week 1: balance- what is the state of your marriage? signs of a healthy marriage- working towards a...

Week 1: Balance- What is the state of your marriage? Signs of a healthy marriage- Working towards a future together

Week 2: Aerobics- Doing the hard work of fighting… and staying married

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Week 4: Stretching- Growing (up) together- God in the middle of me- God in the middle of my marriage

Week 5: Review- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am

Week 1: Balance- Signs of a healthy marriage- Working towards a future together

Why Do People Get Married?No.10 Marriage Makes You Live LongerNo.9 Marriage Increases Your Earning PowerNo.8 Marriage Gives You A Platform To Build Your Bloodline No.7 Marriage Prevents You From Dying AloneNo.6 Marriage Makes You More AttractiveNo.5 Marriage Brings Financial BenefitsNo.4 Marriage Means More SexNo.3 Marriage Means Better SexNo.2 Married People Are HappierNo.1 Marriage Makes You A Better Man (“AskMen” Magazine)


Why Did We Get Married?


1. Purpose of Marriage (Covenant)A. Companionship (Functional Purpose)Gen. 2:18-25

”18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.”


1. Purpose of Marriage (Covenant)A. Companionship (Functional Purpose) I Cor.7:2 ”But since sexual immorality is occurring,

each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.”


1. Purpose of Marriage (Covenant)B. Sacred or Mysterious Significance

The second possibility for God’s purpose for marriage is one of sacrament...

• a visible sign of an inward grace, especiallyone of the solemn Christian rites considered to have been instituted by Jesus Christ to symbolize or confer grace;• something regarded as possessing a sacred or mysterious

significance;• a symbol or pledge


1. Purpose of Marriage (Covenant)B. Sacred or Mysterious SignificanceEph.5:25-33 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ

loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Eph%205:22-33&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29331a

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Eph%205:22-33&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29336b


1. Purpose of Marriage (Covenant)B. Sacred or Mysterious SignificanceGen. 2:24

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.



Mt.9:15 14 Then John’s disciples came and asked him, “How is it that we and the Pharisees fast often, but your disciples do not fast?” 15 Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast. 16 “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. 17 Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”



II Cor. 11:2 (Paul and the False Apostles)

1 I hope you will put up with me in a little foolishness. Yes, please put up with me! 2I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. 3 But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 4 For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the Spirit you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough


1. Purpose of Marriage (Covenant)C. Sanctification (Transformational Purpose)

To Make Us Holy, Not HappyGod's primary purpose for marriage is to use it to help shape us into the image of His Son.

Phil.2; Eph.5:15-33


Phil. 2:1-18 1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! 9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phil%202&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29398a

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phil%202&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29399b


(Con’t) 12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” [

c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=phil%202&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29407c


Eph. 5:15-3315 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b

] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=eph%205:15-33&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29331a

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=eph%205:15-33&version=NIV#fen-NIV-29336b


Thomas (“Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas) summarizes the foundation of his book:

“I guess what I’m after is a quieter fulfillment, a deeper sense of meaning, a fuller understanding of the purpose behind this intense, one-on-one, lifelong relationship. As a man who believes his primary meaning comes from his relationship with God, I want to explore how marriage can draw me closer to God…For the Christian, marriage is a penultimate (next to last) rather than an ultimate reality.” “Just as celibates use abstinence and religious hermits use isolation, so we can use marriage for the same purpose – to grow in our service, obedience, character, pursuit, and love of God.”


What Makes a Marriage “Fit”?How “fit” is your marriage?

2. Signs of Healthy Marriage (“17 Areas Scale” by Gottman)

A. Emotionally ConnectedB. Handling Outside Stresses EffectivelyC. Handling DisagreementsD. Experiencing Romance & PassionE. Satisfied Sex lifeF. Dealing With Important Events WellG. Handling Major Issues WellH. Handling Relatives Well


2. Signs of Healthy MarriageI. Resolve Disagreements WellJ. Basic Values & Goals in SynchK. Handling Very Hard Events WellL. Working as a TeamM. Coping Well with Issues of Power or InfluenceN. Handling Issues of Finances WellO. Having Fun TogetherP. Feeling Spiritually CloseQ. Attraction to Others or Jealousy Not a Problem


The Health & Intimacy of Your Marriage is Directly

Proportionate to your Personal Growth & Maturity as a Disciple

of Jesus Christ


3. Fixing Me Fixes Us: Growing A Strong & Healthy Marriage Begins With Growing A Strong & Healthy ME!

A. Concentrate More on Personal Growth than Marital Growth

2 Peter 3:18 (NIV)“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”Colossians 1:28-29 (NIV)“We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that

we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling

with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.”



B. Take “Ownership” of Me… What Does That Mean?• it says “that is mine, I am responsible for it”• it is what Jesus is calling us to in Lk. 6:42:

42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

• in order for us to take responsibility for our lives, we must own what is ours

• in order for us to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, & choices – we must first realize they are ours & no one else's



C. Stop Blaming You for “Us” … Stop Blaming• “If you would have only done ____, I would not have done

that”• “You always make me feel…”• “It’s your fault”• “you never listen to me”• “You”…. • Blaming Keeps You Stuck in These Ways…• You remain a martyr or victim• Leads to anger & resentment… adds to distance & pain

in the relationship• Blocks you from getting what you want & taking an

active role in the relationship


The Marriage Is No Better Than

The People In It


What Do You Need to Adjust in Your Marriage to Be Better “Fit”?


4a. Making Your Marriage Better Today:Instant Improvement: What Can You Do?

“The Magic Five” (John Gottman)

1. Partings2. Reunions3. Admiration/Appreciation4. Affection5. Weekly Date


4b. Making Your Marriage Better Today:Principles to a Better “Fit” Marriage

(Building Health Over Time)

• Principle 1: Enhance Your "Love Maps"

• Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

• Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

• Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

• Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

• Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

• Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

week 1: balance- what is the state of your marriage? signs of a healthy marriage- working towards a...

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