dealing with difficult people

Dealing With Difficult People

When your buttons get pushed…

Want him on your staff?

Can You Honestly Say…• I feel great going to work everyday.• I am satisfied with my pay and my pay increases.• I enjoy working with all my co-workers…oh yes… my supervisors

too.• I get treated fairly everyday by everyone.• I have a very fair workload at all times.• I am always kept informed by my supervisors.• I go home everyday to a very happy personal life.

Initial Premise

• Dealing with difficult people can be a very unpleasant experience.

What Makes an Individual “Difficult”?• Their “attitude”?• Their “behavior”?• Their “actions”?• A combination of all three?

Here’s a New Idea…

• Everybody is SOMEBODY’S difficult person - even you!

Four Choices With Difficult People

• Stay and do nothing – Suffer and complain

• Leave – Some situations aren’t solvable and some just aren’t worth it

• Change your attitude – They continue to be difficult, but you stop suffering around them

• Change your behavior – Forces them to change to deal with you

People’s 4 Basic Motivations

1. To get things done

2. To get things right

3. To get along

4. To be appreciated

Passive Aggressive

Recognizing Our Behavior

• Behaviors fall into continuums – a line between two opposites

• Where do you fit ?

Task Oriented

People Oriented

Recognizing Our Orientation (Motivation)

• Where do you fit ?

Task Oriented

Aggressive

People Oriented

Passive

Recognizing Ourselves

• In which quadrant do you find yourself?• Does it ever change with the situation?

The Analyzer

The Relater

The Ruler

The Entertainer

Task Oriented

People Oriented

AggressIve

Passive

Recognizing Ourselves and Others

• People fit, more or less, into quadrants

• Our quadrants change constantly

Relating To People

• We need to recognize which quadrant(s) is/are our difficult person/people, and which quadrant are we currently in?

Why Do People Resist New Ideas?

• People resist change in general.• Maybe they’re in a bad mood.• Maybe they’re having a bad day.• People resist an invasion of their territory.

– Personal space or sphere of influence.

• Resistance due to negativism.– Some would complain if they won the lottery and were paid in old bills…

• Resistance due to fear.– Of the unknown; of others’ opinions; of failure…

• Resistance due to perceived roles and responsibilities.

How May We Best React To Resistance?

• Remain pleasant and calm.• Acknowledge other’s resistance.• Don’t escalate the situation.• Don’t force the defensive.• Don’t find fault.• Look for “positives” (PMA)• Be patient.

Dealing With People

• People’s natural reaction to force is resistance– If you push someone, they’ll push back

Dealing With People

• The natural reaction to an invitation is acceptance– Ask, don’t tell– Be pleasant– Smile– Be courteous and respectful

• Say “Please” and “Thank-you”• Respect that everyone is busy – don’t ask someone to do

something for you just because you don’t want to do it

Understanding People• People become defensive when they feel threatened.• People will go to extreme lengths to justify their behavior.• If you “back someone into a corner”, they will react.• People will try to shift the blame to others.• People will go to great lengths to make themselves right.• People want to win.

Dealing With People - Positively

• Use the word “and” instead of “but” – “but” is judgmental and negates whatever came before it; “and” is neutral, what follows is just another piece of information:

– I value your opinion, but my opinion is…• So, I don’t value your opinion; mine is better.

– I value your opinion, and my opinion is…• Here’s another piece of information to look at.

• Talk about something else.– If a topic “sets him off”, don’t talk about it – you just can’t talk politics with some

people.

• Compliment something.– Find something positive to say. It may often be difficult, and it can be done.

Communicating• Listening is half of a conversation.• Listen to what people say, not what you think they are going to say, or

what you want them to say.• Really listen, don’t just politely wait until they finish so you can talk –

don’t think about what you’re going to say while they’re talking.• Focus on them – you are not the center of the universe – the world

does not revolve around you.• Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes – look for both

sides of an issue.– If you can’t make a case for both sides, you don’t understand the issue.

Minimize Difficult Encounters• Take an interest in other people; find out what is important to them.

– Hobbies, outside interests, etc.

• Smiling uses 14 facial muscles; frowning uses 72.• Listen with empathy.• Consider others’ feelings before you speak – think before you open your

mouth.• Use the conversation to make others feel important.• Have conversations and discussions, not arguments.

– You may have to agree to disagree

• Get over it!

Focus On Here and Now

• Don’t bring past disagreements into the current situation.• Don’t anticipate difficulties.

– Yesterday is a cancelled check.

– Tomorrow is an IOU.

– Focus on today – here and now. Address the situation at hand.

Look In The Mirror

• Are you the kind of person you would want to associate with?

• Is your behavior provoking the situation?

Don’t Play The Blame Game

• It doesn’t matter whose fault it is.• Look for solutions to the problem.• Fault finding won’t solve the problem.• Fix the process, not the person.

– Firing someone for a mistake doesn’t mean the problem won’t happen again – fix the system

• When you point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you.

4 Choices

• Put up with it.• Try to change the other person.• Terminate the relationship.• Change your behavior or attitude.

Some People Will Never Change

• Slow down, take a deep breath and identify:– The problem.– Possible solutions.– How do I cope?

• Make progress – small steps.• Evaluate the situation.• Celebrate small victories.

People• There are people in the world who are fun to be around – they make you

feel good, they make you a better person just for knowing them.• There are “poison people” in the world too. Everything is gloom and doom.

They suck the life force from you. It wears you out to be around them. Some people may never change - don’t be poisoned by them when you must deal with them.

• Find the positive people and avoid the poison people as much as possible. • Which one are you?

Overcoming Feelings Caused by Difficult People

• “He/she makes me so angry”!• Anger and frustration come from having no control of a situation.

– Traffic jams, weather, politics, other people’s behavior…

• Accept that you have no control over others’ behavior.• The only thing you can control is your own behavior and your

reaction to others’ behaviors.

React Appropriately• Remember: this too shall pass.• Don’t be self-destructive by overreacting.• Don’t blame yourself or others.• Stay in control of yourself.• Avoid stress-causers.• Laugh at yourself.• If you still can’t cope, get help.

Bring Out The Best In Others

1. Don’t complain, condemn, or criticize.

2. Work at being sincere.

3. Give credit where credit is due.

Dealing With Difficult People

Are there any questions?

Quiz

1. T / F Everybody is somebody’s difficult person.2. T / F Confrontation is the only way to deal with difficult people.3. T / F You can control any situation if you try hard enough.4. T/F Fix the process, not the people.5. T/F Recognizing our own motivations will help us relate to others.

Quiz6. T/F Things are always black & white, right or wrong – there are no

shades of gray.7. T/F Sometimes, walking away from a situation is the best solution.8. T/F We all have to find our own coping strategies.9. T/F Assigning blame is the first step in solving a problem.10. T/F Before we try to fix other people, we should look closely at

ourselves.

Answers

1. T Everybody is somebody’s difficult person.

2. F Confrontation is the only way to deal with difficult people.

3. F You can control any situation if you try hard enough.

4. T Fix the process, not the people.

5. T Recognizing our own motivations will help us relate to others.

Answers6. F Things are always black & white, right or wrong – there are no

shades of gray.7. T Sometimes, walking away from a situation is the best solution.8. T We all have to find our own coping strategies.9. F Assigning blame is the first step in solving a problem.10. T Before we try to fix other people, we should look closely at

ourselves.

Dealing With Difficult People

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