The Newspaper For Science Students

Clinton Licks Bush i nUS Presidential Race

Vol 6 No 5 ,>> 4 Nov '92

Be there or be an n -dimensional hypercube . . .

ing legend! Of course, there ' sthe added attraction of thes efine beverages, all for the lo wlow price of ONE DOLLAR :

Roger Watts

External Vampire

Washington (CUP) — Byan impressive margin ,Democratic Party candidateBill Clinton was swept intothe White House Tuesday .

Though the popular votewas close, there was a widemargin in the vote in theElectoral College .

Republican candidateGeorge Bush, the incumbent ,conceded to Clinton after theDemocratic candidateattained the 270 College seat snecessary for a victory . Majortelevision stations declaredClinton the unofficial winne rshortly after his victory in thekey (albeit somewha tmediocre to look at) battle -ground state of Ohio.

"The people have spoken, "said Bush . "We respect thatthere democratic system, doin'whatever that thing is thatDemocrats do. "

Bush also, cryptically ,thanked his running mateDanforth Quayle for "stickingit out . " He declined to identi-

caps one of the most success-fully-run campaigns in UShistory . Less than a year ago ,Clinton ' s campaign was belea-guered by allegations of a nextramarital affair .

Clinton's accuser, Ms .Gennifer "Spot " Flowers, anactress/model, has sinc edropped out of the public eyeand joined up with Ms. FawnHall, Ms. Donna Rice, andMs. Jessica Hahn to preparefor the 1996 Presidentia lElection on the Snubbed -Briefly-Famous-Tarts ticket .

Ms. Flowers had no print-able comment on her allegedex-lover's attainment of th ePresidency .

Diminuitive Independentcandidate H . Ross Pero l: alsoconceded defeat, his true con-tribution to the race seen ashelping to pave the way forfuture independent candi-dates . Perot won approximate-ly 19% of the popular vote ,yet failed to secure a singl eElectoral College vote .

The teeny Texan called onClinton to "turn this country

around," and blamed his poorshowing on his choice of run-ning mate, archaic Admira lJohn Stockdale .

"See, see, this is just sad,"

said Perot, as he and his sup -porters watched Stockdal ewalk into a wall, bounce offand fall mumbling into thehotel pool . "I thought I hada winner in an admiral forVeep. What the hay-ell war swas he an admiral in, any -how? The Napoleonic Wars?"

At this point, it remains t obe seen how this shift ofpower to the south will affec tUS-Canada relations . BrianMulroney called the outcomea "pleasant surprise," andadded that Clinton "has achin that I can really relate toa lot better . "

Johan Thornton, a con-tender in the Radical Bee rFaction leadership race, andErik Jensen, the spokesmanfor the Faction, were both ine-briated, incarcerated, andawaiting arraignment at presstime, and were hence unavail-able for comment .

Okay, kids, listen up . Now' swhen I get to make up for th elast couple of issues when I hadzip-ola to tell you . Because thistime, there 's all sorts of inter-esting things for me to cro wabout .

First off, I'm very proud tosay that the Science Sport sBeer Garden of October 23rdwas a complete and utter suc-cess, in terms of fun if notmoney . It ' s amazing how muchbeer one can sell at fifty cent sa cup. Suffice to say that a newsales record was set — six kegsin 98 minutes flat, shattering th eold mark . Our apologies t othose who got there fashion -ably late and consequentl ymissed it all, but we really can' tafford to sell too much of i tthat cheap — we took a bathas it is . However, it 's bound t ohappen again sooner or later,so keep your eyes peeled .

But now, let's talk about thefuture — or, more specifically,about this coming Friday,November 6th. You see, that isthe day of the most eagerly -awaited social event of theyear . . . that's right, it's the JonCampbell-Dinkleheimer-SmithSemi-Memorial Dance . It'll b ein the SUB Ballroom at8 :00pm, and will be attende dby Dinkleheimer himself, socome on out and meet the liv-

- MAls@n Dr@- Sh@ftsb@ry Cr@@m Al @- peach & apple c@dArs

hi@AbAlls & sh@AtArs ( abuck an ounce )

We can't actually print th enames . It's against UBC policy .

Anyhoo, the dance promise sto be a real blast . But if youwant tickets (which, by theway, are FREE), you ' ll have tohurry! They've been going likehotcakes, and there aren' tmany left . You can get them a tSUS or from Science Counci lmembers. Hope to see yo uthere !

And finally, here's a bignyahh-nyahh-nyahh to all youguys who didn ' t get involved i nSUS this year, because thi sweekend will see the famou sannual AMS StudentLeadership Conference tak eplace up at the Whistle rCabin . (And if you think it' sone of those stodgy old confer-ences where everyone just sit saround and yawns . . . well, Iwon ' t spoil the suspense fo rthose who did come out andget involved . Let 's just say tha tit ' s one of the perks of thejob . )

So come get a ticket forFriday, and be a part of a trulyhistoric event . Later.

Heee's Baaaaa-ack!It ' s official. He's back .This Thursday will see the return of

none other than Jon Campbell -Dinkleheimer-Smith, former SU SDirector of Sports, to the hallowedhalls of UBC. SUS officials confirmedthe imminent arrival of the Society' sfavorite son.

Jon' s one-weelc stay will be high-lighted by his presiding over th edance bearing his name, as guest ofhonor, on Friday November 6th, an dby his appearance at the AMSStudent Leadership Conference a tWhistler over the weekend . Furthe rdetails of Mr. Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith's itinerary wer enot released, but SUS External Vice -President Roger Watts did speculat ethat "one or two nights on one ofthose benches outside the Pit migh t

"Actually, I was just kidding, but hey, I'll take it . . ."

be a very distinct possibility . "From that was born the Jo n

Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi -Memorial Slush Fund, a private foun-dation that sucessfully raised the nec-essary $448 in twenty minutes flat ,mostly from friends, acquaintancesand, most notably, Jon's parents, who"fell down laughing when they hear dabout it," said SUS Room Manage rErik "The Fish " Jensen .

The Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi-Memorial Dance will beheld in the SUB Ballroom, and wil lfeature free admission, rock/pop musicby Shawn & Nick of CiTR, and avariety of festive beverages (includingShaftsbury Cream Ale) for one dollareach. Tickets are available in theSUS offices, and are apparently goingfast.

2

The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 5 ' 4 Nov '92

(define . Canadian 'eh?) 1992/93 TEACHING AWARDS

IN THE FACULTY OF SCIENC E

McCUAIG

The US Marine Corps ,never the most culturally sen-sitive of organizations, man -aged to pull a real coup degrace (or coop duh gracie ifyou're from the States) duringGame Two of the Worl dSeries . (asst ed: By the way, di dyou know that the GeorgianLegislative Charter definnescoup de grace as `to mow th elawn'? No blarney . . . )

For those who've been i nhiding due to midterms, letme summarize : In a show ofinternational brotherhood ,the RCMP Color Guard car-ried Old Glory during theplaying of the nationa lanthems, while a Marine i nfull dress blues carried th eMaple Leaf.

Too bad the only botanyyou tend to learn in boo tcamp pertains to defoliation .Otherwise, the Jarhead twitmight have realized that th eleafs supposed to be pointyend up, stem down.

We were, in typicall yCanadian fashion, enraged . . .but not really.

Reflecting on it, I can ' t saythat ' s a bad reaction . I mean,think about what would hav ehappened had the RCMP hadflown the American flagupside-down . Parliament Hil lwould have been giving a big ,warm "howdy " to a couple ofcruise missiles . And, ofcourse, we'd get to watch itall on CNN .

"This is Peter Arnett ,reporting live from the Houseof Commons in Ottawa. Thebig news right now is that th eUSS Nimitz seems to be hav-ing some trouble getting upthe St . Lawrence . However, i tis within Tomahawk missilerange, and we expect one tocome in the door anymoment now. Ah yes, here i tcomes no—(followed by aHUSE - Horrendou sUnspellable Sound Effect) "

This show of Canadianspirit couldn ' t have come at aworse time for the Yes-men inthe government . Think howyou'd feel : you've just spentthree months tellingCanadians that they have nonational identity, and thateven thinking about voting"No" will prompt the breakupof the country . Then, horrorof horrors, the entire countryrallies behind a baseball teamfrom (shudder) Toronto . Kindof ironic, in a StephenLeacock-ish sense (000 ,Canadian content!), consider-ing that Toronto is the mostwidely reviled city in Canada .Then, the Americans give u san inadvertent slap in the

national face, prompting ashow of (another shudder )patriotism.

Well, such as it was, Iguess. Torontonians boughtan awful lot of Americanflags, and were planning to fl ythem upside down in retalia-tion. The rest of us chalked i tup the same `American ' atti-tude that results in such ques-tions as "How many states arethere in Canada, again?" , and"Do your igloos stay frozen inthe summer, or do you hav eto make a new one everyautumn?" (I wish I was jokingabout the latter question .Edmonton ' s cold, but real-ly . . .) . I believe our belovedand brilliant leader, whats-his-chin, called the boo-boo"grave " .

Had enough yet, youoppressive war-mongeringhuns ?

Anyway, since I'm feelin gso proud of my (non -Americanness t~

Canadianness) today, I' mgoing to pull an Air Canadaand show our Quebec country -men that there ' s no hard feel-ings. I'll summarize my articlein that most wondrous of lan-guages, le francais quebecois .Anyone wishing to have acomplete translation shoul dcome by the SUS office .

So, here we goOh, by the way, I spent a

fair bit of the summer speak-ing France 's french, so I mightbe a bit off on some of theslang . Bear with me . Anyway,without further ado :

Les US Marines ont fly ehnotre drapeau renvers eh pen-dant da World Series. Le sMarines sont des twits . Nous ,les Canadiens, devenaientenrag ehs . . . un bit . Si nousavons flyeh da drapeauAmericain renvers eh, notreweekend sera ruineh parceque les Americainsenvahisseront da Canada (e tda bataille sera televised surCNN) . On meh prise d aToronto. Notre premier min-istre, qu'est-ce-que-c ' est-son-menton, est intelligent . Pas .

Well, I 've done my parttowards keeping Quebec's lan-guage in its present pure state .Vive le Queh bec !

(Note: just to save my ownskin, let me say that this isnot meant as an insult toCanadian francophones. It i sintended to reflect reality . I ' dbe happy to discuss it ineither language if you areoffended . )

Oh, yeah, and to avoid anymore mis-singings of ournational anthem (for shame ,Tom!), I 'd like to reproducethe Official Language -Independent Version of 0

Canada! I know, it's a painremembering the "we standon guard" bit when you'rehosed, like Tom Co— Wait ,my lawyers are saying some -thing. Cut out that last bit ?Oh, okay. And if you ' ve justwatched a game at the Forumin Montreal, well, that'll screwyou up even more . A lot ofyou hockey fans may alreadyknow these, so come on &sing along :

O Canada! (Officia lLanguage-IndependentVersion )

O Canada !Mumble mumble mumble

mumble <hack! hack!> ,Dah dah dah dah dah dah .Da-a-Ah-ah-ah Do-oo-Oo-oo ,Mumble mumble mumble

mumble murmur mumble .Da mumble da da, 0 Canada ,Ahh-da-daaaa-duh-da-da-dadAAAA! (dumdumdum . . . )

Hm, hm hm hmmmmHm-hm-hmm de deh .O Canada, da-da-da Doo d a

da Daaaaa !O Canada, da-da-da Doo d a

da Daaaaa !

Thanks/Merci .

RH 3"Its nothing serious . . .

January 199 3

Ryan

Duck Soup

To promote a greater appreciation for the importance of and t oacknowledge outstanding contributions made in teaching thre emembers of the Faculty of Science will be selected to receive awards o f$5 .000 each .

Those eligible to be nominated for these awards are full-time facilitymembers appointed on or before July 1 1992 in any of the Faculty' sDepartments . The following criteria will be taken into consideration inmalting the selection:

1. Development of course materia l2. Presentation3. Innovative approaches to teaching methodology or curricul a4. Responsiveness to students' intellectual and personal need s5. Ability to motivate students and stimulate critical thinkin g6. Sustained teaching excellence

Nominations for these awards may be submitted by ScienceFaculty, by Students and by Alumni . Each nomination must beaccompanied by a statement summarizing the accomplishments of th enominee. Supporting evidence may also be submitted with thestatement.

Teaching performance will be assessed by a Committee appointe dby the Dean of Science. In arriving at their final selection, members o fthe Committee may attend lectures . laboratory sessions and tutorials .interview the candidates, their peers and students enrolled in theircourses, and examine course materials .

Nominations will be welcome as soon as ppoossible, and no later tha nFebruary 1, 1993. Nominations should be submitted to :

Michael Gerry, chairmanCommittee on Teaching Awards

Dean's Offic eFaculty of Science

DA~e: No yeM.de, 6, 1112P(Aee: I .k•C. #1Time: 4:30pm - 7:30pm

gee : 4A :4eh!

BOOCOMSTRT ,PETSOOLOGT 9PEARAACOLOOTCOMB

At the American Society of Xenophobes Recruiting Drive

Vol 6 No 5 4 Nov '92 The Four Thirty-Two

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Is UBC truly committe dto teaching? Depending onwho you ask, there are tw odifferent answers that you ca nget. Those answers are no tunlike the ones preached inthe recent CanadianConstitutional Conundrum :there are those who willanswer " yes " , and those whowill answer "no" .

People who say " yes "

have some valid points. Lastyear, after reviewing the wayteaching evaluations wereconducted, the UBC Senateapproved a report whichstrengthened them. Sometimein the next three years, th eSenate will revisit the issue tosee what has been the result .Yea-sayers also point to th eFaculty DevelopmentProgram, whose goal it is toprovide faculty with program sand resources so that they ca nimprove their teaching.Having received new fundingfrom the President's Office,they are now in the process ofestablishing a centre fo rfaculty development .

Nevertheless, one cannotdeny what the nay-sayerspoint out . While newresearch facilities are beingbuilt, there is a shortage ofclassrooms on campus. Whatclassrooms do exist are i npoor condition, with burnt-out lights, poor ventilation . . .the list goes on . In addition ,the faculty reward structureprovides little, if any,incentive for professors toteach well, since it is researchcredentials which seem toearn that much covete dpromotion or tenure . In ligh tof these problems, those whoanswer "no" would find thepoints of the yea-sayers to b etoken .

So what can be doneabout this issue of teachingquality? That has beensomething that I have bee nlooking into for the past year ,after the Senate Committeeon Teaching Evaluation thatco-chaired was discharged. Indoing so, I have found that allthe problems which affec tteaching quality originatefrom outside . the course andthe instructor, in what 1 : hav ecoined " the environment fo rteaching" . All the points ofpeople who say "no" fit intothis category . Consequently,I developed a proposal tha tinvited the UBC Board ofGovernors to join with theSenate in doing some furtherwork .

The results of the las tcommittee I co-chaired werevery satisfactory, and I believethat good results can b eachieved again in studyingthe environment for teaching.However, I felt that the taskshould not be carried out byanother committee of theSenate alone . Theenvironment for teaching ha sboth academic aspects (whichare the jurisdiction of theSenate) and financial aspects(which are the jurisdiction ofthe UBC Board ofGovernors), and these aspect scannot be separated.Therefore my proposal was tocreate a joint committee ofthe Board and Senate t oinvestigate the environmentfor teaching at UBC .

However, the Senate di dnot agree with me in al laspects . When I presented theproposal, a number of senator sspoke against the aspect ofhaving a joint committee . Asa result, the committee wascreated, but amended so that

it would be a "Senate only "committee . As to the reason swhy, I can only guess . Man yspoke of the virtues of havinga bicameral system ofgovernance, despite the factthat the University Ac tprovides for joint committees .It is possible to speculate thata more sinister, hidde nmotive may have been atplay: that a joint committeewould remove the ability ofthe UBC administration tofilter the information going tothe Board of Governors .Regardless of the motive, thecommittee is much weaker ,and has the same task beforeit .

So what is the trueanswer to the question westarted off with? Tha tremains to be seen . For thosewho want the answer to be" yes " , a great struggle liesahead, since a number ofevents will have to occur .First, the newly create dcommittee will have to workhard to produce goodrecommendations, despite thefact it has been weakened.Second, the Senate will haveto approve thos erecommendations. Third,those recommendations wil lmost likely have financia limplications, and thus theBoard of Governors will haveto approve thos erecommendations as well .And last, the administrationwill have to implement thoserecommendations faithfully .Each and every one of theseconditions must occur .Otherwise, the only answer toour question will be aprofound "No" .

Orvin LauStudent Senator

Friday the 13thGeo-Pit

(Geography's Bzzr Garden )

Featuring Jason!Friday, October 30

3:30

6 :30Geography Lounge

New Science fleece shorts !

13-1/2 ounce Fleec eAsh, 50% cotton/50% polyeste r2 Pockets & Elastic Waistband

Available only in the UBC Science Undergraduate lSociety office, Chemistry building, room 160

. JI

'THE RAT `d11'H A IIEAL.TMY DIET AVI D

REGuf` AR S).EIP 1NG SC11EWALE LEARN S

MORE Q111CK1.~( AHD LS MORE lliTT-111GE1.1T.

HERE., -1HE. RA T Wt'rH A DEVItIEK TDW>r.-t AltP AK IRRRGikI.ftR 5L1-MHO

SCHEDULE DOES VOOHL.`( AEI ZEXID S

-TO RF•vE. A`t MtS-rP ( .

Ryan "D•Day" McCuaigEditor and Chief Executive Pessimis t

XEDITORIA L

Contributing Writers Leona Adams, Janice Boyle,Michael Chow, Aaron Drake, Orvin Lau, Patrick

Lum, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, RodReddekopp, Chris Sing, and with me as always i s

Rog. Party on, Rog.

XA R T A N D D E S I G N

Layout Ryan McCuaigContributing Artists Midhael Chow, Aaron Drake ,Amy Hillaby, My Roommate, Melanie Stapleto n(5'6", actually . Sorry, Melanie .), Roger Watts.

XPRODUCTIO N

Desktop Production Claude and Wile E.Printer College Printers, Ltd . Vancouve rDistributor E. Hsh.ent Distribution, Ltd.

4 November 1992, Vol 6, No 5The 431 is published biweekly by the Science Undergraduate Society o fUBC, somewhere close to Main Mall and University Blvd .

4

The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 5 4 Nov '92

Portrait of the Aaron as a young tree-

planter (or, St . Aaron and the Tigger)

AMSReprogrammingWeekend

/November 6-8, 1992AMS Whistler Cabi n

"Have your hidden agendainstalled by the pros . You'll

come back a new you!"A primer on the vortex of student politics . Thos e

interested in being sucked in should naively wande rinto the AMS Hoc Offices for more info . Oh, and

leave a hail of Honda urnbs

rilu ..7

Angry

DUCK

Ah, midterms .Or, in my case, the com-

plete and very comfortabl elack of midterms . For the firs ttime in seven years, I am notfacing exams intended togauge not how much w eknow, but how much wedon ' t know (I did well onthose ones, let me tell you) .

It' s funny though . . . mybody has become conditionedto midterms, and even thi syear its defense system ha sinstinctively kicked i nresponse to a perceivedthreat . So, even though I ' mnot writing a single mid-termthis year, I still get the associ-ated anxiety attacks at mid -night, the bouts of sleepless-ness, the late-night trips toBen ' s where I will read some-thing completely irrelevant,and general distraction a dextremis .

Mind you, it's not like Iwrote midterms then either.

Consequently you willunderstand that I will no tgive out any tips on how tostudy for midterms. On theother hand, I consider myselfan expert on how NOT tostudy for midterms . Here are afew recommendations:

i) Write a book. Workedfor me . In order to avoid animpending Physics 311 exam ,I wrote the first 120 pages ofa book on Nuclear War,intensely researched and pon-dered over (but only duringthe times I had budgeted forstudying) .

ii) Run about the halls ofHennings stark naked . Afte rall, this is what university isreally about (and you though tit was a degree — tsk,tsk) .There must be a few reader sout there that are sick andtired of this story . By mycount, this is the fourth timeI've talked about it in Th e432, and I expect I will tell i tagain. I mean, I list this expe-rience on my resume . . .

INTERVIEWER: It sayshere, under Relevan tExperience, that you ranabout the Halls of Henningsbare naked.

ME: I consider it a highpoint of my academic career .

INTERVIEWER (reviewingmy transcript) : I would sa ythat's a fair assessment.

iii) Solve Fermat ' s LastTheorem. By my count I 'vespent a hundred hours work-ing on this great mathemati-cal problem that has puzzledmathematicians for centuries .Further, I have successfull ysolved it at least seven times,using seven different methods .At least, that's what I thoughteach time . I have a very

unfortunate friend to whom Ipresent my findings, whomust show me that I haveproven :

a) nothingb) Fermat's Last Theorem ,

provided we assume before -hand that the laws of mathe-matics are incorrec t

c) Brian Mulroney is aturnip (but who needs mathfor that? )

iv) Climb the walls . Quiteliterally, that is . The Physic sSociety, as I discovered in m yfourth year (version 1 .0), aretraversible, and actually pre-sent a difficult challenge toan experienced climber.Hence, I spent many a latenight during my fourth year(version 1 .0) wasting time byturning Physsoc into a climb-ing wall .

There were two directresults of traversing the wallsof Physsoc in my fourth year(version 1 .0). The first resul twas fourth year (version 2 .0) .

The second result wasTigger.

Tigger was what we like torefer to as a Permafrosh .Tigger was nicknamed afterthe annoying character inWinnie-the-Pooh. Tigger wasthe most irritating frosh yo uwill ever meet simply because :

a) he wouldn' t shut upb) he wouldn't shut up .Tigger (who detested that

nickname) got it into hishead that what I was doingwas indeed a cool thing, anddecided that he would do it aswell . However, Tigger had noexperience climbing.Consequently, this led to th emost satisfying conversationof my entire life .

ME: Tigger! What the hel lare you doing! Get down fro mthere !

TIGGER: Don't call m eTigger —AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIII-IEEEEEEE! ! ! !

(Fall . Crunch . )ME: I didn't mean come

down that fast. Now lookwhat you ' ve done . You gotblood all over the carpet .

TIGGER: (picking upnose) I said doan gall beDigger !

For my part, I slept in andnever bothered to write myAstronomy 302 exam. For hispart, Tigger was courteouslyshown the door by the Deanfor a year, but not beforeTigger followed me up Northto go tree planting .

I will never forget thoseshort weeks we spent tree -planting with Tigger .

The mood was set well inadvance, when, on the roadout of Vancouver, at RushHour, Tigger tried to demon-strate how he could easil ydrive the car and read a novelat the same time . We demon-strated what a bonehead hewas .

In the end, tree planting

was very good for me, and Imade a lot of money . Tigger,on the other hand, developeda crush on a girl in camp andspent two weeks trying t oimpress her, generally with hi slack of ability to plant trees .

I imagine that this is all apainful part of Tigger ' s past ,and one that he would soonforget and not have put for-ward for public scrutiny .

Little SparrowRetribution-Fearer

Have you ever wonderedwhy there are so many highschool teachers out there whohave a double major in Mathand English? Or Math andFrench? What does v'=1/3 n(r2h' + 2rr'h) have in com-mon with "Voulez-vouscoucher avec ma chienne cesoir?"

Easy. It's as obvious as thefact that the Engineers stolethe E's out of bzzr for theircardigans . They 're both com-pletely foreign to about 95% ofthe general population . (Note :since this is in italics, this canbe considered the entire pointof this article; there will be aquiz at the end of the class) .

How many of us (excludingthe aforementioned red-coat-ed Volkswagen-vandalizingmaniacs) will ever pull ou tour old Idiot Math 100 tex tto calculate to thirteen deci-mals (just like good old Mr .Spock) exactly how muchwater is being lost per minut e`cause some damn idiot dov einto the wrong end of thepool ?

For that matter, how ofte nwould any of us use that mar-vellously well-constructedsentence above in casual con-servation? (Try saying it toyour chem lab instructor."Pardonnez-moi, monsieur,mais. . . " )

After all, since Quebe cseems hell-bent on closing its

borders to anyone who can ' ttrill their `R's, the only realreason any of us will have tolearn French will be so wecan read the other side of th ecereal box . (Don't deny it .At one time or another, all ofus have struggled to focus onthat tiny little print whileattempting to get that spoon-ful of Cheerios anywhereremotely close to our mouth .It' s either that or you star tpondering exactly whatdiphosphoric monochloridesodium triglutamic acid isreally doing to your larg eintestine . )

French may also still b econceivably useful for thosedays, when you 're at home ,sick as a dog, during that timeslot just between the gameshows and the soaps . Ninetimes out of ten, I end upwatching some French movieabout a woman in a tinybathing suit and the problem sshe's having with her variou slovers .

Back to the devil ' s creation— Mathematics . How manypeople can honestly say thatbeing able to integrate com-plex equations ranks in theirtop ten achievements in life ?Do you ever see it listed onanyone's resume right afte r"can use a cash register"? If itdoes, then there are a lot ofpeople who spend far toomuch time locked away withtheir HP Super Calculator .Maybe someone should form asupport group to help those

poor souls over their addic-tion. We could call i t"People Like You Who Ough tto Occasionally DoSomething Useful `CauseKalculators Stink," orP .L.Y.W.O.O.D. S.U.C.K.S . ,for short .

Another item. All Mathteachers were first trained inthe Faculty of Arts. How elsecan you explain their incredi-ble ability to say the mos tobvious things in the longes ttime possible? (Just doin' abit o ' Artsie bashing there . . . )Personally, I ' m not too inter-ested in seeing exactly whythe derivative of sin x is cosx. When I see that formul ain my text book, enclosed bya box, I just accept it as th eWord of God and leave it a sthat . Proof by divine right.

As in all Arts courses, youT

never seem to learn anythingin the actual lecture . Onlyafter hours of work (usually a tabout one in the morning ,over your twentieth cup ofcoffee) do you ever under-stand what's going on . Peopletend to drift during lectures .For instance, on the rareoccasion I manage to makemy 12:30 class, I use most ofthe time to compose such ele-gant prose such as this. I see acouple others reading The 432(plug,plug), but the majorityare leaving puddles of droolon those tiny little desks . . .

The sooner Math is sen tback to the Faculty in whichit belongs, the better.

Math? A Science? Yeah, right. . .

How animal cells move.. .

Vol 6 No 5 4 Nov '92 The Four Thirty-Two

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Order now at the UBC Science UndergraduateSociety office, Chemistry building, room 160 .

"Miller!" cried a voice ."Mrphl," I replied ."Wake up, Miller! ""Mgrlmrph . "I felt a distinct shove and

awoke as I toppled from mydesk chair to the floor . Ibanged my head. It hurt .

"I think I ' m awake now," Iproclaimed.

"Good," said my supervisor ,standing next to my desk ."What are you doing sleepingin your office at 10 o'clock ona Thursday morning?"

I blinked as I stood up . "It' sThursday?"

"Yes, it ' s Thursday . Why doyou ask? "

I pondered for a moment ."Last thing I remember it wasSaturday evening." I looked ather . " I can only conclude thatI've been in a sugar-inducedcoma for the past five daysfrom gorging myself on can-dies Halloween night . "

"That would explain you rbeard and the drool dried o nyour trenchcoat. How muchdid you eat?" she asked.

I counted to myself. "I'dfigure . . .oh . . .about twent ypounds . "

My supervisor looked rathe rlike she was going to barf .

" I think I'm going to barf,"she said .

"Why is that?""Twenty pounds of

Halloween candies at once ?I 'm surprised you're not dead . "

"You know, I think I mighthave been, " I said.

"What? ""I distinctly remember a

kind of out-of-body experi-ence . Seeing myself here in

this chair, but from above ,and then some sort of tunne lwith a wonderful light at th eend . "

"That does sound an awfullot like a near-death experi-ence, " she agreed.

"Of course," I postulated," it could be a strange combi-nation of my memory of thelast time I drove through thetunnel from Richmond andseeing my reflection in myceiling mirror. "

She looked up . "Why doyou have a mirror on the ceil-ing of your office? "

"1 refuse to answer tha tquestion on the grounds thatI may incriminate myself," Ireplied.

"Look," she said, "I don' tmind if my employees arehaving sex in their offices, a slong as they're discrete aboutit and clean up after them-selves . "

What an interesting idea, Ithought. Having sex in anoffice . I had been sure shewould have guessed my actualpurpose — testing of my ne wDik Miller TMsuper-duperhand-held laser deathbeam/dry cleaner/ice bucke t— before postulating some -thing as ridiculous as sex i nthe office . But I couldn't le tmy secret out .

"Oh," I said . "Thanks . "I resolved to investigate her

suggestion further at the near-est opportunity — which, a tthe current rate, would b esome years off.

"Anyway, " she continued ,"that's not why I came to seeyou . "

"Really?""Yeah, really . You see ,

we've had a bit of a problem .""What sort of problem?""Apparently, something

very fishy is going on under-neath the Cheeze Factory . "

Ah yes, the CheezeFactory . An old building, for-merly used (not surprisingly )for making cheese, which wa snow the headquarters of m yprimary targets as EngineeringPolitical Correctness Enforcer :the EngineeringUndergraduate Society .

"What is it? Illicit beermaking? Off-colour jokes ?Bawdy behaviour?" I asked .

"Of course not," my super -visor replied. "That's all per-fectly normal . I mean some -thing literally fishy . The EUShas complained that theentire Cheeze Factory hassmelled like fish for severaldays. "

"What kind of fish?" I won-dered.

"How should I know? ""Hmm, " I said . "I'll check

it out. "

A few minutes . later, after aquick shaye and some time to

wipe the encrusted drool fro mmy coat, I was walkin gtowards the Cheeze Factory . Iarrived at one of the doorsand banged on it .

It opened a few secondslater . "What?" asked theopener .

"I'm Dik Miller,Engineering Pol—"

"—itical CorrectnessEnforcer," he finished for me ."Yeah, what? "

"I'm here to investigate th efish smell ."

"Oh, right . Come on in . "As soon as I walked in ,

there it was. A distinct, lin-gering, pungent odour of sev-eral-days-old fish .

"Hmm . . .could be halibut, " Iproposed .

"No, no," disagreed one o fthe present engineers, "toowoody . "

"How do you know that?" Iasked .

It's fairly rare to encounte rsomeone who can identify afish by its smell . I had onlyacquired the ability after yearsof work at private eye trainingschool . (You ' d be surprisedwhat they teach you . )

"Bioresource Engineering355 : Physical Properties ofPlant and Animal Materials, "the engineer replied . "Look itup in the Universit yCalendar . "

"Ah, but that's only intro-ductory!" I declared . "Youwere probably taught to dea lwith ideal fish smells — yo uknow, like frictionless pulleysand inclined planes — anddon't know that halibut smellgets woodier and woodier a sthe fish rots! "

"You ' re right," he said . " Ididn't know that . Now ,where's the smell comingfrom?"

I brought out my Di kMiller TMcroquet mallet/snakesnare/fish smell identifier andswitched it on . Along withsome nifty "beep byoop" nois-es (which served no purposeother than to make it soundcool), the display quicklypointed me to the smell' ssource .

"It's downstairs, in thebasement, " I said.

"But there isn't any base-ment," someone revealed .

"Well, it ' s down theresomewhere ." I paused for dra-matic effect . "And I'm goingto go in and find out what i tis."

Oooh, scary stuff, eh? Watc hfor the exciting continuation ofthis story in the next thrillingissue of The 432, everyone' sfavourite waste-time-in-class-when-you-should-be-taking-notes-newspaper!

Derek K.

MILLER

Darwin discovers the Arts student . . .

6

The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 5 4 Nov '9 2

"Oh, No, Not again . . ."Chapter 3 - How not to go grocery shoppin g

Rod ReddekoppColumnist

Do-it-yourself US Election-night Speech

Strove : A New Beginning

ny bamer (leavthsY?ur N'AV( E

a- o r your vurm,44 mate (oPi;omat)

Y ouv'

O/' 6pOM

dik eband -

Crowd occavta+;Cal su4Poi'+eV'Swl,lo will lou dty cheer a+-aAy+t-tIv5 You Say-(ow.come univnpor'+av►t)

In the last fun-filled episode ,our young hero was ring-around-the-rosied by a group of pestsfrom the pit (Hell's Hamsters)and realized that the dimension h efell into is leaking into his . Andnow, we continue .

Ok, so this universe wasleaking into the boy's home-sweet-home . What was h egoing to do about it? Contactthe local authorities? Conduc ta search for tears in the fabricof the spacetime continuum ?Maybe he should run aroundin circles, screaming like alunatic . Or maybe he shouldsit down and read something .Yeah, he should sit down andread something.

So the boy plopped hislittle butt down on thesidewalk and opened up hi sknapsack. Since fallingthrough holes in the fabric ofthe spacetime continuum wa sa fairly common occurrencefor the boy, he was alwayswell-prepared . The first ite mhe came across in his searchfor some reading material wasa screwdriver . Now, don't getthe wrong impression here, th eboy was generally not aviolent individual . Thescrewdriver was only forpurposes of self-defense .

Next, he found the Zap-O-Kill-Em-DeadTMray gun he hadpicked up in a technologicallyadvanced dimension.Naturally, though, since hewas just a boy, they wouldn' tsell him a real one . This onejust made impressive noise slike "woop woop WoopWOOP *BOOOOOOM *! ! ! ! "and "zzzzzzzzzzzzz POW!", aslong as the batteries wer eworking .

"Huh? What's this ?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !How 'd THAT get in there?! "

The boy was referring to acopy of The Ubyssey that hadsomehow found its way intohis backpack . He lookedaround to make sure no on ewas watching, and took a look .Headings such as "Sex withYour Pets made Interesting" ,"Help, Help, We're BeingBashed Again", "EverybodyHates Me", "I HateEverybody" , and "You're BeingRepressed and You Don't Eve nKnow It" filled the paper .

One article in particularcaught his eye . It was a

contest to write a Halloweenstory . The winner got — ohdream-come-true — his (orher) story published in TheUbyssey! Oh wow! A chanceto be published in TheUbyssey! The boy was excite dbeyond description .

Not .Thus having had a goo d

laugh, the boy felt refreshe dand ready to save the univers eas we know it . But he washungry, and had to keep hi spriorities in order . So foodfirst, universe later. I-I esquelched a sudden urge toshoot some pool . Theproblem with his hunger wasthat he had just spent hi sentire allowance on Silly Puttythe day before he fell throughthe wormhole . Besides, hehad a feeling that his currenc ywouldn't be accepted hereanyway .

Naturally, he decided tohold up a grocery store.

"All RIGHT! Everybody ,kiss the GROUND!" heshouted, waving his Zap-O-Kill-Em-Dead TMray gunmenacingly . Everyone turnedand looked at the boy as ifcelery stalks were growing outof his head. He checked.Nope .

"I mean it! Drop or I'll zapall of you!" It was times likethis that the boy wished hisvoice didn't crack all the time .Everybody was just ignoringhim now, going about thei rbusiness .

The boy put the ray gunback in his backpack, anddrew his screwdriver .Canadian Tire Special .Phillips . Red handle . Extralong shaft for those hard-to-reach places .

A nearby woman screamedand dropped to the ground,hands over her head, shakinglike a leaf. A wave of pani cswept quickly over the crowd .Some ran, some cowered,some stood frozen in place .

"All right, that's moreLIKE it! I want a bag ofDoritos, a six- pack of Coke ,and sonic— "

THUNK !That last bit was the sound

of a billy club connecting witha pre-adolescent cranium.

Hmm, probably storesecurity, he thought .

Then everything wentblack.

So, I hope we were allgood boys and girls and madean informed vote in the refer-endum. I could tell you wha tI voted, but there are goodnumber of reasons why Iwon' t:1) I don' t imagine that yo u

care ,2) it ' s none of your business ,3) no matter what I actuall y

voted, I ' m going to ge tmobbed by people saying"How could you possiblyvote that way? Don't youcare about Canada?! "Subconsciously, I think we

all knew that it wasn ' t goingto pass because it ignored themost important distinct soci-ety of them all . Of course, I ' mtalking about Stroves, as themore astute among you wh oactually read the title ma yhave discerned. We have ourown style, our own culture, aelaborate history and a lan-guage unique to Stroves . Ithink that if this catches onwell enough, I ' ll try hitting upthe University for tenure .Strovedom 100 (6) : AnIntroduction to the Lifestyle .Principles covered include indul-gence as a method of dealingwith chocoholism, maximizingyour Strove potential and invent-ing expressions for every occa-sion . Prerequisite : a basic knowl-edge of the economic, social, andphilosophical impacts of Wayne' sWorld on Western culture .

Don' t laugh: I can proba-bly pass it off as an easy Artscredit for desperate studentson the brink of graduation .

Mind you, Strovedom can -not be taught : you either haveit intrinsically or you don ' t.Should be good for filling ou tmy bank account though .

Now would probably be a sgood a time as any to recog-nize my personal choice fo rStrove of the month : Stuart.Stuart is an artsie, but heactually likes my writing (g ofigure) . So, Stu, I salute you .

I know there are a few ofyou out there who are familiarwith my not-so-cute style ofdrifting peacefully through myarticles, and who are dying forme to get to the point.However, if you were reallyfamiliar with the way I write ,you would realize that theredoesn't always have to be apoint . It's nice for the sake ofwriting a conclusion and allthat jazz, but I can get b ywithout one . Out of the kind-ness of my heart (and don'tpretend you didn' t know Ihad one), for the benefit ofthe structure-starved amongyou, I will try to prove somerelevance .

One of the neat thingsabout being Strove is that weare not prejudiced against

anyone, no matter how stove l(s)he is . Seriously though,one of my pet peeves (whichyou would have no problemunderstanding if you had evermet me) isdiscrimination .Because Iintend to stay in a somewha tpleasant mood, I ' m going to

stick to the kind that Iencounter most frequently oncampus, that being age-baseddiscrimination. I mean, it' sbad enough when you have t owatch your money buy cheapBEvERages for someone elseat the AMS Barbeque whe nyou aren't even allowedinside, but when your ownundergrad society, the placewhere you hang your hat, etc .turns you away . . . , well that'sreally sad. I could come upwith all sorts of neat plati-tudes, about understandingeach other and workin gtogether to reconcile our dif-ferences, but I'm not that

stove2 . I do realize that the"No Minors " rules are thereto attempt, however unsuc-cessfully, to prevent u syoung' uns from screwing upour little brains, but it's nic eto rant on occasion.

1 I've never been really goodat doing footnotes, but I ' mnot really sure why. Maybeit' s because I'm not reallygood at holding onto mytrain of thought . For aslong as I can remember,I've had the attention spa nof a hyperactive kid whojust found the family supplyof Hallowe ' en candy . Idon ' t think it 's genetic ,because neither of my par-ents . . . Oh yeah, stovemeans stupid. It' s kind oflike Strove in the sensethat it's an all-purpos eword.

2 Read the last one .

Leon a

ADAMS

DON'T PANIC,!AMS WORD PRO C E S

will do it for you :

• on campus• lowest professional rate in the lower mainlan d• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements

Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640Mon-Thu: 9am 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm

Vol 6 No 5 > 4 Nov '92 The Four Thirty-Two

ndane du mpstel,r

AMS BriefsJanice Boyle

On October 21, AMSCouncil met to discuss whatapproach it would tak etowards fighting the 18 %tuition increase this year. TheBoard of Governors had passe da motion two years ago settin gthe tuition increase a tConsumer Price Index (CPI )plus 4 .5% each year for thre eyears .

Last year's tuition freeze i snow prompting the Universit yto propose an 18% increase fo r1993-94 .

The topic was discussed adnauseam for two and a hal fhours . There were severa lpoints that all council mem-bers agreed upon . (ed : Wow ,really? )

1) An 18% tuition increase i none year is unreasonable .

2) A continued freeze o ntuition levels is unrealistic .

3) The Provincial governmen tis responsible for putting u sin this position . If they hadnot proceeded to impose afreeze last year, theUniversity would not be try -ing to make up for it .

4) The majority of student scan afford a moderat eincrease, but our main con-cern is for the small group ofstudents who cannot .On October 28, a motion

was put forward which tried toaddress all of thes econcems .The AMS' final posi-tion wa s1) that it was unreasonable to

ask students to pay for moreof an increase than the CPI ,

2) that the provincial govern-ment should be giving theUniversity the amount the ylost because of the tuitio nfreeze, and

3) that the Governmentshould also provide grantsto all students on financia lassistance in the amount ofthe tuition increase .As a note of interest, Yuri

Fulmer, the new ombudsper-son, has been in office twoweeks, and at the last Counci lmeeting there was a notice ofa motion asking for his resig-nation . Next meeting shouldbe a long one . . .

Senate ShortsChris. Sing

Senate met on October 21 ,1992 . There was a very briskdiscussion on Dr . Resnick' smotion of conflict of interest ,and Orin Lau's motion forthe formation of a Senate-BoG Committee .

Dr. Resnick's motion faile dby a large margin, partl ybecause there is already a con-flict of interest motion i nplace, and also because thevote was not held by secre tballot.

Orvin's motion on aSenate-BoG committee tolook into teaching environ-ment passed, but only after i twas amended to being solely aSenate committee by Dr . Will .For more information on

Orvin ' s motion, you can readhis letter in this paper.

People expressed concernabout the loss of funding forthe library's serials, possiblyresulting in up to 25% of th elibrary's present serial subscrip-tions not being renewed .

Dr . Cooke asked Dr.Strangway to enlighten Senateabout the present talks occur -ring between the AMS andthe Administration . Thesepertain to th eAdministration's attempts t oend AMS involvement i n"University" affairs, such asthe running of the Aquati cCentre . Dr. Strangway said hewould pleased to do so, an dacknowledged Carol Forsythe' sinvitation to Martin Ertl toexpress the AMS point o fview .

Fruit of the ILum sPatrick Loo m

Welcome to the wonderfu lworld of SUS finances, wheremoney is found and lost in themost interesting of places . . .

For those of you familiarwith the workings of the SUS,our annual proceeds comefrom a $10 "contribution"from each and every Sciencestudent . However, we don' tget our money until a) theregistrar's office determineshow many students there actu-ally are in Science, b) thi snumber gets faxed to the .AMSoffice, and c) the paperworkgets done . Suffice it to say,this is a moderate to very slowprocess, and SUS was luck yenough to get its money lastweek (only halfway throughthe term . . .) . It's much lik ehaving a 2.00-foot-long garde nhose - you know the water i scoming, but when . . . ?

Including the $5000 "defici tauthorization " that we hadused up, all three SU Saccounts (general, publica-tions, and sports) have beendeeply in the hole deeply forthe last several weeks . Suchwas life .

Now that that `hardship 'has been rectified, I can get onwith what I promised to do al lalong : to play accountant an dembezzle all the money! !

If you're wondering wheresome of the money goes, well ,you're reading some of it . Addupcoming socials (don't mis sthe Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi -Memorial dance this Friday.Jon will be there, thanks togenerous donations, but westill don't know how he'll ge thome . . .), and our 50% spor trebates, and there's a bi gchunk of it . By the way ,depending on my generosityand that of the rest of council ,the sports rebate may be uppe dto two-thirds in second term .

If you haven't dropped b ySUS yet this term, you proba-bly haven't noticed our new ,improved photocopier, or ourpop machine. Photocopies ar e5 cents, reductions an denlargements are available ,and, let's just say that th ecopier hasn't broke down yet.Pop is 75 cents (no one else ischeaper) and if we're lucky,we just might pay off th emachine this year. Until nex ttime . . .

McNightiesCarmen McKnigh t

So you want to know what' shappening in the basement of th eChem building . . .1)There's a line up for our photo-

copier and our computer.2)There are not enough chairs in

the room for the number ofpeople .To sum it up, SUS is packed

between 11 :30 and 1 :30 pm daily.I'm glad to see so many peopl einvolved this year. AcademicsCouncil, Budget Committee,Science Week Committee andSocial Committee are in fullswing with their newly-appointedyear and department representa-tives . Academics Council is get-ting started on the Black and Blu eReview and on TeachingExcellence awards . Nominationsfor teaching excellence are nowbeing accepted for Term I courses .

Budget Committee has begu nthe task of reviewing club budgets .Council has appointed some newex-officio members, including theAcademics Council Coordinators

REVENUE :

Prior Fiscal Year Surplu sStudent FeesPop Machine

PhotocopierSundry

Loan Repayments

EXPENSES :

.1) Prior fiscal year bills2) Telephon e3) Office Supplies4) Sundry5) Pop machine/pop6) Xerox photocopie r7) TV/VCR rental/purchas e8) Academics

9) Office of Dean of Scienc e10) Academic Entertainmen t11) Computer/Laser printe r12) Interdepartmental relations13) Election expense s14) Club grants

15) Social (net )16) Science Week (net )17) AMS Loan Repaymen t18) Loans to constituent club s19) Special project s20) Sport s21) Publications (net )

22) Summer Guide23) Grad Rebate Overpaymen t

TOTAL EXPENSE S

NET SURPLUS

(Terence Fan and Anita Carlson) ,and the Sales Special OrdersCoordinator (Eric Seewald) .Upcoming appointments includeFood Drive Coordinator, Sale sBook-keeper and Blood DriveCoordinator . If you still want toget involved there are lots of waysto go about it .

The whereabouts of JonCampbell-Dinkleheimer-Smithhas been discovered . He has bee nspotted in Thunder Bay, Ontario .The Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer -Smith official search party, funde dby donation, rescued him from hi sabductors on Thursday, November5 and he will be present as a guestof honour at the dance on Friday .The Science dance will be a fineevent with cheap bzzr, boats, fu nand prizes. This weekend we aresending a few delegates to the stu-dent leadership conference a tWhistler.

We need your help . . . Jus tDesserts is coming up and SU Swants to know of any Faculty orStaff member who has providedoutstanding service to science stu -dents. We have some ideas, butwe welcome any ideas from you .

ACTUAL BUDGET1992-93 1992-9 3

12831 .31 12831 .3 10 .00 45000 .0 0

251 .00 2600 .00599 .50 2000 .0 0

0 .00 30 .000 .00 1000 .0 0

13681 .81 63461 .31

ACTUAL BUDGET1991-92 1992-9 3

360 .69 0 .00297 .57 720 .00242 .41 888 .8 853 .02 216 .0 0

986 .36 3800 .001332 .01 2654 .3 2

74 .48 500 .0 0447 .59 654 .3 2

.00 500 .0 172 .80 500 .0 189 .27 234 .3 268 .56 750 .0 0

269 .67 432 .1 0.00 4750 .0 0

314 .43 4324 .3 2.00 3454 .3 2

5000 .00 5000 .0 0

.00

0 .0 0

.00

100 .0 0

1874 .18

10987 .6 5

293 .11

12343 .21

4121 .96

3949 .21

386 .00

0 .0 0

16284 .11

56758 .6 7

( 2602 .30)

6702 .6 4

THE SCIENCE UNDERGRADUATE SOCIET YYEAR-TO-DATE STATEMEN T

MAY 1, 1992 to OCT . 21, 199 2

Sales SlipsMichael Chow

Science Sales has been verybusy lately . First of all, ou rnew Special OrdersCoordinator is Eric Seewald.If you need some cool-lookingclothing for your club or team ,just ask for Eric or myself.• BIG NEWS : Science

leather-melton jackets nowhave a totally different look!You've got to see it t obelieve it! Navy blu emelton, with navy andwhite split-sleeves, all fo ronly $150 (plus cresting) ,taxes not included . Ordersmust be placed b yNovember 18 to bring i nthe jacket before Christmas .

• Brand new Science fleeceshorts! Ash shorts, 13-1/2ounce fleece, 2 pockets, elas-tic waistband, 50/50 cot-ton/poly, only $13 .50 (taxe sincluded! )

• Wondering where you canget one of those big 3-in.chcool-looking United Wa ybuttons? Pick one up fro mus for only $2 .00, all ofwhich goes to the UnitedWay .

• Is your team or club looking .for clothing or uniforms ?Most orders require on eweek . Compare our prices : 1dozen, ]L00% cotton Fruit ofthe Loorn standard-weigh tT-shirts, with a full-front 2 -colour logo, and 2-digit 8-inch numbers, all for only$13.50 each (all taxes

included! )• We sell the new

Entertainment `93 CouponBooks . The books arepacked with half-pric ecoupons for restaurants, the-atres, sports, attractions, andmuch more . TheEntertainment book also -offers 50% off on man yhotels throughout the world(in fact, the book pays fo ritself if you take advantageof this offer) . All this fo ronly $42 .80 (taxes includ-ed) .

• We also sell the new GoldC Savings Spree couponbooks: $12. Use the coupon sto save on merchandise ,recreation, movie rentals ,and fast food.

•Our Annual Paper Sale is

still on! We sell 200 sheet sof looseleaf for only $0 .75 .All proceeds will be donate dto charity .

• Look for our pre-Christma sSales Booths on the week o fNovember 16, 1992 . Pick upsome great gifts at unbeliev-able prices . Booths will b eset up in a Science buildingnear you .

• CONTEST: Solve the fol-lowing puzzle to win : Thereare only 2 exits . One doorleads to freedom, the otherone leads to a dead end .Also, these doors can talk ,and one of the doors alwayslies while the other alwaystells the truth. You canonly open one of the doors ,and you can ask only onequestion . What question

should you ask to find free-dom? Write the question o na slip of paper along withyour name and number, aska SUS council member tosign your entry and to writedown the time that you sub-mitted your entry, and toplace your entry in the Sale scashbox (for safekeeping) .Winner receives 50% offany Science sweatshirt, sec-ond place receives 50% offany Science T-shirt, thirdplace receives 50% off a pai rof white Science boxershorts .

Feel free to drop by and chec kout our UBC Science clothingdisplay, and inquire about ourspecial package deals, whichoffer incredible savings .

8

The Four Thirty-Two ' Vol 6 No 5 4 Nov '92

Venison a la Corvette and other tasty dishes to g o

Maybe you guys out therein Readerland can help meout with something here . . .last week, I got all ambitiou sand decided to really trea tmyself to a fancy dinner .Enough bare-bones studen tfare for the time being, I said .This cat is steppin' out.

Well, relatively speaking ,anyway ; it wasn't Il Giardino,but I tell ya, considering howI'd been eating prior to thatnight, it was indubitably thebest damned can of raviol iI've yet had the pleasure tosavor.

That is to say, right u puntil the part I got a littlesidetracked . While happilygulping down my feast, Idecided to casually glance a tthe ingredients, and some-thing a little odd caught m yattention . One of the con-tents listed was something b ythe name of `mechanically

separated beef' .Now call me twisted, bu t

doing as much highway driv-ing as I do, I find the ter mmechanically separated, espe-cially when used in referenceto a recently deceased animalthat I 've just consumed, a ta ddisturbing to say the least .

It almost reminds me ofone of those Orwellian dou-blespeak terms that politicianslike to spend hours on endconjuring up . I can just see ofGeorge Bush putting this oneto good use:

"Barbara? Honey? Ba dnews . . . not good . . . bad. . . hada little accident with thelimo . . . sorta mechanically sepa-rated Millie . . . didn't see he rlying in the driveway . . . atragic, tragic event . "

"Oh dear. Well, sendFitzwater down to the pe tstore to get a new dog righ taway, before Dan notices . "

"Yo u 're right, dear . . . tha t ' sa prudent move . . . poor li' ltyke'd be heartbroken if hefound out . . . "

Of course, by the time youread this, Curious George ma yor may not even have a job

anymore . The way things arelooking now, at time of writ-ing, I'm thinking he oughtaget together with Gorbachevand Thatcher and open aBurger King franchise some -where in northern Wyoming .(Well, why not? Open spaces ,fresh air, no lives for them t oscrew up for miles aroundexcept their own . . . soundsgreat . And so what if theydon't pull down much busi-ness? If they can't run a busi-ness at a deficit, then by God ,nobody can. )

But enough about thoseguys . . . I wanna get back tothis mechanically separate dbeef thing for a sec . I mean, i tmakes sense from a logistica lpoint of view, doesn ' t it? Idon't know if you ' ve ever laideyes on an animal jus tmechanically separated by ,say, a nice heavy Mack truck ,but boy oh boy, no othermeat product ever inventedwould lend itself so well tobeing poured into little indi-vidual pouches of pasta . Notime or money spent on slic-ing, dicing, chopping or evenmaking sauce . One good solid

broadside, and that's about it ,really. . . of course, you mightwant to tie a few green pep-pers and onions to the grille ,or throw in some fresh garlic ,just to spice things up a bit .Maybe even feed the thin gsome oregano and red wineabout twenty minutes before-hand. This last one would, ofcourse, help in soothing theanimal's perfectly naturalreservations about steppingout in front of a rapidlyapproaching semi-trailer .

(Just a quick note to al lyou PC watchdogs outthere . . . no ,this is not asenseless promotion of whole -sale slaughter of perfectlyinnocent cute little fuzzypedestrians by the genera lpublic . I like marmots andgroundhogs as much as thenext Joe, so folks, don't gogettin' any funny ideas . Let'sleave it to the pros down a tGeneral Foods, OK?)

And, of course, this wholething explains why our insur-ance rates keep going up andup and up . You know howsingle-vehicle accident toll salways stay so high? It' s these

guys driving the Peterbil tMechanical Separators . I canhear the conversation at theICBC office now . . .

"So, Mr. Boyardee, you'reclaiming $7500 in body dam -age due to collision with ananimal? "

"Si, si, datsa right . ""Are you aware of the fac t

that this is the 382nd suchclaim that your company ha smade this fiscal year?"

"Si, si . ""Mr. Boyardee, our compa-

ny, quite frankly, has a bigproblem with your accounts ofthese accidents, especiallyconsidering that our expertshave never been able to fin dany trace of animal tissue o nthe vehicles in question . "

"Well, wasta not, want anot . . . "

Anyhoo, I suppose you'veheard quite enough of that . . .but just thank your lucky starsI didn't tell you where thoselittle cans of chocolate pud-ding come from. I don't thinkthe world's ready .

It's Nev.It's Blue.

And It's ComingFor You...

Get in on the 432's final issue of

1992. Write, draw, or whatever .

Deadline for submissions isNovember 16 in SUS.

Precision-crafted andcoming November 23.

The Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith

Semi-Memorial Dance

Friday, November 6SUB Ballroom

Free tix available at SUSA Buck a bzzr ... 'cuz Jon woulda

wanted it that way.