Visitation dos and don'tsFor both parents and children, visitationis critical to maintaining a sense ofconnectedness both during and after a

divorce. But in the early stages of family,restructuring and co-parenting, it isfrequently a source of conflict..

If former spouses want revenge, findingways to spoil a visitation is easy If theywant to help their children through adifficult transition, they will find ways tomake visitation successful.

For visitation to work, both parents needto accept and acknowledge that theirchildren have two homes—one with theirfather and one with their mother. Parentsneed to make sure that their children aresafe and comfortable in both places, evenif they don't spend equal time there. Theyneed to help make the transition from onehome to the other smooth and calm. Theyalso need to make sure they are beingconsistent in rules and discipline.

Constructive parenting -goalsThe following guidelines are examples" ofparenting goals that can help childrengrow into healthy, happy, whole people.

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Both parents should encourage visita-tion to help their children grow inpositive ways.Children need to know it-is OK to loveboth parents.In.general, parents should treat eachother .with respect for their children'sbenefit.Each parent should respect the other'schild-raising views by trying, whenpossible, to be consistent. For example,if one parent strongly opposes toy guns*

- IOWA STATE UNIVERSITYUniversity ExtensionAmes, Iowa PM-1641/January 1996

for small children, the other shouldtake this into account when buying

'" gifts.• Each parent is entitled tolcnow where

the children are during visitations. Theyshould also know if the children are leftwith other people such as babysitters orfriends when the other parent is notthere.

• Parents should try to agree on theirchildren's religious education, as well aswho is responsible for overseeing it.

• Parents should tell each other theircurrent addresses and home and workphone numbers.

• Both parents should realize that visita-tion schedules may change as childrenage and their needs change.

Visitation dosThe following suggestions representstrategies parents can use to achieve .parenting goals.

Be flexible about visitationschedules• Give the other parent advance notice of

changes in your schedule.• Remember to give the other parent your

vacation schedule in advance.• Remember that your children may have

plans that could affect your visitationschedule.

Make visitation a normal part of life• Find activities that giye you and your

children an opportunity to build yourrelationship. Allow time togetherwithout planned activities just to "hangout." -^

• Provide a balance between funresponsibility for your children.

• Encourage visitation thaf includesgrandparents and extended family "

,• Make sure your children have their ownplaces in your home—even if it is justpart of a room—so they feel it is alsotheir home.

• Help your children meet other kids inyour neighborhood so they have friendsat both homes.

» Try to keep a routine schedule to helpprepare your children for .visitation.

• Have a checklist of items such asclothing and toys that your children

f need to take on visitations. If thechildren are old enough, they can helppack.

• If it's appropriate, allow your childrento bring friends along occasionally

• Spend individual time with each of your

children.

Show respect for your formerspouse and concern for yourchildren.• Be on'time.• Inform your former spouse if a new

person such as a babysitter or romanticpartner will be part of the visitation.

• Share changes in your address, homeand work phone numbers, and in yourjob with your former spouse.

Visitation don'tsSome parents use visitation to achievedestructive goals. These are goals basedon revenge, such as one parent hurtingthe other or disrupting his or her life.To achieve those goals, parents may usedestructive behaviors that can create a

more hostile environment and seriouslydamage relationships. Destructive strate-gies can be deeply hurtful to children *

caught in the middle. Following are tipsfor avoiding destructive behavior.

_ Don't refuse to communicate withyour former spouse.• Don't use your children to relay di-

vorce-related messages on issues suchas child support. Those issues should bediscussed by adults only

• Don't make your children responsiblefor making, canceling, or changingvisitation-plans. Those are adult respon-sibilities.

• Don't use your children to spy on yourformer spouse.

• Don't fight with the other parent duringdrop-off and pickup times. Deal withimportant issues when your childrencannot overhear.

Don't disrupt your children's rela-tionship with their other parent• Don't make your children feel guilty

about spending time with their otherparent.

• Don't use visitation as a reward for goodbehavior, and don't withhold it aspunishment for poor behavior.

• Don't tell your children you will feellonely and sad if they visit their otherparent.

• Don't withhold visitation to punishyour former spouse for problems suchas missed child support payments.Withholding visitation punishes yourchildren, who are not guilty

• Don't withhold visitation because youfeel your former spouse doesn't deserveto see the children. Unless a parent is agenuine threat, adults and childrenneed to see each other.

• Don't use false abuse accusations tojustify withholding visitation.

• Don't let activities such as sports andhobbies interfere with the time yourchildren spend with their other parent.Your former spouse can transport thechildren to those activities if needed'and can sometimes participate.

• Don't pressure your children aboutleaving clothes or toys at their otherparent's home. The children need to feel

• they belong in both places.• Don't falsely claim that your children

are sick to justify withholding visita-tion.

• Don't withhold phone calls to yourchildren from their other parent.

• Don't put down the other parent's newromantic partner. -

"-S,

Don't allow your anger to affectyour relationship with your children• Don't hurt your children by failing to

show up for visitation or by being late.

Don't spoil your children to buy theirloyalty and love• Don't let your children blackmail you

by refusing to visit unless you buy themsomething.

• Don't try to bribe your children.• Don't feel you need to be your children's

buddy for visitations to Be successful.Your children need you to be a parent.

• Don't try to fill every minute of a visit.Allow some down time for routineactivities such as cooking or laundry, orquiet time just to be together.

All of these visitation don'ts undercutchildren's ability to develop an open andsupportive relationship with both parents.One of the best ways to support childreninvolved in a Separation or divorce is todo what you can to make visitations go

smoothly. Focusing on visitation dos is afirst step in helping children adjust.

ReferencesWallerstein, Judith S. and Joan Berlin

Kelly. 1980. Surviving the Breakup:

How Children and Parents Cope With

Divorce. Basic Books.Wallerstein, Judith"S. and Sandra

Blakeslee. 1990. Second Chances: Men,Women and Children A Decade After

Divorce - Who Wins, Who Loses • andWhy. Ticknor & Fields, N.Y.

Be sure to read more publications inthe "Divorce Matters" series:* Talking with children (PM-1638)* Visitation dos and don'ts (PM-1641)* Coping with stress and change (PM-

1637)

* A child's view (PM-1639)* Talking with your child's other

parent (PM-1640)

Contact the Iowa State UniversityExtension office in your county for

more information about children andfamilies.

Family Life 3 A

Originally developed as Parenting Apart: Strate-gies for Effective Co-Parenting by M. Mulroy, R.Sabatelli, C. Malley, and R. Waldron (1995),University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension.Adapted with permission for use in-Iowa by Lesia_Oesterreich, ISU Extension family life specialist.

Editor: Jolene McCoy

Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension-work, Acts of May 8 and June 30,1914, incooperation with the U.S. Department of Agricul-ture. Nolan R. Hartwig, interim director, Coopera-tive Extension Service, Iowa State University ofScience and Technology, Ames, Iowa.

.. . and justice for allThe Iowa Cooperative Extension Service'sprograms and policies are consistent withpertinent federal and state laws and regulations onnondiscrimination. Many materials can be made .available in alternative formats for ADA clients.