I invested a million dollars into a hologram of you, just to see your ass back on the stage again. Because I missed you, man. Then you show up out of nowhere expecting everything to be okay. Yeah, I was mad, but seeing you up there tonight getting cut to pieces, you looked so pathetic. I had to stop it. Plus we bout to cash in on your ass. You the goods again, baby. I can't let you get too damaged. Ka-ching!

Yaya enters.

YAYAAm I late to the "Big Vlad intervention?" Cuz I got plenty of shit to add.

BIG VLADI know I was selfish. I'm sorry. 15 years ago, everything was getting so crazy and I didn't know how to handle it. I was just a dumb kid and I made a mistake like a dumb kid. But I'm back now, and I'm gonna prove to y'all that I'm sorry. Cuz y'all deserve better.

YAYAThat's why you said no to my handbag line?

BIG VLADI said no because I thought I could come back and still be a boss. All I've learned is that I don't know shit. You both been here, grinding, putting in work. I gotta trust y'all. That's why I called Davidowitz and told him to move ahead with the handbag line.

YAYAMaybe you aren't as dumb as you look in Vlad Wear.


COCO-CAINEWow, y'all making up? Guess I can go tell the clean up crew we won't be needing that XXXL body bag after all. Good to have you back homie.

Coco and Big Vlad hug it out. Coco Leaves.

YAYAI still hate you, but that was real cool. I felt the Big Vlad I knew from way back, the hunger, the honesty. None of the sell out shit you cling to.

BIG VLADThank you for saying that. You know, after all these years I have to admit, you were the only person I've ever really tried to impress. The sell out path I was on was eating me alive on the inside. Everyone wanted something from me, and running away felt like the only option. Please believe me when I say I wanted to call you every night. But I didn't want to face the music.

YAYAThere's no making up for what you did. But I'd rather us be cool and start a new chapter in our careers.

BIG VLADSo, can I move back in with you?

YAYAHell no.

BIG VLADI didn't think so. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't try. Aside from making purses, what else you been doing all these years?

YAYAI've been raising Vladimiria.

BIG VLADNo, I said aside from purses.


YAYAVladimiria isn't just a purse. Come here baby.

Vladimiria, Big Vlad's 15 year old daughter, enters.

YAYA (CONT’D)Big Vlad, meet your daughter: Vladimiria.

VLADIMIRIA, 15 but looks 21, Kylie Jenner type enters.

VLADIMIRIASup asshole.

Big Vlad is shocked. Big Vlad searches for the words and just before he speaks, Redman and Method Man enter.

METHOD MANYo son, that battle was tight!

REDMANYeah dawg. Good looking out on getting us in this show. Let's go out there and close this party out, you ready?

Big Vlad turns to Yaya and Vladimiria and nods, knowing his new life will be more complicated than he ever thought, and that's okay with him.

BIG VLADYeah, I'm ready.

Big Vlad nods to Yaya and follows Red & Meth to the stage.

INT - CONCERT VENUE STAGE - NIGHT

COCO-CAINE Back together, give it up for...

REDMANRedman!

METHOD MANMethod Man!

BIG VLADVlad Man!

END OF ACT THREE


TAG

INT. 'COCO RECORDS' RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

Big Vlad is sitting in a plush studio chair with a pen and a pad. It feels good to be home.

BIG VLADYo my man, I gotta thank you again for putting me in my place. It was tough to hear but I think I finally learned something.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADNo problem dawg. It takes a real G to own up to himself, takes an even bigger G to to own up to a superior design of himself.

BIG VLADWord.

Big Vlad's beeper goes off. It's Yaya.

HOLOGRAM BIG VLADYou gonna call her back?

BIG VLADNah. Tell her I died in an avalanche.

END OF SHOW

big vlad is back! written by vladimir perez and j. william ...grimy music video. narrator (v.o.) in...

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