Resilient Leadership Basic TrainingResilient Leadership Basic Training

Unit 4: TrianglesUnit 4: Triangles

Resilient Leadership

Resilient Leaders are able to: • Lead with calm, clarity and conviction in the midst of anxiety

provoked by increasing complexity and accelerating change.

• Such individuals lead from strength, know how to care for

themselves emotionally, spiritually and physically, and can

sustain their leadership efforts over time.

Resilient Leadership is a new way of SEEING,

THINKING and LEADING that helps leaders

navigate the hidden dynamics of organizations

more effectively.

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Where Does It Fit?

1.Reactivity

2.Stay Connected

3.Over-Under Functioning

4.TRIANGLES

5.Non-Anxious Presence

6.Focus on Your Own

Functioning

7.Lead with Conviction

8.The Fallacy of Empathy

A New Way of THINKING

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TRIANGLES:

Every relationship network (e.g., families, organizations) has a Rational System and an Emotional System.

What are Triangles?

• A triad between three people formed to lower stress being experienced between two of the people. Triangles can also involve two people and an unresolved issue or conflict.

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The 3 Big Ideas

Triangles are nature’s way of relieving stress in relationships, and they are everywhere!

Triangles:

Efforts to change the other side of the triangle generally produce the opposite effect and leave you with the stress.

How you manage your own reactivity in triangles is what makes a triangle healthy or toxic.

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For Reflection

What questions do you have for deeper understanding of this topic?

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Friedman on Triangles:

“For leaders, the capacity to understand and think in terms of emotional triangles can be the key to their stress, their health, their effectiveness, and their relational binds. Almost every issue of leadership and the difficulties that accompany it can be framed in terms of emotional triangles, including motivation, clarity, decision-making, resistance to change, imaginative gridlock, and a failure of nerve.”

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From Failure of Nerve©, p. 206, the Church Publishing Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission of Church Publishing Incorporated, New York, NY.

Triangles are nature’s way of relieving stress in relationships, and they are everywhere!

• Triangles are a “natural phenomenon”. They form out of the discomfort which people have with one another, as a response meant to lessen anxiety by “redistributing it” over a larger geography.

First Big IdeaTriangles:

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First Big IdeaTriangles:

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Husband Child

Wife

ChildHusband

Wife

First Big IdeaTriangles:

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Co-Worker Boss

Co-Worker

Boss’

Shortcomings

Co-Worker

Co-Worker

Common Workplace Triangles*

Anxious Person Is Challenged By Turns toManager Employee Another EmployeeEmployee Boss SpouseSales Group Engineers COOTeam Member Another Team Member ManagerManager Underperformer CoachExecutive Board Member Peer

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*Adapted from: Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart, by Mary Beth O’Neill

Small Group Discussion

Part 1: • Reflect on a triangle you are currently part of at work (remember

they are everywhere!) and draw it on page 9 of your Participant Journal.

• If there is stress or conflict between 2 of the points, indicate so with a jagged line. Consider whether you think this triangle is healthy or toxic.

Part 2:• Share in your small group your example of the triangle you are

part of and discuss the impact it has on you.

Part 3:• Report out to large group: Group leader will summarize the discussion

and share one or two examples.

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Efforts to change the other side of the triangle generally produce the oppositeeffect and leave you with the stress.

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Second Big IdeaTriangles:

A (Boss)

B (Direct Report) C (Direct Report)

Efforts to change the other side of the triangle generally produce the oppositeeffect and leave you with the stress.

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Second Big IdeaTriangles:

A (Boss)

B (Direct Report) C (Direct Report)

A better

strategy

Efforts to change the other side of the triangle generally produce the oppositeeffect and leave you with the stress.

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Second Big IdeaTriangles:

A (Boss)

B (Direct Report) C (Boss’ Expectations)

Small Group Discussion

• Brainstorm the kinds of triangles you see today in ORA – those that are formed between individuals, between groups, and between people & issues.

• Discuss whether these triangles tend to be healthy or unhealthy. For those that are unhealthy, what might you and/or others do differently to manage yourselves better in these triangles?

• Report out to large group: Group leader will summarize major themes that have emerged.

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How you manage your own anxiety in triangles is what makes a triangle healthy or toxic.

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Third Big IdeaTriangles:

Maintaining emotional neutrality in a triangle is the best way to avoid getting “hooked”and stuck with the anxiety that the triangle is designed to spread around:

• Avoid feeling sorry for, blaming, feeling responsible to find solutions, thinking about what “should be”.

• Try to see both sides of the dynamics between the other two without taking sides.

• Work at defining self, rather than changing others’ minds.

Best Practices for “Detriangling”

• Work at developing relationships with each of the other two sides, and encourage them to resolve their issues or differences.

• Try to see both sides of the dynamics between the other two without taking sides.

• Be curious; try to draw out facts by asking good questions.

• Propose alternative ways to frame/see/understand the situation.

• Work at defining self, rather than changing others’ minds or agree/disagreeing with others.

• Don’t get attached to any particular outcome.

• Remain available as a resource while the other two sides reach resolution.

• Avoid feeling sorry for, blaming, feeling responsible, thinking about “what should be.”

Small Group Discussion

• Reflect on how you manage yourself in triangles in your workplace by filling in the REFLECT activity on page 15.

• Share with one another your answers to the REFLECT activity and discuss any insights you have about how you typically manage yourself in triangles.

• Report out to large group: Group leader will summarize major themes that have emerged.

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Re-CapTriangles:

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JunoWhat did you see?

• What issues between the married couple have they been avoiding, by focusing instead on Juno and her unborn baby?

• Pick one of the characters in this triangle and imagine they came to you for counsel. How might you apply the suggestions on page 14 to help them manage their own anxiety in the triangle?

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• There are at least two additional triangles that are evident in this clip besides the obvious one of the two parents and Juno. What are they?

Small Group Discussion:

Connecting to Your

Work Environment

• Think of an instance in your current job or (in another organization where you worked) where there were triangles influencing the work environment. Were these influences positive or negative?

• Think of a time when you observed a co-worker here (or elsewhere) managing themselves effectively in a triangle. What did they do that was effective? How did they handle themselves, and how did they relate to the other two sides of the triangle?

• What is most challenging for you in managing the triangles you face here or elsewhere?

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Actually recognizing triangles in the first place.

Relinquishing efforts to manage the other side of triangles in which I find myself.

Managing my own reactivity when I become involved in difficult triangles.

Which of the activities below are you strongest in? Which do you find the most difficult, and why?

Pause to Reflect

• Think of a time, either in your work or personal life, when you were deeply impacted by a triangle. What were the circumstances? How were you impacted by the triangle? What do you see now that was unclear to you then?

• Where in your leadership at the present time might you take action to reposition yourself in a toxic triangle?

Notes

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Work to improve an existing triangle in which you are involved by opening up direct lines of communication with the others in the triangle and by withdrawing from any effort to influence the relationship between the other two people involved. Pick one of the

following practices you can commit to incorporating into your leadership competencies.

Watch for the emergence of negative triangles around you in the work place during the coming weeks, and coach others to avoid the trap of trying to take action to influence the other side of the triangle in which they are involved.

Think about how triangles might be functioning between whole departments or staffs. Consider what steps you could take to improve one of the triangles your department or team is part of.

Practices to Take Home

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Thank YouYour feedback on this training is important as

we seek to improve it for others.

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