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Like most couples, Mike and Alice,* who are former clients of mine, looked forward to retirement: no more battling

rush hour traffic, keeping up with demanding schedules, or budgeting vacation days. Retiring would mean freedom and spontaneity, doing what they want, when they want.

When they retired, Mike and Alice moved to another state to be near their children. Alice volunteers at her church and the local community center three days a week and spends three afternoons a week caring for her grandchildren. On weekends, she often organizes neighborhood parties and hosts family gatherings. Alice loves socializing and has easily made several new friends.

Mike, on the Other Hand, Is Less Content With Life After Retirement

Mike misses the home where he and Alice lived for 40 years. He likes being near his children and enjoys being a grandfather, but he’s never quite sure whether he’s overstepping his boundaries, which he thinks Alice has done. Mike is also more reserved. He hasn’t made many new friends, except for a few acquaintances at church and a couple of neighbors. He hasn’t admitted it to Alice, but he’s lonely.

?Many Couples Have Different Visions

Couples may not realize they have different visions for the future until they’re already living two very different—if not entirely separate—retirements.

*Names have been changed for confidentiality purposes.

You Say “Toma to,” I Say “Tomäto”A couple’s guide to aligning your individual visions for retirement

By Kristy L. Archuleta, Ph.D., LMFT

They were both looking forward to retirement, but the transition to retirement isn’t what they expected.

Alice is in her element while Mike is not—and that’s causing tension and stress in the relationship.

Retirement Bliss, or Retirement Blues?

Many couples nearing a transitional period later in life, including those retiring or becoming empty nesters, anticipate the idyllic life depicted in, well, just about every retirement brochure ever. Having more free time and grown, independent children makes way for things like long walks on the beach with the golden retriever, bike rides in wine country, and sailing on the lake.

The couples on those brochures are always smiling, depicting retirement as full of freedom, less stress, and less worry. It’s literally picture-perfect, right?

For many couples, the transition to these next phases of life is everything they’d hoped for. But for others, the next chapter can be a rude awakening.

Which category will you be in?

This white paper can give can give you clues about which category you might fall into, and how to help you prepare for a successful transition.

What We’ll Cover:

1. Many Couples Have Unspoken Expectations

2. Elements of a Shared Vision

3. Getting Aligned

1You probably have expectations of the ideal retirement or empty-nest phase, and so does your spouse. But many couples are living on the assumption that their expectations are shared, even though they haven’t voiced or discussed them with their spouse or partner—the person they’re going to spend more time with than ever before.

But What if Those Expectations Don’t Match Up?

For example, you may be picturing traveling and adventures abroad while your spouse is envisioning relaxing at home and playing golf. Your spouse may want to buy a beach house, but you don’t want to spend the money or be far from your family. Maybe you’re planning on a leisurely retirement, but your spouse wants to start a business or second career.

Initially, the differences may not seem like a big deal or reason for concern. But eventually they can lead to conflict and resentment as these differing expectations become more pronounced, and your lives move in different directions as you pursue separate interests.

Individuals can assume that, especially after knowing one another for decades, they want the same things in retirement. Because of these assumptions, they don’t talk about it. Or, life’s more immediate concerns, such as work, caring for a child or loved one, or even their social lives have taken priority over discussing a retirement vision.

As a result, some couples enter these transitions with different visions that don’t line up—and they’re not even aware of it. Some symptoms of a broader disconnect include an uptick in bickering, feeling increasingly frustrated or annoyed with your partner, and becoming more emotionally distanced—either via spending less time together or hardly talking when you are together.

How can you do a better job of sharing your visions for these transitions with each other? And what, specifically, do you need to talk about?

Many Couples Have Unspoken Expectations

3

2

ValuesYour values are the things that you believe are important; they guide and shape your life, and they’re reflected in the way you live and work. They help determine your priorities, and, on a deeper level, they can affect how satisfied you are with your life.

To define your values, think about the people and things you care about the most.

• Family

If you have children, grandchildren, or living parents, think about how frequently you’d like to visit them. You may want to move near your children who live three states away from where you raised your family. Your children, however, might have a different point of view.

Consider how involved you want to be in their lives. This particular area can be complicated and isn’t entirely your own decision to make. Ask your children how involved they want you to be in their lives—this is not a time to make assumptions.

Conversely, you may have adult children who are financially or emotionally dependent on you. You may need to set boundaries with your children so they don’t become over-reliant or drain your retirement funds. If they need financial or caregiving support, consider what kind of support you would like to provide, and how much.

• Volunteering/Charity Work

Most retirees, 70% in fact, say being generous provides a significant source of happiness. Retirees who are active in charities not only have a have a stronger sense of purpose and higher self-esteem, they have lower rates of depression—and even lower mortality rates.1

Some volunteer opportunities are low-commitment, while others can be more demanding, requiring more of our time and energy—and sometimes, our finances. Consider how much of each of those things you’d like to commit to the causes you support.

Something that’s often overlooked is the emotional commitment of volunteering. That’s not always a bad thing, but it can brim over into your relationships, either leaving you emotionally drained or without the capacity to be emotionally available to your partner.

When we’re living a life that’s consistent with our values, we feel more at peace and satisfied. But when life is out of sync with our values, we can experience frustration and a lack of fulfillment.

Elements of a Shared Vision

PROVIDES A SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF

70%

HAPPINESS

BEINGGENEROUS

OF RETIREES SAY

1

As I’ve counseled couples for more than 15 years, helping them to recognize these issues and coaching them to create solutions, I’ve identified four critical areas couples should discuss as they get closer to these transitions.

Four Categories for Creating a Shared Vision

Passions & InterestsWhen work and family obligations decrease, it creates an opportunity to explore the activities, hobbies, or interests that are enjoyable and provide personal enrichment.

Consider the passions and interests you’d like to pursue, or continue pursuing, when you have more freedom to do so.

• Work

Some people can’t wait to stop working. On the other hand, many are working into their later years, and often as a preference, not a financial requirement. In addition to providing mental stimulation and a sense of purpose and accomplishment, this frequently provides a source of recognition.

Work also provides a built-in social network and adds structure to our days. When the long-standing routine of work abruptly comes to an end, the change can be jarring. (While the change may not be as dramatic, for empty nesters, the feeling can be similar.)

If you’re working, think about the aspects that you enjoy; how you’d feel if you stopped, what would change, and even what you might miss. It could affect your decision of when to fully retire, to simply work less, or to shift gears entirely and seek your encore career.

• Recreation

Recreational activities can boost our physical and mental health and, ultimately, improve quality of life. Often, these pursuits are lower on our priority lists simply because work and family-related commitments come first, leaving little room for recreation. But when you stop working—or work less—and the kids are gone, you can pursue passions and interests you previously didn’t have time for, or even explore new ones.

Consider the recreational activities you’d like to engage in; how often; whether there’s a specific place you need to do them; and any financial impacts. This also creates an opportunity to pursue passions and interests you previously didn’t have time for, or even explore new ones.

• Friends & Social Activities

As we get older, friendships can stave off loneliness, improve your health, boost your sense of well-being, and even add to your years.3

But not everyone has a large circle of friends or craves frequent company. One spouse often has more friends and has a greater desire to spend time with them. Think about how much time you’ll spend with those friends, and how closely located you’d like to be to them to help ensure that.

This is a common unspoken expectation. Alice needed to spend time with her friends; her friendships are important to her well-being and state of mind. Mike, however, didn’t require as much time with his friends—he preferred to spend his time with Alice. Mike’s frustrations with their relationship intensified when Alice was spending more time with her friends than with him. He’d never expressed to Alice that he’d like more time with her. Instead, he’d become increasingly short-tempered and less patient when listening to Alice talk about what she and her friends discussed, or what they did on a particular day. Mike felt short-changed and neglected.

The transition to retirement or an empty nest can create a sudden void in your life that used to be automatically filled with social relationships at work and family activities. This can create feelings ranging from boredom and loneliness to a lack of contentment. Think about how rewarding social and family relationships are to you, and what you can do to maintain those relationships, create new connections, or both.

7 HRS65+ SPEND

LEISURE

AMERICANS

A DAY ON

ACTIVITIES2

5

LocationIn the past, many retirees considered climate to be a priority when choosing where they wanted to live. Florida is still ranked as the best place to retire, but it’s not for everyone. But location implies much more than warm and sunny temperatures.

Seventy-six percent of Americans age 50 and older say they’d actually prefer to remain in their current home, and 77% would like to live in their community as long as possible.4 Staying in one’s home or community allows them to not only maintain a degree of independence, but home and community can also provide familiarity, comfort, and security. There’s also the question of living in a city, a town, a suburb, a rural area, or sometimes even another country.

Regardless of where you decide to live, what type of home do you want to have? A single-family home? A lower-maintenance apartment or condo? An active living community for residents age 55 and older?

Weigh the pros and cons of each of these options. Talk to people who’ve made these types of changes to hear their experiences. Alice wanted to be near her grandchildren and was happy in their new home, but for Mike, it was a little too close for comfort.

MoneyMoney has been cited as the number-one reason couples argue.4 Tension can increase in retirement when income is reduced or has stopped altogether. Couples can find themselves at odds over how to spend their money: One person may want to reap the fruits of their years of hard work and spend more freely, while the other may want to pinch pennies over a looming fear of running out of money.

Seventy-three percent of couples report having money-management styles that differ from their partners.5 On the other hand, this can be beneficial, as spenders and savers can complement one another so that they can actually enjoy what they’ve worked so hard for without exhausting their savings.

Depending on how you and your spouse differ in your spending and saving approaches, consider ways each of you can comfortably enjoy what you’ve earned while keeping anxiety at bay.

73%MONEYSTYLES

DIFFERENT

MANAGEMENT

OF COUPLES HAVE

5

76%

HOMESTAY IN THEIR

OF AMERICANS 50+ WANT TO

CURRENT

77%LIVE IN THEIR

AS LONG ASPOSSIBLE

OF AMERICANS 50+ WANT TO

COMMUNITY4

At the beginning I said it can be hard to know ahead of time whether you’re in for a smooth transition or a rocky one. This section can help you develop and share your vision for the transitions that lay ahead. The corresponding worksheet will walk you and your spouse or partner through this exercise. Sharing Your Vision

Retirement may mean something different to each of you, and that’s okay—as long as you have a plan to make it work. The worksheet can serve can serve as a guide to talking about your goals and dreams now, so you can work toward making them mesh later on. The sooner you are aware of each other’s goal, the more time you have to work toward a shared vision for retirement.

By taking a step back to think about what you want and expressing it to your spouse or partner, you can begin building a joint vision. This is an opportunity to avoid conflict and have a more seamless transition.

If Your Visions Deviate, Consider Making Some Adjustments and Find Middle Ground

Based on your worksheet answers, if your visions are fairly aligned, it could indicate that you’re in for a pretty smooth transition. If you’re visions seem very different, your transition could be rocky.

However, I do believe that by identifying how you feel about the five key categories and discussing how your expectations impact the retirement or empty-nest phases of life, you’re putting yourself in a better position to live the retirement you’d envisioned.

Will a Worksheet Really Help Us?

You might be thinking, “Can we really know how things will turn out, even if we put in all this effort?” Based on my experience, couples who discussed these things ahead of time found the process to be much smoother than those who ran on assumptions.

An Ongoing Process It’s important to recognize that while the questions and activities on the worksheet can act as the groundwork for a strong foundation as a couple heads into the future, these are not one-time activities. Couples who transition easier into the next phase of life continue to practice and implement these skills on a daily basis.

Any couple who has been together for many years knows that a relationship takes hard work—and often, these transitions make that work even harder. Couples should revisit the questions from the worksheet frequently. If you find that you and your partner are in constant conflict or at an impasse, it may be advisable to see a relationship therapist to work through those issues.

Getting Aligned3

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Things to Remember When Creating Your Shared Vision

First, keep in mind that your spouse or partner simply may not be aware of your retirement expectations. Second, there are several elements to consider when creating your retirement vision. Third, our worksheet can help you and your spouse share your individual visions for retirement and strike a balance where any gaps exist.

Some surprises are inevitable because circumstances or situations change. However, the more you and your partner understand each other’s expectations—and the sooner—the better prepared you’ll be.

A Smooth Transition Is Possible, But It May Take a Little Work

You can avoid the unpleasant surprises Mike and Alice experienced during their own transitions. They were eventually were able to increase their happiness in their relationship with one another. But, it took work. They both had to make changes. Once Alice realized that Mike was lonely, she created more space for time with him. Once Mike felt like he had a purpose in not only his kids’ lives but also in Alice’s life, his distress decreased and he did more things he enjoyed, including making more friends and joining a men’s golfing group.

It’s Never Too Early to Start

You can avoid being caught off guard the way Mike and Alice were during their transition. Get ahead of your own transition so you can work on aligning your goals early on, both to avoid unwelcome surprises and, ultimately, have a smooth transition. A shared retirement vision that’s well thought out can help you identify what you want. Communicating it to your spouse and seeing how your individual visions compare will help you reshape your vision and ensure that each of your needs and desires are met.

Remember, this isn’t about “negotiating” what you get to achieve at the expense of what your partner gets to achieve—it’s about planning together as a couple for a life that’s satisfying for both of you.

8 hartfordfunds.com 888-843-7824 hartfordfunds.com/linkedin

Sources:1 7 Reasons to Volunteer in Retirement, money.usnews.com, 11/16/15, most recent data available2 Bureau of Labor Statistics News release, Table 11A, 2018 annual averages bls.gov, USDL-19-1003, 6/19/193 The Healing Power of Friendship Grows With Age, everydayhealth.com, 4/26/194 2018 Home and Community Preferences: A National Survey of Adults Age 18-Plus, aarp.org, 8/185 The No. 1 Reason Why Couples Fight, investopedia.com, 1/3/19

The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the author, who is not affiliated with Hartford Funds. The information contained herein should not be construed as investment advice or a recommendation of any product or service nor should it be relied upon to, replace the advice of an investor’s own professional legal, tax and financial advisors.

Hartford Funds Distributors, LLC, Member FINRA. MAI182_0919 213726

Next Steps

1. Complete your worksheets individually

2. Share your answers with one another

3. Note similarities and differences in your individual visions

Kristy L. Archuleta, Ph.D., LMFT, is an associate professor in the University of Georgia’s College of Family and Consumer Sciences.

Dr. Archuleta’s research relates to the area of financial therapy and includes dyadic processes influencing financial satisfaction and marital satisfaction.

Dr. Archuleta is a past President of the Financial Therapy Association.