how to suck at marketing

HOW TO

SUCK AT

MARKETING.

are you partying

marketing like it’s 1999?

Yes.

No.

you are definitely…

Yes. if

and…

YOUR MARKETING

SUCKS.

not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices? ?

here’s a helpful guide on…

HOW TO

SUCK AT

MARKETING.

call people randomly and ask them to buy your stuff.

call during dinner time or when they least expect it. PRO TIP:

if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up.

if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up. (say it confidently like you do)

send unsolicited emails to people who have never heard of your company before.

(and ask them to buy your stuff)

if you feel like you need more random people to spam, rent or buy additional contact lists.

PRO TIP:

be persistent. email or call with great frequency.

PRO TIP #2:

be persistent. email or call with great frequency. (asking to buy your stuff)

PRO TIP #2:

do not invest in sophisticated marketing software.

do not invest in sophisticated marketing software. INSTEAD…

P!r"#$%&'! your marketing emails with great salutations like these:

Dear Sir or Madam

To Whom it May Concern

Our Valued Customer

Hi Friend

Greetings Earthling

send your entire contact list the same email marketing message.

PRO TIP:

send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)

PRO TIP:

send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)

BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.

PRO TIP:

don’t waste time worrying about you’re grammar or speling. PRO TIP #2:

spend time on the

following…

stuffing as many keywords into your

website as possible.

buying expensive booths at trade shows.

sending more direct mail to random people. (about buying your stuff, duh)

and if you still have extra time…

go door to door to try and get people to buy your stuff.

say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product.

PRO TIP:

say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)

PRO TIP:

say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your company will need to figure it out)

PRO TIP:

think of yourself as a marketing hero among ordinary men. (or women)

you know better than your

customers, prospects, and

sales team:

DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.

show how awesome you are that you don’t need to A/B test any of your emails, landing pages, or calls-to-action.

make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too.

make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are.

make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are. always.

WARNING! DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING:

1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) DO NOT

1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing

DO NOT

1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database

DO NOT

1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership

DO NOT

1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership 5.  attend educational conferences or seminars

DO NOT

1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2.  align your sales & marketing 3.  segment your contact database 4.  attempt thought leadership 5.  attend educational conferences or seminars 6.  embrace inbound marketing

DO NOT

IT’S STRONGLY RECOMMENDED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

1.  use lots of marketing jargon DO

1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements

DO

1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements 3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials

DO

1.  use lots of marketing jargon 2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements 3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials 4.  lots of outbound marketing

DO

curious to know if your marketing

SUCKS?

(or how awesome it is?)

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

good.

get a detailed online marketing report. it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)

MARKETING

.GRADER .COM

created & written by

RYAN BROWN

BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT

HUBSPOT