VOL. 98 ISSUE 18

“ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT”

“ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT”

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 4102

New No-shave Policy To Start Spring Quarter

WWU Sending Student Missionaries to Whitman College

Housing Policy Changes

By LESTER BIGGS

By LAUREN LEWIS

By SAVANNAH KISLING

FREE

Collegianthe

After long deliberations, Walla Walla University has initiated a new no-shave policy for female students as of Spring Quarter 2014.

This recently added policy, promoted by Campus Health and Plant Services, was developed as a part of the school’s student handbook after a study showed that leg hair growth is healthy and helps to maintain focus of students. Female students were caught off guard, especially now that they are able to shed their winter layers for their summer wares.

WWU will be sending student missionaries to Whitman College beginning Spring Quarter of 2014.

Recently, Logan Villarreal and other WWU students visited Whitman campus and found mounds of pepper, a lack of haystacks, no FriChik, revulsion to Worthington Big Franks, and a folk dance club. After witnessing such atrocities, they felt that Whitman College should be added as a missionary call.

Initially, the Chaplain’s office was timid to add the college as a missionary appointment, but after Timmy Oliver, founder of Global Gluten, a world-wide, non-profit, veggie-meat distribution program, found beef and

The housing policy regarding off-campus eligibility for students is changing following a review by the Board of Trustees and the executive committee, and big changes are coming to the housing structures on campus. This is expected to be welcome news for many students currently living in the campus’ residence halls.

The current rules for off-campus eligibility are: 22 years of age, 136 credit hours, single parent, married, or living with a close relative. The new changes in policy, to take effect Fall Quarter

“Are you serious? There is no way I am walking around campus looking like bigfoot! This is very unfair. I don’t think that this should even be up for discussion. Unshaved legs are gross,” said junior Katie Sweezey.

This new initiative has many female students wondering how the topic came up and what the purpose of it is. The issue came under discussion after many staff and faculty noticed a drop in female classroom attendance during spring quarter because of unshaved legs and the fear of being seen, as well as the long lines in the bathroom as ladies shave their legs in preparation for classes.

salmon in the Whitman College cafeteria, the college was immediately listed. “Whitman is lacking Adventist gastronomical glories, such as gluten, and we want to bring their stomachs some spirituality,” said future Whitman SM and WWU student Karl Wallenkampf.

Little Links lover, WWU student, and future Whitman missionary, Heidi Spady has always dreamed of bringing Whitman College to the WWU student missions program! “Without WWU SMs how will Whitman students understand that you can never have too much Special-K loaf?” said Spady.

Student missionaries will begin immersing themselves in the Whitman culture. Amanda Bietz, a future Whitman College missionary, has told The Collegian that she will dreadlock her hair, only wear hemp clothing, and

2014, will make it easier for those younger and having spent less time in college to have more housing options.

“Young adults today are more responsible than their parents, or even their grandparents, were. As an institution, we are finally recognizing that,” said Dr. David Richardson, vice president of student life. “The students have been proving themselves for years, and now we’ve come to a great compromise!”

The new policy states that students may now move off campus the quarter the student turns 19 or after they have achieved 32 credit hours.This means that Spring Quarter of freshman

Plant Services noted the clogging of shower drain pipes and the complaints from freezing female students in classes during Spring Quarter. They also believe that the new policy will help to spread equality for all females, whether they believe in shaving or not.

Many females believe that the policy is a good thing because it will help lessen all of the cuts and costs of getting sought-after brands of leg razors.

“I think it’s a great thing! I mean, I don’t do it all the time and I have actually saved some money

no longer shave her legs to blend in. Dane Fritzsche is studying “Greek,” or fraternity vernacular, to familiarize himself to his new living quarters in the fraternity Beta Feta Pie as an SM. “They say, ‘bro’ a lot, right?” asked Fritzche.

After full cultural immersion, student missionaries will organize week-long evangelistic meetings. Meeting series includes: What is vespers? — How to Vespers Date — How to Nap on Sabbath — Contra Dancing Only! — How to Make Tater-tot Casserole and Other Adventist Favorites — Gracefully Sliding on Laminated Church Pews — Taco Salad vs. Haystacks — How to Clap in Rhythm to a Praise Song — Gastrointestinal Acclimatization to Mass Amounts of Soy and Cheese Products.

year, many students will be looking to move out of the dorm.

With almost the entire student body eligible and looking to move into apartments and houses, the university has plans to accommodate the growing numbers by creating additional housing and by increasing capacity of current housing to up to 6 students per apartment unit and up to 8 in houses.

“Students don’t need a lot of space, we have found that they study predominantly in common areas. So our thought is to make their apartments and houses into simply places to sleep and through integration, transform one of the old residence halls into a student union building,” President John McVay said. “In addition to that, the permits are currently being processed for the brand-new student

Cashmere is in this season.Goats prepare mentally.

Conclusive evidence shows that cell phone

radiation causes cancer!This generation more

stupider than ever.

Construction workers discover Kellogg Hall was built over nuclear

waste facility.Students noticing

a radiant glow.

This thumbs-up icon is scratch and sniff.

Prize for anyone who can name the scent.

Advanced hipster studies show that wearing glasses

makes you smarter and increases swag levels.

Glasses are the antidote to cell phones, apparently.

This thumbs-down icon is a wireless transmitter.

Be careful what you say. We’re listening.

🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙆🙆:👸👸👸Do 👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭

I 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅👉👉👸👸🙅🙅👸👸👉👉👸👸

👸👸👉👉👸👸👸👸 👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭 💟💟But 📅📅📅📅📅📅 I 🙏🙏👸👸🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏📐 Do👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 It❌✋📐📐

👸👸:😠😠👉👉😠📐 ⛔📐🚫🚫📅📅:😣😣...👋👋

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙋🙋: Do👸👸👉👉wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 Or 🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲 💁💁💁💁👭👭💁📐💁📐

🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆📐🙆🙆🙆🙆 💁💁:💪💪💪💪💪💪📅📅👉👉🙍🙍🙍🙍 All🌀🌀🌀🌀🚲🚲🙏🙏🙅🙅🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎 ⏰⏳💁📐💁📐💤💤

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 👑👑👑👑👑👑👉👉👸👸👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑📐👑📐👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

📅📅🙍🙍: 👸👸👸🙏🙏

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙆🙆:👸👸👸Do 👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭

I 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅👉👉👸👸🙅🙅👸👸👉👉👸👸

👸👸👉👉👸👸👸👸 👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭 💟💟But 📅📅📅📅📅📅 I 🙏🙏👸👸🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏📐 Do👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 It❌✋📐📐

👸👸:😠😠👉👉😠📐 ⛔📐🚫🚫📅📅:😣😣...👋👋

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙋🙋: Do👸👸👉👉wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 Or 🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲 💁💁💁💁👭👭💁📐💁📐

🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆📐🙆🙆🙆🙆 💁💁:💪💪💪💪💪💪📅📅👉👉🙍🙍🙍🙍 All🌀🌀🌀🌀🚲🚲🙏🙏🙅🙅🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎 ⏰⏳💁📐💁📐💤💤

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 👑👑👑👑👑👑👉👉👸👸👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑📐👑📐👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

📅📅🙍🙍: 👸👸👸🙏🙏

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙆🙆:👸👸👸Do 👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭

I 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅👉👉👸👸🙅🙅👸👸👉👉👸👸

👸👸👉👉👸👸👸👸 👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭 💟💟But 📅📅📅📅📅📅 I 🙏🙏👸👸🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏📐 Do👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 It❌✋📐📐

👸👸:😠😠👉👉😠📐 ⛔📐🚫🚫📅📅:😣😣...👋👋

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙋🙋: Do👸👸👉👉wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 Or 🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲 💁💁💁💁👭👭💁📐💁📐

🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆📐🙆🙆🙆🙆 💁💁:💪💪💪💪💪💪📅📅👉👉🙍🙍🙍🙍 All🌀🌀🌀🌀🚲🚲🙏🙏🙅🙅🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎 ⏰⏳💁📐💁📐💤💤

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 👑👑👑👑👑👑👉👉👸👸👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑📐👑📐👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

📅📅🙍🙍: 👸👸👸🙏🙏

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙆🙆:👸👸👸Do 👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭

I 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅👉👉👸👸🙅🙅👸👸👉👉👸👸

👸👸👉👉👸👸👸👸 👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭 💟💟But 📅📅📅📅📅📅 I 🙏🙏👸👸🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏📐 Do👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 It❌✋📐📐

👸👸:😠😠👉👉😠📐 ⛔📐🚫🚫📅📅:😣😣...👋👋

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙋🙋: Do👸👸👉👉wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 Or 🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲 💁💁💁💁👭👭💁📐💁📐

🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆📐🙆🙆🙆🙆 💁💁:💪💪💪💪💪💪📅📅👉👉🙍🙍🙍🙍 All🌀🌀🌀🌀🚲🚲🙏🙏🙅🙅🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎 ⏰⏳💁📐💁📐💤💤

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 👑👑👑👑👑👑👉👉👸👸👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑📐👑📐👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

📅📅🙍🙍: 👸👸👸🙏🙏

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙆🙆:👸👸👸Do 👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭👭

I 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅👉👉👸👸🙅🙅👸👸👉👉👸👸

👸👸👉👉👸👸👸👸 👭👭👉👉👭👭👭👭 💟💟But 📅📅📅📅📅📅 I 🙏🙏👸👸🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏📐 Do👉👉👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 It❌✋📐📐

👸👸:😠😠👉👉😠📐 ⛔📐🚫🚫📅📅:😣😣...👋👋

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙋🙋: Do👸👸👉👉wanna📐📐📐📐📐📐 Or 🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲🚲 💁💁💁💁👭👭💁📐💁📐

🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆🙆📐🙆🙆🙆🙆 💁💁:💪💪💪💪💪💪📅📅👉👉🙍🙍🙍🙍 All🌀🌀🌀🌀🚲🚲🙏🙏🙅🙅🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎🙎 ⏰⏳💁📐💁📐💤💤

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 👑👑👑👑👑👑👉👉👸👸👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑📐👑📐👑📐👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

📅📅🙍🙍: 👸👸👸🙏🙏

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙍🙍🙍🙍: 👸👸👸👸👸🙎🙎🙎🙎👸👸🙎🙎🙎🙎

👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👸👲👲👲👸👸👲👲👲👲👲👲👸 👥👥: 🙍🙍🙎🙎🙍🙍 😔😔 🙍🙍🙍🙍....😞😞 🙍🙍🙍🙍🙎🙎🙎🙎👸👸🙍🙍 Just👐👐🙎🙎🙎🙎👐👐🙎🙎 👭👭...👸👸👸🙎🙎 👸 👭👭 gonna 🙇🙇👸🙇🙇🙇🙇 Do 👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐👲👸

❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲

👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

🙍🙍🙍🙍: 👸👸👸👸👸🙎🙎🙎🙎👸👸🙎🙎🙎🙎

👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👲👸👲👲👲👸👸👲👲👲👲👲👲👸 👥👥: 🙍🙍🙎🙎🙍🙍 😔😔 🙍🙍🙍🙍....😞😞 🙍🙍🙍🙍🙎🙎🙎🙎👸👸🙍🙍 Just👐👐🙎🙎🙎🙎👐👐🙎🙎 👭👭...👸👸👸🙎🙎 👸 👭👭 gonna 🙇🙇👸🙇🙇🙇🙇 Do 👸👸wanna📐📐📐📐📐👲👸

❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲❄👲

in the process. I would also like everyone to know that it’s not as easy as it looks to shave your legs, and those cuts are very painful,” said junior Kari Gomez.

With this new policy, it seems like many female students will be covering up year-round to hide their unshaved legs. There is hope that this new policy will keep the focus on school work rather than on having perfect legs for spring!

campground! This is a big step for growth and opportunity of Walla Walla University.”

The plans are now to open up Roger’s field for those more adventurous students to set up their tents and live out in the open air on campus. The city of College Place is working on adjusting their ordinances to allow this to be legal. By the end of the 2015–2016 school year, McVay said he hopes to start converting the Conard/Meske residence hall into a student union building.

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COLLEGIAN WISDOM

Club Spotlight: DomestiqueBy KATHERINE PEKAR

For the past ten weeks, activists Abigail Wissink, Madeleine Boyson, and Brooklynn Larson have been creating quite a stir with their new campus approved club, Domestique. The club, which is designed to promote the traditional role of women in the home and family, is uniting women from all spiritual and racial backgrounds in the common purpose of caring for their husbands and children. As the club sponsor Kellie Bond has stated, “The club’s purpose is to prepare women for their true calling — marriage and motherhood.”

Angelica Davenport says she wants to get away. “On campus, it’s just so hard to study. I can’t focus when I’m surrounded by so many people I know.” Davenport, a junior philosophy major at Whitman College, has abandoned her school’s library. She instead chooses to study at the Peterson Memorial Library, located on the campus of Walla Walla University.

Davenport is one of several hundred Whitman students that have been seen in Peterson Memorial in recent months. Desk worker Tasha Bernard says, “Last year, I recognized almost every student who came in. They were all from Walla Walla University. But recently, I’ve been seeing more and more students with attributes of Whitman students.” 1

Davenport and hundreds of students like her have been coming to the WWU campus to escape their own library. She described Whitman’s library, Penrose, as, “Too modern, too convenient, and too airy.”

Unfortunately, this influx has created some issues for Whitman students. Walter Kennedy, a sophomore, complained that the Walla Walla library has become too popular with his peers. “I started coming here to avoid seeing people I know, but lately I run into three or four classmates every time I come. It’s almost as bad as using Whitman’s library.”

James Yeats, a local trends analyst and vagabond, suggests that the reasons for Whitman students visiting the library are twofold. “First, Whitties likely enjoy the new renovations at Peterson Memorial. Penrose was completely renovated in 2000, but WWU’s library has been undergoing renovations more recently. Secondly, Whitman students likely enjoy the experience of being around a conservative school. Whitman has a reputation as a liberal school, and many students may find that stifling.”

The influx of non-WWU students has inspired mixed reactions, with some students complaining about the lack of outlets and beanbag chairs. But Judd “lovesac” Wheeler, Peterson Memorial’s director of expansion, is happy to have more traffic in the library.

“The library has always wanted to serve not only WWU students, but anyone with a desire to learn.”

1. I can’t think of any attributes right now.

The club leaders maintain that Walla Walla University has lost sight of God’s calling for women, encouraging both long-term careers and church leadership positions. The club counters this idea by suggesting that women attend the university not to improve their own lives, but to improve their future husband’s. However, this doesn’t mean the club denounces education. Larson says, “It’s not that we want women to stop pursuing their educations. After all, I’m here at Walla Walla pursuing a degree, which will someday help me provide an intellectually stimulating environment for my husband and children.”

The club also adamantly denounces women’s ordination. In the latest edition of their newsletter, “The Goodwife,” Wissink cited Mark Driscoll, writing, “Despite his overtly nondenominational influence, some of his statements on women really resonate with a literal interpretation of scripture. Driscoll states that, ‘Without blushing, Paul is simply stating that when it comes to leading in

the church, women are unfit because they are more gullible and easier to deceive than men.’” Wissink claims that, as scriptural literalists, “traditional women can clearly find common ground with this assessment.” 1

The club also sponsors a weekly tea, where the women of Domestique gather to promote club agendas and encourage one another. Boyson says this is the club’s most important role: “Really, we just want to provide a safe space. I know so many feminist women out to destroy women’s sacred role as a helpmate. They claim a woman can be anything she wants — anything but a wife and mother. Our club provides a place where traditional Christian women can speak openly without fear of condemnation.”

For any women desiring more information on the weekly teas or the newsletter, please email futuresdamoms@gmail.com.

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 41022 NEWS

WWU Library Experiences Influx of Whitman StudentsBy BRANDON TORKELSEN

On January 14 of this year, Tony Palmer, an Anglican Episcopal Communion bishop of the Celtic Anglican tradition, made an iPhone video with his friend, encouraging Protestant Evangelicals (especially Charismatics) to reunite with the Catholic Church (CNA/EWTN NEWS). The video features Palmer’s friend, Pope Francis, the Vicar of Christ, urging non-Catholics to return to their “brother” just as Joseph’s traitorous brothers reunited with him in Egypt so they could eat (Copeland 2014, 35:05).

Many Adventists are excited to follow the Supreme Pontiff’s call to spiritual conformity. Spectrum Magazine’s André Reis has been on board since Pope Francis’ Nov. 26, 2013 statement that some church customs no longer have relevance in people’s lives. “I was struck by how his vision for the Catholic Church is so relevant and applicable to the Adventist Church,” said Reis in his article titled “Pope Francis’ Message to the SDA Church.” Reis continues, “Ironically, the infamous ‘kingly power’ of beastly religious leadership seems to apply less and less to the Catholic Church and more and more to those who fiercely criticize it” (Reis). Of course, some straggling Adventists continue to criticize the so-called “beast power.”

In Palmer’s iPod video, Pope Francis likened Protestants and Catholics to a divorced or separated family, saying, “It’s sin that has separated us, all our sins. The misunderstandings throughout history. It has been a long road of sins that we all shared in. Who is to blame?” (Copeland 2014, 33:52). The biggest misunderstanding in history being the Protestant Reformation, in which several textual scholars such as John Wycliffe, William Tyndale, and Martin Luther tried to indoctrinate the masses with quaint ideas like salvation by the faith of Christ, and sola scriptura.

The Catholic Church furthered this separation with an unexpected inquisition.

The Blessed Father says, “I am nostalgic [yearning], that this separation come to an end and gives us communion” (Copeland 2014, 34:45).

Protestants around the world are eager to put aside their prejudices and prophesies in the name of unconditional love and surrender. We will witness the making of a brave new world as Protestants join His Holiness, the Pope, in his great hope: “And let’s pray to the Lord that he unites us all. Come on, we are brothers, let’s give each other a spiritual hug and let God complete the work that he has begun” (Copeland 2014, 37:40).

CNA/EWTN NEWS. “Daily News.” ‘We Are Broth-ers,’ Pope Declares in Heartfelt Message to Pentecostals. National Catholic Register, 26 Feb. 2014. Web. Accessed March 27, 2014. <https://www.ncregister.com/dai-ly-news/we-are-brothers-pope-declares-in-heartfelt-mes-sage-to-pentecostals/>.

Copeland, Kenneth. 2014. “Pope Francis Sends Vid-eo Message to Kenneth Copeland - Lets Unite” (video). Accessed March 27, 2014. <http://youtu.be/uA4EPOfi-c5A>.

Reis, André. “Pope Francis’ Message to the SDA Church.” Spectrum Magazine. N.p., 26 Nov. 2013. Web. Ac-cessed March 28, 2014. <http://spectrummagazine.org/blog/2013/11/26/pope-francis%E2%80%99-message-sda-church>.

Protestants to End Protest

By CARLTON HENKES

Pills of PotentialBy ANDREW WOODRUFF

Pharmaceutical and psychological studies have both spent years trying to understand the placebo pill, yet Cliff Norton of North Dakota has spent his time commercializing it. Cliff’s store, Opportunity, sells placebo pills, just placebo pills. Interviewing him via Skype I knew my first question.

“So your whole inventory is just sugar pills?”

“Well, I can’t say exactly. Could be nothing, could be something. I mean, take for instance, our caffeine placebo. You’re probably going to feel more awake, but you also might not feel anything. Do ya see? It’s up to you there, buddy?” Cliff chuckled amiably across my Ethernet cable and into my living room.

“And people really buy these pills?” I really couldn’t believe there would be much of a market for these pills. “People pay for a pill full of nothing?”

“Well it’s only full of nothing if you want it to be nothing, y’see?” Cliff flashed his pearly whites. “Could be something there ... Could make you feel like yourself. Suddenly all your symptoms are going away. Aches, pains, stiffness, you name it. Gone! Poof!” he makes a show of it, like a magician with a magic wand.

“Hmm, I’m intrigued Cliff. Could you show me the store really quick?” I was curious to see what a store full of placebo pills looks like. As he turned the laptop in a full 360 I got my glimpse of the shop. Each small aisle had a sign above it like “Allergies” or “Arthritis.” I especially enjoyed the neurological section which included signs like “Memorization” and “Motivation.” Yet all of the bottles were identical about 8 inches high, plain white and with no labels.

Customers bustled from aisle to aisle, some with shopping carts. Cliff turned the laptop back on his face and smiled proudly. “You see kid, people find what they want to find. When we were young they called it imagination. We got older and people started calling it ignorance. Whatever it is, I just chose to monetize it. Ignorance is bliss, son. Ignorance is bliss.”

Our Skype call ended soon after and I found myself ordering some placebos of my own from Opportunity’s newly established free-shipping website. Lately, I’ve been having some back pain and trouble with ambition. Nothing that a good placebo pill couldn’t help.

Tom Thompson To Be President

and Senior PastorBy REBECCA WILLIAMS

Many students were sad to learn of Professor Tom Thompson’s retirement, effective at the end of Fall Quarter 2013. Dr. Thompson spent over 40 years teaching mathematics at Walla Walla University, warming the hearts and minds of generations of eager students with his unique approach to education. In December of 2013, the students of the math, engineering, and physics departments waved a tearful goodbye to Tom Thompson as he scootered off into his vacation.

As of Tuesday, however, Tom Thompson will be returning to Walla Walla University in a new capacity, replacing John McVay and Alex Bryan as president and senior pastor of the university and University Church, respectively.

This news may be surprising to some, considering the fact that Dr. McVay returned to the presidency only recently, and that Alex Bryan has not yet resumed his pastorship. However, considering the incident that caused Doctors McVay and Bryan’s resignations, Professor Thompson’s return is not all that odd.

According to McVay and Bryan, their sudden resignations were motivated by an incident with a well-known local gang, who call themselves the Motorcycle Mathematicians. In an interview with Doctors McVay and

Bryan, they stated that, on their way to a top-secret administrative meeting, they were ambushed by these so-called Motorcycle Mathematicians. The gang gave them an ultimatum they were unable to meet: either they would solve a proposed equation, or they would step down from their positions as president and senior pastor of Walla Walla University, giving the positions to someone of the gang’s choosing. Notorious for their difficult equations, the Motorcycle Mathematicians were able to stump former President McVay and Pastor Bryan with a double discontinuous-advanced-nonlinear-fourier-prime-sine-integration doozy. As a result, both leaders have stepped down.

After the incident, Bryan and McVay went to the College Place Police Department. However, each gang member was disguised in some way or another, so the two victims could not identify any of them on the number line. The only peculiarity they could recall was that the leader of the gang was been wearing Birkenstock sandals with black socks and looked somewhat Amish. However, despite this information, the C.P.P.D has been thwarted by the Motorcycle Mathematicians once again.

Incoming President and Pastor Thompson was unavailable for comment.

1. http://www.dennyburk.com/mark-driscoll-on-women-in-ministry-2/

April 4th at 5 pmFundraising - To Build A Home

At The WWVA Fire Pit

Hot Dogs: y2 eachDrinks: y1 each

Sponsored By: CABL L Biology Club

BBQ L Bonfire

June 16-18

SwiftxWater Rescue Technician 4SRTxv5 Course

Based at Big Lake Youth CampD sistersD OR

Certified by Rescue P International

3&jA includes Lodging and Meals 4Dryxsuit rental extra5

Who should attend these Trainings?

xFuture Outdoor Adventure Trip leaders for WWU 4Contact us to apply5

xOutdoor Adventure Programming Staff for Summer Camps

xInterested Students or Faculty l Community members who need the training or just want

to have a good time learning cool stuffO

Special discounts for individuals who will commit to leading Outdoor Trips for WWUO

Summer Camp Staff@ Check with your Director to see if they will sponsor youO

Limited Space! Book now!

For More information callFtext Doug Brown jA9?j&A?9Ajj or email dougabrown@gmail?com

outdoors

SRT-1June 16-18

SwiftxWater Rescue Technician 4SRTxv5 Course

Based at Big Lake Youth CampD sistersD OR

Certified by Rescue P International

3&jA includes Lodging and Meals 4Dryxsuit rental extra5

Who should attend these Trainings?

xFuture Outdoor Adventure Trip leaders for WWU 4Contact us to apply5

xOutdoor Adventure Programming Staff for Summer Camps

xInterested Students or Faculty l Community members who need the training or just want

to have a good time learning cool stuffO

Special discounts for individuals who will commit to leading Outdoor Trips for WWUO

Summer Camp Staff@ Check with your Director to see if they will sponsor youO

Limited Space! Book now!

For More information callFtext Doug Brown jA9?j&A?9Ajj or email dougabrown@gmail?com

outdoors

SRT-1

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 41023 BRIEFING/CALENDAR

320,000,000 B.C.Angelic Prophet Predicts Coming of The Collegian.

0 A.C. (After Collegian)The Collegian Delivered to Walla Walla by Local Stork Service

1492The Collegian Sails the Ocean Blue

15841583 Stricken from the Record

1644 Collegian founder O. Well Barters Used Bushel of Wheat for Antique Printing Press

1893 Man Meets Future Wife in Class at WWC

1945 The Collegian Forecasts 50 years of Nuclear Paranoia

2003 G.W. Bush Nominates The Collegian to Supreme Court

2005Local Councilperson Vomits Into NPR Tote after Cinnamon Challange

2006News Editor Begins to Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous

2007Idiot Posts Comment on Internet

2010New Copy Editor Narrowly Saves Publication from Demise by Editing An Bad Typo

2014Poop Jokes Can't be Used Anymore

A BRIEF TIMELINE OF THE COLLEGIAN IN WORLD HISTORY

ASWWU Introduces New Line of Scents - “Jono’s dirty secret” a local favorite

“As I have often noted, the most dynamic, damaging, and influential religion of the past hundred years has been Elvis’ hips.”

— Dean Reprings, ugly pundit and irresponsible historian.

“Jesus got his start by turning water into grape juice, so the natural next step is to turn wine into grape juice.”

— Numar Boos, recent Walla Walla grad, on his newest project

(see p.7 for the full story).

“Well, that’s definitely brown and sticky.”

— Former President Teddy Roosevelt, on big sticks.

“Ew.” — Jimmy Fallon, on everything.

“Ukraine? No. Mykraine.” — Putin, on imperialism.

“My next big documentary goes beyond what Weeds did; I’m looking at how well intravenous heroin combined with meth and cocaine helps kids with low self-esteem.”

— Gansay Loopta, BLTNEWS medical corre-spondent, on his upcoming documentary Courage.

Undergrads: Last day to add, drop or

withdraw from a class

CABL Park & HikeU-Shop Parking Lot

2 p.m.Nursing Home Outreach

U-Shop Parking Lot2:30 p.m.

3 apr Thursday

ASWWU Fundraising BBQ & Bonfire

WWVA Firepit5 p.m.

VespersSpeaker: Marilee Pierce Dunker

8 p.m.

4 apr Friday 5 apr Saturday

University Days Continues(April 6–8)

World Health Day

7 apr Monday

Areopagus: “Did God Kiss Dating Goodbye?”

Prayer House7 p.m.

Draw a Picture of a Bird Day

8 apr Tuesday Wednesday

week in forecasta calendar you can trust

Winston Churchill Day

66° 41° 59° 41° 63° 39°

73° 45° 77° 48°

#THECOLLEGIAN

@sam_mattson19

@olsoda

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@riverbdavis

@jacjacattack32

Tri-College Service DayKretschmar Field

9 a.m.Mega Tournament

WEC Gym7 p.m.

PRISM ConcertU Church

9 p.m.

6 apr Sunday66° 43°

9 apr 72° 43°

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 41024 SNAPSHOTS

photo by erick juarez

photo by erick juarezphoto by erick juarez

photo by erick juarez

photo by erick juarezphoto by carlton henkes

photo by carlton henkes

photo by janelle aguilera

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Collegian Editor-in-Chief

Atlas Manager

Executive Secretary

Fundraising Manager

Photo Editor

Outdoors Manager

Head Video Editor

Tread Shed Manager

Head Webmaster

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Mask Editor

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ART 455: Selfies: The Art of Self-portraiture

BIOL 495: Origin and Speciation of the Unicorn

CHEM 273: The Chemistry of Coffee

ENGL 360: Twitter: Self Expression in 140 Characters or Less

ENGR 457: Punkin Chunkin: Trebuchets & Catapults

MUHL 242: Dubstep: From S. London to Skrillex to Coachella

PHYS 103: Quidditch Theory and Practice

RELG 200: Spiritual Deformation & Anti-meditation*

RELH 223: Cruising into Scientology*

RELT 349: Gingers: the Nature of Soullessness*

SOCI 324: Social Conflict Theory in the Hunger Games

SOWK 400: Group Therapy in Upside-down Underwater Basket Weaving*

Will Jesus Save the Gingers?

FACT OR FICTION? 300: Rise of an Empire

CLASS IT UP THIS FALL WITH NEW

COURSES

McDonald’s Introduces The “McVay”

Albus Dumbledore Elected Headmaster of WWU

By JOHN LUBKE

By JON MACK

By COLIN CREEVEY

It’s a common belief in our modern society that gingers do not have souls. Dr. Eric Cartman, in an academic study conducted in late 2005 by renowned scientists, traced the origins of gingers to a relatively common genetic disease called gingervitus, which expresses itself with the ginger traits we’re all familiar with: red hair, light sensitivity, abundant freckles, and an overactive disposition for general nerdiness. The error in the study, however, was the concept that the origin of the disease was caused by the absence of a soul — a void which was passed down family lines.

We all know that gingervitus is a very real condition, endured my many people today — but where does it come from? Is there an error in our study of its origin that has proliferated this idea of soullessness? To address the issue, we must turn to scripture, where we find the creation of gingers.

Last week, in an attempt to tailor their menu to local customers, McDonald’s locations in Walla Walla introduced a new menu item called “The McVay.” The new, tantalizing sandwich is named in honor of one of the Walla Walla Valley’s most recognizable figures, Walla Walla University President John McVay.

In a magical turn of events, after a bit of confusion with the Floo network and several misplaced portkeys, we have received confirmation via owl that Albus Dumbledore has been elected to serve as Headmaster of WWU. Of course, many muggles have noted that this is a brand new position here at our school, so we at The Collegian thought it’d be good to share a few of the specific tasks that Dumbledore will be overseeing to augment our programs.

In the missions department, Dumbledore will be alleviating our travel upsets by working with the Ministry to develop a muggle-compatible Floo network in order to transport missionaries and support to far away places instantly. Dumbledore will be meeting with Obama to negotiate how this will affect visas,

In the ninth chapter of Genesis, we read that Noah had a little too much holy wine, and passed out naked in his tent. Ham went in to the tent and thought it was totally hilarious — and in what seemed to be the ancient version of Snapchat, quickly went to get his brothers to share the laugh. Ham’s unfortunate folly, however, was his ill-placed sense of humor. His brothers came over and averted their eyes and covered Noah. When Noah woke up, fairly hung over, Ham’s brothers totally ratted on him, and Noah cursed Ham.

In study of the cultural background of the Hebrew name “Ham,” we find that it means “burnt,” and is cause for a deeper reading of the curse placed upon Noah’s son. Hair red like fire; skin burnt easily in the sunlight; arms speckled with unsightly sun spots; a man made subservient to his older brothers? A clear reading easily leads us to no other conclusion. The curse of Noah upon Ham was simple: Ham became the Earth’s first ginger.

The breakfast version of the McVay sandwich will consist of an English muffin, a MorningStar Farms’ sausage patty, soy cheese, and fried egg whites, accompanied by a warm cup of Roma when purchased as part of a Meal Deal.

Tuesday, McDonald’s of Walla Walla hosted a grand-opening event at their location on S 9th Ave. McVay was formally invited to be the first to test his signature sandwich, and he brought Steve Rose, financial VP, along

but this should greatly assist our already-wonderful missions program.

For the biology department, Albus has called in favors from Professor Sprout and Rubeus Hagrid, who have agreed to teach alongside

our biology professors for the summer program at Rosario. Professor Sprout will be helping our students see magical elements in the currently observed marine plant life, and will introduce several subspecies currently unknown to muggles. Hagrid, in like mind, has agreed to take several divers out to open

Now, the cursed nature in those days came with fairly heavy bullying. Ham’s brothers never let him forget it, and eluded many times that since he was cursed, he must not have a soul — a way of expressing his subservience. But does this tradition of bullying mean that gingers are doomed to not be saved? I don’t believe so. Let me explain.

Jesus came into the world to bring salvation and redemption and eternal life. While Jesus was on Earth, he made subtle allusions to the salvation of gingers. When saying that he would make sin “white as snow,” He was ascribing positive, redemptive value to the complexion of the gingers. Even in the Old Testament, when God appears to save his people from Egypt, he appears to Moses first as a burning bush — another clear connection to God forecasting his intention to redeem all people — even gingers.

to test out the new creation. After McVay tasted his delicious namesake, he stated, “It is a testament to Walla Walla University and Adventism that a national fast food chain has gone out of its way to honor its community leaders and the Adventist church.” Rose wiped some vegenaise off his face and added, “I’m Lovin’ It.”

During the media event, McDonald’s representatives stated that they wanted to not only honor McVay, but also to honor

waters to assist in learning communication patterns used among aquatic mammals. Hagrid specialized with orcas, but given the fact that they are apex predators relative to the average muggle, Dumbledore has directed Hagrid to start with sea otter communication first.

Finally, our social work department is excited to be working with Dumbledore to establish connections with the Ministry of Magic, where they will be able to augment their Master’s program to include instruction on dealing with the dynamics of wizard/muggle relations.

We have great expectations for our new Headmaster, and are eager to see what new possibilities this new community can bring. We can only hope that his term is not short lived.

Today, we’re faced with a societal norm that alienates an entire group of people. Gingers may have been cursed by Noah, but we all bear our own curses. And we all have souls worth saving, as God has clearly shown us in his examples. Some of us today still bear the marks of our sins: Some of us have to wake up every day and see our own red hair in the mirror and live in constant fear of the sun. But God wants to save us all. As such, we are encouraged by our God to love one other, and to seek Him. There is a ginger that lies within all of us. And God loves that part of us, too.

So do yourself a favor and get to know a ginger. Though you may need to hang out with them indoors, you’ll find that your lives are really not so different after all. #gingersouls.

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 41025 RELIGION/COLUMN/NEWS

By MICAH HALLWith the controversy surrounding the inaccuracies in Paramount Picture’s Noah, many people are forgetting another controversial historical epic, 300: Rise of an Empire. I was very excited to see the sequel to Zach Snyder’s acclaimed retelling of Leonidas’ fight against the Persians and I was shocked to find that this retelling of history had a few glaring flaws.

While the film’s protagonist, Themistocles, was correctly portrayed as a Greek general and politician, there is little evidence to support some of the film’s wilder claims.

First, while there were real battles fought between the Persians and the Greeks, some of the details are not entirely accurate. For example, although there were ships in these battles, there is no record of the Persians using a gigantic metal ship that shoots oil out of each side. There is also no record of either army utilizing large, deformed men to throw giant fire rocks out of slings toward the enemy’s ships.

Also, while it has been shown through historical study that these battles did have close-quarters combat, there is no evidence that the Greeks jumped in slow motion off 30-foot-tall cliffs onto boats covered in

Persian soldiers. There is also little historical evidence of any Greek soldier jumping from ship to ship on a horse while killing the Persians. The Greek armor was also slightly inaccurate. In ancient Greece, soldiers wore metal breastplates and other metal armor. In the film, the soldiers used only capes and well-defined abdominal muscles to defend against attacks.

A few other inaccuracies noted were: The moon does not take up half of the night sky, there are no boat-sized eels that feed on the bodies of drowned soldiers, Xerxes was not a 12-foot-tall man-god, and the Greeks did not have slight British accents.

In conclusion, if you are looking for a thought-provoking glimpse into the life of the Greek politician and general Themistocles, you will be disappointed. This movie will not bring you closer to the important truth of the Greco-Persian wars. This is nothing but a mindless action movie.

photo from legendary pictures andactionmoviefreak.com

photo by deviant art user icallahan223

the Seventh-day Adventist church’s health message. “In order to show our respect for the values the local community holds, we have decided to switch out our usual frozen, indigestible mystery patties for vegetarian, frozen, indigestible mystery patties.” They added, “In an attempt to appeal to the local reputation for thrift, The McVay will be featured on the McDonald’s dollar menu.”

CURRENTLY OPEN ASWWU POSITIONS

2013–2014

*Worship Credit Offered

Interested? Fill out an application at

as.wallawalla.edu and email it to aswwu@wallawalla.edu.

PEDs Legalized

Yeti 101: Two Teachers In Search of a Legend

By GRAYSON ANDREGG

By JUSTIN MOCK

Over the past thirty years or so, this country has experienced lots of problems dealing with Performance Enhancing Drugs (more commonly known as steroids) in the world of the four major U.S. sports. Baseball, football, basketball and hockey have all had players who thought they could push the limits with the rules, thought they were special, and took the risk of using steroids in order to enhance their sporting talents. Many have gotten caught through blood tests; others just by looking super buff (some players get tested for that reason alone).

The Pacific Northwest has long been a prime destination for Bigfoot enthusiasts, and the Blue Mountains near Walla Walla are no exception. Over the last 50 years, hikers, hunters, and campers have seen tracks, heard sounds, and reported sightings about a mysterious creature living in these mountains that border the quiet town of Walla Walla. All this mystery has led two Walla Walla University professors to initiate an educational adventure in an attempt to sight this elusive legend.

On May 16–18, Professors Jim Nestler and

Marvin Denney will be leading a two-day backpacking trip into the Blue Mountains on trails such as the Tiger Ridge Trail in an attempt to sight the legendary Sasquatch. Although Walla Walla University has never before sponsored a trip like this, co-leaders Nestler and Denney are confident it’s a worthwhile and educational endeavor. “Cryptozoology is one of the fastest-growing areas in biology, and a trip like this will provide the students with a chance to gain experience in some cryptozoological field work,” says Nestler. The trip will be strenuous and will require students to be in good physical condition, something Denney

is excited about. He stated, “Not only is this educational from a biology standpoint, but also in the areas of health and fitness.”

The trip is limited to eight spots for students and applications are now being accepted. These spots are expected to be in high demand and students who desire to be part of this trip must begin their application process by submitting an essay (200 words or less) stating why they believe they should be part of this trip. All submissions must be emailed to either Denney or Nestler or submitted to http://tinyurl.com/yeti101essay by Sunday, April 20.

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 41026 NEWS/ARTS & MEDIAWell, these players will no longer have to worry about being caught. On Tuesday, the National Association of Sports Commissions passed a law that allows a certain amount of PEDs to be used per team, with special secondary rules that cater to each major sport. A specific amount is awarded to each team before their respective pre-season for testing, and then on a repeating two-week period throughout the season. The amount supplied to each team will depend on their talent, which will be reassessed every two weeks. These liquid steroids will be supplied and counted by number of full syringes, and it is yet to be released just how much is a “suitable” amount for each sport or team.

NEW RULESIN PRO SPORTS

Some of the special new rules follow. I’m sure that they will add a much-needed new spice to the

sporting world.

MLB:- Metal bats will now be allowed.- Players may run as far out of the baseline as they want to avoid being tagged.

NBA:- Extra point attempts will now be moved to the 35-yard line.- Any penalty may now be challenged by any player, and the player must flex to indicate the challenge.

NFL:- A 4-point attempt line will now be placed 22 feet from the hoop rather than 19.9 feet.- Backboards will now be made of a titanium-plexiglass alloy.

NHL:- The goalie may be hit as hard as necessary to move him out of the way to score.- The puck may be picked up whenever desired and carried down the ice and thrown into the net for a 0.5 goal.- Shirts are now optional.

The West of Walla Walla

The Art of Spring Seduction

By TIMOTHY BARBOSA

By IMA WACHINYA

Zelman Development Co. has recently released preliminary plans for the restoration of the dilapidated Blue Mt. Mall. Despite their promptness in working to revitalize the local economy, the progress is being met with significant resistance. Why is that? Well, Zelman Development Co. has some unorthodox inclinations. Their franchise layout for the coming strip-mall includes plans for an indoors amusement park, including an economic roller coaster, a Scientology Clinic, a general hypnosis center, and a cancer treatment facility that specializes in Hopi Indian remedies.

Now that spring has officially arrived, fellas, it’s time to be filled with self-loathing because you are the only one in your friend circle who hasn’t succumbed to spring fever and found the love of your life (er, your Spring quarter, at least).

However, with some helpful hints, you too can be well on your way to helping that cutie you’ve never spoken to see just how worthy you are of her attention and affection. And how should you go about this?

It’s very simple, really. Impress her with art. Nothing makes a girl’s heart go a-flutter more than a thoughtful, handwritten poem,1 a spontaneous song dedication

The development firm has stated that they have a two-pronged approach to stimulate the local economy. Their first goal is to compete with the mall in Tri-Cities for Walla Walla shoppers with traditional department stores and shops. The second is attracting unique business that will satiate unmet demand for a large geographic area, thus increasing the commercial relevance of the Walla Walla Valley.

Though these goals may satisfy questions about the “unusual” upcoming businesses, skeptics speculate about the strong ties between Zelman and Walla Walla native Adam West. A graduate from the local public

à la “Say Anything,”2 or a baked good.3 After impressing her with your writing, song choice, or culinary expertise, the fact that she still doesn’t know your name will be a minor detail in the story of how you two eventually fell in love. Don’t worry if she looks a bit taken aback by your show of affection. It’s normal, I promise. Girls secretly love when total strangers publicly declare their eternal love.

What’s most important about the artistic approach, though, is the follow-through. Don’t be discouraged if she doesn’t seem to enjoy your art, awkwardly tries to change the subject, or begins to briskly walk away. She’s really just embarrassed for her friends who don’t have a great guy like you after them. Restraining orders mean that she

high school and local Whitman College, West starred in the first Batman movies and remains active in Hollywood with voiceover work for shows such as Family Guy. During his frequent visits to the Walla Walla Valley, West has reportedly endorsed Church of Scientology methods. Concerned locals believe he is using his controlling interest in Zelman Development Co. to promote Scientology and other mystic Hollywood fads, like serial monogamy and cellulite.

Many with strong religious convictions oppose the proposal due to disdain for mysticism, while others oppose the business model of the proposition. Several city

officials have expressed disgust at Zelman’s business model, forecasting failure and a hasty return to the present, broken-down state of the mall. Walla Walla University has yet to release an official statement regarding the issue. Though religious free will is a pillar of the Adventist Church, it is generally opposed to mysticism. Either way, if you don’t care for the political implications of the issue, you should head over to the grand opening to meet West; the Batman with a plan.

HOW TOGET THE GIRL

If making art for the girl you’re crushing on is just too scary, follow these steps:

1. Get her number off of The Mask.4

2. Text her, and ask her out immediately.

She’s bound to say yes. Just don’t be yourself, whatever you do, and if she doesn’t respond, call until she does.

1. http://tinyurl.com/handnoteTC.2. http://tinyurl.com/sayanythingscene.3. http://tinyurl.com/NapDyCake.4. http://tinyurl.com/maskresearch.

has noticed you, which is a vital step. Just keep at it, as persistence is attractive to any worthy lass.

“ I Will Possess Your Heart”Death Cab for Cutie

Do the full 8½ minute version of this indie clasic to emphasize how fully you will

own their affection.

“Every Breath You Take”The Police

Performing this song will help your crush see that she belongs with you. Who else knows every smile she fakes, every word she says, every

vow she breaks?

“Night Vision Binoculars”Passenger

This upbeat little ditty is a great way to let your crush see your

vulnerable side. After all, all you want to do is walk her home

and watch her sleep alone.

“One Way Or Another”Blondie

This one’s for the ladies. If you’re looking for the perfect way to tell a guy you’re ready

for commitment, this one’s for you.

“Run for Your Life”The Beatles

Once you’re in a relationship with the perfect girl, this

classic from the Fab Four is a great way to remind her of the importance of monogamy (if

she wants to stay alive).

feels “Honored and amazed that we have this opportunity to speak with another species.” Their first transmission was decoded using digits 100 – 200 of pi, it reads “f1rst p0st.”

WWU Grad Revolutionizes the Wine Business

Using a ground breaking new wine-making technique he is dubbing “exorcising the spirits,” recent Chemistry and Engineering

our flavors mix together. Also, don’t forget Ranch.” There are few who could come up with such wisdom without the aid of five helpings of walnut meatballs and unlimited dinner rolls.

One of the biggest discrepancies between the EgWhite theory and Adventist doctrine is the health message. EgWhite theory, because it is so heavily based on potluck foods, has come under attack by health enthusiasts. Hans Diehl, creator of the Coronary Health Improvement Project and advocate of the plant-based diet, recalls, “I once calculated the amount of cheese present at a potluck in the various dishes. I increased my future children’s cholesterol simply by entering the fellowship hall.” Admittedly, Diehl

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 41027 NEWS/CREATIVE WRITING

This Week’s Breakthroughs in Science

Cookbook, Steps to Rice, Discovered at Elmshaven

By JOE HUGHES

By ANDREA JOHNSON

Today, discerning readers, only one of these stories is actually true; see if you can find it!

MIT Researchers Develop Clean Source of Energy

Calling it a “major breakthrough,” Dr. Mack DeMonet of the sustainable energy department announced a radical new energy source. It uses the principle of buoyancy to float small air-filled balls through a tank of water. As the balls enter the tank, they are pulled upward by buoyancy, this is used to spin a turbine and create a sustainable source of energy. “Everyone knows that bubbles rise; now we’ve put them to work,” he remarked of his new device. The scientific community

A new book by Ellen G. White has been found in her Elmshaven home. The book, Steps to Rice, was discovered in the kitchen, overlooked as being a simple cookbook. Upon further investigation, it appears that White had predicted the canon of Adventist foods long before their inception. Steps to Rice not only includes recipes (for foods such as haystacks, store-bought lasagna, and Special-K loaf, written before W. K. Kellogg ever left Adventism to pursue a career in breakfast cereals), but also includes further support of the EgWhite theory.

For those unfamiliar with EgWhite theory, here is a brief history and “how-to.” EgWhite

is still on the edge of their seats waiting for a demo, but the lab has released this schematic:

SETI Receives First Signal From Aliens

SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence, announced that they have received the first definite transmission from another species. We are still scrambling to try and broadcast our response, but senior research scientist Al “Ian” Srule says he

theory stemmed from intellectual and usually religious or political post-potluck conversations. An unknown college student, presumably an English major filled with fiery passion to “find God in everything” and a head full of Literary Critical Theory, took an especially salty bite of Thaw-and-Bake quiche and suddenly realized, “Ye are the salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13). The student concluded that potluck foods are the key to understanding Adventist doctrine. The process of studying recipes and then studying scriptures during the post-potluck coma leads to stunning clarity of the mind. Bits of wisdom from the recipe-cook-coma process include: “Haystacks are like the church. We look good all spread out, but we’re really just segregated that way. We’re best when

grad Numar Boos is changing the face of the wine industry in the Walla Walla valley. “It all started when I realized that when the Bible says ‘wine’ it always means ‘grape juice.’ I realized it was all a big mistake” Boos explains. Leaving the mistranslation to the experts, his new technique will help correct this colossal and dangerous mistake by turning actual wine into grape juice. “I feel like this does wonders for the whole wine experience, I mean, what we really want is grape juice.” While local wineries are not pleased with the new technique, and some are taking legal action even now on account of “damaged goods,” WWU leadership is quite pleased. “This eases all the tensions between the university and the local wine business,” John McVay explained, “I think we are both in a better place now.” Boos also has plans to begin working on a technique to turn bacon into stripples.

makes a solid point. Potluck foods tend to be ridiculously unhealthy and don’t match with other writings of White’s or with the Adventist health message. However, proponents of the EgWhite theory are excited by the discovery of Steps to Rice. Now that they have a book written by White that includes their favorite potluck dishes, they can create validity for EgWhite theory. Step to Rice creates the bridge they need to bypass the health message and go straight to implementing their “no context necessary” approach.

THE LOST POEMSOF ADVENTIST FOUNDERS

An Ode to Bacon

The last I saw thee, sizzling in the pan

Greasier than a sinful, morbidly obese man

I indulged in your curves and scent,

But restrained my sinful nature from relent.

Though smelling the beads of lard

Drip from your line of white and red

I resisted and ate a Stripple instead.

But watching the oil bounce off your flesh

Cannot be compared to any vegetable, no matter how fresh.

— J.H. Kellogg

A Waltz with Sin

While reading my Bible one day in my study, I entertained the thought of sin.

It, at first, crept upon my wits, whispering sweet lies in my ear.

“You’ll love it, John,” it said, that temptation so vigorous,

That for a moment, I raised the toe of my shoe, taken in by the rhythm of the birds’ song

Outside of my sill. “Stand your ground!” I told my toe, falling back in line with the other ten.

And so I went on with my reading, but distracted I remained.

Then came the poetic poundings of the clock on my wall,

Taunting my spirits, they sent me distempered, for now both feet began to jig.

Lured by the clock and the birds, I decided to shut my windows, so as not to be seen or heard.

Then once no soul could see or hear my indulgent sin,

I raised a foot and then an arm, and began to dance.

— J.N. Andrews

Artistic FraudBy MADELEINE BOYSON

“Abstract expressionist art is not a product of any man. It is a product of trained animals.” This statement released Tuesday by the Pennsylvania chief of police has rocked the art world.

The Denver Art Museum and the Clyfford Still Museum have both championed the works of modern artists throughout the 20th century — post-impressionism to minimalism — and these institutions have brought to light the lives of the western world’s most innovative and expressive painters, sculptors, and artists. Over the last few decades, the more critical onlookers have scoffed at expressive art, calling it “elementary” or “childlike,” claiming boldly: “I could do that.” Well, but you didn’t, I’ve said to these critics, long believing in the beauty and merit of artists such as Clyfford Still, Jackson Pollock, Willem de Kooning, etc. Their works exude a new set of emotions unseen in previous centuries of art. As it turns out though, I’m wrong.

We know much about the lives of these modern artists, but a recent discovery in a warehouse in the backwoods of Colorado (the exact location has not been released) have revealed some startling — no, disgusting — truths. A young couple was enjoying a walk with their dog on a Friday morning several months ago when they stumbled on a deserted warehouse; the landscape was surrounded by animal cages and smelled of turpentine. When the police arrived, they found the warehouse deserted, but the evidence pointed in a unique direction — animals, it seemed, were kept in cages and let out to play with oil and acrylic paints on canvas material. Several “completed” canvases leaned against the warehouse walls, which were then examined by art professionals. They matched the style, medium, and date of several works by Still, Rothko, and Pollock, among others. A recent interview with Amelia Blackwood of the Maryland Art Institute has left the art world with little hope: “ …This is a disturbing discovery. Since the acquisition of this warehouse, more warehouses have been found. It is safe to assume that American art, specifically of the Abstract Expressionist Movement, was never completed by man — only monkey.”

photo by stock image

Editor-in-ChiefGRANT PERDEW

Assistant EditorNATHAN STRATTE

Head Layout EditorALIX HARRIS

Head Copy EditorLAUREN HEATHCOCK

Head Photo EditorKURTIS LAMBERTON

News EditorCAROLYN GREEN

Feature EditorsBROOKLYNN LARSONKATIE PEKARBRANDON TORKELSEN

Opinion EditorsCARLTON HENKESREBECCA WILLIAMSANDREW WOODRUFF

Sports EditorGRAYSON ANDREGG

Religion EditorJOHN LUBKE

Health & Outdoors Editor JUSTIN MOCK

Diversions EditorERIC WEBER

Travel EditorJON MACK

Science & Technology EditorJOE HUGHES

Food EditorANDREA JOHNSON

Culture EditorTIMOTHY BARBOSA

BackWord EditorRACHEL LOGAN

Creative Writing EditorRACHEL BLAKE

ColumnistsMADELEINE BOYSONMICAH HALL

Layout Designers ANDRALYN IWASASAMANTHA SCHNELLIAN SMITHJENNA THOMAS

Copy EditorsRACHEL BLAKEJASSICA CHOICARLY LEGGITT

Staff WritersLESTER BIGGSSAVANNAH KISLINGLAUREN LEWIS

Distribution ManagerMARK ROESLER

Office ManagerJENNIFER NEGOESCU

THORSDAY, 3 APRIL 4102 8NEWS/BACKWORD/DIVERSIONS

I’ve always considered myself a world traveler. After spending extended time in London, Paris, and Rome, everything else seems mundane. But when Rachel Logan and I were invited to visit the new ACA program in North Korea, I. Was. So. Excited. I. Couldn’t. Believe. It. Now, I’ll be the first to say my experience with Asian countries is limited to PF Chang’s and Thai Ploy, but I’ve never been one to turn down an adventure, so we boarded the plane and off we went. When traveling to new places, I tend to be a bit obsessive compulsive when researching and learning as much as I can about where I’ll be staying, but this trip was different. Instead, I wanted this to be a clean slate: no preconceived ideas or expectations.

Upon arriving in North Korea, we were greeted by the four nicest tour guides I have ever met. Not only were they highly

After illusions from the SDA community that this particular Pope is definitely the antichrist, Pope Francis went straight to his red emergency phone up in his Vatcan tower and phoned Dr. John McVay. After a few long phone calls, WWU is happy to announce that the Pope will be flying in direct via Vatican Airways to our own Martin Field, coming to speak at our next CommUnity.

Our nation’s number-one, short, always-running-in-his-movies actor has decided to take a hiatus from saving the world in the realm of film so he can pursue his passion for preaching. Cruise has offered to teach a survey course on the Church of Scientology, and though many schools have turned him down (for reasons we do not understand), WWU faculty senate voted to endorse his course and give him a shot at teaching by offering an

When Adventists are fueled by haystacks, there’s really nothing they can’t do, including taking on North Korea. The news that Adventist Colleges Abroad wants to open an ACA school in North Korea is almost as stupid as the time my 98-year-old grandpa Joe tried to swim across the English Channel with only a GoPro and a shark-shaped pool floaty. Odette Ferreira is insisting Eric Weber and I spend our spring break scouting out the North Korean countryside for possible school locations; I think she’s eaten one Big Frank too many. But frankly, if this is my “Dear Diary” moment, so be it.

Day 11: Mission North Korea

I don’t know if anybody is going to find this. I’m writing under my bed on a piece of toilet paper I stole from the bathroom with an I <3 Kim Jong-un pen. I’ve lost Eric. The second we landed in Pyongyang they cut his

knowledgeable about their country’s history, but they were also very friendly and insisted on looking at all of our pictures. It was very endearing. Once we arrived at our hotel, Rachel and her attitude tried to convince me that we were alone in this hotel, and that all the other rooms were empty, but I reassured her that we didn’t know the cultural eating or sleeping habits and therefore had no reason to believe we were alone. The next day the tour guides and I were basically BFFs. We went shopping together and all got haircuts. Initially, I thought my new ‘do was a little Britney-Spears-panic-attack, but they assured me it was North Korea haute couture.

Overall, it’s been a fantastic trip, although I’m not sure where Rachel went. She mentioned something about Big Brother or 1984 something, but I don’t watch TV and I was born in 1991, so I don’t know what she’s talking about ….

Pope Francis is concerned for us Seventh-day Adventists — he fears that we may be so focused on trying to see our own prophecies fulfilled that we may well be failing to see the good things around us.

After a bit of research, I myself looked into the good book and checked out one of my favorite passages, Matthew 7:18–20, that says, “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that

hair, gave him new clothes, and I haven’t seen him since. Every time I try to leave my room two armed “tour guides” walk beside me telling me where I can go. I don’t think they want me wondering around this hotel because there isn’t anybody else actually staying here! I feel like I’m in the Truman Show; everywhere we walk or drive seems to come alive as we approach it. I tried to talk to someone standing in the park, but he shook his head nervously and three guards jumped out of a bush and quickly steered him away. I tried to take a picture of him as he left, but the guides stole my camera and deleted it. I asked to go to an Internet Café to send an emergency letter to Obama to save me, but my guides told me that it wasn’t part of the tour. I kept insisting until they finally agreed to let me go the next day. When we arrived, there were people sitting in rows in front of computers. Their browsers were open, but nobody was actually typing or looking at anything. I tried to email Obama, but all I got back was a “God Bless America” gif. If anybody is reading this, please: Help me.

does not bear fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” I cross-referenced this verse with some of the many works of Pope Francis, and as far as I can see, this Pope seems to be a pretty fruity dude.

I’ll be excited to hear what he has to say to us this coming Tuesday.

By ERIC WEBER

By BISHOP JOHANNES

By LANA GOODSEN

By RACHEL LOGAN

NORTH KOREAN MUSINGS

NORTH KOREAN ADVENTURES

Pope Francis to Speak at CommUnity

Professor Tom Cruise: The Summer Scientology Program

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photo by totallycoolpix.com

photo from .cbs19.tv

The Collegian is the official publication of ASWWU. Its views and opinions are not necessarily the official stance of Walla Walla University or its administration, faculty, staff, or students. This is an April Fool’s issue, so read with care. Questions, letters, comments, and heresies can be mailed to aswwu.collegian@wallawalla.edu or grant.perdew@wallawalla.edu. This issue was completed on 2 April 2014 at 11:50 p.m.

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intensive class. Since Cruise likes to run the show, and since he certainly likes running, it made sense for him to run an intensive class. However, the university has gone on record that he is to avoid jumping on all of our new couches.

This summer’s class will be a trial run for Cruise, and is intended to augment the World Religions coursework already offered by the School of Theology, as it does not yet include any material on the Church of Scientology,

barring one Honors course. Cruise has submitted a preliminary curriculum that will include the subjects of past lives, extraterrestrial cultures and origins, jargon conceptualization, god-likey-ness, triangles through the ages, spiritual deformation, and an introduction to non-IRS related auditing.

Students who wish to take the course can register later this spring, at the regular tuition cost, but Cruise has informed us at The Collegian that the first 20 people to register for the class will get an autographed copy of Risky Business on DVD. Register at http://tinyurl.com/RELHCruise.