valentine's edition 2014 - the albany parker

VOTE FOR

THE JOKE!

Edition 13

The only satirical/entertainment paper in St Andrews

That’ s right! When those damn elections come, vote for the JOKEcandidate. Last year a joke candidate almost won the race to becomeUnion president – and we think this year’ s contender could come evencloser.

Now, we know the rules state that you can’ t start campaigninguntil election week. But we haven’ t broken that rule, because we don’ tknow who the joke candidate is! If you want to stand, contact usat+ [email protected]+ or our Facebook page and we’ ll provideyou with our full support when the time comes.

Heck, you’ve already had a several-hundred-pound campaignhead start – this front page has been seen by 2,000 students! + SEE PAGE 2

for more.

UniverCity Taxis Telephone: 07794 752 396www.uctt.co.uk

Taxis around town + airport shuttle to Edinburgh

LETTERS FROM ST

ANDREWS’ FAVOURITE

GRANNY

“Patricia Darcy

had it hard in-

deed. Hard and

thrice nightly”

Page 8

BRITAIN’S HOTTEST

POLITICIANS

Fiona McNeill

gets hot under

the collar with the

top party leaders

of today

Page 3

BATTLE OF THE BABES

Vote for your favourite!

Page 4

Valentine's Edition

MARIA’S HAPPY BELLY

VALENTINE’S DAY

DINNER TIPS

Tips for how to

impress your

sweetheart with

home cooking

0See page 6

ST ANDREWS

DATING

GUIDE

VOTE FOR THE JOKE! The Albany Parker Valentine's Edition

Q) Great! Where do I apply?A) Contact us at our Facebook pageor [email protected] do not use your universityemail account! But don’t startcampaigning yet, because pen-pushers at the Union arenotoriously strict and will ban youfrom running if you do. If wereceive two or more jokeapplications, we’ll need to discusswho has the broadest appeal andthe best chance of winning.

BREAKING ELECTION

SCOOP: The Albany Parker haslearnt of a male fourth-year studentwho started building a vast (45+)campaign team LAST summer, allof whose members have been swornto secrecy regarding the person’sidentity – apart from a few wholeaked details to one of this paper’sstaff. We question how big acampaign team has to be beforebeing seen as campaigning...

Last year’s joke candidate, Mr JamieRoss, actually got more votes thancurrent prez Kim Jong-Hill in thefirst few voting rounds. We want tocreate a huge shockwave inridiculous, pretentious studentpolitics by getting the JOKE elected.

This is our last print edition beforethe elections take place. Hence, oureffort may be really early but it’snow or never!

Q) Democracy is important, whyare you trying to make a mockeryof it?A) Well, this is student ‘democracy’.Our Sabbs have no real influence atall. Did you know Chloe Hillpromised to reduce tuition fees andcreate a student letting agency? Yetall she’s actually done is try to ban asilly pop song and vote in favour oftransgender bathrooms in thelibrary (seriously!). Now that’s ajoke!

Oh, she’s also refused to show usher expenses on REPEATEDoccasions – her and those otherthree Sabbs.

Q) Couldn't they just ban the jokecandidate?A) Hell no! That would besabotaging the democraticprocess. Can you imagine.. .

Q) Okay, what do I need to do?A) Basically nothing! You won’thave to do any real campaigningapart from making silly policies. Itwould help if you are funny andalready popular. Being popularhelps to win popularity contestssuch as this one, you know?

Q) What’s in it for me?A) You’ll get to spend anotherwhole year dossing around in StAndrews – with a £19k salary! Oh,you’ll also appear in the nationalpapers if you win!

LONELY HEARTS AD: Editor of biggest student paper in St Andrews seeks kind, tender, warm-hearted blonde formarriage. This man, slim, athletic and bearded, already holds a company directorship. Will take first female replyout to dinner. Likes computer games. Bad memory. Likes computer games. Seeking companion to make the frontpage headline of my lonely life. Contact Elliot Davies at [email protected] or call/ text 07501 447 903.

'The Albany Parker Limited'. Business number: 08677046.Registered office: 1 2 Hil lside Crescent, Harrow, HA2 0QX. Editor: Mr Mikesh Mistry. Deputy Editor: Miss Laras Yuniarto.

BRITAIN’S HOTTESTPOLITICIANS

I think you’ll agree that nothingsays ‘aphrodisiac’ quite like politics.The suits, the heated debates, thepower over pension law – I’msweating just thinking about it.Might I suggest to any desperategentleman a Valentines’ trip to theScottish parliament (if you didn’talready do it for her birthday)?Should your budget not stretch thatfar, a Cameron-in-Ibiza wallcalendar will do. But who is thehottest British politician?

The solution lies in the realisationthat there is no one winner. Muchlike a box of chocolates they are alldelicious specimens and it is simplyour tastes that differ.

Are you attracted to a tall,permanently sun-kissed look and alarge inheritance, and don’t mind abit of bald? Then David Cameron isyour man. We’ve all seen how fondhe is of bombing Libya and we’resure he’d make no distinction withyour labia.

Or are you looking for a slightly(and really, the difference is ever soslight) younger model with a fullhead of hair? Have Nick Clegg.Remember, this stud said he’s sleptwith no less than 30 women – doyou want to let him gethis Cleggover you? Or do you wantto go down faster than his pollratings?

Maybe a politically incorrect jokegets you hot under the collar, inwhich case Nigel Farage is sure toplease. Good old Nige has justrecovered from back surgery. Well,from what we’ve heard he’s beendoing (or “who he’s.. . .”), no bloodywonder!

The Albany Parker Valentine's Edition

By Fiona McNeill

Then there’s Ed Miliband.Admittedly David got the betterlooks but Ed managed to get theparty. From a breeding perspectivethe genetic cocktail could producephenomenal results. Not a badchoice at all. If you really want toget kinky, tell Ed to bring his big fatBalls.

And finally, if you like a Scousebrow, the convenience of a shorttrain ride and have absolutely noother standards, then Mr Salmondis as fine a choice as any.

Image credits to Mattias Gugel, Liberal Democrats, Plashing Vole,European Parliament, and Scottish Government.

BATTLE OF THE BABES The Albany Parker Valentine's Edition

Because no couple can be as cute as the crotchfruit they spawn. Vote for your favouritebaby on www.albanyparker.co.uk and the person with the most votes will win a FREEdinner for two at The Balaka restaurant! Full T&Cs on website.

JOIN THE ALBANYPARKER!

Send an email to

[email protected]

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TOP NINE REASONSTO GO TO CROMARS

1) We all love fish & chips – whodoesn’t? Especially when only thefreshest and best ingredients areused! 2) They use beef drippings to frytheir food in. This costs a lot morethan conventional methods but isone of the secrets behind their tastyfreshly prepared food! 3) Don’t fancy fish’n’chips? They’vegot a whole range of foods whichcertainly surprised us: pizza,grilled fish, burgers, chargrilledchicken, fish cakes and greatItalian aroma coffee – from agenuine coffee machine that is allchrome and red – just like a Ferrari! 4) It’s opposite the BuchananBuilding – fed up of that boringHistory/Econ/ IR lecture? Wellsneak out and buy some chips! (butonly ifyou are Asian – ifsomeonecomplains about the smell, just accusethem ofracism) 5) Down with big chains! Let’s helppreserve St Andrews’ uniquecharacter by spending our money incute little independent family-owned shops. Go to Cromars and eatyour food right in front ofDominoes inprotest! 6) ATTENTION ALL NIGHTOWLS: Cromars has a late licenceand is open till at least 12.30am and2.30am on three nights! And youwon’t be chatted up by a Turkish man! 7) ATTENTION ALL LAZYNIGHT OWLS: You don’t evenhave to leave the discomfort of yourstale, cold room – Cromars delivers!

8) ATTENTION ALL EARLYBIRDS: They do breakfast! Yes, noone wants fish’n’chips at that time(Dundonians excluded) butpancakes, egg/ sausage/bacon rolls,porridge and bagels!

9) The best Valentine’s day spot –so you want to take your crush outfor a meal with some fine wine,

prosecco or champagne but don’twant to make it obvious. Well go toCromars! Fish’n’chips doesn’t reallysay ‘romance’ but your date will beso impressed with the food thatthey will be yours forever. And bestof all, Cromars guarantees this oryour money back!*

*This hasn’t been confirmed.


ST ANDREWS VALENTINE’SDAY DATING GUIDE

The St Andrews Schweff

How to Spot Her: The easiest one tofind – just aim straight for thenearest cluster of Barbour jacketsand Hunter wellies. SouthernEnglish or Edinburgh accents are aperfect giveaway.

Where to Take Her: As far from Ma

Bell’s as possible. Even while closedfor refurbishment, it is stillguaranteed to exert an unshakeablegravitational pull on the sort of rich,floppy-haired rugby/hockeyplayers who have far more of achance with her than yourmiserable self.

What to Buy Her as a Present:Don’t even bother trying to get heranything. There’s no way it’ll be asexpensive or exclusive as what herlast date (the former captain ofGlenalmond’s First XV) bought her,and so any attempt on your partwill be painfully embarrassing foryou both.


The American Girl

How to Spot Her: Oh come on, it’snot that hard when you’re withinearshot. But for those of you whostruggle to get close enough, shecan often be found in some form ofchain coffee shop (or any otherbuilding in St Andrews for thatmatter).

Where to Take Her: Two big drawsof St Andrews for many of itsAmerican students are its quirkynature and classic architecture,making The Keys your mostobvious choice. However, be sure tochoose a secluded area of the pub,since comments such as “Oh mygahd – it’s soooooo English!” couldland you in hot water withSalmondite patrons.

What to Buy Her as a Present:Anything deemed “cute” or“preddy”. Or a box of shortbreadwhich they can then Instagram toprove they’re living the full Scottishexperience.

The Art History Student

How to Spot Her: Nearly alwaysdressed like the shameless lovechild of a vintage jumble sale andsome obscure French cinemacharacter.

As the most romantic day on the calendar approaches, J.L.M and I.B.L.L offer their advice for any prospective Romeo seeking a

successful date in Scotland’s First University.

Where to Take Her: The Rule orThe Westport, since anywhere moreaesthetically pleasing will leave hercharmed by the interior designrather than the inferior qualities ofyour wretched ugliness.

What to Buy Her as a Present:Something cheap and dreadful froma charity shop. If she doesn’timmediately like it, try claimingthat it was mischievously liberatedduring a visit to the Tate Modern.

The Sporty Girl

How to Spot Her: Usually clad insome form of excessively lurid,fluorescent Lycra tights withmatching top and trainers. Look forsomeone with an annoyingabundance of energy, oftenmanifested in non-stop movementor non-stop talking (both of whichmake her difficult to approach).

Where to Take Her: A trip to thegym or a shared Zumba class couldprovide the perfect bondingopportunity. However, since most ofus aren’t built to withstand suchexertion, you would almostcertainly more closely resemble thewilted rocket in her salad than herprospective lover. In that case, a tripto the chippy should guarantee alow-cost evening.

What to Buy Her as a Present: Twokilos of lean whey protein powder.

The Science Student

How to Spot Her: Her attire oftenmirrors the practicality of hersubject and as such style is oftensuperseded by function, which is to

say that she dresses terribly. She isfar easier to spot during the day asher evenings are often dedicated tosci-fi film clubs whilst her artscounterparts enjoy the party.

Where to Take Her: Somewhere asunsightly as her Science and Mathsbuildings to make her feel at home.Perhaps central Dundee?

What to Buy Her as a Present: Ifmoney is no object, then a year'ssubscription to New Scientist. Ifyou’re not sure the date will workout, then anything containing pipuns usually goes down a treat.

The Royal Student

How to Spot Her: Any place that


charges cover, so most definitely notthe Union. But quite frankly, thereal trick is to get her to spot you.It’s probably a good idea to becomea model on a fashion show – thistechnique is actually proven.

Where to Take Her: Make upFrench-sounding foods and rantabout how amazing they tasted. Toimpress you, she’ll book a tablesomewhere really exotic, like TheSeafood Restaurant.

What to Buy Her as a Present:Sorry honey, but if you haven’tlearnt by now, you just ain’t royalmaterial. She should be the onebuying you a present.

The Madras College S6 Student

How to Spot Her: No

Where to Take Her: Please – don’tgo there

What to Buy Her as a Present: Forfuck’s sake, just NO

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LETTERS FROM ST ANDREWS’FAVOURITE GRANNY


back from business in London andbe so wearied from the ride that hewould have to take a swim in thelake of baby oil I had put round theback of our new, immodestlyenormous mansion. He would thenslide naked down the chimney toour bedroom where I was usuallywaiting in some state of undress,whereupon we would have asteamy, liberated encounter.

At least, I think that's whathappened. I'm not sure. I may havebeen watching television whilewriting this and I do get muddledwhen multitasking – last week I wastrying to make a snack for the vicarwhile listening to the Archers and Ispat in his cucumber sandwiches.He didn’t notice though.

All my love,Patricia Stephenson.

Dear Readers,

Valentine’s Day approaches fast,and my mind is often involuntarilycast back with no warning to theromantic days of my youth. In fact,if I concentrate hard enough, I canremember when I was a renownedlocal beauty in the village ofMaryton where I grew up with my

sisters Kitty, Lydia, Mary, and Jane.Jane was the most beautiful, but shewas also completely spineless, witha vapid, cow-like face. Mary was asour old trout and Lydia a secretpervert, while Kitty was about asinteresting as three-day poot. Eventhen, I knew I would be somethingdifferent.

We lived in a modestly enormousmansion, Longbourne, because wewere very poor rich people whoonly had four servants and three-hundred times the income of ourtenants. Times were hard, and I hadto marry a handsome, ridiculouslyrich man who rode horses inextremely tight pants that leftnothing to the imagination. PatriciaDarcy had it hard indeed. Hard andthrice nightly.

Sometimes my Darcy would come

QUEEN TO LAUNCHMISSILES AT ST ANDREWS


shithole) in the event of a ‘yes’ voteon 18 September. Although herofficial position forbids launchingstrikes on her own territories, she isprivately of the opinion that anindependent Scotland “can go fuckitself” and will immediately give upthe Scottish throne so that themilitary action can commence.

Speculation also rose ofMcCarthyesque plans to round upcelebrity supporters of Scottishindependence and make them‘disappear’, although theseparticular rumours have beenrubbished by the palace. An officialstatement claimed that “HerMajesty does not believe in thesuppression of political views. TheProclaimers, prominent supportersof independence, are one of theQueen’s favourite music acts.”

When The Proclaimers werecontacted by the AP for a response,their agent, who was recoveringfrom falling out of a third-floorwindow for the second time thatday, conveyed through hand signalsand nervous blinking that the boyshad taken an unexpected holiday.

Image credits to Amanda Slater, The Co-operative.

There are rumours fromWestminster that Her Majesty theQueen is preparing military airstrikes on Scotland should theindependence referendum go theway of Alex Salmond. The decisionseems to stem from the debacle overKenly Windfarm.

After planning permission wasdenied by Fife Council overconcerns from local residents andthe Ministry of Defence, theUniversity complained to formerstudent First Minister AlexSalmond. “It’s not fair!” theUniversity is said to have whined,continuing, “It’s almost as thoughFife Council think they run NorthEast Fife, not us.” The First Ministerthen pulled some strings, overruledboth Fife Council and the MOD andgave approval for the wind turbinesto be planted above the picturesquelittle town.

According to Buckingham Palaceinsiders, Her Majesty expresseddispleasure with the decision,saying, “Who does that little oikthink he is? He can dictate to the

peasantry all he wants, but he willnot be screwing with my flyboys.”

In an unprecedented act, the Queenthen apparently had the UKgovernment devise plans forstrategic military air strikes againstthe Scottish Parliament, KenlyWindfarm, Louise Richardson’sfront garden and the whole ofGlenrothes (possibly because it is a

By Armstrong Siddelly


sauce and serve. Meat or nut roastsare both very impressive and can bepulled out of the oven duringdinner for minimum fuss. Seafooden papillote makes for greatpresentation, but if you’re worriedabout over- or under-cooking thefish then stick to the first twooptions.

DessertNothing says love and romance likea rich, dense chocolate dessert. Ifyou can pull off a good fondant orsoufflé served with cold crèmefraiche, by all means do so – it’llmake you very lucky later on in theevening. If that’s intimidating, try aflourless cake or a mousse; if you’relooking for something lighter, a fruitplate and some nice chocolates isyet another good option.

AlcoholSpeak to the St Andrews WineCompany after you’ve come upwith your menu to find matchingwines.'

It’s Valentine’s Day, so the pressureis definitely on, but remember: atthe end of the day, it’s the thoughtthat counts.

Image credits infiniteache, Stuart Spivack,Andreas Lindmark.

treat your significant other –cooking for them. While it mayseem like a lot of blood and sweat,it’s all about time management andplanning. For one thing, you don’twant to be in the kitchen. From themoment they arrive, you shouldonly step into the kitchen two tothree times for no more than 5minutes each time. The table shouldbe already set up, the customisedmusic playlist should be on, andfeel free to include candles andflowers if you so wish.

AppetizerMake something ahead of time.Cured meats, pâtés, cheeses, andsome bread and good olive oil onthe table with wine is terrific.However, this option can be quiteexpensive – so how about crostiniand bruschetta? Take somesourdough bread, cut into 1-inchslices, toast in the oven, rub withsliced garlic, drizzle with olive oiland they’re ready to be dressed. Anice tomato salsa or a cheese-baseddip spread on top and perked upwith some chopped herbs would beperfect.

MainYou can do a pasta by making thesauce ahead of time, then later onjust cook the pasta to toss with the

There are manyways to go aboutthe big scaryValentine’s Day,and here I offer aguide to theultimate way to

By Maria Sisci

LOVE, EVENTUALLY


SA: SOMETHING BIG IS GONNAHAPPEN THE 26TH. SO MUCHCAN HAPPEN IN AMONTHCA: True. You could be engaged ina month…

Wednesday 00:57CA: We will not be shy helplessgirls. We are strong independentwomen who are going to take StAndrews by stormSA: Ya know what…Yes! Yes weare! ! We are not defined by men!

What happens next? Find out online onValentine's Day!

A typical St Andrews datingexperience (you know it's true.. .).

Thursday 22:51SA: I can’t tell. Is he posh or not?CA: Ya know, I have been trying tofigure that out… He went to aprivate school (but I guess they alldo). He seems like he could be?SA: He definitely sounds posh.

CA: Yea that’s what I can’t get over.He dresses like Prince William andsounds posh but I can’t tell.SA: All I know is he’s more poshthan I am… BUT EVERYONETHERE IS SO I MEAN…CA: I can’t wait to see well dressedguys who are intelligent. Definitelydon’t have that here.SA: Same. Here. It’s made me trulyappreciate British men even more…if that were possible

Thursday 23:15CA: Kate Middleton is flawlessperfectionSA: I think she’s supernaturalCA: If you date **** you are one stepcloser to being herSA: Or ****** for that matter, he’salso EuropeanSA: Plot twist: he is secretly royalCA: THAT WOULD BE AMAZINGSA: JUST IMAGINECA: I would fight you forhim...sorry. All’s fair in love & war

Thursday 23:42SA: TOO BAD I’M AWKWARDWITH MALESCA: NO YOU AREN’T. THEYLOVE YOUSA: I HOPE YOU’RE RIGHT

Saturday 11:31SA: So. Tired. Of. Informative.Messages. From. ****CA: Oh no. Maybe this is how heflirts..?SA: I hope notCA: He’s English. We will literallynever be able to tell with himSA: Like we could be like this forthe next 4 years and all of a suddenhe would pull out a ring andproposeCA: Oh my gosh... How are wegoing to do this for the next 4 years?SA: WE ARE BEING TESTED! Don't

they know we need verbalaffirmation?!CA: That is my love languageSA: ME. TOO.CA: Also Zara is having an amazingsale…SA: STAHP

Monday 19:28CA: I’m watching Bridget Jones’sDiary and it's what the future holdsfor us if we don’t find men…SA: As if we need more motivationCA: It’s a brilliant representation ofBritish menSA: I may need to check it outthen… For education purposes…

Tuesday 15:17SA: OMG WEIRD. I NEVER READMY HOROSCOPE BUT THAT IS SOBIZARRE.CA: OH MY GOSH THAT IS SOFREAKY

valentine's edition 2014 - the albany parker

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