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I dont care what people think of me. How many times have you heard those words? How many times

have said it yourself? More importantly, how true is it?

Considering all that we learn about peer pressure as children, its not surprising that we grow up trying

desperately to appear immune to the thoughts an opinions of others. As adults, many of us find it so

very hard to admit that we crave validation and support. But then theres the truth.

We do indeed care, at least to some extent, what people say and think about us. None of us truly wears

a thick, impenetrable skin that protects our hearts from the pain of feeling left out or misjudged.

When It Hurts the Most

You may have noticed that there are certain things people can say about you that dont matter at all;

whereas other subjects bother you much more than you can shamelessly admit. The latter topics are

your triggers and theres a reason for their existence.

So, what gets under your skin? What really, really puts you on the defensive?

Think about a time when someone criticized you or expressed a particular opinion that really angered or

hurt you. Maybe they said you were ignorant, fat, naive or selfish. Maybe they said something negative

about your political standing, parenting skills, work performance or religious faith. If you found yourself

feeling torn between two hopelessly ineffective options: pretending not to care versus lashing out in

defense of your turf, this is likely a trigger for you.

Where Do Triggers Come From

There is no all-encompassing answer, but the two primary trigger producers are personal values and

beliefs. Lets say someone calls you stupid. If you are extremely confident in yourself as a scholar, you

may laugh at the comment and have absolutely no feelings about it. In fact, you may think the other

person was obviously at a loss for words. Ha!

On the other hand, if intelligence is a strong value for you and your father always said he wished you

were smart like your brother, your confidence in this area may be lacking. You could have developed an

unhealthy belief about yourself by taking over your dads role of viewing you in a limited, doubt-infused

light. Perfect recipe for a trigger!

In such situations, when a person says something negative about you, it is not just their words that you

react to. Their words are simply one more drop of gasoline on an already raging fire. What you react to

is the connection their statement makes with the voice in your head, the repressed feelings that

bubbled up without your consent, the unexpressed and unprocessed pain that youve been busy

pretending not to notice.

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While values and beliefs usually work together to create and strengthen our triggers, there are times

when one of the two appears to be working overtime.

Lets say you strongly value fairness and you have no doubt that you are a fair person. If youre accused

of selfishly taking advantage of people, you may feel deeply hurt despite the confidence you have in this

area. Why is that?

The reaction you experience is, once again, not just based on the other persons statements. However,

in this case it is also not a reflection of an underlying belief about yourself. It is a reaction to your

feelings about this particular value and its opposite. When it comes to our strongest values, we often

find their opposites completely intolerable. We may judge those opposites so harshly that we find them

distressing, painful to notice and impossible to live with. The only thing worse than seeing the lack of our

strongest value in others is having that lack attributed to us.

For example, no matter how confident a person is of her conservative values, being called a liberal

would trigger a strong reaction if shes seriously opposed to liberal viewpoints. A democrat may feel

similarly about being called a Republican, a Christian about being accused of Paganism, and the list goes

on. The negative feelings that come up are less related to the value that you hold and more related to

what you are against.

You Care Now What?

As always, theres a silver lining to this cloud. First things first. Its important to know that it is okay to

have feelings about what other people say or think about you. Words are just words and opinions are

just opinions. But sometimes they sting. Fortunately, we can use that sting to our advantage.

Even the most stinging emotional responses are nothing more than feedback. This feedback is

something that our triggers supply to us. They tell us things about ourselves that we may not yet realize.

They help us to more clearly see our path and to realize when were harboring resistance to the paths of

others. But thats not it.

The feelings we have about what people think of us is a natural residue of the inherent connection that

we all have to each other. It provokes thought and enhances our level of consciousness, thereby helping

us to discover who we are, what purpose we are here to serve, where we fit in the world and what

makes us special as individuals. It also aids us in the development of awareness by bringing clarity to the

values we hold dear, while bringing underlying beliefs and stuffed feelings to the surface.

Neither getting defensive, trying to sway others toward your values or pretending not to give a damnwill make a positive difference in your life. Dont you want to create a space for real learning, personal

growth and enlightenment?

The only answer is to be true to yourself. Rather than hiding behind, I dont care what people think of

me, give yourself permission to be real. Notice what comes up when people say things about you that

you dont like. Pay close attention to your thoughts, acknowledge how you feel and reflect upon what it

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truly means for you. None of this means that you need to change yourself based on someone elses

opinions. In fact, what Im saying is quite the opposite.

As you move forward with your day, it is my hope that you realize one thing: It is okay to feel whatever

you feel. There is no room for shame or denial of what comes up for you. To do so is to takeaway your

right to be yourself and to live a completely authentic life.

In relation to criticism and all else, wherever you are right now is the perfect place for YOUR expansion.

Do not apologize for feeling or caring or wishing things were different. Most importantly, do not

apologize for being you.