how to suck at marketing
TRANSCRIPT
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HOW TO
SUCK AT
MARKETING.
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are you partying
marketing like it’s 1999?
Yes.
No.
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you are definitely…
Yes. if
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and…
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YOUR MARKETING
SUCKS.
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not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices? ?
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here’s a helpful guide on…
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HOW TO
SUCK AT
MARKETING.
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call people randomly and ask them to buy your stuff.
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call during dinner time or when they least expect it. PRO TIP:
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if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up.
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if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up. (say it confidently like you do)
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send unsolicited emails to people who have never heard of your company before.
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(and ask them to buy your stuff)
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if you feel like you need more random people to spam, rent or buy additional contact lists.
PRO TIP:
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be persistent. email or call with great frequency.
PRO TIP #2:
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be persistent. email or call with great frequency. (asking to buy your stuff)
PRO TIP #2:
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do not invest in sophisticated marketing software.
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do not invest in sophisticated marketing software. INSTEAD…
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P!r"#$%&'! your marketing emails with great salutations like these:
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Dear Sir or Madam
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To Whom it May Concern
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Our Valued Customer
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Hi Friend
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Greetings Earthling
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send your entire contact list the same email marketing message.
PRO TIP:
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send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)
PRO TIP:
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send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)
BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
PRO TIP:
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don’t waste time worrying about you’re grammar or speling. PRO TIP #2:
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spend time on the
following…
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stuffing as many keywords into your
website as possible.
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buying expensive booths at trade shows.
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sending more direct mail to random people. (about buying your stuff, duh)
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and if you still have extra time…
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go door to door to try and get people to buy your stuff.
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say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product.
PRO TIP:
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say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
PRO TIP:
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say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your company will need to figure it out)
PRO TIP:
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think of yourself as a marketing hero among ordinary men. (or women)
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you know better than your
customers, prospects, and
sales team:
DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
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show how awesome you are that you don’t need to A/B test any of your emails, landing pages, or calls-to-action.
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make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too.
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make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are.
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make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are. always.
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WARNING! DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING:
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1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) DO NOT
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1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing
DO NOT
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1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database
DO NOT
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1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership
DO NOT
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1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership 5. attend educational conferences or seminars
DO NOT
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1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership 5. attend educational conferences or seminars 6. embrace inbound marketing
DO NOT
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IT’S STRONGLY RECOMMENDED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
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1. use lots of marketing jargon DO
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1. use lots of marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements
DO
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1. use lots of marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements 3. raise the volume of your TV commercials
DO
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1. use lots of marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements 3. raise the volume of your TV commercials 4. lots of outbound marketing
DO
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curious to know if your marketing
SUCKS?
(or how awesome it is?)
Yes.
No.
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Yes.
No.
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good.
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get a detailed online marketing report. it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
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MARKETING
.GRADER .COM
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created & written by
RYAN BROWN
BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT
HUBSPOT