8/13/2019 Wimbledon Ramblings - Blog

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Commentating at Wimbledon is a piece of cake

Commentary in most sports is a difficult job. There are two pre-requisites to become a good

commentator in most sports. First you have to speak all the time. Second you shouldnt be

thought of as speaking nonsense. But after the data revolution (the revolution which helped

captain reel off numbers about the till then non-existent Tamilnadu police) commentatorsaround the world have a much easier job. They just have to read the statistic coming on their

screens. But there are no preconditions to commentate on Wimbledon. You dont even have

to know to speak. I was watching a match yesterday and for long periods of time I thought

the commentator had dozed off. Cant blame him for taking a nap as even the chair umpire

was seen stifling a yawn.

I decided to take up the job of ranking the sounds that I heard the most and the ranks are as

follows

1.The shrieks and grunts from the players, mimicking the mating calls of extinct

dinosaurs2.The chair umpire calling the points3.The crowd applauding anything that lands within the tram lines4.The occasional plane flying over the courts5.The very occasional line from the commentary box, oh great shot

Linguistic professors in Britain are worried that the average vocabulary of an average

teenager is very average (just 12000 odd words). But the average vocabulary of a very good

commentator in Wimbledon is very poor. In fact it is limited to a few adjectives to the word

shot ( as in great shot, poor shot, superb shot etc ) and tennis terminology (which as a matterof fact doesnt count as vocabulary). So if you are a teenager in Britain and you are

constantly derided for having poor vocabulary, dont sulk, you are just the right kind to make

it as a hotshot commentator at Wimbledon.

There is a big machine out there somewhere in Europe that produces women tennis

players.

Tennis academies usually have machines that spits out balls for a player to practice hitting.

But there is an academy in Europe that has a more complicated machine. This machine

produces women tennis players. The machine matches the rate of the ball machine in

producing the standard European tennis girl. Tall, blond, good forehand, lousy back hand,non-existent second serve, and a vocal cord capable of producing all kinds of animal grunts

are characteristics of players coming out of that machine. All these girls with animal voices

also share the tenacity to fight ferociously with each other for the right to get defeated to

either of the animals with girl voices (the Williams sisters).

God does play dice, but only with the Wimbledon organizers

Every year till 2009, Wimbledon was always at the mercy of that fickle organism called the

British weather. Wimbledons show piece matches are almost always interrupted leading to a

heavy backlog and miffed TV producers.

8/13/2019 Wimbledon Ramblings - Blog

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The intelligent Britons spent a 100 million quid erecting a roof over the centre court, Britons

said to GODCHECK.

And here we are having the driest Wimbledon in the past 120 years. The rains did come and

the roof did close (it takes 10 minutes to close) but the sun immediately made a mockery of

the roof and came out again once the roof had closed. Poor organizers, they took the sensibleoption of letting play to continue under the closed roof (it also takes 10 minutes to open the

roof), they didnt dare to test the resolve of the rain god. Just imagine if they had chosen to

open the roof and simultaneously the heavens open up? They would have been the laughing

stock of the whole world. Courts 1 to 18 were being played in bright sun shine and the centre

court presented a gloomy picture under the roof.

GOD TO BritonsCHECKMATE you fools.

Observation 5- Wimbledon will never make it big if organized in India

It seems as if the people allowed to watch the matches are first made to undergo a rigorousphysical and mental analysis. The tests probably check the

Ability to masquerade as a dead body, for they shouldnt show any excitement even ifthe new 100 million roof comes crashing down.

Ability to not fart or sneeze or cough lest it affects the players Ability to start and stop clapping exactly at the same time ( there is probably a master

orchestrator who gives out clapping sounds from his keyboard so that the spectators

can take it as their signal)

Maybe there is also a spectator machine that programs them to do just the right things at just

the right time. The poor Roger Federers and Rafael Nadals have so much to do that they cant

even bear a whisper from the crowd. Come on guys, they just have to hit a ball between 2

lines. Compare that to todays footballers who have to exhibit their theatrical, diving,

dancing, fighting skills (of course they also have to do something vaguely similar to kicking a

ball, but thats not strictly necessary) simultaneously.

If the top tennis players are that good then why cant they play with the crowd screaming?

Keeping the outside atmosphere out of their mind and concentrating on their game is part of

the mental makeup of any sporting great of any other sport except tennis where the organizers

do the keeping out part. Let Roger Federer try hitting his wonderful forehand at match point

with half of the 50000 fans in the stadium baying for his blood if he doesnt make it and theother half ready to murder him if he does. Thats what John Terry faced in the champions

league final. No wonder he slipped.

I bet the ball will fly off your handle Mr. Federer.