Battling Divorce Dragons: Play Therapy with Little KnightsBy Jane L. Johnson, LLC, LCSW,

RPT-SThe Play Therapist’s Workshop

Fort Collins, ColoradoApril 17, 2015

Impact of Divorce on Kids

Determining Factors:- Child’s age, gender, development- Pre-existing problems: Special Needs,

Adoption, Trauma- Quality of Parent Child Relationship - Number of Transitions; moves, schedule

changes, re-marriage, multiple legal battles- Symptoms resulting

Psychological and Physical Health• Decrease in academic achievement• Decrease in psychological adjustment• Decrease in self-esteem• Decrease in social competence, conduct• Risk of developmental delays • Risk for psychopathology• Physical health problems• Unintentional injuries• Risky health related behaviors

Personality Disorders

Domestic Violence

Infidelity

Criminal

Alcoholism & Addiction

Mental Illness

Growth and Life Change

High Conflict Divorces

• Skirmishes-Settling financial and Custodial Disagreements

• Ongoing Battles – Rage and Resentment

• No Man’s Land – Parental Alienation

• Scorched Earth Tactics – Repeated legal battles with crazymaking attacks

Parent-Child Relationships after Divorce

• Positive relationship with both parents• Affinity with one parent• Allied children• Estranged children• Alienated children

Protective Factors

• Individual – sense of control, accurate attributions

• Parent-child attachment bonds remain secure• Family – protection from parent’s conflict,

parents’ overall psychological well-being• Outside Family – other adult role models, strong

support network

• Resilience

Signs & Themes of Divorce Adjustment

• Shock and Disbelief• Making Nice - Denial• Separation Anxiety• Chaos, loss of control• Parenting quality• Change• Loss• Turmoil• Acceptance

• Appearance of Normal• Hiding, Burying• Mommy don’t leave• Toys all over the place• Moving, “flitting around”• Broken, dead, gone• Never-ending Battles• Peace• Return to Creativity

The Battle Zone

Signs & Themes of Divorce Conflict

• From Misery to relief: the range of reactions• Safe retreats; secure bases and safe havens• Transition Days; Back in the battle• Taking Sides; Divided Loyalties, • Multi-front Battles; Caught in the Middle• Behind enemy lines; pigeons, phone calls, texts• Held hostage; living at dad/mom’s house

Allies and Enemies in the Playroom

Aliens in No Man’s Land

• Bad-mouthing, people pleasing• Dead Beat Parents• Criticism, Empathy and Sympathy• Parent Alienation; Little Soldiers• Child Alienation; Little Dictators

Being Switzerland• Neutrality Above All

• Professional Objectivity

• It’s a steep drop off

Custody and Consent

1. Verify Parental Decision-making; divorce decree Joint decision-making in mental health matters

2. Review Therapist Disclosure, Financial and HIPAA paperwork

3. Read through and explain Parent Permission and agreement to avoid therapist’s involvement in legal disputes and litigation.

Therapist Duties as Assigned

• FOCUS on the child in joint sessions with parents• Create a Safe Atmosphere for the family• Assess psychological impact of divorce• Therapeutic interventions focus on the child• Holding parents accountable• Educating parents • Strengthening parent-child relationships• Advocating for the child. Use best practices.

Educating Parents

• Observe each parent in a session with the child• Use play-based activities to assess interaction• Follow-up session with each parent• Commit each parent short & long term goals• Offer resources: referrals, online help,

workbooks, divorced parent groups • Weave your lessons into each session• Teach the Importance of involving both parents

Taming the Dragons • Communicating with PREs and CFIs• Collaborating with Parenting Coordinators• Holding back the urge to *^#!&~#% attorneys• Dealing with GALs• Above my Pay Grade

Peace Talks?

• Can you call a truce for the child’s sake?• Shuttle Diplomacy• Can you promote sustained attachment?• He may be a deadbeat dad but he’s my

deadbeat dad.

Play Therapy with Little Knights

• Preparing for the Diversity of Clinical Issues• Divorce cases needing an integrated approach• Before you Step on the Battlefield – • Are your boundaries in place?• Communication Rules ready?• Radar on?• Armor in good condition?

Allies and Support Troops

• Connecting with the Child’s Perception of each Parent and their Divorce

• Honoring the Child’s View from the Trenches

Assessing the Whole Child

• Life before the fighting started • Developmental history• Family history• Attachment History

• Life since separation adjustments: change of school, discipline, chores• transitions: parenting time, moves, logistics• Assessment activities: Build –A-House, Every Family is a

Kingdom, Lifelines, Floorplans,

Treatment Goals – For Child

• Clarify divorce-related misconceptions• Increase ability to communicate openly• Facilitate appropriate expression of feelings• Strengthen effective coping skills• Eliminate self-blame for the divorce• Resolve reunification fantasies• Enhance positive perceptions of self

Treatment Goals – Family

• Reduce stress of transitioning between homes• Increase appropriate, positive communication• Address loyalty conflicts• Reduce feelings of parental abandonment• Protect and remove child from parent conflict• Foster child’s healthy relationship with both parents whenever possible

Battling Special Dragons

• Personality Disorders• Alcoholism• Child Abuse• Mental Illness• Felony convictions• Domestic violence

Joining the Battle with Little Knights

• Playroom Battles• armies• castles

• house divided

• Birthday Parties and other ruined holidays

Battle Plans and Strategies• Coping – adaptive coping techniques

– Luggage tags– Special Safe Place– Liana Lowenstein’s Feel Better Bag

• Help child develop coping abilities– Feelings Hide-n-Seek– Feelings Menu– Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises

• Strengthen coping strategies; problem-solving

– Feel Good Recipes– Peaceful Pillow Talk

Surviving Life in Two Houses

• Safe Haven and Secure Base at both houses Cotton Ball Hockey Game Matching Game

Caught in the Middle; Scribble game De-militarized Zone; setting limits role-play

• Foxholes; staying safe in hostile environments Mapping activity for unsafe situations

Thrive with Resilience

• Protective Factors; Sources of Happiness• School; get teacher and staff on the team,

maintain school as neutral zone • Communication: from the other side• Support; friends, extended family• Family Building Activities– The Birthday Party– Creating a Better World Sandtray

Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships

• Re-building the bonds of attachment– Simple games to engage child and parent– Facilitating parents meeting child’s needs;– bedtime routines, meals, parent-child dates

• Re-opening lines of communication– Talk time– Special handshakes and secret signals– “A Better World” Family Sandtray

Encountering the child in No Man’s Land

• Helping the child find themselves• Helping the Alienator let go• Helping the Target Parent hang on• Relationship repair

Romantic Futures

• College money• Kids who have sustainable marriages

• Happy Marriage Activities• Charting a new course for relationships• My Future Me skit

For Battle Weary Therapists

• Process the Case• Seek consultation• Don’t touch that phone• Don’t take that referral• Live to fight another day

Jane L. Johnson, LCSWRegistered Play Therapist-Supervisor

Offering play therapy supervisionand consultation

Contact me:

cslg4kids@aol.com970-266-2678www.playtherapistsworkshop.com