Why a father can’t be more like a mother ---and why he shouldn’t be

Presentation

JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D.

Professor, Santa Clara UniversityLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos

Father of a daughter and a son“Semi-Retired soccer and little league coach

Origins

Scope

3 Variables

Fatherhood

Quantity of time with children

Don’t ever be a “Mister Mom”

Know your own father

QUANTITY OF TIME

Quality time grew out of the notion of quantity of time with children

Advantages of unstructured, “hanging-out” time with children

ESCHEW BEING A SUBSTITUTE MOTHER

If a child already has a perfectly good mother, there is no need for a less qualified person to be a mother substitute.

“Mister Mom” is insulting to women and demeaning to men

What the child needs is an equally good father

KNOW THY FATHER Who was your own father? What was his life like as a boy, a teen, a

new dad? What impact did your birth have on him? What is the legacy you carry from your

father? What you don’t know about your own

fathering, you will be destined to repeat or ignore?

Mothers and Fathers

areDIFFERENT

What Differences do You Experience?

What Differences do you see in others?

FATHERS PARENT FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN

MOTHERS PARENT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT

Mother’s unbreakable

emotional umbilical cord

HOLDING

When a woman picks up an infant she rolls the baby into her breasts

Providing comfort, warmth and security

When a man picks up a baby he hold the baby up, facing him or the world

providing a sense of freedom and a shared world

PLAYmom dad

Child directs the play Dad directs the play

builds a sense of teamwork, fitting into the larger world

builds child’s imagination, creativity and self esteem

DISCIPLINEMom Dad

Adjusted moment by moment to reflect child’s feelings and current state

stresses importance of feelings and temporary changes in situations. Allows for flexible limits

Determined by rules

Stresses importance of rules, social demands and sets firm limits supporting security

Sine Qua Non

A safer bet than the Rams in the Super Bowl

IAM

MALETherefore

I DO

NOTMULTI-TASK

The Corpus Callosum

dads have no invisible emotional umbilical cord

Serial problem solving

based on the life and death implications of hunting and war

The “why” is both genetic and environmental

Gender & Communication

men women Time limited Bottom line first One subject at a time Shoulder to shoulder Clear expectations Primarily informational

Relationship based Story first Many subjects interwoven Face-to-face Open expectations Primarily relational

For most menValentines Day

Is experienced as

National

Damage Control Day

What’s the topic?

Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?

IMPACT OF POOR FATHERING

FEARS OF ABANDONMENT SEARCH FOR A ROLE MODEL LACK OF A POSITIVE MODEL FOR

MALE INTIMACY LOWER SELF ESTEEM

SONS WITHOUT FATHERS

OVER-DEPENDENCE OR DISTANT/ FEARFUL OF INTIMACY

Look to women to define intimacy Withdrawal or aggression Gang membership

DAUGHTERS WITHOUT FATHERS

No experience of male intimacy less experience of external psychological

limits Expectations of female-like intimacy with

men Adult relationships with men who leave less competitive