Assertiveness - Why Won’t You Say 'No'? – by B K Kaini Page 1

Assertiveness - Why Won’t You Say 'No'?

By Bachchu Kailash Kaini PhD Student (University of Greenwich, London); Cert in Clinical Audit (UK); PGD/Master in Hosp Mgmt (IIHMR

University, India); MBA, LLB, BEd, BCom (TU, Nepal)

Clinical Governance Manager, Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Trust, London

The word is very simple – 'No'. The pronunciation is also simple 'n∂υ'. But many of us hesitate to say 'no', we think 'no' hurts others. Does it really hurt you? Only we have fear or hesitation! Why do you say 'yes' when you want to say 'no'? I asked these questions to many of my friends and got almost the same answers – the other person may dislike me for it, I will get rejected if I don't go along with it, the other person may get angry, it may look selfish or rude and so on. I think you would also give the same answers, if I had asked you before. One day, when I was going to my office in Central London, my wife says to me, "Are you going to your office? Do you know it is next to the famous Indian Restaurant – ‘Bombay Cycle’?" "Yes," I replied and I left to my destination. "Did you pass through Bombay Cycle?" she questioned when I came back to my home. "Yes," I just replied and she remained quit. After sometimes, she said to me, "There is a famous restaurant 'Bombay Cycle’ nearby your office ". She implied and I was really amazed. Instead of asking, "Would you please bring Indian take away from the Central London, since you are passing by the ‘Bombay Cycle’, she just hinted it to me indirectly, what she wanted. Few years back, I thought myself to be involved in the teaching of assertiveness to my family and began the process. I have been involved in the learning and the teaching process of "assertiveness" for the last few years. I often talk about assertiveness and the different stories to my family members about this subject. Nevertheless, I must realize that I was unable to teach the assertiveness to my family by that time. Now, I am able to convey the right way of being assertive after few years of involvement in this process. It needs a practical approach and it is a lifetime process. According to Jenny Rogers, "Assertiveness is about balancing your needs with the needs of other people. It is about demonstrating respect for others as well as self-respect". Assertiveness is for everyone, it is for you also. If you are assertive, you are much more likely to get more of what you want and you will feel good about yourself and your behavior. You can influence others by stating your preferences and opinions clearly and in an appropriate, easily heard way.

Assertiveness - Why Won’t You Say 'No'? – by B K Kaini Page 2

Human beings are the only creatures who can think, analyze, decide and invent something very wisely. But many people often fail to think and speak as per their wishes and feel guilty and remain unhappy. People don't recognize their 'brilliant strengths' as well as their power, people don't use their right to speak and their right to say 'no'. You have the right to do anything as long as it does not interfere with others. You have the right to change your mind, to make mistakes, to ask for what you want, to say no and to maintain your dignity by being properly assertive, even if it hurts someone else. As Dr. Arnold said, "You must recognize your rights and stand up for them. If you don't, other people define your role for you, and you stop being yourself". Exactly same thing happens to many of us. Everyone has the right to choose his or her life of living, whether it be living in hell or living in paradise. You can make feel pleasant or misery or anger, when you speak to others. It is up to you. The way you speak and respond, the way you feel, it all matters to others. You can change your attitudes and feelings about yourself by changing your actions. You need commitment, desire and practice to accomplish this goal. As there is a saying, 'Man's brain is like an umbrella, it works when you open it'. Open your brain, set the goal and start the practice, you will certainly reach your destination – 'assertive fellow'. Of course, everyone wants to be assertive. It is a method of straight communication, exercise of rights or authority, the way of speaking that you want to say and furthermore, stand up for yourself. According to Dr. Fensterhein, a truly assertive person possesses four characteristics. If you want to be assertive, you should feel free to reveal yourself, communicate with people on all levels, have an active orientation of life and respect yourself. Changing your behavior slightly may have a great impact on relations with others and on your own self-image. It is neither difficult nor impossible. Only you need continuous practice. Once you practice and continue it, it becomes a habit, when it becomes a habit; it is ever lasting as long as you want to continue it. Changing specific behavior can change the way people react to you, the way you feel about yourself and your life style. Change is always better, if it is directed towards a positive direction. Changing from unassertive to assertive or making the ability to say 'no' when you want to say 'no' and 'yes' when you want to say 'yes', to ask favors and make requests, to communicate feelings and thoughts in an open, direct way. Different kinds of relationships exist with different people and your liability is to analyze and define the relationship and express your views firmly in appropriate and polite manners.