How Cruse helps bereaved people

Cruse Bereavement Care is the leading national charity providing bereavement support services in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. We provide advice, information and supportto anyone who has been bereaved (children, young people and adults) whenever and however the death has occurred.

Cruse offers face-to-face, telephone, email and website support. We have a national helpline and local services throughout England, Wales and Northern Ireland. We also have a website and free-phone helpline specifically for children and young people. Our services are provided by trained volunteers and are confidential and free.

Somewhere to turnwhen someone dies

When a child dies

How we can support

Many of our families have found the support of people who are

prepared to listen to them going over the death time and time

again is invaluable. Some will find these people amongst their

own families and friends, others will prefer to seek help from

agencies, many use both. Try to be open minded to the various

types of support on offer.

We offer emotional support, help & information in a number of ways:

• Telephone helpline • Information

• Local support group meetings

Our aim is to provide a safe, confidential environment, in which

bereaved people can share their experiences and feelings thus

giving and gaining support from each other.

For more details on our local support groups please contact us.

It might help to share stories over the telephone with others who

have "been there" with the free Child Death Helpline

0800 282986. This is available for anyone affected by the death

of a child. It is staffed by volunteers all of whom

are bereaved parents.

Local contact detailsCruse Bereavement Care,

Bexley and BromleyQueen Mary’s Hospital,

‘B’ Block, Frognal Avenue,Sidcup DA14 6LT

Tel: 020 8 304 5245E-mail

bexleyandbromley@cruse.org.uk

You can find out more aboutCruse Bereavement Care and

it’s services online atwww.cruse.org.uk

Cruse National Helpline0844 477 9400

Cruse young people's website www.RD4U.org.uk

Cruse Young people's free-phone helpline 0808 808 1677

Other AgenciesThe Compassionate Friends

14 New King Street, Deptford, London SE8 3HS

National UK Helpline0845 123 2304www.tcf.org.uk

Email: info@tcf.org.uk

SamaritansNational Helpline:08457 90 90 90

www.samaritans.orgEmail: jo@samaritans.org

Child Bereavement UKClare Charity Centre

Wycombe Rd, Saunderton,Buckinghamshire, HP14 4BF

Support and Information:0800 02 888 40

www.childbereavementuk.orgEmail:

support@childbereavementuk.org

Registered charity: 208078A company limited by guarantee no 638709 (London)

Registered office: Unit 0.1 One Victoria Villas, Richmond, Surrey, TW9 2GWPatron: Her Majesty the Queen. Working towards equality and diversity.

Published November 2014

What might help

You should not feel you have to carry your burden of grief and overwhelming emotions alone. You can do things to help yourself:

Try to remember that people do want to helpThey just need to be shown how.

Look after yourselfTry to function and not to bite off more than you can chew, start with small essential everyday tasks if possible.

Be gentle on yourself Recognise there will be times where you will seem to go backwards. As time goes on, the setbacks will become fewer, but this does not happen overnight. You will not awaken one morning and miraculously be filled with the joy of life.

Talking to other people often helpsTalk to a close friend, a family member, your doctor, a faith leader, someone you trust and with whom you feel able to share your thoughts and feelings.

Talk to other parents who have been bereaved – many people find there is a level of understanding and acceptance that can only be found with another parent who’s child has died.

Talk to someone from a bereavement support organisation

“Family, friends and colleagues mostly do not know what to say, or how to treat you. Unless they have already faced the enormity and finality of death themselves, how can they possibly understand the breadth and depth of your needs? Listening is the greatest skill that I found was missing.”

How you might be feeling

Everyone is different and everyone grieves the death of a child

in their own way. That doesn’t make your response right or wrong.

Grief is made up of a surprising number of responses of varying

intensity. It is normal to shed a few tears, sob uncontrollably,

do neither, or anything in-between. There is no set formula and

no predictable timescale. Death brings with it shock, disbelief,

denial, confusion, helplessness - feeling as if in a dream.

The pain of facing reality can manifest itself in a number of ways:

Physical symptoms: disrupted sleeping patterns, loss of

appetite, extreme fatigue, emotional and physical exhaustion.

Separation anxiety: the deep yearning for the dead child,

the pain that feels as if the heart were indeed broken.

Conflicting emotions: anger and guilt.

The ‘if only’ syndrome: if only the illness had been diagnosed.

Relationships

Parents may change so much after the death of their child that to

each other they become unrecognisable as the people who met

and began a family life years before. They will need to discover

who they are all over again and both partners will need space and

time as they grieve for their child in their own way and on

different timescales.

“My wife would be crying when I left and still crying whenI came home – well, I was sad too but I still had a job

to do and I ended up becoming absorbed and gettingthrough the day one way or another.“

Marriages and partnerships may shake or crumble under the heavy weight of grief and loss but in time many will find a path forward. They can become stronger and life will mean something again. Others will be different. Some adults find the death of a child too painful to contemplate and cope by “switching off”.It can be hard if your partner appears unaffected or is behavingin what might come across as an insensitive orinappropriate way. It might help to rememberthey are still grieving, just doingit differently.

“Bereaved Parents come in all ages, it doesnot appear to make a difference whether

your child is three, thirteen or thirtyif they die. The emotion in each

of us is the same.”

The death of a child is widely held to be the most devastating experience

a parent can face. It represents the death of much unfulfilled potential.

The relationship between parent or carer and child is unique.

No-one expects their child to die before them. Most parents who

have suffered such a bereavement feel that it is against the natural

order of things and that they should not outlive their child.

The age of the child - pre-birth or adult – makes no difference

to the grieving parent or carer. When a child of any age dies,

parents and carers lose much more than a precious son or

daughter. Life as they knew it has been irreversibly changed.

They lose a future which included a child they nurtured, cared for,

loved and who has now been cruelly taken away from them.

With younger children the milestones are different from those

of a teenager, or a young adult, but the pain surrounding

shattered dreams is no less whatever the age.

The sense of despair can feel overwhelming.