december 1989

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P . O . B o x 2 2 1 1 3 .OFTEN IN ERROR - NEVER IN DOUBT' c A 9 4 1 2 2

December, I Holidays!

GET IT ON THE GOOD BOqK: SCRIPTURAIJ ACCESSIBIIJITYAS A I,IEANS Otr' ELECTR.ONIC SUR.VEILIANCE

How many psalms can you put on the head of anicrochip? Donrt look now, but wetre about to beinvaded by the hottest theological rnerchandisingbreakthrough since Gutenberg reprord the NewTestament . I t rs an army of p in t -s ized Bib lecomputers tiny handheld databanks that will putthe digital word of God at your f ingert ips. packedwith one rnegabyte of King James, this theologicalfirmware puts a lanp unto thy feet, along with fuIIconcordance and ttkey phrasetl searches.Unfortunately, underlying this new era of Biblicalaccessibil i ty is a sinister and disturbingscheme - a massive merchandising effort to trackand record the Bib1e-reading public by means of

irnplanted sensory devices. An international conspiracy (reported to includeThe Rev Sun Moon, Tandy Electronics, and reaL estate interests inside theCatholic Church) is instal l ing electronic homing devices within pocket Biblesto keep tabs on demographics and create interactive communication with thedenominationally disenfranchised. This ginnick, similar todiscovered in low-end digital watches (see ish31, CTox Vobiscum: The Dawn of ChronoTogicaTEavesdroppinq) is part of a two-pronged attack

FF,OM th6 Ed.itorDOUBLE SHOT Dubble Duty, the MarylandLicensing Corporation that reaped rnit l ionsthrough appliance bundling has achievedstaggering sales with its Christmasblockbuster Vac ff' B7o, a combinationdustbuster and hair dryer. According toindustry insiders, Dubble expanded its in-house productanticipation of sales of other Christmas commodities, IIr.shaver and cordless phone), and the B&T Gauge (which can

LCD rreyesn

I iab i l i ty counsel inShavafone (electricread blood pressure

and t i re pressure) .BYE SOrs Hf K-gOrs What a year ! We re leased our f rench language edi t ion,Le Conmuniqu6 A&R, and published our self-help best sel ler, There's NothingWrong With You. Our reports on Biblical Sampling and the NIL (NationalIconographic Licensing) Program tr iggered international media attention. Getready for more dazzling graphics, new features and stimulating contests!

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Sorry f hav'vr* v)ri+on orbeen 'm hurh , brt Ttrehad n T hea I vp my -ast.

l,tichael lacklur/leftalv^a,

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red products as Ham-burger Helper. You know, that stuff Mombuys when she wants to "step on" your

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A}IDERS0N hrty Revue cofi inued, ..Chonnet 11. A *en'[ out'lo'rrtr Afbion -1. hear hec €.on+r ^urirol v\^oron, nrDrilo o 9o\o rhou, ,^,i'lh an ocoot+tc Fe*rin3. A onb {ltlughf abor{ fht- ea,rIh'-4fu* 0 {*, {i'rrcs :o had a beer ,llren dd;+ firnla abou*

'* atlqftaf. A y,a;p"td\. dqmn c.",[r*obte tt1iry up 7 chdrs. A carn, lrore r gruce wr5rn1t1T5 n*:t1 '$ hrs steep + 14',rrr. wo9 one ca,rdle buc.itng+ A coull *r+'lrcl 6ruce hnd ,xen +the fu; rndgr.llrr arh'ds A ful le(* an his bedsileI"ble: ttriabeth u,it1 lol|ork, * Vrd,+{ Yair wi.lt fucon. R *, \rgfy ocleep+ when Aye \,rrg -h t'l[.1.'hi, g Lfi sasina "*hot we rfie qveelior,?i,{.&0.* hd-Ihprr uQq ttoe rur} "#,qil i';

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Christmas Greetings!lot has happened since our last

holiday letter. A was fired from her jobbecause of alcoholism and had to go into aprogram. In July, she opened a CINNABON@franchise downtown with some people fromher detox group. Everybody loves those hotcinnamon rolls.

A&R quit their low impact aerobocise classafter getting liposuction and a computermakeover. A&R also quit Smokenders@.R studied desktop gardening and finished the"Maverick" section of his James Garnerthesis.

R lost a lot of money in a condominiumsyndic ate and a nursing home limitedpartnership. A won a National Enquirer

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Contest ("Largest Spatula Collection") and Rgot interviewed by the Star after giving theHeimlich maneuver to Delta Burke at Stars.

A&R got matching Santa hats and made aNew Years Resolution to recycle their dentalfloss.

A Happy Holidays!

AN(|THERMERRY

OHRISTM

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LOVEtrom

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rrHe Hates Button Pushers'

Dear A&Rs

This a lways happens to me. I rmon an elevator headed to theground floor and somebody getson at a different f loor. Theypress the ground floor buttoneven though i t rs a l ready l i t .Why do they do that? The samething happens on the groundfloor. I push the Up button.Somebody comes along and pushesit again. When the elevatorarrives, do they think thattheyrre responsib le becausethey pushed the button last?I feel l ike screaming. Thatmight scare a lot of people outof button-pushing. Whatrs wrongwi th rne? L. A. Vador , L .A.

Dear I r .A. 3

Therets noth ing wrong wi th you.People who press buttonsunnecessari ly are confused andtroubled individuals. The samepeople usually press the CloseDoor button, unaware that itisntt attached to anythingi t ts just a p lacebo for but tonpushers. In rea l i ty , thesepeople should be using thes ta i rs . For your ownwell-bel-ng, you may want toconsider carrying elevatoretiquette cards which addressthese and s j-milar problems.

t t t ,

Dear A&Rs

When Christmas comes, I love towatch people shop. It turns meon to be in a crorarded store,watching lots of people spendmoney. I even l ike i t whenp e o p l e a r e g r o u c h y .occasionally, I get sad when I

rearize t-hat many@guilty spending money. Is thereany way I can stop my Yuletidepeeping? I feel l ike a pervert.Whatrs wrong with me? Ron B.Borden, Lansing, l t ichigan.

Dear Ron B . :

Therers nothing wrong with you.A lot of people are turned onby watching Christmas shoppers.P s y c h i a t r i s t s c a l l t h i scondit ion Inverse SeasonalEmporius - a longing to seeothers in the consummation ofa mercant i le re la t ionship. I tis believed to str ike hundredsof thousands of consumers, manyof whom are unable to completetheir own shopping. TryIinit ing your trwatchingrr toweekends. Merry Christmas.

t t t t

Dear A&R:

I quit ny job and I sit at homethinking about one thing - I fyou see your whole l i fe in themoment before you die, how doyou know that what yourreseeing right now is your 1ife,and not just the replay beforedeath? Thatrs a l l I th inkabout. Whatts wrong with me?!, lary Merl l , Hopkins Creek, N.D.

Dear Uarys

Therets noth ing wrong wi th you.As we explained the last t imeyou asked this question, i toften helps to concentrate onone question, ds long as i tdoesnr t lead to in jury toyourself or others.

WITATIg WRONG WITH YOU?

If you f eel l ike something's --wrong with you, write to TheA&R Repor t , P . O . Box 22LL3 |Sunse t S ta t i on , S .F . CA 94L22 .