VOLUME X, ISSUE 1 January 31, 2013THIS IS STILL A THING, RIGHT?

Strategic Plan! Page 2ClassRoulette! Page 3

Overhear Everything! Page 324 hours at Einsteins! Page 4

Today: It’s colder than a witch’s teat!Tomorrow: Now you’re a toad.

TheBlowfish

Inside This Issue

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: What do you call a fake noodle?A: An im-pasta!

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Like us on Facebook!Facebook.com/BDeisBlowfish

HUMAN RIGHTS NEWS:

POLITICAL NEWS:

FACEBOOK NEWS:

RAP NEWS:

INDIA NEWS:

Lil Wayne retires from rap, God prom-ises return in one millenium to grant another wish

Pg. 1,000 years

Disgraced Obama admits to lip-syncing inaugural address

Pg. 3 flubs

Boy Scouts agree to extend membership to gays and certain Italians.

Pg. 1997

“Brandeis Crushes” memorializes Brandeis faculty and alumni who have perished in rockslides

Pg. 426 boulders

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Writer

TODAY’S WEATHER

This paper was printed with 100% recycled ‘30 Rock’ scripts. As one joke ends, another begins. The circle of life.

The conflict surround-ing America’s con-tentious DJ/Musician lockout was brought to

Brandeis campus this past Saturday with a controversial performance by A-Trak, a DJ who has long stood in solidar-ity with his fellow Disc Jockey Union (DJU) Members. After years of un-fair treatment from rap, hip-hop, and pop artists, famous DJs from across the country have joined together and refused to collaborate with “Instrument-mind-ed” musicians. A-Trak explained the conflict to confused fans during his per-formance, “The DJs have come home to roost! For too long musicians have took it upon them-selves to heckle, ha-rass, and otherwise belittle us for the sake of their music. Ke$ha, stop telling us to turn the music up! There is a strict moral code among the DJ community and we will not damage your fans hear-ing despite your demands. That goes for you too, Rihanna! And I’ll tell you what we’re waiting for, Ms. Spears. We’re waiting for a little thing called r-e-s-p-e-c-t, and we will NOT wait until the world ends!” For those who think this is a new phenomenon, the DJU claims that such abuses have occurred since the inception of their career. In the 70s, DJ abuses were mostly compen-sated under the table with bumps of coke and subtle hand jobs. But calls for unionization were immediately heard af-ter the release of The Smith’s song “Panic”, which includes the horrifying refrain, “Hang the DJ! Hang the DJ! Hang

the DJ!” According to one unidentified union member, “That was a scary time for us DJs, I’ll tell you that much. I had friends over at Studio 54 who said they started using DJs’ heads as disco balls! I realize now they were yanking my chain, but at the time... who could tell?!” For those who thought the worst of the the anti-DJ sen-

timent had ended in the 80s, Green Day’s single “Kill the DJ” in 2012 was a rude wake-up call. After hearing the ballad, which instructs its listeners to “Shoot that fucker down”, the DJU called for its members to stop playing all Green Day tracks entirely. The DJU’s leader, President “Ricka-Ricka” Rubin, had this to say, “I’ll be honest, it was a pretty easy boycott. I mean, it was already in effect unintention-ally, ya know what I mean? It just both-ered us that Billy Joel had so much resentment against us, even after we supported him dur-ing his insufferable

“political” phase. People ask us if we see him as a threat but come on, you saw his cameo in “This Is 40”. That guy needs help.” While most students try to avoid the conflict altogeth-er, a group of young social activists have formed the club “DJ-Street”, which attempts to provide the campus with both narratives. Unfortunately, their attempt to foster dia-logue through A-Trak’s concert was marred when a group of Xylophonists walked out in silent protest. When asked for comment, a representative from Too Cheap for Instru-ments said, “You all need to check your privilege.”

Charmer SchoolIn light of the recent Public Safety Advisories that have been issued regarding poor

pick-up attempts by various men on campus, a group of male students has created “Boys Allied for Ladies’ Safety (BALS) in order to edu-cate their peers about the proper way to approach a female. The club formed after its president, Elijah Bergman ‘15, had a rev-elation following his own failed attempt to score a lady’s number. “Yea, I’m the one who approached the broad... excuse me, the “woman” in the library. I thought I did everything right! I had my hair fresh-ly slicked, my face was cleanly shaved. And clear-ly she was impressed, she included it in her police report! But I dunno, may-be I should try scoping the library for chicks on Fri-day nights or something. These Sunday ladies were more frigid than a New England winter, yaknow-whatimean?” While the club doesn’t have many members to-day, its leaders are op-timistic that BALS will expand as the weather gets warmer. Meetings for BALS take place in the SCC Multipurpose Room right after Pole Dancing Club, which offers a unique challenge to club members with self-control issues. At the meetings, group leaders instruct the men on how to court a lady properly.

Or at least how to do it without ending up in the police log. One member says the club has done wonders for him. “Oh yea, I’ve made a lot of progress thanks to this club. My old pick-up technique was just asking women about the weather over and over and over. But

one day I hit bottom at Einstein’s when a girl refused to respond. I panicked and grabbed some sugar packets, hoping she’d take pity on a guy with hypo-glycemia. I guess she didn’t make the con-nection, though, ‘cus I saw myself in the po-lice log the next day.” The club’s first of-ficial “Gentlemen’s Training” conference last weekend was de-scribed as a huge suc-cess by many attend-ees. Jeffrey Vladder ‘14 said that he learned about the proper way to walk a lady to her room. “Years past, I’d see a cute lady walk-ing and think ‘Yes, I want that’. And of course, nobody ever told me I shouldn’t follow a girl home to make sure she’s safe.

I didn’t know it was bad to sneak into her building and make sure she got home. And I swear to you, I thought it was a good idea to surprise her with an unexpected visit! This training turned my whole phi-losophy on its head.”

A-Trak facilitates dialogue about DJs’ struggle for fair treatment

A group of misguided students learn the proper way to treat a ladyBY GARY NEMO

Had a bad dream

Bass Warfare

“Workers of the world, drop the bass!”

“What do you mean you don’t want a suitor?”

President Lawrence accidentally gives all of school’s endowment to slum family

Pg. 300 rupees

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

PAGE 2- OPINION

Photo Poll:How are you keeping warm in this frigid weather?

“I’ll tell you when I get cold.”-Capt. James Cook

“Two words, bitches!”- Human Torch

“My fever keeps me warm...” - Your sick little sister“Call maintenance”

-Castle Resident

“Fleece toga! Fleece toga! Fleece toga!”- ZBT Member

“We dab a little heated lube on our cheeks”-SSIS

Thank You For Reading LOOKING TO DIVEST FROM BORING OLD SOCIAL ACTIVISM?

BlowScopesYour guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...

Aquarius: January 20 - Feb-ruary 18 - “Living life to the fullest” does not mean you can go off your strict diet.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Bless you! Oh, that was a cough? Well... nevermind, I guess.

Aries: March 20 - April 20 - Why did you ask for a partridge in a pear tree, anyway?

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - It’s bitter cold outside, the trees look dead, it gets dark super early... Ahhh, the beauty of New England winters!

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 -In Bio, just remember what Louis Brandeis said: “There are no shortcuts in evolution.”

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 - Count your chickens before they hatch. That way you can know if your roommates used them to make omelettes.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 - Remember to enjoy the little things. Except for ants. If you don’t kill them immediately they’ll multiply.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - You can’t spell ‘homework’ without ‘me.’ But I’m not help-ing you. You can go to hell for all I care.

Libra: September 24 - Octo-ber 23 - It’s good to relive your childhood, but it is better to stay off the neighborhood watch posters at the local playground.

Scorpio: October 24 - Novem-ber 22 - If you don’t have an opinion on Lena Dunham, you probably don’t attend a liberal arts college

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 - It’s just like Honey Boo-Boo always says, “Somebody help me, please!”

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 - This Sunday, make a fantastic dip to distract others from your lack of football knowledge

then invest in the self-indulgent art of comedy! we’re looking for people with

writing chops, photoshop skills, or layout experience. EMAIL US AT BLOWMYFISH@

GMAIL.COM FOR OUR MEETING SCHEDULE!

Nate EnnisDan Tassone

Michael Chernin (AWOL)Editors

Staff

ContributorsCaroline Duchin

Gordy StillmanLisa Galperin

Alisa FeinswogElly Kalfus (AWOL)

Alexandra BarrAlison WhiteNoah Coolidge

In the past few weeks, Brandeis students have waited with baited breath to hear about the next development in the school’s “Strategic Plan”. Many are excited to have a role in planning the University’s future direction, while others would like

to give Marie in Usdan a bonus because her sandwiches were so damn good last semester. But despite what your Inbox tells you, President Fred Lawrence recently announced that University Provost Steve Goldstein has been fired from the school’s administration board. In fact, Lawrence claimed that Goldstein was actually fired over a year ago. He just refuses to leave. According to senior ranking administrators, Steve did not take his firing very well. “It was a bad scene. He kept shouting, ‘This is not a part of the plan! We need to follow the plan!’ We had to call in S.T.A.R., but they just gave him a list of some inspirational Tumblrs.” President Lawrence also spoke on the subject: “It was a pathetic sight. I mean, I get it. A man lost his job and he’s under a lot of stress. But that doesn’t mean he can come in to his old office night after night and work on some “strategic plan” for hours. We sent him home multiple times. ‘Go home, Steve. See your kids, hug your wife,’ I said. But he just kept whispering ‘Strategy. Strategy. Strategy.’ And he won’t stop obsessing over some red stapler...” Students claim that they could tell something was up based on the rambling, vague emails sent by Gold-stein every week. “I mean honestly, I don’t even know what we’re planning anymore,” remarked Jeremy Fitzberg ‘14. “It’s become this weird chicken/egg scenario. Did the strategy come from the plan, or did the plan lead to a strategy? And when do we discuss the tangible goals? It’s like Brandeis is modeling itself after the United Nations...” Goldstein agreed to discuss the strategic plan with The Blowfish after a brief cavity search to prove we weren’t with the Feds. He laid out the plan as follows: “Okay, so we know that Brandeis wants to improve, right? How do we improve? We collaborate. Collaborate starts with a CO, that’s Colorado. Both “Colorado” and “Strategy” have 8 letters, so we know they’re connected. ‘Denver’ has 6 letters, and 8 x 6 is 48. That’s in reference to 1948, the year Brandeis was founded. So it’s obvious that we should move to Denver, Colorado. But how will we fund it? Well I’ll tell you: I have a Swiss Bank Account in Singapore that holds millions of dollars in Pesos. But I’m the only one who can access it! Can Brandeis really afford to fire me NOW?!?” While Goldstein continues to search for answers in his Frosted Flakes, the administration has no choice but to wait for his next move. According to officials, the one positive outcome of this situation is that it’s led to the development of the Goldstein Equilibrium.

Nowhere PlanBY CYNTHIA VIDDLEOnly likes the remix

The school continues to strategize about... something...

NEWS- PAGE 3

Stroke of GeniusBrandeis University has been criti-cised in recent years for its lack of physical upkeep. Students have com-

plained that the university is on the cusp of being too young to warrant massive renovations, but too old to maintain its original infrastructure. Recently though, Brandeis administra-tors have announced plans to bring the university soaring into the 21st century. Following the lead of many other top uni-versities like Duke, Emory, Northwestern, and Notre Dame, Brandeis plans to offer online courses for credit. Critics hailed this as a huge improvement for students and professors alike, as Brandeis students can finally realize their dream of masturbating in class. Citing the need for an online system that is capable of reaching the most students possible, Provost Steve Goldstein took time away from his Strategic Plan to speak with The Blowfish. “The beautiful thing about online courses is the massive outreach. Whereas before, only those students sitting in the back row were able to masturbate in class, now nearly all online-registered students will know that luxury.” Goldstein continued, “How many times have you been in class, seen an attractive guy or girl, and felt aroused? This can be devastating to the learning process. As we all know, an unresolved boner can take minutes to resolve itself, during which time students are unfocused on their lectures. By partnering with 2U, a private online education company based in Maryland, we hope students will take advantage of the ability to rub one out, then get immediately back to the course material.” Some professors, however, are skeptical of this online learning initiative. Citing the importance of interpersonal contact in the learning process, Political Philosophy professor Daniel Rettner said, “I get it. You’re able to reach a massive amount of students with courses that previously only allowed a small handful of kids to masturbate in class. But what about the interpersonal contact? This completely removes the fun of guessing whether anyone is masturbating in my class!” Other professors said that this was simply a new manifestation of old problems. Whereas professors in the past were disrupted by the noises of texts, instant messages, and phone calls, they now find themselves plagued by the sounds of heavy breathing and exclamations to God. “At the start of every lecture I tell students to mute their microphones and get ahold of themselves. Wait--” said Rettner. Brandeis estimates that other universities across the world will soon follow suit, including schools in Assloss, Scotland; Blow-hard, Australia; and Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Major Opportunity

With the economy and the job market at an all-time low, students of Brandeis Uni-versity begin questioning the relevancy

of traditional majors. Logically speaking, the high-paying jobs are scarce. To introduce new majors, as a panel of students have proposed, would place Brandeis at the pinnacle of innovation. President Lawrence officially announced: “It is very forward-think-ing of the Brandeis population to implement new majors to match the tough economic times. This coming year, we will be introducing three new majors: Barista Studies, Kidnapping, Assembly Lines, and Creative Tumblr Writing.” These majors will be unique because they directly cater to the available jobs for college students. In the Barista major, the goal is to be a Barista at Starbucks. The intro class, “Cream or Sugar?” is a hands-on approach to the psychology of people in the morning before they have had their coffee. Prerequisites for the major include: “Shoo, go away homeless man 101” and “Patience with snobs (Lab)”. The student must exemplify the role of an ideal Barista by enjoying coffee and “truly appreciating” Maroon 5. A major in assembly lines is a popular one for students who see themselves enjoying monotonous labor. The department head, Profes-sor Henry Ford, comments, “It’s totally therapeutic.” Professor Ford is offering internships at his 52-acre Ford Factory located in Sommer-ville, Massachusetts which is unpaid but “basically pays for itself.” Another titillating major offered in the Fall of 2013, Creative Tum-blr Writing, is meant as more of a second major due to its recreational nature. The faculty is studded with Tumblr stars including the master-mind behind “What Should We Call Me”, who will be teaching a class in “Gif Appreciation”. In addition, a first year seminar will be offered called, “The Aesthetics of Facial Recognition”, taught by the esteemed Tumblrer behind “Lesbians That Look Like Justin Bieber”. This will be cross-listed for the minor Gender, Sexuality, and Queer studies. For those students who don’t foresee a future in factory work, Tumblr, or Coffee Making, don’t give up hope! There are other op-tions being discussed such as Carnival Worker, Marrying Rich, and Street Performer. The majors proposed as “Drug Dealer” and “Prosti-tute”, while relevant and probably useful, were ruled out by President Lawrence as “too traditional. Bottom line: the time is now to be what-ever you want to be, within reason. The idiomatic expression, “shoot for the stars” is outdated. Now, we can look forward to shooting for the middle class, because if we miss, at least we land among the poor. These new additions to the Brandeis education offer a more realistic future for 99% of our school.”

BY STACY MICHAELSONDoesn’t have any gum

The school’s online class option stimulates students’ imaginations

BY MARGARET COOKEReally needs a nap

The registrar introduces a new major in light of tough economic times

It’s a pretty well-known fact on campus that Brandeis students tend to experience awkward situa-tions fairly regularly. Brandeis wouldn’t be the same

without “awkward” preceding it. However, not all Brandeis students necessar-ily encounter these uncomfortable occurrences; sometimes, simply overhearing snippets at the most embarrassing points of conversations is enough for any undergraduate to facepalm. Most of these ridiculous phrases would be lost to the icy castle winds or the overwhelming clamor of Usdan had it not been for the creation of the Facebook group “Overheard at Brandeis”. Since its creation over a year ago, “Overheard at Brandeis” has been boom-ing with daily posts that make even the most mundane occurrences altogether confusing, painful, and most importantly, overwhelmingly hilarious. However, with the gradual influx of posts every day, the quality of the allegedly candid quotes has degraded to the point where people are just citing random conversa-tions, usually limited to Judaism and or the attractive inadequacy of the general Brandeis population. Many have lost faith in Overheard at Brandeis, but they still have their num-ber one fan. President Fred Lawrence is taking the initiative to not only keep Overheard alive, but to also make it better than it’s ever been. “Overheard at Brandeis is one of my favorite things on the internet. Ever. Which is why I hate to see all the most recent posts of the past few months be particularly unfunny,” President Lawrence recently told the Blowfish. “At this point, students are just quoting their friends, which is not only lame and uncreative, but it also means that they are not exploring beyond the boundaries of their friend group to catch just the best parts of the uncomfortable conversations that their peers are hav-ing around them! In other words, we’re missing all the good quotes out there! THEY NEED TO BE RECORDED!!” In what appears to be an act of futility, President Lawrence has announced a new campus-wide program called “Brandeis Overheard,” which will attempt to record literally every zany conversation and unremarkable occurrence through-out every semester. The program will entail the employment of hundreds of boom operators, cameramen, bugged agents, and scribes to record everything on campus, in class, dining halls, and even dorms. In addition, faculty, staff, and students will be required to wear small microphones and head-mounted cameras to capture every moment in two hour shifts. Funds for “Brandeis Overheard” will be charged onto the general Brandeis University tuition. Students have expressed concerns over privacy issues in the “Brandeis Over-heard” program, but President Lawrence has assured students, “We’re not spy-ing on you, we just want to hear and record how awkward this campus really is. Also, my doctor says I should laugh more.” When asked for his thoughts on the new program, undergraduate Patrick Clapp said, “I’m transferring. Seriously. It’s unreal. Was there a committee that met before they agreed on this program or something? I don’t even.”

BY TED JENSONLoves a good hand rub

It’s All On The RecordOne bold Facebook group attempts to document every

conversation at Brandeis

“Will this count towards my class participation?”

PAGE 4- P.S.

Across1. Edible viscera, of a pig or deer, e.g.7. Casey’s job14. Amounted (to)18. Cave19. Fox relative20. A family jewel21. Jubilance23. Not brief25. ___-tac-toe26. “Buenos ___”28. Silly trick29. Pass through a membrane30. Grand Lodge Convention attend-ees32. Half of Dicken’s title duo?34. Tokyo, formerly35. Flammable hydrocarbon36. Court wear38. Banking aid

40. ___ Today41. A dwarf’s condition43. Riskiest47. Beams48. Clock standard: Abbr.49. Arch50. Atomizer output52. Amazon, e.g.53. Grand ___ (“Evangeline” setting)55. A chorus line57. More sharp59. Kind of drive61. A bishop’s charge65. Adaptable truck, for short66. Like fans68. Var. of lift69. Calm71. Gun, as an engine72. Justin Bieber admirerer, e.g.75. Fills76. Conceive78. Andy’s radio partner79. A pint, maybe81. “___ boom bah!”82. Make, as a CD83. “___ we having fun yet?”84. Embrace86. Beethoven’s “Archduke ___”88. Medium

91. Biology95. Coal carrier96. Blight98. Academy Award99. Prison population102. Delivery vehicle103. Messy dresser105. Cough-syrup ingredient106. Capital of Mali107. Rather, informally109. Christmas season111. Finish, with “up”112. Cause of traffic jams115. St. Louis airport117. Broadcasting118. Feeler119. One hole under120. “___ Smile” (1976 hit)121. Bouquet of flowers122. Was a good dog, perhaps

Down1. An organ connected to the kidneys2. Sweet clover3. Ewood Park dwellers4. Affranchise5. “Idylls of the King” character6. Zeno, notably7. Dracula, at times8. “Mi chiamano Mimi,” e.g.9. Mechanical changes10. Skimpy swimwear brand11. Vowel marking12. Call to a mate13. “Smoking or ___?”14. It gives one pause15. Electrolysis particle16. Parsonage17. Halftime lead, e.g.20. Composer Mahler22. Water-loving nymph24. “El Capitan” composer27. Brandy cocktail31. Daniel Webster, e.g.33. Primordial matter35. Hide well37. Chester White’s home39. “C’___ la vie!”42. Clairvoyance, e.g.43. Alliance44. Australian runner45. “Friends,” e.g.46. African pests49. South African portch51. Ashes, e.g.52. Summed54. Anger

55. “Bye”56. Speech problem57. Death on the Nile cause, perhaps58. Wild, edible mushrooms59. West Indies native60. Obama’s second rival62. Partly-digested food63. Bindle bearer64. First name in tea67. A woman’s maiden name70. Least challenging73. Bust maker74. With excitement77. “___ calls?”80. “Yadda, yadda, yadda”83. Boosts84. ___ Master’s Voice85. Roswell sightings87. “Flying Down to ___”89. Tight collar?90. Accept91. Credit union’s activity92. 1988 Olympics site93. Kind of counter94. Burst forth96. Bounces97. Bronx Bomber99. It’s a part of life100. Hinder101. Sexy lips?104. Spills the beans106. Boys in the ‘hood107. Atlantic City attraction108. “___ and the King of Siam”110. Give off, as light113. Masefield play “The Tragedy of ___”114. Chipper116. Car accessory

FreestyleThis puzzle doesn’t have a theme, which means it can be anything you want it to be. Just like your college experience, midyears!

Solution to “Elections Turn Us Into Monsters”

The Graveyard ShiftRight now, President Fred Lawrence is about to be served the worst coffee he will ever drink. I’m hun-dreds of pages behind in my IR readings, and I think

my lazy co-worker may be responsible for both. I’m bagel maker Jack Flour, and this is the longest shift of my life.

2:54 AM: Got to work for my shift earlier than anticipated. I couldn’t sleep well last night. I never can these days. It’s not an easy job, working for Einstein’s. But somebody’s got to do it. You work tire-lessly and never get the proper thanks for it. But people love their shmear, especially Brandeis students.

4:15 AM: Went to stock the bagels when I saw Chris, the coffee boy, in the back room talking with a non-employee. Looked like somebody on FBoard. They went silent when I got close, but I wasn’t there for long anyways. ‘Probably nothing important,’ I thought at the time. Little did I know how wrong I would be.

6:51 AM: The regular customers begin to show up. Happy to serve warm bagels and some Darn Good Coffee for fellow Brandeisans. Anything to keep this beauti-ful campus going.

7:48 AM: Word around management is that we’re supposed to be getting a major guest today. Somebody as major as President Lawrence. I’m awestruck. Chris goes silent like the way he did in the stockroom. Probably just sleep deprived. 9:30 AM: Chris suddenly has to leave his shift for ‘an emergency’ and asks me to cover him. I’m supposed to be out by 10. I’ve got a lot class work to catch up on. And do I mean a lot of class work. It’s sometimes difficult to balance an Ein-stein’s career and a normal life. But Einstein’s needs me. I take the shift for my

‘coworker.’

10:15 AM: It’s official: the President is paying us a visit for a nice cup o’ joe. Within minutes, so they say. We’re down one worker, but if there’s anyone that should be for this shift it’s me. The lines are almost overwhelming. Almost.

10:26 AM: He’s here. President Frederick Law-rence, our true leader, has graced us with his pres-ence. I helm the register, almost giddy. A Tribeca Blend, he orders. The cup’s filled, but with my loose nerves some spills onto my hands. Get ahold of yourself, Flour. But I continue the hand-off. I’m not afraid to get my hands burnt. But that’s the problem: this coffee’s cold. I just handed President Lawrence a cold cup of coffee that was supposed to be piping hot, freshly brewed this morning. And then it all makes sense: The FBoard member, Chris’s departure, the cold coffee. FBoard wanted Lawrence to have a bad Einstein’s experience so that they could close us down. They got Chris to brew a bad blend of Lawrence’s favorite blend, and then he was out of here. President Lawrence would have a Darn Bad Coffee, Einstein’s would be shut down, FBoard would win, and Brandeis would never be the same. And this was all hap-pening before me. But I could stop it. In the only way I could think of. ‘Get down, Mr. President!’ We hit the ground, the terrorist coffee neutralized. The lines go silent, but they somehow know what

has happened. I help the President to his feet, bring him a proper Einstein’s brew, and he leaves satisfied. And I’m satisfied too, knowing that FBoard didn’t have their way and that Einstein’s Bagels will live to see another day.

You may not know me, but I know you, if only in passing. I serve your french roast blends, your shmear-stuffed cinnamon bagels, your overwhelming blueberry muffins. I may appear to you as an experienced Einstein’s employee, but I’m just like you, a Brandeis student working to get through that next class. Trying to reach the weekend. My name is Jack Flour, and I’ll be here to keep Einstein’s alive and well.

One man must handle the responsibilities that come with Einstein’s new hours

BY LANCE LOMBARDOTook the last Hot Pocket

“You’re about to get toasted!”