teens'-

Ie(by Vicki Louk Balint

photo by' John Beckett

: writing aCOLL(;G(; (;SSAV

So begins Chrissie Clemency'scollege essay. Now, if you know •Chrissie, a Phoenix resident andsophomore' at . Gonzaga. Universityin' Spokane;. Wasn.~ you know her .passionfor shoes, fashion, and, well ,. .-, fun. She's never been one to takethings too seriously. She's friendlyand positive, creative and social ...and above' all, she has a heart waylarger than her enormous shoecollection.

But wait a minute! She actuallywrote about her shoes? For a collegeessay?

Writing about who you are,communicating your very essence,digging deep for the "you" inside -that's 'exactly what makes the differ-ence between a he-hum essay filledwith tired prose and platitudes andone that 'grabs the attention of theadmissions officer who places yourapplication in the coveted "yes"pile. But peeling away the layers tofind the real "you" is not alwayseasy, even though teens by naturespend many hours pondering whothey are and who they want to be.

Sarah Myers McGinry, professorof education at Harvard Universiryand author of Writing Yaur CoilegeAppliratiol1 Essay, notes that manyteens have had little experience. writing personal narratives' by thetime the application process begins..They can produce term papers.They can debate current issues or analyze literary characters.' Butwriting about the self is a challenge - for anyone.

"~very shoe has a storyto tell .and to know my shoes is to

know me."

admissions officers? How can par-ents encourage without gettingover-involved? Here are a few tipsto make the college essay writingexperience more bearable, perhapseven fulfilling and, just maybe, fun.o Get out the baby books, remi-nisce, talk, share ... before youwrite a single word. Chrissie'sfirst essay attempt was to writeabo~t how she felt about a famousquote. She struggled through theprocess, then showed a rough draftto her parents and teachers.

"No one was impressed," saysChrissie. "It just wasn't good, it·wasn't me. I thought there wouldbe a lot of essays chat sounded like it."

Back to square one. Chrissie'smom; Carol, encouraged her tolook through old letters, journals,artwork and baby books. Theyspent an afternoon in Chrissie'sroom, just talking. What -wasunique about Chrissie? And then,Chrissie says, "it just came to meone night. I have a very large shoecollection ... it just seemed fitting."

One online editing servicewebsite, accepted.com, suggestsexploring your identity throughfive categories: events, people,places, religion, or, as Chrissie did,one of your passions. Stare makingnotes only after you have thor-oughly discussed your ideas ..Thenspend some time sharing yourideas with others. Chrissie tappedin to the wisdom of one very dearadult friend.

"She would always give me shoe gifrs: .. she knows me so well ...I •

so I went over to her house to tell her I wanted to write about shoes,

Chrissie Clemency, ~f Phoenix. conveyed her uniquenesswhen she wrote about her passion for shoes in her col-lege application essay.This fall, she starts her sophomoreyear at Gonzaga University .

How can teens convey their unique sense of self to college how I wanted to connect myself with the shoes."

16 raising arizona kids· september 2004

• Write to the audience. The admissions team at any school ismade up' of individuals who vary in age as well as interests.According to tips from the admissions office at the University ofPuget Sound, some students imagiire these committees as being for-mal and stodgy, leading applicants. to write that way. Don't.Admissions committees are looking for accurate appraisals of eachstudent, which may mean the essay could be .funny or offbeat.Chrissie even got away with a :pun in her essay: 'If ever I tire fromthe hectic pace of school and work, my athletic shoes reprimand me,saying that coasting is no way}o feed the 'sole."

.;

• Don't use cliches. Be specific. Resist the. urge to load the essaywith multisyllabic vocabulary words. "My flip-flops have an openstructure and demand that 1 keep an open mind," Chrissie wrote,"and staying open to people's differences helps me as I work withothers." Paint a picture of what you want to get across by usingderails. Parke Murh, of the admissions office -at .the Llniversiry of.Virginia, wri res at length about the college essay s:.ln that school'swebsite. He urges applicants not to just tell, but to show what theymean by appealing to rhe senses: Everyone knows the airy freedomof sliding into a pair of flip flops. "An open design feeds an openmind," Chrissie wrote.

• Once you have a rough draft ....pass it around. Muth suggests '.that a writer read the essay out loud to someone who knows hirDlher.well. As painful as it may seem, teens n~d to ask.a -variery of peo-ple to read and comment on a first draft. Ask readers to be honest.Did it hold their interest? Does the essence 'of the .writer leap fromthe page? For Chrissie, this was terribly .!:;ardat-first. But. ir.helpedthat one requirement 'for her senior English: class was to hand :lfi acollege essay. Most were then read out loud to the Class, so she' wasnot alone .

. "1was nervous thinking they would think it was really srupid to writeabout shoes," She says. In the end, Chrissie asked students, teachers, fami-ly friends and relatives to read her essay.The comments-she received werea huge help. "It couldn't have turned out better," she-says.

• Proofread. Don't rely on your computer to check spelling andgrammar. Thi~ is not the time to allow even one simple error to getby. The college essay is the one part of your application ove~ whichyou have complete 'control, according to McGInty. It adds soraecolor to the black and white of the test scores and tthe grade pointaverage. It's' worth some extra effort, reflection and soul searching.

Take it a step at a.tirne, as Chrissie did: "I Iookforshoes that arestrong yet flexible, shoes that have a kind and compassionate fit;'shoes that recognize the universal need for comfori;'shoes rhatYalueuniqueness in others, and shoes that allow, room' for growth ....Putting one foot in front of tbe other, I follow my feet."

Vicki Louk Balint, of Phoenix, is the mother of Cory, 2I, Frankie, 17,

Robert, 13', and Emily Anne, I2. Reach her at vicki@raisingarizionakids.com.

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www.raisingarizonakids:com 17

Writing-the

Colleg~ApplicationEssay

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H the ,thoughtof writing a few hundred w,ords"tha't' willdecide your fate for the next four years has you :paralyzed .••. , .

~ \e, a deep breath. You can do it

First, remember mil,t the essay is only one pan: of thewhole. While ',it u,sually won't make or break an applica- .non, it 'Can help plead your case: "Any competitivescllool will have many applicants with good grades andhigh SAT scores," says Ellen Bales, assistant director of

admissionS at Columbia College of ColUmbia University. "Butwe alf know people With 1550 SATs who we wouldn't want tobe caught in an elevator with. .. That's where the' essay comesin. It gives you, ~e opponunity to shCiWwho you are beyondthe cold dau of test scores and grades.

What's 'Yo" Passion?How do you 'dedde what 'to write abOut? Choose a subjec:t thattruly matters'to you;' "S'rudenis should pi& a topic for whichtheY have' 'a genUine passion." says SCOtt Packer, assisunt deanof admissions at the Dnivers"ity ofVuginia. "Any subject canwork. Last year, someone Wrote about·growing up and seeingSanu CIa!lS at a hardw:aie store, This turned into a vehicle forulIcing about me'loSs of innocence. It was a great essay"

UI read a ~riUiant essay. :about.a student playing ~ a p\Ulkrock band." .notes Bales. "It 'included the histoty of punk rock.what it meant .to be a punkrocker, It even had an dement ofscholarship in it; some social science."...rhoosing a subject that matters to you goes double if you're

_ LITERAllY CAVAlCADE

asked to discuss a work of an: or literature. "They all pickUzuht'r in tht,Ryt, or To /Gil a Mockingbird. or-whatever theyread last week in AP English," adds Packer. While there'snothing wrong :with writing about any of these books, PackernoteS that if you choose to "approach a common topic, youshould do it in an uncommon way."

·We want to know your goals," says Tom Taylor.asSisnnt provost for recrultment at the University ofMaryland-Baltimore County. "That you're not going tojust sit in.a classroom for four~. We want to knowwhat .you want to achieve."

"W~ look fOr'thlngs that show you have acn,Wly begun top~,youmlf,~ says Erica Henderson. assistant director ofrecruitment at Hamp~on University. "Every day. ·the world isbecoming so much smaller. we want to 'see baw students willinW'aCt with people from--otbe.r cities. states, and pam of theworld, We want to see that they are seeing the bigger picture."

.. '1ememIttr the BasicsAny essay. DO matter how gJ'C2t its subject. will be undone bybad mechanics. Y<;>uressay must use grammatically cometEnglish. -It's very painful to. read a student who gets goodgrades. but can't put together a complete sentence," saysTom Taylor. .

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Another basic rule? AnftlICr thequestion that', asked. At Hampton.applicants are asked to write ona.ssigned topics, but clOn't~do it: "Often stUdents are giftD aD

assignment in schoo~ and instead ofwriting ow essay.will we the schoolassignment," sa~ Henderson. "Wewant _them to keep to the topic. •

Paul White. direaor of under-~ adraissioDs at Johns HopkinsUni~ity, added another basjcmninder. Make sure you get theschOOl', name right-hc tceeivcatoo many appliation,s every yearaddtased to jolm Hopkins. .

Detais 10r1NitJWha-~ _thetopic, admissionsofficers w-ant to see it describedwith preciSion. "it's details, ratherthan generalizations, dw make anessay great: says-·~r. "Goingon .vacation With yout family is acommon tOpic. How can you makesomething special out of it?" Heread from an essay in which astUdtht described how vacation"smelled like pine w, tasted likeokra fresh from the garden."

Detailed writing means avoidingclich~, and not squec:zing in all thevocabulary words you know. "Somestudents keep their thesaurus toodose to the desk." sa}'1Packer."I see ~ lQt of 'lugubrious' aunaand uncles." ...

Be IHneIf"You don', have to be cute orunique;· 1a}'1Taylor. "You simplyhave to have. the ability to articulatewhat you want to -say:

"Solilc StUdents try to JDimicwhat they think we wan~-to read, ..says Padcr. That's WlOn8, he added.a sen~ent echoed bY the othuadm,issions officers. "It's dearwhen someone has written whatthey think is an awhority-plcasingessay." says Bales. "It doesn't ringtrue." FlnaJ!y. according to PaulWhite, "The essay shc;uld-soundas if a 17-year-old wrote it."

1'7

Model Essaysnne a ,1.1 If IICCtIIfII coDep .,,acatiollSSlJl foIIotLlI JOI reM 1M, try, ----.iIHtifJ .., ley .. tffICtiM. n..min 1M IIgIStioa for IritiJ& JOII' 011 au).

Icouldn't honestly answer yes. Itriedbani to sW.I while Iwas thirlking of howIcould convince him that I~ didhave a license. but somehow couldn'tlocate it bcfo~ I lcfr the house. However.while my mind was aying.to make upIOmething, my mouth said no.

Shoreb' dwea:fter. a real pOlicemanarrived on the scene, verified the facts,wrote m~ a ticket and court summonsand then proceeded to try to find some-one to jump-sw-t·the car and drive ithome (legally). Ifound die party andasked twO friendJ- for their help. Aftera search for j~pet abies. we had anuneventful ride home.·l got out of theear, thanked Kent and Devonne andtwned ~und to see my mother andfather.,pull, up. ·Hold:.~c,right there.young man!" After Iexplained thatKent an~ -Dcvbnne.had.~one -nodlingother than drive-rnehome, and myfather told me_in no unccnain tcrmshis opinion of niY-actions, my ·parentsand Ihad a long discussion.

Earliu in die evening. had lbeenasked, I would have stated my motiva-tion for this escapade to ~ somethingalong thdines of ·~gerOus fun." -But. -once subjected to greaICt scrutiny. eventhe 'concept of "dangerous fun'; has itsrooa in somcdw,g else -:•• peer-pte$-sure. It mayor may not seein incredibleto you that peer p~ could causeSOJDCOneto go joy riding in their par-CDt'sCat, but thar was my only ~motivation. Because of this in~dent.I -am mUCh~o~ aware of tbU problem.~d this awmn~ helps me make much

·-mcre.prudmt deciSions about schoolap4 my social life.

The ticket and court summons wereresolved when me judge ~ the caseout bcc:ause -the pollee officer ncver sawme acnialIy driving the Cat. Ihad to payS14 in cOurt costs.l.ooking back, I real-ized that if I had thought quickly andlied. I might have gone home scot-free.

SEPTL\tBER 1996 D ........

A's IWU. driving down the parlnrny, Ihad JCa)oci thougba (loa of them)and aJmc.t went suaipt home. but

I thought "Wow! lMnJ on the cdge!"and kept going. Depending on yowpoint of view, you may or may not viewdriving a 72 Oldsmobile VlSt2 Cruiserstation wagon without a license as dan-gerous. Idid. Part of my motivation wasthis _concept of ·dangerow fun," whicha~ me to "COmpletdyaban~n myvalues and ethics for the sole purposeof atten4ing a party. Howevu. Doneof my second thougb~ managed tonay_n;u: from driving on.

When I reached the neighborhoodwhere this social·evan of the )'QI' wastaking place, I ~ ~ lrealiy hadno idCa where it was and promp~ gotlost. I thought about driving homeand forgetting the whole thing. butan impulsive and foolish thoughtentered my mind. This thought was·Wow! What a story this will make!"Now my ~e was really pumpingas Iwas imagining the manner in whichmy exploits waul,!" be glorified onMonday morning.

But, as I was making a U-tum. fate .incervened and the car sullcd right inthe middle of a sueet, completdy block-ing it.After about 10 minutes of utterlyfutile attempa to SQrt the at, the longarm of the law JaChc:d out inme formof a neighborhood guaM (whO ~ no~ powers of amsund is- ~dyaddre.d by the "tftndy set as rent-a-cop). Uh ob. What ifbe asb me formy d,rMr's license? Now I had t9 thinkup a reasonably plawi~ story/fabrica-. tioni6b1lle to teD dUa man ifhea,shdto ICC my driVer'j licmse. The firSt q~tion OUt of his mouth was. "00 you havea driver's licmse. son?" The only one that -