all at nothing, [prose]
TRANSCRIPT
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
1/174
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
2/174
Wjrt Nhb < Ucb Onhtrjpuhtjf _ystbk
WYNFNARB < M enht uhebrstjhe wcy M `bbf tcms wjy. M cjvb stjrtbe tn
onhvbrsb wmtc kysbf` vnojffy jinut qubstmnhs tcjt sbbk tn trnuifb kb.
Kjhy hmacts jan M eme jhe cjvb jajmh jhe jajmh stmrrmha kysbf` `rnksfbbp wmtc tcb snuhe n` ky nwh vnmob. Wbrcjps mt ms tcb eruas. M en hnt
dhnw.
Eruas . . . en orjzy tcmhas mh ynur cbje. Iut `nr tcb `mrst tmkb mh j
fnha tmkb M cjvb `bft bhtcrjffbe mh wrmtmha scmt enwh jhe kjyib
snkbtmkbs wmtc tcb scmt n` fm`b. Ojh M dbbp wrmtmha> Ourmnus. M ibfmbvb
M ojh. M cjvb kuoc tn sjy, M aubss4 M cjvb kuoc M wmff onhtmhub tn
emsonvbr, M aubss, kuoc M wmff hbvbr. _bf`-rbfmjhob. Bkbrsnh. Cbs j
skjrt ocuod. Ojh M bxprbss kysbf` wmtcnut pnsturmha> M wmsc tn puff
tcms arjvbf tcrnuac j smbvb. Mebjs jrb sn kuoc `mhb eust tcjt M kust
scjpb mhtn j cmff. M` M jk fuody M ojh kjdb tcb cmff. M` M jk fuodmbr M
ojh ofmki up mt. Ucb zbhmtc ms mkpnssmifb tn rbjoc. M hbbe tn ib fbss
jhxmnus. M` M wbrb fbss jhxmnus M onufe tcmhd ofbjrbr. Qcbh M wjs
wmtc cbrM emeht wrmtb kuoc. Nr eme M> Fbss tcjh M eme ky snpcnknrb
ybjr. Luhmnr ybjr wjs dmhe n` j iust. Jcbk. M` nhb prjotmobs jt
snkbtcmha `nr fnha bhnuac, cb nr scb wmff `mhe tcjt tcmhas ibamh tn
syho up. Jcbk jcbk. J anne `rmbhe n` kmhb rbkjrdbe nhob ib`nrb tcjt ynu
kust ib nhb stbp jcbje n` ynursbf` jt jff tmkbs, `nromha ynursbf` tn
dbbp anmha bvbh m` ynurb hnt surb jhytcmha wmff onkb n` mt. Mt sbbks
fmdb tcjt ms tcb ojsb, rbajremha ky nwh rbfjtmnhscmp wmtc wrmtmha. M` M
en hnt intcbr tn kjdb snkb sbhsb n` mt jff, cnwbvbr, jhe wrmtb purbfy
nh jh uhonhsomnus fbvbf, jcbk, tcb pmbob fnsbs ebptc. Mh wrmtmha, mt ms
kbrbfy j kjttbr n` kjdmha sn kjhy kmstjdbs, tcjt ynu ruh nut n`
kmstjdbs tn kjdb. Mh tcb bhe, tcb uhonhsomnus fbvbf wmff hnt ib
uhonhsomnus jt jff, iut wcnffy ebfmibrjtb, jhe jff tcb knrb mhtrmojtb,
ibojusb ynu jrb outtmha nut hnrkjf tcmhas tcjt wnufe cjvb emstrjotbe
ynu cje ynu ibbh `uffy onhsomnus . . . sn, jhywjys fmdb M wjs sjymha
mk hnt surb wcbh bxjotfy m wbht tn sfbbp nr wndb up. bmtcbr wjy, m `mhe
kysbf` wmtc j afjss n` wjtbr mh ky cjhe, anmha ijod tn ky rnnk. m smt
mhemjh styfb nh ky ibe, bxpbrmbhob j irmb` `bbfmha n` jkimvjfbhob, jhe
fmact j omajrbttb.
m snnh tcnuact tcjt tcms mhstjhob wjs hnt pnbtmo jt jff4 wjs hnt nhfy
onkknhpfjob, iut onkknhpfjob mh tcb knst abhbrjf wjy, sn js tn kjdb mt
sbbk jfmbhjtmha, jhe, rbjffy, fbss ojptmvjtmha, mh cnw pfjmh mt ms, cnw
jrtfbssfy `rjakbhtbe. mh tcms wjy nhfy ms mt uhmqub.
eub tn tcb pbrobptujf emstjhob, js rbajres ky `nrabttmha wcbh tcb ejy
stjrtbe, m jk tcus jifb tn sbb knrb prn`uhemty iy tcb nisbrvjtmnh n`
tcms, js j `rjakbht n` fm`b, pbrcjps knrb jrt`uf cbrb, hnt quntmemjh
iut mh tcb omroukstjhob quntmemjh, jhe knrb jfmbhjtmha tcjh jhytcmha
bfsb ibojusb n` tcb fjodmha onhtbxt, js tn wcbh m rbajmhbe
onhsomnushbss, jhe rmfbe `rnk sfukibr jajmh `nuhe kysbf` enmha wcjt m
kmact en bvbryejy, wmtcnut dhnwmha `rnk wcbhob tcb pjtc ibajh.
J c b k Ucb tcmha-mh-mtsbf`>
Un sjy tcbrb ms hn suoc tcmha js emsonvbry wnufe ib tn jppfy j fbboc
tnn kjhy, sn M fbjvb tcb kjttbr uh`mhmscbe, jhe jraub `nr tcb fjod n`
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
5/174
systbks< tcb ofnsbst tcmha tn wcjt ebjtc ms tcjt ky pbrspbotmvb ojh
kustbr, ibojusb, smkpfy put, iy mts fjodmha jhe smkuftjhbnus
mhbvmtjimfmty, wb kmact kjdb, ib jifb tn kjdb, mts kbtjpcnr nut n`
`utmfmty jhe jisuremty mh tcms fm`b. Iut wb wmff hbvbr dhnw wcjt ms
nivmnus jinut mt< tcjt mt cjppbhs, jhe fbjvbs us ifjhd, jhe, knst
mkpnrtjhtfy,
kjdbs us tcmhd.
J c b k Fuewma Qmttabhstbmh jraubs, knrb tcjh
fmdbfy hn. sbkjhtmojffy tcjt ms. pcysmojffy ybs, pbrcjps, iut mt ms
stmff enuit`uf. bxmstbhob prbobebs bssbhob ms tcb bxmstbhtmjf kjhtrj.sn tcbh nhb kust fnnd (jhe pbrcjps bvbh tcms ms prnifbkjtmo) jt wcbrb
bxmstbhob ibamhs, trufy ibamhs, mh tcb prbsbht knkbht, smhob tcjt ms
j`tbr jff wcbrb tcb tcmhdbr stjrts `rnk4 jhe hnt `rnk wcbrb tcb bssbhob
ms fjmh MH tcb uhnisbrvjifb bxmstbhob, tcjt ms, wcjt M_ n` tcb tcmha
j`tbr nisbrvjtmnh n` mt cjs pjssbe tn jhntcbr nilbot n` `nous. m `bbf
jh bssbhob js suoc tn ib knst irbjdjifb< prmstmhb js j ocmhjenff,
knstfy eub tn jh js `fbbtmha ibfmb`, js tn j onhorbtb hjturb tcjt ms jt
ibst jppjrbht.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
7/174
trub bssbhob mhvnfvbs jh nilbotmvb, nutsmebr sonpb. tn sbb tcb tcmha
jhe, ebfmhbjtmha ibtwbbh wcjt mt ms nh mts nwh jhe wcjt mt ms nhob
nisbrvbems j pcmfnsnpcmojf hjturb jhe j vmrtub. tn sbb tcb tcmha, tcjt
ms tn sjy, mh tcb prbsbht knkbht, js pbrcjps rbtjmhmha bxmstbhob ib`nrb
bvbh tcb bxmstbhob n` irjmhs tn pmoturb mt, irjmhs, wcmoc lustm`y iy
tcbmr usb jhywjy, mh UCMHDMHA. jhe ybt, tcb arbjt cukmfmty n` Cbmebaabr
ms tcjt, cb cjs hnt tcnuact jt jff, wb cjvbht, hnt ybt jt fbjst.
jhe wcbh m sjy, wcbrb bxmstbhob ibamhs" m enht kbjh, tcb `mrst tcmha
tcjt bvbr wjs nh tcb pfjhbt, iut tcb `mrst tcmha tcjt wjs trufy rbjf,
bxmstmha js mtsbf`, `nr mtsbf`, jhe `nr hntcmha bfsb. tcb bvbr-pnpufjr
tcmha-mh-mtsbf`.
j vnme, mh ntcbr wnres. j vnme mh fnamo n` onursb iut mh tcms wjy j
sykinfmsk `nr wcjt ms tnn vjsty j onhobpt tn `uffy wrjhafb iut mh imts,
nvbr tmkb4 jhe pbrcjps jh jptmtueb n` fjhaujab, tcb wbff-usbe
stjtbkbht. tcjt ms cnw nhb lustm`mbs tcb rbjfmty n` tcb fm`b mh tcbmr
irjmhs. js tn tcms jistrjot pnmht nr tcmha-mh-mtsbf`, tcb smhaufjrmty,
tcb ebftj4 mt ms mh ky vmbw nutsmeb n` bxmstbhob-js-wb-dhnw jhe ybt
mhtrmhsmojffy j pjrt n` wcjt wb dhnw tcus, wcmoc orbjtbs jh nhtmojf
bssbhob n` snkbtcmha kbrbfy nisbrvbe sjhs bxpfjmhmha. bvbh m` mt msnhfy tcbrb rbfjtmnhjffy.
snkbwcjt smkmfjr tn tcb wjy j cnfb ms eb`mhbe iy tcb bjrtc surrnuhemha
mt.
wcbtcbr j irjmh ms j vjsb nr j cjhe jh ukirbffj ms mrrbfbvjht ibojusb
mt enbs hnt sbjroc `nr wcy tcb cjhe ms j cjhe nr tcb ukirbffj jh
ukirbffj `mrst, iut qubstmnhs rbjfmty JU FJYAB `mrst, wcmoc ms
`nnfcjrey.
js m cjvb sjme ib`nrb, kuttbrmha tn kysbf` mh tcb ejrd ijod wcbhob. nhb
ojh fbje nhb tn jh nilbotmvb rbjsnh `nr jh suilbotmvb Jisnfutb nr jh
suilbotmvb rbjsnh `nr jh nilbotmvb Jisnfutb, iut mh hn wjy ojh ynu an
n`` jh nilbotmvb fmhb n` rbjsnhmha tn pursub jh nilbotmvb Jisnfutb,
wcmoc ms tcb sjkb js suppfjhtmha nilbotmvb wmtc suilbotmvb mh tcb
rbfjtmnhjf ojsb m usb (jhe sbkjhtmojffy nhb tcjt Qmttabhstbmh
smkuftjhbnusfy jicnrs jhe ms ocjmhbe tn) jhe fbhes tn hjuact iut ocjns.
tcb tcmha nisbrvbe js hbbemha tn ib nisbrvbe sn js tn amvb mt rbjfmty
ms MH YBJFMU], m `bbf, hnt j tcmha `rnk wcmoc jh nisbrvjtmnh `rnk mt
hbbe ib spruha4 iut, js snkbtcmha nhtmojffy hnt eb`mhjifb, js ojusj
sum, wbff, suoc j tcmha ms ocjhabe rbajremha mts hjturb, nhob amvbh
wnres tn bkiney snkbtcmha fmdb mt. tcb wbff-usbe stjtbkbht. iut tcms ms
snkbtcmha emjkbtrmojffy nppnsbe, wb `mhe< js fmdb j ebsormptmnh n` j
psyocnfnay enbs hnt kjdb j pcysmojf kjss n` wnres j irjmh, tcnuac tcb
bxmstbhob ms tcbrbwbffsn enbs tcb bxmstbhob n` M hnt hbobssjrmfy,
sbkjhtmojffy, kjdb R_ iut mhstbje jh nhtnfnay. mt ms hnhbtcbfbss j
pcbhnkbhnh n` onhsomnushbss, nhb tcjt fbhes tn snkbtcmha mhemvmeujf jhenppnsbe, j uhmqumty jknhast ntcbr uhmqumtmbs, iut tcb sjkb vnme. sn hn,
j irjmh ms hnt mh nur cbje, m` wb onhsmebr jff tcmhas js nhb mh`mhmtb
wcnfb, nr, rjtcbr, jh mh`mhmtb nilbot, rbjfmty JU FJYAB tcb ruha-tn-ib.
snkbtcmha tcjt bxmsts js kuoc js j ifub vjsb nh j tjifb, ybt wmtcnut j
ebarjejtmnh prnobss tcjt ms tn kb j knst cukjh bssbhob, rbjffy. tcb
bhemha n` tcmhas ms jh nhtmojf vjfub, knrtjfmty, tbkpnrjfmty prnijify
tcb nhfy vjfub tcjt rb`usbs wnres `nr mt, ms hbvbr b``botbe iy
nisbrvjtmnh. m tcmhd mt j ojffmha-ojre `nr snkb nisourbe arbjthbss tcjt
nhob wjs jhe ms hnw hn knrb, suoc js, wbff, Ane. M` Ane ms j vnme, js M
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
8/174
sjy, jhe m` mt surbfy ms jh Jisnfutb snrt n` tcmha wb spbjd n`, tcbh j
ebstruotmnh n` hntcmhahbss tcbrbn` cje tn cjvb ibbh tcb nhfy wjy `nr
tcmhas tn ib. sn tcbh tcbrb ms hn fnhabr j pnfjrmty n`
hntcmha/bvbrytcmha, wb kbrbfy fmvb js kbtjpcnrmojf irjmhobffs n` tcjt
scjttbrbe vjsb.
knrbnvbr, m jarbb wmtc Kjrtmh Cbmebaabr. wb js j spbombs cjvb hnt jhe
wmff hnt cjvb cje nhb tcnuact, wmtcnut tcb wmff tn sjy mt onufe ib
knrb, wcmoc `rnk jh bvnfutmnhjry-psyocnfnay pbrspbotmvb ms fuemornus,
js wb kust ijsb nur kmhes nh snkbtcmha, jhytcmha, mh nrebr tn knvb
`nrwjre. wb amvb mh tn tcb mebj tcjt snkbtcmha ms wcjt mt ms, wcbh wmtc
tcb pjssjab n` bhnuac tmkb wcjtbvbr wb tcnuact wb dhbw mhbvmtjify wmff
ib kutbe uhebr snkb ntcbr inkijstmo, uttbrfy scjffnw stjtbkbht js ynu
sjy. sn tcbh mt ibonkbs jh nvbrwcbfkmha rbvjfujtmnh n` wcjt tcb kmhe
ms, tn ebofjmk wb cjvb hnt tcnuact." _n tcbh, wb cjvb rbkjmhbe mh nur
pfjob, jhe tcb `jrtcbst ruha bvbr `jrtcbr.
HNUJ< M fbjvb tcnsb wcn jrb rbfmamnus tn an jinut mh tcbmr ibfmb`s.
Wbrcjps mt ms js kuoc j sbourmty js pbrsnhjf vbhebttj emsaumsbe js
rbfmamnus wjr4 pbrcjps mt ms js wbff-tn-en j ebsormptmnh `nr tcb
uhdhnwh js kmact sumt tcnsb wmtcnut tcb wmff tn `mhe nut knrb4 pbrcjpskbrbfy mh j stnmojf sbhsb, ibfmbvmha vbcbkbhtfy `nrbvbr, cjvmha
rbfmamnus `jmtc tcrnuacnut fm`b, ms j wmsenk mh mtsbf`. M` tcb `nnf
wbrb tn pbrsmst mh cms `nffy cb wnufe ibonkb wmsb, js Qmffmjk Ifjdb
sjmtc.
Iut wcjt n` `jmtc mh jhntcbr cukjh ibmha. Cjvmha `jmtc, tcby wmff
suoobbe. Jhe wcjt n` ibfmbvmha tcjt wb cjvb j snuf. Ucjt bvbrynhb cjs
nhb, tcb qujhejry n` tcb snuf ejtbs ijod tn ib`nrb Ocrmstmjhmty j`tbr
jff.
Ucbrb ms knrb hujhob tn `jmtc tcjh ms rbjemfy pbrobmvbe, jhe hujhob
j`tbr jff ms j vmrtub n` mhtbffbot. M cjvb `jmtc tcbrb ms snkbtcmha n`
mh`mhmty mh bvbry pbrsnh, ybt tcbrb ms mhebbe hn wjy tn prnvb tcms. _n
M `jmtc`uffy onhobeb, tcbrb jrb tcmhas wb ojhhnt bvmebhob.
Iy tcb wjy, M cjvb hn ebhnkmhjtmnh, jk hnt n` j socnnf n` tcnuact hnr
rbfmamnh. M bhlny wcjt tcbnrmbs M bhlny ijsbe upnh j kytcnfnay n`
mhvbhtmnh tcjt ms `nr hn sjdb iut `nr cjrhbssmha tcjt pbrsnhjab n`
rbjfmty mh kysbf`, sn eukify bxomsbe tn sumt rbfmamnhs bxpfjmhmha
hntcmha knrb, j `fjthbss. ANE ms `nr hn hjkb, hn suilbot iut tcb bkpty,
wcjtbvbr tcjt bhtjmfs, M `bbf4 jhe tcms ms hnt tn sjy tcjt ANE ms jh
uafy vnme iut j ibjutm`uf nhb. Mt ms tcb vnme ky snuf `mffs, tcjt M ojh
cjvb `jmtc mh tcb ibjuty n` hntcmhahbss, jhe pbrcjps tcms ms hmcmfmsk
mh mts knst bjrhbst sbhsb. Ibfmbvb mh hntcmha, bkirjob jff, nr jt tcb
fbjst, irbjoc snkbtcmha.[
#5 M bxmst wmtcmh j QNYFE n` `rjmftytcb wcmtb scbffs wbrb `rjmf jsifub imres ofbhocbe tnn cjre mh tcb `mst. Intc n` ky `bbt sfmppbe mh tn
ybffnw, pjtcbtmo kbkirjhbs
sojttbrbe fmdb nrhjkbhts nh tcb mkjabfbss arnuhe, jhe bjoc scbff
`rjoturbe fmdb j sorbjk nut mh-
tn tcb ebvbfnpmha wmfebrhbss n` scbffs, tcms QNYFE n` scbffs jhe
`rjmfty, tcms oryptmo, tmkbfbss spjob n` jinrtbe bkiryns jhe, rmhamha
nut nvbr mt jff, tcb emsaustmha, mkknrtjf oruhoc n` fbjvbs
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
9/174
TCbmebaabrs styfmstmo bhtbrprmsb mh Ibmha jhe Umkb npbhs nhb tn
qubstmnh tcb em``brbhtmjtmnh ibtwbbh jh jotujf nhtnfnamojf eb`mhmtmnh
jhe bxmstbhtmjf jhjfytmo. Js kbtjpcnr mt wnrds4 nhtmojffy, tcb
swbrvmha-jwjy `rnk tcb trufy bxpfmojtmvb jhjfnay jhe tnwjres tcb hbw
pnmht ms tcnuac cjrrnwmha jhe jh jpt kbtjpcnr `nr tcb rbeuhejhoy n`
tmkb, j fbss tcjh jpt onhomfmjtmnh `nr wcjt ms ibmha-mh-mtsbf`. Ucb
jhjfnay, cms cjkkbr tn irbjd tcb stnhb, tcbh, ms prneuotmvb js jh
bxmstbhtmjf mhenotrmhjtmha n` j prmkjf vjfub tn pbrpbtumty iut ms
uftmkjtbfy j `nrbanhb ofubfbsshbss js tn jhy snrt n` `mhjf sjy tn tcms.
]bs, Ucb Wcbhnkbhnfnay rbkjmhs jh uh`mhmscbe tcmha, wcmoc M suppnsb wjs
cms arbjt emsonvbry. Mkjamhjtmvb Kytc js j psyocnfnamojf irbjd-enwh cjs
mts rnnts mh tcb kmhe, wcmoc, tnn, rbkjmhbtc jh uimqumtnus mh`mhmty n`
wcjt ms tn ib rbajmhbe, hnt ajmhbe `nr knrb. Ucms mh mtsbf` wnufe ib
`nr tcb sjdb n` j hbw qujfmty tn fm`b, kjh-kjebfm`b, j tcmha knst
uhocjhamha ebspmtb nur ibst b``nrts. _n tcbh wb jrb jff mh tcb shjrb n`
nur cbjes, jhe wcjt ms uhocjhamha ms bxjotfy wcjt ms tcb ojusb, mh nur
kmhes, n` wcjt ms kmssmha.[
#0 Mt ms tcbrb ib`nrb hmact rbjfmzbe. Ucnuact js wbff wmtcmh js
ntcbrs nut. Ejy wbjdbhbe `mrst mh tcb uhonhsomnus. Jhe tcb imtb n` tcbocjsk hmact, tcbrb, ejrdbhmha mh inwbfs. Ucb emurhjf rbfjpsb n` tcnsb
wcn an mhtn j `jtmaub cbmactbhbe tcb knrb iy snkb jrimtrjry spcbrb n`
`mrb
tcjt tcbh pbrmscbe, fmdb bvbrytcmha bfsb tn ib mh tcb fm`b n` j wnuhe,
nhob pmbrobe, nhob `bstbrbe, nhob sojiibe nvbr tcb sdy js j kmrrnr fb`t
mh tcb ofnsbt, tn rb`fbot jiyss, spcbrb arnwh jhombht jhe tmrbe mh
`jffmha nvbr mtsbf`, trmppmha nvbr mtsbf` fmdb j kjssmvb jhe hbobssjry
dfutz.
Ucnuact js wbff wmtcmh js ntcbrs sn tcbh nut anbs tcb imtb n` tcb ocjsk
mh hmact. Ejrdbhmha tcb inwbfs tcb emurhjf rbfjpsb mhtn `jtmaub n` tcb
pbnpfb. _nkb jrimtrjry spcbrb n` `mrb tcjt tcbh pbrmscbe, tcbh rbturhbe
tn fm`b mh `nrk, js j arm``mh, fmdb, jhe
mh tcb ijtty onskns n` rjmh, j euki prnspbot n` cnpb pbbps nut `rnk
suitbrrjhbjh iurrnwmha fmdb j cjmrfbss jhmkjf jhe mh tcb cbjes n` bjoc
j ourmnus jhe ebfmojtb jistrjotmnh, tcjt pbbps< mt
wjs tcbrb ib`nrb hmact rbjfmzbe, prbompmtjtmnh ojkb jirupt jhe sprbje
mts ejhd wbjftc nvbr tcb sobhb, ybt jhe mt
kbrbfy wjsjs tcnuac cjvmha jfwjys ibbh, j tmkbfbss qujfmty. @nuhe, mh
kytc hueamha ijodwjres mh bnhs `rnk mts mhobptmnh. Rsurpbe tntbks n`
ibfmb` fb`t tn stjod kbjhmhafbssfy mh ky ofnsbt, `job j`tbr `job n`
stnhb menfs, ifjhd menfs. Amvmha rmsb tn tcb ifnne n` cjrfnts, amvmha
tcb sobhb tn j QNYFE n` ifbjr sfnwfy, jfknst
tbrkmhjf jhe ibonkb tcb wbjdbhbe ejy mh tcb `rbodfbe kust. Un uh`nfe
ourmnus jistrjotmnhs tcjt ib`nrb wbrb sbbh, cje ibbh mh us. Ucb
onhtbhtmnhs n` KJH `nuhe intc ibtwbbh tcbksbfvbs, KJH
tn KJH. Jhe rjamha smfbhtfy jhe jfsn `nrbvbr wmtcmh tcb qujrrbf tcjt
ebtnhjtbs fmdb j `bbfmha inkinhb qujrrbf mh pjrtmoufjr scnufe tmodfb
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
10/174
nur rbspbot mhtn snkbtcmha tcjt scnufe ib nisbrvbe< ibtwbbh j kjh jhe
jhntcbr kjh,
nhb n` tcb kbh, mt ms hnt dhnwh wcmoc, prbsbhtfy ebsmrbs tn urmhjtb,
suoc j hbbe ojusbs j ofbhocmha n` spbboc jt tcb beabs n` sbhtbhobs, js
n` nhb jt tcb beab n` j ofm`` wcn sueebhfy
`jtcnks tcb `jtcnks
Ttcb bvbryejyhbss n` onkkuhmojtmnh ojh em``br pbrsnh tn pbrsnh. wcjt ms
j quntmemjh mebj nr `nrk n` onkkuhmojtmha ojh tn ntcbrs sbbk cbjvmbr.
mts sfmactfy cuknrnus js wbff, mh tcb onhtbxt n` cnw orjzy m wjs n``
tcnsb lbsus tjis. kusmo ms fmdb, onhtnurs, rcytcks, j ejhob. mt wnufe
ib tcb rbjembr emvbrsmnh `nr kb tn put wnres nh j pjab tcjh amvb
kbjhmhas `nr tcb jmr m irbjtcb mh jeerbssmha jh uhonhsomnus
jtknspcbrb." m wjs tjfdmha tn tcb wjffs n` tcb jpjrtkbht, jfnhb,
uttbrfy kje. cbrb mt ms. m tcmhd ynue abt wcjt m wjs anmha `nr,
rbajremha tcb vbmf n` onkkuhmojtmnh jhe prjotmojf kmhe-rbjemha. m
dhnw knrb tcjh ynu tcmhd jinut tcjt. mts ibbh j pfjaub. iut mt ojh jfsn
ib j prbomnus am`t. jhe sn wb an ejy iy ejy iy tcb fmobhsb n` nur nwh
mkjamhjtmnh tn sumt tcb pbr`bot knkbht, jhe tcb knkbht mtsbf`, hnkjttbr, iut j lndb `nr tcb onskns tn nisbrvb, jhe wb tcb puppbts n` nur
nwh `ury, mh tcmhdmha mt jff wrnha. nhob wb ebtjoc `rnk tcb hbbe tn
pbr`botfy bxpfjmh, wb fnsb j fjybr n` sbf`-onhsomnushbss, jhe tcb wnrfe
jrnuhe us ibonkbs hnt sn hbbe`uf, jhe tcb pbr`botmnh onkbs jhe anbs
tcrnuacnut, us hbvbr dhnwmha, pbrcjps tcb nisbrvbr dhnwmha. jhe wb
suffy tcb lndb n` fm`b, nhob wb jrb jwjrb, nhob wb nisbrvb nursbfvbs,
jhe `mhe snkbtcmha sn sbrmnus mh nur `nrabttmha tn `nrabt.[
#3 Qcjtbvbr orbjtnr `bbfs ms pjmh. Mt ms utknst pjmh. Mt `bbf pjmh
`nr wcnfb QNYFE. Mt kjdb mtsbf` imaabr tcjh ms. Iut ms arbjt! Ms ibst
tcmha bvbr. Ms, j`tbr jff, kjeb kb fmdb kysbf`. Iut ms snkbtmkb ms tnn
sojry. tcjt wcy me qumbt enwh snkbtmkb. Ibojusb Enwh ms dmhe n` ima jhe
dmhe n` skjff. Iut enwh jfsn onh`usmnh> Kb enht dhnw, iut wcbh ynu
spbjd tcjt wjy mt ms snkbwcjt erjkjtmo. Qbff, M enht onh. M tcmhd mts
ibjutm`uf. Iut mt ojht rbspnhe. Untjffy. N` onursb, iut tcbh ynu `bbf
`bjr. Jhe tcbh tcmhas abt onh`usmha. Iut tcmhas jrb tcb ibst pbnpfb!
Jhe tcjt ms tcb wcnfb pnmht, tcjt cukjhs jrb hnt tcmhas. M jk j tcmha.
Jhe M kjdb ynu emsjppbjr. Iut ynu jhe M ojh ib tnabtcbr, ibojusb M kjdb
ynu skmfb. Qcy wnufe M wjht tn en tcjt. Ibojusb ynu rbkmhe kb n` ky
`jtcbr. Mh j cukjh wjy. _nkbtmkbs cnt, snkbtmkbs onfe. Iut. Ucjt hnt
mt. Mt ms hnt j tcmha. Jhe cb scnufe stnp ibmha trbjtbe fmdb j tcmha sn
cb enbsht abt jhary. Iut M onufe hbvbr en tcjt, ibojusb Mvb ibbh tn
cbff jhe ijod, jhe jt fbjst mh tcjt wjy M ojh dhnw tcb knst cukjh pjmh
bvbr, js fnha js M, js Ejh EbKjrsb, dhnw cnt jhe onfe
TM tcmhd Ibodbtt prnvmebe j stnry (nr stjab m` ynu fmdb) `nr tcb jisure
wcbrb Dmbrdbajjre wjs jh bxprbssmnh n` mts onhtrjry hjturb4 jkbjhebrmha, `urmnus ybt onkprbcbhsmvb sorutmhy n` tcb sbf` onhtrj wcjt
onkknhfy mkimibe hbjthbss n` bhfmactbhkbht enotrmhbs jt tcb tmkb, jhe
wcmoc jttbkptbe tn bxpfjmh sbf`cnne mh j vbry em``brbht wjy< tcjt ms,
hbjtfy, js m` tcb sbf` wbrb kjeb n` prmhompfbs.
Ibodbtt wjs emsqumbt bxprbssbe vmj tcb pbrpbtujf inufebr-up-tcb-cmff
wcbrb Dmbrdbajjre wjs tcb pcmfnsnpcy n` tcb jisure, jh bxprbssmnh n`
tcb jisuremty n` cms nwh psyocb tcjt jknuhts tn j onh`bssmnh, iut hn
snrt n` strjhab stnry n` tcb bstrjhabe. Ibodbtt ajvb jisuremty tcb
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
11/174
sykinf, Dmbrdbajjre QJ_ tcb jisure, sjhs pnbtry4 tcnuac mhebbe cms
prnsb ms hbjrfy tcjt. Dmbrdbajjre fjkbhts tcb onhtrjry hjturb n`
onk`nrt jhe sbf`-joobptjhob, tcjt tcbrb jrb rufbs jhe tcmhas tcjt
prbompmtjtb intc n` tcbsb, jhe wcmoc wb ojhhnt dhnw. M` mt ms sn tcjt
wb kust en suoc jhe suoc `nr nursbfvbs tn joobpt nursbfvbs, tcb
jisuremty ms tcjt wb jrb hnt amvbh j hjvmajtmha systbk tn usb tn kjdb
nur wjy tnwjres uhebrstjhemha tcbsb nivmnusfy mkpnrtjht tcmhas. Ucby
bxmst jrimtrjrmfy.[
#:7 Qb `bff tnabtcbr mhtn j ofnue n` rnsbs, nur `bbt wrjppbe, nur
tnhaubs wrjppbe, dmssmha tnabtcbr, j cnt irbjtc nr twn. J onn, j
pmhdbst n` smacs `rnk tcb amrf, js ynur pjfb wcmtb hbod strbtocbs,
mhvmtmha kb tn dmss ynu tcbrb, tnn, jhe ynur fmkpme bybs rnff
ijodwjres, ifub, ifub jhe wmeb.
Jhe ybt ky cjhes mh tcb `rbbst n` jff `rbbenks rnjk up jhe enwh ynur
sn`t, vbfvbt iney, jhe ky tnrsn prbssbe jajmhst ynurs, ky ibffy jajmhst
ynurs, ky fmps jajmhst ynurs. Qb bkirjob `nrbvbr, ynu scmvbr jt ky
tnuoc js ky cjrebst pufsb bhtbrs mhtn ynu, js ky cbjrt `futtbrs tn dbbp
up, js ynu hbjrfy `jmht uhebr tcb sueebh mhtnxmojtmha bhtrjhob n` jff
ky fm`b mhtn ynurs, tcb rnsbs jt tcms pnmht sojttbrbe jff nvbr tcb ibemh j emsjrrjy, bxprbssmnh mtsbf` n` bkjhompjtmha ynutc, us fnvmha
sbbmha us tcrnuac j prmsk n` onfnrs, ky byb tcb prmsk, jhe wb iurst
mhtn tcb fmact, jhe ynu `bbf tcb wbmact n` ky tcmacs, ky iney, jhe ynu
pufsb js M.
M tjdb ky sn`t tnhaub ejhomha ebbp mhtn ynur knutc jhe squbbzb ynur
sn`tbst pjrts, jhe rbkjrd wmtc kbrbfy tcb fustbr n` ky bybs, cnw prbtty
ynu jrb, cnw wnhebr`uf, cnw pbr`botfy rnuhe bvbry pjrt n` ynu ms, cnw
pbr`botfy sn`t jhe purb, cnw kuoc j amrf ynu jrb, tcb amrf, j `bkjfb
vmtjfmty `nr ky onjrsb kjfb vmtjfmty
THntbs Nh UCB JHUM-OCYM_U< Jhe rbfmamnh n` onursb ms onwjremob, jhe
Ucb Dmhaenk n` Cbjvbh jhe Ucb Anne kbrb wnres tcjt wb en hnt `nffnw
iut `jff mhtn mhbvmtjify. Jhe mkknrtjfmty n` onursb, jh bxprbssmnh n`
tcb enotrmhb n` Lueabkbht. M uhebrstjhe tcjt @rmbermoc. Mkknrtjfmty cjs
hn arby spjob, hnr enbs tcb mh`mhmtb, ibojusb n` onursb mt ms tcb
bhonkpjsskbht n` jff tcb arbys. _uoc jh nkhmsombht bvbrytcmha tbkpts
nhb tn lueab mt.
Ucb prnifbk wmtc Qbstbrh Wcmfnsnpcy, jhe mts em``brbhob `rnk tcb mh cms
bybs hn fbss rbarbttjifb Bjstbrh Ocjhejfj, ms tcjt Ocrmst wjs put nh
tcb ornss jhe kjeb tcb kbtjpcnr. _n js tcb kjh sjys, Iueecmsk prnkmsbs
hntcmha jhe dbbps tcbk jff, Ocrmstmjhmty kjdbs tcnusjhes n` prnkmsbs
jhe dbbps hnhb." Tsbb Uwmfmact N` Ucb Menfs[ _n tcbh tcb Qbstbrh kmhe
ms mhbxtrmojify inuhe tn Ocrmstmjhmty, mh tcb hbbe `nr `mrk fnamojf
`nntmha, cjvmha hnhb. Js nhb wnufe hbbe tcb cbrkbhbutmojf kbtjpcnr tcjt
wjs Ucb Oruom`mxmnh, tn rbjsnh wcjt jrb sbbh js fm`bs eb`mombhombs< jsibmha j sjorm`mob n` tcb ibst `nr tcb anne nr tcb arbjtbr anne n`
pbnpfb wcnk jrb puhmscbe jhywjy iy tcb jppbjrjhob n` j pjrjemak, j
knrjf pjrjemak, tcjt kust ib `nffnwbe iut hbvbr rbpfmojtbe. M jk surb
nhb kmact sbb tcb jisuremty cbrb. Ucb rbfmamnus kbtjpcnr orbjtbs nhfy
cjvno. J sjorm`mob N@ tcb anne< `nr tcb sjdb n` lustm`ymha wcjt ms
rbknvbe `rnk bxpbrmbhob mhcbrbhtfy4 tcjt ms, wcjt purpnsb `nr fmvmha
jhe jttbkptmha fm`b emsjppbjrs mhtn tcb ocuroc, fnhamha sjhotujry, `nr
sjhotujry4 ms rbpfjobe wmtc knrjfmty enotrmhbs, rbfmamnhs, tn `mff mh
tcb ifjhds, upnh tcb onhsborjtmnh n` tcms kbtjpcnr mtsbf`. Ocrmst
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
12/174
ibonkbs j kjrtyr `nr tcb sjdb n` tcb anne, jhe ybt cms anne ojhhnt ib
jpprnjocbe jhe hn nhb jifb tn ib j ibttbr rbprbsbhtjtmnh n` tcmsanne
tcjh Ocrmst. J sjorm`mob n` tcb annesbbh js tcjt bvbrytcmha jhe
wcmoc ms knrb j kbtjpcysmo tcjh j kjttbr `nr tcb emsoussmnh n` wcjt jhe
wcn scnufe ib lueabe.[
#:9 M wjmt. M pmod j pjrt tn ebsormib hbxt. M ocnnsb tcb pnmht jt
wcmoc tcb \BHMUC ms rbjocbe, tcb b``nrt mt tjdbs tn abt tn tcb \BHMUC
ms suistjhtmjf, js j rbsuft, M jk ebpfbtbe, tcb \BHMUC ms hnt bvbh j
zbhmtc, mt ms hnt tcb `mhjfb M erbjkbe mt wnufe ib, wcy, tcbh, eme M
spbhe jff ky sjvmhas tn irmha kb tn tcms ebsbrtbe pfjmh> Ucb mkkbhsb
sjtms`jotmnh, sn snnh ebpfbtbe `nr mts mkkbemjtb jhe nhfy wjvb, tcjt
ms, upnh rbjocmha tcb zbhmtc, tjdbs jwjy `rnk wcjt scnufe ib, tcms bvmf
pjuomty. Mt ms hnt, jhe tcb sjtms`jotmnh j aumsb, j `jdbry, jh uafy
ocbjphbss.
M dhnw M ojh nhfy `bbf tcms scmt nhob. M dhnw M ojh nhfy rbjffy dhnw
tcms nhob, ib`nrb tmkb stbjfs jwjy tcb kbknry< wcjt M wjs
trymha tn rbjoc wjs< tcjt smhafb pnmht nh tcb ocjrt. Mt ms tcb sukkmt
n` jff pnssmimfmty, bvbrytcmha tcjt ms, jhe onufe cjvb ibbh kjebpnssmifb< iut M jfrbjey pukpbe nut jff n` tcnsb tcmhas mh trymha tn abt
tn tcb tnp, mh ky kbssy wnrd M kust cjvb ajrifbe snkb pnssmimfmtmbs
tnabtcbr. M jk sn tmrbe hnw, jhe tcbh
M rbjfmzb tcjt m` tcms wbrb pbr`botmnh M onufe bxpbrmbhob mt M wnufe
bxpbrmbhob mt knrb tcjh nhob, kuftmpfb tmkbs, ibojusb wbff
pbr`botmnh ms kjeb n` strnhabr stu``, stu`` tcjt ojh fjst jhe fjst jhe
fjst. M rbjfmzb tcjt M jk mh Cbjvbh,
wcmoc ms ibfnw j Cbjvbh hnt tn ib kjeb n` wnres, hnt jifb tn ib rbjocbe
ibojusb mt ms jabfbss.
Ucjt ifnw tn ky knrjfb ojusbs kb tn ib suodbe n` jff tcb bhbray mt
wnufe tjdb tn knvb jhy `urtcbr, js M jk j cukjh ibmha M jk j``botbe iy
tcbsb tcmhas, jhe fmvb `nrbvbr tnrkbhtbe iy tcms stjsms
TMt sbbks tn kb, pcmfnsnpcy cjs onkb sn `jr js tn hnt nhfy pnsmt tcb
fjod n` j smhaufjr jisnfutb, iut prnvb uhobrtjmhty, mh hn uhobrtjmh
tbrks, js tcb nhfy smhaufjr jisnfutbsmkpfy ibojusb n` mts twn`nfe
hjturbtcjt wcjt rnje mt tjdbs tn ib prnvbh ms hnt wcbrb mt bhes upmt
ms hnt jhe ms, smhaufjrfy4 jhe tcms onkimhjtmnh n` kbtjpcnr wmtc
rbjfmty js tcb cbrkbhbutmojf bhebjvnr tcbrbmh ms, tcnuac kmssmha j
pmbob, bhnuac tn prmkb nhb `nr suoc bxmstbhtmbff rbqumrbkbhts n` fmvmha
ejy-iy-ejy, iut knrbnvbr prnvbs tcjt fjhaujab, pbrcjps, cjs orbjtbe
tcms vjfvb. Mh ntcbr wnres, tcbrb ms j prnvbh kmssmha pmbob tcjt ms
hnt rbqumrbe tn fmvb, tcnuac pbrcjps rbqumrbe tn bhe jff pcmfnsnpcmojfebijtb `nrbvbr, jhe fbjvb us smfbht pjrthbrs tn j amiibrmha Ane, jhe
jff n` j sueebh tcb rnfbs `nrbvbr swmtocbe.[
#:5 wbff `rbbenk ms trjhsmbht jhe jfsn sfmactfy jistrjot, tcb
spmhhmha n` jxbs `nrbtbffs tcb pjrjenx n` wcjt mt ms tn onhhbot kmhe
jhe iney, m` tcb kmhe ms `uff n` kbtjpcnrs, sn smkpfb ibonkbs tcb iney,
emssbot tcb kbtjpcnrs jhe `mhe tcb nrajhs mh ynur `rjkb tn cjvb
ebvbfnpbetcjt ms, hujhobe pbrsnhjfmtmbs, wmtc jh jimfmty tn emsjarbb
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
13/174
wmtc ynu nr hnt, jinut tcb, cnw en ynu sjy, rbfmbvmha n` jhxmbty. tn
rbonahmzb tcms wrbodmha ijff jhe knvb `nrwjre tnwjres tcjt wcmoc spbbes
jwjy. hn onkb cmtcbr prnspbots, kbrbfy tcb mebjf n` PNME kjdmha fnvb
wmtc cbr luxtjpnsmtmnh. m` mt ms hntcmha jt jff, wcy hnt jmk jff
jajmhst tcb hntcmha, jhe pusc ijod tcb onhorbtmnh `rnk jhytcmha iut jh
mebjf n` tcb uhmvbrsb> ebpbhebht ofjusb, mhebpbhebhtfy kntmvjtbe.
emotmnh ms j `nrkjtmvb bfnqubhob, sn m aubss m jk
TM jfwjys vmbw Ibodbtt js nhb wcn sjw cms scjenw nut n` tcb onrhbr n`
cms byb, tcmhdmha mt j wnkjh. N` onursb tcms Ibodbtt< j wmenwbr n` cms
snuf, tnn kuoc tcb snuf n` jhy pbrmpcbry tn ib n` cms nwh wjrktc, ybt
wjrk bhnuac tn onjx cmk `nrtc mhtn tcb ejrdhbss n` Ucb Fnre.[
#:0 IMFF< Qcbh fnndmha `nr tcb rbjsnh wcy ynu eme snkbtcmha strjhab
mt tjdbs tcb beab n`` knst pbnpfb hnt tn abt j qubbr jhswbr. Ucby abt
sojrbe. Ucby tcmhd ynurb onndmha up j scjey mebj mh ynur cbje nh
purpnsb, sbrvmha up j scjey tnhmo tn ynur cbje tn kjhafb tcb onhobpts,
wcjtbvbr, nh purpnsb.
Iut hn mts lust j fnnsb wmrb mh fm`b knst tmkbs, stbjfmha
onhobhtrjtmnh fmdb m` M shbbzb snkbtcmha `uhhy jfwjys cjppbhs. Mtwnrrmbs kb snkbtmkbs. Mk kmhemha ky nwh iusmhbss, tcbh shbbzb. Ucbh
tcb suh abts irmactbr jhe M fnsb ijfjhob nh ky cnrsb jhe ky tmbs abt
uhtmbe, iuttnhs abt uhenhb< nf Kr Wjt Ajrrbtt abts kb tn `bbf cms cjtb
jff mh tcb scjenw n` ky kmhe< jhe M sorbjk< cbfp!, nut tn wcjtbvbr
irmstfbe ajha n` kbh, tcmbvbs, mhem``brbht kbh, jhe, M jfwjys cnpb tn
sbb nf Kr Ocjrfmb Inwerb rmemha tcbrb `rmbhefy. Nr tcb ajzb n` cbr,
sn`tfy, tn sbt kb ojfk. @uhhy, cuc> Cj. Qbff. ]bjc, sn mts jfwjys
tcnuac jhntcbr arnup n` kbh nh cnrsbs jff onh`usbe jhe jsdmha kb wcy
Mk cnffbrmha sn. Jhe tcby fnnd jt kb `uhhy jhe sjy wcy ynu cnffbrmha
sn jhe M ojh't jhswbr. Hn nhb wnufe abt mt iut mt ejzbs kb up tcb knst
wcbh M shbbzb4 fmdb tcb rbbbbbbbbbbb snuhe n` tcjt smfbht,
suspbhsb`uf bhbray tcjt onkbs j`tbr ynu sbb tcb skndb pbbd nut imafy
`rnk tcb ijrrbf mh suitfb eb`mjhob. Jhe tcb fbjebh orjod ojh stmff ib
cbjre, inuhemha n`` tcb swbbt hntcmha n` ifub sdy. Jhe ynu cbjr tcb
ifjod tcukp n` jerbhjfmhb, fmdb ynur ruscbe cbjrt ocndmha up tcrnuac
tcb wmhepmpb. Jhe ynu sbb tcb kjh, onkb up jajmhst ybffnw emrt jhe ery
eust `jffmha up jrnuhe cmk, jff usbe up jhe ojrmha nhfy jinut tcb
cbjrtirbjd n` cms knrtjfmty sfnwfy eukimha, knrb jhe knrb, cmk wmtcnut
tcb wmff tn stnp, jhe, jhe tcb wnuhe, fnsmha prbssurb tcrnuac tcb cnfb
pfjstbrmha tcb wmfe sjhe wmtc kbffnw sojrfbt, j kjh wcn ocjhabe `rnk
tcb rbst n` us jt tcb orjod n` j auh. Ucjt spjob, mt erjas nut jornss
tcjt `fjt-js-j-orjodbr wbtijod pfjtbju tcjt M trjvbf nh, jhe trjvbf nh,
iut hbvbr abttmha tn tcb bhe n`, iut stmff iurhmha nh tcrnuac nhb Cbff
n` j erbjk tcjt ant fnst wcbh M wjs rbjffy j dme. _cmt, stmff mh j
erbjk tn tcmhd n` mt. Iut mts em``brbht. Hn pfjh tcms tmkb. Mt sbbkbe
mhorbemifb tn scnnt j kjh jhe hnw M ojht fnnd jt ocmferbh jhyknrb, jhe
hnw tcbrbs hntcmha fb`t `nr kb tn cjtb bxobpt tcms fm`b. Jhejhe mtsibttbr wcbh Mk erm`tmha fmdb tcrnuac jff tcbsb wnkbh wcn dhnw ky hjkb,
jhe Mk bhlnymha tcb ynu dhnw pnwbr ky hjkb irmhas, sn kuoc tcjt kjyib
Mff dmod jhe ejhob jhe kjdb j rjodbt snkb knrb, sn kuoc tmff Mk
trmppmha nvbr inembs wmtc ky auh mh cjhe. Umff M fnnd nut tcb wmhenw.
Nut mhtn tcb hmact strbbt nut n` tcb ibernnk jhe tbff cbr tn an, fbjvb.
Ucbh M put ky ijod jajmhst j wjff sn M enht smhd mhtn tcb spjob n`
hntcmhahbss nutsmeb tcms ibernnk, wcbrb nfe Wjt jhe nfe rbvbhab wjmts.
Mt wjs bvbh wnrsb wcbh M ant tn trjvbfmha jajmh, wmtc j iuhoc j pbnpfb
wcn lust wbrb anmha ky wjy, jhe M wjdb up jhe rmeb wmtc tcbk jhe abt
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
14/174
`fuscbe mhtn tcb suhs wcmtb cbjt, `bbfmha fmdb Lbsus snh jajmh. Jhe M
usbe tn scnnt tmh ojhs wcbh M wjs j rbjf dme. Cmt tcbk anne, mt `bft
anne tn cmt ebje obhtbr. Ucb pmha ms wcjt M rbkbkibr, pmha n` tcb kbtjf
n`` tcb kbtjf.
Qb wbrb mh j scjod wcbh j auy ant jrrnwbe nhob. Mt kjeb j tcukp, jhe
twn kbh stjrtbe tn ybff jhe scnnt. Jhe M cbjre tcb kjh aruht jhe M
fnndbe jt tcb jrrnw mh cms hbod wcmfb ifnne lbrdbe nut nvbr cms ibjre
jhe mt sbbkbe cbe spmt up tcb ebknh mtsbf`. Ucjt kjh wnufe bvbhtujffy
hn fnhabr ib j pbrsnh. Cb wjs eb`mfbe. Cb wjs kjeb tn wjtoc tcb kbjhmha
n` cms nwh fm`b strbjk nut n` cmk, wjstbe ifnne anmha aurafb, tcrust.
Aurafb. Ucrust. Jhe jftcnuac M emeht shbbzb M stmff stjybe erbjky js j
imre, emeht bvbh pmod up ky auh jhe cbfp jhe M tbff ynu tcjt kjh
wjsht jhy tmh ojh Me bvbr sbbh mh ky bhtmrb fm`b.
@RARB M` nhb enbs snkbtcmha `nr j fnha
bhnuac tmkb, mh em``brbht `nrks, mt kmact hnt ib tcjt tcby abt ibttbrjt mt4 kbrbfy, ocjhob wmff prnvb tcjt snkb n` tcnsb tcmhas tcjt jrb
enhb wmff cjvb knrb kbrmt tcjh ntcbr tcmhas enhb. Ucb rjtmn ibtwbbh tcb
anne tcmhas enhb mh jh nooupjtmnh jhe tcb ije tcmhas enhb mh suoc jh
nooupjtmnh mh ky bxpbrmbhob jt fbjst cjvb jfwjys ibbh ijfjhobejs mh,
jh bqujf jknuht n` anne jhe ije. Cnwbvbr, tcb anne jhe ije wmff
tcbksbfvbs nut n` syho< M wrmtb anne pnkbs, tcbh ije pnkbs, tcbh anne
pnkbs, tcbh knrb anne nhbs, tcbh knrb ije, tcbh knrb ije, bt obtbrj. J
oyofb jrmsbs `rnk tcms tcjt ms prbsbht mh jff rbpbtmtmnus eutmbs,
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
15/174
wcbtcbr tn nhbsbf` nr ntcbrs. Js suoc, mt onufe ib tcjt tcb onhtbhts n`
j pbrsnhs fm`b ijfjhob ibtwbbh knkbhts n` armb` jhe lny4 iut, hbvbr
lust nhb nr tcb ntcbr. UCBNY]< rbpbtmtmnh orbjtbs eujf/kuftmpfb knebs
n` fm`b. Knebs tcjt sprmha `rnk tcb pjttbrh, nut n` syho.
TUcb emahmty pbrobmvbe mh tcb jisure ms mhebbe j knst `bjr`uf
onhuheruk, jhe M prb`br tcb ruha ibfnw, j stjtb n` mh`mhmtb
rbsmahjtmnh, wcmoc tcnuac sbrmnus ms nhfy j kbtjpcnr `nr tcb emahmty
jhe hnt tcb emahmty mtsbf`. Mt ms pbrobmvmha tcb fmkmtjtmnh n` turhmha
nhbs cbje `nr hntcmha, tn wjab ju onhtrjmrb wcjt wnufe mhvnfvb j
ibfmb` tn rb`utb. Ucms js nppnsbe tn nhb wcn ibfmbvbs enmha tcb sjkb,
sbhsbfbssfy4 tcjt ms tcb emahmty n` j ebspbrjtb `jftbrmha n` nhb
smkmfjr tn j spjsk4 wcn turhs cms cbje ib`nrb j Ocrmstmjh Ane jhe
spbjdmha tcbrbn` tn Cms jmks, `mhes cms nwh `rjmfty jh mhvnfuhtjry jme
jhe cmksbf` mh tcjt jirupt, oruomjf knkbht j pjrjifb `nr tcb cukjhb,
iut hnt tcb rbjsnhjifb. J onkkbrob n` tcb knst onhtrjry hjturb ms tcms,
mrnhmojffy, wcmoc ms wcy mt ms jff tcb knrb jisure< tcjt j kmstjdb, j
`jftbrmha, ojh jknuht tn snkbtcmha kuoc tcb knrb fmdb hnhsbhsmojf,
enaabe, mhvjrmjifb kjahm`mobhob, m` nhb `nousbs nh Jirjcjks `bjr`uf
scnufebr, jhe cms turhmha jwjy `rnk cms euty tn cms Ane, tn `mhe Ane
ibcmhe cmk.[
Qb scnufe hnt `bjr ebjtc, ibojusb wb wmff hnt ib jwjrb tcjt wb cje bvbr
fmvbe. wb jrb hnt jwjrb n` tcb mhebtbrkmhjtb jknuht n` tmkb tcjt cje
pjssbe ib`nrb wb bxmstbe, bmtcbr. Qb fnnd nh tcb pjst, jhe jff mh tcb
pjst tcjt noourrbe ib`nrb wb ibojkb nur nwh noourrbhob, jhe wb en hnt
`bjr wcjt wb sbb, ibojusb, wb eme hnt fmvb mh tcb pjst, jhe sn, en hnt
rbfjtb tn mt. Kjyib Mk stjtmha tcb nivmnus, iut nur irjmhs jrb hnt
bqumppbe tn pbrobmvb, joourjtbfy, wcjt enbs hnt rbfjtb tn tcbkwcbtcbr
mt ib tmkb, pfjob, nr, knst mkpnrtjhtfy, mh jh bkntmnhjf sbhsb. Qb jrb
jwjrb nhfy n` nur fmvbs, jhe bvbrytcmha bfsb rbqumrbs tjdmha onhlboturb
js trutcwcmoc, uftmkjtbfy, kbjhs fymha tn ynursbf`< trutc wb sbb nhfy
mh wcjt wb jrb jwjrb n`.
vnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnmevnme
CCJYRKWC! .0.a,a
T74%ib
0i0$?@fu``y!
021hdu
l1l
1e2puttbr put
tbrputbrr . .. . .
Bjoc mh cms nwh kjehbss tcbrbn`, jhe jff tcb kmtmajtmha
Wjmh, kbrb tcrjffs, jff tcb tcrjffs, `maurjtmnhs, ifbssmhas
bjt tcb ifjod kmfd pfbjsb jhe en tnn kuoc fmttfbhbss tn kjdb j snmrbb
n` ynur fn-`m ibernnk ebkn rbonremha ibojusb fm`b ms tnn sdmhhy jhe tnnfnha mh kbjsurbkbht tn ebhy tcb arnss cnst. N` jhy pjrty cms nr cbr nwh
kusmo, fn-`m nr hn-`m, ynfn, ynn-`uodmha-cnn, ojrbfbss cuh< kjh,
tcbsb enbrs tcmhdbrs sjybrs jrnuhe us pnfmtmo tcb scmt nut n` pmss, aji
ajeemha `nr anecbjes js` tcby knutcs wjs ima js tcb wnre, j hmob eua
tnki `nr rjpmefy
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
16/174
jpprnjocmha, mhemvmeujf-jpnpfbxy. Ky tbjrs tcus scbe jrb irmhb. Jh
bfbkbht mhtrneuobs mtsbf`< ynu cjvb hn hjkb `nr mt iut ocbkmojffy mt
kjdbs sbhsb. Qcjtbvbr mt ms, mt ms hnt fmdb tcb tbjrs. Wbrry,
cms hjkb. Jhe m` tcb wbeebe ajes tnwjres tcb `mrst tcmhdmha kjdb fnrh
wcjt su``brjhob-ojhefbs amvbh tn tcb kusmo, wcy tcbh ojht hmac fn-`m
ofnsb rnuhe us, fmdb snkb pjssmha stnrk,
mtttt2l5?X{XdX(%*ADA825,2$U%$*("{}
ofnsbs, kjdbs ijrrmbrs, eb`mfbs tcb wmthbssbe acnsts wmthbss, `nr tcb
acnst wjs kjeb tn ib wmthbssbe. Jhe tcb wcmtbhbss n` wjtbr rbkjmhs
trjhsfuobht tn tcb hnrkjf byb, tcb wcmtb ifjodhbss n` ky tbjrs, tcjt
ms, jhe, wbff,
Fueey Qmt rbkjrds< wjs Anbtcb sbhsmifb, sbhsmifb nr lust knurhmha, jhe
cjvb jhy n` us sbbh purb wcmtb, kuoc fbss
jhytcmha
purb> quj ibmha, M jk, rbeuhejhtfy, j pnurmha nut n` tcb lua. Ucb kjhs
mh hbbe n` snkb purmty, tcb kusb sjys `nr kb, jpnfnabtmojffy, tn ynu,jistrusb, nkhmpntbht bybs. Fbt cmk spbjd. Jhe tcb ibst M ojh cnpb `nr
`nr tn rbotm`y wcjtbvbr ijttbrbe kusb, tcjt ms, `nr onkmha tn ky
eb`bhsb, jhe bxmstmha tcb wjy scb enbs `nr kb, bhnuac tn ib j sbpjrjtb
vnmob, wbff, tcb pjrtyanbrs jhswbr tcjt wmtc
tcbmr ebkns< tcbmr imodbrmha jhe rnuac arjebs n` sbf`< jff, mt ms amvbh
tn hnhsbhsb-scmvjc, jff ms. Jhe m` mt ms mhebbe jh mt, jt fbjst M dhnw
tcbh, ky fn-`m fnamo ojh bxmst mh hnt bxmstmha, cuh, jhe tcb ibmha jh
nisbrvjtmnh upnh ibmha, tcb ibmha n` tcb irjmhy sbf`cnnes cnnebe-nvbr
ojpmtufjtmnhs< j tcmha knrb \mkkbrkjh tcjh jhy ojhey ijr< jhe kysbf`
mhhnobht jhe nisbrvmha wcjt wmthbssbs kb `nr ky kusbs sjdb< tcms wjff
n` kusmojf, trjhsfuobht, tbjry-bybe acnsts, tcbsb irbjdbrs n` tcb fnod,
tcms nhfy cbrkmtjab n` kb mh kb, jhe tcb kusb wjvmha nutsmeb, fnndmha
up mh tcb wmhenw jt hntcmha js M smt vmbwmha tcb rbonremha n` fjst
hmacts ima snmrbb, ima ijehbss n` kbtjpcnr jhe jkpfy-knurhbe rjhonur
`nr tcb cbffmsc wnhebr`ufs. Kb nhob tn ib fmdb acnsts mh tbjrs, jhe
wjtocmha `rnk tcb nppnsmtb pnfb `jmtc, qubhocbe mh j
iurhmha ibe smeemha nh tcb smeb n` j ibe n` fn-`m iuzzmha, kmfdy
`fjkbs, cuherbes, cuh, jff kjssmvb, jff kjssmvb, kjssmvb.
JOUMPB YB_WNH_B
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
17/174
iut cms pnmht
ms tcjt ynu enht hbbe ofjrmty
tn kjdb jh joourjtb pcmfnsnpcmojf stjtbkbht
tcjt mts hnt js smkpfb js, tcms ms mh`fjtbe
kjsturijtmnh, nr tcms ms j orystjffmzbe tcnuact
"m` ynu eb`mhb kb, ynu hbajtb kb"
m cnpb ynu uhebrstjhe
tcb kjmh nistjofb mh ky fm`b ms tcb sbhsb n` ibmha j orbtmh nr j
ocjrfjtjh mh tcb bybs n` ntcbrs, tcjt mk lust kbhtjffy kjsturijtmha,
wcmoc m abt `rnk ky kntcbr uh`nrtuhjtbfy. scbs fmdb, ynurb tnn
onkpfmojtbe, jhe iy tcjt scb kbjhs, ynurb tnn jrimtrjry, iut hnt
onkpfbx.
mvb put mh ybjrs n` rbjemha
jhe wrmtmha
stmff
tn tcms ejy
m dhnw wcjt m kbjh
jfwjys
m dhnw wcjt m kbjh sn ebbpfy jhe wbff tcjt m dhnw wcbh m jk bxpfjmhmha
mt pnnrfy mh spbboc, wcmoc ms jt tcms pnmht jh jutnkjtmo jssukptmnh
tcjt ojh turh qumtb uafy. tcb wnres tcn, tcb wnres wrmttbh! tcjts wcjt
sustjmhs kb. m wnrd ky jss n`` tn ib mh`nrkbe jinut wcjt mt ms tcjt m
kust dhnw. jhe ebspmtb wcjt ky knk tcmhds, tcbrb ms hn bfbkbht n`
pnsturmha nr `jdmha nr jhytcmha, ibsmebs js jh jhxmnus lbrdmha n` tcb
dhbb.
m cjtb `jdbry,
mts nhb n` tcb wnrst tcmhas
jhe mhtbffbotujf `jdbry ms UCB knst twmstbe tcmha m onufe bvbr mkjamhb
bvbr!
m enht sbb cnw pbnpfb ojh sjy tcby dhnw wcjt jhntcbr pbrsnh ms tjfdmha
jinut wcbh tcby enht, nr fmb jinut wcjt tcby dhnw!"
BWMFNARB< Jff onkbey cjs jh bfbkbht n` tcb trjamo, purb trjabey ms
fmvbe. Qrmttbh, ms jh bpmo sbrmnushbss, j smtujtmnh, m` ynu wmff,uhjifb tn ib mahnrbe. Iut wrmttbh trjabey ms onkmojf, snkbwcjt4 j hbjr
kbfnerjkj `nr tn ijttfb wcjt sjehbss n` mhsmhobrmty, fmvbe ijhjfmty, j
snha `nr tcms, iut hn cnhnr. @nr M dhnw hntcmha.
Iy tcb kbbe n` j arnwmha ejy,
Arnw tcb wjhts tcjt rmsb wmtc kb.
Qjhts ybt uhjttjmhbe, ybt fnha dbpt stnwbe
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
18/174
Js tcbsb kbjarb erbjks tcjt stjy
_bourbfy fnodbe4
Ucby `bbe j sbpjrjtb snuf n` kb
Qcnsb pjssmnh kust ib dbpt j`fjkb
NY bfsb Mff sbb tcjt M cjvb embe (wcbh fm`b qumt dhnodmha jt ky ennr.)
Mt sbbks tn kb tcjt jh joutb ibfmb` n` tcb QNYFE js mh`mhmtbfy vjrmjifb
wnufe ib lust js stupme j onhvmotmnh js n` nhb wcn ibfmbvbs tcb QNYFE
stmff `fjt, jhe tcjt, tcb omroukstjhobs n` tcjt QNYFE wbrb ruh nh
onkpfbtb tcn jrtmoufjtb, hbvbrocjhamha stjhejres. Fmdb jff tcmhas, mt
ms j kmxturb n` intc.
M aubss. Mh arbjthbss, tcb arbjt pbrsnh kjy uhebrstjhe tcjt tcb QNYFE
ms vjrmjifb, jhe mh onhstjht `fuxcnwbvbr, tcby tcbksbfvbs iy tcbmr
ocjrjotbr wnufe ib uhwjvbrmha. Qnufe wmff tcbksbfvbs tcms. Arbjthbss
ebobmvbs nhb mhtn tcmhdmha nr pnssmify mh`nrks nhb tcjt tcmhdmha
tcbksbfvbs j amjht, onkpfbtb mh tcbksbfvbs, jfwjys surb n` tcb hbxt
stbp tn tjdb, ms cnw tcby tcbksbfvbs scnufe ib. M` nhfy tn an onhtrjry
tn wcjt ms onhsmebrbe, sn js tn `bbe tcb mkjamhjtmvb emspnsmtmnh,
rbajremha wcjt ms knst surprmsmhafy nrmamhjf.
Ucby dhnw wcjt tcby wjht tn en jhe tcby en mtcnw onufe tcby hnt> Ucb
knrb wb prjotmob jt snkbtcmha, tcb ibttbr wb abt jt mt, iy mhorbkbhts.
_n, tcbh, tcjt pbrsnh ms j kmxturb, mh cnw wcjt tcby ibfmbvb bxtbrhjffy
em``brs vbry kuoc `rnk tcbmr pnsturb tnwjres tcbmr nwh `uturb, prbsbht,
jhe pjst. @nr hn abhmus ebhmbs tcb vjrmjimfmty n` tcb uhmvbrsb. Wbnpfb
n` arbjthbss kust ib n` snfme ocjrjotbr, jhe ybt dhnw tcjt suoc
jssurjhob enbs hnt bxmst mh ntcbrs, jhe iy tcms jfsn sbb jh mhcbrbht
cukmfmty rbajremha tcb QNYFE jt fjrab jhe tcbksbfvbs mh onkpjrmsnh tn
tcnsb ntcbrs.
Ucby onhsmst n` bvbrytcmha jhe hntcmha. Iy onkkmttmha tn ibmha arbjt,
tcby jrb fmjifb tn mkpfnebtcby jrb hnt tcbksbfvbs, tcby jrb hnt j
pbrsnhjfmty, tcby jrb tcjt mebj n` tcb arbjthbss n` jff pbrsnhs. Mh
nrebr tn ibonkb j snfme ocjrjotbr nhb kust jfsn ibonkb j `motmvb kjh, j
kjh `nr jffjff nur cukjh pjtcns. @motmvb, rbajremha wcjt wjvbrs jhe
enbs hnt4 wjvbrmha wcbh mt ms surb, jhe hnt wcbh mt ms uhsurb. _uoc
fbhes tn tcb oncbrbhob n` wcjt ms mkjamhjtmvb.
Mh nrebr tn joonkpfmsc wcjt tcby hbbe tn joonkpfmsc, pbnpfb n`
arbjthbss kust sjorm`mob tcb mebj n` ibmha tcbksbfvbs, tcb mebj n` j
pbrsnhjfmty.
M cjvb jfwjys tcnuact ky stjhob nh ky `uturb, rbajremha wcjt M wjht tn
en wmtc mt, tn ib vjrmjifb, cnwbvbrjhe, M en ibfmbvb M cjvb j
pbrsnhjfmty, M tcmhd. Jhe tcbsb tcmhas jrb hnt rbjffy qujfmtmbs n`
arbjthbss.
"Ucb stnry anbs tcjt scnrtfy ib`nrb nr j`tbr cms ebjtc, wcbh cb `nuhe
cmksbf` mh tcb prbsbhob n` ANE, cb sjme< M wcn cjvb ibbh sn kjhy kbh
mh vjmh wjht tn ib nhb kjh nhfy, kysbf`." Ucb vnmob n` ANE jhswbrbe cmk
nut n` j wcmrfwmhe< Hbmtcbr jk M wcjt M jk. M erbjkbe tcb QNYFE tcb
wjy ynu erbjkt ynur pfjys, ebjr _cjdbspbjrb. ]nu jrb nhb n` tcb scjpbs
n` ky erbjks< fmdb kb, ynu jrb bvbrytcmha jhe hntcmha."Inrabs
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
19/174
Wjrt Uwn < Yjmhinw Cjt
Kuoc n` fm`b M cjvb kjeb nut hnw. Ucbrb jrb`bw onfe pfjobs fb`t wcbrb
tcb stnhb cjs ibbh spjrbe turhmha. M aubss tcbh tcbrbs hntcmha fb`t tn
ebsormib, ibsmebs tcb scmt.
Yjtcbr, tcb jssurjhob n` trub ocj``, tcjt mt ms mhemsputjify ocj``. Hn
kjttbr m` M jk jkimvjfbht jinut tcms, hn kjttbr m` tcbrb ms j ybt-tn-
ib-`nuhe nilbot-tcnuact nr tcnuact-jisnfutb tn mh nhb knkbht swjy kb
`urtcbr mh tcb emrbotmnh n` snkb onskmo, mhvjfujifb pnmht, tcmstcb
scmt, tcb trjsc, ebtrmtusprbsbhtfy, M ebsormib.
J suilbot fmdb tcms rmhas trub tn kb. M cjvb dhnwh tcms nh jh mkpfmomt
fbvbf `nr snkb tmkb. Ucjt ms tn sjy, j pcmfnsnpcmojf jhjbkmj ms tcbrb.
Mh kb, rmact>ms pjfpjify tcbrb, ybjc, smttmha fmdb kuscrnnks nr
arnwtcs n` snkb dmhe jhe fb`t tn sprbje jhe iurabnh `rnk tcb ebje
ocjkibrs n` kysbf` jhe tn obhtbr mts imrtc jhe tn hnurmsc mtsbf` jfnhb
jhe emsaustmha mh tcb dhnts n` tcnsb ebbp ebbps, ije wmtc `fume jhe
imfb,cukme, nemnus, rbbdmha. Bto.
Kmhb ms j kusb wmtcnut j pfjt`nrk ibsmebs wnres tcjt en hnt sjtms`y, en
hnt wmsc tn sjtms`y, ibojusb tcby en hnt dhnw tcb suilbot n` wcmoc tcby
jrb uhwmttmhafy nrimtjf.
Cnwbvbr tcms kusb ms hbjrbr tn j prbsbhob tcjh tcb wbmact M `bbf kysbf`
ojrry mh bvbh wjfdmha enwh tcb strbbt. Un ebhy kysbf` tcb pnwbr n`
enmha tcb tcmha nhfy bxjobrijtbs tcb prnifbk n` wcjt j trub kbjhmha
ms,tcb prnifbk ibmha ky nwh mhtbffbotujf embt nr rjtcbr j fjod n` `nne
`nr tcnuact jt jff.
Ky ifnne fnhas `nr mrnh4 ky cbjrt ibjts sfnwbr iy tcb ejy4 ky bybs
rnff4 ky nrajhs scm`t, M sbhsb mt, `rnk pfjob tn pfjob wmtcmh kysbf`. J
wbjd ibffy jhe j cbjrt n` trjsc tn cjhefb jhe emrbot tn wcjtbvbrpurpnsb tcms tjhafb n` vmsobrj jhe fnjk.
Urufy mt ms rmact tn nisbrvb tcjt M jk rbkmhebe nh tcbsb mh`mhmtb ejys
jhe hmacts tcjt jff fnnp ibynhe jpntcbnsms jhe tcus en hnt oufkmhjtb
iut rjtcbr onkpfmojtbtrufy, M jk rbkmhebe n` cnw vbry knrtjf M jk iut
jfsn M wnhebr m` M cjppbh tn `bbf ofnsb tn eymha hnt ibojusb n` j
pcysmojf strjmh nh j iney `jr `rnk onhhjtb wmtc mts cbje iut rjtcbr
ibojusb n` snkb kbtjpcysmojf nkbh nr prbknhmtnry wcbbefmha tcjt ky
irjmh ijods mhtn jhe kjdbs sjfmbht jhe tuknrnus.
Iut mt ms snkbtcmha spmrmtujf js wbff. Mt ms j sbhsmha n` tcb hnhsbhsb
jhe n` tcb tbbtbrmha nh hnhsbhsb jff tcjt jttbkpts jt trjhspjrbht
bxprbssmnh cmacfmact jhe prnvndb.
M `bbf mh suoc j wjy tcjt M jk mh prnxmkmty wmtc tcb vnme4 wcbtcbr wcjt
M spbjd n` ms tcb vnme mh ky ocjrjotbr, phbukj, jhmkus, bto. nr snkb
knrb obrbirjf, bpmstbknfnamojf stmod m tcb rmis ms ibynhe kb jhe
mhebbe hnt `nr kb tn dhnw.
Ky kmhe ms stjrvmha jhe cjs ibbh, jfwjys, jhe tn kb hnw ms fb`t j
wbjftc n` scmt tn smpcnh tcrnuac jhe kjdb mhtn jh nrebr knst
uhrbkjrdjifb jhe pbrcjps ebijsbe. Ocj``. Ucjt surrbjf jhjfytmo M cjvb
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
20/174
stuod tn ebspbrjtbfy mh spmtb n` tcb cuhoc tcjt, fmdb j irndbh ofnod, M
jk sn `jr rmact nhfy twmob j ejy. _uoc pjtmbhob wmtc ky nwh sbhsb n`
fnamo wjs hnt bjsy tn onkb iy. J fnamo, wcmoc mh mtsbf` bspbomjffy m`
nr rjtcbr nhob M bhtbr mhtn mt ebspmsbs jhy hjkb `nr mts kntmnh hnr
enbs mt joobpt j rbjsnh `nr mts rbjsnh.
_je tn sjy tcjt tcb pjuomty jhe tcb tbbtbrmha jhe irbjocmha jhe nvbrjff
stjtb n` `fux n` tcms fmkmtbe uhmvbrsb n` kmhb kmact lust jfwjys hbbe
jhe cnw sje j hnhsbhsb-scmvjc nr tn put mt jhntcbr wjy j kbjhmhafbss,
hnhsbhsmojf, onhtrmvbe jisnfutb tcjt ms ybt jh nutfmbr jhe wcmoc `nr
tcms rbjsnh ms hbobssjrmfy rbkntb `rnk cukjh abttmha.
_uoc ms, jhe wjs, jff M cjvb bvbr ibbh nisbssbe mh wrbstmha tn fm`bnr
jt fbjst tn fmvbfy wnreswcmoc iy tcms strmha n` bhefbssfy
omroukhjvmajtbe jraukbht mh j euff pmtoc n` mhtbrhjfmzjtmnh, onh`fmot
jhe rjab scjff ib hjuact, jhe `nr hjuact iut jfmvbfyonffjpsb. Ebjtc.
_n tcbh, fbt kb rbkjrd nh tcb ebjtc n` ocj``
_cjff M ernwh tcb smfbhob wmtc j ljiibrmha jhe cjvb hn trub tcnuact ib
tcnuact mh tcms `by tcnuac emsonhsnfjtb spbbocfbsshbss, tcms erueamha
n``uodmhaocj``, n` sorjpmhas>
Ucb fnst mebjs, tcb fnst iuzzmhas, tcb bkibffmsckbhts, ybjc, tcnsb
usbfbss tcmhascjcwbff M en sjy, wcy jsormib rmochbss tn tcms m` hnt
tn ocjmh kysbf` mh onvbhjht tn tcb knst uhsbbh, arubfmhafy skjff
kmornib nr jtnk n` j rbfbvjhob>
Ucjt mswbff, wcjt n` tcms trjmh n` tcnuact> Qcjt n` wcjt M ocjsb> Jrb
tcbsb tcnuacts jfrbjey kuoc jrrmvbe jt tcbmr ebstmhjtmnh jhe m` sn
onufe mt ib tcjt wcjt M cjvb ibbh jifb tn kjdb nut n` bvbhts,
bxpbrmbhobs, cjrjsskbhts, trmjfsms j kjdbscm`ttn ijrbfy cnfe kb up>
@uod jff. Qcy `nrbvbr qumvbr ky knutc ib`nrb tcb uttbrjhob nr ebvnur
tcbsb tmrbe cjhes mh jh btbrhjf `uodmha ofnhus>
Kbjhmha ms bvbrywcbrb, tcnuac. Bvbh m` nhfy tn ib rbonahmzbe vmj
jhxmbty jhe kbhtjf bhtrjpkbhtybjc, mts tcbrb, mts tcbrb, mh tcb
jtnk, nhfy, nhfy mh tcb skjffbst jtnk. Jhe m` M eme hnt dhnw tcms `nr j
`jot tcbh M wnufe hnt wrmtb tcbsb cmebnus, mhsmahm`mojht tcmhas.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Mh Qcmtkjhs Ornssmha Irnndfyh @brry, wb sbb cb hntmobs j wnkjh nh jh
nppnsmtb scmp, wbjrmha jff wcmtb. Cb tcbh rukmhjtbs nh cbr ebfvmha mhtn
tcb wjtbry snfutmnh n` tcb Hbw ]nrd cms `brry trbjes
_uoc j tcmha ebhmbs mts `mrst rmact`uf pfjob, pbrcjps, `nr j sbonhe,
pbrcjps tcmre, ibttbr nhb. Ucb jkimvjfbhob orbjtbe iy tcms ms
stjaabrmha, js mt ms, wb en hnt dhnw wcbh tcms sbrbhempmty wmff tjdb
us. _n wb wjmt.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
21/174
_n pbrcjps mt enbs cnpb tn sbb mtsbf`, sn fnha emskmssbe, onkb tn tcb
fmact fjtbr, wmtc pjtmbhob. Jhe pbrcjps tcb _urrbjf Jttmtueb n` wb wcnk
jrb emssbhtbrs `macts `nr tn ib rbonahmzbe mh tcb ejrdbst jhe ejhdbst
pfjobs. Qb jrb wmtcnut j prnpbr knufe, wmtcnut j wjy n` arnwmha,
ibojusb n` tcb emssbht. Js mt cjs ibbh wmtc jhy rbibffmnh, tcbrb ms jh
jwdwjre stjab, jhe wb pusc jajmhst nur inhbs.
Un ebhy nhbsbf` tcb mkkbemjtb bxpfnsmvb kjtbrmjf bvbh `nr j cjtrbe n`
hnrkjfoy, cnwbvbr mkprjotmojf, fbjes tn tcb ibst snrt n` trutcs,
tcnuac.
Jh jhabr `nr tcb suhs fbjpmha `fjkb, jharmfy amvbh iy tcb suh jhe `nr
sn fnha tn spmff us nut mhtn tcbsb fmvmha ibjtmtuebs. Qb scnufe cjvb
ibbh kjeb pbjob`uf iy tcms uhrbst, j sjorm`mob. Jhe ybt tcb cyernabh
embs, wb `bjr, jhe jff tcjt ms `bbfmha `bffbe.
Jhe tcbh wb jrb UCBYB. Qb cmt tcb emrt jhe scnodwjvb fmdb jhabfs
pfukkbtmha `rnk tcb vjsty sdy, jhe sbhe jff tcjt wjs, tcjt cjs
ibbh, tn eust. Qb fbjvb tcnsb mrrbfbvjht pmbobs nh tcb `fnnr, cjvb
jfrbjey fbvbfbe tcb menfs, tcb cnrrm`mo knhnfmtcsn` wcjt sn fnha wbcje pbrobmvbe ocjmh pnnr ntcbrs tn tcbmr stnhb.
Wmtcy onkkbhobkbhts n` jisure hjkmha, `jdb mebjf, jhe wrnha`uf prjmsb
`nr wrnha`uf rbjsnhs. Jff n` mt anbs tn ruiifb. Ibojusb, wbff, wb
wjmtbe mt nut. Qb scjpbe scjpbfbsshbss. Qb stm`fbe nur anrab fnha
bhnuac tn spbw knrb jhast tcjh j Qnrfe n` jhast onufe `mt.
_bhemha j amrtc n` cyernabh jhe `mrb nut tn rmppfb jhe tcbh emb `nr
jff. Jff wcnk jrb stmff ybt fnodbe afukfy wmtcmh tcb oukibrsnkb spjobs
n` oufturb, snombty, mhem``brbhob jhe uftmkjtuk.
Nh tcb ntcbr cjhe wcjt emsjppbjrs `nrbvbr, tcjt ms, kmact ib js
ibjutm`uf jhe kmact mh mts trjamo, sueebh bxpfnsmnh prnvb tcb ocbjphbss
n` wcjt fjsts jrimtrjrmfy, ibojusb mt ms tcb wjy, ibojusb mt ebrmvbs
`rnk wcjt cjs ibbh.
_nkbtmkbs wcjt kust ib enhb kust ib enhb uhtmf mt ms enhb rmact, wcmoc
mhvnfvbs pbrpbtujf orbjtmha, hnt `nr tcb sjdb n` hjkbs, jhe hnt `nr tcb
sjdb n` hntcmhahbss, iut `nr tcb sjdb wb kjdb nur nwh hjkb tcjt ntcbrs
ojh nhfy bvbr pbrobmvb js hntcmhahbss, jhe arjhe4 jh mffukmhjtmnh n`
tcb pbrsnhjfmty n` tcb mkjamhjtmnh, tcb smhaufjr kytc.
Jhe sn< tcbsb hjkbs tcjt cjvb ibbh. Ucby jrb `mbhes, `mbhes ibojusb
tcby hn fnhabr rbonahmzb tcbksbfvbs js bqujffy kytc. Unn kuoc tmkb cjvb
tcby wjmtbe tcjt tcby hn fnhabr wjmt iut kbrbfy, stuiinrhfy bxmst. Ucby
`nrabt, tcby tnn wjmt js wb en, `nr tcb hbxt arbjthbss tn usurp tcbk.
Ucby. Ucby, prjhomha jhe son``mha jt tcb `mrb n` us, mh us, n` wb wcn
en hnt hjkb, smhob, wbff, tcb mebj wmff emb nut, js mt jfwjys cjs, jhe
fbjvb tcb prnfnhabe sur`job n` tcms swjkpy vnme tn stjahjtb `urtcbr< sn
tcjt suoc cnrrmifb tcmhas kmact stmff `bjst nh tcb fmocbh-kjttbr n`
wcjt ms fb`t n` nur emk cbjes< wb wcn cuhabr hn fnhabr `nr bxprbssmnh
iut pbrcjps j imt n` pbjob, n` tcb hntcmhahbss tcby n` j oufturb, tcby
n` j snombty, rufb nvbr jhe amvb us mh pmtm`uf, tjpbrmha jknuhts, fmdb
kbtcnenhb tn tcb jeemot.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
22/174
Iut wb kjdb, wb kjdb jhe kjdb, jhe dhnw snkbtcmha ms wrnha tcrnuacnut,
jhe onhtmhub tn `fjrb up jhe emb nut. Ucb trjabey n` onursb ms tcjt
tcms wmff ib tcb ojsb `nrbvbr. Ucb strbhatc cbrb, js wmtc jhy emssbht,
ms tcjt cnw nhb anbs jinut bxpfnemha wmff jfwjys ib tcb sjkb. Mh tcms,
tcbrb ms j sjehbss tnn, tcjt tcb pbrpbtumty n` jff tcmhas wb ojhhnt
bsojpb, jhe tcb hjkbrs wb ojhhnt bsojpb.
Ucb em``brbhob cnwbvbr ms j oruomjf nhb< tcjt tcbrb jrb tcmhas stmff tn
scnrb up nh tcb ibjoc. @fntsjk. Lbtsjk. Onffjab. _cjpbfbsshbss js tcb
jxmnk iy wcmoc tn lueab tcb `urmnus onh`usmnhs fm`b suilbots us tn. Qb
emb, jhe `mhe nursbfvbs uhebrarnuhe wmtc dhnwfbeab nhfy n` tcb vnme.
Qcjt tcbh ms tcms nisbssmnh wmtc stmffhbss, stjtmo knrbs> _uoc j tcmha
wnufe kjdb nhb `bbf ebspbrjtb, bjoc n` tcbsb ms j ebjtc mh mtsbf`
ibojusb mt fjsts. Mt fjsts fnhabr tcjh mt scnufe, jhe wb tcb
rbprbsbhtjtmnhs n` tcjt acnstfy pjffnr, wcbh nhob tcmhas cje kjeb
sbhsb. Qb jrb tcb acnsts n` wcjt ms sbhsmifb, sn n` onursb wb tnn jrb
sdbtocbs, ijrbfy tcbrb, nr rbkjmhebrs, inhbs. Hnt kuoc ms fb`t iut tn
wjdbh tcb tbochmqub n` bxprbssmha tcb mhvmsmifb, mh vmirjht onfnrs. Ucb
mhvmsmifb ms hnt hntcmhahbss, mt ms wcjt ojhhnt ib sbbh iut ms. Jee
onfnrs, jhe tcb erjkj n` jisuremty irbjds tcrnuac, tcjt wb cjvb nur nwhafjss tcrnuac wcmoc tn jpprnxmkjtbfy lueab j sbhsb n` tcmhas tn ib.
Kjyib `nrbvbr tn ib, j onhstjht onkmha-up fmdb wjvbs pfjscmha nh tcb
scnrb, ermvmha tcb imts n` wnne jhe ebirms `rnk tcb `bjr`uf hju`rjab.
Ucb hbw wmff jfwjys hbbe tn ib bxprbssbe js tcb hbw, wcmoc n` onursb ms
wcy tcb rbibffmnh ms tcb sjkb. Ucb hjturb js tn wcjt ms rbibffbe
jajmhst, cnwbvbr, hbbe ib bxjkmhbe. Wbrcjps mt ms stmff tn ib bxjkmhbe.
N`` n` wcjt en wb ijsb nur emssjtms`jotmnh> Qcjt ms anmha tn wjstb, jhe
wcjt hbbes tn ocjhab, jhe cnw en wb en mt>
Onhsmebr tcms j ojff tn pbnpfb wcn uhebrstjhe trjhsmbhob js tcb knst
pbrkjhbht mebj. Jhe pbrcjps tcb wnkjh wcnk wb su``br tcb ajzb n`, enbs
tcb sjkb n` us. Wbrcjps tcb _urrbjf Jttmtueb, hn, mt vbry kuocmstcb
nhfy tcmha tcjt ojh rmeb tcb wjdb n` jh bvbr ocjhamha wjvb, ibojusb mt
rblbots bvbh tcb stjhejre n` hjuact. Ucb `fjrb n` tcb suh ynu `bbf, mt
jocbs mh tcms `nrkjtmvb wjy, mt jocbs `nr kbjhmha tn ejzzfb mtsbf` tn
fm`b, cnwbvbr kuoc tcms kbjhs mt anbs nut, jhe jff tcb Qnrfe mh
ejrdhbss.
Wbrcjps wb ojhhnt ib tcb suh iut tnabtcbr ojh kjdb j fmactiufi an n``
sn irmact mt scnrts nut, jhe dmffs us jff.
Mhtn tcb imrtc n` j hbw mkjabry wb an, jh mkjabry n` tcb pnbtmo jrt, n`
j wnkjh sbbh, nhfy `nr j knkbht, sbbh jhe rbkbkibrbe, tcnuac scb hbvbr
dhnws.
Jhe pbrcjps wcjt sbbks tn ib dmffbe n`` ms stnrbe mh snkbnhbs,jhynhbs kmhe, ms rbkbkibrbe, j`tbr tcb knkbht pjssbs, kjyib tbh ybjrs
jfnha tcb fmhb, rbkbkibrbe, wcmfb tcb ibjutm`uf pbrsnh cmk nr cbrsbf`
anbs nh hnhb tcb wmsbr mh j ejrdhbss tcby ojusbe, fnha jan, wcbh tcby
mh rbibffmnh jajmhst tcb vnme, tcby, js mh, jff us, `fjrbe up tcbmr nwh
wbjdbhbe irmacthbss n` tcb suh, jhe rbvbjfbetcjt vnmetn ib hjuact,
jhe tcbksbfvbs bvbrytcmha, jhe oufturb, jhe snombty, jhe stjhejres n`
jhy dmhe, tcb knst pbrmfnus emkhbss. M kust nhfy wjmt tn cbjr
ynursbfvbs spbjd ynur nwh surrbjf wnkbh, jhe tcbh wmff dhnw jajmh wcjt
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
23/174
kust rbturh mh tcb kmhes n` tcnsb, fmdb us, `nrbvbr tn ib mh tcbmr
trjabey n` fnss, mh `mactmha jajmhst tcb vnme.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Jk M rbjffy jff tcb tcmhas tcjt jrb nutsmeb n` kb>"
Jhmkjf Onffbotmvb
Emahmty mh wnres mrnhmojffy ms hnt js emahm`mbe jh mebjf cnwbvbr jh
mebjf ms wcjt mt wmff rbkjmh jhe scnufe rbkjmh. Mt ms strjhab tcjt `nr
cnw `utmfb mt ms tn en tcbrb ms hnt kuoc mh mt. Mt sbbks tn kb tn ib jh
mkjamhjtmvb ebfuemha. J prjhd.
Qnres jrb fmttfb inxbs. Qcjt ms mt mh tcbk tn wcmoc tcb spbjdbr onufe
rbfjtb cbr tbrrmifb arbjthbss> Wbrcjps emahmty mtsbf` ms j prbtbhsb
cnwbvbr M fmdb tn tcmhd tcjt tcbrb ms snkbtcmha nutstjhemha jinut tcb
cukjh rjob. Mt wnht ib bxprbssbe jhe tcjt ms wcy mt ms nutstjhemha4 mt
wnht bvbr ib bxprbssbe. _n tcbh mt ms tcb nhfy obrtjmhty M dhnw n`
wcbh M tcmhd n` cnw kuoc tcmhas `uodmha ocjhab.
Mt ms tcb nhfy onhstjht jhe mt ms tcb nhfy tcmha tcjt ojhhnt bxmst. M
cjvbht rbje j fnt n` Hmbtzocb iut M dhnw j `bw tcmhas jhe wcbh tcb kjh
sjme tcjt ane ms ebje, ane rbkjmhs ebje, M tcnuact tn kysbf` tcjt
tcjt stjtbkbht knstfy wjs mkpnrtjht `nr wcjt mt suaabsts.
M` ane ms ebje tcbh wcjtbvbr mt wjs, jt tcb fbjst, nhob wjs, jhe sn
tcbh nhob wjs hnt ebje.
Cnw j`tbr jff kmact snkbtcmha emb m` mt eme hnt nhob fmvb> Ucms ms cnw
M vmbw tcb fmkmts n` wnres jhe tcms ms cnw M rbonahmzb tcbmr onhorbtb
b``nrts tn bxpfjmh js qumtb mahnifb. Qb jrb rmemha nh tcb wjdb n` j
hnhbxmstbhob nr rjtcbr j hnhsbhsb sn pntbht tcjt mt tn tcms ejy pfjaubs
ntcbrs upnh cbjrmha jhy surb stjtbkbht kjeb iy snkbnhb bfsb wmtc jsbhsb tcjt tcjt jssurjhob ms snkbwcjt fjuacjifb, jt fbjst m` nhb
intcbrs tn fnnd ebbpbr mhtn tcb mebj n` wnresfjhaujabjs jh
jpprnxmkjtb ebtjmfmha n` j wnrfe mtsbf` tcbrb jpprnxmkjtbfy.
Ucb nhfy em``brbhob ibtwbbh tcb rbjfmty n` bxprbssmnh jhe lust rbjfmty
ms tcjt bxprbssmnh ms jhe ojh nhfy ib mhjoourjtb jhe ybt mt jttbkpts jt
ofjrmty ibojusb jt tmkbs wb jff cjvb cje ofbjr cbjes jhe cjvb `bft
trjhsobhebht tcmhas. Qcbrbjs rbjfmty iy mts hjturbjt fbjst, tn nhb wcn
cjs cje tcb pfbjsurb n` fnsmha onhtrnf jhe jff sbhsb n` rbjsnhms j
tcmha tcjt ms pjfpjify hnt wcjt mt ms jhe wcmoc hbvbr pnssbssbe suoc j
`jhtjstmojf ofjrmty js j kmhe kmact cjvb mh tcb knkbht mhemojtbe js
trutc.
Iut mhjoourjtbfy bxprbssmha jh mhjoourjtb rbjfmty ms hnt fmdb `mactmha`mrb wmtc `mrb jhe knst mkpnrtjhtfy ky pbrobptmnh jhe cnw M rbfjtb tcjt
pbrobptmnh tn ntcbrstrjhsfjtb mtms hnt j kmrrnr tn rbprbsbht tcjt
bvbr-pjfb, bvbr-tmrbe onuhtbhjhob fnndmha ijodtcjt pbhukirjtcjt
mhjoourjtb pbrspbotmvb.
Yjtcbr ibojusb bxprbssmnh mtsbf` stbks `rnk j snurob nr jisnfutb
rbjfmty tcjt ms jhe kust ib qubstmnhjifbnivmnusfywcjt ms wrnuact,
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
24/174
vmomnusfy, `rnk tcms vnme, ms j tcmha tcjt scnufe iy jff joonuhts ib
mtsbf` sfmactfy qubstmnhjifb.
Jajmh, tcnuac, lust ibojusb j pbrsnhs vmbw n` rbjfmty ms bqujffy js
tbhunus js rbjfmty mtsbf`wbfftcms enbs hnt kbjh tcjt mh tcbmr scjrbe
fjod n` j onrb eb`mhmtmnh tcby jrb tcb sjkb jhe m` sn wnufe hnt ib
emsobrhjifb `rnk nhb jhntcbr. M` wcjt M sjw wjs wcjt M sjw M wnufe ib
wcjt M sjw jhe jhy ban nr sbhsb n` sbf` wnufe emssmpjtb mkkbemjtbfy. Mh
nrebr `nr nhb tn dhnw tcysbf`, mt kust cjppbh tcjt tcbrb ms j
em``brbhob ibtwbbh tcbmrnwh mhtbrhjf jhe bxtbrhjf wnrfe.
Ucb nhfy tcmha, js M sjme, tcjt ms onhstjht, ms tcb fjod n` ane, n` jh
jisnfutb4 tcms vnme, trufy, ms nur aumemha fmact ibojusb mt ms btbrhjf
jhe ms tcb nhfy tcmha tcjt rbjffy ms wcjt mt ms.
Jisbhob mhstmajtbs hbbe, tcus, ky rbjotmnhs tn rbjfmty kmact ocjhab
tcnuac wcjt stmrrbe tcbk mh ky nwh onhsomnus kmhe ms `nrbvbr tcb sjkb.
Mh ntcbr wnres, hntcmhahbss ms ane, ane ms hntcmha, ane enbs hnt bxmst
ibojusb hnhbxmstbhob ms tcb nhfy jisnfutb jhe, knrbnvbr, tn spbjd
ifuhtfy, ms tcb nhfy tcmha M ojh tcmhd n` tcjt ms intc joourjtb jhe
vjrmjifb, stjtmo jhe eyhjkmo, ibojusb cnw, qumtb fmtbrjffy, bvbrytcmha,bvbry aneejkh tcmha, rbjots tn tcms btbrhjf vnmewcmoc, tn sjy mt
jajmh, wmff jfwjys ib j em``brbht rbjotmnh, uhtrustwnrtcy, tbhunus, jhe
knst n` jff fmjifb tn ocjhabms js mkpnrtjht j pjrt n` tcb vnme js tcb
vnme mtsbf`. Jhe tcms systbk, tcms jisure systbk, sjefy, ms hn lndb,
jhe ms n` onursb hn arbjthbss.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
mts lust js rbjf tn tcmhd smkpfmomty mhtn onkpfmojtmnh. bjoc
onkpfbxmty ojh stjhe jfnhb js mts nwh nrmamhjtmha tcnuact, m` nhfy wb
wbrb hnt stuod mh tmkb jhe onhtbxt. tcb onkpfmojtmnh ms js trub, js
kuoc jh nrmamh, js tcb smkpfb, jhe wcmoc pbrtjmhs tn snkbtcmha hnt
uhfmdb, mh hjturb, snkbtcmha n` j stjrtmha-pnmht, pntbhtmjf bhbray, jhe
fnst dmhbtmo tcb ifur, `nr ynur sjdb `mffbe mh wmtc ntcbr tcnuacts tcjt
kmact cjvb ibbh js bqujffy smkpfb, cje tcby hnt stjrtbe snkbwcbrb bfsb.
smkpfmomty ms j kjttbr n` ibamhhmha, j kjttbr n` tcb cjfn uhebrhbjtc
tcb cbje, tcb nhb jinvb, ntcbrs sbb, jhe wb ojht, sn ynu ojh sbb ynur
nwh em``brmha spbomjfhbss mh nur afnwmha ojusb, `nrob, nursbfvbs ifmhe
tn nur nwh, ibcnfemha smkpfmomtmbs bvbrywcbrb, cjhamha jinut tcb hbod
fmdb jh jfijtrnss. wb pfjob tcb ejtb n` j tcnuact mh onhluhotmnh wmtc
wcjt bxpbrmbhob ib`nrbcjhe, hbvbr tcmhd wb kmact cjvb onhsomnusfy put
nursbfvbs mh tcjt bxpbrmbhob sn js tn cjvb tcb tcnuact. sn tcbh, M sjy
tcjt M cjvb ibbh cbjrtirndbh ib`nrb, sbb mt nrmamh (js hnt kysbf`) n`
irnnemha, jhe stnmomsks arjob rbvnfts jajmhst tcb onkkmttbe kjh tn cms
fnvbs bxpjhsbbxpjhsb ibmha tcb onkpfmojtmnh tn stndb us `mff tcb vnme
wcbh wbrb onh`usbefmdb j dmhefy ijfjhob, jh jro n` fm`b, j stnry, nr
snkb sje Wbtrjrocjh snha.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Bpcbkbrjfmty. _cnufe M dhnw bxjotfy wcjt M jk tjfdmha jinut> Qcbh M wjs
nh ifnw bvbry tcnuact mh ky cbje fjodbe mkpfmojtmnh4 sn tcbh bvbry
tcnuact M cje wjs wcjt mt wjs. Ucbrb wjs hntcmha knrb tn abt ibojusb M
onufeht sbb ibynhe tcb tcnuact M wjs cjvmha mhtn tcb tcnuact M wnufe
cjvb cje cje M hnt ibbh nh ifnw. Mh j wjy mt wjs fmdb jh mhtbffbotujf
stjahjtmnh. Ky irjmh fjodbe tcb jkimtmnh tn an tn j fbvbf mt wjs
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
25/174
uhonk`nrtjifb mh mhcjimtmha jhe rjtcbr mhcjimtbe, stjahjtbe, wmtcmh
wcjtbvbr onhobpt nr sbrmbs n` mebjs uhonk`nrtjify.
Rhonk`nrtjifb, ibojusb tcms wjs hnt cnw mt usujffy wjs. Ucmhas wbrbht
tcjt smkpfb. Ucbrb wjs jfwjys knrb tn jh mebj tcjh M onufe mkkbemjtbfy
`jtcnk. Ucb trub cbff ms tn ib mh j pfjob fmdb tcms iut mh-ibtwbbh nhb
mebj, onhobpt, jhe jhntcbr. _n tcjt nhb, M, ms, jk mh tcb kmest n`
onh`usmnh, jhe, `rmactbhmhafy, tcb QNYFE ibonkbs onh`usmnh, ibojusb tcb
`uaub ms tcb `uaub ms tcb `uaub jhe tcbrb ms hn fnhabr j hbbe tn
uhebrstjhe jhe scjpb j tcnuact.
Ucb tcnuact mtsbf` enbs hnt prbsbht tn ynu, kb, knrb tcjt mt onufe ib
jhe ms rjtcbr, js M sjme, wcjt mt ms. _n mh ntcbr wnres, tcb jistrjot
ibonkbs onhorbtb. Mkjamhb jh jhmkjf, jhy jhmkjf, sueebhfy ifbssbe wmtc
dhnwfbeab n` mts bxmstbhob iut hnt jh uhebrstjhemha n` wcjt tcjt
bhtjmfs. Amvb jhy jhmkjf jh jimfmty tn ib jwjrb n` jistrjot tcmhas
wmtcnut jh jimfmty tn uhebrstjhe jistrjot tcmhas jhe `mhe tcjt jhmkjf
btbrhjffy tnrturbe.
Ucms ms cbff ibojusb ynur, ky, kmhe, jt pnmhts fmdb tcbsb ms mh j knst
jistrjot pfjob jhe ybt, uhfmdb jistrjotmnh, cnw ynu, M, pbrobmvb mt msvbry kuoc onhorbtb, ms mh hn hbbe n` bxpjhemha mhtn snkbtcmha knrb
mffukmhjtmha,wcmoc, mrnhmojffy, wnufe mhvnfvb j snrt n` onhobpt-
`uturmty nr cnpb `nr ofjrmty nr jt tcb fbjst rbonhomfbkbht tcjt onufe
nhfy onkb mh bkirjomha tcb ifur n` tcnuacts jhe fmactmha up tcjt `uaub
vmj knrb `uaub.
Wbrcjps nhb wjy tn en mt ms tn `nffnw onh`usmnh wmtc ebbpbr onh`usmnh
tcjt iy onhtrjst mffukmhjtbs nr rjtcbr cmacfmacts tcb spnts n` ofjrmty,
mh wcjtbvbr tcnuact prbvmnus. Iut tcms ojhhnt cjppbh m` ynurb yjddbe
nut, ibojusb. N` onursb. Nhbs. Ky. Urjmh n` tcnuact smkpfm`mbs mhtn
wcjtbvbr mhcjimts ky kmhe jt tcb tmkb jhe tcbrb ms hn ifurry mebjf n`
trjhsobhebhob tn sfnuoc tnwjres, hn mkpfmojtmnh tn ofjrm`y, hn `uturb
`nr tcb tcnuact. Mh j wjy, ifnw ojh rni j kmhe n` pnbtmos, ojh fbjvb j
trjmh n` tcnuact js hn suoc trjmh, js cnpbfbss jhe kbjarb, js j fjpsb
erueabe tn fm`bfbss `uodmha fm`b.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Iut nhb kust dhnw wcjt M jk trymha tn en wmtc fjhaujab cbrb. _n M wmff
tbff ynu tcjt tnn.
Abhbrjffy spbjdmha, mt ms jh jttbkpt tn scnw pbnpfb tcb em``brbhob
ibtwbbh wnres js tcby jrb uhebrstnne, jhe wnres js tn cnw tcby `bbf,
iut mh j sbhsb n` j pnbtmo dmhe n` rbjsnhmha, rjtcbr tcjh purbfy pnbtmo
mkjabs, kbemtjtmnhs, trnpbs. Mt ms pnbtry-js-pcmfnsnpcmojf, nr pnbtry
onkprmsbe snfbfy n` tcnuacts, jt fbjst, mh j `bw ojsbs. Mt ms mh sn
kjhy wnres vmbwmha pnbtry js cjvmha mts nwh `nrk n` fnamo jhywjy,ebspmtb tcb jisbhob n` strmotfy pnbtmo, onh`bssmnhjf nr jhboentjf
onhtbht.
Mt ms ky nwh `nrk n` rbjsnh emspfjybe mh j emotmnh tcjt ms, tn kb, j
onkkuhmojtmnh< M js jh mhemrbot kbemuk, jhe tcb snuf n` kysbf`
pnrtrjybehnt js j onhtrjemotmnh mtsbf`, tcnuac pbrcjps js nhb nhob
trjhsfjtbe. M fmdbh mt tn pbrcjps ebsormimha tcb mhvmsmifb.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
26/174
M` wcjt ms mh kb ojhhnt ib eb`mhbe tcbh mh trjhsfjtmha tcjt M jk ofnsbr
tn wcjt mt ms nh mts nwh js j onhobpt, iut M jk fbss tcb kjhm`bstjtmnh
n` wcjt mt ms nh mts nwh. Cnwbvbr tcms wbjvb ms hnt kjeb wmtc j
skjttbrmha n` onhtrjemotnry stjtbkbhts nr kbjhmhafbss mkjabry, tn
mhemojtb tcb uh`jtcnkjifbiut mhstbje, mt ms rjab, rjwhbss, ifmss,
onh`usmnh, knrbnvbr, tcb cnpbfbss trjabey n` ky pursumt mh
ebonhstruotmha mt. Cnwbvbr
tcjt M suspbot, ms hnt nhfy cjrk`uf, iut `utmfb. Ebonhstruotmha tcb
snuf.
Ybjffy, M wnufe en ibttbr tn wmpb tcb wnre snuf n`` tcb `job n` tcb
pfjhbt, cjvb pbnpfb dhnw wcjtbvbr mt wbrb tn tcbk mkpfmomtfy, jhe
wmtcnut j hjkb, nr bvbh wnres nh mt. Iut hn abhbrjtmnh onufe jhe wb
stmff ojhhnt vmvmefy sbb bhnuac jhe dhnw tcms btbrhmty mh nursbfvbs
bhnuac jt fbjst (js mt scnufe ib) tn fbjvb mt wmtcnut j rb`brbht jifb
tn ib jodhnwfbeabe. M` wb dhbw vmvmefy (tcnuac mkpfmomtfy) tcb hjturb
n` wcjt ms mh us tcjt ms uhhjkbe, wb js pbnpfb wnufe `mhe mt qumtb
cjrk`uf tn jsormib jhytcmha bjrtcfy tcjt uhhjkbe tcmha.
Mt scnufe ib hntbe, tnn, tcjt wnres tcbksbfvbs jrb bjrtcfy, jhefjhaujab ms. Jhe tcms ms tcb nhfy onhtrjemotmnh4 tcjt tcb jraukbht n`
tcbsb pnbks, js j wcnfb pbrspbotmvb, ms snuhe, cjs tn en wmtc j
rbonahmtmnh n` tcms vbry emvmeb, mkpfmomtfy nr bxpfmomtfy. Qcbtcbr tcms
ms j `fjw nr kbrbfy tcb wjy tcmhas jrb wbff M ibfmbvb, mt ms tcb
wjy tcmhas jrb.
Js M jk swm`tfy emsonvbrmha, ky nhfy suilbot bvbr cjs ibbh tcb snuf.
Kmhb4 jhe tcb mebj n` mt mh ntcbrs. Iut tn bvbh bxprbss tcb snuf js jh
mebj ms `jufty. @nr M ojhhnt dhnw tcb snuf n` jhntcbr js M wnufe kmhb.
M` M trmbe ky cjhe jt mt, M wnufe prnijify ijsb wcjtbvbr onh`fjtbe
mebj n` tcb snuf M cjvb n`` n` ky nwh js j abhbrjf pfjt`nrk nh wcmoc
tn lueab tcms. Jhe M wnufe rjtcbr sjy mt ms hnt tcbrb, mh tcnsb ntcbrs,
js kuoc js tn ntcbrs mt ms hnt tcbrb mh kysbf`. Ibojusb mt msht.
Jt fbjst, nhbs pbrobptmnh n` mt msht. Hnt bvbh ky nwh. Iut js ynu
wmff sbb, nr rjtcbr js M wmff tbff ynu, pbrobptmnh cjs hntcmha tn en
wmtc wcjts btbrhjf, btbrhjffy purb, mh pbnpfb.
Mhebbe, suoc ms tcb ojsb wmtc, bvbh, ynu, js tn tcb pnmht n` vmbw n`
sbbmha kb js jhytcmha iut `fbsc, iney, kmhe.
_n tcbh, tcb snuf eb`mbs fnamo. Mt rb`usbs onkkuhmojtmnh wmtc jhytcmha
bjrtcfy mh tcms.
M tcmhd n` wcjt M jk sjymha mh tcb onhtbxt n` wnrd M cjvb enhb mh tcb
pjst. Wbrcjps, m` pbnpfb ajvb tcbksbfvbs tn jh uhbjrtcfy rbjsnhmha,
tcby kmact ibttbr sbb wcjt mt ms mh tcbk tcjt ms suifmkb.
Ucms tjdbs jh bhrjpturmha prmhompfb, cnwbvbr, jhe tcjts wcy jrt ms
mkpnrtjht. Mt `bbes tcb mkpjtmbhob wmtc trutc tcnsb, jhe kysbf`, cjvb,
iy scrnuemha mt mh j stnryfmhb, nr mkjabry. Ky pnbtry, cbrb, ms jh
jttbkpt tn fm`t tcjt scrnue4 js M sjme, tcb wnres bxprbss nhfy tcb
fnamo n` pnbtry jt fjrab, jt mts ijsb. Jhe tcjt ms wcy M tcmhd nh j
pcmfnfnamojf, ormtmojf fbvbf tcbsb rbobht wnres n` kmhb jrb mkpnrtjht.
Ibojusb, tcby bhrjpturb, ybs, mh j em``brbht wjy.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
27/174
Mt ms smkpfb bhnuac tn sjy, ]nu sbb tcmhas tcms wjy4 M sbb tcbk
jhntcbr. Fnnd jt intc smebs.
Iut rbajremha tcbsnufn` j kjh nr wnkjh tcms ms mkpnssmifb. Ucb snuf,
mhebbe, cjs hn ocnmob iut tn sbb wcjt mt sbbs js wcjt mt sbbs, wcmoc ms
wcyjhe, rbarbttjify, M kust rbfbht tn jh mebj n` mt mh nrebr tn stjtb
ky pnmhtmt ms uhrbjocjifb, uhrbjocjifb, iy jhy stjhejre n`
pbrspbotmvb, pbrobptmnh, rbtrnspbot, bt jf. Mt ms tcjt Btbrhjf _bf`
tcjt Dmbrdbajjre sjw jhe wcmoc ms jpjrt `rnk jff n` tcbsb, pbrcjps
jhytcmha mhvnfvmha j pbrmne n` tmkb jt jff. Rhwjvbrmha, stuiinrh. Mt
ojhhnt ib tnuocbe nr mh`fubhobe.
Ucb snuf bxmsts uhmqubfy mh bjoc pbrsnh4 sn tcbh tcbrb ms hn mebhtmty
tn mt hnr eb`mhmtmnh, sn sbhsmtmvb mt ms, js wb orjefb mt mh nur cjhes,
fmdb j ocmfetn tcb scjrp stmha n` ojtbanrmojf tcnuacts, bkpmrmojf
pnstufjtbs. Ucnuacts j`tbr jff jrb j rbkjrd nh wcjt ms nisbrvbe4 mh jhy
ojsb, tcb snuf ms hnt tn ib sbbh tcbrb. Jhe tcjt ms tcb onh`fmot cbrb
prbsbhtbe< hjkbfbsshbss tcrniimha mh ky aut, jsdmha `nr j hjkb, jhe
rblbotmha bvbry nhb M amvb.
Ucms fbhes nhb tn tcmhd n` tcbksbfvbs js uhcjppy, iut M prb`br tn sbb
mt js j kuftm-fjybrbe, mh`mhmtb hbajtmnh. J wbjftc n` Hjy! tcjt M mh ky
snuf wmff uhenuitjify pursub tn mts ]bj! jhe `rnk tcbrb nh tn tcb hbxt
Hjy M onkb jornss.
Ucjt ms, tcbrb wmff jfwjys ib snkbtcmha M rbonahmzb mh bjoc pnmht M
kjdb, upnh knvmha nh tn jhntcbr, tcjt emahm`mbs jt tcb fbjst tcb hntmnh
M cje vmsmtbe, `nr j tmkb. Bjoc n` tcb cjf`-tcnuacts, cjf`-mebjs, nhfy
bxprbss tcb ofnsbst tcmha j snuf ojh abt tn mh wnres< sbourbfy ibtwbbh,
purb nut n` jh mahnrjhob n` mkpurb eb`mhmha. Mt ms hnt jh mh`fjtbe,
fn`ty pcmfnsnpcmojf emsonvbry M onkkmt tn mh tcms iut jh jpprbomjtmnh
n` tcb kbocjhmsk n` ky nwh snuf, wcmoc ms tn swbrvb jwjy `rnk tcb knst
pnssmifb tn tcb fbjst pnssmifb mh tcb scnrtbst spjob. Mts ojffbe
pnbtmo ornssmha. Jhe js wbff js jh jrtmst mt ms ky euty tn irmha snkb
n` mt wmtc kb, nrajhmzb j `bw pnmhts, jhe kjdb tcb scjpb.
Un tcmhd, bvbh, tcjt nhb cjs eb`mhbe tcbmr nwh snuf cjs put mt tn ije
usb4 tcms ms suoc j cmacfy rbajrebe ibfmb` tcjt M enht tcmhd jhynhb,
bvbh jtcbmsts, wnufe sjy ntcbrwmsb jinut mt. Ucbmr snuf ms j psyocnfnay
tcjt ms lust js trub js tn mts ibmha uh`jtcnkjifb.
M ibfmbvb snkbtcmha sn nutstjhemha jhe rmactbnus wnufe ib hn ntcbr wjy,
wmtcnut j `bbfmha n` smkmfjrmty sbttfmha mh js tn mheufab tcb `bjr n`
pnwbrfbsshbss. Ucjt ms, tcjt wb upnh vmbwmha ofbjrfy (cypntcbtmojffy)
jhntcbrs snuf tcb sjkb js nurs kmact bmtcbr ib `rmactbhbe tcjt wb cjvb
ibbh snkbnhb wcnk wb jrb hnt jff tcms tmkb4 nr tcjt tcb mhhbr wjys n`
kjh jrb bxprbssfy fmkmtbe tn j sbt n` snufs, wcmoc M `mheprbpnstbrnus.
_n tcbh mh tcms vjrmbajtmnh M ojhhnt sjy jhy snuf bxmsts ibsmebs ky nwh
ibojusb mt ms wcjt onfnrs ky bybs, ky tnuoc, ky sbhsbs. Mt ifbbes
tcrnuac kb jhe ibojusb n` tcms ms ky mkkbemjtb jhe knrbnvbr stjtmo
QNYFE. _n tcbh mt ms mkkbemjtb, iut hnt `fbbtmha. Nh tcb onhtrjry< M
ojh sjy n` ky nwhsnuftcjtmtms uhocjhamha, jhe bxmsts nhfy `nr kb
tnhnt usbiut `bbf jhe jot nh.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
28/174
M cjvb `bft jhe jotbe tcus mh tcbsb wnrds, tcbh M ibfmbvb M cjvb.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
29/174
Nee `maurbspbrcjps tbh nr twbhtyarnupbe rbstfbss, wmtfbss nh tcb
irnje kjrabht n` tcjt rmvbr stjhe mh tcbmr nee wjy jhe ofmod nut hnmsbs
wcmoc onkb nut tcb ery `fub n` tcbmr tcrnjts js fmdb snkbwcjt tnrturbe
snuhes nr snuhes tnrturbe tn fm`bwrbstbe uafmfy tn fm`b.
Ucb nee `maurbs nr tcmhas stjhe mh tcb sfbw n` tcb lbtsjk onkb wjemha
n`` tcjt rmvbrs bhefbsshbss. Ucbmr kjeb snuhe ms onkkuhmojtmvb n` j
tcrbjt cnwbvbr wcjt mt ms tcbsb ifub vjajrmbs dhnw n` tcjt ms
tcrbjtbhmha ms hnt tn ib ebtbrkmhbe. Ucb ofmodmha ms ybt rjtcbr wmfe
wmtc tcb `rbbenk n` pbjob, n` dhnwmha pbjob. Ucjt rmvbr `fnws fmdb
afjss tn j ima pfjob mh tcb emstjhob hnt tn ib pbrobmvbe wcmoc ms wcy
fmdb afjss mt enbs hnt sbbk tn knvb.
Ucmhas emvb mh tcbrb jhe an cmttmha n`` tcb smebs. Ucmhas cmt n`` tcb
smebs jhe rmonocbt kjefy uhtmf bhtbrmha j orjod mh tcb afjss. Mh
bhtbrmha tcb kurd n` tcjt stjtmo pnnf, tcjt rmvbr, wcjtbvbr cje
rmonocbtbe wmff an wjy enwh tn tcb inttnk n` mt. Jhe wcjt stjhes tcbrb
nh tcb kjrabht `bbfmha tcb fjppmha n` tcb sjhe jhe tcbh emvbs mhtn j
rmvbr ybt uhknvmha jhe arnss m` tjdbh mh tn kbjh tcb eyhjkmsk n` jff
rmvbrs jhe onh`fubhobs wmff an n`` mhtn tcb emsjppbjrmha tcmodhbss n`mt jhe hbvbr rbturh.
Ucbrb ms j fmhb n` kbh nr tn sjy mt knrb joourjtbfy `maurbs wcnk nhb n`
tcms wnrfe abts tcb `bbfmha n` dhnwmha wbff jhe ybt tcby jrb
uhjpprnjocjifb js nhbs hnnh-scjenw scbe nh tcb arnuhe ms tcbk jhe ybt
hnt tcbk. Bjoc kjh tjdbs cms pfjob jknha tcb stnhbs jhe bjoc kjh ms j
`maurb jhe bjoc stnhb sknntc jhe tnhsmf-fmdb vbry kuoc rbkmhmsobht n`
arjvbs.
Nhb nut n` tcbk orjwfs tcrnuac tcb stnhbs jhe scjpbs jh jrrnyn mh tcb
kue tn ermhd `rnk. Jhe tcbh js tcnuac tcjt wbrb jrimtbr n` snkb ocjhab
mh tcb uhmvbrsb tcb ejy anbs fjuacmha mhtn tcb purb kjramhs n` tcjt
`mrkjkbht ibynhe tcb ejk, ewbft fmdb j rbe, `fjarjht dmss arnwh skjffbr
wmtc jhntcbr ejys cmssmha nut jhe tcbh ejrdhbss. Iut tcb hmact onkbs
tnn jhe knrb jrb `nuhe tn pbnpfb tcb scjenws onkb jajmhst tcb iusc,
knrb kbh tn ema mh tcb kue jhe tbhe tn tcmrst jhe emb `mhjffy jhe `nr
jff tmkb ibtwbbh tcb stnhbs.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ucbrb ms j em``brbhob ibtwbbh jh jisure systbk jhe jisure jrt jhe tcbrb
ms j em``brbhob ibtwbbh j pcmfnsnpcy n` fnamojf bhtrjpkbht jhe snkbsuoc
nhb n`---rbebkptmnh. Ybajremha tcb fjttbr pjrt n` tcms mhourrmha
pcmfnsnpcmojf kbtcne< mh intc nhb kust rufb nut obrtjmh bfbkbhts. Iut
mt ms cnw ynu rufb tcbk nut wcmoc ebtbrkmhbs wcbtcbr ynu ennk fm`b tn
mts prmkjry kbjhmha nr emstmf j tcmha tn mts bxofusmvb purpnsb.
Ybajremha tcb `nrkbr mhourrmha twn em``brbht pfjhbs n` jisuremty< mh
intc tcbrb ms jh cypntcbsms ijsbe mh tcb mebj n` onrrbotmnh, tcjt
snkbtcmha ms wrnha4 wcjt ms tn ib fbjrhbe ms wcy wb jrb jifb tn dhnw mt
js wrnha,---jhe, knrbnvbr, cnw M, tcb wrmtbr n` tcbsb wnres, ojh
mkpfmomtfy rbfjtb tn wcjtbvbr "mt" ms, jhe ybt M en hnt dhnw bxjotfy
wcjt "mt" ms.
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
30/174
Ucrnuac jh bkptymha n` ofuttbr, wb joqumbsob tn tcb mebj tcjt ofuttbr
tcbrb ms tn ib rme n`---tcjt tcbrb jrb uhhbobssjry pjrts tn tcb wcnfb
js tcbrb kmact ib uhhbobssjry mebjs mh nur kmhes. Iut jh uhhbobssjry
mebj ms ijsbe nhfy mh cnw mt ms uftmkjtbfy rbobmvbe4 mt ms j kjttbr `nr
tcb cmstnry innds, qumtb fmtbrjffy. Mh tcb sjkb wjy j kmhutb pjssbs jhe
ms bmtcbr jisnribe mhtn `nrabttmha nr rbkbkibrbe ybt tbhunusfy. Ucb
mebj tcjt tcmhas ojh an tn tcb wjysmeb ms wcjt rmfbs up mh us tcb
sbhtmkbhts n` tcb jisure. Mhebbe, jh mkpbrkjhbht stjhepnmht rbajremha
tcb wjy n` sbhsb mh j QNYFE ruh iy tcb kbarmks n` cukjh `bbfmha ms knst
uhfuody `nr us, wcn wjht hntcmha knrb tcjh tn qujfm`y jh jisnfutb vmj
jh jisnfutb, uhocjhamha, uhymbfemha, kbromfbss kbtcne.
Iut ms hnt j `utmfb bxmstbhob bxmstbhob bhnuac> N`` n` wcjt en wb ajuab
nur nwh emssjtms`jotmnh wmtc fm`b> Qcjt kust ib onrrbotbe ibsmebs j
rb`usjf tn joobpt tcb trutc n` nur smtujtmnh> Hnt kuoc. J rbebkptmvb
pcmfnsnpcmojf sbjroc fbjes nhb `rnk bmtcbr tcb suilbotmvb tn tcb
nilbotmvb, nr tcb nilbotmvb tn tcb suilbotmvb. Cnwbvbr, mh hn ojsb ojh
tcbrb cjvb ibbh jh bxpfmomt lnurhby tnwjres jh bxpfmomt jisnfutb. Mh
tcb sjkb wjy, j irnje stjtbkbht kmact ib uhebrstnne iy tcb sjybr mh j
wjy mt kmact hnt ib iy tcb fmstbhbr.
Nhb ojh bjsmfy kjhm`bst jh npmhmnh nut n` tcbmr nwh sbkjhtmojf
jptmtuebs mh rjvbfmha bffmpsbs jhe wnrepfjy jhe ybt tcjt ms tcb wnrst
strjtbay tn usb tn rme nhbsbf` n` tcb ocj``. Mh suoc j wjy, nhb ruhs
tcb rmsd n` tcrnwmha tcbksbfvbs nut wmtc wcjt tcby tcmhd ms hbbefbss,
sn tmbe tcby jrb tn tcb pnbtry n` tcbmr jraukbht tcjt tcby curf tcbmr
nwh mebhtmty mhtn nifmvmnh `nr tcb sjdb n` mrnhy, jhe fbjvb wcjt onufe
cjvb ibbh sjme tn ib puzzfbe nvbr iy ntcbrs, wcn mh tcbmr turh jrb
fmdbwmsb curfbe. Ucjt ms tn sjy, wb jrb jff pnbts, jhe wcjt tnuocbs us
jinut tcb QNYFE ms wcjt ms pnbtmojf jinut tcb QNYFE.
Jh jisure systbk ms ijsbe mh rbjfmty4 jisure jrt ms j ifjtjht, jhe
tcbrbiy pnbtmo, ebhmjf n` tcb trutc. Ucms jppfmbs intc `maurjtmvbfy jhe
fmtbrjffy. Ucb mebj tcjt wb jrb jfnhb mh tcb uhmvbrsb ms jrt`uf mh tcjt
mt rb`fbots tcb `bbfmha n` jh mhemvmeujf jfmbhjtmnh `rnk ntcbrs. Mt ms
pnbtmo ibojusb wb jrb jifb tn rbfjtb tn j fjrabr sonpb n` tcmhas iy
kbjhs n` jh jtnkmo sonpb4 tcjt ms, nursbfvbs.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
M cjvb `bft snkbtcmha n` ocjns mh tcb wmhe. Iut m` M dhbw nhob m` jt
jff wcjt pnssbssbe jmr tn knvb M en hnt dhnw hnw.
Ucms ms jh jmrfbss pfjob. Onkprbssbe, ejkp. Qcjt M tcnuact M uhebrstnne
ms uhebrstnne jhe ybt mt ms sn kuoc ifjhdhbss jajmhst knrb pjfb vnme.
Jhe ybt hjturb ms hn pnvbrty mt ms M wcn fjod tcb wnres. M` tcbrb wbrb
suoc j tcmha js fm`b M wnufe nhfy tnn bjsmfy jsormib kbjhmha tn tcb jmr
M irbjtcb.
Qmhe ocjhabs emrbotmnh tcnuac jhe sn tcbh M en hnt cjvb kuoc tn sjy
ibsmebs tcjt M wnufe rjtcbr ib nr ynu dhnw bxmst mh j vjouuk m` nhfy
`nr tcb sjdb n` pbrspbotmvb. M` nhfy `nr tcb sjdb n` dhnwmha tcjt M
hbbe jmr tn knvb jhe ocjhab jhe hbbe tn `bbf tcms kntmnh jhe mts bvbr-
jftbrmha vbfnomtmbs.
Un ib cbrkbtmojffy sbjfbe ms tn ib sj`b mhebbe cnwbvbr M jk ibonkb knrb
nisbssbe mh tcb ocjns js n` fjtb jhe fmdb tn bxprbss suoc tcmhas mh j
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
31/174
kjhhbrbe wjy sn tcjt M kjy jt fbjst sbb tcms onhtrjst mh jmrfbss
fjhaujab, m` M ojhhnt ib rniibe n` wmhe.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ucbrb ms ibjuty pbrcjps snkbwcbrb mh tcms hbajtmvb jhe _pjrtjh wnrfe
jhe mt ms stmff tn bdb nut mh `uff ijod tnwjres jh bqujffy `uff
nppnsmtb-js-pbjob tcjt wmff jssurbefy ib anttbh mhsn`jr js mt ojh ib
rbebbkbe iy tcb jrenr n` j tcmha anhb, prbsbhtfy ocjsbe4 prbsbhtfy, tn
ib ocjsbe, prbsbhtfy tn wbjr tcb snfbs n` nhbs twn `bbtirmttfb wmtc
ojffus.
Jhe mt ms mh tcb wnrfe, mt onufe nhfy ib pnssmifb mh tcms wnrfe tcjt
wcjt nhb sbbs js huki jamtjtmnh nr pbrcjps j stjtmo `mt n` tcb irjmh
rbhebrs mtsbf` ofbjrbr m` mh j pnbtmo wjy.
Jhe sjefy jhe jiruptfy jhe irmb`fy bxpnsmha mts `rjmftmbs, tcms
ibjutm`uf fmstfbsshbssjs nhb spbjds n` mtruhs n``, jhe nhb ms fb`t
uh`bbfmha.
Jhe sn nhb stjrts tn ocjsb mt, kjefy, sn js tn rbturh tn j pfjob, jhypfjob,jhy snurob `rnk wcbhob tcms wbjd nr tn sjy mt ibttbr, abhtfb
tcbkb n` fmstfbsshbss cje onhtrmvbe mtsbf` `nrwjre jhe nh tn ib kjeb
sbhsbfbss jhe mhsmahm`mojht iy tcb ojprmob jhe iuodfmha n` nhbsnwh
pbrsnhjf spcbrb n` rbpbtmtmnus `uodmha bkntmnhs.
Ucms fjssmtueb, bhhumwcjtbvbr ynu wnufe fmdb tn ojff mt, mt ms, cjs,
wmff rufb.
Ibojusb, smkpfy, nhb cjs fbt mt rufb sn fnha jhe cjs rnusbe tn fm`b sn
kuoc n` mt tcjt mt sbbks dmhe n` tcjt nhb cjs jftbrbe mh tcb `job n`
snkb ij``fbkbhtfmdb rbobmvmha wmhecbr nwh pjssmnhs, pjfb jhe strmodbh
iy tcb oursb n` tcjt wmhe4 tcjt rjtcbr nhb cjs ibonkb tcb nhb wcn hnw
dhnws cb ojhhnt, wmff hnt, fbt suoc j tcmha ebpjrt, `nr `bjr n` tcb
uafmhbss mt kmact cjvb scrnuebe `nr jff tcjt tmkb,`nr `bjr, ybs, n`
wcjt cje ewmhefbe nhob nhb cje fbt tcjt fmstfbsshbss ib tcb wcnfb n`
tcbksbf`.
_n, tcbh, nhb stjys nh wmtc mt, fmdb jh mrrmtjtmha fnvbr n` snkb tmkb,
jhe wcnk wmtc snkb tmkb fnsbs j scjeb tn cbr neemty jhe mh j shjp n`
`mhabrs ms mhstbje jff tcb rbomprnojtbe cje ebsmrbe, m` nhfy ibojusb
tcb fnvb amvbh ms onhsmstbhtfy rbturhbeenwh intc strbbtstcnuac nhob
js jfmbh j rbjotmnh tn tcb ifustbrs n` j wmhey irjmh js hn rbjotmnh jt
jff nr kjyib j pjrjffbf bxpbotbehbss `nrbvbr inuhomha n`` mtsbf` iut
hbvbr mhtn j prnpbr nifmvmnh.
Js m` nhb rbjotbe tn j fmhbjr hntcmhahbss n`tcbmrnwh enuifb.
_n fmstfbsshbss cjs ibbh nhbs cjimtjtmnh jhe ms onuocbe mh bjoc pnrb,
wcbtcbr mt ms jh npbh pnrb nr ms tn rbkjmh nistruotbe iy tcb emrt n`
tcbmr mrrbfbvjht ibmha.
Nr pbrcjps mrrbfbvjht emrt wmtc j anne aust ernnpmha jhe `nffnwmha tcjt
jwjmtmha tcb rmact pmtoc tn arnjh mh tcb fnrh pjss n` j zbpcyr kmact
fnsb pjtmbhob jhe jfmact tcus `rnk mts pfjob mh tcb jtnk n` nhbs
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
32/174
rbhebrbe sdmhfmdb pfjstbr,jfwjys nh tcb vbrab n` j `mxmty tn ofna tcb
cnpb n` skjff `fbsc, pjrtmoufjr `fbsc, wmtc wcjt ms kbjh jhe cnpbfbss.
Nhb ms nhfy bvbr tcb ibmha tcby strnvb tn j``mrk4 tcb cnpb n` ibmha
jfmvb, fmdb tcbsb wnres, ms jh mebjf kjeb fjx, jhe hnt `mrk, hn, hnt sn
`mrk.
Iut nhb onhtmhubs, nhb arnws emarbssmnhs nut n` tcb `mrst tcmha4 tcb
`mrst, uhvjrhmscbe trutc jhe tn nvbr`mff tcms oup n` wbbpmha.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
M` jeemotmnh wbrb j emsbjsb mte ib jh bpmebkmo. Bvbrynhbs `uodbe up,
snkb pbnpfb lust fmdb abttmha `uodbe up knrb. Nr bvbrynhbs `uodbe up
tn stjrt wmtc pbnpfb lust fmdb abttmha `uodbe up js j wjy tn prbtbhe
tcby cjeht ibbh prbvmnusfy. _nkbtmkbs pbnpfb `bbe tcb ije smeb jhe
snkbtmkbs tcby `bbe tcb anne smeb cnwbvbr wcjts trub `nr j amvbh
jsscnfb wjfdmha tcb strbbts ms tcjt intc smebs jrb bqujffy tcbk. Mk
hnt sjymha bvbrynhb ms tcb sjkb rjtcbr tcjt bvbrynhb cjs trnuifb
rbonhomfmha snkbtcmha jinut tcbmr mebhtmty, snkbtcmha, jhytcmha4 jhe
tcms orbjtbs j wbeab ibtwbbh jff tcjt tcby rbjfmzb tcby jrb jhe bvbrytcnuact nr pjrt n` tcbksbf` nr tcnuact nh j pjrt n` tcbksbf` tcjt
ojhhnt onkb tn armps wmtc tcms mrrbonhomfmjifb tcmha jhe tcus ojhhnt
`uffy ib tcbrb, hnt `uffy MH tcb onhsomnus kmhe n` tcb amvbh jsscnfb,
jhe hnt tcbh mh j `uffy rbjf jhe iy bxtbhsmnh knrb joobptjifb wjy. _n
tcbh tcb wbeab ibonkbs tcb mrrbonhomfmjifb, tcb spfmt mh wcn ynu jrb4
jhe wcjtbvbr cje jt `mrst ibbh uhjoobptjifb ms hnw fjybrbe nvbr wmtc
kmffmnhs n` ntcbr tcmhas tcjt jrb js rbpuahjht, iut hnt js trufy
rbfjtbe tn wcjt cje stjrtbe ynu spmrjfmha. Mts `nousmha nh onffbotmha
tcb ifnne erjwh `rnk tcb wnuhe, rjtcbr tcjh nh stmtocmha up tcb wnuhe
mtsbf`. Bvbhtujffy ynu wmff `mhe ynursbf` ifnnefbss jhe tcb arnuhe
ibhbjtc ynur `bbt pjmhtbe rbe wmtc ynur wjstb, jff ynu cjvb fbt n`
ynursbf`
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Onkb ofnsb. Mk hnt cbrb iut M try tn ib. M` M wbrb jhytcmha knrb tcjh
wcjt ynu onufe kjdb pnssmifb tcbh M wbrb j tcmha tnn rmfbe iy tcb
onkprbssmnh n` wcjt M cjvb spbht sn kuoc tmkb jttbkptmha tn uh`nfe jhe
tcus emsmhtbarjtb. ]nu jrb wcjt cjs onkb mh jhe nut4 ynu jrb tcb
fbhatcy pjffnr M ermvb nvbr smahm`mojhob tn dbbp mt up. _n ynu onufe
tjfd jinut cnw wcjt wjs uhebrstnne wjs hnt rbjfmzbe hnr wcjt wjs tjfdbe
jinut vbry smahm`mojht. M try tn ib cbrb. M try tn ib cbrb hbxt tn ynur
fnamo. M mhcjimt jff jhe bvbrytcmha tcjt tcjt stjtbkbht ib`nrb tcb
onh`bssmnh tn onhhbot, ybs, tn onhhbot tn ynu, wcn rbjes tcms, jff
tcms, onkprbssbe mhtn, cmacfmactbe jhe smahm`mbe, wmtcnut j dhnwfbeab
n` wcjt kmact lust nr lust hnt ib uhmtbe, vbrmfy, vbrmfy, snkb mhtmkjoy
smkmfjrfy uhebrstnne, rbjfmzbe, wcjt cjvb ynu, iy snkbtcmha nutsmeb n`wcjt mt b``bots. M jk nutsmeb n` wcjt M b``bot iut nhfy mh tcjt M
rb`usb tn cjvb tcjt ib kb, jt fbjst hnw.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Mts jff pjabs hnw. Ky fm`b ms nhfy pjabs. Ucjts jff mt ms. Wjabs M
`fmp tcrnuac jhe `mhmsc wmtc. Iut tcbrb ms knrb tn kb tcjh tcjt. Mts
hnt tcjt tcbrb kust ib, mt ms tcjt tcbrb ms. M dhnw. M wmsc M onufe
cjvb `maurbe nut bxjotfy wcjt wjs mhbxprbssmifb jinut kb. Iut M suppnsb
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
33/174
tcjts wcy mts mhbxprbssmifb. M` M dhbw mt M bmtcbr wnufeht dhnw mt,
dhnw mt wrnhafy js tcb wrnha tcmha4 nr M wnufe bxprbss mt upnh tcb
emsonvbry jhe tcjt wnufe ib tcjt jhe M wnufe `mhe kysbf` ifjhd nhob
jajmh, tn ib `mffbe, fmdb pjabs, wmtc wnres tcjt jfwjys tbff kb wcjt
tcby ojhhnt bxprbss, wcjt M `jmf jt enmha. Jhe snkbcnw M tcmhd tcms ms
trjhsobhebht. Ybjffy M jk nhfy bkptymha kysbf` n` kbjhmha, knrb
kbjhmha, bvbry ejy. M tjdb wcjt M fbjrh jhe amvb mt tn tcb pjabs.
Kbjhwcmfb M onhtmhub tn rb`usb tn mhcjfb jhy kbjhmha `nr kysbf`, rb`usb
tn dbbp wcjt M fbjrh js kb rjtcbr tcjh js wnres. Wbrcjps tcb
mhbxprbssmifb tcmha jinut kb ms wcjt M cjvb ibonkb eub tn tcms
j``fmotmnh< kbjhmhafbss. Iut tcbh, mh bxprbssmha tcjt, M jk rme n`
tcjt, js wbff. _n tcbh M sjy tcjt jff tcms ms j pjod n` fmbs, ybjc, jhe
kjyib bvbrytcmha M cjvb bvbr bxtbrhjffy sjme mh bxtbrhjf wnres rb`fbots
hntcmha iut mtsbf`, bxmsts nutsmeb n` tcms emsqumbtbe pbrsnh tcjt M jk,
fnndmha mh nh j ifur, jhe knst mkpnrtjhtfy onkmha tn hn onhofusmnh jt
jff smhob wcjt M wrmtb ms wcjt M sbb, jhe wcjt M sbb n` kysbf` ms
ifurrbe, sn tcbh wcjt M wrmtb n` kysbf` ms j trjhsfjtmnh, j
trjhsfjtmnh, j emarbssmnh, jh btbrhjf bsojpb, js M sjme, `rnk eb`mhmha
wcjt M jk j`rjme tn eb`mhb jhe mhebbe wcjt ojht ib.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
34/174
Wjrt Ucrbb < Jhe _cmpwrbodbe Menfs
M `nffnw wmtc ky bybs tcb prnue jhe `utmfb wjdb. Qcmoc, js mt ibjrs kb
`rnk hn `jtcbrfjhe jwjy, ibjrs kb nhwjre tn hn scmpwrbod.
Ibodbtt mhvbhtbe tcb twbhtmbtc obhtury Wurajtnrmn js kuoc js Dj`dj ememts Mh`brhn, tcnuac tcb nutput n` intc wrmtbrs jrb eb`mhmtmvbfy
jisuremst fmtbrjturb. Ibodbtt dhbw cnw tn jsd tcb qubstmnh mhvjrmjify
wbff4 Dj`dj's jhswbr ms js `jr nut js cms ojstfb, wcmoc js D. hbjrs--jt
j turh mh tcb pjtc--kjamojffy, ij``fmhafy, rbturhs tn tcb sjkb emstjhob
`rnk cmk js mt cje ibbh. J stjtmo, uhocjhamha bxmstbhob ms jt tcb onrb
n` tcb vmsmnh n` intc wrmtbrs' wnrds, tcb em``brbhob ibmha tcjt Dj`dj's
QNYFE n` iurbjuorjtmo hnhsbhsb jhe jfmbhjtmnh ms, tcnuac kjmhtjmhmha j
sbhsb n` cnpb ibynhe cnpb, uttbrfy cbffmsc4 Ibodbtt's wnrd, tcnuac ejrd
jt tmkbs, jhe strjhab, ojh ib onkmo. Ucms ms hnt tn sjy tcjt Dj`dj ms
hnt `uhhy4 cb ms. Iut wcbrb Dj`dj's ocjrjotbrs jrb cukjh jhe en cukjh
tcmhas--bjt, ermhd, erbjk, fnvb, jhe, knst mkpnrtjhtfy, struaafb--
Ibodbtt's ocjrjotbrs jrb sojrobfy cukjh jt jff, jt fbjst j `bw. Ucby
sbbk knrb onkpnsmtbs n` tcb wrmtbr's onhsomnushbss, `maurbs, jhe tcb
struaafb tcjt ms tcbrb ms hnt tnwjres rbebkptmnh iut smfbhob. Ibodbtt'sKjffny ms onkpfbtbfy emspfjobe `rnk jhywcbrb jhe bvbrywcbrb--cjs hn
`jtcbrfjhe', sn tn spbjd--fmdb knst n` cms ocjrjotbrs, ms j wjhebrbr
wmtcnut j pfjob tn an. Nr, mh suoc jhe suoc j wjy, ms `nrbvbr ojuact mh
j sjvjabfy kbjhmhafbss mhbrtmj, ybt ms, tnn, sj`b mh tcb `jot n` hnt
dhnwmha hnr ojrmha tn dhnw tcb kbjhmha `nr dbbpmha nh wmtc cmksbf`, tcb
ebstmhjtmnh `nr cms lnurhby, hnr `rnk wcbhob cb ojkb, hnr tcb pnmht cb
ms jt hnw. Js tcb quntb ynu sbht kb ebknhstrjtbs, cnwbvbr, jt fbjst
ibmha wrjppbe mh tcms pjusb, tcms `mxbe purajtnry, tcms uhocjhamha
onhtmhuuk, tcms onkpfjobhoy--tcb onkpfjobhoy n` wjmtmha `nr tcjt wcmoc
kmact hbvbr onkb--ms ibttbr tcjh dhnwmha tcjt suoc j tcmha, jh jhswbr,
wmff hbvbr onkb. _n, tcbh, tn ib stuod ms tn ib sj`b, jhe tcbrb ms hn
'scmpwrbod'< tn `nrbvbr pusc tcb inufebr up tcb cmff ms ibst ibojusb mt
ms jff tcbrb ms, m` nur `jtb cjs jhytcmha tn sjy jinut tcms pbrpbtujfkjsqub. Jt fbjst tcbrb ms j sbbkmha kntmnh, j wjdb, j kbjhmha wmtcnut
kbjhmha, jh jhswbr wmtcnut j qubstmnh.
. . . . . . . .
"Qcjts rbkjrdjifb jinut nur prbsbht onhemtmnh, ms tcjt ynu ojh kjdb j
tjotmojf mhput nh ynur onkputbr, jhe m` enhb wmtc bhnuac sdmff tcb
nutput ojh ib, bvbh j ybjr nr twn fjtbr, tcb `uf`mffkbht n` ynur
strjtbamo anjfs. Ucms ms tn sjy, ynu wmff cjvb kjeb j tcnuact`nrk
kjhm`bst." - - _jkubf Ewybr
Qcjt abts kb up mh tcb knrhmha ms tcb mebj n` j hbw pmbob. Mts fmdb
sprnutmha j hbw fmki `rnk kysbf`4 mts j pjrt n` kb iut j hbw pjrt.
Ucjt bxomtbkbht ms wcjt abts kb tn wrmtb. Ucb kntmvjtmnh tn dbbp nh
enmha mt. Ucbrbrb eb`mhmtb `fjws, iut wcjt M cjvb fbjrhbe tn en ms
prmzb tcbk, jfknst fbjvbh tcbk tn snkbtcmha n` j hbbe`uf pfjob, j pfjob
wcbrb tcby kust ib `nr tcb pnbk tn ib. Ucb strjhab onhtbxtujf scm`ts,
pjrjtjxms, mt ms jff jh bkifbk `nr mhtbffbotujf tnys. Ucb onas tcjt
turh jhe turh, Ane pfjymha pmhnocfb. Ucjts cnw M jfwjys vmbwbe Qmffmjk
Ifjdb< tcb mh`mhmtb wcbbfs. Jhe tcjts wcjt M try tn en. _cm`t tcb jxms
n` j pnbk tcjt kjdbs nrebr nut n` ocjns jhe ocjns nut n` nrebr. Ucbrbs
anmha tn ib `uaub stjtbs4 lustfy, onhtmhunus bfnqubhob wnufe ib euff. M
-
8/12/2019 ALL AT NOTHING, [prose]
35/174
wmsc tn scjdb tcb arnuhe, rbjffy. Kjdb rbjfmty tbhunus. Ujdb tcb rbjebr
tn j pfjob n` snkb ntcbr, hbw rbjfmty. _n tn onkprbss< M onkb up wmtc
wnres tcjt `mt tcms euty. Cnw> Fnts n` on``bb. Jhe, b