Adoption Now34

Helen Oakwater, an adoptive parent, NLP Coach and Trainer,adopted a pre-school sibling group in the early 1990s and hasfirst-hand knowledge of living with ‘the child who hurts’.Her knowledge and perspectives are borne from her own personaljourney, membership of adoption panels, books, numeroustraining courses and other adopters. Here she looks at the needsof both parents and our children and why knowing our values canhelp us to a better understanding of ourselves.

HAT do you needright now . . .

A cuppa, a hug, acknowledgement, dignity, atoilet, self-respect, grounding, fulfilment,warm socks, protection, importance or . . ?

We all have needs which we strive tomeet, sometimes consciously; popping tothe bathroom is a conscious act.Sometimes the need is satisfied outside ofour conscious awareness. Maybe youprefer to sit with your back to the wall in arestaurant, because, at an unconsciouslevel, it feels safer.

We adopted our children to fulfil our ownpersonal needs. Even though our individualmotivations may have varied, we all feltsomething was missing from our lives.A need was not met and we strove toattain it.

what do all humans need?You, me, our children – everyone is drivento fulfil unmet human need. It’s whatmotivates us and drives our behaviour,every second of the day, every day of the week.

By understanding our own needs andthose of our children we gain anotherperspective on the extraordinary task ofparenting traumatised children.This articleincludes two theoretical models to helpmake sense of our feelings and the oftenapparently nonsensical behaviour of ourchildren. Remember – children’sbehaviour is their vocabulary – asadults we must learn to understandand interpret it. (See CarolineArcher’s article The Language ofTrauma in Adoption Now).

Abraham Maslow’s famoushierarchy focuses on needs-based motivation.He proposed humansoperate as if they had ahierarchy of needs.Maslow classifieseverything except Self

Actualisation to be ‘deficit needs’ ie if youdon’t have it – you feel the need, but onceyou’ve got it, you feel nothing at all.Youdon’t notice the roof over your head untilit flies off or there is the threat of its loss.An absence of friends generates loneliness.When the lower ones are satisfied wefocus higher up the search pyramid. Understressful conditions we ‘regress’ to a lowerlevel need.

By contrast Self Actualization is a ‘beingneed’, the need to be all you can be; togrow and become the fullest ‘you’.

what did our children get?A baby fed intermittently; a toddlerslapped for being curious; a newbornshivering in a damp room; an infant rarelycuddled; a child who can’t sleep because ofthe shouting.These experiences are all toocommon for children subsequentlyadopted.Their basic physiological, safetyand belonging needs were regularlyunfulfilled or violated.

This legacy stays with them. Maybe theyhoard food; maybe they are hypervigilant;maybe they can only sleep with the lighton; maybe moist air makes them grumpy.

what motivateschildren traumatised in infancy?Children whose early basic needs were notmet will endeavour to satisfy them

valuing our need

W

Self-actualisationachieving individual potential

Esteemself-esteem and esteem from others

Belonginglove, affection, being a part of groups

Safetyshelter, removal from danger

Physiologicalhealth, food, sleep

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whenever possible.They will have a greaterneed to feel safe and know there is, andalways will be, food. So, they may need tosit at the back of the class, or turn roundfrequently because danger often comesfrom behind. At school, they may grab foodand on a day trip incessantly ask loudly,

‘When is lunch? What are we having?’Theirmotivation is survival –a teacher might seeit as naughtiness or disobedience orattention-seeking behaviour.

why did you become a parent?For us as adults, our desire to parentcomes mainly from the upper part ofMaslow’s hierarchy. Quite rightly,social services would notwant to place a child withus if we could notsatisfy the lower needlevels.You probablywanted love andconnection withyour child, a senseyou mattered inthe world, selfrespect and therespect of others.Your qualities oftruth, honesty,playfulness,self-sufficiency (all driving‘being’ needs of selfactualizers) would be criteriaused in your assessment as adopters.

why is parentingsometimes sounfulfilling? You didn’t plan to lose your dignity,confidence, safety, sense of belonging andpeer group, yet adopters often do.Parenting traumatised children is hugelychallenging and their demanding behaviouroften puts us into survival mode. Oftenour esteem, needs and sense of belongingis directly or indirectly trampled by ourchildren’s behaviour. Being called an ugly,f*** ing, smelly, b**** as you endeavour toput shoes on a six-year-old, whilst avoidingflailing limbs, is not ego boosting. Beingberated by a parent in the playground(because your little darling took severallarge bites out of their little darling)squashes your ego too.You’re not invitedto tea because your child hits everyone – so you’re excluded from yet anothergroup.Your basic ‘belonging need’ isseriously unfulfilled. Believe me, at thispoint you do not feel a sense ofconnection, contribution or selfactualization. Knowing you are being ofselfless service is, in my experience, notenough at the moment when you arefighting for survival. And, when in this stateyou rarely have the time or space toreflect on your own needs.

the PersonalConsciousness ModelRichard Barrett has proposed thatMaslow’s categories represent states ofconsciousness and has expanded ‘SelfActualisation’ into four stages whichtogether explain the motivating forces ofall human interactions.

The first three stages – our basicneeds – focus on physical

survival, emotional andphysical safety; and our

emotional need forself esteem.Thehigher needs (fiveto seven) focus onour ‘spiritual’needs, the lastthree theunfolding of thehuman soul, with

transformation(fourth stage) lying

between.

Before you dismiss this isas ‘lah lah’ psychobabble

territory – Richard Barrett is aninternationally recognised authority onValues Based Leadership; he is the formerValues Coordinator at the World Bank.Senior business leaders throughout theworld listen to him! I had a huge ‘aha’ whenexposed to this model – it made sense ofmy experience with my children and myreactions to specific events and ongoingcircumstances.

Barrett says, “If we grew up without one,some or all of our basic needs beingsatisfied, we find ourselves trying to fill theemptiness we feel inside by getting whatwe want from the external world. In thissituation we lead a dependency-basedexistence.”

This quote is in a business book, yet it fitswith our experience parenting traumatisedchildren. It’s why they steal, overeat,demand attention, crave sugar, lie, can’t beleft alone etc: because the emptiness insideis so painful and it rarely goes away and itsurfaces in times of stress.

To increase the difficulty, we can add ourknowledge from complex developmentaltrauma (Van Der Kolk etc) – theemptiness was generated unconsciouslyusing all the senses, and stored in theimplicit (not explicit) memory and thebody – generally before the child couldtalk. (Remember trauma is fundamentallystored in the right brain, which is notaccessed with language.)

ds

“By understanding our own needs and

those of our children wegain another perspective

on the extraordinarytask of parenting

traumatised children.”

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Hence getting inside a child to heal thiswound is very tricky.That’s why therapeuticreparenting is essential for traumatisedchildren. It’s not optional. ‘Filling theemptiness inside’ is an ongoing, oftenlifelong, experience, and facilitating it in ourchildren is a vital ingredient in our role asadopters.

how does this impact you?‘To be successful in the world we need tolearn how to master the satisfaction of allour needs so we can operate from fullspectrum consciousness’.A great aspiration, Mr Barrett.

I think many adopters had this before theirchildren arrived. So a few years afterplacement, its absence is sharply noticed;parents have a void in their lives. Can youoperate at full spectrum consciousnesswhen your children reject you, schooloffers little sustenance and other adultsavoid you.

Those of us who stop professionalemployment, (because our kids need us athome) lose that source of positivereinforcement, achievement and the self-worth disappears along with the paycheque. NO WONDER YOU FEELBELEAGUERED.Your basic human needsare being challenged and you’ve lost sightof the higher motivation.You are stuck inlevels one, two and three.That is a prettythankless place to be.

To increase your personalempowerment, you must first recognisewhich of your needs are currently notbeing met and then start working out howyou can address your deficit needs.That’sGood Self Care.

It’s also useful to consider other motivatingfactors such as your beliefs and values.

why values matterBy understanding our values and thereforeour motivations, we can learn to alignourselves and be congruent.The morecongruent we are, the more we can betrue to ourselves and comfortable withwho we are; an essential element of GoodSelf Care.

Understanding why you are happy or sador angry or joyful or depressed isenormously useful. It somehow gives youpermission to acknowledge the feelings, bewith them and let them progress through you.

Like many adopters, I have experiencedenormous challenges with my children. Itwas only after getting my head roundvalues that I started to realise why I wasangry or sad or depressed.

One of my high values is truth and honestyso living with children who lie and stealregularly crashed into that value!

I found that I could learn to live withdeceit by connecting to my values of‘family’ and ‘contribution’, and byremembering that the stealing was notpersonal.The beliefs my children formed in

their early life were the trigger for thebehaviour. However, when an adultdeceives me I’m infuriated.Truth is still avery high value for me – but in thecontext of my children I’ve learned torestructure it.

For me that’s useful. It helps me to keepmy sanity, so it’s Good Self Care. Good SelfCare incorporates having the maximumnumber of resources available to us at anytime. Internal resources develop throughunderstanding yourself better.

values are motivatorsValues are interlinked with beliefs.However one belief or cluster of beliefscould result in very different actions. Let’stake a belief – ‘The world is a dangerousplace’.This might manifest in safety andsecurity being a high value.The resultantbehaviour could be the need for a steadysafe job with a pension, or stealing, or

staying indoors, or not risking intimacy, orhitting first, or clinging to any perceivedrescuer, accepting domestic violence or . . .you get the picture – countless outcomes.

Our values and beliefs answer the question‘why’ and help us to make meaning fromexperiences.

Values relate to what we want and desire.We value something for its worth to us.We might value old photos because they remind us of happy times.We mightvalue money because it gives us security or allows us to buy a car which impresses others.

‘Because values are associated with worth,meaning and desire values are a primarysource of motivation in people’s lives.When people’s values are met or matched,they feel a sense of satisfaction, harmonyor rapport.When their values are not met,people often feel dissatisfied, incongruentor violated.’ Robert Dilts (Sleight of Mouth1999).

In essence, our motivation to dosomething (our behaviour) comes fromour values. It’s what gets us out of bed inthe morning!

There are lots of ‘values’. None are ‘right’or ‘wrong’. Everyone has a differenthierarchy of values which are unique.Theymight include such things as security,reciprocity, success, recognition, family, love,sensuality, connection, creativity, praise,achievement, humour, challenge, fun,independence, vitality, financial success,adulation, responsibility, contribution,respect, stability, change, flexibility, intellect,simplicity, health, wealth, friendship, safety,team-building, originality, pleasure . . . toname but a few.

Even though values matter ; we seldomthink about them. People don’t normallyconsider, list or prioritise their values.However, having identified them, peoplefind it hugely valuable because it helpsthem to understand what really matters to

Meeting need of Level Motivation Focus

Soul 7 Service Leading a life of selfless service

Soul 6 Making a difference Making a positive difference in the world

Soul 5 Internal cohesion Finding personal meaning in existence

– 4 Transformation Finding freedom by letting go of our fears about survival, feeling loved and respected by our peers

Ego 3 Self-esteem Feeling a sense of personal self-worth

Ego 2 Relationship Feeling safe, respected and loved

Ego 1 Survival Satisfying our physical needs

“. . . I have experienced

enormous challenges withmy children. It was only after getting my head

round values that I startedto realise why I was

angry, sad or depressed.”

Below:The Seven Stages/Levels of Personal Consciousness from Building a Values-driven Organisation byRichard Barrett. In the table each stage focuses on a particular need inherent in the human condition.The ideal is to have all levels satisfied. See the Barrett Values Centre website for deeper insights:www.valuescentre.com

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them, what they really want in their livesand why certain things wind them up.

Different departments in an organisationwill have different values.The Accounts,Sales, Programming and Human Resourcesdepartments would each rate security,challenge, fun, achievement, creativity,flexibility, praise, spiritual connection,curiosity, love, family, reciprocity, health,responsibility and honesty differently.Within each department, individuals wouldhave their own unique list.

In what order would you put this randomlist? (There’s no right or wrong – justinteresting to think about).

Why does this matter to adopters?Because sometimes unpacking ourresponse to an event can throw light ontowhat really matters to us at a deep leveland what value has been stomped on.

If ‘connecting to others’ is important toyou, yet your child’s behaviour disconnectsyou from other parents in the playground,that bumps an important value and mightmake you feel isolated, sad, solitary, angryor mistreated. (Yet another reason whyconnecting to other adopters throughAdoption UK is important).

Q. What does your child do that reallywinds you up? (Pause . . . and think)

Q. Why do you hate that behaviour somuch? (Pause . . . and be honest)

Q. What would be the worse thing yourchild could do? (Pause . . . and consider . . .now think again . . . is that really the worstthing they could do?)

Q. Why does it matter? Answer: It mattersbecause that dreadful behaviour or actionviolates something really important to you,something that you hold dear and isintegral to who you are at a deep level. Itchallenges your values.

So, one action by a child triggers a reactionin us. By identifying the violated value wecan choose to think and act differentlynext time.

how to identify your valuesThink of something that happened recentlythat made you sad or angry or joyful.Ask yourself:

“Why did that matter?”“Because . . .

“And why is that important?”“Because . . .

“And why is that important?”“Because . . .

Keep asking the questions until you findyou’re looping back to the same thing. Ifyou do this process (which only takes afew minutes) regularly, and especially after‘an incident’, it can be enlightening.

the only constant in life is changeValues like beliefs can be enhanced,modified and changed.They are not fixedin stone; they can sometimes be modifiedin different contexts. Health is often a valuewhich shoots to the top of the pile if aserious disease is diagnosed. Previously itmay have sat below, say, family, contribution,pleasure, responsibility and challenge.

So it may be worthwhile for you to gentlyexamine your values and check whetherthey still apply or whether an update isneeded. Are they still useful, which are youpaying lip serve to and which are you trulyliving? You might list them.

whose values are you holding?There is a joke allegedly told in AAmeetings:

Q. Why does your Mother know how topress all your buttons?

A. Because she installed them.

What if some of your beliefs and valuesactually belonged to someone else? What ifyou were operating with some beliefs andvalues that served you at two, six ortwelve but hadn’t been updated? Youupdate software on your computerfrequently; run virus checks daily or weekly.Do you run virus checks on the softwarerunning your mind? When did you lastupgrade your mental software?

Decide which software you want toupdate. Observe that ‘thought virus’, thatgremlin who undermines you.Take themout, expose them to the light, find theirmessage then, if you want, upgrade them.

Do you need to upgrade ‘I must look aftereveryone else’s needs before my own’ or‘my needs don’t matter’ into ‘Caring formyself allows me to care for othersbetter’? Is it time to address your needs? �

© Helen Oakwater 2008

Her credentials and other articles can befound at www.helenoakwater.com