you are entirely engrossed in your own body and the
TRANSCRIPT
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You are entirely engrossed in your own body and the life it holds. It is as if
you were in the grip of a powerful force; as if a wave had lifted you above
and beyond everyone else. In this way there is always a part of a pregnant
woman that is unreachable and is reserved for the future - her baby.
-Sophia Loren
January 3, 1994
I dreamed last night that Kathi told me to wear a certain kind of
truss and the baby would come on May 16th. I wasn't even showing yet and
it was May so I said I should wait. Finally, I decided to wear it and she
said that now I would deliver on June 16th. We'll see. Cori said I should
note that I've been eating a lot of oranges. We'll have to see if the baby
has an intolerance for oranges later in life.
Ale'
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O my Lord, I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to
be a praise-worthy child in Thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor
and Thy generosity; to develop and to grow up under the charge of Thine
education. Verily, Thou art the Gracious! Verily, Thou art the Lord of Great
Favor!
-Prayer for Expectant Mothers,Baha'i Prayers, p.66
January 4, 1994
I was reading a prayer about "I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord." I
often read the prayer for pregnant women about "dedicating that which is
in my womb to Thee." Now this act of dedication and its implications aredawning on me. I think it means that I do not belong to me and my baby
does not belong to me. We belong to God. Therefore, whatever happens,
even to the point of losing the baby, well, it's okay in the big picture.
Because I've given the baby to God. A deeper interpretation can be
considered when thinking about dedicating statues or memorials to past
heroes or events. That statues become living symbols and representations
of that which we want to remember. We are living talismans of the One
true God, symbols of His sovereignty, glory, majesty, love and mercy...Even
so, I still don't feel like the baby is, in its essence, mine. It still goes to
God. We are His.
Ale'
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There is an amazed curiosity in every young mother. It is strangely
miraculous to see and to hold a living being formed within oneself and issued
forth from oneself.
-Simone De Beauvoir
Tuesday, January 25, 1994
My first sonogram.
I had the sonogram yesterday. I saw her arch her back, move her
mouth, play with the cord, and kick me with both feet. The technician
zoned in on the crotch and enlarged it - searching for a penis. She didn't
see one. She said she was "confident it's a girl". Bill got the run-around by
the receptionist who said I wasn't there. He left to look for me in case I
was stuck in the driveway (worst ice storm I ever saw the previous week).
Anyway, he missed it. We've got the best photos, people tell me. They're
very clear.
The baby is in another growing spurt. I went for about a week and ahalf and didn't feel pregnant at all. Then, suddenly on Friday night, I
started feeling the twinges and pulls again. I love it. I love the whole
thing! And I feel completely confident and have no anxiety about the labor
and delivery. Yoga class is training me to relax and La Leche League is
providing information and support from other mothers.
Ale'
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January 31, 1994
18th week - 4 1/2 months.
I'm sure I've felt the baby move. When she tosses or flips, it feels
like a flutter. When she punches or kicks it feels like a gas bubble. We
finished the lullaby on Sunday, "Melody and Me". I wrote the words and
melody, and Bill put the music together. I played it against my tummy
today and I felt her jump. She was probably startled by the sound. Maybe
with repetition, she'll get used to it. I'm also starting to talk to her - just
like I talk to the cats. I'm convinced that I first felt her flutter backwhen I wrote about it (12/27). Now I recognize the feeling. If it turns
out that it's a boy, it'll be an awfully funny joke. When I saw her lying on
her back with her legs in the air, I asked myself, "Now, I wonder who she's
taking after here?"
Ale'
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February 2, 1994
Groundhog Day.
I saw the baby kick last night. I started feeling her so I looked at
my tummy and saw her kick twice. Then I told Bill about it. We watched
for a long time but it never happened again.
I play the lullaby several times a day by putting head phones around
my belly. Just now I lay back in my chair, took a deep breath to relax and
played her the lullaby through the headphones. She began to move and
kick. When the song was over, I tapped my tummy and she kicked my hand.We did this twice. This is fun. I love being aware of her and carrying her
around with me all the time.
I'm glad she's a girl. The world needs more evolved females,
especially female Baha'is. Even if she turns out to be a boy, as a Baha'i he
will help harmonize the influence of this testosterone-dominated society.
Ale'
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Me and Melody
We're together, you and me.
Singing of what is to be.
I'm for you and you're for me.
I adore my Melody.
-Ale' and Bill Hession
February 23, 1994
5 months, 1 week.
The baby's movements are stronger, her kicks are more distinct.
Sometimes she seems to be tickling the bottom of my stomach. Bill has
finally been able to feel her. We sent Mom and Dad the Christmas video
with the lullaby taped on the end. I lip-synched to it in Bill's studio and Bill
taped me. Mom called me the night she heard it. She said it was so sweet
she bawled through the whole thing. Aunt Nancy and Uncle Andy were
visiting them and they got to see it too.
I'm growing so fast, but fortunately it's all in my tummy. I weigh
about 126. I look so cute and pregnant today. I just found out last night
(Bill told me) that your belly button disappears as the stomach stretches
so much. Wow! I never knew about this. I'm giggling all day today - I look
so cute and I'm so happy to be pregnant
Ale'
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March 1, 1994
1st Day of Fast - 5 1/2 months (Doctor says only 21 weeks)
My prenatal visit was yesterday. The doctor says the sonogram
showed that all organs were there and forming normally. And the AFP was
normal. I wall-papered the nursery on Sunday with a photomural of air
balloons over a river (aerial view). It covers an entire wall. Cori helped
with the first three panels - the first two were the hardest. We started
at 2:30. I finished at 8:30 and started the compression on the computer.
I was up and down all night until 4:00 am.By morning I was so sore I thought I might've strained something too
much. I almost cried telling the nurse that I thought I killed the baby.
The doctor checked my cervix and gave me a pelvic exam just to make sure.
I stayed home from work to rest but ended up shopping for Ayyam'i'Ha
presents until 3:00 pm. Dan, Nicky and Nicky's friend came over last night
for an Ayyam'i'Ha party. I had a buffet dinner ready with candles and
incense and presents wrapped. Erica and Bill were late arriving but when
they walked in, Bill was carrying a high chair his mother gave me and Erica
was carrying a present wrapped for me. I was so touched that they
participated in the gift-giving with me for my sake. The present was gift-
wrapped from Laura Ashley. It was a lovely maternity dress. Erica said
she picked it out. The high chair was an antique that Mama Hession had
refinished and wanted to give me for Easter, but it was ready today, so she
had Bill bring it. She didn't know it was a special day for me, but I was so
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happy it came on Ayyam'i'Ha. Bill took a picture of me standing by it for
Mom and Dad. Last night, Bill said that Ayyam'i'Ha was a lot of fun this
year. I was so happy, after being so depressed and exhausted after
Sunday night. I'm so happy. I appreciate Bill so much.
Ale'
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March 14, 1994
23 weeks (8 inches)
...I'm reading a lot about life in the womb. Melody's capacity for
feeling and reactions amaze me and want me to be even more cognizant of
my attitude - she picks up on it. I talk to her a lot now. She's getting so
big and so responsive. I want to do the best I can, but this lady said to me
tonight not to be so hard on myself- stop trying to be perfect. She's
right. Just have fun with it - and I am. So is Bill. He talks to her - gets
right down at my belly and puts his mouth on me and talks to her.
Ale'
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April 20, 1994
Wednesday - 3rd Trimester - 137 lbs.
She's getting so big. Now I have occasional feelings of "how am I
going to get her out?" But I realize it happens every day. We're taking
pictures of me for Mom and Dad.
The major issues have been the "family bed" for nighttime nursing
and how to meet Erica's needs. Bill played out at AL Gators on Saturday
and the music was so loud that the baby cringed and kicked and squirmed in
protest. I stood at the back of the room away from the speakers so itwouldn't be so loud and she calmed down. I left early - right after his set -
because I didn't think it was fair to continue to upset her. Her
communication is so clear. I had a lemonade one afternoon and 15 minutes
later, she went crazy - kicking and squirming. I figured out that she didn't
like the sour taste in the amniotic fluid. When I eat sweets, she wriggles,
waves her arms - she likes it. When I eat something she doesn't like - she
kicks. I realize she has a will of her own now that she is trying to express.
I never heard much about this before. I guess most mothers are not very
aware of what their babies are trying to communicate.
I forgot to mention the coolest bonding I've done with her.
Sometimes she presses a part of her body out so it bulges. If I start to
rub there, she will position herself so that she is backed up against my
hand so I can rub her back (it is probably her back because it is so large
and curved, not a small bulge). She will calm down when I do this.
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May 31, 1994
Last month - 142 lbs.
I am constantly more uncomfortable. When I sleep, walk, or in bed. I
wake up every 2 hours at night. I feel like I need a nap every afternoon
and try to take one. The only thing that makes my body feel better is
drinking water - all day. If I miss a day I suffer that night.
Melody is so strong. She doesn't kick but she stretches her legs and
it feels like she's bruising me from the inside. I think she goes crazy when
I lay on my right side because the placenta is there and it cuts off herblood flow.
Cori surprised me completely by throwing the shower at work. She
got Erica there, with Grandma and Aunt Claudia.
Erica's attitude is still very positive and she feels very much part of
what's going on. I'm so glad.
..I feel very confident about my choices and abilities when in labor.
I'm open to the possibilities of things not turning out like I hope they will.
I will do the best I can and so will everyone else. Whatever happens,
whatever goes wrong, we will recover.
I am ready to get the baby out though. I have to work very hard on
my attitude this last month.
Ale'
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June 10, 1994
Week 36 (3 weeks to go)
I realize that I've been concentrating all of my reading on the
pregnancy, labor and birth and nothing on how to take care of a baby!
That's so funny...So now I'm reading The Baby Book by William Sears. The
only baby book I had read was Nighttime Parenting.
I am focusing my attention on being committed to appreciating the
first 3 months of Melody's life. I don't want to get sucked into "post-
partum" this and "no sleep" that. I want to fully appreciate the firstcreative moments, days, weeks of her life because once they are over, it's
gone forever. That freshness, newness of the creative process will never
be available to her and me again. I do feel so positive. I feel no fear nor
anxiety at all. I know I can see it all through.
Ale'
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June 16, 1994
Second weekly doctor's appointment.
The doctor says the baby has dropped and is almost totally engaged.
She can still feel her head floating around a bit. The weight on my back
and pelvis was so uncomfortable that I stayed home from work yesterday
before going to the doctor appointment. When I mentioned that I stayed
home, she wrote a note advising that I discontinue working. Dale has
arranged a part-time schedule at home at 50% of my salary. So I can start
my short term disability now if I want and still work. Short term disabilitywill pa for the 50% of the time I'm not working so I can earn 75% of my
salary and stay home until the baby is born.
The doctor also said that the baby will weigh between 7 and 7 1/2 lbs.
Perfect! Her movements are so strong now that they make me stop
whatever I'm doing and hold my stomach. I also had Braxton Hicks last
night that were so constrictive that I had to breathe through them to
relax. I thought they might be real contractions. Couple those with
Melody's movements and I became totally unable to move.
We're in a 98 degree heat wave this weekend but I haven't had any
swelling. I even lost a couple of pounds by reducing my intake of ice cream.
I'm in good shape, I think, for the delivery. The sonogram is tomorrow
morning at 8:00. This time Bill will definitely be there. So will Erica, it so
happens. My only weak point is my back. I'm also very tired. And I tire
out quickly. I'm OK if I can get enough rest (2 naps a day).
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June 29, 1994
Due next week - 143 lbs.
The doctor checked to see if I'm dilated at all. I found a great
pediatric clinic. I thought for sure I'd deliver early and went through a
period of a few weeks of frustration about still being pregnant.
Now I feel more resigned to what will happen whenever it happens. I
wonder each night if this may be the night, but overall, I'm having a
positive attitude.
I work on projects every day. I've sewn two nursing tops, remodeledthe master bathroom, and did some beadwork on the Indian doll, pulled
weeds out of the flower bed in the back yard. I've moved the bassinette
next to the bed and folded the legs under it so it's lower. All three
bathrooms are completely redecorated now. I'm very pleased. The house
looks great. Bill is very happy when it's clean and organized. I make him
lunch most times and sometimes breakfast. I cook dinner every night.
We're eating a lot healthier but the food bills are higher. I hope I can
afford the expense on my salary. I told Bill that I plan to pay for my car
payments, gas, insurance, and for groceries and for baby needs - diaper
service, etc. I hope it helps with the expenses.
Bill found out today that Mike, his technician, is quitting on July 15th.
Bill is going to run the business alone this summer. I hope he's successful
enough so that I can continue to work from home. I have everything set up
with the modem line and phone, files, manuals and work on-call from here.
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I love it and hope it could continue past my period of leave in
October. We've heard that there are lay-offs expected soon. Hopefully,
they may see the benefit of cutting my benefits and keeping me part-time.
All-in-all, it's been a great end to the pregnancy. I'm well-rested, yet
active. Thank you, God!
Ale'
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July 15, 1994
Six days late (Friday)
Contractions have been 10 - 15 minutes apart since yesterday
afternoon. The doctor gave me a non-stress test yesterday morning and I
saw a contraction. Until then I didn't realize I had been experiencing
contractions off and on for several days. They got regular after the exam,
though.
Well, the following people got antsy and have called or gone to the
hospital looking for me - Cori called one afternoon when she heard fromDale that my water broke. Dale had misunderstood. Dad walked to the
hospital twice when they hadn't heard from us Sunday afternoon when
they were staying at the bed and breakfast. And Bill drove to the hospital
when he got a call from me on his body phone and we lost connection. Mama
Hession called twice one morning to see if something had happened because
her phone had rung and the person hung up before she got it.
The doctor scheduled for me to be induced on Tuesday, if necessary.
She believes that they'll only need to break my water to kick it in.
Labor is not what I expected. It's just a tightening and a discomfort
in the back with twinges between my legs. There's no real pain yet.
Ale'
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August 4, 1994
16 days old.
I told Bill rather awkwardly the other day while we walked through
the mall on my first post-partum shopping trip that I love him more now
that Melody is here than I ever imagined possible; that I feel more
attached to him than I ever have before - that having Melody is what
Jesus meant when he said "the two shall become one."
Sometimes when I'm alone and I look at her I think about him. I find
myself needing him and wanting him more than it feels safe to need andwant another person. It scares me. It scares me to feel this vulnerable,
this at-risk of losing it all...because I often feel that life is so fragile. And
despite his assurances otherwise, that Bill is so fragile.
I look at her and I can't help but think about him. Not because she
looks like him, but because she exists because of him and me and how we
feel about each other.
I don't understand how anyone can look at their child and not
consider, in the same glance, the one with whom they brought that child
into being; and not feel so dissolved into one with that person through that
little child.
Loving her loves him. Such a love can't be separated. Devotion and
service to her is devotion and service to him and to our marriage.
I made a mistake last night. I told him why I love him. What meant a
lot to me may seem like nothing to someone else. It's enough to know and
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trust that I do. I'm not sure the rest can be put into words. And I'm so
grateful that he loves me enough to give me life and love and Melody.
Ale'
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Babies are such a nice way to start people.
-Don Herold
August 21 - 22, 1994
Dear Melody-jahn,
You are one month and 2 days old. I feel like I'm over a hump in being
with you during your first weeks on the earth. You seem to be settling
down and recognizing things, finding things and people (including me and
Vatti) familiar. You seem calmer, therefore less demanding. Also, you are
nursing longer and that means you are often sleeping longer periods
through the night - sometimes up to 4 hours. You are learning to comfort
and settle yourself.
In the beginning, your first cry required immediate attention or it
would escalate in intensity until I picked you up. Now, as I watch you, you
may speak up a couple times, look around, find something that attracts your
attention and be entertained by it for a long time. I actually watched you
study a yellow label on a blue background for 45 minutes. I watched your
eyes follow its contrasting border, moving from the blue to the bright
yellow, follow its edge and never take your eyes off it. You barely blinked.
The first month was so intense for me. When Vatti gave me a twenty
minute break to go to the tanning salon or to take a show, I would weep
from sheer relief. I was not depressed or sad. It was just that caring for
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you required such round-the-clock intensity of concentration that to relax
my mind from the responsibility caused my defenses to drop to such a
degree that it would cause me to cry. But I still loved caring for you so
much that I didn't notice my emotional fatigue until those times I could
relax.
I love night times best. I love sleeping between you and Vatti. You
are nestled in my arms and Vatti has his arm around me from behind. When
you awaken slightly enough to start to coo and grunt and snort as your
hunger moves in, I roll your little body toward my breast. You latch on andI can't take my eyes off your sweet little face. I love those moments the
most. My girlfriend Kim told me that when she dies and reviews her life,
she hopes that she will recall the faces of her children as they nurse at
her breast in the middle of the night as her sweetest memory. I feel the
same.
We just returned from a week in Ocean City with your aunts, cousins
and Grandma on Vatti's side of the family. Vatti had to leave the beach
house for a couple of days to work. During those two days, you changed so
much. You began to smile in greeting when I or Vatti pick you up. As I said
before, you became calmer and more interactive. You were able to settle
yourself, etc. Vatti noticed within the first moments of holding you.
You took your first, fully immersed bath in Ocean City. You took your
first bottle of Mutti's breast milk and first bottle of formula. Aunt
Claudia and Aunt Ann and Grandma watched you and fed you a couple of
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times this way and Mutti and Vatti went out to the beach or went out in
the evening on a date. Aunt Claudia taught me and helped me so much
during that week. She helped me get rid of a little "cradle cap" you had on
your right ear lobe. She helped me to identify the cause of a slight eye
infection (blocked tear duct) in your left eye. She showed me how to clean
your bottom after changing to treat your diaper rash. She even helped me
identify the cause of your rash (disposable diapers) and how to treat it.
Overall, with her help, I learned a lot of little things that helped me take
care of your bodily needs better.I want to record the words I use that you recognize. Also the songs.
Of course, we've called you by your name since we've known you exist. If
you haven't figured it out by now we call ourselves Mutti and Vatti (German
for Mommy and Daddy). When you spit up, I made up a word that's similar
to the sound you make - "plurtz". My pet names for you are Kitten, Punkin
Head, Sunshine and Sorensen.
If you're hungry, I say "milch". One nickname for fun that Vatti and
I have for you is Snartenfort. This is a mixed up version of "fart" and
"snort" because you do these two things a lot. I call your little crotch
"chootchie". I'm obnoxious, I know. Also, you recognize a couple of songs I
sing to you. One song Vatti and I wrote for you - "Me and Melody". You
calm down when you hear it. The other song my mother sang to you when I
visited my parents in Florida when I was 6 months pregnant. It starts "O
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little Melody, come out and play with me." It's the song that really starts
"O little playmate." When I sing this song, you become agitated.
Melody...I had to take a break from writing which lasted until the
next afternoon. You had terrible gas pains all because Mutti forgot and
ate a dish of chocolate ice cream yesterday. Sorry. The other food your
little tummy can't tolerate is tomatoes. It was several days' nightmare
figuring that one out.
I love watching you fall asleep. Sometimes you fall right into a deep
sleep (especially after screaming for an hour or two because Mutti atetomatoes). But sometimes you fall into dream sleep. Then it's so funny
watching you laugh, frown, giggle and go through all kinds of facial
twitches.
Two other signs that you've matured this past week include that you
now sit in the baby swing contentedly while awake and that once in a while
you'll suck a pacifier to comfort yourself. You do not know what efforts
we went to when we had to use our little fingers to comfort you. You could
never be left alone when awake and while you were awake you had to have a
finger in your mouth the whole time. Very little else got done, I assure
you, but it was important to us that you always feel secure and comforted
and never be left to cry.
You have a lot of fine brown hair in the back but only downy light
brown hair on top. And there's a funny sort of bald ring around the back
of your head as if you were St. Francis of Asisi.
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Along the lines of comforting you at all times, I want to tell you about
baby-wearing. I have this cloth sling that I put you in so that you are all
scrunched up like you were in the womb. After sucking my finger briefly,
you always fall asleep, then I can fix dinner, do housework, go grocery
shopping. Believe me, it attracts a lot of attention every time I take you
out in it.
By the way, the first comment everyone makes about you the first
time they see you is that you are so CUTE! Even the moment you were
born, the doctors commented on how beautiful your face was before theyknew what sex you were. It's true. You are so cute!
Love,
Mutti
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In the sheltered simplicity of the first days after a baby is born, one sees
again the magical closed circle, the miraculous sense of two people existing
only for each other.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh
August 25, 1994
Well, Melody, your Mutti is making some mistakes. We've comforted
you by letting you suck on our little finger so much that now you have nipple
confusion. I have to trick you into nursing by sticking my finger in your
mouth and then slipping my nipple in your mouth. At first you spit out the
breast. And then you bawl and bawl. You're so mad at me. Sometimes you
cry so much you become exhausted and forget that you're confused. You
seem to give up and keep latched on and fall asleep.
At night, however, you are so relaxed and at ease that you nurse
easily and never need comforted or burped. It seems that you never reallywake up fully all night. We've only had this problem during the day. It's all
my fault too because I was fully advised not to introduce anything besides
the breast for the first six weeks. Well, we introduced the finger the
first day and then you wouldn't latch on very well. Then you got a little
dehydrated and acquired a slight fever. And that's why they held you over
in the hospital, feeding you antibiotics intravenously until your blood work
came back. It was all because of my lack of knowledge about how to help
you latch on. Oh well. Live and learn. And there's certainly a lot to learn!
So anyway, you're rather pissed off at me lately because I'm weaning you
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from my finger and trying to find other ways to soothe you. Trouble is, you
won't stay on the breast to be comforted. That's my fault too because I
would break you off it after about 10 minutes. Bill and I discussed it and
now I'm trying to let you nurse until you break off. He's concerned that
you'll develop the habit of feeling rushed and tense at mealtimes unless I
let you take your time. I think this feeling is developed when a person is
older, around six or later. But Bill is particularly sensitive about this
because of how stressful his family's mealtimes were. Don’t' worry though.
He and I both agree that eating meals should be a relaxed, positive, socialexperience.
I do realize that I should be patient because eventually, as you get
older, you'll figure out the difference between finger or pacifier and
breast. I just introduced the others too early. I'm sure we'll laugh about
this later since this is such a temporary problem. But as the problem
occurs, it sure feels more significant. I guess my anxiety from your not
eating now stems from the fever you got from dehydration when you were
born. Fact is, it'll never go that far again so I should just relax about it.
Love,
Mutti
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The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes
one a mother - which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one
a musician.
-Sydney J. Harris
September 1, 1994
Dear Mel,
Today I noticed for the first time that your gaze followed me walking
around the bed. You turned your head and watched me as I walked past
you. I know these things sound insignificant and funny, but to me they are
the rewards of caring for you.
You see, because you are so young, in many ways you have been
unconscious of me as a person in your life. Your consciousness has been
basically limited to what is done to satisfy your needs without awareness
that it is me.
But lately we've noticed that you stop calling when I answer, and now,today, you watched me move around you and towards you and became calm
when I approached. These are my rewards for loving you. I lay beside you
this morning and stroked your face and you became calm and dozed off.
I've noticed you have this one type of cry (I'll call it the dry cry)
that you make when you are left alone. I can talk to you, even from
another room, and you will stop crying, "calling", to listen to me. It's as if
you just want to make sure you're not alone. I love you.
Mutti
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The biggest problem facing a pregnant woman is not nausea or fatigue or her
wardrobe - it's free advice. I learned very quickly to agree with everyone.
I would smile and say, "Of course, you are so right. What an excellent idea!"
Then I would go on doing whatever I knew to be right for my baby.
Everyone was happy.
-Sophia Loren
September 13, 1994
Dear Mel,
We just came back from Michigan and Chicago this weekend. You
were baptized by my Dad - Poppy - last weekend. Whatever religious
affiliation you choose, I hope you understand the importance of tolerance
and acceptance of other people's religious beliefs. I agreed to have you
baptized because it was important to my dad who brought back water from
the river Jordan so that one day he could baptize his grandchildren with it.
Well, Julie turned Pentecostal and refused to allow Dad to do it out of
principle. I, on the other hand, out of the principle of unity and fellowship
with followers of all religious faiths, allowed you to be baptized in order to
bring happiness to my father. I also allowed it because Bill's mom
expected it and was already making you a christening dress under the
assumption that we would do it. I didn't want to break her heart either.Bill and I agree. You'll be free to grow up and make your own decision
as to your religious affiliation. Our role is to teach you about all the
Messengers of God, from Adam to Baha'u'llah. My desire for you is that
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you will feel my love for God and His Messengers, especially Baha'u'llah in
this Age so that you will grow to love Him, and all of Them too. But you will
choose your own path.
As for your development...you are now on the cusp of that really fun
stage when you interact with your eyes and make baby talk sounds. I can
now identify all of your cries so far. The newest one I finally learned was
your tired cry. It sounds more like complaining than crying - a sort of
groaning and whining.
Vatti bought a large size portrait of you and me looking at each other.It cost him $800.00 and he's going to put it over the fireplace in an
antique frame that his mother gave him. It's so precious. I feel like he is
treating us so special, like the most important things in his life...and I know
we are, along with your sister Erica.
I confess to feeling apprehensive that Bill would favor Erica as his
first-born child. These feelings of doubt and jealousy stem from my own
insecurity and that occasional pang of doubt that there is enough love in
the world to go around. But these feelings are irrational and have no basis
in reality. Vatti loves you and showers you with love and attention and
kisses, even as he does to Erica and to me. He is such a wonderful husband
and daddy,
Love,
Mutti
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My daughters enlighten me about myself. Their presence acts as a
constant, ever-changing reflection of me as well as a source of feedback,
as I see myself mirrored in their mannerisms, attitudes, and relationships.
-Ellen A. Rosen
November 6, 1994
Dear Mel,
It's been a while since I've written but I've been thinking about all
the things I wanted to put in here for a long time.
One thing I forgot to mention when I wrote about the trip to
Michigan was how my dad reacted towards you. He was so funny to watch
as he kissed your toes and talked funny talk to you and made baby faces.
To hear him tell you he loved you so spontaneously and often was something
I had never seen from him when I was growing up. But it satisfied
something deep within me to hear him say it. As if by saying it to you, he
was saying it to me. I found myself doing things to attract his attention to
you in order to see the pleasure he derived from it. Like when I dressed
you in a sailor suit just for him. My father didn't often say "I love you."Neither do I. But the feeling I got when he said it to you was one of such a
swelling in my heart. My parents love you so much just because you came
from my body. They've set up a trust fund for you - for college - to
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contribute to the evolution of our family...each generation progressing
further than the last. More later.
Love,
Mutti