Two and a Half Weeks Page 1 Ben Braddock Aug 2015

Two and a Half Weeks Page 2 Ben Braddock Aug 2015

Two and a Half Weeks

Deaths not necessarily a bad thing, and along the way it has some perks. Like the lead-up to it.

The time between decision and fate, Ill call the getting ready stage. Mine was two-and-a-half weeks. There are some

pretty cool and somewhat magical things that can happen in this period of time.

For instance, I got to experience what it must feel like to be rich. Buying, paying, and ordering whatever I liked, with

ambivalence to cost. Ill have the lobster. Extra cheese, please. Supersize me. Because, in the end, no one else is

liable for your non-cosigned debts (credit cards) except you.

This leads to things like extra gardening equipment from Lowes, unlimited gummy bears and Thin Mints, and paying

full-price for meat. Ive never in my life bought so many non-sale items. This certainly is what it must feel like to be rich.

Interestingly, has a reverse effect on apparel. I went to Kohls and didnt buy and damn thing. You know youre never

going to get the chance to wear that purple, velvet, Van Heusen sport coat, so you dont buy it. The smoking jacket?

Maybe.

You get to eat whatever you want, too. Every day is a cheat day.

Cant decide between Italian and Indian? Order them both--chicken masala and cannoli. And eat as much as you want.

Yes, it is as freeing as it sounds.

Another interesting shift that happens in this state, is the loss of angst. At this point, you can write and say whatever you

want to whomever you want. Think about it--thats pretty powerful.

You just Gmail up your tirade and schedule it to deliver on a future date. I hate your ass-face, Ted! Then to really freak

him out, line up, I mean it, jackass!, to appear in his inbox 10 days later.

But you know what happens in the getting ready stage? The anger dissipates, and you no longer care. The burden is

somehow lifted.

Make no mistake, the getting ready stage its not all fun and games. Theres stuff to do. Like acknowledging friends and

family.

For the most part, people are okay with not being explicitly mentioned in an acknowledgement letter. My cousin Lisa,

for example, can take it in stride and say, Oh, I miss that little nigga. Everyone tip a forty to that fool. There are some,

however, who would take it quite personally. These people will freak the eff out.

All this can be avoided by identifying them in advance. They all have similar characteristics. First, these folks like to leave

a lot of voicemails. And just after you send a text, they call you. You know who you are.

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Was there anyone you accidentally left off the Slip & Slide and Ribs Party Facebook invite who called you and pointed

out the oversight? Then refused to attend until he or she was added to the invitation? Thats the one you absolutely

need to mention in your acknowledgement letter. Thanks for attending my ribs party, Janet. Sorry we ran out so fast.

In a worst case scenario, list only first names and let the Mikes and Jennifers sort it out.

Speaking of names, theres no further need to try and remember them. You know that awkward moment, when being

introduced to new people, you desperately try not to forget their names? You can now blatantly disavow any accuracy.

Sally: Come over here, Id like you to meet Tom and Sue.

You: Good to meet you Larry and Betsy.

Something to consider is developing a set of FAQs. A lot of folks are going to have the same questions, and some will

keep asking them over and over again.

Heres my set of FAQs:

Q: So whats the deal? What happened?

A: I had boarderline personality disorder and massive depression my whole life. Thats why I remained single

my, if you Mormons were wondering.

Q: Were you pissed at me?

A: This has two possible answers. A) No, I dont even remember why we were arguing in the first place. B) Were

just Facebook friends, I dont even know you.

Q: Was it the Mormon Church?

A: Joining the Mormon Church was a massively influential part of my later years. I grew so much from striving to

become a better and better person. I and met some incredibly loving people--even the Republican ones.

Q: Any regrets?

A: Tons. Among other things, buying all that Oakland As gear last year was a total waste.

Q: I still owe you money. What should I do with it?

A: Pay the next guys toll. Buy someone elses lunch. Write a big check for those little buggers at the Irvine

Animal Shelter. I used to volunteer at that place.

Q: Can I have your dog?

A: Get in line. And only if you promise to keep her ears clean. And remember, shes on a gluten-free dietshes

allergic.

Q: Whats going to happen to all your shoes?

A: Some guy with size 11 feet just won the footgear lottery.

Q: You have a lot of ties. Can I have some?

A: Absolutely, but know your seasonal power colors before you go poking around in there. Theres a quiz in last

months Seventeen Magazine if youre confused about it.

Q: What about your socks?

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A: No, thats gross.

Q: Was Forever Young really one of your top 25 favorite songs?

A: Dont hate. Its also hugely popular in Vietnam where its the signature song for channel Yan TV, whose slogan

is 'Forever Yan.' Wikipedia it.

Q: If ScarJo wanted you to marry her, would you have stuck around?

A: No. Theres no way our schedules would have worked out.

Q: Can I have your cat?

A: Youll have to ask my roommate and be capable of lifting 17 pounds.

Q: Why would anyone Rock Out to unnecessarily loud Christopher Cross?

A: It only happened once. Album of the Year 1980, baby!

I almost forgot, you get to drive as fast as you like during this special time. Your vehicular world is now an autobahn;

your right foot impervious to flashing lights and sirens. Court date is on the 3rd? Yeah, Ill see you there, officer.

You need to be methodical in your planning. Ive assembled a working to do list of things to complete in the getting

ready stage:

1. Amazon tons of dog food.

2. Erase nude vacation pics from hard drive.

3. Get your car the best detail its ever had. Tip the guy $100.

4. Pee on angry neighbors flowerbed.

5. Take out trash without being asked.

6. Confess you did, in fact, steal your buddys Rush CD, only to sell it on eBay when you learned it sucked.

7. Take dog to doggie day spa. Splurge on the premium conditioner.

8. Replace all your plants with succulents so the next in charge cant kill them.

9. Reset sprinklers to soak the plants twice a day. Who cares? Youre not paying the bill.

10. Pet animals as much as possible, but not so much that they grow suspicious.

11. Eat all the canned food no one else will (e.g., collard greens and seasoned cabbage).

12. Dont become a glutton. Make your bed and keep your home clean.

13. Inform the post office your forwarding address is TBD.

14. Stop hoping theyll turn up, and throw away every sock thats lost its partner.

15. Update your voicemail with: We keep missing each other! That sucks. I promise Im not trying to avoid you.

Leave letters for your pets. This can be a total oversight. But its critical to have thought through what someone should

say when they start asking questions.

When the questions start up, have the letter placed by the water bowl for a week so the animals can stare at it.

Make a list of things you want to accomplish and get answers to in Heaven. Then leave a copy so your friends and family

will know youre keeping busy up there. Heres mine:

1. Find out what really happened to my pet snake.

2. God, whats the deal with UFOs?

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3. Discover where all the Chapstick really goes.

4. Determine whether walking on sunshine does, in fact, feel good.

5. Unearth whether the Bermuda Triangle is nothing more than a Barry Manilow song.

Something strange happens when you know youre attending earthly church for the last time. Its as if you and God are

carrying a secret no one else knows about. Theres an instant, deeper connection in that particular service. I found I paid

attention far more diligently than before.

I swear I smelled a hint of nosegay, but am unsure if it wasnt just fragrance from the girl seated in front of me.

Doing my last hot yoga class was weird, and may be for you. The good news is most of these yoga folks are grounded,

kind, and heaven-bound. So youll see them again. I confess my last thought on the mat was, Glad I wont be doing that

sh*t anymore.

Sorry Sumits ladies. You know I love each of you, and Ive finally mastered shavasana.

Other experiences and opportunities that come with the getting ready stage:

No rushing to RedBox before 9 pm.

Feel free to overcommit.

You can stop writing stuff down.

Its a great opportunity to craft a strongly worded letter to your landlord or HOA.

Flirt fearlessly you no longer have any expectations.

Leave the water running as you brush your teeth.

Lots of people believe in reincarnation. But it comes with a caveat: if you dont overcome the spiritual challenge which

you were given, it will follow you and resurface in your next incarnation. You must identify, struggle with, battle, then

conquer your deepest spiritual adversary.

But what if the ultimate challenge bestowed upon you was to become courageous enough to choose joy? And in

determining your final exityouve done just that?

I think that constitutes victory, and graduates you to what might be an easier, more peaceful reincarnated soul.

I hope it entitles me to have some say in my next iterative assignment. Im willing to be any sort of domesticated animal

whose job it is to get pet, watch others work, and sleep.

I believe what Ive shared is likely a collection of thoughts many others had in the exact same situation. Its justno one

had the bravado to write them down.

Choose powerfully. And if you can, go out on top.

I truly love you all.

Ben