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When the Tears Stop

By Jacobus Kotze

Copyright 2014 Jacobus Kotze

JKLS Edition

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License Notes

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reserved.

ISBN: 9781311201225

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“Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55

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TABLE of CONTENTS

Foreword

Chapter 1 BACKGROUND

Chapter 2 DEATH I KNOW YOU

Chapter 3 DEATH AND THE BIBLE

Chapter 4 DEATH AND SORCERY

Chapter 5 COPING WITH DEATH

Chapter 6 PRAYERS FOR THE GRIEVING

Chapter 7 NO EASY ANSWER

About the author

Contact Author online

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Foreword

We are all unique; but some are more unique than others. This certainly goes for

our (my husband Markus and myself’s) precious friend K and, as we would later

discover, Melissa.

Our friendship started in late 2008. We soon named him our “upstairs”

neighbour, although there was certainly nothing “upstairs” about him, except for

the fact that he lived in the apartment above us. He lived a simple life,

almost reclusive; apologised for only reading 1,000 books the previous year; and

never flaunting his superior intellect and education.

After his divorce, K was a mess. Then he met Melissa… She sounded too good to

be true…too much his soul mate to be believable. Then, she visited South Africa

and we had the pleasure of accompanying them to the Kruger National Park

where we witnessed them exchanging wedding vows before God, under the

African skies.

Melissa was everything and more! She equalled and complimented K’s brilliance,

intellect, love of reading. She told me how she just knew he was “the one” after

their first encounter, thousands of miles apart. He was her true soul mate.

Melissa’s severe illness and death is still unreal. I try to make sense of it. I do

know this: she touched so many lives. Even in death she touches lives; not only

through her own legacy, but through K’s books.

K’s cold and clinical description “Death I know” is typical of the K we know and

knew. His willingness to share his deepest emotions and vulnerabilities

surrounding his grief is the result of his deep relationship with God that has

developed over the past few years. It is also a testimony to the effect Melissa’s

love had and has on his life. I recently stumbled across K and Melissa’s wedding

candle holders and their remaining candle. When two souls wed there is only one

flame.

This honest booklet delves into the Word and Heart of God and gives hope to the

hurting, suffering, grieving and mourning.

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1 Thessalonica 4:13 “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be

uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the

rest of mankind who have no hope."

Dr Caren Yssel-Basson

MBChB, BSc (Hons) University of Pretoria

Roossenekal

South Africa

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Chapter 1

BACKGROUND

When the tears stop! Extraordinary name for a book I know and probably a

subject best not written about...the death of your spouse or husband and soul

mate, for those two always run together. Perhaps I should have called this book

"Will the tears stop?" which is a better description for how I feel right now. I

miss her every day, every hour, awake and asleep. Tears galore and pass the

sugar Honey, for I cannot help missing you this much. Part of my soul died with

you and I often wonder if the tears will ever stop. Time will tell and time heals

everything, or so I am told.

If you are wondering how you would cope with such things, you are reading the

right book. What goes through your mind? Is it possible to forget and carry on

like everyone expects you to do? Not to always wonder how it would have been

if things had worked out differently? Feeling so sad for the kids which will now

not be born and a life lost forever on earth. Wondering if the Bible really is true

and how soon you can die yourself to get to see her again. Without cheating like

suicide naturally for that would be almost guaranteed to prevent you from

getting to heaven.

* Suicide is never the answer - firstly more attempts fail than succeed and

besides that it causes even more pain and suffering. If you feel that way; get

professional help. It is not shameful to break under strain. Just ensure that the

treatment does not become a phase or a thing which rich people do. It must

actually help you or show positive results or is a scam. Only my opinion which is

not worth much.

The last few months I learned a lot about grieving. My wife and soul mate died,

or went to heaven if you wish to be nice about it, but the end result for us left on

earth is the same. She is not here to answer her phone or to write me an email

or to show me the love I grew accustomed to and will never be again. It has to

be said at the beginning of this booklet, that the passing of a soul mate changes

your life for good, if never for good.

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Coping with grief is not easy for anyone, let alone me who really grew up with

the stiff upper lip tradition. Ironically, death is not exactly unknown to me as we

will see in the next chapter. I learned of grieving very much against my will and

unexpectedly for who can possibly expect his wife to die when she is 41 years

old and fairly healthy & vibrant to begin with. It always happens to other

people...right? Never to you reading here and death is not as bad as

divorce...right? Nah, it is much worse than divorce says I who was divorced

when I met my wife. It sucks whether you believe in God or not. The sadness

never leaves though with time it gets better or so I am told. So this is what we

are talking about here - to prepare and to share grief so that you know what to

expect, though I hope you don't have to go through it any time soon. And if you

are, at least you will know what to expect and that you are never alone. It

happens to all of us at some time. Death is your constant companion whever you

want to know it or not.

Honestly, what can I say what has not been said before? There are so many

books written by highly educated psychologists and religious reverends who

should know more about this subject than me who is an ex-cop and lawyer, and

certainly not that in touch with my feelings. Perhaps I am writing this to seek

answers which I am not sure are available on earth. Deep down, I have to

wonder if this book is worth the price I paid for it and it is a book I never wanted

to write. Is it even possible to write about something you have no experience in?

Yes, happens all the time. But such a book will be of very little help to you, the

reader, for hear my words...unless you have experienced this you just have no

idea how tough it really is. This is what I found with most religious and

psychological books on death - very nice academically but lack a distinct

personal touch. I want to know that the author experienced it himself and not

read academic nonsense which is not going to help either me or you. Unless you

walked the Via Delarosa you do not understand grief and as horrible as it

sounds, I believe such people should be advised to keep their silly (well meant

no doubt) comments of support to themselves. We will deal with that later on.

Sufficient to say that their books proved to be of very little value to me but I

hope this one will be of more use to you.

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So I decided that writing about grief will be good for me and hopefully good for

you to read. You will also be well advised to read my book About Your Last Will

and Testament which explains the legal side of things. I am a cross-jurisdictional

legal expert so take my word, it does not matter where you are - the laws are

basically the same everywhere. That is, however, not a book in which we deal

with personal feelings, but straightforward answers to many questions like a

living will, dealing with the funeral arrangements, not trusting your worst enemy

(banksters) with your late estate etc. It is important though, to have such

knowledge and will make it easier for you.

As with all my books and ramblings, I warn you that I am not the greatest

author by any means and you will probably find the odd grammar mistake. I

happen to be a native Afrikaans speaker writing in English to reach a wider

audience. For most of you it would have been of no use if not written in English

and I suppose we can blame my school teachers (why not - they were pathetic)

for my lack of spelling ability. Even the one book translated into Afrikaans (by

me, yours truly) received the old language Nazism treatment by the language

purists amongst us. Well they may be technically correct but bear with me, for

the message inside the books is usually of interest to the reader, or so I hope

anyway.

Melissa and I have to two friends who meant a lot to us and I thank them for

writing the foreword to this book. Markus & Caren, thank you. God bless. You

made our time in the Kruger very special indeed. It should be noted that Caren

served as her maid of honour during our wedding vows before God. I never

wanted anyone but Melissa and she always said she "recognised" me the

moment she saw me. And so it was.

Thank you to Jacs for reading the manuscript and correcting the obvious errors.

I am sure your hard work is appreciated by all who reads here.

All readers are welcome to contact me. Unless you are a ghastly long haired

liberal, or turn into one after meeting me, I usually answer all emails, for I care

about my readers. Your views are important to me.

I thank my late American Patriot for her love and patience and, above all,

scissors. Without her you would not be reading here for I would not have

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bothered to write anything. "Honey, I miss you terribly but life goes on and I am

doing my best here. At some stage and with God's permission I will join you and

‘we’ will be ‘us’ again. Is only a matter of time and I can hardly wait for that

day."

* I am very sad to say she died, age 41, on 21 May 2014 after a short

(unexpected) illness. I will always love and cherish her and we will meet in

heaven one day. God knows best. On request from many readers I wrote a short

Tribute to her which is available online at http://jacobuskotzebooks.weebly.com.

Do not read it unless willing to cry for it is very depressed reading. "Honey, I

miss you terribly but life goes on and I am doing my best here. At some stage

and with God's permission, I will join you in heaven and ‘we’ will be ‘us’ again. It

is only a matter of time and I can hardly wait."

If you feel the need to contribute because of this book, then please do so at any

US Veterans Society of your choice. It was a cause my late wife and I supported

during the years and I am sure your money will be well spent by them. All my

books are deliberately kept free of charge so that they can be read by those in

need.

Keep the faith,

K

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Chapter 2

DEATH I KNOW YOU

My first wife once said to me that I have an obsession with death. She was

wrong. I do not have an obsession with death but I certainly know a lot about

death, having seen it too many times during my six years in the South African

Police from the middle eighties onwards. That was the time when the internal

freedom struggle became out-and-out riots and urban terrorism with bombs

exploding and people dying by the thousands. Not always by police bullets

either, but most definitely because of an evil political system which started

before I was born. You soon got used to death and never desired to become

involved in the crying aspect of it. In fact, with the right kind of training it was

remarkably easy to distance yourself from it. We also got very cynical about

funerals which were undoubtedly thoroughly abused as propaganda platforms by

our enemies. I always felt God played no role there, but that might be a bit

harsh and for Him to decide.

I saw every type of violent death known to man, and a few you would probably

never thought possible, but this is Africa and not as civilised as where you may

be. We soon learned that a human's eyes will burst in the heat of a "necklace

murder" and stream down the victims burned cheeks like yellow egg yolk.

* A necklace murder is unique to South Africa. The victim is caught and his (or

her for women were also murdered) Achilles tendons hacked with a panga (a

large sword like blade normally used to chop sugar cane with) so he cannot

escape. Then an old car / truck tyre or two is placed over him pinning his arms

and the whole thing doused in petrol (gas) and lighted. Usually took a man

about 20 minutes to burn to death like that (if lucky) and we would find the body

in more than one piece. It is one of the worst deaths possible and sadly made a

comeback recently during Xenophobia attacks.

Yes, for many years I remembered the eye yolk running down the burned

cheeks when frying eggs, for it is a vision not easily forgotten. It also smelled

exactly like barbecue too, which was not good for us who traditionally have a

barbecue every Saturday night and whenever in between - if your wife allows it.

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We never barbecue patties by the way but only meat, fish (for the stranger ones

amongst us) and a sausage we call "wors."

The necklacing and many other murders & torture was all done in the name of

"freedom", which made us decide we don't care for that kind of freedom very

much. In this we were not alone. I recall the highly principled Bishop Desmond

Tutu intervening to stop a necklace and declaring afterwards that he would go

into exile if it did not stop (it did not but he stayed on anyway, much to our

regret). Say what you will of the Nobel Peace Laureate - he showed tremendous

guts, for that crowd could have turned on him and I guarantee you that we (the

police) would have taken our time to rescue him and not cried one bit if he died

before his time. Yeah we did not like the Arch Bishop much in those days but we

liked sneaking across the borders to kill what we saw as terrorists. Happened a

lot and fire was fought with fire as one of my critics once put it so elegantly. It

was a war zone in many ways and to survive you adapt very quickly.

* A reference to the reggae song "Gimme Hope Jo'anna" by Eddy Grant "Sneakin

across all the neighbours' borders... now and again having little fun."

Paradoxically the song was not banned and a forces favourite.

After I left the South African Police College (basic training was six months) I was

sent to a small town in the Eastern Cape called King William's Town where I

almost drowned in a church and arrested a Zombie once. In particular, I

remember two youngsters who picked up a hand grenade left by Transkei (a

supposedly independent homeland) Special Forces after attacking another

"independent homeland" called the Ciskei. It came out later that the whole

operation was part of a South African Army Intelligence plan, to what effect I

would not know. I almost died during it being at the wrong place at the wrong

time. Only the highly trained former Rhodesians sense of duty saved me that

day, but it is all in my first book. I am still grateful to have survived.

* See my book Mean Streets - Life in the Apartheid Police Volume Two.

Pulling the hand grenade pin was not the best of ideas and one boy lost a hand

and both their lives in the subsequent explosion...gave me a lot of respect for

hand grenades. So you learn the hard way to run for cover when hand grenades

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were thrown, which happened from time to time during those days. Usually we

then killed the thrower for his own good and in the name of the Apartheid State.

Then there were also Ciskei Special Forces lads who made a drop too many and

fell themselves to pieces on the ground and yes, that comical picture of a

character falling a hole in the ground is true. You could actually see the body

outline in the ground afterwards. Death must have been instantaneous though,

but I wondered who packed that parachute and who authorised the jump in high

winds.

Besides the political murders we also dealt daily with plain old fashioned

murders, of which there were thousands. The foul deeds committed mostly with

knives or fists (hands) during drunken brawls and sometimes with firearms of all

calibres. It never ceased to amaze me how much a body can bleed and how

slippery human blood is. You needed to be careful avoiding it - is difficult to

clean also unless you had Coca Cola handy. That product is excellent in washing

off human blood, in case you did not know it. Besides that, the detectives got

seriously obnoxious when their crime scene was contaminated by a wayward

constable walking where he "f know he should not f walk" in decent police speak.

You may have heard many bad things of the old South African Police Force but

even our enemies will tell you we were highly effective and not about to take cr-

p from any criminal or terrorist yet born. Those detectives got their man close to

90% of the time and let us not get into discussions on police brutality here - I

wrote about it in my first book Mean Streets - Life in the Apartheid Police too.

You also have to remember that it was a different time and place than now and

every story has two sides and the truth lies somewhere in between. It is a

subject for another day but it shows again the brutality of the mean streets and

how you change and become callous about death. It simply stops having much

meaning in a personal way or you will not survive. It is really that simple in

theory but not in practice. Though many turned to drink - I never did.

It was also enlightening to see first-hand the damage done by different firearm

calibres. We developed a great admiration for hollow point bullets. Man they

sure made a mess when exiting the body. Much better than the military issued

full metal jacket but then, the police were never subjected to the Genève

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Conventions anyway, unless under Army command outside the borders of South

Africa. So we became experts in using the correct ammunition for the job at

hand and loaded our magazines accordingly. We knew, for instance, what type

of bullet would penetrate a stolen car or what would be best for a nice double

tap in the chest of the suspect and acted accordingly. Survival is a serious

matter.

* The double tap method of shooting was first used by the British SAS Regiment

where they would shoot the terrorist twice in very rapid succession designed to

keep him down. In those days they used pistol calibre weapons when rescuing

hostages (like the excellent Heckler & Koch MP5) so the double tap was needed

not to be embarrassed by a wounded liar known as the victim of Army / Police

brutality in court. Very few survived a double tap which is the whole point of

using it with the correct ammunition. Where hostages are concerned the hostage

takes overriding importance above the hostage taker - see my briefing on

Hostage Survival in Africa if interested. The hostage taker is taken down and

usually kept down until he is no further threat to anyone - i.e. dead.

We learned this technique from the Rhodesians and applied it with great gusto

where police units killed 90% of all terrorists during the South African Border

War. Inside the country in counter terrorism operations (not the same as

counter insurgency - see my book The Egg Breakers - Counter Terrorism in Sub

Saharan Africa) the police killed 98% of all terrorists. Yeah we certainly knew

what we were doing and adapted that type of shooting to assault rifles also.

Unless fire suppression was needed, full automatic was never used. You would

also be surprised how accurate such shooting is and how we laughed at anything

else. Even today the double tap is the mark of a professional and we don't think

much of full auto without very good reason. Quite frankly we think anything else

shows a serious lack of training and professionalism.

We learned that Special Forces ammunition had a 93% chance of killing you

versus the 7% chance of normal military ammunition which tends to go straight

through you without causing enough damage for our purposes. So take a guess

what we used? As said, we were not bound by the Genève Conventions and in all

honesty, neither were the terrorists or criminals we were facing. So we did what

was necessary and really loved our notoriety in the liberal press. The lesson is

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never to attack the police for it is worse these days where they are trained to

aim for your head since you might be wearing body armour. That decreases your

odds of surviving a lot more than in my time. The specialist hollow points are

also more readily available than 25 years ago. So leave the police alone to do

their jobs is my advice.

I once visited a crime scene. The father killed his three kids first - shot them

dead in their sleep, which we all agreed was rather considerate of him. Then he

shot his wife, who must have been awake and finally himself in the bath of all

places. If I recall correctly, only parts of his head stuck out from the blood

around him and that started to smell of age. The mortuary men were not

pleased and I often pondered who tried to clean that mess afterwards, for there

was blood everywhere. And yes the murders did anger us for it is never

necessary to go that route but who am I to judge? I don't know what went

through his mind, but am glad the kids at least did not see it coming. From a

purely professional view it was a good job and you can learn a lot of what

happened by just looking at a crime scene. Those were the days before DNA, so

you took the time to look really hard and to remember. (There were police

photographers and other forensic experts which South Africa led the way in

many instances.)

And then the vehicle accidents we attended...numerous times we picked up

bodies next to the road and that confirmed another rumour for us. When a

pedestrian is hit at higher speeds he is thrown out of his shoes and clothing and

generally found naked. From time to time we had to wait for the fire brigade (fit

lads) to cut the bodies from the wrecks and or the Dog Unit (excellent lads

known to you as K9 Units) to help us find body parts before the stray dogs got

them first. Especially where a train won the encounter against a human (almost

always) the parts could be scattered around for miles as well as with bomb

explosions. Then even trees had to be scanned for body parts. Luckily the fire

brigade lads would wash the roads / tracks / scene clear of blood once the

detective agreed to it. That was not our problem but cleaning your uniform most

certainly was. Blood is also very corrosive on mortuary vehicles - many of which

I am convinced had evil spirits in them but that is also another story.

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You learned that a human head weighs close to 14 pounds and cannot be kicked

as accurately as a soccer ball to the mortuary vehicle, as it is not really all that

round to begin with. And since the hair is full of blood and sticky it is advised to

grab it by the mouth or nostrils where you can get a decent grip, if the jaw bone

is still attached. And God will not help you if the coroner finds out you mixed

different parts of different bodies together and he would know, for he had an

uncanny way of putting the pieces together again. He also became fatherly

obnoxious and full of uncalled for long haired liberal language (shocking for an

educated man) when you turned his mortuary fridges all the way down to

preserve the mutton you got from an overturned truck (lorry) next to the road.

Dinner for the next three weeks and thank you very much to the drunk driver

now in custody and awaiting trial. Turned out it is not healthy for the post

mortem tests if the bodies are frozen stiff. "They should be kept cold but not f

frozen lad and don't be like a f long haired liberal now. I want some of that f

mutton too since it is stored in my f freezer."

Well he was not quite correct to be honest. The mortuary belonged to the State

and the freezers were relative, meaning white folk had the nice ones you see on

television and black folk one large walk in type freezer where the bodies were

placed all over and in no particular order either. Yes, Apartheid was in the

mortuary too but to preserve the peace we gave him his mutton.

We buried our colleagues with full military honours as was their right. It was one

hell of a shock to your system when you realised your uniform will not stop a

bullet. (Body armour were totally unknown then and not issued to us or anyone

else who were not in Special Forces.) The first time you are in a shoot-out...well,

you are a bit surprised that someone who you don't know from Adam would try

to kill you for no good reason at all. That feeling lasts all but 100th of a second

and then your training takes over and you instinctively get to cover, use your

sights as your sergeant so patiently taught you with many kicks in the ribs, and

kill the wanker who obviously has no sense of decency in shooting at you. Don't

care what the reasons are - shooting at the police in those days almost always

had a very unhappy ending to the criminal or terrorist. They died and no-one

from our side shed a tear for them. That is the way it should be too - police

serve everyone and should not be shot at.

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Any untoward anger during the shoot-out...nah not at that stage. Later when

you defended yourself in court against idiotic criminal lawyers (all long hair

liberals I assure you) and started to feel the rope against your neck if you were

not believed, a lot of anger yes. Nightmares and flashbacks also never quite

went away for most of us, but we learned not to complain or talk about it and

just live with it. It is well-known that only long haired liberals complain about

such things and you would get no sympathy. A bottle is anyway better company

than any long haired psychologist would ever be.

* Despite the politically correct books written after 1994 (freedom for the so

called new South Africa) the criminal courts were not the South African Police

Force friend in any way shape or form. Many a policeman was hanged or sent to

prison for undoubtedly good legal reasons which sounded so proper during the

verdict proceedings. The thing is though...the Judge and the prosecutor were not

there to smell the dead or to make that unfortunate decision in the split second

it took. You can take my word that we would have killed a lot more than what

we did if we considered the courts to be on our side. They were not and that is

also a good thing.

Such books are not worth the paper they are written on and caused a lot of

cynical laughter from us who were actually there and have first-hand experience

of what you read of in the newspapers or these days on the internet. Of course,

we are not believed but that is also fine with me for we dealt with the subject in

more detail in my book Mean Streets - Life in the Apartheid Police. The politically

correct books are distorting history though but as we all know the spoils of war

go to the victors. They control history which is quite a feat.

Since I left the police in November 1991for university (College) I prayed to have

left death behind but as said it is your constant companion. Sometimes a client

would die or we would be assisting with the late estate or last will. Still, when

not personally involved it seldom bothers you that much. I mean when older

people die it is sort of expected and not the end of your own world. In any case

the Bible did say 74 years is about your time span here on earth and thereafter

you can consider yourself lucky to be around. Yeah right, as my late wife and

soul mate would have said. Fact is, death is your constant companion and you

only learn that lesson the hard way.

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As it happened Melissa got ill and was in and out of hospital for about year. I did

not expect her sister (a splendid woman) to ask me how I felt about switching

the machines off, since my wife and soul was not going to come out of ICU alive.

You can read about that in the Tribute I wrote to my wife soon after her death.

It was done on request of many readers who got to love her as "my American

Patriot" in previous books. I promise you; I will never read that booklet again for

as long as I live - it just hurts too much, but you probably need to if you wish to

understand how we got to this book. It is truly very sad reading.

I would think that after reading all the above (which were not meant to shock

you) that I know death as well as anyone else. I do not fear dead bodies either

and will not throw up or pass out during a post mortem (autopsy) since I learned

to switch off. However, when it is your soul mate, it is an entirely different story.

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Chapter 3

DEATH AND THE BIBLE

In 1 Corinthians 15:55 St Paul asks the rhetorical question we all have heard at

the end of a funeral where the coffin is lowered: "Where, O death, is your

victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" This is the most commonly used text at

funerals in the Western World and with all respect towards the conducting

reverend, that text means nothing to you when grieving. It is empty words.

Unquestionably, as a Believer, you already know that the soul cannot die. You

know you will (provided you love the Lord and live correctly and a lot of grace)

get to heaven at some stage to see your wife again. But it does not take away

all the pain of grieving or the loneliness...part of your soul is missing and that is

the whole point of this book. Words alone are not good enough even if well-

meant and true. You will need a lot more to get through this period in your life

and to understand you are neither the first nor the last that is in sorrow...

However, I found that understanding the process and knowing exactly what the

Lord taught us about death makes it easier to cope. Hence I identified six points

taken from the Bible which will discuss down below.

Now I read the Bible from the age of five when my mom taught me to read.

Since then I have read it many times and know it as well as anyone else, but I

do not claim to be a biblical scholar, my degrees are in law (boring for sane

people). Note also that as a Christian Believer I am not interested in what other

faiths have to say on the subject. Nor do I care to even talk to atheists about my

faith for reasons revealed below somewhere.

Keep in mind that a text must always be read in context and not stand alone, for

the meaning may then be obscured. I have no wish to lead you astray and pray

I don't. There are many more texts to quote besides these but I did not want to

confuse the issue or enter into debate about it. In many ways I am a simple man

- the Lord said it in His Word, I believe it and that is the end of the debate as far

as I am concerned.

Firstly, you have a soul and that soul cannot die unless it is God's will for it to

perish. This means you will not be able to escape God no matter where you run

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or hide - He will find you and you will answer for your sins. Your soul is not your

earthly body by the way, but you.

* Genesis 2:7 "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and

breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.”

* Ecclesiastes 12:7 "The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the

spirit returns to God who gave it.”

Note - some of the books I researched for this book (there are always a few

hundred pages behind any book I publish) differentiate between soul and spirit

and they have quite complicated formulas to explain the difference. I do not

wish to enter such a debate. For me the soul is you - what you are and what you

feel. Let us keep it simple and leave the academics to argue with each other. I

am neither interested, nor clever enough for it.

Secondly, death is not unimportant to God for it is written that the death of the

faithful is no small matter to Him. You also must get it that the deceased was

not necessarily a sinner of note or "deserved" to die. You can rest assured no-

one just "dies" without reason though you may think so from your limited view

on what just happened. And yes, it is frequently exceptionally unfair that good

people should die and bad people live a wasted life. Still, it stands to reason that

you have no right to blame God for calling his children home and if God wants to

give the sinner another chance it is His prerogative to do so. Make peace with

that, for you cannot judge God. Don't even try.

* Psalm 116:15 "The LORD cares deeply when his loved ones die." or in

another translation: "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful

servants."

* Psalm 30:9 "What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave? Can my dust

praise you? Can it tell of your faithfulness?

Thirdly, it is also known that God is able to resurrect the dead and in fact will

resurrect all the dead one day. We saw that with Lazarus and quite a few others

in the gospels that were dead and then became alive again. You will clearly note

that the Bible does not see death as something final - not even for non-believers

who will, after life on earth, spend eternity with satan and his closest mate

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mammon. (Yes I know satan should be spelled with a capital S but I have

refused to honour that creature with a capital S since I published my first book.

Not going to change now. Don't care about the language purists.)

* 1 Corinthians 15:42-44 "So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The

body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonour,

it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a

natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also

a spiritual body."

* 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant

about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.

We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring

with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."

Can you imagine how it would be if there was no hope...if life stopped at the last

breath and the soul disappeared into the yonder or wherever as atheist believes?

This is too silly for words and illustrated below:

John 5:28, 29 Do not marvel at this; for the hour is coming in which all who

are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth—those who have done good,

to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil, to the resurrection of

condemnation.”

Yeah, I don't want to be a person who believes in nothing. For them death really

means the end and an eternity of regret for a life wasted. I pity them up to a

point.

Fourthly, God is merciful but also true to Himself. You are warned and given

many chances in life to repent. If not, you will (not maybe) end up in hell.

Besides that, I deduct that it is better to be dead than living on an earth which is

not the way God created it. This earth sucks to be honest and I have a theory

that in the beginning a man could leave his father's house and become one with

his wife. Fascinatingly the word "wife" is sometimes translated as "helper" and in

those days a man could find a piece of land for himself and his family. By hard

work he could provide for his family which is why I believe the Word says that

"the lazy shall not eat." There are apparently no human rights and an attitude of

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entitlement in heaven - it is not only not needed but also unwanted. I dare say

that materialistic people will not like heaven much.

Unfortunately, as a legal scholar, I can tell you that there is no free land left on

earth available for distribution like that. You either inherit or buy or squat and

the law is quite clear what will happen if you get your piece of land illegally.

Hence the whole godly system is now subjected to the laws of mammon (the

god of money). See my book Your Worst Enemy on what banksters are doing to

your family every day. This is the root of all evil, but I may be wrong.

* 2 Corinthians 5:8 "We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away

from the body and at home with the Lord."

* Ecclesiastes 7:1 "A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of

death better than the day of birth."

Fifthly and this may be a revelation to you (was to me), but from reading the

Bible in this manner to seek answers I realised you do not go directly to heaven

upon death but only once Jesus returns and you are judged worthy. Nowhere in

the Bible did I read that you see a bright light and are taken to the pearly gates

immediately. This apparently happens only after Jesus resurrected you to be

judged and only then will you be in heaven and re-united with your loved ones

who are (hopefully) also there. Until such time, you are asleep and will not know

how much time passed before this happens. So it is no hardship to be dead,

initially that is.

* 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven

with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And

the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will

be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And

so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore, encourage each other with these

words."

* 1 Corinthians 15:50-57 "Now I say this, brethren, that flesh and blood

cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does the perishable inherit the

imperishable. Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be

changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the

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trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be

changed. For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must

put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable,

and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying

that is written, “Death is swallowed up in victory. “O death, where is your

victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power

of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our

Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable,

always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in

the Lord."

To me this particular text now has a much easier and better understanding or

comfort level than before since we get the whole text and not an isolated one.

We have an old farmer here in South Africa who teaches the gospel like no other

man I ever heard off called Angus Buchan. You may have read his many books

or heard of him and if not go to the link and give the man a chance to talk to

you. I assure it will be time well spent. The other day I got up early in the

morning to listen to him on television and he said that "the only thing you can

take with you to heaven is your family." Think about that for a second, for it

implies that you as man and head of your family should take a leadership role in

your house hold which of course includes praying. We speak of this in a previous

book called Better Men which I am surprised is downloading like you cannot

believe. Whilst Melissa was alive I would give feedback to her every Sunday

morning on what oom (uncle - Afrikaans word for a respected older man) Angus

had to say. And yes, he preaches in English so you would be able to follow him.

I take for granted that I will meet with Melissa after death and that is what is

keeping me smiling. I dream of that day. There is also quite a lot of good stuff

promised to those who believe in Jesus. Through God's grace we will receive a

new body which will not get ill and die on us as our earthly one did. We will live

in peace for a thousand years and then sort out satan and his mates once and

for all. We will not be hungry or unhappy in any way shape or form and there

will be no separations like oceans between us. Now this lack of separation in

heaven is a big deal for me who lived in South Africa and Melissa in Florida, USA.

(Note I do not attach any blame to the US immigration laws for our enforced

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separation but I do get upset with illegal immigrants who are not prosecuted and

deported because the long haired liberal politicians need a few votes. It is

madness to have laws which are not evenly applied and spell nothing good for

her tribe in the future.)

* Revelation 21:1-7 "Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth, for the first

heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I

saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God,

prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud

voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the

people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will

be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There

will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things

has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he

said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me:

“It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the

thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those

who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my

children."

Best of all, we will be in the presence of God in the New Jerusalem which

according to the measurements in the Bible would be a very big place indeed. It

is written that it is about 1,400 miles across with 200 feet wide walls in

terminology we understand. In fact, I am not aware of any city now or in history

ever that big.

Revelations 21:9-27 "One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of

the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the bride,

the wife of the Lamb.” And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great

and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven

from God. It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a

very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. It had a great, high wall with

twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the

names of the twelve tribes of Israel. There were three gates on the east, three

25

on the north, three on the south and three on the west. The wall of the city had

twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the

Lamb.

The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city,

its gates and its walls. The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was

wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia in

length, and as wide and high as it is long. The angel measured the wall using

human measurement, and it was 144 cubits thick. The wall was made of jasper,

and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls

were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was

jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx,

the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the

tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve

gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of

the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.

I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb

are its temple. The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for

the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. The nations will walk by

its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendour into it. On no day

will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. The glory and honor

of the nations will be brought into it. Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will

anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are

written in the Lamb’s book of life."

* John 14:1-3 “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also

in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have

told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you,

I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be

also.”

All in all, then it is something worthy to live for here on earth which brings me to

another point. You only have one life and it better be according to the faith. As

we below there are no second chances. You are not going to come back to earth

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in another life or as a pig or whatever. That is not according to the Christian

Faith.

* Luke 16:19 “Now there was a rich man, and he habitually dressed in purple

and fine linen, joyously living in splendour every day. “And a poor man named

Lazarus was laid at his gate, covered with sores, and longing to be fed with the

crumbs which were falling from the rich man’s table; besides, even the dogs

were coming and licking his sores. “Now the poor man died and was carried

away by the angels to Abraham’s bosom; and the rich man also died and was

buried. “In Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torment and saw Abraham far

away and Lazarus in his bosom. “And he cried out and said, ‘Father Abraham,

have mercy on me, and send Lazarus so that he may dip the tip of his finger in

water and cool off my tongue, for I am in agony in this flame.’

“But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that during your life you received your

good things, and likewise Lazarus bad things; but now he is being comforted

here, and you are in agony. ‘And besides all this, between us and you there is a

great chasm fixed, so that those who wish to come over from here to you will

not be able, and that none may cross over from there to us.’ “And he said,

‘Then I beg you, father, that you send him to my father’s house— for I have five

brothers—in order that he may warn them, so that they will not also come to

this place of torment.’ “But Abraham said, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets;

let them hear them.’ “But he said, ‘No, father Abraham, but if someone goes to

them from the dead, they will repent!’ “But he said to him, ‘If they do not listen

to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be persuaded even if someone rises

from the dead.’”

This is the reason why I am not all that bothered to argue with atheists and

other faiths about my own believe in God. They will not see, and do not want to

see, and as long as that is ongoing they have neither hope, nor do I have any

hope to convince them otherwise. It is that simple, once they wake up from the

self-imposed blindness we have a chance to save them and that is due to grace

only and not my arguments. Frankly I really don't give a (you know what) if you

saw the movie what happens to them. I only care for my own brethren. They are

nothing to me besides the common human decency you feel for the condemned.

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Sixth, from my research and what we read about Lazarus above, we know that

you would be able to remember your earthly life which is actually very logical if

you think about it. How else will you know who your family are? However, it will

not be the same as in husband and wife. That is also written about:

Matthew 22:23-30 "That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no

resurrection, came to him with a question. “Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us

that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow

and raise up offspring for him. Now there were seven brothers among us. The

first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his

brother. The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on

down to the seventh. Finally, the woman died. Now then, at the resurrection,

whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the

power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in

marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."

Hence I have to make peace that whilst still together we will not be "married" in

the sense of the word we mean on earth. That is also good for me - just to see

her and talk to her freely will be enough for me. After all we were one in spirit

and in body and though I don't quite understand this text enough to explain it I

can accept it. In my heart she will always be my wife and soul mate.

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Chapter 4

DEATH AND SORCERY

You know, this is not new and happens after every tragedy. Historically, just

after the First World War the famous performer known as Houdini started a

campaign (there is no other word) against mediums or sorcerers. He exposed

every single one as frauds and imposters and servers of mammon (the god of

money). It was and still is a scam they ran to "contact the dead soldiers" for a

small fee (hallo mammon) on behalf of the loved ones who remained behind.

And they are still with us...the other day I googled on the internet tens of

thousands of such advertisements without any problem at all. We live not in a

crazy world but also one which is full of sinners and in my view this is a pretty

serious sin. Stay away from such nonsense. There is no way a normal person

can call up the dead and getting involved in such things is against the will of

God. We need to be sure that we don't fall into the trap of seeking "spiritual"

help to contact the dead.

* Deuteronomy 18:10-12 "There shall not be found among you anyone who

makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, one who uses divination,

one who practices witchcraft, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one

who casts a spell, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. For

whoever does these things is detestable to the LORD; and because of these

detestable things the LORD your God will drive them out before you.…"

The "fire" refers to a tradition to throw a draped baby through the flames of a

fire as an offering the sun god...a big no no. We know from the Bible that King

Saul had the prophet Samuel awoken from his sleep via the services of a just

such a witch as described above. Samuel was not pleased and the whole idea of

doing so in the first place is against the Word of God. Let us see what we can

learn from this unhappy episode:

1 Samuel 28:7-15 "Then Saul said to his servants, "Seek for me a woman who

is a medium, that I may go to her and inquire of her." And his servants said to

him, "Behold, there is a woman who is a medium at En-dor." Then Saul

disguised himself by putting on other clothes, and went, he and two men with

29

him, and they came to the woman by night; and he said, "Conjure up for me,

please, and bring up for me whom I shall name to you."…

But the woman said to him, “Surely you know what Saul has done. He has cut

off the mediums and spiritists from the land. Why have you set a trap for my life

to bring about my death?” Saul swore to her by the Lord, “As surely as the Lord

lives, you will not be punished for this.”

Then the woman asked, “Whom shall I bring up for you?” “Bring up Samuel,” he

said. When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out at the top of her voice and

said to Saul, “Why have you deceived me? You are Saul!”

The king said to her, “Don’t be afraid. What do you see?” The woman said, “I

see a ghostly figure coming up out of the earth.” “What does he look like?” he

asked. “An old man wearing a robe is coming up,” she said. Then Saul knew it

was Samuel, and he bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the

ground.

Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?”

As we know, King Saul did not get the good news from Samuel he wanted to

hear and died soon after, exactly as the prophet predicted.

We also know that there are wandering spirits on earth who will attack you if not

carefully armed with faith. I have no idea where they come from or what their

problem is. However, I do know they are bad news and I have nothing to fear

from them because I am a Believer. The point is not to go this route - you are

playing with fire and opening yourself to them. The fact that God allowed

Samuel to be awoken is not to say you should now try it, no matter what your

reasons. It will not amuse God or the one woken up and I will never even try to

call Melissa in that way for I know her reaction will not be positive for me.

Knowing her she will very angry and feel betrayed that I could not wait long

enough to meet in heaven.

I want to share something though. Hours after Melissa died I had a dream in

which she explained to me what went wrong with her body and why God called

her home. It gave me much comfort and I often speak to her as it is my way of

healing or coping with her death. This does not mean I expect an answer but I

30

believe she is in my heart and there she will stay. So I can tell her what is

happening in my life and what is more, I have unlimited access to Jesus who can

relay whatever message I have for her. It makes me less lonely to talk to her

even though some might believe I am crazy. Shrug, I don't care what other say

or think of me to be honest.

I also saw her quite clearly the other day whilst listening to our wedding songs.

An experience which brought a lot of tears as you can well imagine and when I

looked up I saw her standing there, not as unbearably swollen as she was in ICU

but her usual beautiful self. I also heard her saying in my head "It is ok, K" and

that experience caused me to write this book for you. And yes I was wide

awake, not drunk (I never drink) and fully aware of my senses. Nor am I in the

habit of lying about such things. Even as I type here I can see her eyes, so

brightly green looking at me during that episode.

Of course I have no real explanation or any evidence of the above, except what I

am telling you here. There will be those who find this hilarious and good luck to

them too...I know what I saw and heard and thank our Lord for that privilege,

for I was very down that day. This makes it even more special to me.

This experience does not mean you now need to get a medium or whatever to

get the same results. Rather trust God to show you the magic of life after death.

Who knows what will happen and let me know for I would be glad for you if you

experience a similar event but do not force the issue.

We always had a very strong bond (some say extraordinary) in the sense that

we knew what the other wanted by just a look or sometimes instinct. This is not

abnormal - I read the other day of a man who was at work and had a vision of

his wife crying. This was long before the time of mobile telephones so he rushed

to her side and found out or rather confirmed his baby son died. How dit he

know that? It makes no sense and still, it happens every day all over the world.

Perhaps you who read here now had a similar experience.

Many times during our time together I would be typing a book or working at a

boring legal matter and look up and see Melissa sitting in the room smiling at

me. My emails to her are full of such encounters and I have no explanation for it

either. It just happened and keep in mind, there was an ocean called the Atlantic

31

between us most of the time. What is interesting to me about this is that I never

willed it to happen or tried in any way to do so - it just did.

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Chapter 5

COPING WITH DEATH

You know what was the biggest change in my life after Melissa died? I started to

pray in English and only English so she could follow me from my heart.

Ordinarily as a native Afrikaans speaker I find it hard to suddenly quote the Bible

in a different language - just did not come that naturally for I only recently

started to read the Bible in English after I met her. It is not the same as the

Afrikaans versions - well the contents are the same - but the names are

different. For instance, what you know as the book of "Acts" we call "Handelinge"

and the same for the gospel of "James (Jakobus)" and so it goes on and on. God

stays God though and so does Jesus.

As we near the end of this book I need to talk to you about the two things I see

most in those who are grieving - guilt and depression. You have to accept your

life is changed and will forever be changed and there is no easy way through

such changes. Grief comes and goes and the best example I have is to say you

swim in the sea. Hence you are always wet (the grief & sadness & loneliness is

always with you) and at times you see the waves coming and are able to ride it

out. Other times it gets you and you go under for a while and so it goes on and

on. The good news is you get used to it and will soon realise how precious life is

and how much you still need to do before going home.

I have no wish to stay on earth one second longer than what is needed or

wanted to complete what God wants me to do. That is my constant prayer -

"take me home Lord for I want to be with you and my wife." Does that make me

depressed? No, I believe depression is from satan and designed to keep you in

subjection. It is the same as fear which I also refuse to subject myself to. I am

not depressed and never blamed God for this. She is safer and better off with

him than with me. I accept this logic though it sucks and feels I could have done

a pretty good job for many decades to come if given a chance.

I also know from experience that that creature, satan, will take whatever is good

in your life and work you from behind until you know you are useless and not

about to ever smile again. When you stop dreaming of tomorrow you have lost

the battle of depression and you need to take a good look at your life. You will

33

do good to read my short booklet called Issues of Faith where we discuss faith in

more detail but I will quote just a paragraph to illustrate the point:

"When you feel down praise the Lord! I guarantee you the negative feelings will

go away. Now I believe and many educated men agrees that fear is from satan

and the opposite of faith. You cannot live life in fear of tomorrow and in fear of

what people say about you. That is satan's primarily weapon. As long as you

have fear in you God cannot work with you. It is as simple as that. Get rid of the

fear in whatever form or shape. It may be fear of losing your job or illness or for

a loved one. Whatever, get rid of it."

"How do you get rid of fear you ask? You start trusting in God and you pray

every time when fear approaches that it goes away. In fact, by praying here I

mean you order it in the name of God to take a hike and stay away. You have

that power so use it wisely.

Most people when they read this don't believe me and smile politely. For your

own sake, try it. Say to fear "You are not part of me and I will not tolerate you

in me. In the name of God, His Son and the Holy Ghost, I order you to go away

and stay away".

I expect to hear from you, as I did with many other Believers before you, an

email to say "K it worked!" And my reaction is always the same "praise the Lord

and be blessed!" The same may be used for whatever is negative in you like

depression. Yes, I know the long haired phycologists will now start shouting and

I do not deny genuine medical conditions."

* I have heard from you many times since it was published. Thank you.

And then there are many who feel guilty for many things. Perhaps they did not

act properly with the deceased - a reason to ensure you don't give offense

without reason and to live in peace. You really don't know what will happen in

the next day or even before you finished this book. Or, and this happens a lot,

there is a feeling of guilt for allowing the lifesaving machines to be switched off.

As a matter of fact, I did give permission to make an end to my soul mate's life

on earth when it became clear there was no chance of recovery. As wonderful as

she was and the advanced care she got in hospital no human being can live

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without working organs. It is that simple. Once every organ stops working it is

the end of your life on earth. Death is then inevitable.

The decision was easy to make but emphatically not lightly taken. It was by far

the worst day in my life and you can read about it in my Tribute to her for I will

not even open that book again. You can take for granted that 21 May 2014 is my

own day of infamy and I am not looking forward to it at all in the years to come.

Ironically it is also a good friend's birthday which shows you life goes on. What is

bad for you is good for someone else.

The decision would have been much worse if I did not know her views on this

subject. I urge you to read my book About your Last Will & Testament where we

talk about a "living will" and other practical / financial issues regarding late

estates. You must know what your soul mate wants. After death you cannot ask

her. It is too late and death comes at any time and is always unexpected even if

duly warned by the medical people. Do not wait but get this done right now. It is

not only the responsible thing to do, but an act of love. To die with dignity is a

basic human right which should not be denied. For myself - I said so numerous

times in my books and last will - switch off those machines and let me go to my

Lord in peace and with some dignity (I hope). We saw in a previous chapter that

much better things wait in eternity than to be kept artificially alive here on

earth. There is big a difference between "living" and "life" you know and it has

all to do with that word "dignity."

You ask if the decision affected me afterwards. Hell yes. Not a day has gone past

where I did not re-examine my decision again and again and again. And every

time I came to the conclusion it was correctly made and done. Keep in mind that

such a decision, by law, is not done by the family alone but ONLY on the advice

of experienced medical professionals who will not play around with it. It is really

not done lightly but it is the second last act of love you perform for your soul

mate. The last act of love is to remember her and keep her love in your heart.

To do that you need to live and actually enjoy your remaining years.

In regard to those horrible days I wish to thank my sister-in-law Jennifer for her

role in this. As it was she took most of the burden squarely on her shoulders. It

was in many ways easier for me being stuck in South Africa and not next to

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Melissa in Orlando, FL when it happened. On the other hand, I would have given

anything and everything to hold Melissa's hand. So yes I do feel sad and angry

for not being at her side. However, I know she understand and so does God - I

did whatever I could and more with the cards I was issued with. No man could

have done more and hence I do not feel guilty about that. I say again I do not

blame the US Emigration Services for this at all. It is the way the cookie

crumbles and dealt with in her Tribute.

Another thing which helped me a lot and is still helping was the massive

outpouring of prayers and love from both sides of the Atlantic & Pacific. As result

of my books I have readers all over the world and Melissa played her part in our

books. She read everything first and her satirical comments were often the

subject of much laughter for the reader who could in a way, experience her

brilliant sense of humour. I never knew though how treasured she was until I

started to get emails from my readers expressing their dismay, shock and

complete sympathy. Some went as far as to translate tributes to her from

Afrikaans & Portuguese & German to English so she could understand what they

were saying about her. This took me completely by surprise and still does. You

may be sure we are eternally grateful for that. It means a lot to us and I

diligently read it to her for days at a time.

Keeping busy is always a good idea and talking to people who actually

understands and support you is a big deal in healing. You have to carefully

balance this for you really need alone time also. It is a time for reflection and to

remember the good times and to honour her in your memories. To those who

took the time to speak to me (very patiently for I forbid everyone to call me) I

am grateful and I am sure God took note of your good deeds.

* The call embargo was for the simple reason that I could not speak without

choking of emotion and did not need that at that time. Just too hard and besides

I dislike telephones as a medium of non-essential & non-emergency

communication.

It is interesting that you don't always realise that God is with you at the time

and only when looking back you see that you were not alone. The days leading

up to 21 May and the days after were terrible. Just terrible and I am not sure I

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would be able to cope again with such anguish and hence will never allow myself

to be that close to a human being again. But looking back I can clearly see how

the Lord carried me minute by minute, day by day, until I could function more or

less normally. That took a month and was no easy road for the grief would come

and go like the waves I described earlier. You may walk into a shop and see a

woman with the same hairstyle and it just becomes too much to bear. Or you

may open your cupboard and find your mementoes & gifts gathered through the

years which will now never be given to her. As said, sometimes you are under

the water and at times riding it more easily. Those days also pass in the end

which is the only good thing to be said of them - they pass and can never come

back.

Don't blame God. Much to my own surprise I can in good conscience say I have

never blamed God for not granting me a miracle to have Melissa live without her

vital organs. I certainly prayed for a miracle and I believe many others also but

in His wisdom it did not happen and she went home. Why I would not know and

do not care. As a legal advisor I deal with facts and not with conjecture so it was

easy to accept she passed on. We will meet again and I will never stop loving

her even if it means I will be alone the rest of my life. For a man with my

personality that was an easy decision but God leads the way for me. I hardly

ever make a decision (business or personal) without listening to my conscience

or if you wish, the Holy Spirit, inside me and if I have any doubts I stop to think.

Now if you read my other books you would know that was not always the case.

Like any other young man, I fancied myself in most situations and saw my (you

know what) solidly a few times. However, that is how you learn and it is called

life or the school of hard knocks which is worth a lot more than a college /

university degree. You simply don't get such experiences in the class rooms.

I suppose it is a deeply unconscious decision to keep on swimming no matter

what for it is all about survival. Words have no real meaning and although

people mean well it is rather silly to say to a grieving widower that "all will be

well" or "it is not so bad" or whatever else is normally said at such times. Back

when I was at school a class mate died under the wheels of a taxi (a notorious

vehicle in Africa to be avoided when possible). That being my first funeral my

dad advised me to shut up, be quiet and shake hands where needed, hug where

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needed, and leave the parents alone to cope. He knew from experience that

each of us will react differently to grief because we need to reach deep inside to

find answers. And none of the bereaved is in the mood for frivolous talk during

such times. You may cause a life long feud by not showing proper respect.

To be frank it is physically impossible to talk anyway for you are struggling very

hard to breath at such times. Your chest contracts and you have to do all you

can not to sob uncontrollably. It is just not possible to answer questions even if

inclined to do so which you are not. I will again advise anyone to be very careful

in what you say to the widower / widow. It is not the time for jokes but at the

same time most certainly not the time to forget to show your compassion.

Complete silence or ignoring the bereaved is not good enough. Such action will

come back to haunt you for the rest of your life if not eternity.

I had "family & friends" who could not be bothered to say express any regret to

hear that my wife and soul mate passed on. Their attitude was "it is no concern

of us and we don't want to about hear it." Now hear my words today and forever

after: they are neither "friends nor family" of mine anymore and so it will be

until the day I die. It is a mortal insult which cannot be rectified, as the damage

is done, and no apology in the world is acceptable for such behaviour. The

reverse is also true and I wrote about it in my blog where I thanked everyone

for their kindness and respect they showed towards Melissa. That is important

from a human perspective and is part of the grieving process - to thank those

who stood by you. They will be rewarded one day and it shows to me how

important good manners are. Others are just passing objects of no use to you

during the times of darkness.

Probably the worst wave to hit you during grieving is anniversary dates. A man

like me remembers dates more than faces and I know every date of importance.

When we first met, first kissed, birthdays and in fact everything else or I have

almost total recall. Anniversaries are quite bad to go through but cannot be

helped. It is a matter of getting used to it. Remember the time together with

pleasure is the best advice and prayer also helps.

The silliest advice I ever received regarding anniversaries is to forget all about

her and whatever else went with her including phone numbers, emails and what

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have you. Obviously these advisors have no idea what soul mate love really is

and I pity them for that. There is no way I can cut my wife out of my life

completely and I have no intention to do so.

According to the clever educated ones you have to find closure. To find closure

means to forget your loved one and carry on with your life. To me that sounds

like betrayal and as a former veteran I rate loyalty extremely highly on my list of

good and decent behaviour. I suppose the answer is in between the two schools

of thought and that is to honour her without it becoming an obsession. How you

do that depends on your personality but I would say a complete collapse on your

side is not the answer. As bad as this sound, it is not the end of the whole world

(your own world yes) and you still need to pay bills and take care of your family.

You simply cannot afford to give up. Life goes on and you have no choice about

that either - the sun will rise again no matter what you feel about it.

I often listen to our songs and I speak to Melissa in my heart. That will never

change and sometimes I look at our mementoes to honour her and what we had

in life. Actually I am very grateful for our time together and think of with much

happiness for it was the best years in my life. I think it is wrong to cut your

loved one off completely but obviously once you are ready for a new relationship

(if ever) you cannot and should not constantly refer back to her / him. That

would be a relationship killer and a very clear sign that you are on the rebound.

Such a relationship will never work - see my book Better Men on relationships if

interested in the subject.

There is nothing stopping you from honouring your wife / husband in a lasting

and more physical way. For me, I honour her in every book I write and that will

never stop though her comments on my books obviously did. Besides that, I will

at some stage plant a tree which she loved looking at and is found only in South

Africa (as far as I know). Though that tree would mean nothing to anyone

else...it means the world to us, for I know, and she knows, for she is in my

heart. It is such small things which make life easier during tough times. She is

also on my mobile phone and I kept every email and picture we ever had (many

thousands). That is my most treasured possessions at the moment.

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* In this regard I need to mention her sister used Melissa's pot plants (from her

house) to build a garden for her at her own house. That is a wonderful gesture

of love which I think should be done by everyone reading here. My wife really

loved her plants and would spend hours showing me which is which and where

that one came from and this one needed protection against the sun etc.

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Chapter 6

PRAYERS FOR THE GRIEVING

When in doubt, pray. A police chaplain told me that long ago after an argument

which I cannot quite remember now. Of course the mean streets rules (which he

knew nothing about) were to shoot when in doubt and to ensure no witnesses

remained. Be that as it may, let us bow our heads and ask our Father for

assistance during the darkest of days:

The Bonhoeffer Prayer

O God, early in the morning I cry to you.

Help me to pray and to concentrate my thoughts on you:

I cannot do this alone.

In me there is darkness, but with you there is light;

I am lonely, but you do not leave me;

I am feeble in heart, but with you there is help;

I am restless, but with you there is peace.

In me there is bitterness, but with you there is patience;

I do not understand your ways, but you know the way for me…

Restore me to liberty, and enable me to live now,

that I may answer before you and before me.

Lord, whatever this day may bring,

Your name be praised.

(C) Dietrich Bonhoeffer 1945

Serenity Prayer

O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,

The courage to change what can be changed,

and the wisdom to know the one from the other

(C) Reinhold Niebuhr

A prayer:

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Lord, at the moment nothing seems to be able to help the loss I feel.

My heart is broken and my spirit mourns.

All I know is that Your grace is sufficient.

This day, this hour

Moment by moment

I choose to lean on You,

For when I am at my weakest Your strength is strongest.

I pour out my grief to You

And praise You that on one glorious day

When all suffering is extinguished and love has conquered

We shall walk together again.

(C) www.lords-prayer-words.com

The Prayer of Jabez

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel

“Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory!

Let your hand be with me,

and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.”

And God granted his request.

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Chapter 7

NO EASY ANSWER

Time heals everything they say and it is true. As I write this book it is about

three months after Melissa died. I have come a long way but also know I will

never be the same again. Nor do I desire to be the same - I have other priorities

now which I hope I will be able to keep.

Before I met Melissa, I had a lot of flashbacks to my police days and whilst

together that disappeared from my life. The nightmares are back now so I roll

the dice on dreams whenever I get to bed. I am not sure why the nightmares

came back - probably indicative of the amount of stress I went through but I am

confident it will go away again. Is a matter of praying and faith and so be it. I

can live with that too.

It is fascinating to me how grieving affects your body and mind which once again

shows there is no simple remedy to this. You have to dig down. Accept what you

cannot change as said in the serenity prayer and change what is possible.

Rebuild your life day by day and keep the faith and memories close to you.

It is no use to live in denial - it happened and you need to deal with it. I read of

people who would not touch any of the departed's belongings and kept the room

/ house as it was when she died. Hear my words when I say to you that such

concepts will only prolong your sadness. You need to carry on and if that means

getting rid of stuff you cannot possibly use, or for financial reasons, please do so

without feeling guilty. If it helps, explain in your thoughts to her why you are

doing it and what lead to that decision. After all your most precious memories is

in your heart, not in earthly goods. And if you inherited something, use it as

designed because it is no use to her anymore, and whilst using it, say a short

prayer of thanks for having her in your life for so many years. It was an honour

not to be repeated on earth.

Grieving is supposed to be a very private affair and it is. However, it also gave

me a lot of compassion for others who are suffering from loss. Yeah I know I

cannot possibly know how you feel and my words may sound empty but it is well

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meant. I know something of grief myself. Hence I close this book with a prayer

for you...taken from the Book of Psalms.

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

May he remember all your sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

May we shout for joy over your victory

and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

Now this I know:

The Lord gives victory to his anointed.

He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary

with the victorious power of his right hand.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

They are brought to their knees and fall,

but we rise up and stand firm.

Lord, give victory to the king!

Answer us when we call!

(Psalm 20)

God bless and remember that you have a standing invitation to cast your

burdens on Jesus who will not fail you. Besides that, you have His word that you

will never be tested more than your ability. And even better, death has no

victory, nor any lasting sting. This is not the end but the beginning. Yes, the

road is hard and the anguish is great, but, there is a lot of hope and reason to

smile again.

K

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About the Author

Koos Kotze is a former member of the South African Police Force. He served

between 1985 and 1991 primarily as a sergeant in the Pretoria Flying Squad.

After leaving the Police Force he obtained the law degrees B Iuris & LLB at the

University of the Free State (Bloemfontein, South Africa) and was a commercial

law attorney for eight years. During his police years he was awarded the South

African Police Medal for Combating Terrorism twice besides lesser awards. These

days he is the owner of JKLS Africa and Associates, a specialist legal consultancy

which specializes in hostage survival training and reducing legal risk in Sub

Saharan Africa. He wrote nine books on business, law, counter terrorism and

security issues. At times he is asked to participate on the Voice of America

regarding legal forensic matters. Koos is a widower and lives in Bloemfontein,

South Africa. The picture is of him and his late “American Patriot.”

Connect with the Author online

Email Koos at: koos.jklsafrica@outlook.com

Website: http://meanstreetsbooks.weebly.com/