wounding their spirit

8/10/2019 Wounding Their Spirit

1/32

Coldwater MI 49036

www.remnantpublications.com

WoundingTheirSpirit.indd 1 6/2/08 2:43:13 PM


2/32

Copyright 2008

by Jim Hohnberger

All Rights Reserved

Printed in the USA

Adapted romMen o Power: Reclaiming Your Legacy,

Pacific Press Publishing Assoc., Nampa, ID.

Used by permission.

Published by

Remnant Publications

649 East Chicago Road

Coldwater MI 49036

517-279-1304

www.remnantpublications.com

Cover design by Haley rimmer

ext design by Greg Solie AltamontGraphics.com

ISBN 978-1-933291-33-8



3/32


4/32

W S4

Matthews eyes sparkled, and the gears inhis ertile little mind began to turn. He lovedhis daddy and was old enough to know thatbirthdays were special, un occasions. Hebegan to think o all the things he could door Daddys birthday. First, he drew some

pictures or me and put them in a shoebox.Tere was still a lot o room in that box, sohe went outside and gathered some trea-sures rom nature that he was sure I wouldlike. He enthusiastically wrapped that pre-cious little box as only a our year-old can

and topped it with a bow. Ten he waitedanxiously or me to come home. Four daysis an eternity to a our year-old, and therewas no way he was going to wait that long togive me my present. It was all he could bearjust to wait until the end o the day! He just

knew Father would be as excited about thegif as he was.

When he heard my car drive in, he ranto meet me at the door ull o anticipatedpleasure. I strode in with one thing on mymindvegetating in my recliner! I barely no-

ticed the excited little boy as I brushed him



5/32

J H 5

aside and headed or the living room. He ol-lowed me, and when I was finally settled, hestood beore me, unable to contain his sur-prise any longer.

Father, Father! he hal shouted. I have abirthday present or you!

I peered at him through tired eyes and athrobbing headache, and all the tension o theday broke loose.

Matthew, just leave me alone! I com-manded harshly. Besides, its not mybirthday.

Even with my neck kinking, I could see hislittle ace all as the rejection sank in. His plea-sure, excitement, and anticipation drainedright out through his toes. Heartbroken, heretreated to hide his tears in his mothersarms. His spirit closed to me.

Poking the Poor urtleWeve all done it, havent we? Weve all

ound ourselves speaking harshly to the oneswe love. You stupid ool; look at what youjust did. Cant you do anything right? I

Ive told you once, Ive told you a thousand



6/32

W S6

times. Cant you open your eyes? Whatis wrong with you? I remember once com-ing upon a group o boys who were teasinga turtle. Tey all were poking that poor tur-tle with sticks and, o course, he had pulledinto his shell and wouldnt come out or any-

thing. Tats what happens to our childrenand wives when we poke them with harsh,thoughtless words. Some may retreat intosilence while others react with anger, but allclose their spirits against usand thats justwhat Matthew did.

You know, I was a Christian, the headelder in the church, when I treated Matthewso harshly. I had a good grasp o sound bib-lical doctrine, lived a conservative liestyle,and was active in outreach and evangelism.Yet this was not sufficient to keep me rom

building a wall between me and one o thepeople I treasure most. Since that day, I haveound that there are literally dozens o waysin which we can close off the spirits or heartso our loved ones, and I think Ive done myshare o them, but in this chapter, Ill touch

on just a ew.



7/32


8/32

W S8

Nagging our loved ones, hoping it willmotivate them to come into line, does thesame thing. You never clean your room.You never do your chores right. You arenever on time. You always burn the toast.You never remember to turn the heat down

when you leave. You never want to go outlike we used to. Youre never interested any-more. You always leave a mess. Any timethe words never or always enter our vo-cabulary it spells hurt!

Building WallsBrick Upon BrickAnother way we hurt the ones we love

is ofen completely non-verbal. It happenswhen we treat their ideas and opinions as ithey really dont matter; we roll our eyes whenthey are talking, or just wear an impatient or

disgusted look. Tis communicates loudlythat we cant wait or them to get their stu-pid idea out o the way. Sometimes we evenrespond incredulously, Where did you everget that rom?

It wounds them aresh, doesnt it? hey

eel rejection, and another brick is added



9/32

J H 9

to the wall that is slowly but surely separat-ing us.

Being too busy to care about them or tolisten to them is perhaps the easiest way weshut out those we care about. Te enemy oour souls has diligently worked to bring un-

numbered demands upon our time and atten-tion, leaving us physically worn and mentallyexhausted. We get so ocused upon theurgentthat we dont even recognize the subtle hintsor attention rom our loved ones. I know Ihave. Not now later. Later when I am

not so pressured. Later when things calmdown. But later never comes, and they waitand they wait until they discover the worldhas time or them; until our children discoveranother young man or woman has time orthem; or even until our wie discovers a man

who has the time or them when we weretoo busy, too stressed, too tired, too ambi-tious, too sel-important, or perhaps just tooblind to give them the time they longed orso desperately.

Doing the right things in the wrong way is

ofen the bane o parenting. Disciplineevery



10/32

W S10

child needs it. Most parents try to provide it,but many o us ail miserably to benefit eitherthe child or the amily because we disciplinewhen we are angry. We demand rather thanteach, intimidate rather than instruct, andthen to top it off, we insult them when they

ail, even in ront o their riends, becausethey may not understand what we think theyought to or we dont give them credit orknowing and understanding as much as theydo. Because I said so is not a very compellingreason! In spite o our own great sel-image,

our children see us as we arewarts and all.And usually they love us anyway, unless weveso wounded their hearts that they no longercan. Somehow, we must break the chain, stopthe cycle, and do things differently. Troughthe empowering grace o God, we can.

Reflexive RecoilSally and I once walked up to a house

where a cute little dog was playing in the yard.I love animals, but when I reached down topet it, the poor little thing cowered and shrank

back! Let me try, Sally offered, and bent over



11/32

J H 11

to pet the dog. It responded warmly, delight-edly wagging its tail.

Well, look at that! I exclaimed. Let metry now. Again the little dog whimpered andpulled away.

Sally looked at me sadly and remarked,

Te man in this home mistreats this dog.Ive met a lot o children who are like this

little dog, cowering while they anticipate thenext insult or harsh word. Others are like thatturtle, withdrawn into a hard, protective shellthat nobody gets past. Some go through the

motions, but their spirits are closed. My heartgoes out to these young people, and I try todraw them out whenever I can. In the pro-cess, I have ound that the common threado a wounded spirit runs through their indi-vidual stories.

Driving Tem AwayCassy was a lovely, well-mannered fi-

teen-year-old I met at a weekend seminar.She longed to share her hopes, dreams, goals,and eelings with her parents, but they were

simply non-communicative and unavailable.



12/32


13/32

J H 13

Luke was as nice a teenager as youd evercome across when I first met him, and yet itseemed his parents were always riding himabout one thing or another. Born to his a-thers first marriage, he ound himsel nowin a blended amily with his ather, his step-

mother, and their son. Being his in a am-ily o ours was hard enough, but to even acasual observer, the stepmother gave pre-erence to her own flesh and blood, was tooquick to blame the older boy, and too slow tocorrect her own childs flaws. His ather sided

with the stepmother, and Luke ound no saeplace to go except into his turtle shell. Hecould never please, never gain approval, nev-er be accepted. Te hurt grew. What began assimple protective withdrawal grew into rebel-lious and anti-social behavior. His parents

saw this as the final proo o his guilt as thetroublemaker. When he was eighteen, he lefhome, his relationship with his parents virtu-ally destroyed, not because Luke set out to bebad but because they continually woundedhis spirit. What about the Lukes in your lie?

Are they finding a sae place in you?



14/32

W S14

Brian had a winning personality and a readysmile, so it was only as we got to know this nine-teen-year-old better did we come to realize thathe had major issues with his parents. Raised andhome schooled by a religious but relatively poorWest Virginia arm amily, his experience in the

world was admittedly scant. He had, however,the desire any young man has to make some-thing out o himselto be somebodybut hisupbringing had not treated him kindly. Due topoor organization, his home school educationwas lacking, probably amounting to something

less than eight ull grades, even though he wasnow a ull-grown man. He was working to gethis GED so he could consider college, but hehadnt many study skills and ound himselmore interested in the pretty girls than in hisbooks. He elt lef behind by his peers and re-

sentul o his parents, who let him enter adult-hood with so many strikes against him. Hisparents ailure to reckon with the missing ele-ments in their home training communicated asubtle yet strong message that he was not worthinvesting ina message he will likely struggle

with or a lietime.



15/32

J H 15

What about you? Did you receive similarmessages while you were growing up? Areyou passing them on?

One man told me about his children andconessed in a moment o insight, Our chil-dren do not leave home; we drive them away.

What is the Holy Spirit saying to you rightnow? In what ways do you build walls withyour loved ones?

ChecklistTe ollowing is a summary o ten promi-

nent ways that we most ofen use to woundthose we love. As you scan the list, I encourageyou to write down what God impresses uponyou. I you are willing to dig even deeper andhave the courage to be vulnerable, share thislist with your wie and children and ask or

their eedback.

Is your son, daughter, or wie offendedon a regular basis?

Is there contention in your amily?

Do you lecture them?

Do you use harsh words?



16/32

W S16

Do you respond to them as though theiropinions dont really matter?

Are you too busyto listen to them or an-swer them?

Do you discipline in anger?

Do you say No without giving a reason?

Do you insult them in ront o others?

Do you yell at them when they alreadyknow they are wrong?

I you recognize this eroding process hap-pening in your relationships, i you sense thehearts o your children or your spouse areclosing to you, there is hope! It is based onfive solid biblical principles that are absolutelyguaranteed to workwhen you apply them.

1. Lord, what do You want me to do?(Acts 9:6).Tis is simply the principle o empower-

ment that we discussed in detail in the lastchapter. It means putting God in charge omeully, completely, entirely. He is in chargeo my thoughts, my emotions, everything that



17/32

J H 17

comes out o my mouth, and everything I ex-press non-verbally. I remain open to His in-put all through the day, and as He makes meaware o closing the spirit o another, I canenter into the Great Exchange. I give Him theway that doesnt work, and He points out a

resh approach.O course, this is awkward at first, but

making repeated decisions to yield to Godand a cultivated awareness o His voice speak-ing to us develops a sensitive conscience. Itwas this attitude that Joshua displayed when

he said, What saith my Lord to his servant?(Joshua 5:14, KJV).

Remember my riend who spoke harshwords to his wie over her ignorance in help-ing him at the table saw? As you can imagine,his wie regretted that she had ever offered to

help him in the first place. She withdrew to asae distance, and he wondered why. Te nextmorning as he asked God to search his heart,the Holy Spirit pointed out his attitude o harshsuperiority and impressed on him the need toapologize. He struggled with his pride but fi-

nally swallowed it and approached his wie.



18/32

W S18

I was wrong, honey. I had no right tospeak to you that wayeven i I had toldyou the right way to hold it. Will you or-give me?

ears welled up in her eyes, and the wallcame down. Warmth replaced the coolness,

and a smile brightened the sad countenance.Tat wasnt hard, was it? Oh, it was hard onthat mans flesh, but it wasnt complicated.God has solutions that work i only we willlisten and obey.

2. A sof answer turns away wrath(Proverbs 15:1).Gentleness has a way o melting away hurt,

anger, and rebellion. You remember my littleboy Matthew and his present that I rejectedand how heartbroken he was? Well, as I sat in

my chair and tried to relax, I elt absolutelyterrible, as only one who has been totally andoolishly wrong can eel. I could hear the Lordcalling to my heart to make things right, soI went to him, apologized or my behavior,and asked him gently and kindly to show me

my present.



19/32


20/32

W S20

3. Come now, let us reason together(Isaiah 1:18, NKJV).Spouses, riends, even children ofen

dream long and desire more than anythingelse that someday, someone will understandthemwhat they are eeling, what they think,

and how they are hurting. Ofen they donteven care i you disagree, as long as they knowsomeone understands and cares. It has beenmy experience and the experience o count-less men I have counseled that i we give ourloved ones time, encouragement, and open-

ness they can and usually do tell us how theyeel. A riend o mine tells me that i you real-ly want to know how she eels, you have to goor at least a three-mile walk with her. It takesher three miles o communication to reachthe stage where she can really share whats on

her heart.When there is this type o trust and inti-

mate communication, then you can begin toreason together and to work on solutions to-gether. Sometimes it takes this kind o com-mitment i we are to get to the hearts o our

wives, children, or riends. You might have



21/32

J H 21

to initiate several l-o-n-g walks with them,might have to initiate many conversations,might have to shut up and let them talk, orgently prod them to share.

In our amily, one o the best ways weveound to prevent misunderstandings and

harsh words is to have a prearranged way todeal with problems and grievances that eachmay eel rom time to time. We call them am-ily councils. Anyone, no matter how young,could request one to address any concernthey had, and the whole amily would con-

sider their problem or complaint. Everyonegets a chance to speak and express themselveswithout any ear o retribution, as long as itsdone respectully. Once the problem has beenstated, no one is allowed to speak unless theyoffer a solution. Tis eliminates the endless

debates and sel-justiying that makes theproverbial mountain out o a molehill andbrings us no nearer the solution.

I remembered the day Matthew had re-quested a amily council. I could tell he wasupset, but I could think o nothing I had done

to ruffle his eathers, so I concluded it had to



22/32


23/32

J H 23

running and watched me using it. He was o-ended that I hadnt asked him.

Well, Matthew, I dont have a biblical textor this, but when I was growing up we werealways taught that whats good or the gooseis good or the gander. Im sorry I took your

saw without asking. Please orgive me. In theuture I will ask you.

Tat was all it took. His sense o injus-tice melted away, and harmony was restored.It was just a little thing, but it is almost al-ways little things neglected that racture re-

lationships and yield a harvest o bitternessand misery.

Tat brings us to our next principle:

4. I we coness our sins he is aithul andjust to orgive us our sins (1 John 1:9).

When I was writing this, I went to my boysbecause I needed an illustration o a timewhen I had hurt their eelings and maniestedan irritated or overbearing spirit. In generalterms I knew I had lost my sel control manytimes, and many times had to go back and

make things right with them. I remembered



24/32

W S24

it being one o the hardest things I ever hadto do, and believe me, I seemed to have to doit a lot!

So I asked the boys, figuring theyd re-membered at least some incidents. Andrewwas thoughtul and then said, I know there

were times, but I cant think o any specifics.Matthew didnt even pause. I just orgive

and orget, he exclaimed cheerully, as i Iwere hal crazy to think he harbored bad eel-ings or even memories about me.

In a way, they were perhaps right. Tey

understood orgiveness better than I hadgiven them credit or. I was no nearer an il-lustration, but, praise God, I ound out inthe process that there were no hidden hurtsbetween my sons and me. How much betterto endure the momentary humiliation o ad-

mitting were wrong and conessing our aultsthan to reap a lielong harvest o alienation.

5. He that handleth a matter wisely shallfind good (Proverbs 16:20, KJV).We find good when we set out to stop

hurting each otherwhen we take the time to



25/32

J H 25

filter our responses to our loved ones throughour heavenly Father. Real wisdom seldomarises rom our knee-jerk responses to lie.I we will only pause beore reacting, ourCoach can lead us to handle matters wisely.Opening up communication is hardespe-

cially i there have been ew words exceptsome harsh or hurtul words or a long time.However, it can be done. I dont think it isever too late to go to the ones we love and aski weve done or are doing anything that o-ends them. And i we ask questions like this,

we must be sure to give them plenty o timeto respond and really listen to what they aresayingwithout correcting the details. Teirperspective has validity, even i its differentrom ours.

I know one man who elt his habit o

speaking harshly was so ingrained that at firsthe didnt trust himsel to speak, and he startedwriting loving notes to his amily. Whateverit takes, dont let these wounds ester anotherday. You can pick up these principles and be-gin to apply them todaylike a man named

Charlie did.



26/32

W S26

Dont Wait Another Day!Charlie was not a church-goer, and he had

never been to one o my seminars. He was thenational sales manager or a large companyand was in our area supervising the localsalesman, Reggie, who happened to be a good

riend o ours. As they were checking out adisplay in one o the stores, Reggie was enthu-siastically telling Charlie about usour moveto the mountains, our walk with God, and ouramily. Just then we walked around the corner,and Reggie was delighted to introduce us.

Charlie seemed anything but interested,but we invited him to come up or breakastthe next morning. He was non-committal, sowe told him we would set a place or him andi he showed up, fine. I not, no problem. Well,he showed up! He really plied us with ques-

tions and eye-balled our boys. Afer a livelyvisit, he arose to leave. I elt impressed to offerhim two o my presentations on CD and gavethem to him, telling him that i he was onlygoing to toss them aside, I wouldnt have himbother. I he would listen to them, he could

take them as a gif. He accepted them.



27/32

J H 27

Nearly two months went by beore I re-ceived the ollowing letter rom Charlie.

Dear Jim,

Tanks so much or allowing me to visityou in October. I do want you to know that it

was a wonderul experience or me, one I willnever orget. As we dwell in the day-to-daysecular world, many o us ail to see what re-ally matters.

You gave me two CDs o your messages. Ilistened to the one on simplification first andhad to laugh here and there, because we all getcaught up so easily in the material things romtime to time. I certainly know what you meantand while weve never been deeply materialis-tic, we still pursue things when we should be

pursuing the relationship with each other andGod that has been offered us. Tis message wasa gentle reminder to get back on track.

I must be honest about the second message,Wounding Teir Spirits. While I could laugha little at the first CD I wasnt laughing at this

one. It hurt. A lot! But it only did because you



28/32

W S28

were talking to me. I wish I had heard thatsermon fifeen years ago; it would have savedme the trouble o learning these things thehard way.

Te first thing I did when I got home that

week was to sit down with my wie and chil-dren and apologize to them or wounding theirspirits or so many years and committing tothem that I was going to change. In many waysI have been a good ather to them and I thinkthey would agree, but in the most important

aspects I have not been. I shared with themyour sermon and my regret at not having heardit many years beore. However we all know theLord gives us a chance to change i our heartsare committed to that change; and I am!

In the past six weeks we have had better

walks and talks as a amily than we have hadin fifeen years. I sincerely appreciate the mes-sage you gave me that day, and I and my amilywill never orget it!

Sincerely,Charlie



29/32

J H 29

Charlie is a courageous man! You can betoo. I God is impressing you that you arewounding your loved ones, dont be discour-aged and dont be complacent. Tats whatGods empowering grace is all about. Simplyacknowledge where you all shortfirst o all

to Him and then to those who have been hurt.Put God in charge o you, and what He worksinyour mind, work outin your relationships.I you find yoursel alling back into the oldways, dont give up. Remember, God isnt soconcerned with how many times you all as

He is with how many times you get back up.Te dividends you will reap as the walls comedown will more than repay you. May Godbless you with the courage to ace yoursel, theintegrity to make things right where needed,the heart to eel or your loved ones, and the

purpose to be all He made you to be!



30/32

W S30

Questions to Consideror Personal Inventory

Wounding Teir Spirits

1. Is this a problem in my amily?

2. Do I wound my wie on a consistentbasis?

3. Which o the areas listed in the chapterchecklist apply in my home?

4. Do I spend time with them daily to meettheir personal needs?

5. Have I attempted to clear up the oldwounds o the past?

6. Do I know how to reopen myrelationships?

a. Lord, what do you want me to do?

b. A sof answer turns away wrath.

c. Come now, let us reason together.



31/32

J H 31

d. I we coness our sins, he is aithuland just to orgive us our sins.

e. He that handleth a matter wisely shallfind good.

7. Will I vow to keep a clear slate with all myloved ones?

What action is Godasking me to take now?



32/32

I G

Book titles available:Come to the QuietEmpowered Living

Escape to GodFacing Frenemy Fire

Its About PeopleMen o Power

Parenting by the Spirit

Parenting Your Child by the SpiritParenting Your een by the Spirit

Booklet titles available:A Bundle o ChoicesA Lie o SimplicityBasics o Parenting

Do You Really Believe?Failure Is Not an Option

Family FirstIntimacy: A-By Product

Its About YouLove Without an I

My WillHow to Exercise ItReconnecting the FamilyRevitalize Your Marriage

Te Voice o GodTe Way o Baptismouching the aboo

Wounding Teir Spirit

Plus many audio and video resources

www.empoweredlivingministries.orgPhone (406) 387-4333

Orders (877) 755-8300 toll reeFax (406) 387-4336

wounding their spirit

Documents