Fall 2010

New!

... for him!Because women aren’tthe only ones with issues

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My therapist told me the way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips anda chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Five Stages of Female LifeTo grow up.To fill out.

To slim down.To hold it in.

To heck with it!

Why can’t I get a little ahead,instead of just a bigger behind?!

I am recovering from plastic surgery –the shoe store cut up my credit card.I can share my deepest secrets with youbecause you are my best friend.And because you won’t remember them anyway!

Okay, this is how it works…You tell me I look too thin,and I say I love what you’vedone with your hair.What are friends for?!

Ever notice how

all of women’s problems

start with men?

(List)

Embarrassing my children…

just one more service I offer.

Hurry up and take the picture -

my thong is killing me!

Well, isn’t that just the pickle

on the crap sandwichthat is my day?!

I wish you had told me what a

bikini wax was before I went!

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I don’t have to be a good cook.

I’m a trophy wife.

… so, after seeing her boyfriend on America’s Most Wanted,she turned him in,

collected the reward,and ran off with the pool boy.

The End. I love you with all my butt.

I would say heart,but my butt is bigger.

I’m one bad relationshipaway from becomingthat crazy cat ladydown the street.

Senility PrayerGod grant me the senility toforget the people I never liked,the good fortune

to run into the ones I do like,and the eyesightto tell the difference.

Chocolate is my pimp.

I color my hair so much,my driver’s license hasa color wheel.

Do you know why

the menopausal womancrossed the road?

To kill the chicken.

Just a note to say hello.

Thought you could usea little “lift”.

My new diet goal:

To weigh what mydriver’s license says.

I work at Hooter’s ...

...in the kitchen.

If stress burned calories,we’d both be supermodels!

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I love watching reality shows-

they make my life look pretty normal!

Dear God,

So far today, I am doing all right.I have not gossiped, lost my temper,been greedy, grumpy, selfish orself-indulgent. I have not whined,cursed, or eaten any chocolate.However, I am going to get out of bedin a few minutes, and I will need a lotmore help after that.

Amen.

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Card #01106Pessimists say the cup is half empty. Optimists say the cup is half full. I say, either way, it’s not going to be enough coffee.

I have CDO.It’s like OCD,

but all the lettersare in alphabetical order,

like they should be!

I’m on two diets.The first one just wasn’t giving me enough food.

I’m putting a cork

under my pillow tonight.

It’s been a crazy day,

and I’m hoping for a visit

from the Wine Fairy.

New! New!

New!

New!

Only real friends

can laugh for hours

about something,

stop laughing,

realize they forgot what

they were laughing about...

and then laugh even harder!

New!

I don’t want to brag or anything... but I can still fit into

the earrings I wore in high school.

New!

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Life is short.Live it up!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.

I think of them as stray eyebrows.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I had to give up joggingfor my health.My thighs kept rubbing togetherand setting my pantyhose on fire.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I have everything I had 20 years ago.Except now it’s all lower.HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

These days I spend a lot of time

thinking about the hereafter.

I go somewhere to get

something, and then I wonder

what I’m here after.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Birthdays are like underpants.They creep up on usfrom behind, and we hopethey don’t show too much.HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Girls gone wide!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Never give yourself a haircut

after three margaritas.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!A woman never forgets her age…once she decides what it is.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

At 20, we worry about

what other people think of us.

At 40, we don’t care about

what other people think of us.

At 60, we realize they haven’t been

thinking of us at all.

Thinking of you now!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Be who you areand say what you think.Because those that mind, don’t matter.And those that matter, don’t mind.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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You’re charming, funny,

smart, and personable.

Sometimes I just can’t tell us apart!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I hope this card isn’t too funny.I understand people your agepee pretty easily.HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Livin’ the dream!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Three words you hate to hearthe day after your birthday bash…Cell.

Phone.Camera.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

When did our “wild oats”turn into “shredded wheat”?!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Winestoppers…who has wine

left over to “stop” ?!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!As you get older,

remember that true beautycomes from within…...from within bottles, jars, compacts and tubes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Keep your chins up -

it’s just another birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Don’t fear getting older.

Fear getting stuck in traffic

after 2 cups of coffeeand a bran muffin.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Do you ever have the feelingthat the rest of the worldis just a couple ofcocktails behind?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I’ve stopped having birthdays,

but I still want the presents.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!Act someone else’s age!

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I don’t deserve a friend like you!

Of course, I don’t deserve

my mother’s thighs either…

Happy Birthday anyway! The 12-Step Chocoholics ProgramNever be more than 12 stepsaway from chocolate!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

You’re one step closer

to being the old lady

causing trouble in the nursing home!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Just like a fine wine,you improve with age.

Or do you justimprove with more wine?

HAPPY BIRTHDAYeither way!

It’s your birthday!LAUGH your glasses off!

I do not have gray hairs.

I have stress highlights.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Most people your agewant to grow old with dignity.

But it doesn’t look likeyou’re gonna let that happen!

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It’s your birthday!!

A birthday can do wondersfor a person...

Wonder where I left my keys?

Wonder if I washed these already?

Wonder why I came in this room?

Have a WONDERFUL Birthday!

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At our age,“friends with benefits”means health, dental, and 401K !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

New!

I decided to try and

“dance like no one is watching”.

Turns out someone was watching,

mistook my dancing for a seizure,

and called 911.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

New!

A man needs only two tools

in his workshop:WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn’t move and it should,

use the WD-40.

If it does move and it shouldn’t,

use the duct tape.

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Men love to barbeque.

Men love to cookwhen danger is involved!

First you forget names,then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up. And finally, you forget to pull it down.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Give a man a fish,

and he will eat for a day.

Teach him to fish,

and he will sit in a boat,

and drink beer all day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

My car absolutely will not rununless my golf clubsare in the trunk.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

A birthday cake isthe only food you can

blow on and spit on,

and everybody rushesto get a piece!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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Summer 2010

Greeting Cards & Gifts

Real Pets, Real Photos - Real Life!

New Look!New

Designs!

If you think dogs can’t count,try putting three dog treats

in your pocket,and then giving your dog

only two of them.

It’s great to be a dog…

because if you gain weight,it’s somebody else’s fault!

New rhinestone collar - $20.00Day at doggie day spa - $75.00

Tommy Holedigger cologne - $100.00

Look of envy in other dogs eyes –PRICELESS.

There is no snooze buttonon a cat who wants breakfast.

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No outfit is completewithout a few cat hairs.

I don’t do mornings.

We wonder why dogs always drink out of our toilets…

But look at it from their point of view - why do humans keep

peeing in our water bowls?!

Dogs are not our whole life,but they make our life whole.

Just wanted to say

HI!

If you don’t speak to your cat about catnip,

who will? Life is GOOD!

No matter how little money,or how few possessions you own,

having a dog’s lovemakes you rich.1

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Cat’s aren’t clean…

they’re just covered with cat spit.

“Because I’m the cat,that’s why!”

I thought about you today…

and I liked it so much,I’m going to do it again tomorrow!

Do I look like a freakin’ people person?!

Sometimes it’s betternot to think

“outside the box”…

How’s everythingon your end?

Handle every stressful situationlike a dog.

If you can’t eat it or play with it,pee on it and walk away.

I’d rather spend time doing nothing with you,

than doing somethingwith anyone else.

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Some days you’re the dog,some days you’re the hydrant.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Together forever in our hearts.

As one cat said to another…

Birthdays are like fur balls –the more you have,the more you gag.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Cat’s motto:

No matter what you’ve done wrong,always try to make it look

like the dog did it.2

Hope you’refeeling better soon!

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We are smiling!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

So sorry for your loss.

It’s your birthday…

party like someone forgotto close the gate!

It’s your birthday –

have a ball!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Still coolafter all these years!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Good things cometo those who are patient.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thanks for taking care of me!

I got you this present… May all your dreams come true!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

Wild Thing!

It’s just another birthday –

roll with it!

CONGRATULATIONSon your new

bundle of joy!

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