Volume 97, Issue 21 Thursday, April the 4th, 1813

Final exams have been the bane of students’ college experiences for years. During finals week, one may overhear several students complaining that finals are surely not the best way to measure a student’s progress and that a different method should be implemented. At long last, WWU administrators have agreed to follow Harvard’s example by phasing out final exams.

The Walla Walla University bookstore has had it with students using the store as a reference and then buying their textbooks from other sources such as Amazon or Half.com. Beginning April 22, 2013 , the U-Shop will charge customers a fee of $5 for “just looking.” The fee will be removed when a purchase is made. “Our prices are not that far off from our competitors,’” said an anonymous source from the U-Shop. The source added, “We try really hard to make the store look nice for our customers, too; we have an interior designer on staff so that our displays are exquisite.” Through misty eyes they solemnly exclaimed, “We just don’t know what else to do.”

Representatives from the U-Shop assure students that they do not want to enact this

Walla Walla University’s administration has expressed deep interest in following Harvard’s example for quite some time. After examining the results of intense studies held by the nation’s leading university, the evidence supporting the idea of nixing final exams is irrefutable. Always looking for ways to improve and move ahead of the herd, WWU will be implementing a trial period to see if the new no-final system is best for the university.

Harvard University officials have conducted several studies with all results

fee, but they feel they are out of options. Sixty-five percent of students currently purchase all of their books from the U-Shop. The 35 percent that do not is the

target demographic for the fee. One U-Shop employee noted, “We see them come in and just browse around the bookshelves with pen and paper in hand, writing down the books they need. Then they leave without

showing that finals do not help students learn course material. Instead, when students are forced to take final exams most will “cram” and learn as much as they can in a short period of time in order to pass the test. They will then promptly forget what they learned after the test is over. Harvard University professors state that they can almost always judge the performance of a student without finals. If professors do feel that something is needed at the end of the term to judge students’ progress and performance, Harvard administrators are now urging professors

to find more creative ways to do so.

During spring quarter 2013, WWU administrators are encouraging professors to not give midterm or final exams, and to develop new ways of evaluating students if needed. Current plans include a poetry competition in the park to replace certain humanities courses, reenactments of historical events, and creating a pedestrian bridge over College Avenue for engineering students.

Collegian Wisdom

In Kentucky, a teenager was arrested for falsely yelling “bingo” in a bingo hall.

Context

Perspective

Life

17-year-old boy sold an app to Yahoo for $30 million.

According to reports, Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer.

Joe Biden recently ran up a $585,000 hotel bill in Paris.

April 4th is the new April 1st.

Baseball season begins.

Not a game to be taken lightly.

News 1,2Calendar 2,3

Creative Writing 2Religion 3Column 3Opinion 4

Sports 2Travel 5Science & Tech 5Foodie 6Health & Wellness 6Culture 7Diversions 7

Finally, we can return to not watching baseball.

Where did Yahoo find 30 million dollars?

Cardiologists rejoice.

This is Joe’s way of stimulating the European economy.

Fools.

“We just don’t know what else to do.”

,

purchasing anything. It’s really hard to see that. It just … it hurts.”

Despite many opinions to the contrary, the U-Shop does not see this as a desperate attempt to get more business. Representatives say almost unanimously, “We just want to be able to serve all the students at Walla Walla University with our great prices, outstanding customer service, and incredible store display.” They feel the fee is the best way to do this. The fee will be charged by installing a card reader, like the ones in the WEC, at the entrance to the U-Shop. As students scan their ID cards to unlock the door, a $5 charge will be added to their school account. Upon purchasing an item from the U-Shop, the $5 charge will be refunded. Unfortunately, the U-Shop does not realize that textbooks are listed on the students’ myWWU accounts.

The Collegian has come under new management.

We are here to warn you against the sins manifested on our campus: texting, public displays of affection, caffeine, and longboarders. We will return to our doctrines — no more “only Jesus,” no more entanglement with spiritual disciplines, and no more iniquitous displays of toes or ankles.

A new path is in store for this publication. It will no longer include images of students engaging in these activities. It will no longer be a display of graphical trivialities. It will no longer be the

mouthpiece of corrupted and forward-thinking minds.

Instead, it will herald our fundamental values, as a tribute to the traditional ways of our founders. The righteous reign begins today, April the 4th, as our first issue hits the stands.

This is the beginning of a return to truth. The remnant will be kept pure. We must prepare for the trials ahead of the Second Coming by building stockpiles of soy products and vegemeat in the mountains. The followers will march to victory with chants of “left, right, Ellen White.”

We are Collegian. We forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.

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Casey BartlettNews

The MilleritesManagement

Hilary NielandNews

son called for a press conference, where the press expected news of a newer and bigger contract for the standout quarter-back to be announced. Instead, Wilson had a somber message: “I learned a lot this past season with the Seahawks orga-nization, and one of those things is that football is not my true love. It’s baseball.”

Very few people know that, before play-ing for the Seahawks, Wilson was drafted in 2010 by the Colorado Rockies baseball team in the fourth round of the draft. He ended up playing for the Tri-City Dust Devils Class A team. Yes, that’s the Tri-Cities we know, not 45 minutes away from our campus. Upon hearing the news, my jaw dropped to the floor just like every

Last day to drop class with 100% refund

Around noon on Easter Sunday, Foreman desk worker Ellen Bruso was greeted by something she had not been trained to handle: all 12 of the Foreman lobby cam-eras malfunctioned. While the rest of the student body was outside lounging in the sun, Bruso was attempting to remain calm.

“I called [Information Services] immediate-ly,” Bruso recalls. “The deans had trained us for this worst-case scenario only once; this was a desk worker’s worst nightmare.”

Bruso, who realized the potential dangers for the residents of the women’s dorms, re-ported the incident to the deans as soon as it occurred. Given the average amount of time it takes Information Services to assess an issue, the deans made sure to personally call their office, as this was an emergency.

“It was awful! For a minute there, we were so terrified for our defenseless ladies! We couldn’t wait for IS to come

help us,” said the dean on duty.

The deans explained that the risks that come with camera malfunctions escalate when the incident occurs during the day, especially when reunited couples and clear skies are added to the equation. The major risk is the number of unmonitored couples that may have been holding hands for more than five minutes straight, es-pecially since the brighter the sun’s rays, the harder it is to keep students, who had been separated for over a week, in check.

Other risks include falling while carry-ing luggage uphill and being suffocated by the luggage, being personally harassed by the increasing number of stray cats in College Place, and getting run over while still on the sidewalk. Though none of these instances have ever occurred, one can never be too prepared when it comes to the safety of the women of WWU.

While on the subject of felines, the cam-era malfunctions could also lead to an in-crease of residents’ attempts to smuggle their feline friends into the dorms. These actions could lead to even more issues,

such as consumption of the fish in the halls of Conard first south, allergic reac-tions, and cats marking their territory.

To avoid all this chaos, the deans, desk workers, and RAs had to brainstorm ideas on keeping everyone safe and calm. One of these ideas included pulling a fire alarm, which would force all residents both in and around the building, to clear the premises in one large group, making it easier to monitor them.

“I am going to be honest, I stared at the fire alarm for a good few minutes wonder-ing, ‘Should I or should I not?’ Thankfully, IS arrived right when I decided I should,” admits an anonymous source.

That was the first time an event such as this had occurred at the women’s dorm, and hopefully it is the last. Information Services spent two hours tweaking the security-camera system, making sure that an innocent worker such as Bruso would never have to face such atrocities ever again.

By the Numbers

1,337 Weight of the most obese World of Warcraft nerd, recently discovered in his mother’s basement by the FBI, which was investigating coded

17Number of times Dick Cheney shot himself in the face in his latest failed suicide attempt.

New estimation of Pi, in the imperial revolution.

12

Amount raised by a communion wafer broken by the pope in the Vatican’s new “I Bought it on eBay” campaign to raise money to combat corruption.

$87,354

Photo by Anthony White

Thursday | Friday | Saturday | 20° 11° 18° 8° 16° 4° 4 APR 5 APR 6 APR

Vespers: Paddy McCoy8 p.m.University Church

Guest Recital: Carla Tryn-chuk and Chi Yong Yun7:30 p.m.FAC

Photo by Ivan Cruz

Photo by stock.xchng user rdavid

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Fortunately, we’ve had a chance to break from school for a few days. The sports world, however, never rests. The NFL is sometimes praised for being a “year-round sport,” one that manages to snag head-lines even when its teams are away from the gridiron — and boy, did it deliver this time. Only this time, the news that’s mak-ing a splash is about a youngster who’s exiting the game, rather than entering it.

Russell Wilson was projected to be a mid-draft pick in the 2012 NFL draft. Liter-ally the only question about his game was whether his 5’11” frame was enough for the traditionally towering quarterback position. The Seattle Seahawks picked him up with the 75th pick overall, and the rest is, quite literally, history.

From his controversial Hail Mary pass that toppled the Green Bay Packers in the third game of the season to the play-off run that scared many teams, Wilson shone throughout. He broke the previous rookie record for NFL passer rating (100), tied Peyton Manning’s rookie record of 26 touchdowns thrown, and ran for an addi-tional four touchdowns. Last week, Wil-

4 April 2013Page 2

A calendar you can trust.

Cedric ThielNews

Trevor BoysonSports

Karina GomezNews

person even remotely interested in sports. Why would such a promising young player seemingly throw away such an amazing career?

Rusell continued, “One of the things my parents taught me is that you can’t love life if you don’t love your work. My time here in Seattle has been amazing, but I can’t continue it knowing there is a job out there I would love and relish more.”

This stunning move has similarities to ‘80s superstar Bo Jackson who won the Heisman Trophy in college, became an all-star in baseball, and then moved his talents to football where he also became an all-star. When reporters mentioned the similarities, Wilson responded with a shy smile, saying, “I’m not sure that’s fair; do you think so? He might be the best sports-man ever. I just want to play the game I love, and I hope success will follow where my passion and hard work lead.”

I’m not sure how the Seahawks will re-spond to this loss. They still have one of the league’s strongest defenses; however, the team as a whole will be missing their biggest, most inspiring leader. I wish him the best of luck with his career, but there’s something to be said about the way he ditched a team and a city that were count-ing on him.

“I learned a lot this past season with the Seahawks organization, and one of those things is that Football is not my true love. It’s baseball.”

such as consumption of the fish in the halls of Conard first south, allergic reac-tions, and cats marking their territory.

To avoid all this chaos, the deans, desk workers, and RAs had to brainstorm ideas on keeping everyone safe and calm. One of these ideas included pulling a fire alarm, which would force all residents both in and around the building, to clear the premises in one large group, making it easier to monitor them.

“I am going to be honest, I stared at the fire alarm for a good few minutes wonder-ing, ‘Should I or should I not?’ Thankfully, IS arrived right when I decided I should,” admits an anonymous source.

That was the first time an event such as this had occurred at the women’s dorm, and hopefully it is the last. Information Services spent two hours tweaking the security-camera system, making sure that an innocent worker such as Bruso would never have to face such atrocities ever again.

Recently, The Collegian was privileged to have an exclusive interview with respected visionary Weir Kenth regarding the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church. Kenth expressed grave concerns about this pope.

Kenth, a graduate of Mantell University, has his Ph.D. in epistemology with an emphasis in discovering facts. Kenth is an award-winning writer. His work won him the “Most Awesome” award from the Intercosmological Academy of Important Discoveries. More recently, Kenth has received the “Most Efficient” award from the Magus Foundation for Higher Advancement, the “Devil Skewer” award from the International Association of Dualists, the “Truth Treasure Trove” award from the American Academy of Gnowledge, and the “Most Beloved” award from the Coalition for Televangelism.

Our interview is reproduced below without additions.

The Collegian: Brother Kenth, what do you think of Pope Francis?

Kenth: I think he is the Antichrist. In these last days, there is nothing more clear in my mind.

Dylan Hanes, the incoming vice president for students affairs, announced Friday that Walla Walla University will reduce overcrowding by building new apartments and abolishing concurrent vacations.

“This year, Walla Walla University had a record number of new students,” said Hanes. “For the first time in years, girls are living on the ground floor of Conard Hall. The men’s deans offered Sittner residents financial compensation if they relocated to Meske, but, strangely, there weren’t many takers.” The increased number of students has also affected off-campus housing, where some students have chosen to live three to an apartment. Hanes plans to remedy this situation by building new housing complexes on Sittner Field and Kretschmar Lawn. The apartments, which Hanes said would rival Hallmark Apartments in quality, will house about 200 students.

Overcrowding is also a problem in campus parking lots. “Sometimes I have to circle the block twice to find a spot,” said Eric Kelly,

C: This seems like quite a grave danger, in these last days. Can you share the reasons you are so concerned?

K: I am convicted that Francis is the Antichrist. After all, Francis has six letters, and popes say their names three times when they become pope: 666. Francis is a Jesuit, which also has six letters: Jesuit, Jesuit, Jesuit — 666. Francis was also elected on 3/13/13. Thirteen is a demonic number.

C: These seem like compelling reasons for concern. We have heard some good things about Francis, though. For example, he washed the feet of 12 juvenile prisoners. This gesture could indicate that Francis is acting like Jesus out of Christian piety.

K: These are the last days, and we need to beware that we aren’t deceived. Francis is not acting like Jesus, but is trying to assume the place of Jesus himself. He is pretending to be Jesus. Nahum 13:6–7 (KJV only) warns that “in the last days wilt cometh a beast who shalt be like unto Antichrist. He is like unto a lizard with six heads and 327 eyes. He shall portend the end times and the persecution of the remnant. Do not be deceived by the devil.” The six heads are the six letters in the name “Francis,” and the number of eyes — 327 — is Francis’ personal number. Double the

freshman biology major. Off-campus residents face similar frustrations. “My roommate and I live in a campus-owned house near Foreman Hall,” said Rachel Borders, senior English major. “Dorm residents are always parking in our private spots, so we leave them notes explaining that they can’t park there. It’s worked all right so far, but my roommate is itching to start slashing tires, and I don’t think I can hold her back much longer.”

After examining the parking situation closely, Hanes has decided to implement a system already at use elsewhere. “Poland used to face massive overcrowding on the ski slopes during the yearly winter break,” he said. “They’ve combated the crowds by staggering vacations by region. Northern Poland takes its break in early January, for example, while central Poland has its break at the end of February.” Hanes will apply the same principle to WWU students’ breaks, assigning one-eighth of the student body to set vacation times. The vacation schedule will be kicked off by half of the senior class taking its weeklong Thanksgiving break in mid-October. When those students return, the other half of the seniors will go on break. The last group of students will return in early

proof, because Nahum wanted us to be doubly certain.

C: We know that your time is valuable and that you have many responsibilities, but do you have a moment to briefly tell us anything else that you think is important?

K: Yes, I do. I will briefly tell you the core of all other hidden truth in point form:

• Beware of the devil. Beware of the devil! The devil rules pretty much everything except Adventists.

• Sunday keepers are the reason for global warming and famines in Africa. Flee them now.

• Easter is pagan. Don’t celebrate Easter.

• KJV. Only. Period. It’s the Bible Jesus read.

• Assassinations and Elvis to Cuba: the work of Jesuits.

Here are my final injunctions: Beware of the devil. Peek-a-boo. Beware of the devil, for he stalks you. Beware of stalkers. Look both ways before you cross the street. Don’t live for this world. Believe what you are told. Follow your heart. Don’t sleep in class. Be good. Be perfect, because only perfect people have a chance. For the Shire!

Creative Writing

The air grows warmer

I wish I could enjoy it

die, allergies, die

________________________

I’m sure spring is nice

but I really hate having

to once again shave

________________________

I look at the beach

see the wave’s beauty and think

I should have worked out

________________________

The birds and the bees:

Yes, love is in the air. Yet

Forever Alone.

15° 2° 7 APR

Photo by flickr user Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Sunday |International Food Festival4 p.m.WEC

PRISM Concert9 p.m.University Church

December in time for the usual week of final exams, after which the Christmas vacation rotations will begin. “This effectively means that only seven-eighths of the student body will be on campus for most of the year, freeing up quite a bit of parking,” Hanes said. “It will also showcase the university’s commitment to diversity, since that first group of seniors will get to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving and half of the junior class will experience Greek Orthodox Christmas.”

Class schedules will continue as normal, with vacationing students attending class via Skype and turning in assignments on D2L. The whole student body will be on campus for finals week. “Students might not have the same vacation schedule as their friends or family members,” Hanes admitted, “but they’ll be together for test week, when friendships really flourish anyway.”

Faculty and staff will not be part of the va-cation rotations, but Hanes does not expect this to be a problem. “They’re committed to service,” he said, “and I know they’ll see that this plan’s benefits far outweigh any time off.”

Photo by stock.xchng user LotusHead

Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | World Health Day

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CommUnity: Campus Minis-tries Mission Trips11 a.m.University Church

Orchestra Vespers Concert4 p.m.University Church

Open Mic & Art Show6 p.m.The Atlas

Photo by Kai Kopitzke Photo by Kai KopitzkePhoto by Brandyn Lang

4 April 2013 4 April 2013 Page 3

Photo by Kate Gref

Concerned Religion Staff

Rebecca BrothersColumn

Kayla Albrecht

“Why are you asking them?” This was the theme of the interview I conducted with former Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist this past spring break. The request for an interview stemmed from my disagreement with the Supreme Court’s recent cases debating abortion, vaccinations, and deciding if cucumber should be classified as a fruit. I was able to talk with Rehnquist about what it takes to serve in a group giving the most highly respected opinions in all the

It has been several months since former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s stinging loss in the presidential election, and we have yet to hear much of anything from the defeated Republican candidate — until now. According to insider reports, within the next few months, we may all have the good fortune of getting to know the real Mitt Romney.

To each of us, there is a hidden side. And what about Mitt Romney? What secrets are hidden beneath his hair? Now that his political career has run its course, Mitt is free to show his true passion. One of the best-kept secrets of Romney’s past (and there aren’t many) is his proclivity for jazz music. Since his rough-and-rowdy days at Brigham Young, Romney has spent his spare time honing his skills on the jazz flute. For decades, Mitt has sequestered his jazz chops, only bringing them out for special family events. Now that his wife’s dreams have been dashed, Mitt

land. He gave fascinating answers to even more fascinating questions. His stories of serving on the Justice League, although bitter, opened my eyes to the questions asked by the people and for the people.

We began with more recent issues, particularly gay marriage. Rehnquist happily pointed out that “supposedly one in 10 people are gay, and there are nine justices.” With a sample size of nine taken from the population, the justices happily “give their conclusion on everything. As far as being inferential is concerned, there’s probably a little error involved there.” And apparently, the odd number

is ready to take his skills to an adoring public. His debut eponymous album, Mittens and the Kittens, is scheduled for release in late summer, to be followed by a nationwide tour.

Rumor on the jazz vine is that Kenny G, desperate for press, has been chomping at the bit for an opportunity to collaborate with Mittens and the Kittens. Mittens has been ignoring the has-been wonder kid of the tenor sax and has instead been searching out other talent. Reports from the Twitterverse suggest that one potential collaborator with Mittens could be that portly pontificator, Newt Gingrich. Who knew that the firmly grounded Newt “Moon Boots” Gingrich was such a high-flying marimba stylist. If it weren’t for the distraction of the slack-jawed former speaker’s flying saliva, one could really feel his groove.

A few of the songs from Mittens’ upcoming studio album include “Don’t Go Breaking My Hair (I Couldn’t If I Tried)”; “Dog on a Hot Car Roof”; “Back to the Binders,” featuring guest saxophonist Bill Clinton and the

of justices did prove useful in important decisions and votes.

It was admitted that there were often low points. Rehnquist recounted, “Once we tried to discuss NASA’s program to shoot the moon with a rocket in a search for water and ended up comparing recent solitaire scores instead.” He added, “We should not underestimate the use of Twitter for communicating session verdicts and banning Angry Birds from sessions was decidedly unconstitutional.” Rehnquist pointed out that the reason he decided to leave the court in 2005 was because he disagreed with the court’s

delicately named Anthony Weiner; and “Suits and Ties” with Karl “Ham” Rove. Herman “Uzbekibekibekistanstan” Cain is also expected to showcase his freestyling skills on Mittens’ new album.

According to reports, 47 percent of the proceeds from the album and upcoming tour (which will include such venues as

belief that they, along with other Harvard alumni, discerned right from wrong.

After my talk with William Rehnquist, I realized the role of our highest court system. We undoubtedly rely on the Supreme Court to act as a resting place for our most important controversies. I know that I can expect the perfect verdict with the justices on every case. The Supreme Court is always happy to point out the elephant in the room or the octopus on the wall. Without them, this nation would be much more indecisive.

country clubs, lounges, martini bars, and yacht clubs) will go to benefit Mitt and Anne’s venture charity, “Kittens Kare,” an organization that sends underprivileged children to summer camp to play sports such as polo and cricket, and to learn the arts of arbitrage and the hostile takeover.

Roger Blood L.M.P, NCTMB, R.T (R)

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SE

NA

TE SEAT OPENINGS FOR

District 1Sittner North two openings

District 10Portland one opening

Submit your declaration for the position by Fri-day, April 12. Declarations of candidacy can be found on the ASWWU webpage.

Information: paid position, 2–3 hours/week

AIA RepresentativeAtlas ManagerCollegian Editor-in-ChiefExecutive SecretaryFinancial VPFundraising Manager

Marketing VPMask EditorMountain Ash EditorPhoto EditorProject ManagerTread Shed Manager

How to apply: 1. Download application from ASWWU website.2. Send your résumé, application, and cover letter to aswwu@wallawalla.edu. 3. Wait for your interview.

Look for more ASWWU positions opening during spring quarter.

OPEN

POSITIONS

4 April 2013Page 4

Elliott BergerOpinion

Grant GustavsenOpinion

Scientists in the American Southwest have reported strange, gravity-related phenomena in what they call the New Mexico Dodecahedron, an area enclosing Los Alamos National Laboratory, Area 51, Yucca mountain, the Grand Canyon, and the Mormon temple in Salt Lake City. Presumably the Jesuits are involved. Whatever the underlying reason (supernatural or regular-natural), gravity there misbehaves.

First observed in 1949 in documentary films titled Roadrunner and Coyote, this “Southwest gravity” has attractive and repulsive components, unlike standard gravity, which only attracts. This phenomena has spurred a new synthesis, known as “Extra-Special Relativity” a one-up to the dull “Theory of Special Relativity” proposed by some wise guy who called himself Albert Einstein.

Rather than north and south ends that repel, all matter in the New Mexico Dodecahedron is made of either coyote particles or roadrunner particles. In a bizarre twist of nomenclature, almost all matter except actual coyotes is composed principally of roadrunner particles. This property explains many of the strange phenomena observed in the aforementioned Roadrunner and Coyote documentary.

The real-world consequence of coyotes being composed of coyote particles is that coyotes are drawn to all masses very strongly, and roadrunners are repelled. This allows anything composed of roadrunner particles (especially roadrunners) to smoothly glide across the stretches of asphalt that carpet the Southwest and easily dodge all projectiles. Contrariwise, anything composed of coyote particles (especially coyotes) are pulled very strongly to the earth and any matter of interest.

As an example, consider a section of this groundbreaking documentary in which the observational subject “Coyote” acquires a car that doubles as a cannon. When he fires at observational subject “Roadrunner,” not only does the cannonball rocket forward, the car jumps back and flattens Coyote. The cannonball is easily dodged by Roadrunner due to the repulsive force between the roadrunner particles in Roadrunner and the cannonball. The cannonball loops off a large sandstone arch, and is drawn by the attractive forces of Southwest gravity toward Coyote. Just as Coyote is able to stand he is hit by said cannonball. This is obviously nonsensical in the classical theory of gravity, but it makes perfect sense in Southwest gravity. Since theories have to match facts, we have no choice but to accept Southwest gravity, and jettison all of our common notions of “ordinary” gravity (in the Southwest).

Another difference between Southwest gravity and normal gravity is appreciated in the observer paradox. The observer paradox (which finds new meaning under extra-special relativity), is a situation where the effects of gravity are dependent up on observation. This means that one cannot fall due to gravity if one has yet to realize that he or she is not standing on solid ground. This is likely due to the canidae gravitino not having had its wave function collapsed. Top scientists think this may also be the work of the Jesuits, but that has yet to come under peer-review.

The effects wreak commercial havoc upon the products of the ACME corporation. ACME is a mysterious organization that seems to manufacture exclusively weapons-grade shenanigan equipment. Inside sources report that their chief engineer is one Rube Goldberg.

Despite cunning and foolishness, most of their contraptions seem to backfire on casual users when used within the New Mexico Dodecahedron, rendering him or her smashed, squashed, flattened, or otherwise maligned. ACME cannot be blamed for not accounting for Southwest gravity, because it is being first announced here and now, but since their products are often used in the Southwest, they could take a leaf from this announcement to improve their devices in either humor or usability.

In summary, scientists have neglected an experimental treasure trove of data regarding gravity in the American Southwest. If we are to understand how physics works, we must be ready to watch some cartoons.

After a meeting with European Union officials and the represented countries’ leaders, it was decided Tuesday that the majority of European countries will give up the euro. In its place, the nations will adopt the U.S. dollar as their official currency.

Leaders met in Libya to discuss the European financial crisis. The meeting, led by the International Monetary Fund Director Madame Le Chiffre, was halted twice due to explosions from nearby car bombs and was eventually moved to a secure, underground location. Leaders agreed that the adoption of the dollar would

make travel easier and more streamlined for American tourists and would help stimulate European economies.

The newly elected U.S. president, Ben Haggerty, has agreed to the terms and fully supports the decision. He believes that this move will help his record sales and will perhaps promote the “hipster” culture in mainland Europe.

In all, 26 countries will adopt the dollar as their official currency. Countries will begin accepting U.S. dollars on Monday, April 8. Among those who refused to adopt the new currency are England, Switzerland, and Greece. British Prime Minister Sir William, the Earl of Grey, rejected the solution because he believes that England should preserve its charm

and that the influx of American tourists would destroy the uniqueness of the great nation. Swiss President Monsieur Toblerone felt that in adopting the American dollar, Switzerland would appear too partial to North America. Lastly, the Greek president, Odysseus Pantheon, also declined, stating that the Greek people wish to return back to their ancient roots and would be adopting a system of gold and silver coins.

So, what does this change mean for you? First off, traveling in Europe will be less confusing. Although you might still struggle with the language barrier, the metric system, and the strange plugs for your hair dryer, at least you will know the value of money. So when you are the victim of a pickpocket you will know

how much you are out, or if you blow a bunch of money on cheap souvenirs you will know how badly they played you. Another plus is that you can say goodbye to international charge fees and exchange rates.

Also, traveling will be much cheaper. Now, the amount they asked for previously in euros will be in dollars, thus saving you a load of money. Additionally, it is rumored that many European airline companies plan to cut prices in order to stimulate even more American travel. Prices are expected to drop by exactly 37.6 percent in the coming months!

My suggested action: Drop all spring-quarter classes and travel around Europe.

@kuma2006

@jmwrijn

@trevoriwata

@gregkhng

@jessikabear

@miss_schnell

@spelldlikedevon

@janellejna

Photo by jamsidedown.com

4 April 2013 Page 5

Megan ClevelandTravel

Joe HughesScience

Sometimes I like to try an insanely complicated recipe to challenge myself in the kitchen. This week, I attempted to find the perfect recipe for toast to share with you — I’m proud to say that I just may have found it.

To further define the concept of toast, toasted bread is typically comprised of a loaf of bread cut into slices which are browned by heat. Historically, toast is served in the form of slices, but often bread can be cut into vari-ous shapes and sizes and may even be toasted in a pan. Although you may be

familiar with this concept of toast, or maybe have even tried attempting it in the past, you may learn how to perfect your technique with this recipe.

Making toast is not for everyone — in fact, it may even be challenging and dangerous to do. During the process, you could electrocute yourself while plugging in the toaster, burn your fin-gers getting the toast out, or burn the roof of your mouth if you try to eat it too quickly. I urge you to be very cau-tious when you make this recipe and to take all the necessary precautions.

Although rather dangerous, this recipe just might be the best thing since sliced bread.

ToastYield: Approx. 1 piece of toastWhat you’ll need: toaster, plate, knife

Bread, slicedSpread for bread, optional (e.g., butter, jam)

Plug toaster into wall; if toaster is not plugged in, toasting will not occur. If the loaf of bread is pre-sliced, remove piece from bag and place in upright position in the toaster; if the loaf is not pre-sliced, use knife to cut bread into slices that will fit into the toaster slot (slices may be cut thick or thin) and insert slice of bread into the toaster. Adjust toaster heat level based on thick-ness of bread and your preference of toast; low (approx. level 1, 2) = lightly browned, medium (approx. level 3, 4) = perfectly browned, high (approx. level 5, 6) = slightly to completely charred. Push the lever down on the front of the toaster to begin toasting process; this will take approximately 1–4 minutes. You do not need to do anything during this time as the toast will pop up when done. When the toast pops and is crisped to your liking, remove extremely hot bread from the toaster; if the toast gets stuck inside the toaster, do not remove with metal object until toaster has been unplugged from the wall. Place toast on plate. Carefully spread on topping of choice with knife on side of bread facing upward, making sure to cover the entire surface. Toast will be ready to eat once cooled slightly.

Someday in the future, you may find yourself part of a wedding party or in a social gathering where you must give a toast, a time for honoring someone spe-cial in your life with a piece of sliced

Making a Toast

bread. After you present them with a piece of toast, typically the toaster says something embarrassing about the toastee and also says heartfelt words to the honored person or couple.

Happy Thursday, everyone, and welcome back to the land of the sleep-free and the home of social brevity. Now, again, you have to refigure your schedule and find when you can eat spinach, drink water, and make merry. However, there is good news: It’s spring quarter! It's the most beautiful quarter of the year, and the most ideal for running.

Excited as I am for running in my new shoes, I went out to find new research that might shed a better light on the best run-ning techniques. So, before my last run, I read the following research.

The first that caught my eye was research at the University of Oregon, renowned for its running programs and for being the home of Steve Prefontaine. From a set of

trials of over 600 students, faculty, and staff wherein they tested barefoot running technology, they found, yet again, that bare-foot running provides a viable alternative to traditional shoes. They did find that it was best to have some kind of protection, however, such as the Vibram five-toed shoes that have become so popular. However, these shoes are inordinately expensive, and they found that merely taking your socks off and taking the insoles out of your shoes can provide a similar running platform. I have wanted Vibrams for some time, so I was very glad to read of this discovery. Off my socks came and out my insoles went!

Next, I turned to some research I found published by Stanford University. As they are another campus, they set out to find new ways to make running a more com-prehensive workout. They found that, of their test subjects, those who spent a sig-nificant portion of their workout time run-ning backward (over 25 percent) were able

to build up different muscle groups and significantly augment the already-present workout benefits. So, halfway through, I would run backwards. I also realized this would be very convenient, as I could return exactly the same way I came.

Finally, I came upon a UCLA publication that will benefit my interpersonal skills. Researchers at UCLA found that thinking during running can be a relationally risky behavior. Since running is not altogether the most relaxing, soothing, or comfortable behavior, researchers found that, of those test subjects who thought about friends while running, most resulted in negative thoughts toward those they thought about. Indeed, the subjects’ next interaction with the person they thought about usually began negatively. However, once the run was over and the subjects were experiencing their dopamine highs, researchers found that it was very beneficial to think about others, especially those with whom the subjects

might have already had a conflict. Due to the “runner’s high,” subsequent interactions between subjects and those they thought about were generally positive. Reading this, I immediately made a mental note to think about friends and family after I ran, and only to think about AIDS and world hunger during.

Thankfully, I haven’t yet gone on this run (blisters don’t suit me). While U of O, Stan-ford, and UCLA are doing much better work than I say they are, try running back-wards sometime (safely!), since it actually does help build muscles that stabilize your knee.1 Likewise, there is a truth to the “run-ner’s high”: though running shouldn’t actu-ally change how you feel about someone, it can change how you feel about yourself, your health, and your fitness — confidence in which can go a long way in improving your relationships with others. Now go out and get some vitamin D!

How to Make Toast: A Guide

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4 April 2013Page 6

1. Victor Wallenkampf, M.D.; personal interview.

Amy AldermanFood

Karl WallenkampfHealth & Wellness

April Fools’ Day is a day that will live in absurdity. Unfortunately, depending on which side you are on, April first is the perfect opportunity for misfits, pranksters, and even the media to pull some legs and cause some confusion. Thanks to the Internet, I have compiled a few of the best mass-media April Fools’ Day pranks for your delighted pleasure.

Thomas Edison’s Magic Food Creator, 1878 One of the oldest media pranks, America was convinced of this new technological breakthrough when The Daily Graphic published it more than a hundred years ago. This machine, “the Food Creator,” was a “machine that would feed the human race!” How, exactly, was unclear, but it would be able to manufacture meat, vegetables, biscuits, and wine using only water, air, and “common earth.” America knew that Edison was a genius, so he received a flood of letters from all parts of the country about the machine.

The Return of Nixon, 1992 NPR made the bold prank of announcing that Richard Nixon, who in 1974 became the only U.S. president to resign from office, was running for president again. The slogan of Nixon’s new campaign, according to NPR, was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” The joke only lasted a few minutes, as they didn’t want to upset too many politicians.

Nat Tate, 1998 Author William Boyd wanted to publicize his new biography about famous American artist Nat Tate, so he and some collaborators arranged a giant launch party in NYC on April 1. David Bowie was even there reading extracts from the book, leading crowds to appreciate the great artist. The twist? Tate didn’t exist. The book was a mock biography, though the event still raised £7,250 for charity.

Pi Rewritten, 2008 An executive with the Microsoft Institute for Advanced Technology in Governments revealed an updated value for pi that had been determined by Microsoft Research. The new value of pi was actually a definitive 3.141999, or as expressed in company literature, “three easy payments of 1.047333.”

Swiss Spaghetti Harvest, 1957 The BBC decided to air a story on the fragile Swiss spaghetti crop, a key European food source. Including footage of peasants picking strands of pasta from trees, the BBC advised viewers on how to grow their own spaghetti garden. Around eight million viewers watched and were convinced that “after picking, the spaghetti is laid out to dry in the warm Alpine air.”

Color (Nylon) TV, 1962 In Sweden at this time, television was still in black and white. On April 1, the station brought in a “technical expert” to describe a new way to turn your TV to color without a

Aprillipäivä Anthems

1. nbcnews.com/id/46908254 and guardian.co.uk/culture/gall- ery/2012/apr/01/10-best-april-fool-hoaxes.

The master of pop melodrama tells the tale of how the classic day of fools can humble anybody’s romantic notions. Hallelujah, the day of pranks is here.

Rufus Wainright"April Fools"

hardware upgrade. Viewers were to take an old nylon stocking and put it over the TV set, although they may have to move their heads back and forth to align the color spectrum. Color TV didn’t come to Sweden for another four years.

Left-Handed Burgers, 1998 Burger King ran an ad in USA Today saying people could get a Whopper specially created for left-handed people. The ad claimed that the condiments were designed to drip out of the right side. Apparently, the insides were rotated 180 degrees, which obviously makes a huge difference. Customers ordered the new burgers, but some specifically requested the “old” right-handed original anyway.

PETA’s Fish Pills, 2001 When a big fishing competition was scheduled for April 1 on Lake Palestine in Texas, the notorious animal-rights group PETA promised to dissolve sleeping pills in to the lake to knock the fish out for the day and to spare them from being caught. Local newspapers took it seriously and complained of “borderline terroristic methods.” On the big day, park rangers were soon in position around the lake to stop any PETA members carrying armfuls of tranquilizer tablets.1

The shortest song on the Louisiana indie rock band’s final album could serve as any prankee’s swan song. Essentially, it’s a funeral march with various instruments, perfect to play as your classmate discovers his or her room has been filled with balloons.

Neutral Milk Hotel"The Fool"

The Australian rockers behind “Sweet Disposition” croon of desire and wants of fools in the world, filled in with their soft drums and chill synth pad. This song’s a good one to sing when you’re aching to make it to April 2.

The Temper Trap"Fools"

Long before the A Team and Mr. T’s famous saying came along, establishing its cultural preeminence, Bobby made success with a song of the same title. A swell tune to sing as you observe the terrible follies of April 1.

Bobby “Blue” Bland"I Pity the Fool"

Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers

"Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" To answer the question asked in this song, I have no good answers. However, Frankie the teen star does with this early hit of the 1950s. Note to freshman: Don’t go falling in love on April Fools’ Day; it won’t be real.

The legacy of the North Carolina rockers may have been built upon the bashing riffs and attitudes of the early ’90s, but this album showed newfound maturity with this ballad of heartbreak.

Superchunk"Like a Fool"

It turns out more people write songs about fools than they do the state of Delaware. There must be many fools around that have learned from their experiences. Listen to these foolish tunes and to past playlists online at tinyurl.com/a3cqe5y.

Spring is finally here, and the flowers and blossoming trees have done a couple of things. Not only have they clogged my nasal passages, but they have also melted my heart. Yes, world: I’m finally happy. Happiness has finally pen-etrated my body. To top off my happiness, my BFF (big-fannied friend) Kim Kardashian is having a baby! The only thing that would make me happier is if I were on a couch snuggling with Cee Lo Green (and his parrot) while watching Steve Buscemi twerk. Does that sound like a beautiful picture to you? It does to me. I blame all of this newfound happiness on a restful spring break, the fact that I don’t have to take any more math classes, and my increase in kitten-video watching. So, everyone, take my advice: take the rest of the week off. Who really needs a college education these days? I don’t. Happiness is simple; as Helen Keller once said — YOLO.

4 April 2013 Page 7

Grant PerdewCulture

Eric WeberDiversions

4 April 2013Page 8

In these dangerous and trying times, I have 623 words for you, my dear sweet spring onions: constant vigilance. Love is blooming like a perennial canker. I smell flowers in the air, and everywhere I observe their immodestly displayed organs. Fawning sinners can be seen flaunting unclothed ankles around campus, drinking their iced-mocha drugs, and wearing gaudy decorative jewelry. If you’re not careful, one of the devil’s instruments may tempt you to love.

Let’s be clear — I don’t mean love like khobeb, Hebrew for God’s love for the people. No, I’m talking about död, and gäbäh, Hebrew words for sin.1 Yes, sweet onions, sadly spring is one of the devil’s most colorful ruses. Just look at the thorny rose, who is sweet smelling and beautiful, but equally ready to poke with its many long pricks. Love is surely a danger.

What’s more, Love is lazy of you. English poet Edward Thomas writes on the evils of love in his poem “As the Team’s Head

Brass.” The poem’s speaker describes the labors of a ploughman rutting in the soil and remembers his own friends now fighting in the muddy trenches of the First World War. When Thomas’s speaker observes two lovers running off into the trees, his point is clear: The weak-willed, hot-blooded, shifty-eyed, probably Irish miscreants are shirking their duties to family and country. They are being selfish, concerned only with their gäbäh-fueled escapism, trying to fill their moral holes with död. They are failing to contribute to the greater causes of society. You too will forget friends, family, homework, and other commitments if you give in to your desire for a sinful död-filled existence.

Just listen to your insecurities. God put them there for a reason, and fear can be your salvation if you let it. You’re right: You probably aren’t good enough for that x. There probably is someone better than

you out there, waiting for your x to fall right into their arms. Why force yourself through the contortions and compromises of pre-marital dating only to break up in a year and watch your x get hitched a few months later anyway? Just get off their landing strip and make way for true love. Life isn’t about exploring, discovering, or learning anything new about yourself or anyone you know. Just be happy with what you’ve got. Don’t risk being rejected or humiliated.

Pursuit of död and gäbäh opens you up and puts you at risk! Remember, loose lips sink ships, and if you so much as speak your love there’s no telling when you’ll go down. Life in Adventism means that every cutie you’re not related to is probably your sister’s best friend, and if you tell that Babe-raham Lincoln you’re interested, everyone will know! After they make you cry, and you try to blame

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Emily Muthersbaugh

HEAD LAYOUT EDITORRicky Barbosa

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CREATIVE WRITING EDITORKayla Albrecht

OPINION EDITORSElliott BergerGrant Gustavsen

FEATURE EDITORSBraden AndersonElizabeth JonesJames MayneChristian Robins

CULTURE EDITORGrant Perdew

DIVERSIONS EDITOREric Weber

TRAVEL EDITORMegan Cleveland

HEALTH & WELLNESS EDITORKarl Wallenkampf

SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY EDITORSpencer Cutting

FOOD EDITOR Amy Alderman

SPORTS EDITORSTrevor BoysonTye Forshee

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EDITORIAL BOARDBraden AndersonJaclyn ArcherElliott BergerPhilip DuclosRob FolkenbergGrant GustavsenElizabeth JonesJames MayneEmily MuthersbaughChristian RobinsJulian Weller

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The Collegian is the official publication of ASWWU. Its views and opinions are not necessarily the official stance of Walla Walla University or its administration, faculty, staff, or students. This is an April Fools’ issue, so read with discernment. Questions, letters, and comments can be mailed to aswwu.collegian@wallawalla.edu or emily.muthersbaugh@wallawalla.edu. This issue was completed at 2:20 a.m. on 4 April 2013.

The Collegian | Volume 97, Issue 12 | 204 S. College Avenue | College Place, WA 99324 | collegian.wallawalla.edu

your wussy, wussy tears on onions or allergies, that stud/babe muffin will tell all their friends how awkward you were. It’s not worth it, lads and ladies.

Love and breakups only hurt you and remind you of death, and the whole point of Easter and springtime is that we don’t have to die anymore. Ask yourself, “Who did Jesus date?” Answer yourself, “Nobody, you dump truck.” Dating wasn’t in the Garden of Eden either. Obviously God didn’t want us to partake of those particular fruits. They are just too tempting, and God didn’t give Jacob his ladder so that Jacob could fall off trying to pluck at passion fruits. Love starts small, like a mustard seed, but soon grows into an untamed, bitter bush.

Remember, onions: Be temperate, like the spring climate. April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Sin and death. Love is unnatural and should be stamped out like the poisonous serpent it is.

Julian Weller His Holiness

SUPERJEWEL QUEST

“It’s like cooties, but spiritual cooties.”

— Carl Cosaert on Joseph’s solitary dining

“I just said something really powerful!”— Tony Wuerfel

“I’m trying to think of a disease that doesn’t sound like an STD.”

— Jeremiah Burt, trying to avoid a hug

“It’s the only fast-food establishment where I would consider buying clothes.”

— Elisabeth Ritacca, on In-N-Out Burger

“We should have that in French — badonkadonk.”

— Jean-Paul Grimaud, on slang

your last relationship.

“Rosario students put Jim Nester’s toilet on an island while he was on a field trip.”

Spencer Cutting

“In high school we took a girl’s car, hid her tires, and put her car on cinder blocks.”

Tiffany Nelson

“They poured chocolate milk on the principal’s car, and then they all got suspended.”

Jennifer Landaverde

“I know some people who put Post-Its all over someone’s car.”

Jake Patterson

“I gave all my friends candy that tasted like fish.”

Taylor Crosby

Questers, SJQ continues despite holiday hijinx and regime rewinding. As always, follow the clues, find the jewels, and email me for fabulous prizes. Check sjqww.tumblr.com for hints. Nothing will keep us apart.

Photo by Josh McKinney

1. Don’t look them up. You’ll be tempted by your new knowledge, and Eden teaches us that knowledge is sinful. Just look at La Sierra’s biology department.