lisamerriam.comlisamerriam.com/.../03/merriam-portfolio_nsd_chapteron… · web viewthe next...

Godshall/NSD Chapter 1/Word Count: 6,340

Chapter One: My Word is My Bond; Commitment That Never Quits

Let’s Go

I trained my gun on the face of the Navy petty officer at the helm of our boat. He looked

down at that muzzle and then into my eyes. He knew I was committed: I meant what I said and

was prepared to act on it.

I was a young Navy SEAL on a 36 foot

long high-speed Naval Special Warfare boat just

off the coast of Beirut in 1983. The afternoon was

sunny and the sea was calm—that is if you didn’t

notice the .50 caliber bullets that splashed into the

water like rain around us.

We just had just gotten a radio call from

my platoon leader who was somewhere in that bombed out hellhole of a city: “SEAFOX, this is

Bad Karma. Request immediate extract. Over.”

Our Special Warfare Craft Light – SEAFOX Type shows its teeth off the coast of Beirut circa 1983. Photo: Author’s collection.


By the focused tone of his voice and the rapid crack of gunfire in the background in that

transmission, I knew Bad Karma was in big trouble and needed help. He didn’t have to ask me

twice.

“Jarvis, we gotta go,” I told the helmsman.

Instead of pushing the throttle to full ahead, Jarvis looked to the ground and mumbled

something about the situation being “too hot,” and that we were “going to die” if we went in

now. He didn’t move.

As Jarvis stood frozen with fear, I took action. I chambered a round in my black 9mm

Beretta and flicked off the safety with a loud clack. I leveled it at his face. My finger was firmly

on the trigger and I was more than ready to pull it.

“Let’s go,” I said again. “Now.”

Jarvis was scared of the Druze, Shiite, Sunni,

Maronites, Hezbollah and whatever the hell other

kinds of crazies were hiding behind every mortar-

scared wall in Beirut, but he was more scared of me.

The twin diesels of the SEAFOX growled and

the stern dug into the water as we sped toward the

gunfight.

Author Petty Officer Godshall (SEAL) on beach in Beirut, 1983. Photo: Author’s collection.


Where Is Luke?

Luke’s eyes were not on the ball. They were on the bleachers. The bleachers were empty.

I was the coach of my son’s baseball team and Luke

was a promising player whose natural talent for the

game was matched by his solid work ethic and focus.

The kid was my star hitter. But not today. Every time I

looked at him, Luke was scanning those bleachers,

watching the road, or just kicking at the dirt.

When practice ended, I asked him what was up. He

told me his dad had promised to come to practice then take him out to buy a new Z-core bat. The

other kids were all leaving under the protective arms of their parents. Luke’s dad was nowhere to

be seen.

I asked Luke to help me load the equipment in my trunk. We cleared the benches and

packed all the balls, bats, tees and practice nets, but no one came for Luke. I couldn’t leave him

there alone, so I offered to drive him home. I watched as he let himself into his empty house.

The next practice it was the same. I watched Luke’s joy and motivation grow dimmer and

dimmer. He tried to act like he was inwardly and outwardly intact, but I could see he was

hurting.

When game day came, everyone asked, “Where’s Luke?” He was nowhere to be seen.

Commitment Is the Foundation of Success for SEALs and Parents

Empty bleachers were a heartbreaker for my star hitter. Photo: Author’s collection


Commitment is one of the first things you learn on the SEAL teams. Without it, you can’t

even get through the first day of training. We are committed to each other, to our missions and to

our ethos. Commitment is so fundamental to us that we don’t hesitate, no matter how great the

challenge. SEALs are driven to protect one another and to ensure the success of every member of

the team. That is the same basic commitment we need as parents and as family leaders. On the

SEAL Teams, commitment saves lives. In families it makes lives.

What SEALs do is dangerous. We don’t roll into town in a battalion of tanks, but slip in

where we are least expected in small groups of twelve, four, sometimes just two men. We rely on

each other totally. We have no room for slackers. Commitment to the Team and the mission is

drilled into us from the very first minute we enter SEAL training and it never lets up—not even

after we leave the service. Once a Team guy, always a Team guy.

As a new dad, I didn’t have a clue how important my SEAL training was going to be. I

quickly realized the lessons I learned on the battlefield gave me—and my children—a

tremendous advantage. When I adapted the ideas from SEAL Team to home team, I saw the

same results: Strong bonds within our family and happy, confident children with a habit of

success—no matter how you define it. That was the beginning of parenting with the SEAL ideal.

I committed to “whatever it takes” to raise my children.

Parental commitment starts a chain reaction: Your thoughts become words. Your words

translate into actions. Your actions turn into habits. Your habits form your character. And your

character is your future. That was a powerful lesson for me as a SEAL and as a dad—and a

tremendous gift to my children.

SEAL candidates are volunteers who can quit at any time. Children, on the other hand,

can’t. They are stuck with us and we are stuck with them. Becoming a SEAL is hard. Most who


try, fail. But nearly anyone can be a parent. I hear many parents claim they are committed

because they really try to “take care of my kids,” or they make an effort to “always being there

when they need me.” That’s all good, but that is not commitment. Being an exceptional parent

takes exceptional commitment.

The Power of Commitment for SEALs and Parents

When we become SEALs, we adopt the SEAL Ethos, which is a mindset for action and a

promise we make to ourselves, to each other and to our country. It says, “I will never quit.” It

continues, “If knocked down, I will get back up every time. I will draw on every remaining

ounce of strength to protect my teammates and to accomplish our mission. I am never out of the

fight.” It concludes with the promise, “I will not fail.” That’s a pretty strong commitment. You

can read the whole Navy SEAL Ethos at the end of this chapter.

Commitment is a core SEAL value for three reasons:

1) Safety

2) Confidence

3) Success-Focus

Safety. On the first day of SEAL training, we were each assigned a “swim buddy.” We

must stay within six feet of that guy at all times. We were never alone, not even in the bathroom.

Safety drives this rule. If something happens, someone is always close by to help.

I learned to value the commitment with my swim buddy on a frigid morning in the

Pacific Ocean. We were on a diving operation using a dangerous re-breathing system called a

Draeger rig. It uses a CO2 absorbent canister to cleanse each breath and recirculate the oxygen


back to the diver. It emits no tell-tale bubbles--perfect for clandestine operations when we might

need to pass undetected by armed guards pacing the deck above us.

As we swam with our load of explosives, I felt dizzy and struggled to keep up with my

swim buddy. It wasn’t fear or anxiety that was making me feel woozy, it was something far

worse. The CO2 canister on my rig was malfunctioning. CO2 is a silent killer. The only clue I

was in trouble was it was getting harder and harder for me to breathe. Suddenly, my peripheral

vision closed in until I could see just a tunnel of light. At the last possible moment of

consciousness, I pulled on my buddy line.

The next thing I knew, we were on the surface and my swim buddy had already pulled

my mouthpiece out and torn off my face mask to see if I was okay. He inflated my life vest and

helped me swim to a nearby seawall. His commitment saved my life.

Your commitment as a parent is just as important to your children’s safety as my swim

buddy’s commitment to me was for mine. Commitment keeps our children physically and

emotionally safe. We’ve all heard stories of a parent’s momentary lapse of commitment that

leads to disaster. A busy dad leaves his child locked in a hot car while he runs errands. Parents

let their teen get in a friend’s car to drive to the game—all the other parents think it is okay—and

it ends in a drunken crash. A mom let’s her daughter have a Facebook account, only to find she

has shared highly inappropriate pictures with her friends that ended up being spread around the

whole high school.

Confidence. Safety is about physical security. Confidence is about internal security.

Commitment is equally important to both. In the entire 50-year history of the SEAL teams, not a

single SEAL has ever been left behind, dead or alive. In our extreme profession, knowing that


your teammates would die for you gives you the confidence you need in dangerous situations

that would make the average person run for the hills.

I learned the importance of confidence in the worst possible place: Beirut. In a textbook

example of irony, our mission was what politicians called a “show of presence.” The idea was

that the various Beirut bad guys would be awed by the sight of American soldiers on patrol and

that would keep a lid on lawlessness in the streets.

Honestly, all of us thought the patrol was pretty

stupid, but the mission was the mission and we had to do

it. Behind every corner and in the shadow of every

broken window—I never saw a window that wasn’t

broken the whole time I was in Beirut—was danger. The

streets were deserted. Heat rose from the dusty concrete

to make objects a block away look as if they floated on

water. The atmosphere made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Our every sense needed

to be on high alert and our concentration complete. Except it wasn’t. Because of a SEAL we

nicknamed Mr. Whiney.

We dashed down the street, strategically spaced out like a giant slinky so that we could

always provide cover for one another and present an unpredictable moving target to the enemy.

Mr. Whiney refused to take point and kept trying to hide behind our biggest guy, causing us to

halt and bunch up time and time again. Instead of holding his gun ready, he pointed it skyward

and clutched it like a cross. If we took fire, he would have been dead before he could even aim.

Worst of all, he kept up a constant whine of complaints and forecasts of doom. What we were

Parachutist’s view of one of the neighborhoods we regularly patrolledthat we called Khomeiniville. Photo: Courtesy Chuck Pfarrer


doing was idiotic and dangerous, a situation made worse by having to listen to this whining fool

that we were going to die a pointless death.

Mr. Whiney was like a cancer on the team, a cancer that attacked our confidence in a way

that was downright dangerous. We were relieved to make it back to the security of our bunker,

not because we had avoided the crosshairs of snipers, but because we could finally get away

from the confidence killing Mr. Whiney. His commitment was to his own survival; he clearly

thought nothing of our team.

Our children need our commitment to instill self-confidence. That commitment has to be

more than just driving the child to baseball practice. It means getting out there to throw pitches in

the backyard and build up his self-assurance. Children are not born confident. We have to teach

them the process, work with them, and spend time and effort to enable them to succeed. We have

to be their confidence for them first, before it can take root in their own minds.

Success Focus. Total concentration on

completing a task is the third reason why SEALs

value commitment. The slightest hesitation can be

deadly. We learn early on to focus on the success of

action, not the consequences of failure.

Surf passage is one of the legendary elements

of our training. SEAL wannabes are organized into

boat crews of about a dozen guys per rubber IBS,

inflatable boat small. Their mission is to paddle that

sucker through the towering waves of the Pacific out to a rendezvous point, then turn around and

A Navy SEAL boat crew wiping out in a small wave. Photo:____


head back to the beach. Climbing the face of a fifteen foot wave is a merciless place to hesitate.

The ocean will punish you if you haven’t totally committed to success.

I was on the bow calling the strokes, telling my team when to hold water and when to dig

when a monster wave reared up ahead of us. As a life-long surfer, I knew we could make it over.

I also knew what would happen if we didn’t. We had to put our backs in it and totally commit to

getting over the lip of that wave or the water would crush on top of us with almost 600 pounds of

pressure per foot. I can tell you, it hurts.

When you think of the consequences of failure, you focus on the potential for disaster,

not the motivation to succeed. That fuels fear which makes it hard to perform and impossible to

excel. SEALs operate in situations where fear can easily become overwhelming. Fear slows you

down. It can hurt you; even kill you. SEALs learn to take our minds off the consequences and

put our total focus on succeeding by any means possible.

Getting over that wave meant having every man commit every ounce of strength and

mind on paddling. As the wave welled up under us, it momentarily blotted out the sun. Time

stopped. Our breathing stopped. And unfortunately, two of our guys gulped and stopped

paddling. Those two missed strokes were all it took. It was over in seconds. I heard the crack of

the wave collapsing to my right, then a brief whoomp before my world turned green. I and the

rest of my boat crew were smashed under the wallop of that icy wall of water. The force of it

kept us under for what seemed like eternity before spitting us out in a chaos of white foam, hats,

and paddles and sent our boat zooming for shore without us. It was an exhausting effort to gather

it all together and paddle back out for more. It was humbling to say the least.

As parents, we can quickly find ourselves tossed around in the seas of our busy lives. We

race through our days, taking care what is urgent instead of what is important. With all the


pressures and distractions of life today, it is easy to end up adrift. Success-focus means setting

specific goals and putting effort into the steps it takes to achieve them. Like a boat crew in SEAL

training trying to make it through surf passage, your family has to dig in and focus on making its

goals as a group and as individuals. If you hesitate to do the right thing for your children, you

lose and they lose. Getting through the rough seas of parenting, you must be one hundred percent

committed.

Defining Commitment

Commitment takes more than good intentions. It takes motivation, dedication and putting

courage in motion. Commitment is a process, not a promise.

Motivation. When I stood at attention in my new green fatigues in those first moments of

SEAL training, I looked around at the rest of the guys and wondered who was going to make it.

We had body builders, wrestlers, Olympic-caliber runners, men in top physical shape. In those

first grueling weeks, I discovered the most significant success factor was desire. Those of us who

succeeded were rarely the biggest, fastest, smartest or strongest, but simply the ones who wanted

it most. Motivation is the driving force of commitment. It compels and fuels our actions. It is the

why behind our commitment.

Dedication. Be clear about what you are committing to. What are your values? What are

your priorities? I knew I wanted to be a SEAL when I stepped onto the training base in

Coronado, but it took dedication to get there. It started with the end goal, but it took daily,

hourly, even moment-by-moment commitment to making it through. Sometimes on cold,

interminable runs, my dedication was to make it past the next boulder, or through the next set of


sit-ups in the wet surf and sometimes just one more step. Dedication is the deliberate act of

setting your purpose. It is the what behind our commitment.

Action. It’s not enough to know what you want and hope to achieve it. You have to

follow through. Commitment is fulfilled through action. It’s the old adage: “You’ve got to play

to win.” We all know people with grandiose plans, but they never take action. These dreamers

are simply not committed. Commitment requires doing or you are just talking. Action is the how

of commitment.

When Commitment Lags

We all would like to think we are 100% committed to our children 100% of the time.

That is not reality.

Indulgence. Some parents may not know what commitment really is. The mother of one

of the kids I was mentoring told me she was frustrated her son did not appreciate what she was

doing for him. She drove him to football practice, bought him clothes, cleaned his room, cooked

his dinner, and on and on. She was frustrated, exhausted and ready to give up. What she

described was a Sherpa or a butler. She was a martyr, not a mother. In all the running around and

doing things for her son, she never had time to do things with her son. This mother confused

service with commitment. Her relationship was a transaction and she expected something in

return. You should be willing to sacrifice everything for your children, but you shouldn’t do

everything for them. As SEALs, we are rarely indulged. We pack our own parachutes and mop

our own floors. If we were surrounded by an entourage of service providers, we would never be

as tough as we needed to be.


Frustration. I’ve heard some parents throw up their hands in frustration and ask: “Why

bother?” A friend of mine went through a tough divorce. His ex-wife told his two daughters bad

things about him. The girls were rude to him during their visits, told him they didn’t want him

coming to their dance recitals, and complained about having to spend time with him. He loved

his daughters, but their mother’s alienation campaign was working. He didn’t enjoy time with

them. He didn’t want to fight fire with fire with his ex, which would put them in the middle. He

didn’t know what to do. He told me that maybe it would be better for them if he just faded out of

their lives. SEALs avoid frustration by focusing on the potential and positive long term effects.

We learn to focus on the larger mission, rather than the small things (such as a man-o-war

tentacles wrapped around your neck).

Capitulation. Another dad I know became a slave to whining. He talked about instilling

his son with the values he grew up on, but the minute he met his son’s resistance, he backed

down. He told his teenage son he expected him to get a summer job. The kid just looked at him

and said, “You have to be out of your mind.” This dad shrugged when he told me the story and

said that kids these days just don’t have a work ethic. The fact that his son disrespected him

didn’t even seem to register with him. Despite this dad’s stated intention, he was not the least bit

committed to teaching values to his son. He easily gave in to the back talk. SEALs don’t give in.

No matter how often we fall down, no matter how tired we are, we get back up.

Living through your children. I had the opportunity to speak to a group of mothers of

high achieving children. During mix and mingle time, I listened as one of the mothers bragged

about her daughter’s musical achievements and spoke of her hopes that her daughter would earn

a scholarship at a prestigious music school. I had seen this child earlier in the day kick her violin

case when no one was looking. I wondered if that mother was putting her own ambitions ahead


of her child’s wants. The mother was very, very committed to the idea of a musical prodigy, but

was she really committed to the hopes in dreams in her little girl’s heart? We see this

phenomenon with guys who fake being SEALs. They want to wear the trident, but don’t have the

commitment do what it takes to actually be a SEAL. They live their fantasies through us.

Fear of the responsibility. Fear of commitment is common and is expressed in a

wide variety of excuses. Parents will say things like, “Wow, this is a lot to take on…” or, “Those

are great ideas, but you don’t know my kid—they won’t work with him.” Another variation on

that theme is, “My kids are too old to change now.” These excuses are just cover for parents who

fear trying and failing, or who don’t want to make the effort to follow through consistently. It

can seem easier or safer to go with the flow and the status quo. The truth is that the easy way

becomes the hard way over time.

When commitment fades or if you find it lacking to begin with, it helps to think about

why it is happening and what you can do about it.

Lost motivation Re-examine your parenting goals and why they are important to you.

Focus on the long term benefits for you and your children. You have one

life, one legacy. As SEALs say, “we are never out of the fight,” and “suck

it up.” Rededicate and reinvigorate. Don’t quit on your children.

Lost energy Sometimes we must “quit” on something. Consider it a tactical retreat. I

am a divorced dad, and know full well the obstacles parents face. I

managed to stay the course despite the breakage of the family unit. If

something really isn’t working, pull back. If you are over-loaded, take

something of lesser importance off your plate. Recognize what your

children truly need because their entire future is at stake.


Wavering dedicationFailure to follow through may mean you’ve got good intentions, but not a

good plan. Without a plan, dedication can turn into excuses overnight.

Take the time to lay out a practical plan that you truly can follow.

Inaction When we are overloaded and under-appreciated, time pressures can lead to

procrastination and excuses. Change “I can’t” to “How can I?” Children

grow up shockingly fast. Every minute wasted is a lost opportunity. You

haven’t got time for inaction.

Back to Beirut

SEALs don’t have time for inaction either. When I pointed my gun at Jarvis off the coast

of Beirut and forced him to rescue my platoon, I was showing my very motivated, dedicated, and

active commitment.

The truth is I hadn’t wanted to be on the SEAFOX at all. When my platoon leader told

me I would be left behind while the rest of the guys went into the city, I was angry. I was a tip-

of-the-spear kind of guy, not some support puke who waited while others acted. I felt demoted.

While I expressed my unhappiness to my platoon leader, I didn’t argue. I trusted my officer’s

leadership.

It was a good thing. With Jarvis hunched behind the wheel and the rest of the crew on

their knees behind the cockpit, we raced at full speed to the seawall extraction point. The .50

caliber drizzle we had experienced off shore became a downpour of bullets and ballistics of all

types and sizes. Yet somehow, we had avoided taking a hit.


A few feet from the pre-designated seawall extraction point, we reversed throttle turning

sideways.

The squad we were rescuing didn’t waste a

second. Despite being shot at like ducks in an arcade,

they ran from the corner of the closest building across

the street to the seawall and leapt down into our boat, a

drop of some 8 feet. As the boat bumped against the

concrete wall, my teammates landed on the boat deck, one on top of one another like a stack of

pancakes. Jarvis revved those engines and we were out of there, going from neutral to warp

speed so fast our eyeballs hit the back of our skulls. We zigzagged away from the extraction

point, dodging that rain of bullets all the way.

It was only when we were out of range that the pile of SEALS started to un-stack

themselves. They looked surprised to still be alive.

Back at our bunker encampment, my platoon leader asked what took so long for us to

come in. He said the squad was dumfounded when SEAFOX hadn’t moved after the radio call

for extraction. When I explained, he leaned on me and sighed and said, “Thanks Dave, I knew I

could count on you if things got hairy.”That’s why he had left me behind on that patrol. He knew

our platoon of SEALs had a “whatever it takes” commitment to one another.

Back to Baseball

When Luke missed that baseball game, it was the first of many steps to his sad life of

failure. This normal well-loved kid with an infectious smile lost the commitment of both parents

during a bitter divorce. His mother moved out of town and his father literally moved onto a bar

The road along the Corniche in Beirut offers no cover from snipers. Photo:Courtesy Chuck Pfarrer.


stool. Luke grew up alone, without a support system. He quit baseball. He started hanging out

with kids who had similar problems and vices. He skipped school to smoke pot as his grades

suffered. I saw him several years later. He still had the grin, but his eyes were empty. I found out

that a few months later, he was permanently disabled in a car crash in which alcohol had played

a role. Instead of commitment, instead of “whatever it takes,” his parents just said, “whatever.”

Luke’s story is an example of how the easy way becomes the hard way.

Things You Can Do: Establishing Personal and Family Commitment

SEALs are men of action. Not to say that analysis and planning are not important, but

that without action, it all comes to nothing. What follows are tools that help you define your

commitment and put it into action so you can get results.

Commitment is not a state of being, but a process. It is not a one-person project.

Commitment is about relationships. You can’t do it alone. Both mom and dad should work

together (I’m a divorced dad, so I know that isn’t always possible) with their children. Involving

every member of the family ensures that everyone is heard, included and obligated.

The steps of the family commitment process are:

1) Adopt a set of values. Earlier in this chapter, I spoke of the SEAL Ethos, which is

a statement of the ideals behind our promises. I explained this is the “why” behind

our commitment.

2) Identify what you are committed to doing. In the military planning world, this is

called a “Statement of Intent.” For our purposes, call it simply goal setting and

prioritizing. This is the “what” that is the basis of commitment.


3) Devise a course of action. Planning is the key to achieving any objective and is

absolutely critical to commitment. If you don’t have a plan, you are not

committed, just well-intentioned. This is the “how” part of commitment.

4) Work as a team. Commitment works both ways. Working together is the only way

for any individual to achieve excellence. Family meetings keep each individual

committed to one another.

5) Remain committed, no matter what transpires. SEAL’s know that tough times

reveal our true level of commitment.

Family Ethos

What values and ideals does your family hold dear? What do your family and every person in it

stand for? Legend has it that a bunch of Navy SEALs across all ranks locked themselves in a

conference room and spent several days writing the famous Navy SEAL Ethos.

Navy SEAL Ethos

In times of war or uncertainty there is a special breed of warrior ready to answer our

Nation’s call. A common man with uncommon desire to succeed. Forged by adversity, he stands

alongside America’s finest special operations forces to serve his country, the American people,

and protect their way of life. I am that man.

My Trident is a symbol of honor and heritage. Bestowed upon me by the heroes that have

gone before, it embodies the trust of those I have sworn to protect. By wearing the Trident I

accept the responsibility of my chosen profession and way of life. It is a privilege that I must

earn every day. My loyalty to Country and Team is beyond reproach. I humbly serve as a

guardian to my fellow Americans always ready to defend those who are unable to defend

themselves. I do not advertise the nature of my work, nor seek recognition for my actions. I


voluntarily accept the inherent hazards of my profession, placing the welfare and security of

others before my own. I serve with honor on and off the battlefield. The ability to control my

emotions and my actions, regardless of circumstance, sets me apart from other men.

Uncompromising integrity is my standard. My character and honor are steadfast. My word is my

bond.

We expect to lead and be led. In the absence of orders I will take charge, lead my

teammates and accomplish the mission. I lead by example in all situations. I will never quit. I

persevere and thrive on adversity. My Nation expects me to be physically harder and mentally

stronger than my enemies. If knocked down, I will get back up, every time. I will draw on every

remaining ounce of strength to protect my teammates and to accomplish our mission. I am never

out of the fight.

We demand discipline. We expect innovation. The lives of my teammates and the success

of our mission depend on me – my technical skill, tactical proficiency, and attention to detail. My

training is never complete. We train for war and fight to win. I stand ready to bring the full

spectrum of combat power to bear in order to achieve my mission and the goals established by

my country. The execution of my duties will be swift and violent when required yet guided by the

very principles that I serve to defend. Brave men have fought and died building the proud

tradition and feared reputation that I am bound to uphold. In the worst of conditions, the legacy

of my teammates steadies my resolve and silently guides my every deed. I will not fail.

I created a Godshall family Ethos with my two children quite some time ago. We have

tweaked it from time to time, but the core ideas have stayed with us. Here is our latest version:


When Lisa Merriam began helping me with this book, I asked her to sit down with her kids and

work out an Ethos that she and her kids could get behind. Their’s is still a work in progress, but you don’t

have to write something amazing. Just make it true to your family. Here is how the Merriam’s filled in

their work sheet:


Use this Family Ethos Worksheet as you meet together and hammer out the shared beliefs

and promises of your family.

Family Name: __________________________________

Date: _________________________________________

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Family Ethos WorksheetOur Shared Values


Statement of Intent

Every military action starts with a Statement of Intent. Behind that military jargon is the simple

idea that you need to be clear about what you want to do. What is your purpose and desired results? I

have adapted the military planning processes to those any family can use—no bureaucracy needed.

Because goal-setting should be a family project, with team members accountable to the others,

each person should fill out a worksheet for themselves and for other members of the family.

I have provided a specific number of ranked spaces. The reason is that having too many goals is

as bad as having none. You can only reasonably accomplish a limited number of objectives. It is also

important to know which goal is the most important so that you are clear on priorities.

I include an area where each family can sign the document. That formality signifies that each of

you is assuming a duty and taking on the responsibility to pursue these goals and help each other in

pursuing them.


Name: ___________________________________________

Date: ____________________________________________

Can be used for monthly, yearly, or long-term goals

My Goals (in order of importance)

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________________________

My Goals for Mother My Goals for Father My Goals for Sibling

1. __________________ 1. __________________ 1. __________________

2. __________________ 2. __________________ 2. __________________

3. __________________ 3. __________________ 3. __________________

Signatures_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Statement of IntentGoal Setting Worksheet


Course of Action

Before a SEAL takes the first step toward his objective, he develops a plan. Sometimes these

plans are complex, like the multi-month design behind the bin Laden raid. Other times, it’s a guy

scratching lines in the dust with his boot and whispering orders in the dark. Either way, planning

is the key to achieving any objective and is absolutely critical to commitment. We have all heard

people talk about what they hope to achieve. Those hopes will always stay dreams unless they

form a plan and follow it. You cannot have a commitment without a plan.

Write down your plan and priorities. Writing things down gives you:

1) Clarity on what you need to do and when.

2) Specifies your responsibilities and those of others.

3) Reminds you and others of where you are going and how you will get there.

The military bureaucracy has hundreds of processes for planning, but for our purposes, I

have adapted basics of a typical Course of Action or COA—the military loves acronyms—to

work as an easy template for your family.

The plan includes:

Steps you need to take to reach the goal

Help you need from others

Resources you have available

Obstacles you may encounter and pre-planned ways to deal with them

A date for coming back to the plan and making adjustments—every plan needs to

change once it is put in motion

Like the real world, always add signature to verify commitment


Name: ___________________________________________

Date: ____________________________________________

Goal: ____________________________________________

Essential Tasks (add more as needed—more detail is better)

1. ________________________________________________________ Date: _____________________

2. ________________________________________________________ Date: _____________________

3. ________________________________________________________ Date: _____________________

4. ________________________________________________________ Date: _____________________

5. ________________________________________________________ Date: _____________________

6. ________________________________________________________ Date: _____________________

Support Requirements (help needed from siblings, parents, coaches, friends, etc.)

1. _______________________________________________________ From: _____________________

2. _______________________________________________________ From: _____________________

3. _______________________________________________________ From: _____________________

Available Assets

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

________________________________________ ________________________________________

Course of ActionPlan to Achieve Goal


Risk Assessment and Abatement (What obstacles do you foresee, how might you address them)

Obstacle: _____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Mitigation: ___________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Obstacle: _____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Mitigation: ___________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Obstacle: _____________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Mitigation: ___________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Date to Re-Evaluate and Adjust Plan:

_______________________________________________________

Signatures (one for the planner and one for the witness)

________________________________________ ____________________________________


Family Meeting

Set aside time every week to formally meet as a family. Your first meeting will be to lay out your

values, goals and plans, but that is just the start. Commitment requires ongoing work within your family

team for a host of agenda items. Sometimes you will have planning meetings. Later, you will meet to

check progress—what we call a SITREP, or situational report. Other times you will review how things

went, a post-op debriefing.

Family meetings should foster a feeling of unity and a sense of individual self-worth. They keep

everyone on the same page and make sure perspectives are shared. Keep the tone positive. Don’t be too

rigid. Keep things moving, but casual, light, quick, easy, fun. Most especially avoid being dictatorial or

judgmental. Planning isn’t about laying down the law, but about figuring out how to achieve common and

individual goals. Debriefs are not about pointing fingers, but are about identifying what needs to be done

better and how to do it.

A big key to successful family meetings is participation. Meetings should be distraction free and

the family should not only give and receive updates, but should be given the opportunity make

suggestions while on the topic. Meetings should be relaxed and include camaraderie—ending with

something fun, like the making of a homemade pizza that has everyone’s favorite ingredients.

Agenda items might include:

Share good news!

Goals, priorities and responsibilities

Progress, lack of progress, roadblocks and solutions

Areas to improve and how

What needs to be changed or added

lisamerriam.comlisamerriam.com/.../03/merriam-portfolio_nsd_chapteron… · web viewthe next...

Documents