vol 7, issue 3
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Ramdiculous PageTRANSCRIPT
As I’m sure you are all aware, there has been a recent brash of thievery on campus. Chalkboard erasers are disap‐pearing left and right. Professors are continually left having to use nearby students to remove their mistakes from the board, and as I’m sure you can all imagine, this is quite embarrassing for said students. Who wants to be picked up by a professor and rubbed against a chalkboard, not to mention the un‐sightly butt‐chalk that is sure to result. It’s settled then, the eraser thieves must be stopped. They are leaving our stu‐dents in a precarious position, and we won’t stand for it anymore. I believe that we should pressure the police to step up and do something. My personal preference, exploding erasers. That will both make it easy to catch the culprits and punish them for their horrible crimes thus killing two birds with one eraser (which I might add is another possible use for these erasers).
For some reason, the police won’t listen to me about my idea though. They keep ignoring me and telling me to “get help” and “shut up” and “get off their cars.” They have no respect for me and my ideas, so I need you to harass them* as I have been, and maybe, just maybe we can get them to see it our way, and these criminals will have their hands blown off just like they deserve. Also, on an unrelated note, it has been discov‐
ered that a certain former student body president is actually smarter than he looks. I know you have all seen Mr. Cho‐mout around campus and thought to yourself, “How did he ever make it into college?” I’ve thought the same thing, and I’m still perplexed as to how some‐one who looks so stupid can be so smart, but it turns out he is. I mean, he’s not that smart, but compared to how he appears, he’s a stinking genius. It turns out he’s actually very near earning a degree in math. I mean wow! Who would have ever looked at this guy and thought it was possible, I know I didn’t. Now, let’s not count our chickens before their hatched, he still has to pass Analy‐sis, and that’s not walk in the park even for really smart people, but I just think he may do it. To the amazement of us all, but it might happen, just watch. Any‐way, back to the eraser thieves. Anyone who steals erasers deserves to have their hands blown
Continued on page 3
By: Samuel Clemens
Volume 7, Issue 3 National Respect Day September 18, 2009
Angelo State’s Finest Paper Since Fall 2006
From the wall of
Chef Jason’s Deli
Picture of the week
Problem With Thieves
“Don’t make me do stuff” –George W. Bush (Family Guy)
Quote of the Week
2
George Ferguson’s Ramdiculous Reader Involvement
Each week, or occasionally, our old “rant man” G‐Ferg will be challenging you, the Ramdiculous Readers to write an article about a RANDOM topic. Are you ready to take the challenge? You will win things, you never know, it could be a t‐shirt or a trip to the Bahamas or even a new CAR!!! The choice to participate is yours and yours alone… now enter the Temple of George Ferguson’s nightmares, here is your first challenge...
What do you think about aliens? If you can write us a great article
we will give you a gift card...
O b a m a F i l e s President Obama needs to be stopped. He’s on a killing spree. He’s out for blood, and his thirst for it cannot be satiated. I heard he killed another fly the other day at the Whitehouse. How is there not bigger outrage about this? He his taking away those flies’ God‐given right to life! It’s an abomina‐tion. We have to stop him or else he will keep on
killing. And it won’t end with flies. Next he will start killing lady bugs, then caterpillars, then frogs, then lions, then before you know it he’ll try to kill babies!
So my inbox was com‐pletely empty this week to the point that I wonder if you (the unfortunate reader of this arti‐cle) have just bluntly avoided my email when you got on the web. Did you put a firewall around it or something cause I am offended. I mean none of my friends keep up with my article (Most haven’t even read it). I know I am a crazy guy that talks through his fingers to much to a large group of people that fell for the subliminal messaging in this article and the ones before it but come on I need love and Ritalin too. I get lonely too. The reason I think none of you write a complaint or propose a chal‐lenge of words is that you all know that you will lose horribly against me. Yea that’s it you fear the definite failure that comes with challenging me. You all should get down on the ground and worship this article now as if it where a god because it is the work of a god with a habit of
cuddling with small fluffy ani‐mals. Fear me as dogs fear vac‐uum cleaners. I the almighty and powerful, The ruler of the seven seas, The Captain of the Ship the Dirty Whore, The Atolla of Rock and Rolla, The Dean of Mean, The Thunder to the Dome, The pirate of Portu‐gal, here by challenge you the reader to deify my will and wont. My any of you that be brave enough and not fear death by herring try to outwit my logic. My many maidens weep at your demise and death for none shall defeat me the lord of the word of the space provided to me by the Ramdicu‐lous Gods. I laugh in your cats face, I fart in your general direc‐tion, I dare you to dare the dar‐ing of my dare yea who be faint of heart. For those that are hard of reading my email address is [email protected]. May those of higher power pity you for I wont.
‐Captain FuzzyBeard
The Madness of Men
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off. Also, on another unre‐lated topic, our normal front page writer took the week off, so if you’re sitting there
thinking, “Good Lord, this article sucks,” don’t blame me, I did my best. It’s not my fault we’ve all grown accustomed to his brilliance. Hopefully next week he will be back, and you won’t have to read my crap.
*Ramdiculous does not condone the harassment of law enforcement officers
Continued from cover
Crappy Article
Rattlesnakes die Chipmunks cry Bullwinkle’s antlers have begun to dry Marshmellows fry Anteaters eat lye I don’t ever want to die
We are your voice, the voice of the Students of Angelo State. Be heard, we would like to know what you love about ASU, what you hate about ASU and what you think needs to be changed around here. We are here for
YOU!
If you have a comment, complaint, concern, or question, don’t hesitate to contact us. Via email [email protected], via phone
(325) 942‐2063, via our suggestion box in the UC, in our office UC 133 or even come attend our meetings at 6 PM on Monday nights.
Dearest College of Science Students:
If you are interested in writing Knowing Knature for the Ram‐diculous Page, please contact Dr. Toni Sauncy @ [email protected] (or call her at home, 325‐223‐2292, as found on the website http://people.yahoo.com/) or the Ramdiculous Page @ [email protected].
We need a student that is good a science, no writing experi‐
ence necessary, and wants to have funnnnn.
—EDITOR RAMDICULOUS
Thoughts to Ponder Why does the word "Filipino"
start with the letter F?
If you had x‐ray vision and you could see through anything,
wouldn’t you see through every‐thing and see nothing at all?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why don't they just make mouse‐flavored cat food?
So what's the speed of dark?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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Poetry Time
4
A girl at the public pool is looking "really good" in her string bikini until someone notices the string from her tampon is hanging out of her swim suit. No one tells her, even though
everyone sees.
Awkwardness... now an
interactive
media
experience
ramdiculous.com/store
A STRANGE TURN OF EVENTS Ya know how we're all al‐
lowed to have a 10 gallon fishtank in our room? And in said fishtank, we're only allowed to have fish. Are narwhals considered fish? I am seriously considering breeding some miniature narwhals to keep in my 10 gallon fishtank. Goldfish are just plain boring. But miniature narwhals are guaranteed to jazz up a dorm room with their freakish appearance! Something that would be even more of a treat would be a seahorse/narwhal hybrid. It would be like a sea unicorn! Just imagin‐ing a bunch of little sea unicorns floating around in a fishtank in my dorm makes my cerebrum vortex nearly implode out of sheer de‐light!
Speaking of sheer delight, I recently went on an excursion to Whataburger. I ate a very tasty cheeseburger. I was amazed by the quality of the cheeseburger be‐cause it was 2 in the morning on a weekday. I assumed that the only people working at a fast food joint that time of night on a weekday would be pissed off middle‐aged shrews that would like nothing more than to make poor quality cheeseburgers for the unsuspect‐ing late‐night customers. Boy, was I wrong! That burger was nothing less than fantasmic.
Speaking of fantasmic, I no‐ticed the other day that the pat‐terns on the tables in the cafeteria are quite intricate. I got quite friendly with one of those tables when i nearly passed out on it due to sleep deprivation. I figured that because I fell into a bubbling vat of toxic waste the other day and am now a cyborg, that i wouldn't need as much sleep as i used to. But alas, I was wrong once again. Turns out that cyborgs need their beauty rest as well. Remember that little les‐son the next time that you fall into a vat of toxic waste. It will come in handy, mock my words...
Speaking of lessons, here's one for you: Don't text while you're at work. I have a friend that was taken to the hospital last week because, while he was texting, 300 pounds of steel cable fell on him. He was luckily wearing a hard hat, but he still got a minor concussion and dislocated his shoulder. An‐other friend of mine was texting at work and accidentally ran into a door. His only injuries were to his pride. Either way, texting at work is a bad idea. Bad for your health and bad for your ego. Just take that bit of information and chew it over like a stale piece of cud.
Happy pondering to all of you!
—Pseudo Nim
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Katherine (or Katie as she likes to be called) is quite a person. She’s majoring in math, she’s an R.A., and on top of both of those she regu‐larly takes in sick, homeless monkeys and nurses them back to health. She’s not per‐fect though, I’m pretty sure that she has O.C.D. Try mark‐ing on her notes, or messing something up in her room, and see the look she’ll give you. Katie is an awesome person though and fun to be around, you just have to be careful because she’s a red head, and we all know red heads are really just blondes with high blood pressure.
RAM OF THE WEEK
Katherine Eyre
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7
The Incredible Question
Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?
Well, she’s no longer on televi‐
sion, that’s for sure —Greg Hickey
Back in 1999, where I left her on my floppy drive —Sarah Sanchez
Hopefully at the South Pole, fixing global warming —Jaymie Trimble
With Waldo
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R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, [email protected] or website www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.
Sudoku
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday
Responsible Dog Ownership Day
(I’m not responsible enough)
Sunday
Women’s Friendship Day (Interesting this is on a Sunday)
Monday
World’s Alzheimer’s Day (Don’t forget)
Tuesday Hobbit Day
(Ice Cream anyone?)
Wednesday 1st Beer Day
Thursday 2nd Beer Day
(there are actually 3 beer days… next Friday is the 3rd)
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