detox your team: a low-conflict language for discussin and managing toxic behaviour

A low-conflict language for discussing and managing toxic behavior Detox your team

Ken Power Principal Engineer, Cisco Systems Thursday August 6, 2015

@ken_power

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Why explore toxic behaviors?

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Blaming

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Defensiveness

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Stonewalling

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Contempt

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What is your ‘common’ toxic behavior? What brings it out?

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Antidotes for blame

Are you willing to go on without blaming?

Address the behavior, do not attack the person

Soften the start-up

Find the request behind the criticism

Ventilate to coach

Use “I feel … I want” statements.

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Antidotes for defensiveness

Active listening – use when team are not hearing each other accurately. “Bob, what did you hear Jim say?”

2% rule

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Antidotes for stonewalling

Check for flooding and soothe

Get permission to proxy / speak for team member

Address fears of what will happen

Encourage engagement

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Antidotes for contempt

Are you willing to resolve this without sarcasm?

Ventilate to coach

Check for flooding and soothe

Use “I feel … I want…” statements

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Call to Action: What will you do with your teams?

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Protocol for Dealing with Toxic Behaviors

Research says that teams that have a conflict protocol perform better than teams who don’t.

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•  Think about your ideal team. How would that team handle conflicts and disagreements?

•  What are some behaviors you want to have happen when conflict occurs?

•  What are some things you do not want to happen when conflict occurs?

•  How will you hold one another accountable for these agreements? •  What will you do if someone breaks an agreement?

Conflict Protocol Questions

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•  Educate your teams on their impact •  Call them when you see them; agree to proceed without them

•  Create a conflict protocol with your teams

•  Train your team to deal with toxins, e.g., COIN

Some general antidotes to toxic behaviors

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Increase Positivity During Conflict using COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next)

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•  Context puts the event or behavior in a time frame and setting so that it can be remembered. Where and when did this occur?

•  ︎Observation describes the actions and behavior that were Observation describes the actions and behavior that were witnessed, without evaluation or interpretation of the intent.

•  ︎Impact speaks to the reason for concern. Describe in a neutral way Impact speaks to the reason for concern. Describe in a neutral way the impact on you, other people, the work, the organization.

•  ︎Next – a request for change. Establish agreements and Next – a request for change. Establish agreements and understandings about what will be different in the future.

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•  John Gottman. Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail.

•  John Gottman. The Science Of Trust: Emotional Attunement For Couples.

•  John Gottman. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

•  Virginia Satir. Lots of stuff.

•  CRR Global. Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC). http://crrglobal.com/

•  CRR Global. Increasing Positivity During Conflict using COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next). http://www.crrglobal.com/_downloads/Coin-Conversation.pdf

References

@ken_power

http://www.linkedin.com/in/kenpower

ken.power@gmail.com

http://kenpower.ie/

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