adam's journal

8/13/2019 Adam's Journal

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Dearest Deb,

I started keeping this journal shortly after coming to Temple. I wasnt convinced at the time and therefore the first few entries are cold and short. I just wrote dow

maybe remember it later. Who would have thought that I would one day want toin Temple and see how I got from there to here. Im looking through this now thaI realized that there is a lot here I never shared with you. Im sure a lot of it isnt veryHell, I was bored reading some of it.

I noticed that I opened up a lot more about my feelings after you came into town. good grasp of why or of what my feelings were for you at the time. I was confusfelt a little guilty for how I felt about you. I didnt want to admit it to myself at thdefinitely didnt want to admit I was falling for you when I couldnt imagine youany feelingsfor me in return.I made a few comments here and there. I mostly just wanted to make sure you uthat wasnt clear. I also may have tried to explain some things that didnt need exback at who I was back then and cant imagine being that person. Youve made me a bYou brought me hope, balance and a calm I didnt think I would ever have. Im somy life and I can only hope that I can give you even half of what youve given me.

As I close this book on the part of my life that I spent in Temple, Im excited and

the next chapter in our lives together, with our family. I came to Temple never exNow Im more alive than I have ever been. I couldnt ask for anyone better to havmy wife and the mother of my children. I love you.

-Adam Resolute


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May 2011

After helping out in Maine and feeling kind of helpless in that fight, I spent a large majority of Saturdaythinking about where I was, what I was doing and why I was there. I had a couple conversations withNicole about this and she made me feel better, but Im still hesitant.

This was broken up by the mission to Syracuse to disable the radio beacon. I did my best to help thepeople there with me, even to the point of convincing Will that dying will not help convince someone of hispoint of fighting for hope .

I definitely felt a lot better when the missions to New York started, they gave me something to do,someone to hit and someone to help. I felt a part of things and useful again.

Then, later that night, I helped Dr. Slashblight around when he was acting robotic and looked after him tomake sure he didn't do anything stupid.

When I was picked to be on the team to go kill DJ Hex, I was excited again, it was my chance to show myresolve again, to help the community against a great evil... I didn't get my chance. It wasn't that big of adisappointment, and I was glad I could help again.

Late Saturday night, I agreed to go on the "food run" to detroit. I almost got killed multiple times, I didn'tfeel like the mission was so much a success (though rescuing refugees was important) considering therisk. I did feel like I helped keep people alive, but Im not so sure about the decisions that are being madein some cases.

Ive been trying to put in my two cents about organization and strategy, especially out in the field, but Idont really feel like my voice is being heard. I don't blame anyone for this, there are a lot of importantthings going on, I just feel like there are a number of easy, little things that could be done to make battlesand such less of a strain on the town's resources.

Sunday was another day of introspection, feeling a little better but still trying to figure out what I was doingthere. I helped kill the kudzu, helped Chad, helped Susan with the communications device, but I didn'treally know what I was doing other than helping everyone else.

This is still something I have to figure out.

I was definitely pretty broken still at this point. I read this now and its like it wasdifferent person. Im honestly kind of glad you didnt meet me back then. I just wwas so very lost. Its surprising that I managed to get where I am now when I look at this.


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about my atavism, but Im working to control that.

So talking to Peregrine (and then Arthur) about ritual magic was interesting. Im not sure Im thrilled withthe idea of doing magic, but it is intellectual magic, so there is a layer of separation between me and theextra-human nature of the magic.

Friday night was the night of interesting people showing up at Temple. First, we were beset by the bugsand the children of Chelithac. I was happy to help fight. I usually like the first fight of a weekend. It getsmy rage out of the way and gets him warmed up. I was fighting hard and saw Mark float back into thetavern. It was a little jarring, but I kept fighting. It wasn't a particularly eventful fight, but it was a fight.

Interesting people showed up and I either had no reason to talk to them or wasn't really invited to talk tothem. However, Isra came and I got another chance to talk to her about his nightmares and such. It wasan interesting conversation that got cut short because Abel took her aside for a conversation.

Then the "evil" lantern bearer showed up (I don't remember his name). I was one of the first people tomeet him. I was suspicious of the man who was an "old friend" of Chalice's and had a red lantern,not a blue one. But I was courteous, watching where he went, and sent him off to speak with Peregrine.

Then, as I was going off with Arthur and Spence, (yes, Im talking to Spence now) Chalice showed up. Iwas about to just send her off to Peregrine when I thought it was a good idea to warn her about her "oldfriend." Her face told me everything I needed to know about whether the other guy was a friend or not.

Then I went off on an Adventure with Dimitri. I "talked to the stones" and told them that I fought becausethe other people gave me hope. That the other people in town proved to me that humanity wasworth it. As the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized that it wasn't actually true. I realized that Iwas still fighting out of revenge and I was fighting because I felt that that's what Heather would want meto do.

I had dreams of Heather that night. Not about her dying, but more about her being disappointed with myactions and my path.

Saturday involved things like going to find the guy who launched the missiles. It was a bit of a challengein terms of a fight, and I was a bit conflicted about fighting the way I was because of my dreams,but I still managed to help the town.

Sometime during the day, I went off with Robbie and a couple other people to investigate a zombie attackon a campsite. The black-drippy-eyed zombies were there and I saw Robbie fight them withhis zombie hunter abilities and the idea came to me about being a zombie hunter. It would be a way toget revenge, and it would be a good way to get aggression out, but Im not sure if it's what Heather wouldwant.

Then the guy with the bomb in his head came to town. He had blood on him and he was asking to hearstories. So I complied. Robbie and I and some other people kept him distracted while he wrote about thebomb and the attack. I then went on to be a part of the first of the subsequent ambushes, which ended upbeing not where we thought it would be. It was awesome. I love being ill-prepared

Then the time to fight Chalithac came. They needed ritualists and I realized he could help the town withmy new skills. I knew that I needed to get over my problems with magic and be helpful. So I did. I didmagic. I did magic to help save the world. I used my memories of Heather and my faith in her to powerthe ritual. It seemed to have helped.

After the battle, Izra came back and took a bunch of people off to the fae realm to help Abel deal with anestate left by the Fallen Prince. I went because I wanted to learn more about the Fae. I wanted toknow more about the different types of magic in my research about the seals. I also got to use my


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intellectual side to work out some of the puzzles there.

Saturday night was blissfully dreamless.

Sunday morning was a big Thief of Bones ritual thing. I was feeling a lot better than I was before and alittle more confident in my abilities. I fought a lot better and managed to actually joke with people thereand defend the ritual.

Then Linda mentioned going to Astral Canada. This is part of the stuff that I was working on with Sue. SoI definitely wanted to go. I was a little confused about what he could do with these astral beings. Theydidn't talk, they didn't drop anything, and they didn't really do anything but attack. Then they all stormedout of the Astral. That scared the ever-loving crap out of me, let me tell you.

Speaking of Sue. She was a mess all weekend. I saw this coming. I knew that as soon as she dealt withJenny, she would break. She would have nothing else to focus on and she would be lost. That's why Iwanted to be there when she did it. But I wasnt , so I tried to talk to her when she was done. I sat with herby the fire and tried to make her feel better. I tried to prove to her that life was still worth living andthat she should stay in Temple.

She wasn't buying it. But I kept trying. I would ask her what she would say to me if I said what she wassaying. It didn't really work. But I kept trying. I was determined to give her a reason to stay, but I couldn'tthink of a good one. I still can't.

Looking back, Im amused at both how little my priorities have shifted while my poinchanged dramatically. I guess you were right, I basically just want to help peoplt see howI could do that and how I could mean something to people. Back then I thought wish I could go back and show the old me how much he was helping. Tell him tothe isolation. I probably wouldnt have listened. It took me a while to listen when you triedI can be a little slow sometimes, but I get there in the end. Maybe I needed all th

through my issues.


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June 2013

I came to temple this time from Blackburns. I went there to have some time to chat with Spence on theway and to fetch Sue. Im frustrated about both of them at the moment. Sue frustrates me because she'sdepressed and won't listen and Spence is frustrating because Im having a hard time not seeing myself asa father figure who has to look over Spence. I still feel guilty for what happened and I definitely haven'tforgiven myself.

And then of course a child of Rhysis showed up on Friday night. Gave me something to do and moreimportantly something to hit. Combat lately has been a distraction from life, especially after thosememories of Canada. I really doesn't like that though. Im still struggling with the balance between controland intellect and the rage and desire for fighting that wells up within me.

Ive been dwelling a lot on the past and the future. Between my guilt and pain regarding Heather, my guiltat what happened with Spence and my fear that my feral side will take over and Ill lose myself, Ive beenhaving nightmares almost constantly. They remind me of what has happened and what I feel is yet tocome.

So when I was sitting in the tavern and was told that Isra wanted to see me specifically... well, needless tosay I was surprised and confused. She told me that she wanted me to go help Abel with his mission. Shesaid she wanted me to learn more about nightmare.

As wary as I was about the prospect of having a wonder being tell me what to do, I wasn't about to sayno. Isra had been helpful in the past and the two of us have had interesting conversations about thenature of Nightmare in the past.

So after an hour and a half or so of conversations with people and hearing about this issue with the FallenPrince and whatnot, I went out into Nightmare-land. I talked to one of the aspects of Rage which took theform of a woman who got so upset at her child for acting up at school that she shook him until he died. Iconvinced the woman that she didnt do anything wrong and she calmed down.

However, I was really shaken up by this. I knew what it was like to be afraid of the consequences ofanger. And if some housewife got angry enough to kill her child, what would stop me, with preternatural

rage inside me from killing people I cared about?

Thankfully, soon after, the nightmare demon thing came out and I had something to hit until it stoppedmoving. That shook me out of my fear and got my blood moving again. Killing him alongside Robbie wasexhilarating and cathartic.

So afterwards, standing around and talking to Isra about what I was supposed to learn from this... I feltboth better and worse about my situation. One on hand, no one would be able to convince me to notfear rage the way I did in the nightmare realm, but I knew what I needed. I needed to forgive myself formy past and have hope for the future. I knew then that those things were linked, and knowing what thesolution is has helped, but I had no idea how to obtain that.

I was wary of sleeping that night seeing as how Isra had given him (and everyone else around) a veil ofnightmare. However, my night wasn't much different than any other night in the last six years. I hadnightmares and woke up unpleasantly.

The next morning was relatively uneventful. There was a foray into an abandoned mine which wasinteresting and I helped make dinner with Catherder, Connor, Caleb and Deb. It was oddly soothing andpleasant. I sat around talking to some of the new people a lot, trying to help them, explain things. It feltgood to teach again, it reminded me of my time before the fall.

Around midday or so, there was to be a raid on some samsara labs, using the cover story that Abel andTJ used. Susan had been researching the drug and had started to come under its influence, so


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I was wary of her being involved. I made sure others knew of the situation and kept an eye on her. I evenwent on one of the raids, using my puzzle solving abilities to open the lock. I was, of course, the firstperson into the lab itself, taking a bullet to the face and then trying to convince the woman there tochange allegiances. I managed to get her to give up and cut ties to her boss, but that was about it.

I also spent a good portion of my day decoding the letters that TJ found in the box of shadow. It was goodto be able to use my brain and my linguistics skills to help the town rather than just his brawn and myrage. The letters were interesting, and I translated a letter which spelled out the plan of attack on Temple.It was a disturbing plan, to drop a Greater Child on the Crucible and have squads of Enlightened killingtownspeople until they died permanently.

Not only was I disturbed by the text, but I was also disturbed by how little others seemed to be disturbedby it. It also reminded me of how much the town relied on the evil glowing rock in the corner of the tavern.

There was some combatting Rhysians outside which snapped me out of his disturbing spiral. Gave mesomething to hit, something to stop thinking at, something to stop being a scholar at.

It worked. For a little while.

Then, a little while later, I was given the ability from some madness ritual . It was a little disturbing, but Iunderstood the need to use whatever was available to fight back the darkness. Even so, it made methink. I couldn't figure out what it really meant, but it made me think.

Then I realized that there was one last person who could be a counselor who hadn't yet. So the ritualcould be done one more time. Since I didn't want to talk about my problems with Micah, I ended up beingthe ritualist. So I sat there while Jordan talked about his problems. And that's when I heard the piece ofinformation he really should have heard at least two years earlier. Jordan flippantly mentioned that it wasToma who dropped the nuke on LA. My mind raged. I had talked to Toma less than twelve hours earlierand was polite and nice to him. Rage bubbled up inside me, but I knew I had to sit there and listen toJordan ramble on about Toma. It was almost physically painful to sit there without screaming.

So as soon as I finished the ritual, I stormed off to be alone for a bit. Thankfully, TJ and Robbie ended upsitting and talking to me about it for a while, and that helped. But I still wanted to hit something and that

feeling scared the rational, scholar part of my brain.

When I heard about the plan to go to Rhysis' homeworld and kill things, I was all for it. Hitting things andgetting his rage out felt like a good idea. That's not really what I got, though. That's not to say I didn't getto hit things. I definitely got in a couple of good hits at the Thing what needed hitting.

However, as soon as he heard that a ritual needed to be decoded, I stepped forward. With a rush ofadrenaline, he went over and figured it out, completing the ritual. I had seen the spirit who was wanderingaround and when I heard that it was for her, I was even more willing to help.

I gave the spirit the energy from the ritual and it seemed to ease her pain. I did this a few times andactually managed to find a minute to talk to her. I learned that she was the last uncorrupted spirit inthe world and that she hadn't seen living beings in a long time and more importantly, that she could not

leave that place.So I made it his goal to give her as much energy as I could in his time there. When the call was made toretreat through the gate, I told Winterbourne that I wouldn't leave until I was done with the ritual. I sat bythe gate while the town made a stand there. When I finished the ritual, I gave the spirit the last bit ofenergy and told her that if I could ever find a way to get back to her, I would. I crossed the threshold backto Earth and bid her farewell with a pang of guilt and sadness. When people got back, there was a bit ofdowntime and I got a chance to rest my mind from the day. There were things going on, sure, but most ofit had little if anything to do with me.


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That is, until I opened the door to the tavern and saw two figures in masks. This didn't really phase meand I knew most things I came across in masks were either friendly or too powerful to contend with, so Ilet them in. One seemed to know what she was there for, but the other lingered. I didn't know who hewas, so I did what I always did, ask if I could help the being find who he was looking for. It wasn't until thebeing called me 'hero' that I figured out that I was talking to Salisamandt, the guy I had killed on my firstday at Temple, seemingly saving everyone.

Salismandt wanted to know if I was willing to do what it takes to defeat the child the following day. Ithought that was a silly question coming from him, but I answered that I was. Then Salismandt gave memore of what the madness ritual granted. This made me think some more. I was clearly too tired toprocess it, though.

So I grabbed my weapon and went far away from the being whom I really wanted to hit, but for whom itwould be a very bad idea to do so. I went outside and went to help with the spectral accord business inNew Orleans. I had hoped this might have been something to do with the souls I met the year before atthe cotillion, but it was not, and I wasn't much help. I fought a bit, then stupidly tripped and fell in freezingcold water, taking me out of the fight.

By that time it was close to 2AM and I was wary of sleeping lest the cult of Bai-thos decided to enact theirplan that night. So I warned those I could in the tavern and kept watch alone, half expecting agreater child to come along. I sat there until he fell asleep on the ramp, at which point I decided that theyweren't coming and went to bed.

It was the next morning, in a conversation with TJ that I finally figured out what had been bugging meabout the madness ritual and the gift from Salisamandt. It was the same thing he thought about allinvader magics. While it may be useful to fight the enemy, I was worried about what it would do to thehumanity of the user. Especially when someone like Salismandt himself wanted it used, what kind of sideeffects could there be? Would the cure be worse than the disease?

So in the fight against the child, I used his resolve and I used his feral abilities, but I didn't use the powersgranted to me by madness. I kept them in reserve if they were needed, but I did not end up using them.

After that weekend, I am still conflicted by my dual nature, feral and scholarly. Im split between dwelling

on the past and fearing the future. Im worried about getting too close to people and worried about stayingtoo far away.


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Back then, I was still dealing with understanding not only what I was doing in towas and what it meant to be an Atavist. I was trying to find a balance, but I had on. I was clinging onto anything I could do to be helpful that wasnt fighting. Thats why I learnedhow to perform rituals in the first place. I was also really worried about losing mI was still thinking that there might have been a way to turn the world back to thwithout magic and spirits and such. I spent months of research, trying fruitlessly

get back the world we had lost. It took me quite a while to figure out what I wasHaving you around definitely helped me get there.

Speaking of which, you had just showed up, but we hadnt really talked yet. I still remember seeinshow up that firs time and thinking that you were a reasonable looking new perscould help you get your bearings in Temple like I had tried to do with new peopthat I had been ready to give up after the last few new people left shortly after coessentially blew me off.


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May 2014

So when I got to town, I reconnected with people and talked about stuff and very quickly heard about theshielding against darkness and cold rituals. I offered some tactical ideas to Peregrine and Doc Mark andgot appointed to deal with the logistics of the ritual. I tried to get it done early, but the town very shortlythereafter got attacked by specters. That was fun.

So I arranged for the ritualists to perform the ritual while the town dealt with the specters. Then all of asudden, I was called into the tavern to hear about the binding ritual that we were given by someone. I wastasked to perform one of them and of course I was tasked to perform the one all the way out by the flagpole. All the way out on the other side of the field. That moderately sucked, but I managed and ithappened.

Then I went back to the tavern to guard it from specters while team Ghostwalker went out to punchMashala in the face. I watched from afar when she was lead through that gate or whatever and Calebexplained what had happened (at a very high level) with that. So that was fun.

Then Peregrine and Doc Mark went off to the Library to perform the ritual which would heal SergeantCross. I went to observe and stayed really quiet through the whole thing, even though I really wanted todisembowel Jordan for being a wiseass throughout. It was good to see Cross better and I was happy tobe even a peripheral part of it.

Let's see. I'm not sure about the order of this, but I was told that Dimitri was going off to raid a dragon'shoard. Sounded like fun and honestly when I heard that people had to be quiet, well, I didn't have muchfaith in the stealth of the people of Temple. So I went along. He mostly stood outside the gate, but I wasthere when the people inside woke up the dragon (only a little bit) and got burnt to almost death. I snuckin and got someone out, but was shortly thereafter burnt to a crisp. Thankfully, Emily (I think it was Emily)hauled my unconscious ass out of the fire.

And we got the story we were looking for. Which was awesome. And then we all read it with Dimitri andlearned of the banishment of the Fallen Prince and of the ten men and their champions, and of thediscrepancies in the story which mean that the Prince had been unraveling stories. It's an interesting thingthat I want to help follow through on, but he's scared to death of this idea of unraveling. As someone who

studied literature, I understand the power of words and stories. A person's life, history and influence onthe world is just a collection of stories. If those stories can be unwritten, then what happens to the man?What is a man without his stories?

The next day had a lot of things going on that I am sure I don't have in the correct order. I may have tokeep better notes during the day. First there was the Divinim Zombie attack. It was annoying, but it wasmore than a little disconcerting when one of them stood up and started talking to Tesla and then disabledTesla's nanites. I watched and discussed with Tesla about the prisoner exchange which didn't end uphappening, as far as I saw.

There was the Grendel fight which was interesting. I wasn't one of the first six people who challenged theGrendel's champions. I was there mostly to keep the human minions away from the honor fights. But thehonor fights didn't go very well and I happened to be in the right place at the right time and TJ and I tookon one of the fake (at least I think they were fake) Caramahz and took him down in order to complete theritual. The strike team went out to deal with the seal guardian while I and most of the town wailed on theGrendel. After the fight, TJ, I and some others talked to the humans that were left behind, trying to givethem hope and help for the future and protection from others that would subjugate them like the Grendeldid. (I cannot remember the Grendel's real name and it's bothering me.)

Then there was the raid on the junkyard. The dude we saved a while ago (I kinda don't remember thespecifics, but I trust the stories) led us to their hideout. It was a tough fight, but when the poison gas wasgetting to people, I took my place as the guy with the shield to be the last one out. Unfortunately, I wasleft behind the enemy line and was knocked down by one of the divinim zombies trying to fight back and


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the other Temple folk didn't notice in the mad rush for the door. I was then stabilized and physicallydrained of nutrients by the junkers. I was dragged off to the side of the structure and poisoned again.

The few minutes I was laying there stunned but conscious were some of the most terrifying moments ofmy life. I wasn't positive that Temple would come back for me and I was afraid that I would die therealone. I had spent so much time trying to save and help other members of town, I couldn't believe thatthey would leave me to die. And then afterwards being told that they didn't even notice that he was gonedidnt help things . I was told that they went back for Liv and that no one really cared about him. Im surethey were joking, but still. I was told that I shouldn't feel upset about being left behind. It was painful tohear everyone telling me that I shouldn't have worried.

So when the town was attacked by kudzu and there were kudzu raids going on, I just sat in the tavernand let the other people from temple fight on their own. I wasn't about to risk my life for the people whodidn't seem to want to risk their lives for me. It was disheartening.

I had almost forgotten about this. Its painful to think about and its uncomfortable to think abouhow I almost gave up all hope and faith in Temple. I still remember laying thereif I was going to stay there forever, never dying and thinking about the people I again and I remember being sad that I would never really get to know you.I felt a lot better after I spoke for some time with Deb. The two of us seem to have a lot in common. Bothof us lost someone close to us and have a problem not only connecting to people and forming bonds, butalso with understanding our places in the town. The two of us talked about moving forward and why weare staying in Temple. I mostly still dont really know why Im there, but Ive realized that Ive formedbonds and made some friends.

I felt a lot better about the people in town after that conversation and interacting with Spence and Tesla.So when the guy we rescued came back to say that he knew where to find the rogue-rogue divinim, I wasokay with going in. Because even if I wasn't necessarily willing to lay down his life for Temple members, Iwas going to be damned if I was going to stand idly by as innocent people get slaughtered, even if half oftown was rooting around in Preacher's head. It was a fool's errand to go without all those heavy hitters,but I couldn't leave it be. Thankfully, even if it was a suicide mission, Tesla was ready and smart enoughto scrap the mission and we performed the most expeditious retreat in Temple history.

Most of the rest of the night was spent talking to people and going into a wonder thing to reenact people'sdreams. I talked to TJ about his concern for when Temple went into his mind. I talked to him for a whileoutside in the dark. We talked about trusting those who mattered and how a man is made up of acollection of stories. That if the people who care about him and whom he trusts remember his stories,they can never be truly taken away. This made me think more about his own stories and what drives him.

I then talked to Deb some more about what we can do about our predicaments. I mentioned to her that Ihad talked to Caleb about going to the Underworld to look for Heather. Deb hadn't thought about that, andI suggested that she go talk to Caleb about that as well. I finally realized at that moment that I was readyto hear whatever Heather had to say if I ever found her. It was about then that Ethan came to town and I

avoided that whole situation like the plague. Which was fine because I was distracted by the idea of goingto kill Salismandt. I was worried about getting manipulated by Salismandt and getting people I caredabout killed.

But it wasn't until I was about to go off to Salisland (that's what I'm calling it now) that I realized my truefear. I was talking to Izra about nightmares again. I was wondering what would happen when one of thenightmares driving my life goes away. But I realized that my true fear was that the main story of Adamwas ending. If Salismandt died, he would have less of a direction than I had had before.


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But I didn't have time to mull over that. It was off to Salisland. And it was there that I came face to facewith something I hadn't expected. Temptation. The representative of the Lord of Madness offered me thepower of the Avatar of Madness. And for a moment, I was tempted to take the offer. I would have thepower to singlehandedly demolish Salismandt. I could help Temple and most importantly, I wouldn't haveto worry about my place in the world or why I was doing what I was doing. It was mostly because therepresentative mentioned something that pissed me off that I didn't take the offer.

So I spent most, if not all of my energy and strength to call Salismandt out and struck him down. It took along time and Salismandt called me out a number of times, even killing me just by my name. It wasactually rather exciting. But now I feel like I have no story, no more to my path.

That conversation with TJ ended up being a lot more important than I could havabout it a lot in the coming years and especially since getting rid of Maeglin andleave Temple. My story has been a rocky one. I think everyone around can say tcan say now in hindsight that I was never without a story. I didnt know at the time what my storwas, but I know now that I was on the verge of a much bigger, scarier, and muchstory.

I m still not entirely sure why I decided you were safe to open up to in those firswe had. I had hardly told anyone some of the things I told you that day. I didnt trust most peopleI had known for a couple years as much as I trusted you that day. Im not going to pretend tounderstand and I dont think Im going to try to figure it out, Im just going to remember those days, look at our life now and smile.


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June 2014

I wasn't quite sure why the town was going to Canada. Even when we got there, I wasn't sure. It had beenexplained to me a number of times, but either it wasn't explained well or I just wasn't convinced. I justknew it was a bad idea.

This was all but confirmed when everyone had to fight skeletons immediately upon getting to CastleJunction. I was unpleased, but unsurprised. I even managed to not attack Warren Green when I saw him.I dutifully did what the battle commander said, even if the battle commander was being an ass. Thingswere less than organized and the town was running all over the place and not sticking together. Which ishow Micah and I ended up knocked down behind enemy lines. When that happened, Stanton Cade cameover to infect us with the curse. But he didn't curse me, just Micah, hoping to prey on my guilt issues. Itworked. It took Spence telling me that even with all their past, he still thought that I was "awesome" tostop worrying about what Stanton did.

So we kept fighting until Meg shot Stanton in the head with her gun, knocking him down. I went to searchhis body a few minutes later, only to see him get back up. It took a great deal of willpower to not just tryand kill him on the spot.

Things calmed down a bit, we met the locals, some spirits took the shrouded members of town away,which was a little frightening. Then we heard from the Seal Guardian about the theft of the rifle. And thenwe met Armin's wife. Armin wasn't dealing with her skeletonization very well, and I completely understoodthat. Thankfully I had the sense to not just knock the Mountie out and talk to him and calm him down.That was the first of many times that weekend that I gave advice that I really wasn't taking myself.

Late that night, I went to help save New Orleans. When he went to the Cotillion a couple years ago, Imade a promise to the young girl's spirit whos Cotillion it was. I promised her that I would help her out ofthat horrible place in any way I could. And in helping with Will's ritual, I felt at least somewhat satisfiedthat I had kept that promise. I won't feel completely satisfied until I see the city in the daylight and knowsthat the spirits are safe.

The next morning, during breakfast, I heard that Catskin, the person that he and Robbie were looking forto learn more about atavism, was in town and talking to Robbie. She took the atavists and some friends to

a part of the underworld that she explained was more of a complex gate to a section of the underworldwhich we later understood to be a type of Valhalla or realm of hallowed heroes. We met, or rather foughtwith Amox'tili and the Oceloh, Jaguar warriors of the Aztec. We fought through all of their trials and won,gaining their respect and according to them, one day gaining access to their Valhalla.

Upon returning to Castle Junction, Catskin explained that she would return to the atavists to teach whatshe has learned and that next time, she would be looking into my bloodline to see what she finds. Thatshould be interesting.

Soon after all of this, I went with Deb and Vanessa to investigate what Vanessa thought was the placewhere Deb's husband, Brian was repeating the events of his death over and over again. A bunch ofTemple people went with her to support her and I was right there with her. What we found was less thangood. There were black feathers, a suicide note and a gun next to a blood splatter. The gun was clearly atrap and the feathers indicated that Maeglin was involved.

After a long and painful conversation wherein Deb did not want anyone to touch the gun, but felt like itshould be touched, I grabbed it and was immediately flooded with Brian's memories of the loop, feelinglost, writing the letter and shooting himself as if he were being controlled. Then Maeglin showed up andgave Deb the spirit cage that he was holding Brian in. He gave it freely and told her that he would sooncome to help free him.


14/45

When we returned to Castle Junction, emotions were raw. I asked Vanessa to keep an eye out forHeather, but I didn't feel confident that she would find anything. It was hard to be near Deb for a whileafter having those memories, but I was as supportive as I could. Then Peregrine said that he had foundout that Maeglin had at least three other spirits tied to Temple. It was obvious (at least to me) thatHeather was one of them. I stormed out, not wanting to flip out in front of Deb. Thankfully there weresome skeletons attacking and in a fit of rage, I struck them both down in a single flurry.

There was a lot of crying and a lot of talking and a lot of supporting, but soon it was all put aside becauseit was time to dive into TJ's head and deal with the imprinting from the astral ship. It was not a pleasantexperience. I kept yelling at aspects of TJ's psyche to remember his connections to temple and tried toconvince the snake in his head to stop tormenting him. I protected Liv from being attacked and in the endtried to help in any way I could. I didn't feel very helpful, but Moira seemed to think I was. I guess shewould know.

Sometime that day, I went to help Tesla deal with the Cannibal Divinim. It was a horrible fight, with a forcefield preventing half of town from helping the other half. I pushed myself to my limits in that fight andended up sitting a lot of it out. But I noticed the woman in grey wandering around the back of the room,not fighting. She didn't look like any divinim or construct he had seen before. So when the fighting endedand Temple was shuffling out, I went to talk to her. She said that she represented a party that wasunaffiliated with those divinim and that she didn't have authority to negotiate with us, but that she wouldreturn. Tesla and I gave her our names and she gave me hers, but I can't for the life of me rememberwhat it was.

Then there was the blowing up of the dam. That wasn't actually all that interesting other than a place forme to get rid of some aggression, which was nice, because at that point, I had a fair bit of it.

It kind of says something about my life when the spectacular explosion of a hydwasntactually all that interesting. Or maybe it just says something about that day. Either way, the life of Temple, right?Today not much happened. Blew up a dam, killed some skeleby robots from outer space. The usual. Then I took part in a couple rituals. The blood oath was pretty standard, but reaffirmed in my mind that Iowed Temple my life on countless occasions and I wouldn't let that go without recompense. Then therewas the ritual involving talking to someone you don't know. I had a chat with Charlie who asked me how Istaved off despair and what beauty meant. I realized that I hadn't been very good at that as of late andthat Ive been clinging onto memories of Heather. I was a little worried that if that part of me ever broke(more than it already had) I would just shatter completely.

Finally, I made it up to dinner. I hadn't eaten lunch (dear god, I didn't even notice that it had gotten so late,I was so busy) and while I didn't really want it, I needed the food. I was about a third of the way throughmy dinner when a fight between Armin and Warren broke out right there. Armin was yelling about his wifeand Adam started to lose his appetite. Then Armin explained loudly that he had taken the rifle becauseshe had asked him to. I suddenly realized that while I had just made a blood oath to protect Temple, I

would break it in a heartbeat if Heather asked him to. And when Warren explained that he would push toexile him from Castle Junction, I had to go off to throw up. It wasn't pleasant, to say the least.

Thankfully, not long after that, there were more things to fight. I went off into the boneyard with everyoneelse and killed the crap out of the Thief of Bones minions. I needed that. I needed something to hit andthey kept coming. It was awfully kind of them. Finding out that the Heart of the Boneyard was a young girlwas especially painful, but Deb was there to make sure I didn't watch her die like I would have withouther.


15/45

After everyone got back, I took part in the ritual to help Lorem Ipsem by providing one of my atavisticabilities. I then went to Elmwood mostly because his paranoia noticed that no one was coming back fromtalking to the Mourners. I figured it might have been a trap. Apparently it was just quite interesting andpeople were reading and talking to the Mourners. Hooray. At this point in the night I didn't have the brainto read anything, so I left and went to bed.

In the morning, I was trying to eat breakfast when Maeglin showed up. I managed to not spring up andattack him right then and there, but that was mostly because Helen got in the way and lead him slowlyinto town. Apparently he wanted to check in on Beirut, but I didn't want to let him leave without askingabout Heather. I knew that asking meant that Maeglin would know who I was and what his connection toHeather was, but I couldn't not find out. And find out I did. Maeglin confirmed that he had her and offeredto let me speak to her. I was livid, but thankfully I had given my weapon to Deb to hold while I talked tothe Amarathi.

Then there was a lot of fighting fae things. Dimitri was there. I took out my aggression on fae. It definitelyhelped. I may have gone a little overboard and Fox stunned me, which was probably for the best, even if Icouldn't recognize it at the time.

Then Deb left for California and left me to go back to Temple, knowing that she (being the first person hefelt he could really trust in town) was likely not going to be around when Maeglin got back. That will befun.

I didnt quite realize, or more likely didnt want to admit to myself how important you were tothat time. I was trying to deal with what I had just learned about Heather and we it seemed weirdto admit that I was falling for you. The best I could do was say that I trusted youmore than I could say about most people. Its amazing how much I was deluding myself at and ignored what was staring at me in the face.

I regret absolutely nothing I did that weekend up in Canada, but I do regret whatt do, which

was tell you how I felt. But maybe we both needed more time to work out what us. Maybe going slower was necessary. It doesnt mean I dont wish we could have skipped all theawkward non-conversations and just been happy together.


16/45

August 2014

I know you were in San Fransisco for all of this and I dont know how much I told you about whappened while you were gone. Im sorry if I left something important out and something hsurprise. I love you. I wanted you to see the moment when I realized that I was iI started the weekend tenuously. For some reason, I knew that TJ and Deb wouldn't be back, whichmeant that two of my limited support network wasn't going to be around. And I knew that this was going tobe a tough weekend. I didn't know nearly how tough it was actually going to turn out to be. All I had interms of people I felt comfortable breaking in front of was Helen, and god knows she had a lot on herplate.

The first thing that happened when I got into town (besides the imminent attack from the Cult of Bai Thos)was that a letter showed up. It was addressed to Adam Resolute . And it was from Deb. It was partapology for not being around and part thanks for what had happened in Canada. It included such phrasesas "I'm sorry for needing you in this inexplicable way" and "I want you to know that I'm thinking aboutyou." I couldn t read it at first. I was afraid of what it would say. I was afraid that she would tell me that shewasn't coming back. That she was abandoning me. So I went out to fight the cultists. Yet again, I

retreated into combat to clear his head. The atavistic side of me was burning with rage, and that fire burntaway the worry and the thoughts.

But then Brody frenzied and slammed me in the side of the head, breaking my glasses and forcing me outof the fight (as much as I tried to fight without depth perception). So I sat in the tavern, alternatingbetween doing what little first aid I could and reading the letter. I read it over and over again. I knew shemeant it to be reassuring and helpful. She was expressing her emotions and opening up to me. And I feltthe same way. I wanted to thank her for being there when I needed it most. I wanted to reassure her that Iwould be there for her again when she needed it.

But I was not reassured. I did not feel comforted by her words. They made me feel close to her, whichwas nice, and it was a feeling I hadnt felt since Heather. However, fear and guilt flooded into me. Howcould I think about being there for Deb, protecting her and making sure she's okay when I couldn't do thatfor Heather? It reminded me that I had gotten stronger to protect Temple, but I could never go back andsave the woman I loved. And then I realized that Deb cared about me, That she depended on me. Andpanic filled my head. How could I go out onto the front lines, face unspeakable horrors when she wasdepending on me? I no longer feared getting close to someone for my own sake, but for theirs. Howcould I let someone down the way I did for Heather? The call went out that the battle to defend templefrom the Cult of BaiThos was about to start. I froze and looked to Helen. I knew I had to be out there. Icouldn't leave Temple while it was under attack. Full of conflict and turmoil, I yet again turned to thebattle.

I m sorry for that. When I wrote that I had no idea you were ever going to see tht everwant you to feel bad for sending that letter and I hope you realize that it saved ma few times by reminding me how important you are to me and how important I didnt really know or understand that at the time and I freaked out.The battle, meanwhile, was not meant to be. I stood on the front lines, protected my fellow members ofTemple, picked them up when they fell and struck down the enemy when it neared. But yet again, someminion of BaiThos struck him on the side of the head and my glasses broke. I stumbled over to where agate to the underworld was to try to rest. Mark was there and he pushed me through the gate saying "restin here, I'm going to lock you in for a bit," and shut the gate.


17/45

The darkness was almost oppressive. And without my glasses, I was sure that there was movement allaround me. I started to see things in the shadows. I was afraid that Heather was there, watching me and

judging me and my actions. By the time Morgan came to rescue me, I was shaking on the floor,apologizing to the empty darkness. It took about half an hour, three people and multiple cups of waterbefore I calmed down. It turns out that Mark had put me in there and shortly thereafter died, getting spirittethered, not being able to tell anyone what had happened to me.

And then Brody died. I almost didn't notice at first. It hit me harder than I had thought it might. I felt badthat I was upset at Brody for frenzying earlier. I felt sad that the two of us had never really been friends. Ifelt guilty that I wasn't a better fighter. But most of all, I felt that I didn't have the right to say goodbye likeeveryone else. I didn't feel like I had the right to cry even. I felt numb, not feeling like I had a right to feelanything. Even when Alfred from Lorem Ipsum told me that everyone survived because of that ritual, Icouldn't even feel happy or relieved.

That's when it was time to lay in bed and stare into nothing.

I woke up early and took a walk through the morning fog. It was thick as mud and I couldn't see anythingfurther from 10 feet from my face. It was nice. It was almost as if I was alone in the world and no onerelied on me or needed me. It was peaceful.

There were even a couple of things for me to fight. Some Kudzu and some Skeletons. It was soothing.They weren't particularly threatening and they were something to hit. And I could feel like I was helpingTemple. Which was something I needed. Something about it felt like it was what I was supposed to do.

Then Catskin came. Of the two people I was expecting to come for me, she was the one I was lookingforward to seeing. I was anxious and worried about what she would say, but knowing was so much betterthan waiting. Same for Maeglin. I wished I could just know what Maeglin had done with Heather. Justknow.

But this was the time to learn more about my ancestors. About the blood that flowed through my veins. About what caused that rage every time I enter battle. About what fueled me and what made me different.I had no idea what I should have expected. Robbie was related to the Jaguar Warriors, I could have beenrelated to anything. But I wasn't expecting what I found. I wasn't expecting the Rajput of India. And I

wasn't expecting Aniveth of the Gahadvala. But Aniveth was exactly who I needed. And Aniveth told meexactly what I needed to hear. He explained that the Rajput defended temples. That they fought withhonor and fought bravely to defend their charges. And Aniveth showed me that I would be worthy of beinga warrior of the Rajput. Aniveth then said some other things that wouldn't process in my head until waylater and he gave me something to look at when I had time.

Finally, when I got back, Maeglin was waiting for me. But I was confident now. I had the power of theRajput in my veins. So I stormed up to Maeglin and demanded to know where my wife was. And Maeglintold me. He told me the one thing that I wasn't expecting. The one thing that I couldn't handle hearing.Maeglin said that Heather was angry. That she was turning into a spectre due to her rage. I was keepingher in stasis, keeping her from turning. He wanted to do an experiment, creating a pocket of theunderworld where she could be angry and not turn. Yet again, I didn't know what to say. I felt lost again,like I was back in the darkness of the underworld.

I retreated back to the Tavern and thought about the day. I thought about what Maeglin had told me. ThenI thought back to what Aniveth had told me. Aniveth had explained that he had failed to protect hischarge. He had failed to defend the one who depended on him. And he spent eternity in the warrior'sunderworld with the knowledge that he failed. Then I looked at the drawing that Aniveth gave him. It wasa simple drawing of a man holding a dead woman's form. Not only had I failed to save Heather fromdying, but I was going to fail to keep her from becoming a spectre. And I was probably going to get Debkilled while Im at it. I was going to eventually die and then exist in the underworld forever knowing that Ifailed.


18/45

So when there was more I could do to kill those things that threatened my new family, those that I sworeto defend, I stepped up. I fought the Kleesh and the Astral defenses around the Mourner homeworld. Ieven went to Zombie Surprise Time with Mark and Warrick. I managed to get one of the super zombiesinto the staging area. It wasn't easy, but it was something I could do. I contemplated offering to becomeone of the Shrouded to help Temple. But then I thought that Deb would kill me if I did such things whileshe was gone. That thought saved my life.

I pushed through the thoughts, through the conflict and confusion. I did what I could to help my friends. Ieven went to a job interview at Entitron for Tesla. It was incredibly skeezy, though. I had to pretend to bewilling to overlook my humanity and say whatever it took to get in. It wasn't the first time I had thoughtabout doing things like that for the sake of the town. And saving Dee and possibly getting a seal wasdefinitely worth pretending to be a horrible person for a while. I was just worried if I have to eventually domore.

Things were pretty quiet until dinner. It was a little unfortunate, since it gave me time to think and brood.But I got to listen to Abel's ritual of telling the story of the Nine and I got to talk to some other people aboutwhat had been going on. And then dinner came. And with dinner came dinner guests. While I knew whatwas going on and knew what and who they were, I wasn't quite expecting how... Various they would be.

Becoming the champion of one of the wonder beings seemed like something I could do for the town, but Ididn't know which I could champion. The monkey king was too ridiculous, the spider woman too creepy,the thunderbird too mysterious, Dimitri too... Dimitri. So I went over to talk to the Ifrit. And boy was that aconversation I won't forget soon. At first, the Ifrit wanted to know if there was a prince in town, someonebetter and above everyone else. I thought I could, if not trick the Ifrit, talk around him and get him tobelieve what he wanted to believe. That was clearly not going to work. The Ifrit wanted to see proof thatthis prince existed. I tried to get help, but Connor didn't quite understand what I wanted and ended upalmost insulting the Ifrit.

I was about to give up when I found out what else the Ifrit was looking for. He was trying to find a brutalwarrior who would show his enemies no mercy. That was something I could do. Then the Ifrit challengedme to a duel. We volleyed back and forth and the Ifrit got the better of me at first. But that wasn't enoughfor the wonder being. He picked me back up and continued the duel. I fought back with ferocity until I hitan agonizing blow and wailed on the Ifrit, causing him to yield. The Ifrit smiled and gave me the power to

use fire against my enemies, to hurt them and cause them pain. He commanded me to show no mercy tothose beneath me. I figured I could do that as long as I determine whos beneath me .

Then it was time to go fight the cult of Bai Thos again. But this time, I had the fire of an Ifrit within me. Itinvigorated me, made me feel more invincible. Which is probably why I ended up dying twice in thatbattle, slightly more than usual. Thankfully, Temple (and Shade) had my back. And we were victorious. Ieven got a number of good hits on the Child, using the fire to do the most good.

Back in town, I was too weary to feel anything, but when there was a ritual to help Shade, I stood in thedark and spoke of my connection to Temple and how I felt having her in the battle now that she was amember of the town. How she saved my life and I defended her with it in turn. It gave me some glimmerof hope about all those beings from another world.

When I fell asleep on the table in the tavern, I decided it was about time to go to bed. Unfortunately, apack of velociraptors wanted to get in his way. I fought them and then with a pang of guilt, went to bedbefore more came. Sleep came mercifully without dreams.

The next morning started a little later than usual. I got to the tavern and ended up having a fascinatingconversation about the nature of corruption. I realized finally that corruption isn t something inherently evilor bad. It was just the nature of being something otherworldly, something not quite human. Corruptionwould sever his connection to his ancestors; it would disconnect a wonder worker from his power. Andthose that found a method of using their power naturally like lantern bearers or will workers didn't have tolose that connection to humanity.


19/45

Then the zombie class started. I was severely conflicted about it. The last time I had helped Warrick out, Ihad just learned how to kill zombies better or how to clean a zombie bite. But this time, they had tied azombie up for use as an example. On one hand, I understood how useful that could be. On the otherhand, what Ingve had said about it was completely right. That thing used to be a person. It wassomeone's brother, or father, or son, or husband. How would I have felt if they were practicing onHeather? This world had removed some conflict and morality issues, and replaced them with completelynew and unique ones.

Arthur and I then sat and had a conversation about Entitites and what they were and who they werebefore they had become what they were. I noted that some of them they had interacted with, likeChalithac and Rhysis had noble intentions when they started on that path. They wanted to help, and theyneeded power to do it. But power is a dangerous thing. It made me think severely about all the deals andpacts Temple had made over the years for power. All noble goals in mind, of course.

Then everyone went to Harpers Ferry. The fight itself was mostly uneventful, but confronting the doctorwas painful to watch. It wasn't a problem I could hit away or think away. I had to sit there and watch aspeople I cared about were in pain. It wasn't fun.

And then the president died. Yes, he did get better, but it was still unpleasant. It's unpleasant whenanyone dies. I hadn't actually got to meet the president. Last time he was in town, TJ and I waited out inthe dark on the far end of the field watching for assassins. It was a fruitless, but necessary endeavor.

When Helen volunteered to go to Wichita with the President I agreed that it made a lot of sense. She wasnot only a doctor, but a Lantern Bearer. She would be one of the most useful people to take with him. Butthen I realized that she had been the one keeping me sane the whole weekend. Every once in a while allweekend, I would look over to make sure she was alright. I checked to make sure she was okay afterevery battle. I had taken her as his charge because TJ and Deb weren't there. With her gone off toWichita, my one and final anchor to his sanity had left.

The Pathfinder was leaving and I realized that I hadn't written a letter back to Deb. In a panic, or in adesperate attempt to reach out to someone, I wrote what little I could before she left. It wasn't much and Ididn't even get to sign it, but it was something. Hopefully it would tide me over until one of them came

back. That or Id slowly fall to madness. Not sure.

As bleak as that weekend was and how painful some parts of it seemed at the timright after connecting with you in Canada gave me the ability to see how importme. I felt lost and alone and instead of reaching out to combat or depression likereached out towards you. I thought about that a lot in the month or so between gand you coming back to Temple. I think thats why things were sort of awkward. I had used tof you coming back to keep me going so then when you actually did come backt know what todo with myself.

For as long as Ive known you, youve been a stabilizing factor for me (and definitely for mpeople who interacted with you). Youre a wonderful person and I want you to know that bestimes youve dragged me off the front lines, youve saved my life in more ways than I can cou


20/45

Not sure why I decided to write these entries during the day rather than afterwarmakes some sort of sense to you.September 28th 2014 - 9.48PM

It's been four months since we left Canada and Deb went to San Francisco. It's been about a month sincethe letter came and Helen went to Wichita. I haven't been... alone. I've been in Temple, but I haven't feltthis alone since I got here four years ago. I sit in the tavern, or out on the porch and I keep hoping thatevery person who walks through those doors is going to be her. That or some pathfinder coming to tell usthat they're all dead. I don't know what would be worse at this point.

I've read and reread the letter she sent me so many times I have memorized it. I hope the note Ihalfassed to her got there. I don't know what I'll do when and if she gets here. We left things in Canadakinda weird and that letter really threw me. I don't know what I would do if Maeglin shows up and shehasn't gotten back.

September 28th 2014 - 11.05PM

So they got back, they're all safe and everyone's alive. I should be happy. Why can I not look her in theeye? Why do I feel scared and happy and nervous? I tried to fill her in on everything that's happened withMaeglin and Aniveth and everything. I want to tell her how I've felt the last few months, but... everythingseems so awkward and I don't know why. I don't know why I feel weird when I get close to her. I should -

September 29th 2014 - 1:34AM

Yeah. That happened. I'm going to keep this short. Maeglin showed up a lot earlier than I thought hewould. I didn't even get to finish figuring things out with Deb. But she was there. Heather was there. Shelooked... Horrible and beautiful at the same time. I... she was so angry. I had to... I can't deal with thisright now, I'll finish this later, maybe tomorrow.

September 29th 2014 - 3:02AM

I can't sleep. Tesla took me and Deb and some other people to go deal with this thing called a Teacher. Itapparently messes around in people's heads and erases your memories of them. It was fucked up andunnecessary at that time. I tried to not be antagonistic, but it was a mind-reader and Ian was there, so itknew that at least he wanted to kill it. I'm a little curious about what the hell that thing was, but I'm not sureI can be bothered to give a fuck. Between that and Will being an insensitive asshat, I just didn't want todeal with it.

Meanwhile. Heather's gone. She supposedly went through "the final door" as the lantern bearers keepsaying. She was angry at me. Angry for killing her, angry for not being there to save her, angry forabandoning her. And she was right to be angry. I tried to explain. I tried to apologize. But I was angry too.I was angry at her for leaving me to deal with this fucked up world. And I was angry at her for being angryat me

Fuck Maeglin. He pushed her towards becoming a spectre just to fuck with me. To make it so I had toattack her just to talk to her. I don't know what the hell he wants, but I'm going to find a way to not just killhim, but to make him regret ever crawling out of the underworld slime those years ago. It was all I coulddo to keep myself from falling apart talking to her. We talked about the things we would never get to do,things we would never see, the life we could never have. She's still wearing her engagement ring. Andshe hears me talk about how I fight for her and how I think about her every day and I can't take itanymore. We hear the fighting going on around us and we both know that we can't sit and talk forever.She tells me that she needs to go. I just want to hold onto her and never let go. But she tells me that sheneeds to and I just nod there, like an idiot and let her go.


21/45

And then that asshole Maeglin gets out. He's flailing around, scared because we're finally ready to kickhis ass. So I go out and I kick him in the teeth. I give into my rage and my frustration and the pain I'mfeeling and when he falls all I want to do is chop him up into meaty bits and throw him into a pit and lightit on fire.

But I don't. Because I can't. Because there's this voice in my head. The voice of calm, cold logic tellingme that that isn't the plan. That we need to do this smart. I stop myself. I don't shove my sword into hisheart. And the angry side of me cries out in anger and frustration. Sometimes I wish I could give in.Sometimes I hate that logical side.

We got Eleanor to come out of her little spirit cage and Peregrine and I talked to her. We tried to convinceher that we understood her shtick about pain leading to salvation. All I could feel at that moment was painand it was a clarifying feeling. So I really did understand it. I really did understand that the pain I'd felt forthe last four years, the pain of knowing that I might end up like Aniveth, stuck for eternity knowing that Ifailed to protect those who depended on me. I think between Peregrine and I, we got through to her. Atleast a bit. But she wouldn't go without seeing Jean Paul. Her disciple. The one she failed. So we're backwhere we started. Well, not quite, since we have her spirit cage. Peregrine had me hold onto it. He wastoo big a target. I guess sometimes it matters to be the less interesting guy.

It wasn't until after dealing with Eleanor that I realized what had happened with Heather. She's gone. Shefinally went somewhere that I can't follow. And I'll never see her again. I thought about dying. Running offto the paths or killing myself. Just so I could see her again. I was scared and I felt so alone. Thensomething happened. I thought of Deb. And I thought about what would happen if I left her. And I knew Icouldn't. But not only that I couldnt , but I didn't want to. I couldn't go to be with Heather at the expense ofleaving Deb.

I know, messed up, right? So now I'm grieving over my wife, who has been dead for over four years andthinking about someone I met about a year ago? I don't know what to think. And it hurts so much that Ican't see straight. And people want me to deal with this Teachers thing? Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

September 29th 2014 9:43AM

Well, those were some fucked up nightmares. More than usual. And there are no eggs. And all I want to

do is crawl back into bed and never wake up. I don't think I could hate Maeglin any more than I do rightnow. Though I'm not sure who I hate more right now, him or myself.

Deb and I have been trying to sit and talk. And when we're not getting attacked by monsters, we avoid theconversation. Neither of us seem to want to say what we're thinking, what we're feeling. She's upsetbecause no one told her that they had a ritual to open spirit cages. I don't blame her, I didn't know. Butthen again, I didn't tell her all we had found out about Maeglin and Eleanor. And I feel like a tool for that. Ican't seem to tell her how I feel about her or what her presence is doing to me. It's frustrating. I'll try againafter breakfast.

September 29th 2029 11:18AM

So... We apparently jumped forward 15 years. We've ended up in the fucked up apocalypse of the fucked

up apocalypse. God, I hate time travel. We all got memories, of course. What would time travel be withoutreceiving someone else's memories. I got the memory of Afghan Div's favored wife. She was forced to sitby as the Fallen Prince unraveled the Ifrit while she watched. That was a little fucked up. But what wasmore out of whack was that not only was I still his champion, but we all still remembered him. Eventhough he was unraveled. The only thing I can figure about this is that we're not supposed to stay in thisfuture. We're still from the past. er... the present. Whatever. Also, apparently Catskin knows that we're notdead and has been visiting Temple every year to see if we're back. I feel sick thinking about her living likethat.

Gah. I hate time travel.


22/45

September 29th 2029 12:39PM

So we are apparently trying to get back to 2014 using the Time gate in Logan. Because when that wasused to save people last time nothing went wrong. ugh. I hate time travel. So we went to Logan with Felix

Albreight to find out what we can do. And of course we ran into Dr. Bryce. A skeletonized Dr. Bryce with adumb looking helmet. Apparently we needed to get the helmet. I'm just glad I didn't know her that well so Ididn't feel quite so bad when she tried to kill me and then I tried to kill her in return. It still sucked.

Oh, did I mention that the Warpers in town didn't get hit with the time thing? They've been living in thisfucked up timeline for the last fifteen years without us. Surprisingly, the three of them don't seem all thatdifferent. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. They were a little broken to begin with.

So we went to Logan, got the timegate (I'm not going to ask how) and the helmet, which we apparently(according to Felix) need to put on people who've been living in this timeline for the last fifteen years toaim the timegate to the time we left. He says we need to find the president. He's important, but he won'texplain why.

September 29th 2029 - 4:47PM

The astral spaceship showed up. I had never really been involved with any of that stuff, but I decided tocheck it out, I was curious and, well people I care about were involved. And this is why I swore not to getclose to people. This town has really messed me up.

Anyways, the spaceship. I didn't believe it when they said it was like star trek. How could it be? It was analien spaceship. But apparently, since it's an astral thing, it reshape itself to what we thought it shouldlook like. I'm still not exactly sure what the life support or the food supplies do. Or even how the weaponson the ship affected the children of Bai-thos a month (and fifteen years) ago. This astral stuff only makessense to me when I'm not thinking about it, so I try not to think about it.

Apparently the ship came back when it realized we were back. And apparently is has had fifteen years toscan the planet and make upgrades and such. And also that we can save the state of the ship and bring itback to the ship in our time and load the state. There's another one of those things I really shouldn't bethinking about.

Meanwhile, the Hollow One (who I still know very little about) left a message for some people throughkilling Moira and using that energy to send a message. It was... Unpleasant to watch Helen and Jacksonexperience her death. I can understand that. It reminded me of when I experienced Brian's death. Notsomething I wish upon others.

Then there was the mental health clinic thing. It was like a mini mind dive where people dealt with one oftheir issues as represented by the ship and it's AI. Deb and Jeannie were allowed to go in as observers,but otherwise, you would be alone. I sat outside as most of them were going on, and it was unpleasant tolisten to. I can only imagine what it was like to observe, no matter experience. But everyone who cameout, came out feeling better. Hell, even Robbie managed to get his collar off. I don't know what possessedme to sign up, but I did. I don't know if I did the right thing. I know I'm not looking forward to it but I have toimagine that it will help, right?

And Deb. she had to watch as all these people were tortured by their own psyches. I know I'm no experton mind dives and such, but from what I experienced with TJ's dive, it's not a pleasant thing. I can onlyimagine how hard it is for her to go through five of those in short succession. I know it's what she wants todo and I know she likes helping people but... I worried about what that kind of thing will do to someoneafter a while. I've seen Moira, she seems sane and well, but there's something a little off about her. I don'tknow if all this will working stuff, but I'm just worried. And, like always, I stayed by to make sure she'd beokay and that she wanted to go back in. I made sure she got some food and water. And still, I can't lookher in the eye. She's so good at helping other people work through their issues, we just can't seem tomanage to talk to each outer about our own.


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Oh yeah, and we fought zombies in an elevator in order to do... Something regarding the president and toget his memories into the helmet. I'm not exactly sure what went on there, but I was killing zombies andthat is always cathartic.


The ship has gone. It left and I took the save site in order to bring it back to 2014. Not something I wasexpecting to say when I got up this morning. Deb and I have tried and failed to talk about, well anythingthats going on with us... Twice. Oh, and some kleesh showed up to demand tribute since we showed upon their hunting grounds. I personally didn't want to get killed by over a hundred kleesh, so Emily and Igave them some food and tradable goods. They're now on my list when we get back.

Also, that guy Michael that Spence was telling me about showed up. He and a couple of people fromblackburns stumbled into town. I tried to keep Meg and Spence from killing them. Not very hard mind you,but I tried. I also tried to get any tactical information out of them that we could take back with us. Therewasn't much, but Micah and Robbie got the lowdown on the new RJT zombies. It was about then thatthey brought to my attention the fact that we were leaving them in this craptastic timeline and they werelikely going to die. I don't mean to sound self-righteous, but without Temple, the world is fucked.


Okay, so I have calmed down enough that I no longer want to stab Peregrine in his stupid beaky face.Maeglin showed up with an army of spectres while chalice was also there as a spectre. Or something. I'mnot quite sure. Everything started to go into a little bit of a rage haze when Maeglin showed up. He offeredto take his spectres away if we gave him Eleanor's spirit cage when we got back to 2014. I wasn't aboutto give it up willingly, so he struck a deal with Winterbourne and peregrine. Peregrine said that yeah, wewould give him the cage and return her to him, when she was ready to move on. I thought this was thecrappiest deal, but when I have Peregrine and Winterbourne staring me down, what am I going to say,no?

I talked to peregrine after he dealt with chalice. I explained to him what I thought. I explained to him quiteloudly how I felt. I don't think he ever thinks about the worst case scenarios. What if Maeglin shows up

right as we come back and demands for the cage? He chose Winterbourne because he knew thatWinterbourne would never back down on an oath. Ugh. I don't know what to do. We need to find JeanPaul as soon as we can.

I am not pleased.

September 29th 2029 - 11:09 PM

Okay, first of all, I just want to put down on paper officially that I love DJ Holo. I'm not gay, but I wouldtotally sleep with that man. He just gave me hope for this timeline after we leave.

And on a more serious note, I realized that I haven't been thinking about what happened with Heathersince we got shunted into the future. I know what I'm doing, I'm focusing on what we have to do, things

we are fighting and getting back so that I don't have to think about the things I don't want to think about. Iguess that's okay, Deb might disagree, but there's not much I can do about it. I will deal with my issueswhen we get back. It probably won't be pretty. Hooray.

October 14 2012 - 4:43AM

Okay so we're back. Well, we seem to have skipped ahead a week, but that's not bad when we weremoving 15 years through a gate. We had to leave Ian and Beignan and Zedenko, but we knew that. I wasone of the last people through that gate, I was not expecting for Felix to have to stay behind. And I reallydid not need the image of the four of them being overrun by the Theif. That was... Painful.


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Thankfully nothing horrible was waiting to jump us when we got back and Toma found us to explain somethings and to get rid of the helmet which would have caused a paradox. And then the ship came by so Icould load in the save state. It was... Confused.

And then I cried. I held Deb's hand and let me say... That helped. It helped more than I expected. I reallydon't know what that means. But we sat for hours just holding hands and looking at each other. I'm surewe said some stuff, but it wasn't important. It was just... Nice. And it felt comforting to know that someoneactually cared.

We stayed up far too late, eventually talking to Moira for a little while. I'm not sure what's going on withDeb and me, but... I don't really want it to stop, even though I feel guilty for saying that.

October 14th 2014 - 2:23PM

Weird morning. Had some messed up dreams that included heather and Deb and Maeglin and someoneI can only assume was Brian. I woke up and walked with Deb to the tavern. We stopped halfway to sitand talk. We didn't talk much, but we sat and held hands. I feel like a fucking schoolboy, but it was nice.

And it was nice to know she wanted that too.

We had breakfast, but before long, Catskin showed up. It was good to see her and I was relieved that wedidn't have to encounter her in the future. I would have felt so bad that we had left her alone. We had tofind and wake up Emily, which was amusing since she flipped out and almost killed Robbie. Then shechanneled Emily and Samson's ancestors. She is apparently descended from the Sarmations, an ancientPersian race and he is descended from a group of Japanese monks who lived in the mountains and killeddemons. We talked for a bit about what will happen when we all finally talk to our ancestors. I reallybelieve that the Valhalla that each of our ancestors guard is actually the same place. I will be interested tofind out.

Oh. And then apparently after we got back, we were doing a thing which involved freeing the story cop,but then he turned out to be the Prince himself. It was a sucky thing but after thinking out it, it had tohappen. He needed to be free so that we could finish the story we started and banish or kill him forever. It

is still going to suck.

Meanwhile, I'm intellectualizing again, I need to sit and process about this whole thing with heather. I can'tkeep breaking down and crying. I need to be able to function. And I honestly need to figure out what'sgoing on with me and Deb. my head is a jumble and I need to clear it out.

October 17th, 2014 9:18PM

I've written a letter to Heather. I've made a couple copies. I am going to throw one of them out onto thepaths and one of them into the fire. I don't know if there's any way that she'll get it, but I have to havefaith, right? I've also taped one of them in here. I'm going to go do all of that and then Deb and I are goingto sit and talk for a while.

I dont remember if I showed you this. I love you. Thank you for sticking by me wall of this and for helping me process and move on. I know now that we both did


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My dear Heather,

How can I say any of this? How many times have I crafted this letter? How many times have I thoughtabout what to say to you? How many years have I spent denying that you were gone? How many timeshave I gone out into battle expecting to die, thinking about what happened, no, what I did to you? I knowthat a lot of my rage and the fuel that kept me fighting was my guilt.

I will admit that I was scared. Scared shitless that I would fall to some zombie or some stupid monsterand then I would have to face you and more importantly, face my guilt. I never forgave myself for whathappened. For... for killing you. I won't give you more excuses. I won't tell you what I told you again. Idon't need to tell you that I was scared, that I'm sorry, that I thought you would be safe. But I will tell youagain that I'm sorry.

This world got more and more fucked up since you left. The monsters we face every day get scarier andstronger. But there are some good people here too. The people here are fighting for humanity, in theirown fucked up kind of way. I won't say that I trust them all entirely, but I know that they've all got my back.

And some of them are good people. You'd like some of them too.

God, I miss you. I miss you every day. And I will never forget you. Ever.

But I just can't keep leaning on this guilt. It's killing me inside. It's holding me back. Heather, I'm not goingto let you go. It's taken me some time, but I've come to terms with the fact that you've passed on. You'resomewhere I can no longer go. It was hard enough to find you this time. Next time.... Well, I hope youdon't mind waiting for a little while since I don't think I'm heading that way anytime soon.

I'm going to keep fighting the monsters. I promised you. I'm not going to stop fighting and getting stronger.Maybe one day I'll believe that I'll be strong enough to save those I care about. Maybe one day I canmake up for what I've done. I won't forget what happened, but I need to forgive. I need to forgive myselffor killing you and I need to forgive you for leaving me.

I'm sorry, but I was angry. I didn't really realize it until recently, but I was angry at you for leaving me tolive in this fucked up world without you. Without anyone. And then I came to Temple and I found thesepeople and I couldn't... rely on them. I couldn't let them rely on me. I couldn't allow myself to let someone

else down like I did you. And I haven't. In the four years I've been fighting the monsters alongside thesecrazy people, I haven't let them down. So maybe I'm not as much a fuck up as I thought I was. Thank youfor believing in me. Thank you for leaving me with the faith that I might be able to look at myself in themirror without wanting to run away from this town screaming.

So the Elephant in the room. Yeah. I know. I can even see the look you'd be giving me right now. And Iknow how much you'd be glaring at me for how dumb I've been acting. I know you'd say that she and Iwould be good for each other. We're both hurting and we understand each other's pain. And I know you'dwant me to have someone nearby. I can hear you telling me to not be alone. I've been alone for far toolong.

Heather. I hope you're in a better place. People keep telling me that you are, but no one can tell meanything for certain. Nothing more than faith. All this arcane knowledge and all they can give me is faith.

So I guess I have to have a little faith. Because it's either that or dread the alternative.I miss you. I love you. That will never change. I hope you're still watching over me. I hope you're proud ofme. I'm going to keep fighting for you. Next time you look down on me, maybe you can see the old Adam,even if I'm beating a skeleton into a fine powder. And maybe one day, not anytime soon, we'll be togetheragain. But in the meanwhile, I'm going to try to live. And not be alone.

Thank you. I love you.-AdamPS. I love you.


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I m not sure I could have made it through all of that without your help and suppoyou for everything and I hope I was at least partly as much of a help to you as yoBecause of your help I was able to let go of the guilt and self-doubt I was holdinI m sorry it took me so long. Know that I love you more and more each day and m a better personevery day Im with you.Meanwhile, I want to go back and tell past me that sometimes time travel isnt all that bad. Sometimesit shows us amazingly happy things and gives you hope and joy. But Id probably just end up punchinmyself for being a time traveling anomaly.


27/45

May 2015

Ill admit, I was scared of going into the mental health clinic. Sitting outside while people like Meg andRobbie went in and hearing the screams and the pain was not making me look forward to going in theremyself. After dancing around the issue for months, Deb and I sat down to talk about it. We talked aboutwhat it would mean to go in there, how prepared I should be and what I might find in there. I definitelywasnt expecting what I saw, but thats skipping ahead. Also, Deb told me that she had signed up for oneherself. At the time, I thought she was going to have to go in there without me and... I wasnt sure I wasokay with that. But again, Im getting ahead of myself.

After I got and shared the results of my research regarding Maeglin and Eleanor, we drafted up a plan torescue Guillaume and have him talk to Eleanor and get her to help us. I was *not* very confident in howthis plan was going to go, but we really didnt have a better plan and as I like to say, Temples plans oftensuck, but theyre the best we have.

Which was about when we got attacked by a myriad of things like Skeltons and Spectres and Cleesh.The fighting was good to get me back into the swing of Temple and then this woman with a crown showsup and, whelp, its the Sarmation queen looking for Emily to give her those trials. It was good to see hergetting somewhere with that, but I was a little sad I couldnt help or ask the queen any questions.

Ive been thinking a lot about Valhalla and the Atavist afterlife since getting close to Deb. What happens ifI die? Where do I go? Do I get to see my loved ones? Will I get drafted to defend the mortal realm after Ipass on? I wish Catskin had come to town, I really wanted to talk to her about some of these things.

Once the combat had died down, all we could do is wait. We do a lot of waiting in Temple, but this waitingseemed... worse for some reason. And then of course the universe saw that I wasnt being tortured enough and saw fit to send a strange man up to me to ask me how I could do it. I didnt want to believethat some stranger was talking to me about Heather, but... Yeah. He was. And he wasnt just a he, he was a Teacher, one of those crazy things that erases peoples memories of them as they are there,essentially becoming invisible and undetectable.

He apparently finds people with interesting memories tied to strong emotions bright and honed in on meafter talking to Caleb for a while. He and Caleb and Jackson and I sat down to talk to him for a while. He

was apparently a Bus Drive r in Nova Scotia. He cant remember the name he used to have, so hes goingby John Smith because it sounds unassuming to him. We talked for quite a while about what Teachersare and the brightness of human minds. We showed him the stones and he explained that they wereessentially Teacher wi-fi extenders. He told us about Walking and offered to Teach it. So he put a seed ofWalking into Caleb, Jackson and me. Im not sure how I feel about this. It kinda feels like Im on somekind of drug or something. Every once in a while, I lose balance or something.

After that, we had to wait for Mark to come back to town and lead us to where we needed to go in theunderworld. Deb had looked into how to open up Brains spirit cage and found a way to do it as long asshe was in a face place in the underworld. I was afraid of what would come out. I was afraid that itwouldnt be Brain anymore and that whatever it was would try to kill us. But honestly, what I was trulyafraid of was that after seeing him, she wouldnt wa nt to be with me anymore. But no matter what, I knewI had to be there for her. I was there when we found his gun and cage and she was there when I sawHeather off. The two of us have been getting closer since Canada and... It just feels good. Knowing thatshes around and that we love each other has helped so very much staying in Temple and fighting.

So there was no question that I would go with her to the underworld. I held her hand as we walked furtherinto the darkness. I sat with her as she opened the Spirit Cage and stayed right behind her as Brianappeared. I was so afraid that he would attack her, that he would tell her that he blamed her. I wasworried that he would ask her to come with him through the final door. That she would choose to go withhim rather than stay with me. I knew that I was starting to get paranoid, but I couldnt let go of the fear thatthe world wasnt going to let me hold onto the good things I had managed to find.


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But things went smoothly. Brian talked to Deb and then he passed on. There was nothing I could do tomake it better or easier or anything. So I just held her hand and walked with her back to Temple. I wantedto hold her and never let go. I wanted to let her cry and hold her like she helped me when heather passedon. But that wasnt really going to be allowed. Nope. Not in Temple. Free time is a luxury we are notafforded.

Because very shortly after getting back, Mark came back to let us know he was ready to take us to findGuillaume. I wasnt sure going in how this was going to go, but I knew it wasnt going to be easy. Wefound him in a dark corner of the underworld, being tortured by one of Maeglins spectres. Thankfully ourteam of capable thugs was capable enough to deal with the spectres and such while we talked toGuillaume.

It wasnt easy to convince him to talk to his mother, seeing as how she had him executed. It was evenless easy to convince the two of them to talk amicably. And convincing her to listen to him and help us?Im still shocked we managed that. I talked to Eleanor while Peregrine talked to Guillaume. I told her thatthere are other paths and we needed to trus

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