Hi. I am Charlie Frances Armstrong. You may not know me, not many people do. So, I will give you a little overview about me:

I am that girl who sits in the back of the class room because she does not want to be noticed. I am that girl that hates to draw attention to herself. I am that girl who like books and goes straight home after school. I am that girl who does not ask for much, but still has very few friends she can count on. I am that girl who is quiet, and invisible, but has this, horrid curse – that is beyond her control. You may be wondering what this horrible curse is that I have. The truth is, I am in love with a guy that has never noticed and will probably never notice me in the near future. It is horrible; it really is, but I cannot help it, and if I could, I would. But I cannot.

People say that falling in love is glorious and beautiful, and I do not doubt them, but if falling in love is not a mutual agreement between two people, it is not at all – in any way – glorious or beautiful. I do not even think it is good; because every day I suffer, and every night I think about him, just him, and I know that he is not and will not think of me any time soon. So here is my story. I do not think many people want to hear it, or that many people even care, but I will tell it anyways because I hope. Hope that one day someone will care; and someone will listen. And if you, the person who is reading this does care, and is listening; thank you.

So it all started in fifth grade, when boys were not icky, but cute.

I was a big nerd back then – well, I still am, but back then I was a HUGE nerd. Anyways, back to my point: I was a big, er... huge, nerd back then, I was excited for my first day of school, holding my copy of Number the Stars, our first reading book of the year, in one hand, and in the other, my bag of books and school supplies I had gotten that past week with my mom.

I walked into the class room with my short, straight, and brown hair separated into two ponytails. I was wearing my favorite yellow sun dress and a white headband. I was more than excited to be back at school, especially because I could then see my friend Adam on a daily basis.

I looked around the class room, searching for my best friend Adam, who told me he would be in the class room at exactly 8:30; and he was. Adam was the sort of person that was always on time, if not early. But I was the one that was sometimes on time, but mostly late. He was sitting on a desk in the front of the room, his bag of school supplies on the desk beside him; his legs dangling freely under the desk.

He was excited, and I was excited too. We made eye contact, and then looked to the wall, and headed that way. I had been waiting so long for this day, the day I became a fifth grader. It was awesome. At my school, fifth graders got lockers. Real, working lockers; we did not get cubbies, hooks, or shelves; we got a single locker, all to ourselves. This was one of the things I was most excited about.

Each locker had a number and a post-it note with a student’s name written on it. Mine was at the beginning, just like it always was, because my last name started with an “A”. Adam’s locker was right next to mine, because his last name was Artrice. That is how we became friends, all because of our last names. Names that were beyond our control, had brought out together. Because of our last names, we have been seated by each other in every class since Kindergarten.

I looked around the room, hoping not to see Anna Maria Goodwin. Anna Maria was the popular, pretty, perfect, evil, devilish girl in my grade. It is not like all of those movies and stories where we were best friends beforehand, and we all of a sudden became arch enemies. No, it is nothing like that. Anna Maria was just that girl that had control over everything, and she liked it that way. When things were out of hand, she would be the one to yell and scream at everyone; and that is just the way she was.

But I did not see him, I saw someone different. Someone I did not know, but wanted to the moment I laid eyes on him. He was the new kid. His name was Brody Gerfald, how cute is that?! Brody! Anyways, when I saw him it was all over. I could not think, or breathe, or do any of the normal things a fifth grade student should be able to do. He had messy, brown, curly hair and prefect, olive skin. His eyes were a deep bronze color that made me want to melt. He was tall and handsome, and I could not get over it all.

He came up to me, smiling, with a cute, handsome, toothy smile. I am pretty sure I smiled back, but I cannot be positive given the fact that I was not really aware of my surroundings or what I was doing at the moment since all I could see and hear was him.

“Hi, I am Brody.”

I smiled.

“Um. So I was wondering who you were.”

Adam elbowed me in the side.

“Oh, uh. Sorry.” I mumble, trying to laugh off my awkward, questionable wellbeing. “I am Charlie! Oh, and this is Adam.”

Adam smiled and said hi to Brody, trying to be nice to him.

“Hi Charlie, that is a funny name for a girl. Charlie. Cool. Well I am Brody, and I am new here. Do you know where my locker is?”

I pounced on the opportunity to get to know Brody and quickly reply yes. I begin by asking what his last name was; he told me it was Gerfald. Unfortunately I realized that because of his last name he would be nowhere near me in any of my classes. Worst of all, he would be seated by or near Anna Maria Goodwin in almost every class.

I tried not to let my smile fade, but it did not seem to work. Because before I know it Brody is asking what is wrong, and why I look so sad. I told him that I remembered I had left the gate open at my house, and that my dog could now easily run away. But that was a lie, I do not even have a dog; but it is not like I was going to tell him the truth any time soon

We were just approaching Brody’s locker when Anna Maria came into the room in a sparkly shirt and a denim skirt – that may not sound very cool right now, but it was so cool back in fifth grade, believe me. When Anna Maria came in, Brody acted differently, it was like me, but in a boy like way. Anna Maria was now walking toward us, and Brody was just staring at her, like she was some Greek god, or something. She smiled and walked past us to her locker. She pretended she did not notice Brody staring at her, and the attention she was getting; and Brody seemed to like that.

Anna Maria was the girl with pretty wavy hair, and I was the one with plain, flat, stick straight hair. Anna Maria had pretty, long blonde hair that always looked perfect, while my hair was awkwardly short and did not look perfect at all. She was the dumb girl, and I was the smart girl – but she seemed to be smarter with boys. For the most part, she seemed to be perfect and I was just, nothing. And because of her Brody stopped noticing me after that day.

And since then I have hated Anna Maria with an even deeper, darker passion. She had what I wanted, exactly what I wanted: Brody Gerfald’s attention. I never thought it was fair, because the truth is, it never was fair. I had a chance at first, I did. He had come up to me, and he had asked me where his locker, and he talked to me first. But none of that mattered to Anna Maria, because she had it all and she controlled everything.

The first trimester did not get much better from there. Because Brody was handsome and athletic, he easily became popular and had many friends around him at all times. Not only was he swarmed with friends, but he was always by and/or with Anna Maria. The worst part out that, was the fact that Anna Maria had found out that I had a crush on Brody, and she decided to take advantage of that at soon as she heard about my feeling for him.

This was the first time I had really fallen for a guy. And this was the first time my heart was broken over and over again as he never talked to me at school and fell for the person I hated most. It is not fun having a broken heart in fifth grade; in fact it is horrible. No one should go through that much pain at that age, but unfortunately, I can. Also, I was in fifth grade when this all started, and as a girl in fifth grade, I had enough things going on and to worry about.

Adam always tried to get me to forget about Brody, and my feeling for him; but his schemes never seemed to work. He did not understand how I felt, and how my feelings for Brody could not just eradicate, and dissolve in the wind. No. It was much more complicated than that.

I can barely look at him without thinking of all the “what if’s” and feeling all the pain and heartache he brings upon me with this curse, that many people choose to simple call a crush. Of course, adults would say that I was much too young to be in love, and even if that were true; what began as a “simple crush” in fifth grade evolved into this horrible curse that I do not believe I will ever be able to get out of. But I do not care what others say or believe, because I care simply about what I believe. And I believe that love is possible in the fifth grade, and I sure do love him now, in the 10th grade. But that is not the point. The point is my curse, and I think now you get a better grasp on it, so I will tell you a little more about why I cannot get out of it.

The worst part about my small town, and the public school system, is that you are with almost the exact same people until college comes around. I have been in the same school and classes as Brody since 5th grade, and I cannot get away from him. So even on the worst days where my heart physically hurts from his appearance, he is still there in the flesh, just so that I may suffer. I know that he does not mean to make me suffer, but it does not matter what his intentions are, because just by him being there physically is enough to hurt me in unfathomable and unimaginable ways.

Adam was sitting on the right side of me, admiring my little piece of plastic. “Charlie Frances Armstrong” It said, right up at the top of it. It was my license. I had been waiting for this day to come, and now it has. I had the freedom to drive without my mother or father, or any other licensed driver.

We sat there for a while, just looking at it, as if it were the holy reincarnation of Jesus or the missing episode of Spongebob Squarepants when we were seven. We could not seem to be able to think or see anything else for what seemed like hours, but ended up being only 10 minutes. It was like seeing Brody Gerfald for the first time again. I was speechless, and I could only concentrate on that.

After that we ran down the stairs, grabbed our coats and my car keys, and headed straight to the door. Me and Adam half ran and half skipped to my mom’s car, which was parked in the drive way just to the right of my front door. We got in and put on our seatbelts, cherishing the feeling of the black leather seats, turning on our seat warmers to high with no one to telling us not to. I then stared at the steering wheel; excited to start driving. Adam watched as I put the key into its place, then the engine began to sound.

“Wow.” Said Adam.

“I know.”

“It just seems so,” He seemed to be lost for words, “different. Like, a better kind of different.”

“I know.” I said through a smile. “Let us go!”

We were off. My house was now 50 feet behind us. It was great, like, really great. It was so liberating to drive without my mom yelling at me to slow down or speed up. I could do whatever, I was in control.

I rolled down my window, trying to recreate that scene in the movies where the person’s hair is blowing in the wind, and nothing could be better. But that was not the case. The wind blew my hair awkwardly to the side so that it was partially covering my face, and getting into my mouth every time I tried to talk. And the noise coming from outside was horrendous.

I closed the window and opted for the radio as another way to keep the mood that I felt so greatly.

Half way down my road I realized that me and Adam had not chosen a destination. I pulled to the side of the road, and looked over at Adam intensely. “Where do you want to go?” I asked, as I continued to look at him intensely as if his answer would change our lives forever. “Uhm. I do not know.” He replied. “Why don’t you choose, Char?” I looked at him with a frown; this is not what I wanted. I had wanted him to figure out where we were going, I did not want all of the pressure on me.

I thought long and hard, and then I thought of the perfect place. A drive thru. No, a Starbucks Coffee drive thru; better. I told Adam of my plan and he agreed with me and said that that was a great choice given that he was craving a chai latte. So I pulled out of my parking spot, and headed to the nearest Starbucks drive through. I suddenly craved my favorite Starbucks drink: a strawberry and crème frappuccino.

As we pulled up to the drive thru’s window, I felt a spark of excitement travel through my body, from my head, to my feet that were pushing the pedals that kept the car going forward.

“Hello, and welcome to Starbucks coffee! How may I help you?” Asked a perky female voice via the speaker my car was stopped by.

“Hey, can I get one strawberry and crème frappuccino, and one vanilla chai latte?”

“Sure! So one strawberry and crème frappe and a vanilla chai?”

“That is correct.” I replied.

“Ok! Your total will be 8 dollars and 27 cents! I will see you at the window!”

“Alrighty then!” I said in a mockingly, perky voice.

Adam tried to hold back a laugh as I turned the corner, and was nearing the drive thru window. But he then failed when he saw the girl in the window, who had two high pigtails and horribly tacky make-up on, and burst out laughing.

“Uh, sorry. Funny joke.” I said sarcastically to the drive thru girl as she passed me Adam’s vanilla chai latte, which I then set in a cup holder next to me because Adam did not seem in any condition ready to hold a hot beverage – let alone drink it. She just smiled and pretended to laugh along, to bad she had no idea she was laughing at herself. I bit my tongue, trying not to laugh too; as she then handed me my drink, in exchange for my method of payment: cash. I happily took it in my hand and sipped. It was amazing; every single taste bud on my tongue cherished the sweet, delicious taste. Everything seemed to taste better when you were in the driver’s seat, and everything felt and was better when you saw the world from the driver’s seat when you did not have to worry about anyone or anything else.

With our drinks in our hands, and the rest of the world just a single drive away, we decided to go to none other than downtown. I knew that Brody was there, but only because Anna Maria had just tweeted:

“dwntwn w/ brody! luv him!! so much funnnn! gunna go shoppin!”

“Poor Anna Maria. I guess she just does not understand the English language, because she spelled downtown wrong and love and going to. I pity those people. They must really have a hard time communicating with people on an everyday basis.” Adam said smiling at me, trying to make a joke out of the tweet.

But I just stared at it. Once again Brody was with Anna Maria; horrid, evil, devilish, Anna Maria. She was the Satan in my world! I could not get him away from her, even if I tried. So, I buckled my seat belt, and slammed my foot on to the gas.

When we got to the downtown area, I opted for the parking lot of the building where all the Esther Charry High schoolers hung out. The building was called “Hamilton place”. It was much more modern than the other buildings downtown, and had all the good shops, stores, and restaurants – in teenagers opinions – than all the other buildings by far.

“at bcbg w/ brody! wat 2 get??”

“OMG! found a dress tht is 2 cute!!!!!! :D”

“heading to the food court, cravin da jap food. pad thai or curry?”

The great thing about Anna Maria – and I mean like, the ONLY great thing about Anna Maria – is that she has a total twitter obsession. So, if Brody is with her, and she is constantly tweeting about what she is doing and where she is or is going to be at a certain time, you will always know where Brody is too. And because of that, me and Adam headed over to the food court where the “jap food” is, which is, in fact, not Japanese food at all, it is Thai; but I will just let Anna Maria go ahead and believe that, no need to correct her. I think it would be much funnier when Anna Maria finds out that for herself, probably from Brody.

We were just nearing the food court when I saw Brody; tall, handsome, charming, Brody. He was walking my way, and seemed to be waving at me and smiling. I waved back and smiled, breathless because of this encounter. I was still waving when he walked right past me. That is right; he walked right past me! I followed him with my eyes and turned around to see none other than Anna Maria Goodwin. She stood there smiling and waving dumbly. I could not believe it was her he fell for, that it was she who stole my love away. She was not smart, and she was not kind; how could someone so nice and charming want to be with a girl like her? All these questions were rhetorical, and I knew that; but I could not help but ask.

Sometimes I wish that I were like her. Sometimes I believe that if I were more like Anna Maria Goodwin, that maybe, just maybe I would stand a chance with Brody Gerfald. Sometimes I wish I were skinnier, and prettier, and sometimes even dumber; anything to get Brody to like me, or to even notice me. But after I think and wish and believe all of that, I feel ashamed; ashamed that I am not proud of who I am, and what I look like; all because of a boy. A single boy.

Sometimes I blame Brody for bringing this upon me, I get mad at him because he is the one that is making me hurt, and he is the one that chose to be with Anna Maria instead of me. But I cannot stay mad at Brody for long, because I love him. It is as simple as that. It sounds crazy, I know; but I am, and I cannot help it. Nothing Brody does or says, or anything he will or has said, will stop me from loving him. I know that it is sad, but he is all that I can think about for a majority of the time. He is all I care about, and he is all I think about. I cannot put my feelings into words, it is that unfathomable.

To tell Brody I like him, let alone love him, would be unimaginable. I do not think I would even be able to keep his attention long enough to tell him. Although he saw me, and talked to me, on the first day of fifth grade, he has not noticed me since. I know it is sad, but do not pity me; I can cope. I can cope because of the warm feeling I get inside when I think of him, and I know that is contradicting what I said before, but it is true. Although some of the time the thought of Brody hurts, because I know that he will not ever be with me is heart breaking. But it cannot let my spirits down, because I am feeling something so strong, that it cannot be ruined: Love. Simple, amazing, sweet, beautiful love.

And now I am going to contradict myself again: I hate love. I hate it with a deep fiery passion. I hate it because Brody is putting me through this torture that I cannot get out of and that I cannot get rid of or ever forget. When he walks past me, or talks to me in class about homework I cannot help but feel a pain in my heart, and pain that he has bestowed upon me, without even knowing it. I hate it, I do. And that is the worst part: he does not even know what I am going through, and what I am feeling.

So now you know. That is what Brody does to me. He puts me through these mixed feelings, and it hurts. My life is a contradiction, and it does not make sense. It used to, it did, but now it is twisted and tangled; so twisted and tangled that I do not believe it can ever be undone.

I stood there; staring at the love between them. You could see it in their faces and their actions, and I could never have that. I would never have that with Brody, and if I could not have that with Brody, I did not want it at all. This feeling, which is in my heart, it hurts so badly. It hurts because it is missing one of its halves; a half that does not appear to be coming back anytime soon. It feels like a thousand suns burning my heart whole, all because of its missing piece. A piece that Brody has taken, stolen, and ignored. He did all of this without knowing, and not the pain that overcomes me when I see them, Anna Maria and Brody, is so great and vast that I have to turn away, so that I will stop hurting the slightest bit.

When I turn away the pain is still there. But because I cannot see it, I can choose not to believe it. And that is what I do; I choose not to believe it. I am coward, that is what I am; I refuse to believe the truth and reality, but for some reason, I cannot help it, and I have been going on like this for so long that it has become a habit. Everybody has a habit, be it nail biting, or a certain routine one does in the morning or evening. Well, my habit is refusing to believe the truth, because the truth hurts time and time again, whenever I think of or about it.

So I turned away from the – unfortunately – “happy couple” so that I did not have to see the reality and the truth of it all.

“Come on Charlie, let us go.” Adam said to me, it was obvious that he knew what was going through my head, and what was nearly bringing tears to my eyes.

I turned toward him, with my head to the ground, and walked. I just looked at my feet, and walked. I walked as far as I could from them. I tried as hard as I could to get as far away as I could from them. I walked past Jamba Juice, and I walked past Macy’s. I walked past Nordstrom’s, and I walked past Tully’s. I did not care where I was, or what I was doing, I just wanted to get out; out of this corrupt world where my heart had to be endlessly broken, over and over again.

“Charlie!” Adam screamed. His voice seemed to come from behind me, but I did not plan to stop any time soon. “Charlie! Where are you going?”

I do not know, anywhere but here. I thought to myself, failing to verbalize my thought must have worried Adam, because I could hear his Ked sneakers squeaking against the tile floors of the mall’s first floor. I could see his old Ked sneakers in a slight jog next to my converse tennis shoes, but I did not look at his face. I could not look at him. I knew that just seeing his surprise, worry, or fear on his face would end me. It would make me feel horrible. I never knew that my love for one person would affect the people that were close to me, no one ever told me that; I had to find out the hard way.

I had made it to the elevator on the other side of the building; I only looked up slightly to press the level button and then looked quickly down, as if I were ashamed of my tears; because I was ashamed of my tears. I was ashamed to physically show the pain that I was going through, and how Brody affected me. It is horrible what he does to me, but it is horrible that I let him. I feel ashamed, if not embarrassed to let people see the emotions that are bottled up with in me.

The elevator doors opened, and I only hoped that this floor was my stop because I wanted to get out of that elevator as soon as possible.

Luckily, it was my stop, and I rush out and turned to the left; searching for my mom’s 2008 Equinox in the vast sea of cars. Just as I had lost all hope, and just wanted to lean against the wall and break down, I spotted it. I ran towards it, and searched my pockets for the keys. I could hear the elevator’s doors open once more, but I ignored that, and pressed the unlock button on my keys to unlock the car.

“Charlie! Wait!” Adam screamed at the top of his lungs.

But I was oblivious to his actions and words; I drained him out, and got in the car. Once I was in I just sat there. I sat there for a while and just processed all that had happened. And after that, I cried. I cried and I cried.

I know you think that am pathetic, and that I am a looser, and I probably am, but I could not help it. I know that I have no reason to like him, and that I should not be this dramatic about it, but I promise you, this does not happen all the time. In fact, if I see Brody in Hamilton Place I would most likely just look at him, and wish or hope, and nothing more. But this time, when I thought he was directed towards me, I thought it could all be happening, and that my dreams were coming true. So when all of that emotion built up, and then he just passed me, and I saw him with her; I could not take it. It through me off, it made me break down.

But seriously, I promise I do not do that all the time.

I just sat there, tears coming from my eyes, and stared forward, as Adam got into the car too.

“He is not worth those tears, you know.” Adam told me, as he looked my way.

“I know, I just cannot help myself.” I said, still not letting myself look at Adam, let alone look him in the eye.

“I know, Char. But this cannot keep happening, you deserve better.”

“No I do not” I said sharply, “I do not deserve anything better than what I have been cursed with. I deserve all of it.”

“But Char, you do not. Why do you think that?”

“Because I let him hurt me,” I say, as I slowly turn towards Adam and begin to cry once more.

“Aw Char, please do not cry. Do not let him hurt you, show him how strong you are.”

“But I am not strong.”

“Yes you are, you are awesome. You are pretty, and you are intelligent, and you are awesome. So embrace you pretty, intelligent, awesome self!”

“No, I am not any of that. I let this guy get to me, and it has been affecting me since fifth grade, fifth grade!”

“I know. But that can all change.”

“Why? How?” I ask, as if his answer would help at all.

“Because you are strong. And because I will help you through it.” He replied.

“Ok,” I said to him. Adam handed me a box of tissues that had been hanging out on the floor of the car, and I wiped away my tears. “Let us do this.”

I grabbed the car keys that had fallen on the floor of the car and put them into their place. I put the car into drive, and grasped the steering wheel with all my might. “I am ready.” I say in a light whisper, as if I had said it too loud the hope would disappear. “Good,” Adam whispers back. And then we were off.

The next few weeks Adam and I spent in my room, planning ways to forget all that has happened to me in the past with and without Brody.

We had decided that Hamilton place was great, but not a necessity anymore, if I was in need of any type of clothing I could save money and go to a cute vintage store that was closer to our neighborhood, of at Goodwill, as long as I washed the clothes before I wore them. Also, drive thrus always worked for Starbucks, and fast food should not be an option because not only is it bad for our health, but Anna Maria seemed to crave it all of the time, so Brody would always be around the fast food joints. It seemed so simple; I do not understand why I did not do it before. It also felt so great to have Adam on my side at all times, he helped me through the twisted, confusing, and tangled thoughts.

Already I could feel the pain in my heart go down. The stress level I usually felt when he came around and the feeling I got was lessening. Every time I saw him I did what Adam had told me to do:

“Just think about something else, like how much fun we had this summer, or how awesome it feels when you finish a book. Or your favorite season: Christmas.”

And that is exactly what I did, and to my surprise, it seemed to work. I did not work entirely, but for the most part I actually worked very well.

I told myself that he was not everything. I told myself that I should not let him take over my mind. I told myself that it was for the better and that there was no reason to like him. I told myself that he was not actually that great, and that he was not actually that cute. And for a while, I believed it. I believed it because I was so good at believing the fake, and the lies in the world.

My brain later caught on, and began to process my actions and thoughts. I realized that I put just as much effort into forgetting about him than I did thinking and feeling the pain from him. I guess most people would prefer using that amount of effort to get over their crush, but I would rather have the feeling of love in my heart, even if Brody does not love me, than forcing myself to forget about him and lie to myself over and over again. I told Adam I wanted to give up.

“Why? You are doing so well!” Adam exclaimed, while we were walking out of school to my mom’s car that I was borrowing during the school days.

“Adam, I know forgetting about him would probably be better for me,” I told him, as I unlocked the car and hopped in. “but I do not want to lie to myself. And that is what I have been doing. I’ve been lying to myself this entire time. I thought I could do it, because I lie to myself all the time. About Brody, about love, about all the horrible things that have happened in my life, but I am done. I am sick of lying to my own self, and I am tired of trying to forget. You think that it is easy Adam, but it is not. It is not easy at all. And I cannot go on for the rest of my life just lying to myself just because something I want to happen never will.”

“All these lies, and memories, and all other things I have in my mind, they are becoming tangled and crazed. I do not know what to believe now-a-days, Adam. I can barely tell apart the truth from the lies. And that is not right Adam, that is not what I should be doing to myself.”

“But you can pull through Char,” Adam told me. “You can, I believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself.”

“I can’t, I can’t Adam. I cannot take all these lies, and these things I have to go through. I feel as though sometimes I cannot even trust myself because I am lying to myself constantly!” I retorted, as I slammed my hands against the sides of the steering wheel; as if it was the thing that was making me lie to myself over and over again, even though I knew exactly who it really was: Brody Gerfald.

And even though I knew exactly who was making me do all these horrible things to myself, which was Brody Gerfald, but I still never seemed to blame him for anything. I did not blame him for making me go through all of this pain and suffering. It was not his fault that I took everything harshly, and that I was over dramatic. But given the fact that it was he who started all of this madness in the first place, it was partially his fault, I just always told myself that it was not.

I told myself that it was not his fault, because I did not want it to be his fault. I did not want to blame him, just because of the feelings I had towards him. In my heart, I always knew that it was he who was doing all of this to me, and that he was the one that would not stop. Yet I also knew that I could keep it from happening. It I wanted to, I could make everything go away, I could make everything stop right in its tracks. I only told myself that he was not the one doing this to because I loved him. I only did these things because I loved him. The only problem was that he did not love me back.

So I sat there, emotional but contained. I waited; I waited for Adam to answer, but he did not. He just sat there too. I do not know what went through his head at that moment, or even his take on what I had said. But after a while he just dropped his shoulders, put his back pack on the floor of the car, and just nodded; as if he were telling me that he understood. With that single movement I understood too, and nodded back. I put the keys into place, the car into drive, clasped the steering wheel, and we were off once more.

As I was driving home, Adam turned to me. “What about one more week, Charlie? Just one! I know it does not seem like a lot of time, but I think you can do it.”

“No, Adam.” I replied, keeping my eyes on the road.

“Aw, come on Char!” Adam whined.

“Adam, why is this so important to you anyways? It is just my problem, and if I want to get rid of it that would be my choice.”

“I know, but it sucks to just sit there and watch you be miserable. It sucks to see that jerk just break your heart over and over again and not even care. It is hard to see that. Especially when I know I cannot do anything to change it. I am just trying to help.”

“I know, I get it. Sorry for telling you off.” I said, apologetically.

“It is fine, Char. I know you are not trying to. It is just really hard right now.”

And with that, our conversation was over, and for the rest of our car ride we just rode in silence. I stayed quiet for the rest of the ride, with my head forward, and my eyes on the road; while Adam decided to get out his DS I got him for his birthday and was playing Pokémon.

I turned on the radio to try to patch up the awkwardness that was occurring at the moment. I scanned the radio for a second until it hit a Top 40 station. The song “Just the Way You Are” came on, I rolled my eyes because the song was way too over played, but decided to keep it at the station anyways. Once we got to my house I turned into the drive way and parked, but I did not get out. I just sat there, like I usually do when I am thinking intently.

After a few minutes of thinking, I turned to Adam, but he was the first one to speak.

“Ok Charlie, I am sorry. I am sorry for trying to force you to forget about him. I am sorry that I did all of that, but I promise you that my intentions were good from day one. I was not trying to hurt you.”

“I know, I know. I get that you were just trying to help me through a ‘rut’ in my life, but this one I am going to have to take on, on my own. I cannot accept your help on this one Adam; I need to do it myself.”

“Alright, I will not try to help from now on. I promise.” Adam said, placing his hand on his heart.

“Thank you,” I said, knowing that Adam would break his promise anyways because he is like one of those over protective brothers when it come around to Brody Gerfald. That is what I have always liked about him.

We jumped out of the car, grabbed out backpacks, and walked into my house – via the garage entrance. Adam and I then threw our backpacks around the kitchen table and headed to the kitchen. I grabbed an apple, and Adam took about some left over Mac n’ Cheese. Once we had finished our snacks we started working on homework. That took about 3 hours, and by the time we were done, my parents were home.

“Hi sweetie, hello Adam.” My mother said to both me and Adam as she came in through the front door.

“Hey mom,” I said drearily, as I was working on an English paper that was due tomorrow.

“Hey Mrs. A!” Adam said happily, as he finished up his Geometry homework just in time to say hello.

“How are you Adam?” My mom asked keenly, happy to see that we were finishing up our homework.

“I am doing well. Thank you for asking, and you?” Adam replied casually, as if he was talking to a person of his age range.

“I am well, thank you for asking, Adam!” My mom said with a smile, and then walked off to the kitchen to help prepare dinner with my dad, who had already escaped to the kitchen while Adam and my mother were talking.

“Done with homework?” Adam asked.

“Almost, I just have to do my closing paragraph of my English essay.” I replied.

“Ok,” Adam jumped up, and walked across the room to the couch, and flopped right across it, as if it were a gigantic bed.

“Hey,” I said, from across the room, “leave room for me.”

Adam moved over slightly, then sat back and relaxed. Adam was smart, like, really smart, and he always seemed to get him homework done before me. I quickly finished my homework, and walked over the couch to join him. By the time I reached the couch he had already turned on the TV and was watching CSI: Miami.

“Oh Horatio, how I adore thee.” I said, as I walked over.

“Same,” Adam said as I flopped down onto the couch beside him.

The episode that was currently on was one that we had already seen, but that did not keep us from watching it. Old episodes still gave us just as much enjoyment as the newer episodes; you just did not have to guess what would happen in the end.

We spent about an hour watching CSI: Miami, enjoying all of the many cheesy punch lines that Horatio said, and following the plot line intensely. But then my mother told us that dinner was ready, so we got up off the couch, and set the table for dinner. Once we had done that we helped bring the food to the table and sat down. Dinner at my house was nice; it was laid back and enjoyable. Adam usually stayed for dinner because he was a kid with a single mom, and she usually did not get home until eight or nine. She also went on a lot of business trips, and none of us saw her very much.

Adam does not really talk about his mom; I have come to the conclusion that he is embarrassed that he does not have a full family that comes home every day like mine. I tried not to bring her up either, just because I did not want to make it awkward for him, but I have always been a little curious about his mom. I had only met her once, when I went over to Adam’s house when I was in first grade, and we went to play. After that he never really liked to go to his house and preferred my house much more. I never fought with him about that, because I knew he was not lonely at my house and I was never lonely with him by my side.

When dinner was over, we cleaned off our plates and went back to the living room and just laid on the couch and then got out our flash cards for AP Biology. For a while we just sat there reading out words or questions to each other, and the other giving the answer or definition. After a while that got boring and our boredom resulted in us turning on the TV and watching yet another episode of CSI: Miami. In the midst of watching it Adam asked me “Can I stay here tonight?” I did not know what to exactly say, of course he could stay over, but should I ask for a reason? “Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever you want.” I replied, feeling just as awkward as my words had sounded. “Thank you,” Adam replied, as he lay back down on the couch.

I just looked at him for a while, wondering why he was in need of staying over. I knew I probably should not ask, and that it really was none of my business, but I could not help but wonder. I looked at his eyes, and the expression on his face, but that did not seem to help me figure out what exactly was wrong.

Adam looked up, and saw me staring, “What?” he asked. He had obviously seen me staring, my face probably filled with concern.

“Nothing,” I said, as I looked over at the TV, pretending to become engaged with the CSI: Miami episode. I failed to do so, and could only think about Adam, and the fact that I could feel him staring straight at me.

“Char? What is up, what I wrong?” He asked once more, now looking more worried than ever.

“Nothing! Really, let us just watch CSI: Miami.” I replied, trying to sound convincing. But from the look on Adam’s face, I had obviously failed at that task too.

“You really think I am that gullible?” Adam asked, while I was still trying to avoid eye contact with him.

“No…” I said slowly and quietly.

“Then what is it?” He asked pleadingly, he looked like a sad little puppy dog, or a young child that had not been picked while playing kickball.

“I was just –“ I said, stopping for a moment to try to figure out what I was going to say before I was going to say it. “– Um, well. I kind of just, uh, was wondering why, exactly, you wanted to stay over, um, tonight. But if you do not want to tell me that is totally cool. I just, uh, I was, um, curious?”

Adam just sat there for a second, it was obvious we were both uncomfortable at this moment; you could pretty much just feel the awkwardness around you in the room. I just wanted to kick myself for what I had just said, and done. Why did I do it? And more importantly, why did I verbalize it?

“Well,” Adam started, taking in a deep breath and looking at his feet, “my mom; well, she, uh, she got laid off again. So, she has been moving around, looking for jobs, and she does not always come home. I just did not want to go home, and be alone in our little apartment. It is so cold, and dreary, there. So, if you really wanted to know, that is why. So yeah.” Then he just lay back down, and went back to watching CSI: Miami as if nothing had happened, and before I could say anything.

I decided not to pry anymore, and tried to go back to watching CSI: Miami too, but I still could not get my mind off of Adam, and now, his mom. Because TV did not seem to interest me at the moment, I decided to go change into my pajamas and grab me and Adam’s sleeping bags.

I quietly got up, and left the room. I then walked down the hall way and up the stairs. Once I had gotten to my room, I took of my sweater and my jeans and put on my plaid pajama pants and a tank top. When I was done changing, I walked over to the linen closet, which was in the middle of the hall way, and grabbed our sleeping bags, the same two sleeping bags we had used since kindergarten. I then walked back down stairs, up the hall way, and into the living room. Adam was still in the exact same place he had been when I had left. I lightly tossed his blue sleeping bag his way, and then rolled my red sleeping bag out on the floor. Adam grabbed his sleeping bag, and slowly rolled his out on to the floor next to mine.

I turned off the TV, as Adam turned out all of the overhead lights, so that only the lamp on the side table’s light remained. We then got into out sleeping bags that were laid across the floor silently, and then I reached up to turn off the lamp beside me. Once the light was off I turned towards Adam and he turned towards me. We stared at each other for a while, not daring to close our eyes, fearing that we may fall asleep.

After a few minutes I broke the silence.

“Adam?” I said in a low whisper.

“Yeah, Charlie?” He replied sleepily.

“Sorry.” I said to him, hoping that that single word would help make up for all the damage I had done.

“It is ok.” He said, and then rolled over in his sleeping bag.

Then we both fell asleep.

· ~

I woke up early next morning, feeling well rested and content. Adam did not wake up much later than me and seemed to have not slept well, given that he had bags under his eyes and did not look very happy to be awake.

My parents were not surprised to see Adam in the kitchen when they got up and came down for breakfast, probably because he crashes here a lot because of his problems at home. The morning was slow and relaxed, I made cinnamon rolls while Adam sat at the kitchen table with his head laying on the table top, therefore implying that he was not in the mood for conversation and just wanted to go back to bed and sleep. My parents came downstairs about 30 minutes after Adam had woken up and were energetic and awake, as if they had not just gotten up from a long 10 hour slumber.

Since Adam was so tired I told him that he could go up to my room and sleep some more, and he happily accepted, and thanked me in a tired, zoned out tone. Once he had left the room, I got out my laptop and began editing my English paper diligently that I had started the night before:

“… Looking for Alaska was a touching book that not only defined reality, but put a silver coating to it as well. John Green’s final words of the story were:

“Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we, believe ourselves to be. When adults say, ‘Teenagers think they are invincible’ with that sly, stupid look on their faces, they do not know how right they are. We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they are old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail….Thomas Edison’s last words were: ‘It is very beautiful over there.’ I do not know where there is, but I believe it is some here, and I hope it is beautiful.” (220-221)

It was these words that inspired me. It is not the people that are around us that make us strong, it is the person inside of us that can change us and make us indestructible. I know now that I cannot let others make me weak, because it is I who chooses how strong or how weak I am, just in believing. People self destruct because they do not believe they are strong. Those people let others tell them they are weak, and do not believe in themselves. John Green has told me a story of a girl and a boy, but it was not just another boring story about a girl and a boy; it was an inspirational, twisted, and beautiful story that I would recommend to anyone who would ask me of a good read.

This book gave one heartfelt words on every page, and never failed to keep one on the edge of their seat. The novel defined and practically made the reader fall in love with the characters just by reading the words on the page. Once half way through the book, one would feel as though they knew the characters on a personal level, as if they were ones best friend. It was as if the person reading was in the room with the characters and could see their body language and could hear each character’s voice say the lines on the page.

Alaska Young, one of the main characters – and the reason why the book is in fact called Looking for Alaska – is just a regular, beautiful girl that likes pranking and to have fun in school and likes to read. Miles Halter – also referenced to as ‘Pudge’ in the story – is a nerdy guy that loves to memorize the quotes of dead people and is searching for a way out of the labyrinth of life. The Colonel – Miles’ roommate at boarding school – is a smart, yet rebellious guy who always is getting into trouble, and is constantly trying to get thrown out of the high school basketball games.

Are most people like these characters? Probably not, but that is just it; although it is hard to believe that these students could survive in real life is hard to imagine when you weight the options. Yet, John Green still finds a way to make you not even think to weight the options, and to believe that the entire story is real and that it cannot be fake.

I will admit that I am not a huge fan of school reading, but this book was different. Usually I only think of school books as a whole lot of unneeded work, and just words on a page, but this book was different. Looking for Alaska was not just words on a page; it was much more. The book was realistic, funny, and entrancing – in which you never wanted to put the book down. In conclusion, Looking for Alaska was a great book that I would recommend to anyone, male or female, because it has great balance of elements that makes it a good book for either gender….”

My eyes then seemed to drift off of the page, and on to the kitchen table. I cannot tell you how bored I got of staring at my paper and making corrections where needed for an hour and a half. Do not get me wrong, I loved the book; but writing about books and giving them reviews and then editing the reviews no matter how awesome the book is, is absolutely no fun.

Luckily, just as I was about to drift off into a – hopefully – deep sleep, Adam came down with a blanket wrapped around his body. Just then I realized just how cold it was, grabbed my sweatshirt from the floor, and put it on.

“Hey sleepy head.” I said to Adam, smirking.

“Hah, sleepy head,” Adam retorted, “I am not the one who almost fell asleep in front of her computer.”

“Ok, ok. So maybe I am tired to. But I have a good reason.”

“Ok, let us hear it.” Adam says, leaning against the refrigerator on the other side of the room with his arms crossed.

“Well, um, English made me tired. So,” I said, my head trying to find a better reason why I had nearly fallen asleep in front of my laptop on the kitchen table. “Ok, so maybe I do not have a good reason, but at least I got some of my work done on my English paper.”

“Oh, that is what you were working on?” He said, “What book did you read?”

“Looking for Alaska.” I told him casually, with a smile.

“Awesome book,” Adam said as he walked over so that he too could sit at the kitchen table.

“Yeah,” I replied agreeingly, as I continued to daydream.

We sat there for a while quietly. Adam began reading the news paper that my dad had left on the kitchen table, and I finished editing my English essay. Finally, I decided to break the silence.

“So what book did you read for English?” I asked Adam, while I continued to scan through my open word document and edit my essay.

Adam looked up from his newspaper. “Uh, well I read John Green and David Levithan’s new book Will Grayson Will Grayson. It was a very good novel; it talked a lot about gays and relationships, but that did not seem to worry me. It was very well written too.”

“I see, how was it written by two authors? Did they just take both of their brains, and just smash all their ideas together so it formed one big, huge, publishing worthy idea?”

“No, you see,” Adam began, “John Green wrote from one Will Grayson’s –the straight one’s – point of view, and wrote the odd chapters; while David Levithan wrote from the other Will Grayson’s – the gay one’s – point of view, and wrote the even chapters.”

“Oh, I get it! So what are the chances that there are two dudes named Will Grayson though? I mean, seriously.” I said to Adam, pointing out what I thought was obvious.

“Well, they are not actually friends in the beginning. In the beginning of the book you do not really know how they are connected other than the fact that both of their names are Will Grayson. But then, in the middle, their two worlds collide, and they meet.”

“Huh,” I say, staring into space, trying to understand the story, “That sounds very complicated, and I do not really like complicated things.”

“Yeah,” Adam said, “But I think you would like this book. I can lend it to you if you want, but it is not in the best condition because I wrote all over it and took notes in it.”

“I do not know.” I replied, “I think I might just stick to Looking for Alaska and all of my Sarah Dessen novels for now.”

“Ok, suit yourself. It is your loss,” Adam said to me sadly, as if I had totally rejected him, instead of the book.

“Yeah, sorry.” I say apologetically.

“No, no. It is fine.” Adam said sadly.

I did not know what I did to make him so sad, but since I had made him upset, I decided to continue to work on my essay and to try to ignore the awkwardness in the air that I had, once again, created.

I always seemed to do that, create awkward silences or moments. Even with Adam, who had been my best friend since kindergarten, I still never failed to make a moment awkward. It was yet another curse that had been set upon me. Why did I do it? How did I do it? It was not quite clear, but it constantly happened. I wish I could stop, I wish I could be normal and create only a limited amount of awkward silences. Also, whenever I tried to dodge an upcoming awkward silence, I always seemed to fail at that too. The awkward silence just came quicker. In this way, being we was not very fun when it came down to talking. This is why I am scared to talk to Brody. I fear I would mess up, and I would create awkward silences. In fact, I know I would mess up and create awkward silences.

That is my problem, I am like those who are old and afraid of losing and failing. I am like the people that John Green speaks of in Looking for Alaska. I have to remember that I am as indestructible as I believe myself to be. I need to remind myself that I cannot fail. But that does not help, because I still care about what Brody thinks of me, and that is enough for me to forget. It is enough for me to forget that it is not him that tells me how invincible I am, but that it is me who tells myself how invincible I am. I always think that he is the one who can tell me exactly who I am and how invincible I can be, but that is not the case. I am letting myself get pulled deeper into this curse, and I am not appearing to care. But I need to care, I need to take charge because this is my life, and not Brody’s.

I was brought back to reality when Adam called my name.

“Charlie?”

“Yeah?” I replied, as my rant that was going on in my head faded into the clear air of my kitchen.

“Are you ok?” He asked, he looked slightly worried.

“Yup.” I replied distantly, I was still thinking about Brody, and Looking for Alaska

“Ok then,” Adam said questionably, “Well in that case, I am making Mac n’ Cheese. Want some?”

“Sure,” I responded, even though I was not very hungry.

Adam made the Mac n’ Cheese as I watched and got myself some orange juice from the fridge. I then set the table with two forks and napkins on both sides. Once he was done making the Mac n’ Cheese, he poured it into two bowls of equal size, one was blue and one was red. I grabbed the red one and walked to the table. Adam followed with his bowl in hand. We both sat down at the table and ate our lunch quietly.

This silence that was between us at the moment was not awkward, but relaxing. There was no pressure to talk, or to hold a conversation. We could just sit there and eat, and think, and not have to worry about saying something to each other. I liked it that way, no pressure at all, and I think Adam liked it too. Although I could not be sure given that he looked as though he did not know what to do and began to, once again, read the newspaper that was still laid out on the table from this morning.

When we were done with our lunch we decided to work on homework for a while, even though it was Saturday. Usually, we do most – if not all – of our homework on Sunday. Why? Well the answer to that is quite simple: Because we are procrastinators. Half way through homework I remembered something very important: I had my driver’s license. I quickly reminded Adam of this, his face lit up. Then he began to think of places to go.

We decided to go to the library, which was one of our favorite places in the world, and work on homework and to find new books to read. Once we were at the library, we sat at a large table and set out all of our stuff: my laptop, Adam’s history book, both of our geometry books, his calculator, my composition book, and his three subject note book. I sat down at the table, while Adam walked off, searching for the set of encyclopedias that were most up to date about current events.

I then began to work on my AP Biology concept check that my teacher had assigned me. I started off reading that chapter that only took me about 10 minutes. Then I began to read and answer the questions that were at the end of the chapter. Just as I was finishing up my final question of the chapter, Adam came back with three encyclopedias in his arms. He then dropped them on the table, and they made a loud slamming noise as they hit the table. Quickly after we were ‘shushed’ by the librarian who was standing by the check-out desk organizing books. Adam then quietly sat down and out of sight of the old librarian. I laughed quietly under my breath, and then went back to my AP Biology homework.

Once we got bored of the library – well, mostly our homework, but that would make us sound like bad students, so I just said the library – we headed off to Jamba Juice where I got a Razzamatzz, and Adam got a Strawberry Surf Rider. With our smoothies in hand, and our coats on, we walked over to the playground that was currently deserted because it was December, and apparently nobody wants to be at the park in December. We walked over to the swings and sat on them until we finished our smoothies. Once we had finished out smoothies, we went over to the play structure and began to climb it. When we got to the top we both took turns going down the slide. After that I went over to the monkey bars and Adam went back to the swings. Instead of doing the monkey bars, like I used to when I was younger, I just climbed on top of them and sat down with my legs dangling beneath me.

Adam began swinging on the furthest swing. Once he had gotten fairly high, he jumped and landed a good 3 yards from where his swing was then he jumped. I applauded him, and he began to walk over to me. He then jumped up and threw himself up so that he could sit next to me on the monkey bars.

“I love the playground.” Adam said as he examined the playground, which was forming a smile on to his face.

“Me too,” I replied, also smiling, “Whenever we come here it makes me feel like I am a kid again. I love that feeling.”

“Same,” he responded, “sometimes I wish I were a kid again, but then I would not be who I am now. I wish we did not have to grow up.”

“Yeah, I loved being a kid. But when I was a kid all I wanted to be was a ‘big kid’. But now that I am a quote unquote big kid, I just want to be a kid again.”

“Yeah, I guess the saying: ‘You always want what you cannot have’ is true.”

“Definitely.” I replied agreeingly, I always knew that that quote was true, I just never wanted to believe it.

We then got up and jumped off of the monkey bars. After that we headed off to the coffee shop where we sat by the fireplace in the big, comfy chairs and talked for a while. It was nearly 5:30 and dinner was to be served at 6:30. It took about 30 minutes to get home, so I proposed we left now so that we could get home and not have to worry about time. Adam thought this was also a good idea, so we headed to the car and I drove home.

We arrived home around 6:15 due to lots of traffic on the way home. It was a great idea to head home early because by the time we got home, dinner was already on the table. Adam and I apologized for being late – although we did not understand why dinner was ready so early – and sat down for dinner. Before dinner had finished, I asked Adam would like to stay over again, and he happily accepted and said that he would love to.

My parents never seemed to worry about Adam staying over constantly, or if they were they did a good job of hiding it. They were always happy to have Adam over at our house, and constantly told him he was more than welcome to stay whenever he wanted to. I was happy that my parents did not worry too much about that, and it was great because they did not cause awkward conversations – which most parents do. On the other had I worried that they were ignorant to the fact that Adam was having problems at home, and that he was struggling. I mean, I am pretty sure they are well aware of his problems, but what if they were not? What if they did not know anything about it, or did not even care. These were just a few of the many things that went through my head when Adam came and/or slept over at our house. [I know, I am a ‘worry wart’. I just cannot help it.]

When dinner was finished we did what we usually did when dinner was over: cleared the table, washed the dishes, sat on the couch and studied for a while, and then watched CSI: Miami. While studying for AP Biology, we decided that watching CSI: Miami was a better use of our time. This is what usually happens when we are studying for any class after dinner. CSI: Miami just seems so much more fulfilling than boring old studying. Do not get me wrong, I like school and all, but I get bored of studying after a while because the concepts just seem to become redundant.

~

That weekend was a good weekend. Only on Friday did I see Brody and Anna Maria at school, and for the rest of the weekend Adam was able to keep my mind off of Brody. It felt good to not have to think about the guy I loved so dearly, while also having to know that he would never like me back like I did him. People say that love is a great thing, and that it is magical and amazing. But those people who said those things were the people that had someone that loved them back. Love is only beautiful, magical, and amazing when it is a mutual matter. When it is not, it is painful, horrible, and agonizing.

If only people understood that love is not always a fairytale. That it is not always a great and magical thing. All those books you read, all the ones with the happy endings, that is not reality. That is why they are called fairytales, and not every life is a fairytale, very few are. Don’t you see? Doesn’t anyone see? This is my point, and no one seems to understand.

Life is not this great thing that you find love with in, and learn from and understand more and more as you go on. If you could ask many elderly people, I bet some of them would tell you that life is a mystery that is not to be understood. You see? Life is not to be understood; you are just supposed to learn how to cope with it. Life is a matter of compromises. Life will not adjust to you, you adjust to life. That is why people change throughout the years, they are adjusting to life as a whole. I have been compromising with life since 5th grade because of Brody, and even if Brody had not come around I would still be compromising with life – most likely because of different things, but I would still be compromising and adjusting and changing. Things like this are only natural, yet all humans have a hard time with it and have to learn to cope because it happens to everyone, but in different ways.

For me, I am changing and compromising because of Brody. For Adam, he is changing and compromising because of his life at home, school, and, I think, me. Brody is adjusting himself and compromising because of Anna Maria and her horribleness. All people are different, that is why no one has been able to figure it out; because no two people are the same. That is part of the mystery: No two people are the same, but why? That question cannot be answered thoroughly, and it is not meant to be. It is meant to be a mystery. I love that mystery, yet, at the same time, I hate it so much. I hate it because I will never be able to understand it, even though I really want to.

On Monday Adam and I drove to school – he had stayed over at my house yet again on Sunday – and as we were parking we saw it them, horrid, upsetting, unfortunate them. I did not want to see them, and Adam knew that. So, I opted for another parking spot, even though I had already turned into the space, I backed out and circled around the parking lot once more.

Adam pointed out another parking spot that was further from the school, but away from them. I pulled in happily and put the car into park. We both got out and began walking to school. We were both dreading our AP Biology test today, and were worried even though we had been studying all weekend. Adam opened the door for me, I thanked him, and then we both walked into school. We were twenty minutes early, so we headed to our lockers to grab our books for our first three periods.

My first three periods were Math, PE, and then the dreaded AP Biology. Adam had a different schedule; his is Video Production, Math, and then AP Biology with me. Adam did not take PE, because he actually did Fall sports which – in our school – counted as an entire school year PE credit. Guess what fall sport he does. That’s right, Football. He was one of the wide receivers for our high school football team. He is actually quite good too, which one might find hard to believe at first for he is an incredibly big nerd. Yet he is actually a very gifted athlete. Once we had our books, we headed over to the AP Biology room to ask our teacher some questions about the homework and the content of the test. By the time we had gotten to the Chemistry room, asked our questions, and then got them answered by our teacher, we only had five minutes until school started so we both headed off to our first classes.

My first class was horrible. The reason? Not only was Brody in my math class, but so was Anna Maria. Luckily I was seated in the front of the class room so that I did not have to stare at them staring at each other the entire class. But unfortunately, whenever I wanted to know what time it was, I had to turn towards the happy couple. They would always be staring at each other and smiling. Brody was a good student and mostly looked up at the board and took notes, but whenever he did that Anna Maria would scowl and try to get his attention back onto her. Anna Maria was greedy in that way, everything had to be about her, and she had to have all the attention all the time. She was not smart and did not care about school and did not take notes in class like all the other students. In fact, I think that the only reason she comes to school is to see and impress Brody, but I bet her grades do not impress Brody at all.

I wish they were not seated next to each other, and that they did not stare at each other all day. I wish that I did not have class after class with them. That is right, I have every class with them – well, at least one of them in each class. In Math they are both in my class, which was a bad start to my school days. Brody is in my PE class, which was absolutely dreadful because I am not athletically enlightened in any way shape or form. Then they are both in my AP Biology class, but thankfully I have Adam with me in that class too. Anna Maria is in my Rock history class and in my next class, English. Then in Brody is in my final class which is AP Euro. And that is how my day goes, Brody and Anna Maria, then just Brody, then both of them again, then just Anna Maria two times in a row, and then just Brody. Such a great schedule is it not? Just in case you did not get the memo, that was sarcasm.

By the time I had gotten to Chemistry I was ready to blow. I was incredibly confused about our concept in Math, but I did not ask any questions because I was too busy starting at Brody who was staring at Anna Maria. Then, in PE we played volleyball and someone served the ball and it hit me right in the face. That was horribly embarrassing, especially because Brody Gerfald was watching the entire time. So when I got to Chemistry I was red and upset.

Adam was already in the classroom when I walked in and I could tell from the look on his face that my face was still red and he could tell that something was wrong. He jumped off of the desk he was sitting on and walked over to me.

“Hey Char, rough morning?” He asked sympathetically.

“Just a little.” I replied, I began to roll my eyes just at the thought of what happened this morning.

“I am sorry about that.” Adam said as he looked at his shoes

“It is fine. It is not like it was your fault, right?” I said rhetorically.

“Yeah,” He replied quietly as we sat down in our lab seats.

Just then the bell rang, and cut off our conversation. I nodded to Adam giving him the memo that we would talk later. He nodded back and then we turned towards the front of our classroom. Our teacher was talking about out test we were about to take – which I had forgotten about until that moment in time because of what happened that morning – and then passed out our tests.

The rest of my day was not too bad because Adam was in all of my afternoon periods so I never was alone in the classrooms with either Brody or Anna Maria, or worse, both. I could not stand the thought of them together, especially when I was alone. I liked it when Adam was with me because I did not have to take on my day alone. Although my mornings were rough because of my schedule, my afternoons make me feel better because I have Adam by my side.

I do not know what I would do if I did not have Adam with me, he was always there to listen and help out. Not most guys care, or even want to listen. That is what is different about Adam, he cares and he is always there to listen. I liked that about Adam, and I always have.

When I was heading to the car with Adam, after school, he was there to talk. Like I had promised him, I told him all about my morning. As I told him, he added in comments, laughs and smirks at just the right times. I told him about Brody failing to be the good student that I knew he was because he was constantly staring at that horrible, repulsive girl, Anna Maria. I told him how I could not stand the thought of them together because they were not at all like each other. I told him about how I did not get many of the notes in Math because of them and how I found Brody so distracting. I told him about PE, and how we were playing Volleyball. Adam laughed because he knew I was challenged in everything pertaining to sports. I then told him about how when we played I got hit by the ball, right in the face. He laughed once more, but said he was sorry. I told him about how it was incredibly embarrassing and that Brody just stood there and watched.

“And you still care for him just as much even though he did not help you?” Adam asked with a surprised look on his face.

“Well, yeah. Just because he did that does not mean he is a bad person, he just did not want to interject.” I replied.

“Of course,” Said Adam, sighing loudly as we jumped into the car.

“Love does not just go away because of what one person had done, that is not how it works.” I retorted.

“Yeah, well. Whatever.” Adam replied, and then turned forward so that he was towards the front of the car. Because he had begun to ignore me, and looked like he was ready to go; I ignored him too, and I drove us home.

Once we got home we went inside and began doing homework. I started my Math, and Adam was working on a video he was working on for his Video Production class. He was constantly staring at his computer and had huge earphones on his head. He looked funny – not a bud funny, just, well, funny – and he began to bite his lip because he was concentrating so hard on his video.

Adam looked up, “What?” He asked with a smile.

I had not realized I was staring at him until he had asked that question. I felt weird because of the fact I was staring at my best friend. I sat up, surprised from both my and Adam’s actions.

“Oh, nothing.” I said because I was unsure what to answer with.

“Ok then…” Adam replied as he looked at me questionably before he went back to looking at his laptop at the video he was editing.

It felt weird to me, to do what I had just done. It was weird because I had never done it before. And even though I had never felt or thought that way before, it felt almost normal – and sort of nice. But I could not and would not ever admit that to Adam or anyone else if they asked me.

I looked at him for a while more, not sure what it was about him but there was something there that just made me want to smile. Then I got back to work and looked back down at my Math homework that I had failed to work on for the past thirty minutes because of – the suddenly distracting – Adam.

Just as I had finally been able to concentrate on my Math homework, my mom and dad came through the door – loudly.

“I know we needed eggs Ellis, but they had a bad price on horrible looking eggs so I did not get any! Don’t you see? It would have been a waste of money!” My dad said loudly as they both walked in the front door.

“I know, Frank, but I wanted to make scrambled eggs tomorrow for the kids.” My mother responded as she looked over at us sympathetically – she must have really wanted those eggs to have gotten so sad about them.

“Well then you can get them tomorrow, at a different store, that has a better selection of chicken eggs!”

“Ok, ok. I will,” My mom said, “tomorrow.” She said quietly as if she were reassuring herself that tomorrow her house hold would not be lacking the chicken eggs that she wanted so badly.

I could never seem to understand my mother. She always had to want to have the new thing, and she always had these cravings that she had to satisfy. If her craving was not satisfied, then bad things would happen. My mother was slightly crazy, or that is how I liked to think about it. If you were to ask Adam, or my dad, they would tell you something relative to this line:

“Ellis? Well, she is nice; a very interesting person if you must. I mean, she can be a bit crazy, but we still love her just the way she is.”

Yup, that is my mom for you. Now, I do not know if Adam would say the love part, but you get my point about my Mom. She is quirky, but loveable none the less. She is crazy, but still a wonderful person. I think you catch my drift though, so I will just stop now.

“Hi honey!” My mother said to me, giving off the message that she had just taken note of me and Adam. Adam still had his headphones on and had not noticed my parents walking in. So my mother decided not to bother him and skipped saying ‘Hi’ to him today.

I went back to my Math homework, hoping that this time I would not get any interruptions and in the end, I did not – which was nice for once. Even though my mom had made a big fuss about not having eggs, she seemed to have forgotten all about that by now and was off to the kitchen to make dinner with my dad.

I finally finished my math and began working on all of my other homework that I oh-so strongly disliked. On my AP Biology homework, I did not understand quite a few of the questions, so I went to Adam for help. He had just finished editing his video and had begun working on his English essay that was due tomorrow. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he jumped. He pulled off his earphones that were blasting Nirvana music way over the recommended volume limit.

“You scared me there for a second there, Char.” Adam said, as he set down his headphones on the table and lowered the volume on his laptop.

“What did you think I was,” I scoffed, “the boogie monster?”

“I do not really know.” He replied honestly, “but it seemed to scare me. So what’s up?”

“I do not get the AP Bio homework at all. I mean, how are you supposed to understand this? They take the easiest concepts and turn them into these confusing things! I just do not get it!”

“Ok, first off: they are not ‘the easiest concepts’ and secondly: yes, they are confusing but all of us students are to learn how to interpret them. That is what we are learning. That is one of the reasons we have this worksheet.” Adam said to me calmly.

“Ok, fine. I will learn to understand this. But you are not helping with that right now. Please help me.” I told him in a pleading tone.

“Ok ok, I will.” Adam said.

And he did, but I could not seem to concentrate on my homework. I was spending most of my time just concentrating on Adam. He was kind of cute. His messy brown hair and his sky blue eyes. I liked the way his bangs would fall in the front of his face and sometimes even cover up his right eye. It was cute how he would get so into the homework he was explaining to me. His smile was charming, and just now I noticed that he had dimples – what am I doing?! Adam is my best friend. I cannot like him or think he is cute. That is not normal.

I came back to reality just as Adam had finished explaining the homework to me. Since I had not gotten or processed any of his explanation I just nodded when he asked me if I got it and just stared at my paper. I decided to open up my book and just copy some random lines onto my worksheet, and just hoped that they would make sense. In the end, it did not make any sense, but I decided to go with it anyways.

I do not know what it was about that night that made me remember it so well. Maybe it was the fact that from that night on I saw Adam differently. Not a bad different or a good different, just, different. I could not tell you what changed me, or what happened to make me act nd feel that way, because honestly, I myself do not know exactly why. Since that day I smiled a little bit more and just felt happier than I had in the past five years. I guess Adam had noticed too, because he would always ask me why I was so smiley and what was up and if he had not be filled in about something great that had happened in the past few weeks.

Life was great – like, really great – and Christmas was coming which made me even more happy than usual. I love Christmas, my family is not at all religious, but it is still fun to get the entire family together and have fun. Also, even though I am 16 years old and should probably be past my ‘childish phase’ I still love playing in the snow and sledding, yet I have never been a huge fan of skiing and snowboarding. I love the Christmas spirit during winter too. You cannot just feel it with in you, yet you can also just feel the Christmas spirit in the air and I find it amazing. The moment that the rain turns to snow, the feeling in the air not only changes from gloomy to happy, but the entire town is much more friendly and joyful than the fall season.

I know I probably should not be this excited for winter and Christmas, but it is just so exciting! I cannot wait to have Adam over and the rest of my family in my dining room on Christmas Eve, chatting and eating as much as they can before they go to bed.

Every year on Christmas Eve, Adam comes over – my parents invite his mother too, but he always rejects the invitation for his mother and just says he will come alone – and we set up our sleeping bags in front of the fireplace and try to stay awake for as long as we can, but we never seem to be able to stay up much later than 1 o’clock. Another thing we do is on December 1st, we always go straight home – if it is a school day – and we set up and decorate the Christmas tree all together. About 1/4 of all the decorations on our tree are ones that me and Adam made when we were in elementary out of crayons, seashells, string, sticks, fabric, or paper. Every year when we do that it brings back so many memories. It is a great way to start our December.

Today was December first, and this year it landed on a Wednesday. Instead of hanging around after school or going to get a snack, Adam and I rushed home as fast as we could. When we got home, we ran to the door. When the door was opened by both me and Adam, a rush of warm air came at us, filled with the smells of pine and peppermint, which were my favorite scents during the Christmas season. Adam and I looked at each other, excited that the holiday spirit had finally come. We walked in to the house and closed the door behind us. Once more we took another whiff of the sweet, Christmas like aroma that was enclosed into the entry way and downstairs level of my house.

Before doing anything else, we ran towards the Christmas tree that my parents had already put in its stand and looked at the floor around it. On the floor there were ornaments laid out on the ground along with the Christmas tree skirt, some Santa hats, and a large stack of candy canes. Adam grabbed a Santa hat while I went for the stack of candy canes that were meant to be used to put on the tree, but I started nibbling at it anyways. Once I had grabbed my candy cane, I too put on a Santa hat the matched Adam’s and began picking out my favorite ornaments for the Christmas tree.

One of my favorite ornaments is definitely the picture of me and Adam when we were five. We are holding hands in the picture and walking down the street in ‘grown up’ clothing. Every time I look at this picture in its hardened Play Dough picture frame, I cannot help but smile. Even before I felt for Adam, this picture was just so funny and cute to me. We were just little kids with our whole lives in front of us and all we wanted to be were grown-ups; with big hats, pearls, and ties. We did not get how great it was to be little kids. We did not understand the privilege and freedom we had at that age until it was gone.

I know I probably put too much thought into this picture, but it really does seem to portray a message about youth and aging. And I like that message; people think that when people say things like “You never know what you have until it is gone” is incredibly cliché, and it is, but it is also incredibly true, and not all people realize that.

“Look,” I said to Adam, who was admiring some of the other ornaments we had that were laid out on the floor, “it is us when we were five. This one is my favorite.”

Adam examined it closely and began to smile. “Mine too,” He responded happily to me. “I also like my tube socks in the picture and your gigantic hat.” Adam began to laugh, still looking at the picture happily, because it brought back so many good memories.

“Yeah, our outfits are pretty attractive in this picture.” I said to him, as I began laughing too.

Winter was such a great time of the year in our house hold. Everyone was in a good mood, and on that day, when my parents got home, we decorated the Christmas tree together and had peppermint hot chocolate in front of the fireplace. I do not know what it is about hot chocolate, but it always seems to make me tired, so while me and Adam were watching yet another episode of CSI: Miami, I fell asleep.

I dreamt of me and Adam, just us, downtown during winter. We were walking down the road, and it was snowing all around us. It seemed magical, all the snow coming down around us, and the Christmas lights filling in the setting around us. I was wearing my wool pea coat and Adam was in his ski jacket, and we were both wearing our Santa hats that we had on this afternoon. We began to hold hands, which was something we have not done since we were probably six years old. Yet, it did not seem abnormal in this scene. We were acting as if this were completely normal. I did not understand this dream, but I tried to think of the greater moral of this dream, but I could not find one.

I woke up later that night with my head on Adam’s shoulder and his arm around mine. Adam was now asleep but the television was still on. I got up and walked over to turn off the TV and then walked back over to Adam. He was still on the couch, with his head tilted back and his left arm on the top of the couch. I decided not to sit down again, because I feared I was going to disturb him, so I just put a blanket over him and went up to my room to go to bed.

When I got up to my room I changed into my flannel pajamas and put on my Santa hat, washed my face and brushed my teeth, and then went to bed.

The next morning I went downstairs with my Santa hat and my flannel pajamas still on, and entered the kitchen. There I found my mom, dad, and Adam, who was sitting at the buffet while my mom made Mickey Mouse pancakes and my dad was making orange juice from a can.

I always found my mom’s Mickey Mouse pancakes really cool, until I became a teenager. Then they did not seem as cool. Yet my mom still made them all the time. I do not think my mom knows how to make circular pancakes. I mean, I have never seen her do it, so I have come to the conclusion that she is completely incapable of making normal shaped pancakes.

“Good Morning, Char!” Adam said to me, smiling as he was being served a plate containing two Mickey Mouse pancakes from my mom and a cup of orange juice from my dad.

“Good morning.” I said sleepily.

“Honey, you better get dressed! You will be late for school. Go run up stairs and get changed and brush your teeth. I will make you some pancakes while you are up there.” My mother said cheerfully to me as I yawned.

“Ok, ok. I will go get dressed. I will be right back.” I replied and then went back upstairs to change.

When I got up to my room I did not just throw on some jeans and a sweater like I usually did, I looked through my entire closet and looked for my cutest clothing – even though I was not much of a fashion guru and did not really know what was ‘cute.’ I searched and searched for my black tights and my cute winter dress. Once I had found it I threw it on, and grabbed my black pea coat and rushed to the bathroom where I brushed my hair and put it in a messy bun and then brushed my teeth. Then I walked down stairs, back to the kitchen, where Adam and my parents were. They seemed to be surprised by my outfit choice, but tried to hide it.

“You look nice,” Adam said to me as I took a seat next to him. “What is the occasion? Is Anna Maria sick? Will Brody be free today?”

“No,” I said smirking at him – and slightly blushing because he had brought Brody into the conversation, when he had nothing to do with my reason for once, “I, uh, just thought I would get into the holiday spirit. You know this is not even a formal dress or anything.”

“I know that,” Adam replied, as my mother handed me a plate of Mickey Mouse pancakes that I happily accepted and began to dig in. “I was just wondering because you do not usually wear dresses to school.”

“So you pay attention to what I wear?” I asked questionably, “I do not even really pay attention to what I wear.”

My parents decided that they were not going to get involved in this conversation and were slowly evacuating the room.

“No, I do not. Well, I do, but not thoroughly. I cannot help but notice, but that’s not my point. My point is exactly what you said: you do not even pay attention to what you wear. So why the sudden change of heart?”

“No reason.” I say, as I stuffed a fork full of Mickey Mouse pancake into my mouth. Adam looked at me, I could tell that he was not buy my story. “Really! I just felt happy that it was winter and wanted to dress up, it is not a crime you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Adam said, as he looked up at the clock. “Come on! We have to go. Or else we will be late for class!” He grabbed my hand and ran to the door. I had barely finished my breakfast but I put on my pea coat and grabbed my black North Face back pack. Adam put on his hoodie and hat, he then grabbed his Timbuk2 messenger bag and ran out the door, and I followed.

When we got to school I parked right next to Brody’s car and did not mind at all. I did not see Brody and I did not see Anna Maria; everything was awesome. Adam and I walked in together enjoying the holiday spirit that had literally risen overnight. We walked to our lockers that were right next to each other, just like they always had been since we were in 5th grade. Once we got to our lockers we both opened them, and inside I found a paper snowflake, and Adam found an origami crane.

Our school does this lame thing every year where they do that advent thing where they put something in your locker before Christmas. But all the presents are really boring and lame because they have to be thin enough to fit through the vents of our locker doors. Almost every day of last year I got a paper snow flake, and sadly – I suspected – that I was going to get a bunch of stupid paper snowflakes.

The warning bell rang, which interrupted my thoughts. I had not realized how much time I had

wasted both at home and at my locker, so I quickly grabbed my books and ran off to my Math class.

School was good, although I did not expect it not to be. Adam and I had a blast in AP Biology with blowing things up. Get it? See my joke? Anyways, then we went to the cafeteria to get lunch, and then walked to our lockers. Our school was weird because it did not have very much seating in our cafeteria, so we had to find other places to sit and hang out during our lunch period. Although I do not know why anyone would actually want to actually eat in the cafeteria giv