Agricultural Research Service Office of Outreach, Diversity and Equal Opportunity

Cooperative Resolution Program

“An Introduction to Holding

Crucial Conversations”

Jeff Schmitt Alternative Dispute Resolution Specialist

May 30, 2012

United States Department of Agriculture

Early Resolution and Conciliation Division

Improve our communication skills in crucial conversations to get results

Understand our contribution

Learn and understand mechanisms to maintain safety, mutual respect and purpose

A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where:

- stakes are high

- opinions vary

- emotions run strong

The results have a large impact on the quality of your life.

Wanting to win/seeking revenge Hoping to remain safe Believing that we only have two choices Assuming that we know all we need to know Being so involved that it is nearly impossible to

gain a broad perspective

Blame is about judging (looking backward) Contribution is about understanding (looking

forward). What did we each do or not do, to get ourselves into this situation?

Contribution is easier to raise

Contribution encourages learning and change

I should focus only on my contribution Putting aside blame means putting aside my

feelings Exploring contribution means “Blaming the

victim”

Avoiding until now Being unapproachable Differences in background, preferences,

communication style, etc. Problematic role assumptions

The Law of Crucial Conversations:

Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations keeping you there. Identify the crucial conversations you’re not holding or not holding well, figure out where you’re going wrong, fix it, and get better at everything.

Content (one event)

Pattern (two events)

Relationship (more than two events)

Start with Heart Learn to Look MAKE IT SAFE Master my Stories STATE my Path Explore Others’ Paths Move to Action

Work on me, first Stay focused on what you really want to

accomplish Refuse the sucker’s choice

Don’t miss the signs Learn to look for silence or violence

silence (masking, avoiding, withdrawing) violence (controlling, labeling, attacking)

Learn to look for your own style under stress

Mutual Purpose

Mutual Respect

Dialogue cannot begin until Mutual Purpose exists

Without Mutual Purpose people will withhold meaning

Mutual Purpose is the foundation of trust Build Mutual Purpose

When safety breaks down mutual trust is violated

Dialogues ceases when respect is violated

ASK YOURSELF: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?

Apologize for your role in causing/not preventing pain or difficulty when appropriate

Contrast to fix misunderstandings Create Mutual Purpose (CRIB)

Imagine what others might erroneously conclude

Immediately explain that this is what you don’t mean

Explain what you do mean

Your boss is constantly giving you assignments by e-mail. You prefer to receive assignments face-to-face so you can ask questions and reset your priorities. Without personal contact you often end up switching priorities, and then wondering if you’ve chosen correctly. You don’t mind the new work – just the ambiguity. You need to talk about this.

You are meeting with a hardworking, but sarcastic coworker. He or she routinely makes cutting remarks, takes cheap shots, and shakes his or her head in disgust while others are talking. You like this person and admire his or her energy, work ethic, and creativity but don’t like his or her abrasive style

A coworker is putting together your team’s annual budget. Every time he or she works on it and then shows it to you , it appears that your projects have less money allotted and his or hers have more. You’re beginning to wonder if your coworker is trying to take advantage of you.

Commit to seek Mutual Purpose - Our solution is not the only one

Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy - We confuse wants with strategies

Invent a Mutual Purpose - Focus on long-term goals

Brainstorm New Strategies - Step back into dialogue

Tell a Story

See and Hear

Feel Act

Separate facts from stories

Watch for three clever stories – victim, villain, and helpless

Tell the rest of the story (your contribution)

Share your facts

Tell your story

Ask for others’ paths

Talk tentatively

Encourage testing

You and only you create your emotions You can act on them or be acted on by them

AMPPAsk to get things rolling

Mirror to encourage

Paraphrase for

understanding

Prime to make it safe.

Why don’t we follow through with action?

We don’t decide well We make vague and weak commitments We don’t keep commitments We don’t routinely use our crucial

conversations’ skills

Connect to existing long-term benefits Stay in dialogue Watch for the line between dialogue and

threats Listen to others’ view of natural consequences Stop when you reach critical mass

Remain flexible to deal with emerging new problems

When safety is at risk, step out of the conversation, recreate the safety, then return

When another problem emerges that is worse, leave a bookmark so you know where to return to the original problem

Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Crucial Confrontations – Tools for Resolving Broken Promises,

Violated Expectations and Bad Behavior

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

www.vitalsmarts.com

ro

www.afm.ars.usda.gov/odeo/programs.htm

Jan Lewis 301-504-1450Jeff Schmitt 301-504-1352

Questions?