1 Myself and other girls that were adopted from china as the same time as me at a reunion

Trying to Belong as a Transnational AdopteeAn analysis of root trips and their outcomes

Keywords: Transnational Adoption; Root Trips; Sense of Belonging

By Elaine Abrams

Capstone Spring 2019

California State University Monterey Bay

Professor Dr. Angie Tran

Abrams 2

Introduction

Abandoned on the side of the road in Sichuan, China days after I was born.1 My fate

should have been sealed then, a life of misery or even death. However, I was adopted at just four

months old, by a single, white, American woman in 1997. On more than one occasion, I have

been told to bless the stars and thank the heavens for being saved and being able to grow up in

the greatest country on Earth. I agree that I was extremely lucky to grow up in California and

have the luxuries I do, compared to if I had grown up in an orphanage in China. However, I still

do not feel a sense of belonging here. This question loomed over me for years because I receive

looks in American society and Chinese society, isolating myself in a limbo of belonging

nowhere. I have always wondered what it would be like to go back to China now and see what

my life there could have been like, or if I would find some life-changing facts about my past.

Somehow dreaming of a solution to the troubles I face in my head yet, with my absent

background it is seemingly impossible. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a

pipe dream, something I could never reach.

This research aims to analyze the recent phenomenon of returning to ones’ birth nation,

as a transnational2 adoptee, and classify it as a viable option or not. I use throughout my paper

the concept of root trips3 to classify these return trips for transnational adoptees. Adoption, in this

context, can be defined as the placement of children in new families that is not their biological

family.4 It is the act of potential parents, that meet certain parameters depending on each place of

1 I was abandoned a day after I was born. This is based off the process of adoption that my adoptive mother partook in to finally have me. There is no paperwork regarding my birth family or my real origins. There is no evidence of my actual abandonment site either. 2 Transnational can be defined as belonging to more than one nation as a person born in one nation, but a citizen and living in a different nation.3 Yngvesson, Barbara. "Going "Home": Adoption, Loss of Bearings, and the Mythology of Roots." Social Text. Vol. 21, no. 1 (2003): 7-27. 4 United Nations. Department of Economic and Social Affairs. Population Division. Child Adoption: Trends and Policies. New York: United Nations, 2009.

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adoption, choosing to legally take in someone else’s child as their own. Transnational adoption is

the same practice, but across borders, nations, and cultures.5 Whether adoption is in the best

interest for the child due to the implications of familial ties is still under debate.6 The

implications include familial ties to one’s birth parents and whether those ties are key to a child’s

development and interest. The United Nations explains that domestic adoption accounts for at

least half of the adoptions worldwide, but it does not dismiss transnational adoption as a whole,

because while domestic adoption is declining, transnational adoption is still slightly increasing.

However, the international adoptions in the United States have significantly decreased since the

early 2000s, which is due to stricter adoption requirements in both the United States and in the

foreign nations,7 and the diplomatic relations from the United States have barred transnational

adoptions with certain nations.8 Nevertheless, this is not just one nation’s problem because

babies and children are being adopted from all around the world: from Africa all the way to

Asia9.

5 Also known as ‘Intercounty adoption.’6 Ibid.7 Regulations such as heterosexual couples only. Whereas before single potential parents and homosexual couples could adopt8 U.S. Department of State. Travel State Gov. Bureau of Consular Affairs. Adoption Statistics. United States of America. U.S. Department of State. 2018.9 see figures 2.1, 2.2, and 3.1.

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Figure 2.1: The U.S. State Department. Adoptions from 1999-2017

The darker shade of orange corroborates with the amount of adoptions per nation to the

United States. Russia and China are the darkest shades of orange which shows they provide the

most children.10

Figure 2.2: The U.S. State Department. Adoptions from all countries in the United States

10 Source: The United States State Department U.S. Department of State. Travel State Gov. Bureau of Consular

Affairs. Adoption Statistics. United States of America. U.S. Department of State. 2018.

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Figure 1.2 expands the information of Figure 1.1, showing the total amount of adoptions through

the U.S. separated by gender and age. We can see more females under two years of age have

been adopted collectively throughout the years 1999-2017.11

Figure 3.1: The United Nations 2010

11 Source: The United States State Department. U.S. Department of State. Travel State Gov. Bureau of Consular Affairs. Adoption Statistics. United States of America. U.S. Department of State. 2018.

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In this figure, we can see a linear description of the figures above, which shows in greater

detail of four nations: China, Republic of Korea, Guatemala, and Russian Federation. The thin

black line shows that China has steadily increased as the main provider of children to the United

States.12

Transnational adoptees have familial ties to two families, their adopted family and their

birth family, and two nations, the birth nation and the adoptive nation, with two different

cultures. In this research, I will be analyzing transnational adoptees from predominately Asian

nations that have been adopted into white families. This is because China, Korea, and Vietnam

have been and are top senders of babies to the United States13 and the stark differences are both

12 Source: The United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs. Population Division. Child Adoption: Trends and Policies. New York: United Nations, 2009. Which used the graph from the United States, Bureau of Consular Affairs. 2006. 13 U.S. Department of State. Travel State Gov. Bureau of Consular Affairs. Annual Report on Intercountry Adoption. United States of America. 2018. See figures 2.1, 2.2, and 3.1. While Russia has also been a leading sender to the United States, the study will focus mainly on Asia.

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physical14 and cultural.15The curiosity of the distant, yet incredibly and eerily close people from

the past, looms in the back of the head and heart from the moment they know they are adopted.

The pathways to find answers are limited for a transnational adoptee due to the lack of

information and accessibility16, which usually lead to immerse oneself in their birth culture,

researching, and ultimately, wanting to return to the place one was abandoned. These return trips,

or root trips as I will be referring to from here on, 17 are completed in hope of finding where one

belongs as a transnational adoptee, but I wonder if that is the case. What do root trips solve, a

sense of belonging? An identity unknown before? Nothing but false hope and disappointment?

To what extent do return trips to their birth nation, for transnational adoptees, cause more

harm than solutions and lack of answers for identity?

Root trips do not solve the answers that transnational adoptees hope for, and instead

exacerbates the problem, suggesting the complexities of identity and belonging within the

framework presented.

Literature Review

The Power of Narratives

Most families begin with an origin story of the mother’s labor and physical birth of a

child coming into this world. Transnational adoptees however, lack such origins which

emphasizes the importance of story-telling for them. Origin stories consummated a family as

14 Such as skin color, eye shape, face structure, language barriers, sound of voice, and/or other anatomical difference that physically makes the transnational adoptee appear different from their adoptive family.15 The history and tradition behind the birth nation.16 Records regarding the transnational adoptees are usually lost, destroyed (from fires or floods), or were not taken properly. Another common reason for lack of paperwork is the extreme influx of abandoned babies in these nations, that they cannot keep track of all of them. Homans, Margaret. "Adoption Narratives, Trauma, and Origins." Narrative. Vol. 14, no. 1 (2006): 4-26. And “Somewhere Between.” Linda Goldstein Knowlton. United States of America. 2011.)17 Sometimes called heritage tours as well.

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whole and as real. Transnational adoptees and their adoptive families have the pressure of

validating their family due to the lack of origin story.18 Thus, the power of story-telling and

narratives are a key feature in creating these transnational adoptees to legitimize the families.

The dependence on these narratives is prevalent for the parents when they physically travel to

receive their baby from another nation, or at an airport to greet the child up, because the

beginning starts here.19 Instead of stories of abandonment or the lack of physical birth, the

process of adoption is a new narrative that is glued around the family. This creates a foundation

for the child and the family itself, to give the idea to “help to assure that members of adoptive

families feel that they belong together.20” Even though most of the transnational adoptees are

adopted before they are even one year old21 where they cannot remember anything, the

importance of origins is not forgotten. Origin stories are asked for, talked about, and replayed for

years to come. That is why adoptive parents focus on this alternative narrative of the journey that

brought the child home to start a new life to create a sense of belonging from the day the child is

brought home.22

Another narrative that is focused on, is the identity of the child, and whether they are

American or still part of their birth nation. Adoptive parents often struggle with this conundrum

as they decide how to raise their child. Thus, the construction of the child’s identity is in the 18 Volkman, Toby Alice. "Embodying Chinese Culture: Transnational Adoption in North America." Social Text. Vol. 21, no. 1 (2003): 29-55. And Sawin, Patricia. "Every Kid is Where They're Supposed to be, and it's a Miracle": Family Formation Stories among Adoptive Families." Journal of American Folklore. Vol. 130, no. 518 (2017): 394-418. And González, Macarena García and Elisabeth Wesseling. "The Stories We Adopt By: Tracing “The Red Thread” in Contemporary Adoption Narratives." The Lion and the Unicorn. Vol. 37, no. 3 (2013): 257-276..19 Högbacka, Riitta. “The Quest for a Child of One's Own: Parents, Markets and Transnational Adoption.” Journal of Comparative Family Studies. Vol. 39, No. 3. (2008): 311-330. And Dorow, Sara. "Adoption as Political History." Reviews in American History. Vol. 41, no. 1 (2013): 169-173.20 Swain. Every Kid. 2017 pg 395. And Patton-Imani, Sandra. “Orphan Sunday: Narratives of Salvation in Transnational Adoption.” Wiley Periodicals and Dialog, Inc. Dialog: A Journal of Theology • Vol. 51, no. 4 (2012). 21 U.S. Department of State. Annual Report. 2018. See Figure 2.2.22 Adoptive parents try to create a home for the child, and it feels like the story of adoption is what holds the family together at first. With no prior memories nor familial bonding that hold ‘normal’ families together. There is no history with an adoptive family until the adoption, thus the centrality around the narrative keeps the adoptive family together.

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hands of a parent and for transnational adoptees, they can either have a ‘clean-break23’ with their

new adoptive nation, or a dual nationality to the parent’s discretion. The notion of a national

identity in either culture is rooted in the idea that you can only have one nation that is central to

your identity and that is where you belong. However, transnational adoptees biologically have

their birth nation but also their new national identity in their adopted nation. Adoptive parents try

to compensate the loss of physically being in the birth nation through socially constructing a

transnational identity.24 What this entails is an immersion of the birth culture in their daily lives,

whether it is going to visit families of the same background, language lessons of their birth

language, or even wearing cultural clothes of that birth country.25 However, these sentiments are

sometimes lost in their effort. An example of this is “culture without any history behind it,26” like

panda print for Chinese adoptees, or local Asian restaurants to try to immerse the child.

Sometimes, a transnational adoptee constructs multiple identities to fit into two different groups

of friends27. Leaving the transnational adoptees lost within different cultures, thus, they continue

to be on the outside, constantly trying to belong.

Belonging in Two Worlds

23 Yngvesson. Going ‘home.’ 2003. A clean-break often suggests ignoring the other nation and ultimately, themselves. Each nation is not part of who they are, they cannot ignore one like it does not exist without ignoring part of themselves as well.24 Chen, Fu-jen. "Picture Books on Asian Transnational/-Racial Adoption." Canadian Review of American Studies. Vol. 43, no. 1 (2013): 90-124. And Louie, Andrea. "“Pandas, Lions, and Dragons, oh my!”: How White Adoptive Parents Construct Chineseness." Journal of Asian American Studies, Vol. 12, no. 3 (2009): 285-320. And Jerng, Mark C. “Claiming Others: Transracial Adoption and National Belonging.” Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press. (2010). And Patton. Orphan Sunday. 2012. And Richards, Sarah. “‘What the Map Cuts up the Story Cuts across’: Narratives of Belonging in Intercountry Adoption.” Adoption & Fostering 36, no. 3–4 (2012): 104–11.25 Louie. Pandas, Lions. 2009. And Patton. Orphan Sunday. 2012. And Ponte, Iris Chin, Leslie Kim Wang & Serena Pen-Shian Fan. Returning to China: The Experience of Adopted Chinese Children and Their Parents. Adoption Quarterly 13:2. (2010): 100-124.26 Louie. Pandas, Lions. 2009.27 Ibid. 2009. In this example, the adopted girl has her Chinese friends from her Chinese lessons, and her white friends from school. Her mother accounts two different personalities to blend into her surroundings.

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Transnational adoptees have the unique characteristic of being people of two worlds and

finding where the belong is a continuous struggle. Specifically, once adopted, the adoptee is

rooted in their birth nation while also being part of the adopted culture. However, it is difficult to

figure out where one belongs between the two. The concept of belonging is complex and

stretched between different discourses, but for the sake of this research, transnational adoptees

search for someone who ‘looks like me28’ where they will not feel like an outsider. While it

would be easy to classify the adoptee as both nationalities and leave it at that, outside forces tend

to influence the sense of belonging.29 The most obvious factor is the difference in appearance

specifically for transnational adoptees. The physical differences are noticeable throughout the

childhood but become more apparent growing up.30 Thus, leading to different forms of racism,

rejection, or discrimination.31 Transnational adoptees face the biggest feat of being labeled as the

‘other’ in both nations and being questioned if their situation is normal or real.32 The feeling of

rejection in the adoptive nation may lead one to try to find a sense of belonging in the birth

nation, but the same emotions are intertwined and projected in the birth nation or culture as

well.33 Alienation and the emptiness they feel is apparent in both cultures, leaving the

transnational adoptee alone and isolated.

Finding Answers

28 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003.29 Louie. Pandas, Lions. 2009. And Volkman. Embodying Chinese Culture. 2003. And Swain. Every kid. 2017. And Wills, Jenny Heijun. "Paradoxical Essentialism: Reading Race and Origins in Jane Jeong Trenka’s Asian Adoption Memoirs." Canadian Review of American Studies. Vol. 46, no. 2 (2016): 202-222. 30 Cherot, Natalie. “Transnational Adoptees: Global Biopolitical Orphans or an Activist Community?” Culture Machine. Vol. 8. (2006).. And Patton. Orphan Sunday. 2012. And Ponte. Returning to China. 2010.31 Louie. Pandas, Lions. 2009. And Swain. Every Kid. 2017.32 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003. And Volkman. Embodying Chinese. 2003. And Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016. And Swain. Every Kid. 2017.33 Volkman. Embodying Chinese. 2003. And Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016.

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The desire to belong, yet not belonging in the adopted world, leads transnational adoptees

to seek out answers and a place to belong. Ultimately, the desire to go visit the birth nation, the

place that once rejected them, through root trips is connected to the hope to find oneself, an

identity, and a sense of belonging.34 As mentioned earlier, origins are fundamental in discourse

of children and their births, but they also carve a path towards the ancestries of oneself that help

one understand their identity,35 something of which transnational adoptees are lacking. The

desire to figure out where they came from and who they are is central to many transnational

adoptees.36 A sense of belonging becomes crucial to the identity of transnational adoptees. It

seems that even with the happiness and love the adoptive family provides, there is a pull-back to

the birth nation or birth parent.37 This idea that something is waiting for them at their birth

country makes origins seem tangible.38 Thus, the root trip gives an opportunity for transnational

adoptees to seek these physical answers and connections. The search for connection to find

someone that looks ‘like me’ is accelerated for transnational adoptees in the sense that they

cannot find this connection in the adoptive nation. Whether transnational adoptees find answers,

physical connections, or a sense of belonging is the basis of my research.

Theoretical Framework

Arjun Appadurai creates a place of belonging using Anderson Benedict’s ‘imagined

worlds’ to create the concept of ethnoscapes39. Imagined worlds is a concept that is defined

34 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003. And Cheng, Emily. "The Vietnamese American “Model Orphan” in Aimee Phan’s “We Should Never Meet." Mosaic: An Interdisciplinary Critical Journal. Vol 49, no. 3 (2016): 109-125. And Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016. And Swain. Every Kid. 2017.35 A common motivational saying I always heard growing up was “remember where you came from,” like it was a central part of who I was and where I was going. However, I do not know where I came from.36 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003. And Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016.37 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003.38 Ibid. And Volkman. Embodying Chinese. 2003. And Meyers, Kit W. "‘Real’ Families." Critical Discourse Studies. Vol. 11, no. 2 (2014): 175-193. Communication & Mass Media Complete39 Appadurai, Arjun. “Disjuncture and Difference in the Global Cultural Economy.” Theory Culture Society. Vol. 7, (1990): 295-310.

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through nations, its borders, and the emergence of a national identity. Whereas Appadurai

expands this to a metaphysical meaning to include moving peoples across borders and nations

who do not belong in a physical nation or place. In this ‘imagined world’, Appadurai develops it

to speak of identity for people that “constitute the shifting world in which we live: tourists,

immigrants, refugees, exiles, guestworkers and other moving groups…40” and transnational

adoptees. Ethnoscapes is a term that is related to populations rather than physical places to

construct an identity past national identity. Together in this imagined world they are not alone,

connecting them through their experiences as people that do not belong in these multiple nations.

This is important for transnational adoptees because the search to belong is crucial in the root

trips they embark on. However, I argue that this is not enough to solve the sense of belonging

that transnational adoptees are looking for. I question if there is something larger than

ethnoscapes that can be applicable. Transnational adoptees do not feel they belong in their

adopted nation nor their home nation, yet the desire to belong in either one is not solved through

these ethnoscapes. This is due to the lack of physical belonging that the transnational adoptees

crave in societal norms of roots and national identity. Ethnoscapes is a temporary solution for

these deep-rooted identity problems that transnational adoptees face.41 We can further

ethnoscapes and turn to Homi Bhabha to explain the phenomenon of transnational adoptees. In a

simplified version of national belonging according to Bhabha, “we come to articulate our

national belonging at particular moments when we are prompted to do so by the circumstances

we find ourselves in.42” However, for transnational adoptees the circumstances are hardly

presented in a way where they feel a sense of belonging. To counter this national belonging,

40 Ibid. pg 297.41 When my adoptive mom adopted me, she went with a group of other parents that were adopting form China at the same time. These girls soon became my cousins and for a few years, we met up at least once a year as a reunion of cousins. While we all harbored the same sentiments and feelings of belonging together, it did not ease the uneasiness of not physically belonging in the constructed borders of national identity. 42 Global Politics (p. 252). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.

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Bhabha defines the concept of hybridity as “new cultural forms taking shape as a result of

interaction and flow of different cultures.43” Transnational adoptees are hybrids of two cultures44

and yet this does not satisfy the underlying feelings of not belonging. Hybridity helps explain the

complexities of multiple cultures through identity and challenges the systematic foundations of

national hierarchies, of which I want to show as well. However, the underlying problem for

transnational adoptees is a physical feeling of belonging. The existence of transnational adoptees

proves the concept of hybridity as functional and applicable, but hybridity does not answer the

problem they want to find through these root trips. Hybridity and ethnoscapes give transnational

adoptees validity as transnational and transcultural beings, yet something is still missing.

Identities are not fixed, they are fluid and ever changing, thus a need for something beyond these

concepts.

Using Barbra Yngvesson’s notion of the mythology of roots,45 I uncover and elaborate

the innerworkings of what roots are and the importance of them. In this context, ‘myth’ means a

false belief preconceived through traditions and history. This entails the necessity of the roots in

daily life and in their basic identity. This concept of roots is central to the conversation of

belonging, that the family relates to these roots. Roots are, in this context, the basis of someone

that are deeply intertwined in one as the basis of their identity. The idea that heritage and familial

history is important has been adopted through these deep-rooted cultures, where lineage has been

central to most families around the world.46 Yngvesson does not explicitly explain the mythology

of roots, but instead argues that the structure of transnational adoption is not enough to

43 Ibid.44 Their birth nation and the adoptive nation45Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 200346 Through traditions and history, we can see the societal norms of wanting to be connected to these roots and how they become part of one’s identity. In contemporary society, we see new forms of trying to find these answers through ‘ancestry.com’ and ’23 and me.’ Both of which track one’s genealogy and familial history.

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encapsulate the families it helped form. “This space has revealed a kind of chaos, shaking up

(and opening up) families, persons, and nations in the world that created international adoption

and that international adoption helped to create47.” The space of transnational adoptions creates

‘chaos,’ which refers to the root trips and the results of them, whether they are good or bad. The

chaos will ultimately change the systematic beliefs about roots, thus the ‘mythology of roots.’

The chaos ensues because the transnational adoptee is not motherless as it is sometimes believed

to be48 which symbolizes what has always been known: there is a life that was supposed to be

theirs, that is not and coming to terms with that is what shakes the foundation of transnational

adoptees. For transnational adoptees, their heritage and lineage begins and ends with their only

their existence.49 A large mystery exists of who they and who they come from, leaving the only

fact of the birth nation that they were adopted from. Yngvesson unwraps this idea with the notion

that roots are not as important as we, society, deems it to be. I apply the mythology of roots in

my research to implicate the process of returning to the birth nation of a transnational adoptee.

Methodology

Throughout my paper, I actively use the explanatory sequential mixed methods design to

help organize and explain my research question. I use this method because the quantitative data

shown for the occurrence of transnational adoption is exponential. Many cases exist with just the

fact that a child was adopted from a different nation. However, there is less information on the

crisis of identity one suffers being part of two nations while not belonging in either in the context

of transnational adoptees. The common practice has been to try to connect with one’s birth

nation and return there, i.e. root trips. The data after the trip is less clear because not as many 47 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003.: pg 24.48 Yngvesson. ‘Going Home.’ 2003.49 Transnational adoptees only have their body for answers to heritage and roots. When I go to the doctor’s office, I always am asked “Do you have any family history of ____” and I never have an answer because I only have myself as the beginning and end of my family history.

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qualitative data explicitly states these trips cause more harm than solve problems. I will use the

qualitative data on transnational adoptees and their experiences of belonging, or lack thereof, to

help explain the quantitative data I began with.

The quantitative data includes the statistics from the United States State Department,

intercounty adoptee voices and the travel state department to analyze the past few years of

transnational adoptions, or intercounty adoptions as they call it. The data helps to explain my

case studies because it is important to know how many transnational adoptions happen within the

past few years to make this research relevant and global. This is because it is not an uncommon

anomaly. This is a common practice, which is important because it shows that there are a lot of

transnational adoptees in the United States. In the case studies, the transnational adoptees, and

usually their adoptive parents, return to the birth nation in search of something. The data shows

that the adoptions from their birth countries are common in the United States. They return to the

birth nation because of the questions they have about themselves, their identity and their birth

nation. Data reveals that Korean’s are serious about their Confucian identity and the importance

of bloodline,50 which can be reflected over to other Asian nations who also believe in

Confucianism. This is important to my research question because it shows that even in the birth

country, the roots that bind each person are prevalent.

The qualitative data I will be using is a consolidation of everything I have found so far:

narratives embedded within the literature, excerpts, quotes, stories, and secondhand experiences.

The literature surrounding the theme of root trips and belonging from transnational adoptees

themselves, seems to be lacking. The details of these root trips are shown through the eyes of the

adoptive parents or through children too young to comprehend the complexities of identity and

50 Jaymekyopo. “South Korean Adoptions: An Economic Analysis.” Intercounty Adoptee Voices (ICAV). 2019. And Patton. Orphan Sunday. 2012.

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belonging. Thus, many researchers have complied qualitative date through interviews and other

forms of information gathering, of which I will be using throughout my findings. After hours of

researching and searching for biographies, case studies, or scientific experiments, I have

concluded the limited amount of qualitative data regarding this phenomenon.

Findings

The findings for this research paper reiterate and coincide with the research stated in the

literature review. What has been found is through many case studies of excerpts and interviews

of transnational adoptees. The case studies regarding the phenomenon of returning to the

transnational adoptees’ birth nation are rooted in their respective adoptive parent biographies.

The lack of research for transnational adoptees through the perspective of transnational adoptees

is prevalent in my pursuit of case studies and examples. Whether the lack of firsthand

perspective is because of the disappointment from the root trips themselves or some other

unknown cause, I am uncertain. Thus, I have gathered these findings from multiple case studies

from my literature review and categorized them into three themes: real and unreal families,

where do I belong? Here or there? And going nowhere.

Real and Unreal Families

The structure of a family and the qualifications of what is considered is a family should be

based on the amount of love that is involved. However, for transnational adoptees, the basis of

family must be reconstructed and proven repeatedly because of their national differences. This

includes physical differences that transnational adoptees recognize from an early age.51 Outsiders

of the family are the first to notice and point out these differences of transnational adoptees and

their respective adoptive parents that question the realness of the family because of the 51 Ponte. Returning to China. 2010. And Richards. What the map. 2012.

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differences in the appearances. The differentiation between races influences the thoughts and

discourse surrounding the notion of a real family.52 What is considered real and unreal is based

on the societal and national beliefs of what a family should look like: similar. Whereas the

differences that the Asian transnational adoptees see, physically, are heightened because of this.

The stark differences are sometimes the only thing they can see, which are heightened when the

outside world looks at them different compared to their family. In the documentary Somewhere

Between53, four Chinese adoptees document their lives, their struggles, and journeys as a Chinese

American. Three out of four girls live in a predominately white neighborhoods where they are

the only Chinese person. The realities of physical differences were apparent early on for them.

What is considered unreal is constituted by what others see because of the racial importance to

these transnational adoptees.54 This sense of national belonging is defined by these racial

qualities that constitute a real family in the eyes of the transnational adoptee.55 Roots trips are a

potential solution to try to find someone, anyone, that looks like them, to find a sense of identity

or belonging.

Where do I belong? Here or There?

I suppose it is natural to try something new when the old does not work anymore. The

truth can be said for here56 after society has rejected the transnational adoptee as real. I see this

trend that the feeling of being an unreal family, transfer to the feelings of not belonging in this

white family, as a Chinese adoptee, physically and nationally different. The normative practices

52 Meyers, Kit W. "‘Real’ Families." Critical Discourse Studies. Vol. 11, no. 2 (2014): 175-193. Communication & Mass Media Complete53 “Somewhere Between.” Linda Goldstein Knowlton. United States of America. 2011.54 As a child, all I knew about what a family is, is through physical appearances and bloodlines. I believed I was my adoptive mother’s real child because our hair color was the same. 55 While it is noted that this research surrounds the physical differences of transnational adoptees in the setting of their adoptive nation and family, not enough research has been done on my part to know if adoptees of the same color experience the same internal struggles. 56 Here as in the adoptive nation.

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of a family correlate with the stigmatization of transnational adoptees as being outcasts of

society. Despite the transnational adoptions increasing steadily for decades since the ends of the

Vietnam War and Korean War respectively, the stigmatization of transnational adoptees in white

families in the United States has remained fairly static. The idea that they are not their real blood

follows them in their heart, even if they know the love behind each word and action. Yet,

something pulls us back to their birth nation.57 “I don’t remember my birthparents, but I will

always remember the feeling of being alone.58” This pain is reflected in daily life in the sense

that something is missing and that maybe something is out there waiting for us, or there will be

an answer that will change everything, or our birth parents will want us back.59 The narratives

that help shape the identities of transnational adoptees, also create a space for wanting to return.60

This desire can be explained as a missing piece of the narrative or of themselves.61

Going Home to Nowhere

The reality of these root trips is that they are not what you expected. Root trips cause

more problems, such as disappointment from not finding anything, and are consequential for the

transnational adoptees. Rather than finding answers and a sense of belonging, transnational

adoptees experience pain and dissonance from the birth nation as well as the adopted nation.62 It

is noted, that this is not the case for everyone who embarks, it is a general statement that it is not

what they first expect. While on these root trips, it is expected that something borderline of a

miracle will occur and a missing link will snap back into place. Something tangible, that will

answer questions of identity and belonging, however that is rarely the case and root trips leave 57 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003.58 Chen. Picture books. 2013.: pg 9959 Volkman. Embodying Chinese. 2003. Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003. And Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016.60 Gonzalez. The Stories. 2013. And Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016.61 Gonzalez. The Stories. 2013.62 Yngvesson. Going ‘Home.’ 2003. And Jerng. Claiming Others. 2010.

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these expectations behind.63 In most cases, the harsh realities of their birth country, as something

not out of a fairy tale, and something along the line of different levels of poverty. This does not

mean to say that poverty separates the transnational adoptee and the people of shared ethnicity,

but it creates this sentiment of “that could have been me64” and creates a wider gap of being able

to belong. The idea that going back to the birth nation will solve the lack of belonging is met

with disappointment and “heartbreak.65” This is usually because what is there, can never be what

was supposed to be.66 Many questions arise surrounding the birth nation once there, many ‘what

ifs,’ as if it is possible to know. The search to find real connections with the birth nation is as

disappointing as the lack of connections in the adoptive nation.67 The disappointment arises from

the lack of answers and the continuous feeling of not belonging that was supposed to be solved

through these root trips. The idea that the life they have is not, cannot, and will not ever be part

of them can be overwhelming or underwhelming, yet the idea remains that they want to belong.

Analysis

I am not trying to say the families that have opened their homes, their hearts, to adopt

transnationally are not providing a loving, supportive place for the transnational adoptees. I am

not trying to place blame on the birth nation, birth parents, adoptive nation, adoptive parents, nor

the transnational adoptees. I am saying that an indescribable phenomenon is happening within

transnational adoptees that relates to a sense of belonging and identity. A phenomenon that is

trying to be solved by participating in roots trips to find some kind of answer that does not have a

63Volkman. Embodying Chinese. 2003. Yngvesson. ‘Going Home.’ 2003. Homans. Adoption Narratives, Trauma. 2006. Chen. Picture books. 2013. Cheng. The Vietnamese American. 2016. Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016.64 Gubernick, Lisa. "Adoptees Search for their Roots – Heritage Tours Let Kids See Birthplaces, Birth Families; `That could have been Me'." Wall Street Journal. 2002.65 Wills. Paradoxical Essentialism. 2016.66 Ibid. and Swain. Every Kid. 2017.67 Volkman. Embodying Chinese. 2003.

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clear question to begin with. However, I am also suggesting these root trips usually tend to fall

short of these unknown expectations.

The outcome of these root trips is usually disappointing, but why? The reason for

embarking on these root trips is to solve the problem of not belonging in either the adoptive

nation nor the birth nation. However, these problems originate before the root trip, and is not

something that the root trip can solve. I believe there is a systematic problem of how we view

outsiders of a nation. The transnational adoptee does not belong in the birth nation nor the

adoptive nation, thus leaving them in between68 yet not wanting to give up either. Those who are

of multiple cultures can turn to ethnoscapes and hybridity to find solace with one another and

that sense of ‘someone like me.69’ However, through this research, I believe that these

approaches are not enough because both models lack the feelings that transnational adoptees feel.

I propose that ethnoscapes and hybridity creates a space to label people such as transnational

adoptees as real, yet it does not create a physical space of belonging for the transnational

adoptees. Transnational adoptees still do not belong in the two places they want to.70 However,

the chaos of root trips creates a space for systematic change to the discourse of roots. The

mythology of roots posed by Yngvesson generates thought about this change due to the

outcomes of the root trips. Yet, we should generate this thought before the need to embark on

these root trips, so the disappointment can be avoided.

Conclusion

Even though I am told I was saved, my mother says I saved her. Adoption is never just

about the child nor the parent. Parents create and mold the atmosphere and narratives for the 68 See Homi Bhabha for theory on third space for more information 69 Appadurai. Disjuncture and Difference. 1990. Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.: (253). Yngvesson. Going “Home.” 2003. And Gubernick. Adoptees Search. 2002.70 Their adoptive nation nor their birth nation.

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transnational adoptee while they grow up, playing a key role in the lives of the adoptees. The

reason why I was abandoned or how I ended up with the mother I did is a mystery, but it

happened for a reason that I could not be more grateful for. This is not a rare story, but one that

occurs every year with transnational adoptions happening each moment. While adoption rates

decline each year, the search for a sense of belonging does not. “Adoption is something we carry

with us forever,71” and so is the uneasy feeling about identity. The search for a sense of

belonging in either culture or nation is something to take with us as well. While ethnoscapes and

the notion of hybridity gives us a way to connect and not be alone, it does not solve the

fundamental problem of not belonging to a ‘home.’ While the mythology of roots is a good step

forward to abolishing the notion of roots and creates a space of belonging in both nations, I

believe no answer is prevalent within the current literature. The reason for root trips is to find

answers to identity and a sense of belonging, but the outcomes fall short of these expectations

which is supported by the literature. The next step to solve these problems is still unknown and

should be further investigated.

71 “Somewhere Between.” Linda Goldstein Knowlton. United States of America. 2011.

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