by John Powell Argus Communications

Designed by Patricia Ellen Ricci

Published by ARGUS COMMUNICATIONS CO.

7440 Natchez Avenue Niles, Illinois 60648

International Standard Book Number: 0-91359203-x

Copyright by Argus Communications Co., 1967 Revised 1972

WHY AM I AFRAID TO LOVE?

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Man's I nvitation to Love

2. Human Pains in a Loveless Wor ld

3. The Self I mage

4. The Matu ring Process

5. Lea rning to Love

Beloved, let us love one another, because love takes its origin in God, and everyone that loves is a child of God and knows God. He who has no love does not know God, because God is love. God's love was made manifest among us by the fact that God sent his only-begotten Son into the world that we might have life through him. This Jove consists not in our having loved God but in his having Joved us and his having sent his Son as a propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so Joved us, we in turn ought to Jove one another.

1 John 4: 7-11

1 MAN'S INVITATION TO LOVE The word religion i s der ived from a

Lati n word religare, wh ich mea ns to bind back. By h i s pract ice of re l ig ion man b inds h i mse lf back to God who i s h i s a l pha (or ig i n) a nd omega (dest iny) . To anyone who is fam i l i a r w ith the New Testament there ca n be no dou bt that the essenti a l act of re l i g ion and the essent ia l bond between man and h is God is love. When Jesus was asked by the Phar i sees: "Wh ich i s the g reatest comma ndment?" he answered :

"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second resembles it: You must love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 23: 35-39

What does it mean to love God w ith one's whole hea rt, sou l a nd m i nd ? I th i n k that St. Joh n wou ld answer this q uestion by te l l i ng us that before anyone ca n rea l ly g ive h i s heart, sou l a nd m i nd to God, he m u st first know how m uch God has loved h im , how God has thought about h im from a l l etern ity, and desi red to share h is l i fe, joy, a nd love with h i m.

9

Chr ist ian love i s a response to God's i nfi n ite love, and there can be no response u nti l one has somehow perceived that God has fi rst loved h im , so much so that he sent h i s o n ly-begotten Son to be our sa lvation .

More than th i s, God does not s imp ly have love; he is love . If giving and sharing with a nother i s the cha racter and essence of love, then God i s love . He can acq u i re noth i ng because he i s God . He needs noth i ng becau se he is God . He has a l l good ness a nd a l l r iches with i n h imse lf . But good ness is se lf-d iffusive; it seeks to share itse lf . So the i nfi n ite goodness wh ich is God seeks to comm u n icate, to d iffuse, to share i tse lf . . . with you . . . with me . . . with a l l of us .

We know someth ing of th i s love i n our own i n sti ncts to share that wh ich i s good a nd i s our possess ion: good i ns ig hts, good news, good rumors. Perhaps the best ana logy i n ou r h u man experience is that of the young marr ied cou p le, very m uch i n love a nd very m uch a l ive because of that love, w i sh ing to sha re thei r love and l i fe with new l i fe wh ich i t i s i n thei r power to beget. But

11

it i s even more tha n th i s with God who te l l s m a n : if the mother shou ld forget the ch i l d of her wom b I wi l l never forget you!

It is prec ise ly th i s that is the point of most fa i l u res to love God tru ly . Most of us a re not deep ly awa re of h i s father ly , even tender, love. It i s espec ia l ly the person who has never experienced a human love, with a l l o f its l i fe-g iv ing effects, who has never been i ntroduced to the God who i s love th rough the sacrament of h u m a n love, that sta nds at a ser ious d i sadva ntage. The God of love who wishes to share h is l ife and joy w i l l probab ly seem l i ke the product of an overheated imag i nat ion - u n rea l .

There i s no h u m a n be i ng who wi l l not eventua l ly respond to love i f on ly he can rea l ize that he i s loved . On the other hand, if the l ife a nd wor ld of a person is marked by the absence of love, the rea l ity of God's love w i l l h a rd l y evoke the response of h i s whole hea rt, sou l and m i nd .

False Gods Before Us

The God who enters such a l ife wi l l be a fea rsome and frow n i ng ido l , de-

12

mand i ng on ly fea r of h i s devotees. The Book of Genesis te l l s us that God has made us to his image and l i keness, but it i s the most perdur i ng temptation of man to i nvert th is , to m a ke God to h i s human image a nd l i keness .

Each of us has h i s own u n ique a nd very l i m ited concept of God, a nd i t i s very often marked and d i storted by h uman exper ience. Negative emotions, l i ke fea r, tend to wea r out. The d i storted image of a vengefu l God w i l l eventua l ly nauseate a nd be rejected. Fear i s a frag i le bond of u n ion , a br i tt le bas is of re lig ion .

I t may we l l be that th i s i s why God's second commandment i s that we love one a nother . Unselfish human love is the sacramenta l i ntroduction to the God of love. Man must go through the door of human g iv ing to find the God who g ives h imself .

Those who do not reject such a d i storted image w i l l l i m p a long i n the shadow of a frown, but they certa i n ly w i l l not love w ith the i r whole hea rt, sou l a nd m i nd . Such a God i s not loveab le . There w i l l never be any trust and repose i n the lov ing a rms of a Father; there w i l l never

13

be any mystiq ue of belong i ng to God. The person who serves out of fea r , without the rea l ization of love, wi l l try to barg a i n with God . He w i l l do l i ttle th i ngs for God, make l i tt le offer i ngs, say l i tt le prayers, etc . to embezz le a p l ace i n the heaven o f h i s God. l ife a nd re l i g ion wi l l be a chess-game, hard ly an affa i r of love .

Response to God's Love The person who i s open to the rea l i

zation of God's love w i l l want to make some response of h i s own love . How ca n he make a mea n i ngfu l response if th i s God ca n not acq u i re and needs noth i ng? St. John points ou t the p l ace of human response:

14

We know what love is from the fact that Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. We, too, ought to lay down our lives for our brothers . . . Beloved, let us love one another, because love takes its origin in God, and everyone that loves is a child of God and knows God. He who has no love does not know God, because God is love ... No one has ever seen God, yet if we love one another, God abides in us and our love for him reaches perfection.

1 John 3: 16; 4:7-12

Meet ing God i n other humans i s the most cost ly pa rt of the d i a logue between God and man . The natu re of man req u i res that he somehow contact God i n a bod i l y o r sens ib ly perceptib le way. I n the O l d Testament God came to ma n i n thu nder and l ightn i ng over S ina i; h i s voice emerged from a burn ing bush . I n the New Testament God's goodness to man i s even more aston i sh ing : He becomes a man a nd is raised i n agony on a cross for you and me. "Th is i s what I mean when I say I love you ." I n the I nca rnat ion God brought h i s g i fts to m a n i n the ea rthen vessel o f h uman ity that He might speak our l anguage a nd we m ight know what he is rea l ly l i ke .

Ju st as God expected men to find him u nder the vei l of human ity, even when that h u m a n ity was a red mask of b lood and agony, so now he expects men to fi nd h i m u nder other human vei l s . I t w i l l , i ndeed, cost a man a g reat dea l if he ta kes God serious ly on this poi nt:

" ... For I was hungry, and you gave me to eat; I was thirsty and you gave me to drink; I was a stranger and you took me into your home; I was naked, and you covered me; I was

15

sick, and you visited me; I was in prison, and you came to see me./I

Then those who are saved will say to Him: /lLord, when did we see you hungry and feed you? or thirsty and give you to drink? And when did we see you a stranger and take you into our homes? or naked and cover you? When did we see you sick or in prison, and come to visit you?/I

And in explanation the King will say to them: /II tell you the plain truth, whatever you did to the least of my brethren, you did to me!"

Matthew 25: 35-40

The ea r ly Chr i st ians d id not d i sti ng u ish love of God from love of man; i n fact they had one word, agape, to descr i be the one love that s imu ltaneous ly embraces the God of love and the least of h i s breth ren .

But a l l th i s i s o l d stuff, i sn't i t ? Somet imes when we g row sta le, there is a temptat ion to th i n k that it i s rea l l y God's Word that i s sta le . When the d imens ions of generous response seem sh ru n ken i n us, we a re tem pted to tu rn away from the rea l i ssue, to look for more practica l , re levant issues to d i scuss .

Th i s is a da ngerous th i ng to do: to avoid confrontat ion with the rea l cha l-

16

lenge of God's Word . Someday we sha l l a l l i nevitab ly meet h i m . The da nger of embarrassment i s g reat. He just m ight ask as he extends h i s hands to g reet us just beyond the door of death:

"Where are your wounds?"

I t just m ight be that, with St. Aug usti ne, who wrestled a long t ime before succumbing to g race, we sha l l have to say:

"Too late, 0 Lord, too late have I loved you."

The Meaning of Love

Whatever e l se ca n and shou ld be sa id of love, it i s q u ite evident that t rue love demands se lf-forgetfu l ness. I f there a re many people who use the word a nd c l a im the rea l ity without know i ng the mea n i ng of the word or being ab le to love to any g reat extent, th i s is the test: Can we really forget ourselves? There a re many cou nterfe it products o n the market wh ich a re ca l led love, but which in fact a re fa lse ly named . We ca n sometimes l abe l the g ratification of our needs " love"; we can even do th i ngs for others without rea l l y lovi ng . The ac id test i s a lways the probi ng quest ion of se lf-forgetfu l ness .

17

Can we rea l ly locate the focus of our m i nds on the happ i ness a nd f u lfi l l ment of others? Can we rea l ly ask not what others wi l l do for u s, but on ly what we ca n do for them ? I f we rea l ly want to love, then we m ust ask o u rse lves these questions .

We m u st become awa re that we are capable of us ing people for our own adva ntage, for the sati sfact ion of our deep and th robb ing h u m a n needs, and be del uded i nto th i n k ing that th i s is rea l ly love. The you ng m a n who professes to love a young woma n may often be deceived i n th i n k i ng that the grat ificat ion of h i s own egoti stica l u rges rea l ly con stitutes love . The young woman who fi nds the voids of her own lone l i ness fi l led by the compa n ionsh i p a nd attention of a you ng m a n may we l l m i sta ke th i s emotiona l sati sfact ion for love . L i kewise, the mother and father who a nx ious ly try to promote the success of the i r ch i ld ren can eas i ly rat iona l ize the i r des i re for the vicar ious exper iences of success a nd convi nce themse lves that they a re lov i ng pa rents. The cr it ica l q uest ion a lways rema in s that of se lf-forgetfu l ness. Does the young man or woman , the mother or

19

father rea l ly forget h i mself and h i s own conven ience and emotiona l satisfaction , to seek on ly the happi ness and fu lfI l lment of the be loved ? These a re not mere ly theoretica l q uestions . The fact of the matter is that, for most of us, our own needs are so pa lpab le a nd rea l to us , that it i s enormous ly d ifficu lt for the seed to fa l l i nto the g round a nd d ie to i tse lf before it ca n l ive a l i fe of love.

20

2 HUMAN PAINS IN A LOVELESS WORLD A l l of us to some extent a re end u r i ng

agonies of lone l i ness, f rustrat ion , emotiona l a nd sp i r itu a l sta rvat ion. Somehow these pains a re radica l ly due to fai l u res i n love . The essent i a l sad ness of such pa i n i s that it magnet izes the focus of ou r attent ion; it preoccupies u s w ith ou rse lves. And se lf-preoccupat ion is an a bso lu te obstacle to a l ife of l ove .

I once as ked a Psych iat rist fr iend of m i ne, "How ca n you teach peop le to love?" H is answer was m i l d ly su rpris i ng, to say the least . He answered the quest ion by ask ing one of h is own : "Did you ever have a toothache? Of whom were you think i ng d u r i ng the d i stress of your toothache?" His poi nt was c lea r . When we a re i n pa i n , even i f i t be on ly the pass i ng d i scomforts of an aching tooth, we a re th i n k ing about ourse lves .

The Psych iat r i st continued : "This is a pa i n-fi l led wor ld i n wh ich we are l iv i ng . And the pa i ns that reside deep i n the

23

h u man hearts around us are not li ke toothaches. We go to bed with them at n ight and we wake up with them in the morn i ng . Two-th i rds of a l l the hospital beds in this cou ntry are now occupied by menta l pat ients. One out of ten Americans has a l ready been t reated for mental i l l ness. The pai n inside of them s imp ly became too deep and required profess iona l attent ion . The su icide rates i n the eighteen to twenty-one year age group i s ext remely high. Su icide ran ks as the third h ighest k i l le r i n th i s age group. I n the twenty-one to twenty-fou r year age group, it is the fou rth h ighest k i l le r . This i s a pa i n-fi l led wor ld , and so, a love less world that we l i ve i n . Most h u man bei ngs a re so tu rned- i n by the i r own pains that they cannot get enough out of themse lves to love to any great extent ."

Person and Personal ity

Each of u s i s a u n ique and ind iv idua l person. We someti mes facet ious ly remark to others: "After God made you , he broke the mo ld." In fact, each of u s is fash ioned i n a u n iq ue mold . There never has been and never wi l l be anyone exactly l i ke you or me. However, at the be-

24

g i n n i ng of l ife th i s person is, a s it were, l i ke the bud of a flower or p l ant : c losed. On ly when the bud of the flower rece ives wa rmth from the s u n and nou rishment from the motheri ng so i l w i l l it open and expose a l l of the bea uty that is l atent with i n it . So, too, the human person at the beg i n n i ng of l ife m u st rece ive the wa rmth of human love, assura nce a nd the nour i shment of parenta l affection if it i s to open and expose the un ique beauty that God has p laced with i n every h u man ind iv id u a l.

Personality, i n the sense wh ich we are adopti ng here, i s the socia l man ifestation or express ion of person. We express ou rse lves and the u n ique persona l beauty rad iated i n us i n var ious ways. Th i s process of ope n i ng a nd se lf-reve lat ion i s what psycho logists ca l l the dynamics of human persona l ity .

We know that i f the bud of a flower i s i n j u red by hosti l e forces, l i ke an u nseasona l frost, i t wi l l not open . So, too, a human person who i s without the warm encou ragement of love, and who m u st end u re the ch i l l i ng a bsence of pra i se a nd affection, w i l l rem a i n c losed i n on h i m-

25

se lf . The dynam ics of h i s persona lity wi l l be j ammed . And, if the dynam ics of person a l ity a re serious ly i mpeded, the resu lt wi l l be what psycholog ists ca l l neurosis. A lthough there a re many va l id descr ipt ions of neu rosis, neu roses a re commonly recogn ized i n the form of a cripp l i ng i nabi l ity to re l ate we l l to others, to go out to them and to accept them as they a re without fea r of re ject ion.

The First Seven Years of Life

Those who have been dr iven by their d i scomfort to seek profess ion a l he lp from a c l i n ica l psychologist or psych iatr i st a re often su rprised that the doctor evi nces part icu l a r i nterest in the ea r l i est memor ies of his pat ient's chi ldhood . It i s the u n a n i mous consensus of psycholog ists that our bas ic persona l it ies a re fa i r l y we l l formed i n the fi rst seven yea rs of l ife. A lthough it i s a truth wh ich most of us find ourse lves re l uctant to accept, it i s q u ite obvious that w e d o reta i n the psycho logica l tra its wh ich we ma nifested at age seven for the rest of our l i ves . If we were q u iet a nd predom inate ly i nward at that age, the cha nces a re that we a re st i l l q u iet and i nwardi if we were bo isterous

28

extroverts at age seven, the cha nces a re that others sti l l have to bea r with our boisterous extrovers ion .

A lthough i t i s difficu l t to accept, the psycho logica l sca rs tflat we have acquired d u r i ng these fi rst seven yea rs remain i n some way with us for life . No very deep psycho logica l prob lems originate after this age, a lthough these scars a nd scartissue may be aggravated or i nflamed by c i rcumsta nces occur r i ng l ater in our lives. The rather com mon prejudice i s that we are persona l l y the masters of ou r fates and the captain s of our sou l s; the truth of the matter i s that we a re very large ly shaped by others, who, in an a lmost frightening way, ho ld our dest i ny in their hands . We a re, each of us, the prod uct of those who have loved us . . . or refused to love us .

Anxiety There a re th ree bas ic emotiona l prob

lems with which a l l of us must, to some extent, live . The first of these i s ca l led anxiety. Anxiety may be descr ibed as the irrational fear of an unknown object. We are not q u ite su re what it is that is both-

29

er ing us, but we a re aware of the u neasi ness i n our m i nds and the effects of th i s u neas i ness i n our nervous system a nd d igestive tracts. To the extent that we bea r the sca r-t issue of a nxiety, we fear that someth i ng i s wrong or wi l l go wrong . The deep ly a nxious person l ives h i s l ife u nder Murphy's Low: "What can go wrong wi l l go wrong ." Mu rphy's Law i s i l l ust rated each t ime that we d rop our toast . I t a lways l a nds jam-side down .

The defense mecha n isms bu i lt i nto human nature a re many and comp l icated . Nature seems to seek its own a nesthet ics . For exam ple, when we a re endur ing such g reat phys ica l pa in that the thresho ld (endurance capacity) of pa i n is crossed, nature often seeks the a nesthetic of u nconsciousness. We fa i nt . I nsan ity itse lf i s a com mon refuge for those who fi nd l ife unbearab le . It i s an escape from a rea l a nd too-pa i nfu l wor ld with wh ich the i nd iv idua l finds it imposs ib le to cope.

So with anx iety, human nature has i ts own bui l t- i n defense. Natu re tends to constr ict the genera l fear of a nxiety i nto part icu l a r fea rs ca l led phobias. A phobia ca n be defined as on irrational fear of a

30

known but unrealistic object. Rather than submit to the consta nt u neas i ness of a nxiety, natu re seeks to re l ieve u s by constr ict i ng a nd restrict ing th i s general fear i nto part icu l a r moments . There a re many peop le, for examp le, who look under the i r beds at n ight before reti r i ng, even though they have fou nd noth ing but dust there for many years . There a re others who ca n not endure the c lo ister of a c losed- i n p lace (c l austrophobia) . Others a re unab le to endure the poss ib le per i l s of a h igh p l ace (acrophob i a) . These phobias, desig ned to spare u s from the consta nt tremors of a nxiety, a re usu a l ly many and deep-seated i n the serious ly anxious person .

Causes i n the genes is of a nx iety are not easy to trace. Psycholog i sts, however, a re becoming i ncreas i ng ly aware of the importa nce of what a re ca l led pre-natal experiences. Whe n a woman i s carry i ng a ch i ld , the ch i ld i s on i ts mother's b loodstream . Hemato logy (the study of b lood and its d iseases) has revea led the changes i n b lood chem istry wh ich occur du r i ng the traumat ic moments of human l ife . We a re a l l aware of the phys ica l effects of our emotion s, of the

31

adrena l i n flush i ng i nto our b lood streams, the pa lpitati ng heart and the beads of persp i rat ion that form on our foreheads a nd in the pa l m s of our h a nds .

The fetus or embryo, form ing i n its mother a nd nour ished by her b loodstream , experiences these same impu l ses and effects . They a re a l so tra nsm itted by the m u scu l a r contract ions of the mother's body, wh ich the fetus l i kewise exper iences. The fetus records these experiences a nd reta i n s them both i n its bra i nce l l s and nervous system wh ich i s formed du r i ng the per iod of gestat ion . When a woman i s cons i stent ly upset emotiona l ly du r i ng th i s period of pregna ncy, the ch i ld to be born wi l l rece ive a nd reta i n the message, tra nsm itted v ia b lood chemi stry a nd m uscu l a r contraction : th i s i s a very i n secure wor ld into wh ich it i s com ing .

We a l so know that the i nfa nt after b i rth i s very sens it ive to the hands that ho ld it. If it is d ropped q u ick ly or moved q u ick ly , th i s abrupt and unexpected mot ion causes a n i m med iate nervous react ion . The infa nt w i ll a rch its back and its m u sc les w i l l stiffen . On ly gradua l ly wi l l

32

those muscles re l ax and become supple aga i n . I nfants do not hear soft sou nds, but sudden loud noises shock the i nfant i le nervous system; aga i n the back wi l l a rch a nd st iffen , the musc les wi l l become tense and r ig id . Conseq uent ly , the nervous hands a nd abrupt movements , the explod i ng vo ices of the i nfant's pa rents wi l l tend to rei nforce the message of a nxiety, wh ich wi l l be reta i ned i n the bra i n ce l l s and nervous system of the ch i ld for l ife.

Very often we ca l l the ser ious ly a nxious person a "worry-wart . " We te l l these persons, i n our na ivete and lack of compass ion, that they shou ld n't worry. We even accuse them of look ing for th i ngs to worry a bout. Actua l ly the person who i s g iven to worry has very l itt le control over these i n sti ncts, a nd ou r lack of compassion i s ha rd ly of he l p to h i m .

The Gu i l t Complex

The second bas ic emotiona l afflict ion, to wh ich a l l of us a re to some extent he i rs , is ca l led the guilt complex. The fi rst th i ng that must be sa id a bout th is g u i lt complex i s that it i s un re l ated to actua l

33

g u i l t . I n fact, its or igi n i s usua l ly traceab le to a n age when ser ious , actua l gu i lt wou ld be imposs ib le . A g u i l t complex may be descr ibed as a haunting sense of moral evil or sinfulness. The person who v ivid ly experiences a gu i l t complex is consta nt ly hau nted by h i s own deep feeli ng of s i nfu l ness or evi l . Th i s complex a l so carr ies with it a need to be punished. Although it sounds rather biza rre, the person who is deeply afflicted by a sense of gu i lt , w i l l seek h i s own p u n ishment un know i ng ly and u nconsc ious ly .

In its extreme man ifestat ion the deep ly "g u i lty" person wi l l tend to h u rt h i m self phys ica l ly or to confess some cr ime of wh ich he is not g u i lty. In a lesser but more com mon man ifestation , the person may wel l seek a partner in marr i age or the com pa n ionsh i p of a nother who he th i n ks wi l l pun ish h i m . I t i s not u ncom mon for a woman who has been mar r ied to, and suffered from, an a l coho l ic partner i n mar r iage to remarry, after the dem ise of her fi rst h usband, a nother a lcoho l ic . I n fact there i s a cou nterpart of A lcohol ics Anonymous ca l led A l i non for the wives of reformed a l coho l ics . The emotion a l ad justments of l iv-

36

i ng without pun i sh ment ca n , i n some cases, be very g reat. Th i s i s not to say that a l l of the members of A l i non are the bea rers of deep g u i lt-complexes, but s imp ly that th i s cou ld be one of the emotiona l ad justments that m u st be made in the wa ke of a lcoho l ic reform.

As with anx iety, h u m a n nature has i ts own devices to lessen the sufferi ng of the g u i lt com plex. J ust a s anx iety tends to constr ict itse lf i nto the phobi a , so the g u i lt-com plex tends to con strict itse lf i nto what a re ca l led scruples. The word scrup le i s der ived from the Lat i n word, scrupulum. A scrupulum i s a sma l l pebb le. When by acc ident a sma l l pebble gets lodged i n s ide one of our shoes, as we wa l k a long we fee l the i nterm ittent stabs of pa i n . So the scrupu lous person, as he wa l ks th rough l ife, fee ls the i n term ittent agon ies of h i s imag i ned g u i lt . A scrup le usua l ly centers a ro u nd some supposed s i n or g u i l t . Ju st a s the phobia constr icts and concretizes the genera l ized fea r of anx iety, so does the scrup le constrict a nd concretize the genera l ized sense of g u i lt . Conseq uent ly , the bouts with scrup les, prec ise ly because they a re i nterm ittent, spa re the deep ly-g u i lty per-

37

son from the genera l ized and constant agony of h i s comp lex.

The or ig i n of the g u i lt complex i s usua l l y traceable to severe or h a rsh parents. Perhaps such parents h ave exp l a i ned to themse lves that the i r sever ity is desig ned to prod uce we l l-d i sc ip l i ned ch i ldren . They justify the i r outbursts of emotiona l rage and the vent i l ation of the i r own persona l d i scomfort u nder the holy name of "ch i ld tra i n i ng". When these outbu rsts become a pattern of parenta l conduct, the ch i ld ren of such parents may we l l bea r the scars of the i r "tra i n i ng" for the rest of the i r l i ves in the form of g u i lt comp lexes.

Not long ago a woman named Ruth Krause wrote a book ca l l ed A Hole ;s to D;g. I n th i s book she re l ates the a nswers of g roups of ch i ld ren asked to define many of the com mon rea l it ies of l ife. "Arms," one ch i l d wrote, "are to hug ." "Puppies a re to j ump a l l over you a nd l ick you r face ." "A hole i s to d ig ." The deeper i ntent of Miss Krause was to i l l u strate that ch i ld ren do not th i n k a s adu lts . When, for examp le, a parent leans down over h i s sma l l ch i ld , with b lood i n h i s

39

eyes and flames snort ing from h i s nost r i l s , and in a terr ifyi ng vo ice shouts: "You bad boy! You crossed the street, and I told you not to!" the ch i ld wi l l have l ittle reason to understa nd the da ngers of cross ing a street. He does not know, beca use he does not th i n k i n terms of cause and effect, the peri l s of a sma l l ch i l d cross i ng the street a lone. H e wi l l , however, reta i n t h i s message: h e i s bad. Margaret Mead , i n her book, And Keep Your Powder Dry, i ns i sts on the necessity of conveyi ng to a ch i ld a sense of be i ng loved even when he i s be i ng sco lded or pun i shed . Pun ish ment in a nger i s a l most a lways, if not a lways, a very da ngerous th ing .

The Inferiority Complex

The th i rd basic emotion a l afflict ion of m a n i s ca l led the inferiority-complex. It i s a sense of inadequacy as a person. The person who fee l s deep ly i nfer ior , as we a l l do to some extent, may be awa re of certa i n particu l a r ab i l it ies, but there is i ns ide of h i m the gnawing paras ite of h i s own i nadeq uacy. H e fee l s that he i s u nacceptable as a perso n . He fee l s that he has very l itt le persona l worth . As op-

40

posed to the vict im of a g u i lt-comp lex, the person afflicted with a n i nferioritycomp lex wi l l fee l not so m uch a sense of mora l evi l but of worth lessness. The genes i s of the i nferior ity complex is, l i ke the other emot iona l scars that we bear, traceab le to one's very ea r l y life . When pa rents treat a ch i l d as though he were the i r bag and baggage, and train him to a constant state of su rrender to the a lmighty parenta l wi l l, they are sowing the seeds of such a complex.

Dr. Ben jam i n Spock fee l s that the r ig id enforcement of eating t i mes and hab its, a nd the r ig id reg u l at ion of the other b io logica l fu nct ions of a ch i l d's body, can we l l upset the emotion a l ba l a nce of that ch i l d for the rest of h i s life. The message transm itted by mothers who do not wish to reheat food and fathers who wi l l not tolerate a floor fu l l of toys at a ny t ime, because it i s i nconven ient to them i s : "You have no worth of you r own . You r whole good i s to go a long with us , and not to rock the boat of our conven ience ." Th i s is not to i ssue a n i nd ictment aga i nst a reasonab le and lovi ng d i sc ip l i ne of ch i ld re n . Obv ious ly ,

41

ch i ld ren must learn that others have r ights, and a ch i l d must be tra i ned to rea l ize that he i s to respect the conven ience of others . However, when th i s tra i ni ng i s exaggerated, the ch i l d i s led to be l ieve that h i s whole worth i s to respect the des i res and conven ience of h i s parents. He w i l l , then , i n st i nctive ly concl ude that he has no worth of h i m se lf, a lesson that w i l l sabotage h i s self-confidence, perhaps for l ife.

I t shou ld be noted that most of the effective lessons that a ch i ld needs i n order to be prepared for l ife a re taught rather by example tha n by angry or severe words . When we wish to teach a ch i ld how to b low up a ba l loon, we do not g ive a set of verba l i nstruct ions, a nd expect the ch i ld to a bsorb them . A ch i ld i s not so m uch a th i n ker as a n i m itator . So we blow u p the ba l loon ourse lves, a l low the a i r to escape, and ask h i m to do the same th ing . Bei ng such an i nsti nct ive i m itator, he can do it a lmost at once. The pa rents who d i sgu i se the love of the i r own conven ience u nder the tit l e "ch i ld tra i n i ng" a re teach i ng the i r ch i ld h abits of se lf-centeredness which can br ing on ly u nhappi ness. We have sa id 42

that the fi rst seven years of l ife are the cr it ica l yea rs, and m uch of what i s ca l led the basic human option, either to love (to seek others a nd the i r happ i ness) or to lust (to seek se lf and one's own g ratification), wi l l be determ i ned by the lessons of pa renta l examp le and the osmosis of ch i l d l i ke i m itat ion.

43

3 THE SELF IMAGE I t i s a l most a tru i sm i n contempora ry

psycho logy that one's image of h imself l ies at the root of most h uman conduct. Wh at i s more d ifficu l t to accept i s that the image each of u s has of h i mself is rea l ly the product of what other pep le , r ight ly or wrong ly, h ave to ld us that we a re. I f one imag i nes h imself to be ev i l or i nadeq uate and h i s l ife to be governed by Mu rphy's Law, it w i l l show in his conduct. He w i l l attem pt noth i ng of ch a llenge and wi l l cons ider safety as that wh ich must be sought above and before a l l . He wi l l somehow attem pt to h ide h is shame or i nadeq uacy under a vei l of anonym ity . The one th i ng he can not doand i t i s the one th ing every human bei ng must do to be fu l ly a l ive-i s accept h imself as he i s .

The who le theory of Dr . Ca r l Rogers, famous for h i s non-d i rect i ve or c l ientcentered system of counse l i ng, i s based on the need for se lf-accepta nce. D r . Rogers m a i nta i n s that the bas ic cha l lenge of every human l ife is that of se l f-u nder-

45

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

yo" BElTER NoT ..... .

to",OMISE

..... YOURSELF- ....

I

IT'S ALL yov 60T- .....

JANIS JOPLIN I I I I I I I I

sta nding and se lf-accepta nce. He further postu l ates that no one ca n understa nd and accept h imse lf as he is unti l another has fi rst u nderstood and accepted him for what he is. F i n a l ly , Rogers m aintains that, once we have been accepted as we are and loved for what we a re, the symptomatic prob lems with which most of us strugg le in life wi l l yie ld to this se lf knowledge and acceptance .

Consequent ly, Rogers suggests that the ro le of a cou nse lor (and this might we l l be app lied to the ro le of a frien d) i s l a rge ly to listen as the c l ient describes his problems and u l timate ly himself . He must convey a sense of acceptance to his counse lee, without y ie ld i ng to the i mpu l se of sadd ling him with gem s of advice and direct ion . To be successful at th i s type of counse ling or f r iendship, one must make an act of fa ith t hat the great human need i s to know and accept oneself as he i s . We a re too often tempted to th i n k that putt i ng another in his place, or ta k i ng him down a peg, or forcing h i m to face rea l ity i s the pathway to so l ut ion . I n fact, ha rsh cr i t ic ism that h its at the person rather than the deed on ly

47

deepens the problem beca use it m a kes se lf-acceptance more d ifficu lt.

Recent ly a p l a st ic su rgeon d i scovered that when h i s surg ica l arts had removed some physica l ug l i ness or ass isted a person to a more p leas i ng phys ica l appeara nce the patient frequently u nderwent a tran sformat ion of persona l ity. He became more confident, more outgoing , and exh ib ited a newly emancipated human sp i r it. I n pu rsu i ng h i s i nvest igat ion of th i s phenomenon, he turned to the i n ner i mage, as opposed to the externa l physica l appeara nce, and d i scovered that th i s i n ner se lf- image contro l s so m uch of human conduct a nd h appi ness. I n h i s book, Psycho-Cybernetics, Dr. Ma ltz dep icts the ug ly se lf-image as the radica l cause of most human i nert i a , fa i lure and unhapp i ness .

The importance of one's se lf- i mage i s a pt ly i l l u st rated i n the fa i ry t a l e Rapunze/. It is the story of a young g i r l , i mpr isoned i n a tower w ith a n o ld witch. The you ng g i r l i s i n fact very beaut ifu l , but the o ld witch i ns i stent ly te l l s her that she i s ug ly. It i s , of cou rse, a strategem of the witch to keep the g i r l in the tower w ith her-

48

self. The moment of Rapunzel's l i berat ion occurs one day when she i s gaz i ng from the wi ndow of the tower . At the base of the tower stands her Pr i nce Charm i ng . She th rows her ha i r , long and beautifu l go lden tresses , out the window (the root-ends, of cou rse, rema in attached to her head), and he bra ids the ha i r i nto a l adder and c l imbs up to rescue her . Rapu nze l 's i m pr i son ment i s rea l ly not that of the tower but the fea r of her own ug l i ness wh ich the witch has descri bed so often and so effect ive ly . However, when Rapu nze l sees in the m i rror i ng eyes of her lover that she i s beautif u l , she i s freed from the rea l tyra nny of her own imag ined ug l iness.

Th i s i s true not on ly in the case of Rapunze l but with a l l of us . We desperate ly need to see i n the m i rror of a nother's eyes our own goodness and bea uty, i f we a re to be tru ly free. Unt i l th i s moment, we, too, wi l l rema in locked i ns ide the pr i son towers of ou rselves. And, if the thrust of love requ i res us to be outside of ourse lves and to be preoccupied with the happi ness and fu lfI l l ment of others, we w i l l not love very m uch u nt i l we have had th i s v is ion .

49

Ego Defense Mechanisms We have a l ready mentioned that h u

man nature i s resou rcefu l i n the matter of se lf-defense. Th i s resou rcefu l ness i s perhaps nowhere better i l l u strated tha n i n the ego defense mechan isms wh ich we emp loy to protect ou rselves from the ch imeras of a nxiety, gu i lt, a nd i nfer iority complexes . Rather than expose a self wh ich we imag ine to be i nadeq uate or ug ly, we i n stinct ive ly bu i ld wa l l s, cont ra ry to Robert Frost's adv ice: Do not bui ld a wa l l u nti l you know what you a re wa l l i ng in a nd what you a re wa l l i ng out . To the extent that we exper ience sca rs of a nxiety, gu i lt, and i nferior ity fee l i ngs, we a re tempted to wea r masks, to act ro les. We do not trust or accept ou rse lves enough to be ou rse lves . These wa l l s and masks a re measu res of se lfdefense, and we wi l l l ive beh i nd our wa l l s a nd wea r our masks as long as they a re needed .

Wh i le it may seem to be a safer life beh i nd these facades, it is a l so a lone ly l ife . We cease to be a uthentic, and as persons we sta rve to death . The deepest sad ness of the mask is, however, that we

52

have cut ou rse lves off from a l l gen uine and authent ic contact with the rea l world and with other h u m a n be i ngs who hold our potentia l maturity and fu lfi l l ment in their hands . When we resort to acting out ro les or wea ri ng masks there is no p o s s i b i l i t y of h u m a n a n d p e r s o n a l growth . We a r e s i mply not be i ng ourse lves, and we ca n not emerge in an atmosphere of growth . We a re merely perform i ng on a stage. When the curtain d rops after our performance we wi l l rema i n the same immature person that we were when the curtain went up at the beg i n n i ng of the act.

Very often ou r masks a re obvious ly pretentious or ug ly . The sma l l boy wa l ki ng th rough the da rk cemetery in the dead of n ight whist les to convi nce himse lf and others who may be with him that he is not afraid . We ca l l it "whist l i ng i n the da rk". We know that the sm a l l boy, who d reams of becom ing a basketba l l star , wa l ks on the tips of his toes, t rying to be somethi ng that he fears he i sn 't . More obnoxious perhaps i s the person who bites h i s n a i l s i nward ly but wears the pretentious mask of cockiness

53

on the outs ide. Eventu a l ly the publ ic wh ich s i ts in attenda nce on such an act sees th rough it.

There is a strong human temptation to j udge peop le on ly in terms of these acts or masks . I t i s a l l too ra re that we a re able to see through the sham and pretense of masks the i n secu re or wou nded heart that i s bei ng camouflaged and protected from further i n j u ry . Conseq uent ly, we lash out with the i ron fists of cr it ic ism and sa rcasm or we try to tea r off the masks of our fe l low men i n ferocious a nger. We fa i l to rea l ize that masks a re worn on ly a s long as they a re needed . On ly the reassura nce of an accept ing a nd u nderstand ing love w i l l l u re the a nx ious, the g u i lt-r idden and the supposed ly i nferior persons out from beh i nd the i r defenses. I t may wel l be that we ourse lves a re h i d i ng beh ind such masks and wa l l s, resu l t ing in very l itt le human encounter a nd commun icat ion . . . on ly mask fac ing mask, wa l l fac ing wa l l .

Genera l ly, we ca n recog n ize masks . We have a sense that our brother i s not a uthentic, that he i s pretentious, a nd we ca l l h i m a sham. We very much d i s l i ke

54

the mask of be l l igerence, a nd we resent the s i lent mask of the sph i nx . We try to sabotage the comp lacent mask of cockiness i n the you ng a nd the mask of ar roga nce i n the o ld . We do not rea l ize that i n the u nexposed roots of these exter iors, there i s on ly a cry of pa i n and the need to be u nderstood and loved i nto l ife . Most of the obnoxious q u a l it ies that we find in others a re the res u lt of some k ind of defens ive convergence on self, and we open ly resent th i s se lf-centered postu re . I t is then that we m u st remember the psych iatr ist's q uestion : "Did you ever h ave a toothache?" We must learn to look th rough the sham and pretense of ou r fe l low h u m a n bei ngs, to a l leviate the pa i n and the lone ly vo ids that have constructed these defense wa l l s . Di rect attacks on these defenses wi l l on ly prod uce the i r re i nforcement.

The Subconscious Mind

Psycho log i sts te l l u s of two leve l s of the h u m a n m ind : the conscious and the subconscious. It i s obvious f rom the term i no logy itse lf that we are conscious or aware of the contents of ou r consc ious m i nds; we a re u naware of the contents

56

of the subconscious leve l s of ou r minds . These two leve l s of the m ind have been compared to the upstairs a nd downstairs of a human dwe l l i ng . When we fi nd eyesores, a worn-out p iece of furniture or an u ns ight ly pa i l of ga rbage, we i nsti nct ive ly want to put them out of our s ight -into the basement, where we wi l l not have to look at them. So it is w ith the two leve l s of the m i n d . When we ca n not face or l i ve with some rea l ity or att itude that we fi nd in ourse lves, we can submerge th i s rea l ity or att itude i nto our subconsc ious m i nds . When we wish to forget some event of our l i ves, a nd de l i berate ly h i de it i n the confi nes of the subconscious, th i s i s ca l led suppression. When we d i scover some attitude or emotional reaction i n ourse lves, which we cons ider u nworthy a nd therefore put out of sight and i nto the subconscious m ind , th i s is ca lied repression.

Eventua l ly, when the subconsc ious m i nd becomes over loaded, we fi nd o u rse lves very u ncomfortab le . We a re u nawa re of the exact sou rce of our d i scomfort, prec ise ly becau se our rea l conflict has been bu r ied i n the subconscious . What we bury there i s not bu ried dead

57

but a l ive, a nd rema ins a l ive. Sometimes we try to find an antagon ism of the present moment u pon wh ich to lay the b lame for our discomforts, but the roots of our pa i n can be found on ly i n the subconscious m i nd.

For examp le, when a ch i ld i s not loved and not g iven a sense of h i s own persona l worth by h i s parents, he wi l l tend to react i n one of two ways: h e w i l l ta ke the path o f externa l conform ity or externa l rebe l l ion. But there w i l l a lways be a resentment because he has been depr ived of h is psychologica l needs. However, society and our cu ltu re w i l l not a l low us to express th is resentment, rea l as it may be. When the ch i ld tr ies to express th is resentment to h i s pa rents, they wi l l rem ind h i m forc ib ly that they are his parents and deserve to be loved. The fact of the matter is that they may not be loveable and thei r i ns istent demand to be loved wi l l p lace the ch i ld i n a pos it ion of deep emotiona l conflict. Pa rents who a re adamant i n the i r i ns istence that their ch i ld ren obey the fourth commandment to honor father and mother shou ld make an equa l effort to be honorable. 58

The ch i ld , i n whom i nevitab le resentment i s g rowi ng, usua l l y cannot express th i s resentment and is made to fee l that it i s a very evi l th i ng. Shou ld he try to express th i s to others outs ide of h i s fami ly, he may wel l be ca l led an i ng rate a nd made to feel ashamed for hav ing such an attitude towards h i s pa rents.

The stage has now been set for repression. Not know i ng what to do with h i s resentment he w i l l h ide i t in the basement of h i s m ind. I t is l i ke a spl i nter of wood that has been pushed deeply under the flesh where it w i l l fester a nd cause agony; the resentment i n the ch ild who is not loved wi l l be a source of much pa i n. There i s a lways the cha nce that th i s resentment, gather ing too m uch force in the subconscious m i nd, may boi l over into acts of vio lence o r vandal i sm, and the wrong people may have to bear the brunt of th i s h i dden or repressed resentment.

Another example of a com mon repression i s the repressed need for affect ion and love. Very often i n ou r cu ltu re such needs can not be acknowledged or expressed. They do not coi ncide with the

59

i mage of i ndependent v i r i l ity that i s th rust u pon us b y o u r soc iety and cu l tu re. Consequently, the person who has these repressed needs wi l l h ave to seek the i r g ratification i n devious and subt le ways, at ti mes dece iv ing even h imself .

I t has been sa id that l i quor, i n re leasi ng i nh ibit ions, often opens the door to the repressions i n the subconscious. The person who becomes argumentative and antagon i stic under the m i l d i nfluence of l i quor is probab ly re leas ing h i s repressed hosti l it ies. The person who wa nts to put h i s arms a rou nd everyone i n the p l ace, ma le or fema le, may be re leas ing someth i ng of h i s repressed needs to be loved. We wi l l reca l l that i n T. S. E l iot's p l ay, The Cocktail Party, the author portrays a man u nder the i nfluence of l iq uor leani ng over to a psych i atr ist at the Cockta i l Pa rty. H e p leads with the psych iatr i st for th i s favor : P lease make me feel importa nt.

And th i s is what psychoanalysis is a l l about. The ana lyst d redges the contents of the subconscious m i nd , he lps the person to rea l ize what h i s prob lems rea l ly are, and tr ies to he lp h i m to l ive with them.

60

Although hypnosis and na rcotherapy (the use of truth serums) a re someti mes used in psychoa na lys is, the most common means is ca l l ed free association. The person is he lped by the ana lyst to assoc iate h i s present thoughts w ith memories of h i s past, and gradua l ly , to l i nk what he fee ls i n the here a nd now to the h i storica l and rad ica l causes of these feelings . He may a l so attempt to i nterpret h i s c l ient's dreams, the matter for wh ich i s suppl ied l argely by the subconsc ious m i nd s i nce the consc ious m i nd i s not active dur ing s leep.

Need less to say, the p rocess of psychoa na lys is shou ld be left to those who a re profess iona l ly competent. The o n ly poi nt i n br ing ing th i s up i s to i l l ustrate the rea l ity of the subconsc ious m i nd a nd the fact that we very ra re ly understa nd our own motivation and the root causes of our own d iscomfort.

Transference

Very often we a re strong ly i mpel led by the needs that ex ist at subconsc ious leve ls. The need to be loved, to feel i mportant, and the need for se lf-accepta nce

61

ca n very often, even when we a re u naware of it, have a profou nd i nfluence on our conduct and dea l i ngs with others. Transference, i n the sense that we are here us ing it ( i t does have another usage), i s a lways a subconscious process by which we transfer our needs to others. For examp le, if we wish to fee l importa nt, we may seek to lord it over others, to dom i nate them . If we were to be asked about such cond uct we wou ld heart i l y and i ntrans igent ly ma inta i n that this i s the way that others need to be treated . It i s for thei r own good . Actua l ly , we may be transferr ing our own subconscious need to them . A you ng person may we l l enter u pon an occupation of notable a lt ru ism on the g rounds that he wishes to make a contr i bution to a needy wor ld . Wh i le th is may i n fact be the case, i t may a l so be that su bconscious ly he has an u nsatisfied need to be needed .

Very often when mothers or fathers a re over-protective of the i r ch i ld ren, on the a l leged grounds that they wish no harm to come to them, they may we l l be subconsc ious ly transferr ing the i r own need to have the i r ch i ld ren dependent u pon them . They do not want them to

64

grow up. Wh i le it i s we l l for us to be awa re of th i s poss ib i l ity of t ransference i n our l ives, to be aware that we may wel l be seek ing ou rse lves u nder the gu i se of a lt ru i sm and love, there is really no way to lay open a l l the intr icacies of human mot ivation o r to exp lore our own subconscious needs. The only effect ive measu res that we ca n take are to renew our mot ivat ion and to locate the focus of the m ind on those we a re try ing to se rve and he lp. If we ca n cons i stent l y do th i s, we wi l l g radu a l ly acq u i re the habit that is ca l led love .

The Need For Professional Help

Our age has been ca l led "the age of the couch". Sometimes we interpret the presence of stress and stra i n i n our l i ves and i ns ide of ou rse lves as an i nd icat ion of the need for profess iona l psychologica l or psych i atric he lp. The st igma of seek ing such profess iona l he lp has la rgely been removed i n these t i mes, perha ps due to the adm iss ion of many movie sta rs and nationa l heroes that they have sought and been he lped by such profess iona l treatment. However, suppress ion, repress ion, subconsc ious needs a nd

65

transference are a part of the psychologica l makeup of a l l of us. Hopefu l ly, not a l l of us sta nd in need of such profess iona l he lp.

We have mentioned at the beg i n n i ng of th is book the dynam ics of human persona l ity and the poss ib i l ity that these dynamics can become impeded . If they are impeded to such an extent that the person is ab le to neither experience true, mean i ngfu l human fr iendsh i p nor perform in reasonable proport ion to h i s capacit ies, there i s then i nd ication that he is in need of professiona l he lp.

A true and mean i ngfu l human fr iendsh i p supposes more than mere associ ation with another. It supposes that we are ab le to share ourse lves, to revea l ourse lves to another who is our fr iend. I t supposes that we can entrust h i m with our secrets a nd accept h i s confidences . I t i s the h uman re lationsh ip that Marti n Buber ca l l s the " I -Thou" encounter .

There i s a lways some gap between our abso l ute potenti a l and actua l performance. None of us ever f u l ly rea l izes h i s abso l ute potentia l nor tra ns lates perfect ly h i s best i ntentions i nto externa l

66

accompl ishments. Yet, when there i s a considerable gap between potenti a l a nd performance, as when the student of considerable i nte l lectua l endowment ca nnot pass h i s cou rses i n school or when the competent worker ca n not perform sufficient ly to ho ld a job for a very long t ime, there is some i nd ication that the dynam ics of persona l ity have been seriously jammed and there i s need of profess iona l ass ista nce.

A further i nd icat ion of th is need m ay ar i se from what a re ca l led psychosomatic illnesses. Because of the myster ious i nterre lation of sou l and body, the bur ied d i stu rba nces of the m i nd may express themse lves i n physica l react ions. Aga i n , th i s shou ld be left to the professiona l judgment of a competent physic i an. And fina l ly, prolonged depression which i nd icates the presence of some d istu rbance with i n the person ca n be a n i nd ication that the person i s i n need of professiona l he lp. There are t imes, of course, when we a l l fee l depressed. The depress ion that i s symptomatic of a deeper p roblem i s usua l ly a cr ipp l i ng and prolonged depression. But again it w i l l be expressed in the i nabi l i ty of the person invo lved to

67

accompl i sh a mea n i ngfu l fr iendsh ip and to perform i n reasonab le proport ion to h i s ab i l ity.

The Need For Friendship

Wh i le the person i n need of profess iona l he lp shou ld seek out competent a nd professiona l ass ista nce, a l l of us have the need for the support ive psychotherapy of fr iendsh ip . We a re, each of us , a cong lomerat ion of mysterious needs and i mpu l ses wh ich need to be ventil ated . We need to be ab le to express ourse lves, to ta l k ou rse lves out without fea r of re ject ion by others . Too often the problems th at we keep submerged within us rema i n , i n the darkness of our own i nter ior, u ndefi ned and therefore destructive. We do not see the true dimens ions of these th i ngs that troub le u s u nt i l we define them and set l i nes of demarcation i n conversat ion with a fr iend . I ns ide of us they rema in as nebulous as smoke, but when we confide ourse lves to a nother we acq u i re some sense of d imens ion and growth i n self- ident ity and the capac ity to accept ourse lves as we a re.

68

I t may we l l be that our wa l l s and masks wi l l make th i s d ifficult . We may i n sti nctive ly try to rationa l ize that there is rea l l y no one nea r to whom we can ta l k ourse lves out. Ma ny of us pract ice the se lf-deception of be l ieving that there i s no one i n our supposed c i rc le of fr iends that can be trusted . Very common ly these excuses that we have rehearsed so often are mere ly excuses. Our rea l fea r i s that we wou ld be rejected, that the other person wou ld not u nderstand us. And so we wait and wait and wa it beh i nd our wa l l s for the sufficient sou nd of reassu rance i n a nother or we gaze out of the windows of our towers looki ng for a Pr i nce Charm i ng to come a nd rescue us . We excuse ou rse lves from a l l i n i t iative in seek ing a tru ly human, i nterpersona l relat ionsh i p with another on the grou nds that the t ime i s not r ipe o r the c i rcumstances r ight . I n the meanwhi le, we can on ly per ish. We w i l l very l i kely "act out" the problems that rema in submerged with i n us if we refuse to "ta l k out" these problems. We wi l l act out our hosti l it ies by destructive ly cr it ic iz i ng those a rou nd us, or act out our need to be loved by an emotiona l overdependence upon others.

69

We w i l l act out our repressed sense of i nfer ior i ty by try ing to h u m i l iate others or dom inate them.

It i s so m uch wiser to ta ke a l l the r i sks of confidi ng in another than to l ive a lone beh i nd wa l l s and masks, b l i nd ly act ing out the th i ngs that we refuse to ta l k out. And we must remember, if we want to love others tru ly, that these repressed a nd suppressed problems a re very defi n ite ly imped iments to love. They are our toothaches wh ich keep us converged on ourse lves, keep us f rom being ourse lves, and keep us from forgett ing ourse lves.

72

4 THE MATURING PROCESS We speak of people as bei ng matu re

or i mmature, but the fact i s that a l l of human l ife shou ld represent a n everconti n u i ng g rowth towards f u l l matur ity. What we have ca l led the dynam ics of human persona l ity a re very m uch i nvo lved i n th i s process of se lf-reve lat ion and of self-expa ns ion. Consequently, all the s igns of immatu r ity a re somehow cha racter ized by convergence upon self . This se lf-centered ness betrays itself i n many ways: bear ing g rudges a n d pre j ud ices, pout ing, emotiona l ized th i n k ing , exaggerated fee l i ngs of i nferior ity, overconcern about the op i n ions that others have of us , worry ing , overdependence upon parents or fam i ly, rebe l l ious and angry attitudes, bragg ing or bu l ly ing , temper ta ntrums, the negativism of destructive cr it ic i sm, p rocrast i nat ion, se lfi ndu lgence, "s lapstick" humor wh ich i s h u m i l iat ing to another, fli rtat ions, etc.

The patterns of matur ity are recogn ized in the abi l ity to go out to others, to get a long with them, to exercise a

75

reasonab le self-sufficiency, to set rea l i st ic goa l s, to exerc ise d i scretion , to d ifferent i ate the im porta nt and un i mporta nt th i ngs in l ife, flex ib i l i ty , adaptabi l i ty, and emotiona l stab i l ity .

We m ight d iv ide human matu r ity i nto fou r d ifferent aspects . Intellectual maturity i s character ized by the ab i l ity to form one's own opi n ion , respecti ng but not lea n i ng on the opi n ions of others; the ab i l ity to make one's own dec is ions, with a l l due respect to substa nt i a l evidence and the cou n se l of others, i ndependent ly and fi rm ly . The i nte l lectu a l l y mature person i s w i l l i ng to change h i s m i nd i n t h e l ight of new a nd importa nt evidence and to mod ify h i s p l ans if such seems to be wise . He has h is own thoughts, m a kes h i s own dec is ions a nd accepts fu l l respons ib i l ity for them. He i s w i l l i ng to bear respons i b i l ity a nd to acknowledge the truth even when it i s d isp leas ing, or ma kes ser ious demands of h i m . He does not approach h i s problems by worryi ng over them . He ana lyzes the problem, cons iders the a l ternatives, ma kes a decis ion, executes and l ives with that dec is ion .

76

Emotional maturity i s c h a racter i zed by the acceptance of e m otions together w i th the ab i l ity to kee p them under reasona b l e contro l . The emotion a l l y mature person can l i ve w ith emoti on a l s ituations without fa l l ing apart, and he learns to dea l with these s itu at ions ob ject i ve l y . He ta l ks out g r ievances rather than pouts; he can accept cr i t ic ism w ithout fee l ing deeply h u rt; he can face and do u n p leasant th ings w ithout runn i ng away from them; he i s not overcome by ch i l d i sh fears a n d anx iet ies . Both t h e rad ica l , w h o wants to change eve ryth ing from the g round u p, and the react ion a ry, who d oes not want a n yone to roc k the boat and who i s deepl y devoted to the status quo, a re emotiona l l y i m m atu re, as Ma rtin Peck points out in h i s boo k, The Meaning of Psychoanalysis.

Both the rad ica l a nd the reactiona ry represent a n u n reso l ved attitude towa rd dom i neer i ng pa renta l a uthority, long after the rea l i ty-s ituat ion h a s ceased to ex i st . The rad ica l has sought to rebe l a nd h a s never outg rown th i s rebe l l ious attitude. The react ionary has chosen to confor m and for h is own reasons w i l l te nd to be a conform i st a l l of h is l ife . He w i l l fea r to attempt new accom p l ish m ents on

77

h is own and he wi l l be re l ucta nt to accept wh ateve r is new.

Social maturity is cha racter ized by the a b i l ity to go out to others, to re l ate we l l w ith them, and to accom p l ish mean ingfu l fr iend sh ips . The socia l l y mature person is neither too dependent on h is own fa m i l y or f r iends , nor does he wage wa r w ith them . He can a d j ust h im se l f to the laws and con vention s of the society in w h ich he l ives; and he is a b le to s u bordin ate h i m se l f to the p rosecut ion of g ro u p idea l s and g ro u p need s . He fi nds that wor k can be interesting, in sp ite of its u n p l easant and h u m d r u m aspects .

Moral maturity i s c h a racte r ized by the devotion to mora l idea l s and the a bi l ity to l ive them out . A c h i ld's mora l s a re gene ra l l y in stinctua l and un reasoned . They a re the mora l s of h i s pa rents and those a round h im . I n adolescence, the mora l l y m atu ring person w i l l conce ive h is own idea l s and w i l l h a ve a method of a r r i v ing at them wh ich is fa i r ly definite and inte l l igent. With ever-deepen ing matur ity, a person's idea l s u s u a l l y become more rea l i st ic a nd con s istent, and at the same t ime fi rmer . I n genera l i t can

80

be sa id that the mora l l y m atu re person has come to h i s idea l s in a perspect i ve that i s a l tr u i st ic rathe r th a n egocentr i c .

S i nce matu r ity i s a n eve r-evol v i ng process a n d progress, i t ca n be mar ked by h a lts (fixations) a n d recess ions (regressions) . There a re i n each of us two confl icti ng tendenc ies; to g row up and to turn bac k . I n ge nera l when l ife dema n d s more o f u s th a n we fee l c a pa b l e o f g i vi ng , we deve lop w h at h a s bee n ca l l ed "promot ion a l n e u ros is" . We h ave d ifficu lty in a d j ust i ng to i ncrea sed respo n s ib i l i t ies to tend to back away.

H . Cr ichto n Mi l le r in h is book The New Psychology And The Teacher suggests that the two most common cau ses of fixat ion a nd /o r reg ress ion a re 1 ) domineering parental authority, and 2) a too harsh presentation of reality. Dom i neer i ng pa renta l a uthor i ty st ifles i n d i v idua l i ty a n d se lf-ex press ion; a perso n ca n mat u re o n l y to the exte nt that he i s a l l owed to be h i m se l f . He i s a u n iq u e person a nd m u st be a l lowed to be a n d express w h at he i s . A prese ntat ion of rea l i ty wh ich seems too h a rsh i s p uzzl i ng to a ch i l d a n d becomes too m uc h for h i s powers of

81

ad justment; and so he does not fol low h is predom inant ly bio log ica l u rge to grow u p, but fixates or regresses to escape the cha l lenge.

Fixation represents an arrested emot iona l development. It i s usua l ly a case of apron stri ngs, "smother love," and excessive dependence on the thoug hts and decis ions of others . Regression i s a retu rning to a lower stage of deve lopment; it i s l iv ing in the past. "Backward, tu rn backwa rd, 0 Ti me,/ I n you r flight./Ma ke me a ch i ld aga in , j u st/For ton ight." (E l izabeth Akers A l len) I t i s the "Old Oa ken Bucket Complex" (d. poem by Wi l l i am Wordsworth) : "How dear to th i s heart a re the/Scenes of my ch id l hood,/ When fond reco l lect ion presents them to view." Memory often d i storts the possib i l it ies of the past, and g l a morizes what m ight have been . (d. Wende l l White The Psychology Of Dealing With People, p. 75 .) Regress ion is we l l- i l l ustrated i n the so-ca l led "grown-u p" who de l ights in the co l lege reu n ion or bus i ness convention so he ca n act l i ke a "k id" aga i n .

Regress ion i s usua l ly a return to a poi nt of previous fixation . For exam ple,

8 2

the devoted daughter, who was the l itt le dar l ing of her parents, may be impel led to run home to them when her marr i age becomes d ifficu lt. She may wa nt to regress to the stage or poi nt of fixation when she was a l itt le dar l i ng ; she refuses to accept the cha l lenge of being a grown-up mother a nd wife. The dom inant motive for such regression, as we have sa id, i s usu a l ly the re l ucta nce to accept new cha l lenges and respons ib i l it ies.

Ch i ldren who have been pampered (a nd th is appl ies ch iefly to the ages of th ree to twelve), who have been g iven everyth i ng and asked noth i ng, a re often pre-disposed to regress l ater in l ife to cantankerous and ch i l d ish bids for attentions. Frustrations and a nger, a l so, if carr ied i ns ide of a person too long without the venti lat ion of conversation with another, tend to resu l t in regress ion.

Maturation and Needs

Infancy i s the period cover ing the fi rst two years of l ife. We must reca l l what we have sa id about anx iety and i ts transmiss ion dur i ng i nfancy. Here the stress must be p laced on the posit ive

83

needs of the ch i ld at th i s stage. The i nfa nt's ch ief need i s for tender love wh ich i s comm u n icated pr imar i l y th rough the sense of touch. If an i nfant is shown m uch love and g iven the sense that he is loveable d u r i ng th i s period , he wi l l g row u p to expect fr iend l i ness from others and be more d i sposed to love others h i mself . I t shou ld be rema rked that i nfa ncy i s a h u m a n bei ng's fi rst impress ion of l ife . I n genera l , it i s necessary that th i s first i mpression be one of secur ity, tenderness, and love. I nfa ncy i s not the stage in wh ich ch i ld ren ca n be "spo i led".

Childhood embraces the t h i rd to the twelfth year of l ife. I t is du r i ng th i s per iod that a person beg ins to estab l i sh h i s own i nd ividua l ity and se lf-esteem . Parents must guard aga inst the two extremes of over-protection and re jection. C h i ld ren who are over-protected, for whom parents do everyth i ng and whose every act iv ity is supervised with eager pa renta l eyes, a re never taught the self- re l i ance that is a part of g rowi ng up . They a re not bei ng prepared to accept ha rdsh i ps. They a re not bei ng tra i ned to make respons ib le dec is ions.

84

The g reatest accompl i sh ment du r i ng the period of ch i ldhood is tra i n i ng i n soc ia l ization. A ch i ld m ust be taught to share and cooperate, to rel i nqu ish the se lf-centered world of the i nfant. About the age of th ree a ch i ld tr ies to g row i nto relationsh ips with others; a nd at the same t ime he i s busy try ing to become a un ique somebody. When he becomes frustrated or d i sor iented by th is doub le effort, he comes i nto what is known as "the age of res i sta nce" . He resorts to host i l e refusa l s. He may try to return to being a baby aga in , or i ntroverted ly to turn away from rea l ity. He may try to console h imse lf with th u m b sucki ng; he m ight exh ibit sp itefu l rebe l l ion , res i st feed ing, and stage temper ta ntrum s. However, by age five he usually recovers and has developed a c learer concept of h is own persona l status and the wisdom of adu lt a uthor ity.

The most cr it ica l problem i n ch i ldhood i s that of discipline. The centra l d irect ive i s th i s : g ive as few comm a nds as a re strict ly req u i red a nd then see that they a re carr ied out. To g ive too ma ny commands wi l l seem just ifiab ly unreasonable to a ch i ld and he wi l l rebe l. D u r-

85

i ng th i s period, parenta l d i sci p l i ne shou ld g radua l ly y ie ld to self-d i scip l i ne . On ly by practice can a ch i ld develop se lf-re l ia nce and a sense of persona l responsib i l ity.

A second very serious problem wh ich often occurs in th is stage is that of jealousy. If the older ch i ld isn't g iven some t ime exclusively for h imse lf and some exp lanation that the new baby has more needs, i s more he lp less, etc. , h i s jea lousy can lead to anger and even hatred of h i s parents. There m ight a l so occur in h im fee l i ngs of fa i l u re and shame and poss ib ly a lasti ng resentment for the younger ch i l d who i s the object of h i s jea lousy. Usua l ly th i s jea lousy can be foresta l led by g ivi ng the older ch i ld r ights of sen iority, by encourag i ng h im to he lp with the care of the baby, and by cons istently rem ind ing h im of h i s own u n ique persona l worth .

Adolescence i s the period that extends by defin it ion from age twelve to twenty-one. Ado lescence has been ca l led the per iod of "storms and stress". Our America n type c iv i l ization creates much of th i s stra i n , storm and stress by its own

86

' -"i . -!!

.d . of'l

_ . . .. -J::>I :: /: .

. , . , .

, ;- :.,,-

pressu res and choices. For example, the you ng person must decide about going to co l lege, accept ing po l it ica l affi l i ation , ach ieving se lf-support, choos ing a profession , and estab l i sh i ng wholesome relat ionsh ips with the oppos ite sex.

I n our American cu ltu re pa rents often u n knowing ly employ certa i n means that deepen the storm and stress of adolescence. Th is i s depr iv ing the young of emotiona l secur ity by offer ing or withd rawing signs of affection as a sou rce of coercion. So many pa rents offer s igns of love on ly on the cond it ion of su rrender to the i r w i l l and wh ims. L i kewise, many pa rents goad the i r ch i ld ren i nto a re lentless pursu it of success by th reaten ing to withdraw the i r love in case of fa i l u re. Th i s th reat of re jection subjects ch i ld ren to ser ious emotiona l stra i n by mak ing them fee l that they must be good or smart, etc. In genera l , ch i ld ren can end u re ser ious emotiona l stra i n from other sou rces if the tender and lov ing care of the i r pa rents i s present.

The ma in conflict i n the adolescent i s between two tendencies: gregariousness and individuation. The ado lescent seeks

88

to be accepted by oth e rs (g regar iousness) and at the same t ime h e see ks to be h i mse lf ( indiv iduat ion) . Confor m ity appears to be the pr ice of popu l a r i ty, and yet it asks the subm iss i o n of ind i v i d u a l i ty . Adolescents w h o m a ke th i s submiss ion s l av ish l y do not b u i l d u p a sense of who and what they rea l l y a re, and a re con seq uent ly confu sed . Confor m ity to t h e peer g rou p a n d t h e acceptance o f the many status sym bo l s of adolescent soc iety can tend to i m p riso n you ng m e n o r women j u st when they a re see k ing to be free a n d to be themse l ves . The more acceptance an ado lescent receives in h i s own home and from h i s ow n fa m i ly , t h e l e s s he wi l l b e s u bjected t o the pressu res of h is peer g rou p and the less he wi l l be inc l i ned to conform to the i r a rbitra ry sta n d a rds .

The ten s ion i s concrete l y between soc i a l accepta nce and the de n i a l of ind iv i d u a l i ty . The adolesce nt i s to rn betwee n the ach ievement of person a l confidence and under l y i ng uncerta inty . He s incere l y q uestions answers g i ven h i m , yet he ca n a ppea r very s u re of h i mse l f . Th i s su reness i s u s u a l ly a com pensatory cover o r mask for h i s u ncerta i nty. The doubts h e

8 9

E A r

t"r God is D A (}

A"' sll ppt' Sd TO VV Ito STAiVO AS AN D PlqA1 I1 , DE A O , ,v ltS -

N VE

I I I I I I

'ttU6'M ' hGf "

f ltT 600 AN.

S'lMO()I of 60d

It 1ll y614n,

8 CA" W "E

N ot ltTODd 1 'M t

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

h a s a re enco u rag ing sym ptoms of inte l l ectua l awa ke n i n g . He q uestions a uthori ty a n d even h i s re l ig ious fa ith . He i s t ryi ng to m a ke h i s conv ict ions h i s ow n . He m ust never be sco l ded for t h i s . I t i s the t ime of l ife when he most needs the sens i t i ve sym pathy of h i s p a rents .

The adol escent i s especia l l y se nsitive to cr.it ic i sm a n d d i spa ragement. He needs abu ndant affect io n , e n c o u r a g e m e n t, pra i se a nd attent ion to cou nteract the demora l iz i ng exper ie nces of the c l assroom , the ath let ic fie ld a n d the scra m b l e for soc i a l accepta nce . Bragg i ng o r be l itt l i ng others is o n l y h is way to conce a l perso n a l i n secur ity, a n d i ts i m porta nce shou ld not be exaggerated . Those who vol u nteer to "ta ke h im dow n a peg" do h i m a g reat d i sservice.

The most ser ious a d j ustment of the adolesce nt i s the e m a ncipat ion from fami l y bo nds . Overprotect ive o r possess ive p a rents a re ter r ib l y frustrating to h i m , a n d he m a y deve lop a n a l lergy for a l l a uthor ity a s a resu lt . H e may even try to a ppea r to be d i rty or d i sheveled to serve notice to the wor ld that a l l pa renta l tra ini ng in c l ea n l i ness has been s uccessfu l l y

92

re jected . The emanc ipation that shou ld be tak ing p l ace dur i ng th i s t i me invo lves " . . . emergence from parenta l supervis ion, re l i ance upon the secu rity that one ca n g ive h imse lf rather than u pon the secur ity provided by parents, development of an att itude toward parents as fr iends rather than as protectors a nd supervisors, p l ann i ng of one's own t ime and mak ing one's own dec i s ion w ithout over-bea r ing pa renta l controL" (d. Lue l l a Co le, The Psychology of Adolescent, 3 rd ed it ion , p . 7.)

The prob lem of the sexua l u rge i s a very rea l sou rce of confus ion to the adolescent. If he i s to lea rn the true re lat ionship between sex and love, it i s important that he fee l free to d i scuss these matters open ly and without shame with h i s parents. He must be hel ped to accept h i s new sexua l fee l i ngs as norma l , n atu ra l and good . He m ust a l so learn the wisdom of self-contro l . Sexua l i ndu lgence i s very common ly a s ign of regress ion to pr im it ive and i nfa nti le forms of sat i sfaction and g ratificat ion . To matu re in th i s matter of sexua l ity w i l l genera l l y br ing with it tota l matu rat ion; to fa i l to g row i n th i s a rea usua l ly cau ses fixations

9 3

or regress ion . Sexua l i nd u lgence does not afford a m uch needed fee l i ng of secur ity nor wi l l it satisfy affectiona l and emotiona l needs. I f, however, the affect iona l and emotiona l needs of adolescence are sati sfied i n contro l led re lationsh i ps with members of the opposite sex and with i n h is own fam i l y, the sexua l u rge wi l l be far easier for the adolescent to control. Masturbation and other efforts at sexua l se lf-g ratification a re usua l l y symptomatic of reta rdation or reg ress ion i n persona l development. Such i ndu lgence ed ucates the deepest neu ro-vegetative inst i ncts i n man to seek pr imar i ly persona l g ratification. Un less these i nsti ncts a re correct ly educated i n adolescence, there w i l l be a deep and permanent stam p of se lfish ness on the person at the i nsti nctua l leve l , and th i s w i l l be a ser ious, if not insuperable, obstacle to the abi l ity to love.

Positive vs Negative Reinforcements of the Wi l l

Sometimes we spea k of the w i l l as though it were a muscle, either strong or wea k. Th i s manner of spea k ing ca n easi l y obscu re a very important rea l ity about

94

human conduct. The wi l,! is not itse lf weak or strong i n us; It i

's rather our /motivation that i s weak .($'r;. strong. It i s also

"' - \

important to rea l ize fhf..(easons for good . conduct a re not the Sa'a$ motives. We

\ " . . might wel l enumerate rnany good. "e sons for doi ng th i s or that, but they re not motives un less they move us. The lat in word movere means "to move" and it i s th is word from which our word motive is derived .

Because , as we said i n the beg i nn ing , every person is un ique, it i s a l so true that what wi l l move one person might wel l leave another co ld . I f a good reason i s to become a motive for the wi l l , its goodness must be somehow exposed to the person in question . The i m position of authority cannot, i n itself, produce v i rtue; it may wel l produce conform ity, but conform ity i s not a lways v i rtue. V i rtue must come from with i n a person . It m ust be the product of an i nter ior act of the wi l l seek ing a good, and the w i l l responds only to motives whose good i s recogn ized .

Psycholog i sts, i n studying h uma n motivation, have found that positive re-

95

i nforcements of the w i l l (reward for good conduct) a re infin ite ly more effective than negative rei nforcements (pu n ish ments for bad conduct). To be constant ly cr it ica l of a young person is obvious ly a dangerous th i ng . It tends to u nderm i ne h is confidence and to make a l l authority obnoxious. However, if one ta kes the approach of posit ive rei nforcements, tend i ng to over look sma l l fa i l u res in cond uct but never fa i l i ng to recog n ize and reward (at least with a k ind word) the desi red conduct, the effect wi l l be a l most magica l . I t i s an i l l ustration of the power released i n the creat ion of a good selfimage: most people wi l l be in the i r conduct what we te l l them they a re.

If we bu i ld pedesta ls , you ng people wi l l c l imb up on them; if we keep our hands on the edge of the rug, a lways ready to pu l l i t out from under them, there ca n only be trouble ahead.

96

CAUTION

human beings

5 LEARNING TO LOVE The who le process of m atu ration de

pends on how we react to the d ifficu lt ies or cha l lenges of l ife. The im m atu re person sees o n l y the d iffic u l t ies : they a re so c l ose to h is near-sig hted eyes that h e ca n see o n l y the prob lems a n d pays very l itt l e atte ntion to h is own reaction w h ich is, in fact, the cr itica l and defi n itive th ing . D ifficu lt ies pass, but o u r react io n to them does not. As Wil l ia m J a mes has suggested , there m a y be a God in heave n who forg ives u s our s ins , but h u m a n n ature does not. They a re memorized in our m inds, m u sc les, fi bers, and brain-ce l l s . Each reactio n , mature o r im m atu re, l ingers on in us as the beg i n n ing of a h a bit. Repeated m atu re reactio ns tend to prod uce the formed h a b its of matu r ity w h ich define u s . Repeated im m atu re reactions d ig their own g rooves .

The C h r ist ia n m u st a l ways accept h imse l f in h is p resent, p i lgr im a n d hum a n cond itio n , w h ich w i l l inevita b l y invo l ve fa i l u re . I dea l s m u st a l ways be introd uced to the test of actu a l experie nce,

99

and i n th is i ntroduction our idea ls, wh ich very often sou nd beautif u l , become a st ruggle, a ren u nc iat ion , a batt le for contro l of self, a wi l l i ng ness to sta rt aga i n i n the wa ke of fa i l u res, a l uc id accepta nce of the mystery of the cross .

I t i s not the prob lem, and i n th is case not the i so lated failure that is cr i t ica l , defin it ive, and paramount. I t is our reaction to it. The react ion of the Chr i st i an must a lways be suffused with a confidence nour ished by the conviction that God and he a re a m a jor ity, even stronger tha n h i s own wea kness. The process of matu ration as a Ch r i st i an and as a human bei ng w i l l i nevitab ly be marked by fa i l u res, but the on ly rea l fa i l u re is to q u it. When the s ituation gets tough, the Chr i st i an m ust get tougher . He must become bigger than h i s problems. In the end , such determi nation to love wi l l br ing h i m to the feet of love itself, wh ich i s his eterna l v ictory in the victor ious Chr i st.

The Paradox of Love

A l l of us experience at some t ime or another a fee l i ng of lone l i ness and i so l at ion, a very pa i nfu l void i ns ide of our-

1 00

se l ves that becomes a n u n beara b l e prison. We h a ve a l l fe lt at som e time a l ie nated from others, sepa rated from the g roup, a lone a n d lone l y . By its very nature th is lone l iness . l ike a l l of ou r tooth aches, centers t h e focu s o f attention o n o u rse lves . We seek t o fi l l t h is void, t o satisfy t h i s h u nger . . . w e g o o u t t o fi n d oth ers who wi l l love u s .

W e may do th ings for t h e m i n a n obvio u s atte m pt to g a in their love. We may come to them w ith h a n d s stretched out l ike pa n-sca les . O n the one h a nd is our don ation to them, the other h a nd being exte nded to receive their donation to us. We may even be d ece ived into th inking that th is is loving .

We know that ou r lone l iness can be fi l led o n l y by the love of oth ers . We know that we m u st fee l loved . The paradox is th is : if we see k to fi l l the void of o u r own lone l iness in seeking love from others, we wi l l inevita b l y fi n d no consol ation but o n l y a deeper desolat io n . I t i s true that "Yo u're Nobody T i l l Somebody Loves Yo u . " O n l y the person who h a s exper ienced love i s ca pab le o f g rowing . I t is a frig hten ing but true rea l ity of hu-

101

.94t' ;: fl,pf C,(j41/

4,""tu.; 'n , In. . 1' . .5//h,ttl.w" ' t t.tr ()'ldM ,,' $6WrEJ ' " rnly i to S hM suf' i

I I I I I

I

I I I

I I

I I I

I

man l ife that, by loving me or refus i ng to love me, others ho ld the potenti a l of my matu r ity i n the i r hands. Most of us , dr iven by our own ach i ng needs and vo ids, add ress l ife and other peop le in the sta nce of seekers. We become what C . S. lewis, i n h i s book, The Four Loves, ca l l s " . . . those pathetic people who s imp ly want fr iends and ca n never make any . The very cond it ion of hav ing fr iends i s that we shou ld want someth ing e l se bes ides f r iends ." Most of us know our need to be loved and try to seek the love that we need from others . But the pa radox rema ins u ncom prom ised; if we seek the love wh ich we need, we w i l l never find it. We a re lost.

love can effect the so l ut ion of ou r problems, but we must face the fact that to be loved, we m ust become loveab le . When a person or ients h i s l ife towards the satisfaction of h i s own needs, when he goes out to seek the love wh ich he needs, no matter how we try to soften our judgments of h im , he i s se lf-centered . He i s not loveable, even if he does deserve our compass ion . He is concentrati ng on h imse lf, and as long as he cont in ues to concentrate on h imse lf, h i s

1 04

abi l ity to love wi l l a lways rema in stu nted and he wi l l h imself rema in a peren n i a l i nfa nt.

I f, however, a person seeks not to receive love, but rather to g i ve it, he w i l l become loveable a n d h e w i l l most certa i n l y be loved i n the end. Th i s i s the imm utab le law u nder wh ich we l i ve: concern for ourse lf and convergence u pon se lf ca n on ly isolate self and i nd uce an even deeper a nd more torturou s lone l iness. It i s a v ic ious and terr ib le cyc le that c loses i n on us when lone l i ness, seek i ng to be rel ieved th rough the love of othe rs, on ly i ncreases.

The on ly way we can break th is cyc le formed by our l usti ng egos i s to stop being concerned with ourselves and to begin to be concerned with others. This, of cou rse, i s not easy. To re locate the focus of one's m i nd from se lf to others can, i n fact, mea n a l i fet ime of effort and wor k. It i s made more d ifficu lt because we m u st put others i n the forefront, i n p l ace of ou rse lves. We must learn to respond to the needs of others without seek ing the sati sfact ion of our own needs.

1 05

I n h i s book, Religion and Personality, psycholog i st-priest Ad r ian van Kaam i ns i sts that if anyone seeks h i s own happiness a nd f u lfi l l ment, he wi l l never find them; but adds that, if one does fi nd h i s own happi ness and fu lfi l l ment, it wi l l be because he has forgotten h imse lf to seek the happi ness and fu lfi l l ment of those a round h i m . The problem is that we are a l l c l utch ing to ou r own l ife-rafts . We are tem pted to fasc i nation with our own se lf-f u lfi l l ment and everyth i ng we do i s somehow designed to ach ieve our own safety and happ i ness . We can be se lfish i n very refi ned and subt le ways. Such preoccupation with se lf i s an abso l ute obstac le to human happi ness and fu lfi l lment, because human happi ness and f u lfil l ment can be atta i ned on ly through gen u i ne love. Each of us m u st make a basic decis ion about how we i ntend to spend our l i ves. If we decide to spend our l ives in the pursu i t of our own happi ness and f u lfi l l ment, we a re dest i ned to fa i l u re and deso lation . If we decide to spend ou r l i ves seek ing the f u lfi llment and happi ness of others, and th i s i s what i s i m p l ied i n love, we sha l l certa i n ly atta i n our own happi ness and f u lfi l l ment.

1 06

The person who wants on l y h i s own fu l fi l l ment, or who dec ides to love in order that he be fu lfi l led, wi l l find that h i s love i s in va in beca u se the focus rem a ins on h i m se l f . A person can g row on l y as m uch as h i s hor izon a l lows, and the pe rson who dec i des to love in order to be fu lfi l led and h a ppy w i l l be d i s a ppointed and w i l l not g row because the hor izon i s sti l l h i mse l f . Con seq uently, we ca nnot conceive of l ove in a ny way as a m e a n s of se lf-fu lfi l l ment, beca u se if we do we wi l l st i l l be with in the treacherous v ic ious c i rc le , trave l ing a lways from our own needs through oth ers and back i n to ou rse l ves . We cannot ever u se others as means . They m u st a l ways be the endobject of love . We w i l l atta in m atu r i ty on ly in proport ion to the s h ift i n g of the foc u s of o u r m inds away from o u rse l ves and our own needs and away from the se l f-centered des i re to s a t i s f y t h o s e need s .

loving others c a n b e tru l y accomp l i sh ed on ly when the focu s of o u r m i nd s a n d t h e object o f o u r desi res i s a noth er, when a l l of our act iv i ty res u lts from concern for anothe r and not f rom conce rn for o u rse l ves . We h a ve sa i d that if a per-

1 07

son tru ly loves i n th i s way, he wi l l be loved and he shou ld accept the love of others . However the de lusion to be avoided at a l l costs i s to love i n order to receive th i s retu rn . I must, as Chr i st suggests, lose my l ife before I can ga in it . I must find out that the on ly rea l receivi ng i s i n g iv ing . I have to lose my l ife and I cannot lose it if I a lways have it c lea r ly before my own m ind .

I n other words, love means a concern for, acceptance of, and an i nterest in the others a round me whom I am tryi ng to love. It is a se lf-donation wh ich may prove to be an a lta r of sacr ifice . I can love others on ly to the extent they are tru ly the focus of my m ind, hea rt, and l ife; and I can find myself on ly by forgett ing myself . Love is i ndeed cost ly a nd demand ing . Because of the i nward pa ins that a l l of us bear, the sca r tissues that a re part of our human i nherita nce, because of the competit ion and example of a se lf-grasp ing wor ld , it w i l l be d ifficu lt for us to make the sacr ifice of ourselves that i s i nvo lved i n lov ing . Loving a lways means at least th i s sacrifice, the or ientation of my thoughts and desi res towards others and the abandonment of

1 08

my own se lf and self-i nterest. Need less to say, such aba ndonment a lways i nvo lves a h igh cost to self .

But if a l ife of love i s d ifficu l t, it i s not a b leak o r u n reward i ng l ife. I n fact, it is the on ly tru