B.F. SKINNER

MEETS

The Werewolf

A Two-Act ComedyByKenneth F. Hoke-Witherspoon

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B. F. SKINNER MEETS THE WEREWOLFBy: Kenneth F. Hoke-Witherspoon

April 9, 1990

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CAST

(In Order Of Appearance)

B. F. Skinner, noted psychologist

Igor, his assistant

Julie, B. F. Skinner’s daughter

The Werewolf

Ninja, companion to the Tall Stranger

Tall Stranger, better known as Death

Professor from California

Professor from New York

Professor from North Carolina

Clergyman

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ACT I

A LARGE CLOTH MOON IS SUSPENDED FROM THE FLYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE.

B.F. FROM OFFSTAGEAhhhhhh, what a night!

(ENTER B.F. SKINNER, WEARING A NARROW LAPELLED, FORTIES STYLE SUIT, WHICH HE KEEPS FULLY BUTONED, AND CARRYING A CANE WHICH HANGS FROM HIS ARM.)

B.F.Everything is right. The air is right. The time is right. Even the moon (HE GIVES IT A WHACK WITH HIS CANE) though undeniably cloth, is right. And soon, very soon, I shall be proved right. (YELLING) Igor!

(ENTER IGOR, A HUNCHBACK IN A WHITE LAB COAT. HE CARRIES TWO LARGE ELECTRODES, ONE IN EACH HAND, BOTH CONNECTED TO A SINGLE LARGE CABLE WHICH LEADS OFFSTAGE. ON HIS BACK IS A HOLLOW HUMP WHICH RESOUNDS WHEN HIT.)

IGORIgor shock him for you master. Igor shock him for you.

B.F.Look at that moon, Igor.

IGOR(TENTATIVELY) Yes, Master?

B.F.Describe it to me.

IGORThe Moon, Master?

B.F.(IMPATIENTLY) Yes, the moon. Now.

IGOR(CRINGING) Round, Master?

(B.F. WHACKS HIM ON HIS HUMP WITH THE CANE)

IGOR

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Full?

(B.F. WHACK HIM AGAIN WITH THE CANE)

IGORBig?

(AGAIN THE WHATC)

IGORBright?

(B.F. STARTS TO WHACK BUT STOPS)

B.F.Close enough.

(B.F. GIVES IGOR AN M&M WHICH IGOR ACCEPTS WITH A SIGH OF RELIEF)

B.F.The moon is right, Igor.

IGORRight. The moon is right. Is good that the moon is right, right, Master?

B.F.(APPROVINGLY) Right. “Is good” that the moon is right. “Is good” that everything is right. Especially me.

IGORMaster always right, right Master?

B.F.Quite right, my faithful Igor. (BITTERLY) Though there are those who don’t think so…

IGORWho, Master? Tell Igor who and Igor shock them for you.

B.F.All of the, Igor. All of those “learned” men of science…

IGORThen Igor shock all of science for you.

B.F.

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No, no – Igor. We must be respectful of science. After all, science has been very kind to us. Where would we be without science? Look at all it has given us: Waterpics, electric knives, aerosol cheese…

IGORFake fat…

B.F.(WHACKING HIM ON HUMP WITH CANE) Sarcasm is not appreciated, Igor.

IGOR(COWERING FROM BLOWS) Science is good, Master. Science is good…

B.F.Good? (B.F. WHACKS IGOR ONE MORE TIME) No, Igor, Science is (PAUSE) great.

IGORGreat and “right”, right, Master?

B.F.Now you understand, Igor.

IGORYes, Master. Igor understand. Science great and moon is right. (IGOR’S EYES LIGHT UP AND HE QUICKLY DROPS THE ELECTRODES AND PRODUCES A SMALL PORTABLE COMPUTER) Master want to “cite”? Master still have “bytes”.

B.F.Ha Ha Ha! My clever Igor…

IGORYes, Master. Igor clever. Igor sure not stupid. Master want to “write” now?

B.F.Yes, my devoted Igor, I shall write.

IGORThen write on, Master, write on.

B.F.(INTONING) So often have I been laughed at…

IGOR(ONE HAND SEIZING ELECTRODE) Who, Master? Tell Igor who.

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B.F.They laughed at my pigeons; they guaffawed at my rats; they snickered at my primates; they even chortled at my dogs…

IGORThey need good shock, Master.

B.F.It certainly wouldn’t hurt them. But no matter. I bear no grudges, for soon they will eat their cackles, for after this night…

IGORThis right night.

B.F.…the whole world will gain new respect for B.F. Skinner. They say my methods only work with the lowest of God’s beasts, that creatures of reason will never be swayed by my system. They say that I am only a quack whose techniques are transitory at best; but you know what I say, Igor…?

IGOR(REACHING FOR ELECTRODES) Shock they?

B.F.Not with those, no, but shock “they”, yes. I will prove them wrong, Igor…

IGORBecause Master is right…

B.F.(FEEDING IGOR AN M&M)… I will show them just how mistaken they are…

IGORBecause they are not bright…

B.F.(FEEDING IGOR ANOTHER M&M)… and they will realize at last just how great an injustice they have perpetuated upon my name.

IGORThey will see the light.

B.F.Ha ha ha ha ha! My wise Igor. (B.F. HANDS IGOR THE BAG OF M&MS) Here – take the whole bag.

(IGOR MAKES A FACE OF DISTRESS TOWARD THE AUDIENCE AND THEN TURNS AND SAYS WITH FORCED ENTHUSIASM)

IGORThank you Master. Thank you. Thank you. Igor just love M&Ms.

B.F.I know, my constant Igor. (PAUSE) Aren’t you going to eat them?

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IGOR(THINKING QUICKLY) How you going to shock science, Master? Tell Igor. Igor like to hear about shocks.

B.F.Ha ha ha ha! (AS B.F. LAUGHS, IGOR THROWS THE BAG OF M&M’S INTO THE AUDIENCE) How am I going to shock them? How, you ask. (B.F. WHACKS IGOR ON HUMP WITH CANE) Take this down.

IGOR(RUSHING BACK TO PORTABLE P.C.) Right. Igor write. Igor write how right Master is right…

B.F.(THREATENING IGOR WITH CANE) Just write.

IGORRight.

B.F.I am about to embark upon my most ambitious and important enterprise. I intend to obtain a live specimen of one of the most primitive, base, primordial, atavistic, brutalistic, archaic, uncivilized…

(IGOR MIGHTLY STRUGGLES TO KEEP UP WITH THIS FLOW OF WORDS)

B.F.… barbaric, untamed, ignorant, brutish, undomesticated forms of life this planet has ever produced.

(IGOR GETS TO CATCH HIS BREATH FOR A MILLISECOND.)

B.F.I intend to take this insolent, amoral, recalcitrant, salacious, seditious, wanton, obstinate…

(IGOR TYPES DESPARATELY WITH ONE HAND WHILE PRODUCING A SMALL TAPE RECORDER OR MICROPHONE WITH THE OTHER)

B.F.… corrupt, insubordinate, depraved, iconoclastic, profane, subversive…

(IGOR RELAXES, STRETCHES OUT ON ONE ELBOW)

B.F.…sacreligious, disloyal and evil being and turn him into a purry, flabby, feeble, flacid…

(IGOR PRODUCES A BAG OF REESE’S PIECES. HE EATS ONE AND HIS FACE LIGHTS UP IN ECSTACY)

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B.F.…spineless, impotent, manageable and sedentary animal eager to please and behave just as we say – Are you getting this all down?

IGORIgor not miss a word, Master.

B.F.I am going to change the world, Igor. I am going to test my methods on the most challenging antagonist ever faced by civilization.

IGOR(ENJOYING HIS REESE’S PIECES) Who Igor get to shock, Master?

B.F.A liberal, Igor.

IGOR(SO SHOCKED HIMSELF THAT HE STANDS) No, Master!

B.F.(TURNING TO FACE HIM) Yes, Igor! Yes! Yes!

IGORIgor thought liberals all gone, Master.

B.F.(GOES OVER NEXT TO IGOR) Would that they were, Igor. Everyone thinks so but that’s merely wishful thinking. They are still out there, pretending to share our opinions, nodding in agreement to our wisdoms, but when the moon is full, and the lunar influences predominate, they revert to their natural selves. All of their inhibitions are lowered and they reveal what they truly are – Why aren’t you taking this down?

(IGOR DUCKS AND CROUCHES AND GRABS THE MICROPHONE/RECORDER TO SHOW TO B.F.)

IGORIgor not want to misquote Master, not unless Master say to.

B.F.(RUBBING IGOR’S HUMP) Ahhh, my resourceful Igor. (B.F. POPS AN M&M INTO IGOR’S MOUTH)

IGOR(QUICKLY) Master!

B.F.What?

IGORListen.

(B.F. STIFFENS AND LISTENS, IGOR TAKES THE M&M OUT OF HIS MOUTH)

B.F.I hear it.

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IGORHuh? What Master hear?

(THERE IS THE SOUND OF A LOUD TWIG SNAPPING AND TWO FEET WALKING THROUGH AUTUMN LEAVES)

B.F.Quickly! Behind the moon!

(THEY BOTH MAKE HASTE)

B.F.(FROM BEHIND THE MOON) Prepare the trap. Now!

(SOUND OF LEAF SHISHING FEET CEASES)

(THE FOLLING SOUNDS ALL MERGE INTO EACH OTHER: HIGH HEELS WITH TAPS ON A CITY STREET; MARCHING ARMYS; FEET WALKING UP STAIRS; SHUFFLING WALK ACCOMPANIED BY HEAVY BREATHING)

(B.F. POPS HIS HEAD OUT FROM BEHIND THE MOON)

B.F.Oh, no! It can’t be! Not now! Not this night. It isn’t right…

IGOR(MUFFLED, FROM BEHIND THE MOON) When the moon is bright.

B.F.I will not be denied. (SHOUTING) Igor!

IGOR(FROM BEHIND THE MOON) Yes, Master?

B.F.Shock for me, Igor. Shock for your Master. Now! Now!

IGOR(FROM BEHIND THE MOON) Yes, Master, oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

(ENTER JULIE, DAUGHTER OF B.F. SKINNER)

JULIE(ANGRILY AND LOUDLY) Dad-deee!

(IGOR LEAPS FROM BEHIND THE MOON HOLDING HIS ELECTRODES HIGH AND WEARING A RUBBER MASK OF RICHARD NIXON)

IGORIgor shock for you, Master. Igor shock for you.

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(IGOR RUSHES JULIE, ELECTRODES AT FULL SPARK. SHE PUNCHES HIM, HER SINGLE BLOW KNOCKING HIM TO THE OTHER END OF THE STAGE)

JULIEGet out here, Daddy.

B.F.(ATTEMPTING HONEY) Julie, my dear daughter. Long time no see. You’re looking good these days. Have you lost weight?

JULIENow, Daddy.

(JULIE WALKS OVER TO B.F. AND GRABS HIM BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK FROM BEHIND THE MOON)

JULIEWhat’s this I hear about a new experiment?

B.F.Igor – to your Master, hurry!

(IGOR, HAVING SHAKEN OUT COBWEBS STARTS TO RUN TOWARD JULIE AGAIN)

IGORIgor shock him for you Master…

JULIE(HALTING IGOR IN HIS TRACKS WITH A THREATENING FINGER AND WITHERING LOOK) Don’t even think it.

IGOR(CHASTISED) Miss Julie. Good evening, Miss Julie. Isn’t this a right night?

JULIEAnd take that mask off. Don’t you think the poor man has suffered enough?

(IGOR REMOVES THE RICHARD NIXON MASK)

JULIE(TO B.F.) And as for you…

(JULIE SNATCHES CANE FROM B.F. AND PUNCTUATES HER NEXT SPEECH WITH BLOWS ABOUT B.F.’S HEAD AND SHOULDERS)

JULIEHow dare you? How dare you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself but you aren’t, are you? Oh no, not you. You are the most…

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(IGOR RUNS TO AND POSITIONS MICROPHONE)

JULIE…censurable, contentious, delinquent, impulsive, ill-mannered, disreputable…

(IGOR STRETCHES OUT ON ONE ARM ON THE FLOOR)

JULIE…indecorous, uncivil, intractable, fanatic, and irrational person I have ever met. You are worse than a child. Do you hear me? Worse, worse, worse. You are nothing but an uncivil…

(IGOR BEGINS POPPING REESE’S PIECES INTO HIS MOUTH)

JULIE…rash, impetuous, reckless, careless, audacious…

(ENTER A NINJA DRESSED IN BLACK, WHO GOES TO THE CENTER OF THE MOON AND STANDS FLAT AGAINST IT)

JULIE…heedless, precipitant, incautious, injudicious, insuppressible, frenzied, fanatic, little boy. What are you up to now? What poor little animal are you going to trap, bruise…

(NINJA SNEAKS A REESE’S PIECE)

JULIE…STAB, PIERCE, TIE UP AND GENERALLY ABUSE NOW? Which one?

B.F.Igor…

IGORMaster going to shock a liberal…

(AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD “LIBERAL,” JULIE SCREAMS AND FAINTS. SHE FALLS INTO THE ARMS OF THE BLACK CLAD NINJA WHO LETS HER FALL TO THE FLOOR AND THEN RETREATS TO THE CENTER OF THE MOON)

IGORYou condition Miss Julie, right, Master?

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B.F.Today, Miss Julie; tomorrow the world.

(BLACK CLAD NINJA PRODUCES A VERY LARGE BOOM BOX)

IGORThe world will be right, like the night.

B.F.And the moon…

(IN PLACING THE BOOM BOX ON THE FLOOR, THE BLACK CLAD NINJA ACCIDENTLY JIGGLES IT, PRODUCING A FLOURISH OF “SINISTER MUSIC”)

(B.F. AND IGOR FREEZE)

B.F.Someone approaches. (B.F. GRABS CANE FROM PROSTRATE BODY OF JULIE) Behind the moon, quickly.

(IGOR DRAGS JULIE BEHIND THE MOON AS NINJA WIPES SWEAT FROM HIS BROW)

B.F.(THIS AND THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE FROM BEHIND THE MOON) Igor! (SOUND OF WHACK UPON HUMP) Cut that out!

IGORBut she is so beautiful, Master.

(SOUND OF TWO WHACKS)

B.F.Go and prepare the trap. Now!

(LOW UNDISTINGUISHABLE MUSIC FROM OFFSTAGE)

B.F.There. Do you hear that, Igor?

IGORIgor hear it. Igor think it jazz, Master.

(AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD “JAZZ”, JULIE SCREAMS)

IGORIgor shock her for you, Master?

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(SOUND OF WHACK)

B.F.To your place, now.

(SOUND OF IMPROVISED JAZZ ON SAXAPHONE)

(ENTER THE WEREWOLF. HE IS BLOWING LICKS ON A SAXAPHONE AND HAS THROWN ABOUT HIS SHOULDER A CLOTH BAG WITH THE WORDS “MURRAY’S – QUICHE TO GO” PRINTED ON IT. HE HAS ON TATTERED BLUE JEANS AND AN OBVIOUSLY WELL WORN “CARD CARRYING MEMBER OF THE ACLU” TEE SHIRT. HE STOPS, LICKS HIS PARCHED LIPS, AND LAYS HIS SAX ON THE STAGE. FROM HIS BAG HE TAKES A LARGE BOTTLE OF PERRIER. HE TAKES A DEEP DRAUGHT FROM IT)

B.F.I think we have a live one, Igor. Let us begin, now. Be ready.

B.F.(POPPING HIS HEAD FROM BEHIND THE MOON) Can I interest you in a subscription to the New Republic?

(WEREWOLF GROWLS)

IGOR(POPPING HIS HEAD FROM BEHIND THE MOON) You know, Ronald Reagan was right.

(WEREWOLF GROWLS AGAIN)

B.F.Some of my best friends are liberals.

(JULIE SCREAMS, SILENCED BY A BLOW FROM B.F.’S CANE)

(WEREWOLF GROWLS, THEN COMPOSES HIMSELF BY READING A COPY OF THE VILLAGE VOICE)

B.F.He is a tough one, Igor.

IGORIgor see that, Master.

B.F.Time for the trap.

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(IGOR DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE MOON)

B.F.You know what I miss – what I really miss?

(WEREWOLF IGNORES B.F.)

B.F.The good old days…

(WEREWOLF GROWLS HIS LOUDEST GROWL YET)

B.F.But they’re coming back. And you’ll be there. Four more years – four more years…

(WEREWOLF GROWLS IN AGONY AND BEGINS PACING)

B.F.Four more years. Four more years.

(WEREWOLF GROWLS MIGHTILY, TRYING TO CONTROL HIMSELF)

B.F.(IN LOUD STAGE WHISPER) Igor! Now!

((IGOR APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE MOON, WEARING THE NEXON MASK, ELECTRODES HELD HIGH, IN THE FASHION OF RICHARD NIXON’S V’S, AND SAYS)

IGORI am not a crook. I am not a crook.

(WEREWOLF COMPLETELY LOSES ALL DECORUM AND ATTACKS IGOR)

B.F.Shock him, Igor! Shock him!

(JULIE JUMPS FROM BEHIND THE MOON, GRABS B.F.’S CANE AND PULLS IT UP AROUND B.F.’S NECK)

(JULIE AND B.F. TUSTLE WITH EACH OTHER AS THE BLACK CLAD NINJA STRIKES POSES OF SELF-DEFENSE)

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(SOMEONE’S FOOT HITS THE BOOM BOX AND MUSIC APROPOS TO THE FIGHT BEGINS)

(NINJA, WITH BODY MOVEMENT, URGES ON ALL COMBATANTS)

(B.F., WEREWOLF, JULIE, AND IGOR DISAPPEAR BEHIND THE MOON TO SOCK AND HIT NOISES)

(THEY REAPPEAR, THIS TIME WITH JULIE BATTLING IGOR AND ELECTRODES AND B.F. BATTLING WEREWOLF WITH HIS CANE)

(BLACK NINJA BECOMES TRULY EXCITED IN HIS MOVEMENT; PERFORMS PHYSICALLY ORIENTED COMMENTARY ON THE ACTION – THROWING PUNCHES AND THE LIKE)

(FOUR PRINCIPALS DISAPPEAR BEHIND THE MOON AGAIN)

(FROM OFFSTAGE A LOUD AND SINISTER CLEARING OF A THROAT)

(BLACK NINJA IMMEDIATELY TURNS OFF THE MUSIC AND STRIKES HIS “TERROR TOWARD THE WORLD” POSE)

(IGOR COMES FROM BEHIND THE MOON CONTROLLING A SUBDUED WEREWOLF WITH HIS ELECTRODES. B.F. COMES FROM BEHIND THE MOON WITH JULIE UNCEREMONIOUSLY DRAPED ON HIS BACK, HER HANDS STILL ON CANE ABOUT HIS NECK)

B.F.Good work, my intrepid and consciencious Igor…

IGORIgor shock Wolfie for Master, and it wasn’t easy.

B.F.Off to my la-bor-a-tory, Igor.

JULIEI won’t let you do this, Daddy.

B.F.George McGovern.

(JULIE SCREAMS AND FAINTS, STILL ON B.F.’S BACK AND CLUTCHING HIS CANE)

B.F.Let the experiment begin.

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(AS THEY EXIT

IGORWolfie not so tough now, huh…?

(LOUD COUGH FROM OFFSTAGE)

(BLACK NINJA REACHES DOWN AND TURNS ON “SINISTER” MUSIC)

(ENTER A TALL STRANGER WITH A LONG BLACK CLOAK AND A FLOPPY HAT WHICH OBSCURES ALL HIS FEATURES)

T.S.Almost blew that one, didn’t you?

(BLACK NINJA FALLS PROSTRATE, EXPOSES HIS NECK, AND OFFERS TALL STRANGER HIS SWORD)

T.S.No, not yet. This is not the right time. Not tonight, this bright night, when everything is right. We shall wait.

(BLACK NINJA STANDS)

T.S.Boost the volume on that, will you?

(BLACK NINJA TURNS UP THE SINISTER MUSIC)

T.S.Let us go now. Our time is soon.

(THEY EXIT, BLACK NINJA WITH BOOM BOX ON HIS SHOULDER)

(MUSIC FADES)

(LIGHT FADES)

End of Act I)

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ACT II

(THE HOUSE IS DARK.)

(THE SONG “THE BALLAD OF THE GREEN BERET” IS HEARD ALONG WITH A PLAINTIVE WOLFIE CRY FROM THE WEREWOLF)

(THE LIGHTS COME UP TO REVEAL THE LABORATORY OF B.F. SKINNER)

(DOMINATING THE REAR CENTER IS A LARGE PORTRAIT OF OLIVER NORTH. IN FRONT OF IT THE WEREWOLF, DRESSED IN A CONSERVATIVE THREE PIECE SUIT, FULLY BUTTONED, WITH REQUISITE WHITE SHIRT, STARCHED COLLARAND TIE (SHOES OPTINAL), SITS DISCONSOLATELY ON THE EDGE OF A PLUSH EASY CHAIR. TO ONE SIDE OF HIM, A TABLE CONTAINING A STEAK DINNER WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS, ON THE OTHER, MAGAZINE RACK WITH CONSERVATIVE MAGAZINES AND SUCH TITLES AS GUNS AND AMMO AND SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. STAGE LEFT CONTAINS A PIANO AND STOOL, STAGE RIGHT CONTAINS FOUR CHAIRS. A LARGE TABLE CONTAINS A SMALL CONTROL PANEL)

(ENTER IGOR. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY)

IGORPoor Wolfie.

ANNOUNCERS’S VOICEAnd now, a speech, from the vice-President of the United States, Daniel Quayle.

IGORNo! Not even liberal have to listen to that.

(IGOR GOES TO THE TABLE AND TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME)

IGOR(APPROACHING WEREWOLF, FURTIVELY) Wolfie…?

(WEREWOLF GROWLS AND SLASHES)

IGORIt’s me, Wolfie. Igor.

(WEREWOLF SNIFFS TOWARD HIM AND GIVES FRIENDLY BUT SAD GROWL)

IGORIgor bring present for you, Wolfie…

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(IGOR PRODUCES…)

IGORLook! Utne Reader for Wolfie.

(WEREWOLF GRABS AND OPENS THE UTNE READER. HE DIGESTS A FEW TITLES AND GROWLS MOURNFULLY. HE GOES OVER TO THE PIANO AND LEANS IN A SORROWFUL POSE AS HE SITS ON THE STOOL)

IGOR(GOING OVER TO THE WEREWOLF) What’s wrong, Wolfie? Igor sorry, but it’s not such a bad job. Igor got great benefits. Master give us all free medical care we want.

(WEREWOLF HOWLS)

IGORThink of this like M&M’s Wolfie. You don’t have to like them – you just have to say you do.

(WEREWOLF PLAYS ON THE PIANO AND GROWLS A FEW BARS OF “I GOTTA BE ME.” HOWLS SOULFULLY AND LEANS ON PIANO)

IGORPoor Wolfie. Don’t cry Wolfie. Igor bring you special present. Look Reese’s Pieces.

(WEREWOLF LOOKS, HESITATES, THEN TAKES JUST ONE)

(WEREWOLF GROWLS IN A FRIENDLY MANNER AND NUZZLES IGOR WITH HIS HEAD)

IGOR(PATTING WEREWOLF) That good Wolfie – see? Everything going to be all right.

(IGOR SCATCHES WEREWOLF BEHIND EARS)

IGORGood Wolfie – see? Everything not so bad now, is it?

B.F. FROM OFFSTAGEAhhhh! What a day!

(WEREWOLF GROWLS MOURNFULLY)

19

IGORQuick Wolfie – back in comfy chair.

(WEREWOLF GROWLS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD NO)

IGORPlease Wolfie. If Master see you out of chair, he make Igor shock you. Igor no want to shock Wolfie. Igor like Wolfie.

(WEREWOLF EMITIS SURPRISED GROWL)

IGORIs true. Wolfie enough to make Igor change his mind about liberals. Igor no want to shock Wolfie. Please go back to comfy chair.

(WEREWOLF TAKES IGOR’S HAND IN SOUL HANDSHAKE AND SITS IN COMFY CHAIR. IGOR BUSIES HIMSELF AT CONSOLE)

(ENTER B.F.)

B.F.Ahhhh! What a day! Do you know what kind of day it is, Igor?

IGOR(TRYING TO MOVE OUT OF CANE RANGE) A “gay” day?

B.F.(WHACKING IGOR ON HIS HUMP WITH THE CANE) What?

(WEREWOLF STIRS)

IGORA day to make hay?

(B.F. WHACKS IGOR ON HIS HUMP WITH THE CANE AGAIN)

(WEREWOLF GROWLS LOWLY)

B.F.(LOOKING TOWARD WEREWOLF) What was that, my feral friend? Do I sense rebellion?

IGOR(INTERVENING) Master! Master! Igor got it. Igor know what day it is. It payday.

20

(B.F.WHACKS IGOR’S HUMP; WEREWOLF STRAINS FROM INTERNAL FORCES IN A FIERCE MANNER TOWARDS B.F.)

(B.F. TURNS A KNOB ON CONTROL PANEL)

(ALFIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS ARE HEARD SINGING)

(WEREWOLF CLASPS HANDS OVER EARS AND FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN AGONY)

IGORNo, Master No!

B.F.(RAISING CANE IN SHOCK AT THIS EFFRONTERY) NO?!?!

IGORThat’s negative conditioning, Master. Negative conditioning revert. You tell Igor that yourself.

B.F.Hmmmmm. You’re right, my retentive associate.

(B.F. TURNS KNOBS ON CONSOLE. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS FADE DOWN, LAWRENCE WELK BUBBLE MUSIC COMES UP. WOLFIE STAGGERS BACK TO COMFY CHAIR)

B.F.But just why, my duplicitious traducer, do you care?

IGOR(THINKING QUICKLY) Master, what day is today? Igor give up. Not know the answer. Need Master to tell him.

(WEREWOLF GIVES THUMBS UP SIGN IN APPRECIATION OF THIS GAMBET)

B.F.You do, do you?

IGORYes, Igor is stumped. He has no clue.

B.F.Well, Igor, what month is this?

IGOR

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(HUNGHING, PUZZLED) May?!?

B.F.So what day is this?

IGORMay Day?

(B.F.WHACKS IGOR REPEATEDLY ON HOLLOW HUMP. WEREWOLF IS UPSET BUT IGOR GESTURES HIM TO BE COOL)

B.F.(WHILE WHACKING) How dare you? Igor, don’t you ever, as long as you’re humped, mention that Communist celebration in this household.

IGORThen what day is today, Master? Tell Igor. Don’t beat him.

B.F.Today? Today, Igor, is a day in May.

IGORA day in May…

B.F.Correct.

IGORBut not a gay day in May…

B.F.Not in this laboratory.

IGOR… and definitely not payday.

B.F.Well – yes. Today is payday, in a way…

IGORNow let Igor get this straight. Today is day in May but definitely not gay or May Day but maybe payday?

B.F.Precicely, my witty, prosaic collegue. Ha ha ha ha!

22

IGOR(IN STAGE WHISPER TO WEREWOLF) Wolfie, Igor think Master has gone mad.

B.F.Today, Igor, is the day I present the results of my work to that pompous, insolent…

(IGOR ATTACHES MICROPHONE TO CONSOLE, WEREWOLF SETS UP A CHESS GAME)

B.F.… contemptuous, pretentious, presumptuous…

(IGOR TURNS DOWN LAWRENCE WELK MUSIC AND TURNS UP “BOLERO”. WEREWOLF CLAPS HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS AND FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN AGONY)

B.F.... impertinent, affected, gaudy, overbearing, blustering…

(IGOR TURNS DOWN BOLERO, TURNS UP BEETHOVEN SYMPHONY #3 SOFTLY. WEREWOLF GIVES THUMBS UP. WEREWOLF GESTURES IGOR TO COME TO CHESS BOARD.)

B.F.…haughty, assuming, cocky, vain, overbearing --- I want to be quoted exactly on this…

IGORStraight from the Master’s mouth.

B.F.…proud, showy, self-satisfied…

(IGOR GOES TO CHESS BOARD, MOVES A PAWN TO OPEN THE GAME)

B.F.… and self-glorifying cabal of conceited, ambitious…

(WEREWOLF MOVES. IGOR MOVES QUICKLY AND SMIRKS)

IGORLike that one, Wolfie?

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B.F.… arrogant, vainglorious and erroneous so-called intellectuals that tread the face of this planet.

IGORMaster inviting learned men of science over? Your move, Wolfie.

B.F.Learned men of science? Oh yes, Igor. But even better; learned men of science who are university scholars…

IGOR(EXCITEDLY) University scholars?

(IGOR RUNS TO CONSOLE, PRODUCES PAIR OF ELECTRODES CONNECTED WITH A COILED STRETCHABLE CORD)

(WEREWOLF PULLS OUT ENCYCLOPEDIA OF CHESS OPENINGS AND THUMBS THROUGH FRANTICALLY)

IGOR(IN ECSTACY) Igor get to shock. Igor get to shock.

B.F.(AFFECTIONATELY) Not if they are right, Igor.

IGORUniversity scholars never right, right, Master?

B.F.Right? Right! But, not quite right, not quite, for while it will be a fright to observe the heights upon which the subject now alights is to slight the sight from that right night with its full moon bright lighting all the mites which fed that blight at the very core of his integrity (B.F. GRABS MICROPHONE) This thing had better be working…

IGOR(PRODUCING ANOTHER MICROPHONE AND PLACING IT ON TOP OF THE CONSOLE) Igor always have back-up.

(WEREWOLF SLAMS BOOK SHUT AND RETURNS IT TO ITS HIDING PLACE)

IGORIgor never miss a sound of his master’s voice. (IGOR WINKS AT WEREWOLF WHO RETURNS THE ROUNDED OKAY SIGN WITH THUMB AND FOREFINGER.)

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B.F.…THEY WILL BE RIGHT, Igor. All of their doubts, qualms…

(IGOR GOES BACK OVER TO BOARD. WEREWOLF MAKES HIS MOVE AND SMIRKS)

B.F.…inquiries, catechisms, questions…

IGOR(TO WEREWOLF) Where that come from?

B.F.…disputations, challenging… Hush! Do you hear?

(IGOR RUSHES OVER TO B.F., WEREWOLF HIDES CHESSBOARD)

IGORWhat, Master?

B.F.They are coming.

IGORIgor not hear, Master.

B.F.(INDICATING CONSOLE) Then turn that down and listen.

(IGOR TURNS MUSIC DOWN)

(SOUND OF THREE MEN HUMMING THE GRADUATION MARCH (ELGAR, POMP & CIRCUMSTANCE #10 IS HEARD OFFSTAGE)

IGORMaster! University scholars coming…

B.F.Quickly, Igor! We must prepare…

(WEREWOLF DURING THE FOLLOWING PREPARES HIMSELF, I.E., HE COMBS HIS FACE, TIGHTENS HIS TIE, BRUSHES OFF HIS SUIT, ETC.)

B.F.Put out the ashtrays…

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(IGOR DOING SO)

IGORTenured professor from North Carolina…

B.F.…thaw some of the fresh seafood – anything…

(IGOR PUSHES BUTTONS ON CONSOLE)

IGORErudite educator from the East…

B.F.…and see if we have any trailmix in the cupboard.

IGOR(HAPPILY) Master! California! Igor will get to shock!

(HUMMING BECOMES LOUDER)

B.F.Make haste, my associate. Make haste.

(IGOR PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PANEL. A SIGN STATING “WELCOME LEARNED MEN OF SCIENCE” DROPS OVER THE PORTRAIT OF OLIVER NORTH)

B.F.Igor, they’re here.

(IGOR GOES AND STANDS NEXT TO B.F. AS MUCH AT ATTENTION AS HE CAN BE. WEREWOLF STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND TALL)

(HUMMING GROWS EVEN LOUDER AS ITS SOURCE, THREE UNIVERSITY SCHOLARS WEARING BLACK ROBES AND MORTARBOARDS (FOLLOWED BY A NON-HUMMING, NON-SMILING CLERGYMAN IN BLACK ROBE AND WHITE COLLAR) ENTER INTO THE ROOM. THEY MARCH UP TO THE CHAIRS, FINISH A MEASURE, AND STAND IN SILENCE)

B.F.Gentlemen, have a seat.

PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.You first, B.F.

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B.F.(MODESTLY) Gentlemen…

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.We know what you do to chairs, B.F.

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Whoopie cushions ain’t good enough for you, is they, boy?

(CLERGYMAN STANDS SILENTLY AND INDIGNANTLY OFF TO ONE SIDE)

B.F.Stand if you will, but listen to me. I have conducted the most…

PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.(BREAKING IN) Yes, yes, yes, but what is it? Give us a synopsis.

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.What does it mean, in terms of everything?

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Does the boy smoke?

B.F.That’s a good question…

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Good question, hell. That’s the only question. Now look here, boy. I’m an economist at the Jesse Helms Research Center and there’s only two questions I got: One, does the boy smoke? Two, if the boy don’t smoke, can you make him?

(PROFESSOR FROM N.C. TAKES OUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES AND WALKS UP TO WEREWOLF)

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Here , boy. Have a smoke.

(WEREWOLF STRAINS TO KEEP FROM TEARING PROFESSOR FROM N.C. APART)

(B.F. TURNS UP KNOB ON CONSOLE. AN OLD POLITICAL RONALD REAGAN RADIO COMMERCIAL IS HEARD. WEREWOLF SNATCHES THE CIGARETTE AND FUMBLES WITH MATCHES IN HIS HASTE TO TRY TO LIGHT IT)

(B.F. FADES MUSIC OUT)

27

(PROFESSOR FROM N.C. FLASHES A HANDGUN CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND CLICKS A FLAME FOR THE WEREWOLF)

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Allow me, boy. (TO B.F.) I’m impressed, B.F. Whjy don’t y’all come down and visit?

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.I have a question, Dr. Skinner…

B.F.Yes?

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.Is he a friend of nature, or is he a foe?

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.The boy smokes, don’t he?

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.Whatever he does in private is his own business, but does he support the universal good? Will he work for the harmony of all things, Dr. Skinner?

B.F.He will do whatever you want him to.

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.(WHIPPING OUT A SCROLLED PIECE OF PAPER) Will he sign my petition?

IGORMaster…

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.(TAKING OUT FLASK AND OFFERING IT TO WEREWOLF) You better take this, son. You’re going to need it.

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.The environment is not a laughing matter.

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.It ain’t the environment we laughing at, boy.

B.F.He will sign it.

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IGORMaster, no. Don’t be cruel. Not a California petition…

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.Will he read it first?

(B.F. TAKES THE PETITION FROM THE PROFESSOR FROM C.A.)

B.F.I’ll read it to him. We, the undersigned, demand that the government protects lambs…

(WEREWOLF GROWLS IN DISTRESS)

B.F.…all lambs. Ever helpless lambs out in the middle of the range, lost, dehydrated and beyond the point of pain…

(WEREWOLF PROTESTS PHYSICALLY)

B.F.… and we ask that this protection be extended to lamb products and by-products…

(WEREWOLF FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN DISBELIEF, THEN PAIN AT EACH ITEM OF THE CATALOG)

B.F.…including: lamb roast, lamb chops, lamb shanks, leg of lamb, lamb loin, lamb stew, lambswool…

IGORMaster, you go too far.

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.They always do, boy.

B.F.…serge, mohair, worsted, tweed, flannel, gabardine, frieze, broadcloth and felt. Further…

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.Will he sign it?

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(B.F. PUTS PETITION ON TABLE. WEREWOLF SHAKES HIS HEAD “NO”. B.F. TURNS KNOB. ON COMES DEBBIE BOONE SINGING “YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE”. WEREWOLF RUNS TO THE TABLE AND SIGNS THE PETITION)

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.That’s two hundred and seventeen.

PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.This is all very well and good but we still have to ask the essential questions. While he may have social skills and wit and charm, what we inquiring minds want to know is, does he have taste?

B.F.What would be the point of all this if he didn’t?

PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.Prove it to me.

(B.F. TURNS A KNOB ON THE PANEL. THE SONG “FEELINGS” COMES ON. THE WEREWOLF STARTS PACING IN GREAT ANXIETY)

PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.This shows taste?

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.I like this song. It’s Art.

B.F.Observe the reaction, and how I channel it.

(WHEN THE SONG REACHES THE LINE “FEELINGS O - O – O FEELINGS” WEREWOLF LOSES IT AND LEAPS TO ATTACK THE CONSOLE. B.F. GRABS ELECTRODE AND SHOCKS WEREWOLF. WEREWOLF GOES TO PIANO AND BEGINS PLAYING “42ND STREET”)

B.F.(TO PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.) Is that taste enough for you?

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Listen!

(WEREWOLF STOPS PLAYING, THERE IS SILENCE ON STAGE)

(THE FOLLOWING MUSICAL CUES ALL MERGE INTO ONE ANOTHER: THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC; THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE;

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“OHIO” BY C.S.N.Y.; THE SOUND OF DRAGGING FOOT WITH HEAVY BREATHING)

B.F.Oh no, not now! Igor, shock for your Master…

IGORYou on your own now, Master.

(ENTER JULIE. SHE HOLDS A LARGE PLACARD READING “FREE WOLFIE NOW” ACROSS THE TOP WITH THE LETTERS P.E.T.E.W.E. PROMINENT ACROSS THE BOTTOM. ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE IS THE PHRASE “KILL LENNIE PAZULSKI” CROSSED OUT)

JULIEHalt, in the name of Petuwie!

(PROFESSOR FROM N.Y. AND PROFESSOR FROM N.C. GASP)

IGORWhat is Petuwie?

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.(STANDING BEHIND JULIE) Free Wolfie now! Free Wolfie now!

B.F.Petuwie! You dare come into your father’s house and say Petuwie? Have you no shame? At long last, have you no dignity?

IGORWhat is Petuwie?

(WEREWOLF CONCURES)

B.F.Petuwie. Petuwie. Petuwie is the most nefarious…

IGOR(INTERUPTING) Miss Julie, what is Petuwie?

JULIE(PROUDLY) People for the Ethical Treatment of Enslaved Werewolves Everywhere.

(WEREWOLF APPLAUDS)

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PROFESSOR FROM C.A.Free Wolfie now.

IGORThey have a point, Master…

PROFESSOR FROM N.Y.There is a quote somewhere about keeping one’s house in order…

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Should have married her off, boy.

B.F.Julie, stop this nonsense now.

JULIEYou no longer tell me what to do, Daddy.

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.(HAVING SEEN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SIGN) Kill Lennie Pazulski!

JULIE…I’ll do whatever I want. I’ll even marry Wolfie if I want…

PROFESSOR FROM N.C.Yeee dowgie!

IGORHey, that my woman.

B.F.Over my dead body. Do you hear? Over my dead body.

(SOUND OF SINISTER MUSIC IS HEARD. EVERYONE FREEZES)

(ENTER BLACK NINJA, BOOM BOX IN ONE HAND SAMURAI SWORD IN THE OTHER)

(FOLLOWING HIM ENTERS THE TALL STRANGER)

T.S.B.F.Skinner, do you believe in irony?

B.F.Who are you?

32

T.S.Who am I? Who am I? Ha ha ha ha!

(TALL STRANGER REMOVES HIS CLOAK. ON IT LETTERED LARGE ENOUGH FOR THE AUDIENCE TO SEE, IS THE WORD “DEATH”. HE TOSSES THE CLOAK OFFSTAGE AND IN CASE THE POINT IS MISSED, ON HIS SHIRT AND PANTS ARE WRITTEN THE WORD DEATH IN MANY DIFFERENT LANGUAGES)

T.S.Your time has come, B.F. Skinner. Yor time is now…

IGOR(LOUDLY) Nooooo!!!

(IGOR GRABS ELECTRODES FROM PODIUM AND ATTACKS AND FIGHTS WITH DEATH. THEY ENTER INTO A MIGHTY STRUGGLE. THE PROFESSOR FROM N.Y. AND THE PROFESSOR FROM N.C. CHEER IGOR ON. THE CLERGYMAN THROWS OFF HIS ROBE AND REFEREES. THE NINJA RUSHES BEHIND THE CONSOLE, PRODUCES A THIRD MICROPHONE, AND GIVES A PLAY BY PLAY INTO ALL THREE MICROPHONES)

(TALL STRANGER/DEATH GAINS THE UPPER HAND)

T.S.You poor, poor Igor. You think science can conquer death? You think that all your weedeaters, pesticides, and five day deodorant pads can hold back the inevitable? It is not even your time, my poor Igor. But if you challenge Death you must face the consequences…

IGORWill no one help poor Igor?

(WEREWOLF GROWLS MIGHTILY AND LEAPS INTO THE FRAY. EVERYONE GOES WILD EXCEPT FOR THE PROFESSOR FROM C.S. WHO SAYS)

PROFESSOR FROM C.A.Free Wolfie now and kill Lennie Pazulski!

(THE TALL STRANGER/DEATH DIES)

IGORDeath is dead. Igor kill Death for you, Master.

(WEREWOLF GROWLS)

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IGORWolfie help a little.

JULIE(HUGGING B.F.) Free Wolfie, Daddy. Free Wolfie now.

B.F.But my experiment… my science…

CLERGYMANBut what about free will?

(EVERYONE HISSES AND BOOS CLERGYMAN AND SOME THROW ITEMS AT HIM)

CLERGYMANYou may dispise me but what about him? He has saved your life. He has proved that, though liberal and misguided he may be, he has a soul. Will you let him go, Dr. Skinner? Will you give him choice?

B.F.(AFTER PAUSE) You are free, Werewolf.

(EVERYONE CHEERS)

IGOR(GOING OVER TO WEREWOLF) You sure you don’t want to stay?

(WEREWOLF NON-VERBALLY BUT VERY EMPHATICALLY ASSURES IGOR THAT THIS IS THE CASE)

IGORWell, Wolfie, if you wouldn’t mind, play it again. Play it like you used to when you didn’t have to.

(WEREWOLF GOES TO THE PIANO. HE BEGINS PLAYING “42ND STREET”)

(EVERYONE TAP DANCES EXCEPT DEATH)

(IGOR SHOCKS DEATH)

(DEATH GETS UP AND TAP DANCES, TOO)

Curtain

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