behavior change to improve a marriage - noelle moseley
TRANSCRIPT
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
I do...but I don’tUsing the Fogg Method of Behavior Change
to Improve a Marriage
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Addie & Robertmarried for 35 yearsstill best friends, still in love
Want to change to improve their relationship…...but dread the process of change
frequently have arguments and get on each other’s nerves
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Despite their high motivation, obstacles prevent Addie & Robert from changing
Prefer to DIY…but haven’t figured out how to “do-it-themselves” in 35yrs
pride fear of stigma
➢ spurn couples’ counseling and “self-help” methods
➢ don’t like advice or direction from others
➢ value their privacy
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Applying the Fogg Method
The approach is especially appealing in this situation:➢ it’s systematic, which helps to temper the highly emotional nature of the
subject matter➢ it has a strong reputation of success in professional and commercial
applications which makes it less “self-helpy”➢ once learned, can be DIY
www.foggmethod.comFogg Method of Behavior Change
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Learning the steps Addie & Robert went through these Fogg Method steps, led by a facilitator (Noelle Moseley) over the phone.
Set the big goal Brainstorm
possible behaviors to help achieve the goal
“Crispify” the behaviors to make them clear and specific
Place the behaviors on a “Priority Map” and reach a consensus on which to start with
Create a “trigger” to cue themselves to actually do the selected behaviors
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Attempt #1: Failed at setting the goal In the first attempt, Addie & Robert chose as their goal:“Be more respectful of one another.”
This goal was a disaster!➢ full of emotional landmines, led the couple to think mostly of negative
behaviors that they each wanted the other to stop doing, not do➢ many of the behaviors occurred in the mind, very hard to crispify
(ie “Don’t make assumptions”)(Q: Can the Fogg method work on mindset changes or just outwardly displayed behavior?)
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Attempt #2: Setting the goal The original goal was revised to “Demonstrate our respect for one another” which was slightly better because it focused the behaviors on positive, observable actions. But, the final revision was even better: “Make each other happy.”
➢ Addie came up with behaviors she could do to make Robert happy and vice versa
➢ also focused on positive, observable actions but this time only happy emotions were associated with the topic
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Attempt #2: “Priority Mapping”
I can get myself to do this
I canNOT get myself to do this
will make the other person happy
will NOT make the other person happy
The chosen behaviors are highly effective and easier to do
Each person rated all the tasks for how much it would make that person happy. Do-er rated on the scale of “I can get myself to do this”
Noelle Moseley [email protected]
Follow-throughThe winning two behaviors: Addie & Robert will say “I love you” before going to bed each nightAddie & Robert will have one physical activity date night per week
They were reluctant to create tangible triggers for these behaviors, insisting that they would just remember. But they ultimately gave in.So far, the behaviors happened the first few days but need to be observed to see how it results in the longer term.