what to do with the problems you cannot solve?
TRANSCRIPT
What To Do With The Problems You Cannot Solve?
ByMette Bruhn-Pedersen
SQA Days 20Minsk 24 Nov 2016
We Don’t Have Problems!
ChallengeOpportunity
Small bump in the road
Different way of doing
thingsJust haven’t found the
solution yet
Typical Characteristics
Testing - A Conflict Prone Business?
• Detail-oriented
• Devoted
• Perfectionist
• Responsible
• Want to do a good job
Normal Day at Work
• Tight deadlines
• Missing requirements
• Many defects
• Unrealistic expectations (test it all)
What Is a Conflict?
Do you have an example of a conflict?
Perceptions of Conflict
Lewis A. Coser (1971)
”A conflict is a battle about values or a demand for status, power or resources, in which the conflicting parties not only strive to get their wishes fulfilled but also to neutralise, damage or eliminate their rivals”
Sebastian Nybo (2009)
”A conflict reveals a difference in perception, from which there arises a tension that can either be used dynamically with the possibility to change opinions and perceptions or can lead to a destructive battle to force one position over the other.”
Dealing With Conflicts
ChangeChange
TransitionTransition
AcknowledgeAcknowledge
Acknowledge
• See the conflict before it is too late
• Realise how we interact
Recognizing Conflicts
Open HostilityAlmost don’t see the other as a person
Make negative hurtful remarks about the other party
You are either for me or against me
Goal in this phase is to ”hurt” the other party
Polarisation•Can hardly be in the same room together or perhaps workplace
•The fight can continue even though physically separated
•Can become physical
Personalisation
•See other party in a negative light
•Begin to blame the other party
•Begin to focus on personality not the problem
Problem Grows
•Old unresolved conflicts begin to resurface
•Snide (sarcastic) comments are exchanged
•Negative hurtful comments behind person’s back
Communication Deteriorates
•Interpret negatively what is being said
•Feel misunderstood
•Talk about the person rather than with them
Enemy ImageHave given up talking together
The original problem is forgotten and replaced by a black and white vision of the world
Energy is used on trying to get the other to apologise or surrender
Disagreement
•Focus on problem not personalitiess
•Problem is solved and relationships maintained or strengthened
•Willingness to listen and change point of view
The Conflict Escalator
Disagreement
Personalisation
Problem grows
Communication Deterioriates
Enemy Image
Open Hostility
Polarisation
Change
• Why am I reacting in this way?
• What can I do to change the situation?
Triune Brain
Reptilian BrainInstinct, survival, eating, aggression, dominance, reproducing....Responds by one of the 3-F’sFight, Flight or Freeze !
Mammalian BrainEmotions, parenting, mood, memory, “value judgements.”
Primate Brainlanguage, abstraction, planning, self-awareness, logical analysis
Emotional Hijacked
• You are not “yourself”
PresentPast Future
What Can I Do?
• Identity
• Beliefs & Values
• Capabilities
• Behaviour
• Environment
Butterfly picture taken by Uwe H. Friese Bremerhaven, Germany. Source: Wikimedia Commons
Transition
• The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another
• Turning conflict into collaboration
How To Start
• Meet, acknowledge and understand
• Look for and evaluate possible solutions
• Commit to solutions
• Maintain dialogue
• Look for ways to increase the collaboration
The Conflict Triangle
RescuerPersecutor
You are not good enoughYou can’t do it.You never do enoughIt’s your fault. You are to blame
You are not good enough. I am You can’t do it. I can.
I can’t do it, You can.I am not good enough, You are.It’s not my fault. Its the others.
I can’t do itI am not good enoughI always do it wrongI never do enough
You are not good enough. Good, so I am needed.
Now I can’t take care of myself.
Why do you do this to me?
If it wasn’t for you, my life would be
easier
(Fight) (Flight)
Victim (Freeze)
Collaboration
How to Deal with Difficult People?
• They are in the conflict triangle so.....
• They don’t know they are being difficult
• Maybe its me !
• They have a solution that works with their model of the world
• They are acting from fear at some level
• BUT you have to still deal with this so…….
Critical Success Factors
• Intention to collaborate – not to manipulate
• Be open for AN outcome – you may be surprised
• It takes two to tango – and two to collaborate
• Sometimes there are just difficult people – we have to give up on them .....
• Don’t give up on yourself – ACT!
Conflict Free World
Summary
• Conflicts are important sources of energy and inspiration
• Stop the Conflict Escalator
• ACT instead of react
