true grid by - theatre alberta
TRANSCRIPT
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TRUE GRID
by
Linda Wood Edwards
True Grid © 2007 Linda Wood Edwards 9451 Ottewell Road Edmonton, Alberta Canada T6B 2E3 780-918-4200 [email protected] 30, 2010
STORY
4 guys x 28 football seasons = over a century of bonding, rituals, and winning. Subtract 1 guy, add a lovely stranger, and risk breaking the streak. Join these devoted fans as they lose and rediscover their faith during an ill-fated season. Superstitious about anything? Youâll relate to this comedy.
CAST Coach 40-50. Peter, blue collar; ringleader of long-time group of fans James 40-50. Seemingly self-assured accountant but now at a crossroads Philip 40-50. (Not seen) Thomas 40-50. Letter carrier, gambler, heavily influenced by mom Mary 35-50. Lovely stranger who purchases the seat vacated unexpectedly by Philip Radio Commentator. (Not seen; pre-recorded). Preferably Bryan Hall On-Field Announcer. (Not seen; pre-recorded)
SETTING Anywhere: Edmonton, Alberta. May to November 2006 Scene 1: Training camp field, sidelines. Other scenes: Commonwealth Stadium seats **Script sections flanked by asterisks** indicate on-field action
DEDICATED
To CFL fans everywhere
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 2 Pre-show Music â Tub Thumpinâ, Ooowatanite, Check, My Cousin has a Grey Cup Ring, Grey Cup March, Stompinâ Tomâs Football Song Blackout Scene 1 Late May Music: Are You Ready for This? Coach: (C enters, sets up lawn chair.) Let there be football! Thomas: (T enters w/lawn chair.) And Coach saw that it was good. (Shake hands) Coach: Hey, Thomas! A new season, finally! (T sets chair left of C). Other side. Thomas: What? Coach: You always sit over there. Thomas: Itâs only training camp. (T moves far right). James: (J enters w/lawn chair, Hortonâs) Four double-doubles and eight crullers. Thomas: James, you old perv. Thanks! Coach: Move down. Thatâs Philipâs spot. James: But itâs training camp⊠Coach: Have you forgotten everything in six months? Look whatâs at stake. Thomas/ James: We are defending Grey Cup Champions! Coach: Not only that, we are defending⊠Thomas/ James: The longest playoff streak in North American professional sports history. Coach: You canât go switching things up, putting down lawn chairs any old place. (J puts
chair by T; extra goodies in the space) ** Thomas: Here comes the team! (stand, cheer, whistle, sit). ** James: Look at all those guys, in the best shape of their lives⊠Thomas: Fighting for a handful of jobs. James: Are we going to be blessed with Mrs. Coachâs company this season? (C negative)
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 3 Thomas: Youâre not still in mediation? Coach: Just canât seem to resolve it. James: Relationships are complicated. Thomas: Thatâs for sure. Coach: What would you know about it? ** Thomas: (to field) Cut that guy! Heâs already winded! Coach: Heâs never seen a field this big before. (to field) Sneaks up on you doesnât it? James: (to field) In Canada, size matters! Thomas: Iâll bet you twenty bucks he doesnât make it past the first week. James: Easy money. Heâll survive preseason then get flambĂ©ed. ** Thomas: Are you still taking that French program? James: Finis in deux weeks. Coach: I donât know why youâd want to parlez vous, unless youâre switching teams. James: Iâm not switching teams. Just looking for beaucoup de job opportunities. Coach: Youâve got a good job. Thomas: I donât know how you do it, working and studying. James: And keeping myself so buff. My body is a temple. Thomas: Temple of doom. James: Dare I ask, Thomas? Howâs momsy? Thomas: Sheâs living with me again. James: Youâre a good man. Thomas: Iâm a lonely man. James: Having a dry spell myself. Thomas: I donât even know why women go for you. James: Apart from the charm and good looks?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 4 Thomas: Youâre kind of a pig. James: Mais non! Coach: Mais oui. James: Iâm nice once you get to know me. Coach: Iâve known you for thirty years. James: But do either of you really know me? Methinks big changes are afoot for James⊠Coach: Methinks a foot up your butt is more likely. Snacks, stat! James: Got the right licorice? Not that cheap Wal-Mart stuff? Coach: Fresh Red Twizzlers. (produces licorice) Thomas has the spits. Thomas: Regular (reluctantly) and Dill Pickle. (produces Spitz) Coach: Donât like the sound of that. Thomas: Thought we could try something different this year. Coach: Give me strength. (To T) We won last year. James: We donât need different. ** Thomas: I was ahead at the casino last night so I thought Iâd bring a treat for you guys. (to
field) You call that a tip-drill? Come on, this is pro football! ** James: Wait, you won at cards and only bought an extra bag of sunflower seeds? Thomas: I was going to get subs, but my mom⊠James: Philip better bring the peanuts. Coach: He knows the drill. Thomas: I ran into him a couple of months ago at the VLTs. He has a girlfriend. James: Lucky bastard. Coach: I donât like the sound of that. Thomas: Why not? Coach: Women screw with tradition.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 5 Thomas: Son of a⊠** James: (to field) Nice kick! Did you see the leg on that one? Boom! ** Thomas: (to C) So youâre the only guy that gets to have a wife? Coach: If either of you idiots really wanted a wife youâd have one by now. James: Iâve had wives. Thomas: Ever wonder why you canât keep them? James: They just werenât the right ones. Iâm on a quest now. Iâll figure it out. Coach: Youâre not into that touchy-feely shrink crap, are you? Thomas: Shrink wrap? Coach: Shrink â space - crap. Iâve had my wife for sixteen years. Weâre a perfect match. Thomas: Then why donât we ever get to see her? James: You know why, Thomas. Tradition. Coach: None of us wants to return to the days before⊠James: The streak. Thomas: Salvation. ** (Clapping, lull in action) ** Coach: Do you two nimrods even remember what itâs like to lose? Puberty was rough, but
when your team stinks, itâs down right hellish. Thomas: I remember. If my parents won on the game Iâd get cheese on my sandwiches. But
usually it was plain baloney. Coach: Life before was darkness. (pray) Thank you, Lord, for this championship team... Thomas: And may we be blessed with a 35th consecutive year in the playoffs... James: Our rightful reward for unwavering faith and devotion... Coach: In sickness and in health, âtil death us do part. All: Amen! ** Thomas: (to field) Run your routes, boys. This isnât rocket science!
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 6 James: Time to separate the Tarzans from the Janes! ** Coach: Where in godâs name is Philip? (Silence) Pre-season is as exciting as it is
terrifying. Thomas: I agree. Youâre intrigued by the fresh talent, yet you long for the familiar. Coach: Itâs a catch-52. Iâve got a bad feeling in my colon. James: Weâd worry if you didnât worry. Iâm going to drink Philipâs coffee. Coach: No youâre not. James: But Philipâs not here and I bought it. Coach: Tradition! Four guys, four coffees, eight fancies. Spitz. Twizzlers. Peanuts. Thomas: But if one guy doesnât show up? Coach: Itâs never happened before, but Iâm not messing with it. Thomas: Better just leave it for a homeless person. James: Can I eat his crullers? (shake heads) Better ditch the dill pickle spits, too. Blackout Lawn chairs are cleared. Overheads Pre Season June 03: Edmonton 8 at Saskatchewan 4 Pre Season June 09: Saskatchewan 22 at Edmonton 7 Season Opener June 17: Edmonton 14 at Calgary 24
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 7 Scene 2
Spot on Coach downstage. Coach does his game-day dressing rituals as he listens to the pre-game show on the radio. We see his work smock with âPeterâ on it â not a prestigious job. Through football he becomes âCoachâ with a more satisfying life. He talks to his wife off stage occasionally.
Announcer: Itâs a beautiful June evening and this city is ready for some football. Both pre-
season games were losses but no one is too worried about that. Just one week ago in the regular season opener, two great rivals met on the field and no one is sure just how our boys managed to lose that one by ten. Tonight the battle continues. Letâs see if the home crowd and grass field can work its magic for our defending Grey Cup Champions. My guy says wind will not be a factorâŠ
Coach: Heâs back for another season! Isnât that amazing, honey? Stick with tradition, thatâs
how you do it. Been around even longer than the streak! Even has Grey Cup rings. That sure stands for something, donât you think? He may be the only guy that loves this team more than I do. T-shirtâs a little threadbare but so what. Have you seen my lucky dog tags? I think green jersey for the first home game, donât you? Green for the last real turf in the League. Which lucky hat? Right.
Blackout Scene 3 Overheads Home Opener June 24: Calgary at Edmonton Music: Our House Light on the stadium stands, four seats in a row. Coach: (Enters, takes aisle seat w/gear, beer, flag) Excellent. Thomas, James, Philip.
Team. As it was the beginning, is now and ever shall be; streak without end. Amen. James/ Thomas: (enter w/gear, beer; sit at Câs right w/space for Philip) Amen. James: The hat? Superb. Coach: Lucky t-shirt, extra-lucky horn. Nice! Whereâs your jersey? James: Carrying it. I think the t-shirt has enough power tonight. Coach: (to T) Lucky shorts! Outstanding. Thomas: And finger. Iâm ready. Coach: Hey guysâŠIâm not a big one for wordsâŠ
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 8 James/ Thomas: Since when? Coach: I just wanted to say thanks for the sympathy cards. Really appreciated it. James: He was an excellent player. Thomas: I canât believe they cut him. He looked so good at camp. James: Wonder if heâll sign with another team. Coach: He deserved to retire here. In these colours. (Gets weepy) Damn, you Philip! I
better not have to fly the missing fan formation tonight. Thomas: No doubt you sent the club a shocked-and-appalled letter? (C nods) And? Coach: No restraining order, this time. James: Iâd just better not have to buy my own peanuts. Coach: And thatâs another thing! No peanuts allowed in the stadium. (shows booklet). James: Did someone die? They better have! Holy. Thomas: I ran into Philip in the beer line. Coach: Praise the lord! Thomas: I met his girlfriend. James: Is she hot? Thomas: Not bad. Older. James: Older how? Thomas: Our age. Just not younger, if you know what I mean. James: Howâs her rack? Thomas: Didnât notice. (Pause) Pretty nice. Coach: Where are we supposed to put this old broad? Thomas: Not going to be an issue. Coach: Of course! Sheâll see one game, get bored, then Philipâs good to go for the season. Thomas: Philipâs got a new seat down in the high rent section.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 9 Coach: Well, what about this seat? Thomas: He didnât say. James: Holy! (To T) What are we going to do? Coach: This season is starting off very badly⊠Coach/ James/ Thomas: Schmeebs! (gesture boobs) (Mary enters w/huge drink. Squeezes past C.) Coach: Thatâs Philipâs seat. Mary: I donât think so. (M shows ticket) Coach: Well, donât go getting too attached to us. Iâm sure heâll be back next game. Mary: I bought this seat for the entire season. Iâm Mary, a friend of... Coach: Well thatâs just fan-frigging-tastic, isnât it. James: Hi Mary, Iâm James. Thatâs Coach and this is Thomas. Normally Philip is here, but
it looks like he made other plans and forgot to tell us. Mary: Nice to meet you, I think. So, what are you coach of? Thomas: Peterâs the coach of, well, nothing. Mary: How did you get the name? James: He gave it to himself years ago and insisted that everyone call him that. Coach: What do you know about this game? Mary: Some. Thomas: Sheâs green! Coach: As long as youâre the right shade, and not one of those who walks among us. Any
football questions, ask me. Mary: Iâll try not to be a burden, Peter. Coach: Coach. ** Announcer: Itâs the kick off ⊠and⊠heâs got it at the 20 and still going⊠All: (Cheering) Run! Run! (wince, cheer) **
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 10 Mary: So have you guys been fans for a while? Coach: Only our whole lives. Season 28 in these very seats. Mary: What do you guys do when youâre not here? Thomas: James is the most audacious accountant I know. James: Thomasâ bag is made of leather. Mary: Excuse me? Thomas: Iâm a letter carrier. And itâs not made of leather anymore. Itâs man-made fibres. Coach: More like manhandled. Thomas: (to M) Thatâs a big drink youâve got. Mary: I have a strict rule. Only one drink per game. James: But that must hold ⊠Mary: 52 ounces. James: Of? Thomas: Wait! Bet you a sawbuck I can guess. Mary: Without tasting or smelling? Youâre on. Thomas: Iâm thinking something fruity. Daiquiri? No, wait. Pina colada! Mary: Five dollars, please. James: Now me! A slow comfortable screw up against the wall? Mary: Pay up. James: Wait, thatâs not my guess, itâs my fantasy. My guess is a Screwdriver. Mary: Five bucks, and no to anything âscrewâ related. Other takers? Then to 2006! James/ Thomas: Cheers! Coach: (looking down) And screw you, Philip, I hope you're happy. ** ACTION (Opponents run for a touchdown) Coach: No, No!
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 11 James: Stop him! Thomas: Son of a⊠Mary: Oh, for Fox Creek! Coach: Give me strength! James: He was wide open! Thomas: There they go with that brutal touchdown dance. Mary: Man, I hate that. James: I think itâs kind of fun, you know, the choreography⊠Coach: Fun? Thomas: Come on! Act like youâve been there! ** Coach: (to M) You need to colour up. Mary: Pardon me? Coach: Wear team colours. You look like you could be anywhere, except a football game. Mary: Iâve got colours. You just canât see them. James: Iâm intrigued⊠Thomas: I probably wonât sleep tonight. Coach: If Philip were here, heâd be head-to-toe in colours. Thomas: (quietly) Maybe she canât afford logo-wear. Mary: I can afford it. Coach: Ah ha! Just freakinâ perfect. Philip gets replaced by a gal whoâs not bad for her age
but is obviously going for the other side. Mary: Gal? For my age? Thomas: Sheâs pretty hot for any age, really. Mary: (either stated or acted) Iâm sitting right here! Coach: This is going to be a disaster.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 12 Mary: You may be right about that. (Mâs cell rings; quietly) Hello? No! Three. Yes. Iâm ok.
No. Definitely do not. Bye. Thomas: Trouble with your kid? Mary: I don't have any kids. James: So, is your brother playing tonight? Husband? Thomas: Boyfriend? Mary: No, no, and no. Coach: Will you hounds quit pissing on the bushes and watch the game! ** Announcer: âYour defense is working hard. Letâs help them out!â All: (general yelling; crescendo leading to good â we stop them) ** Mary: So Coach, what do you do? Coach: Iâm doing it right now. Mary: I mean your job. ** Coach: (to field) Letâs go Big-D! Come on defense! ** Mary: So whatâs the deal with the guy who normally sits here? Philip? James: Hilarious. Thomas: A stand-up guy. Coach: He used to be a loyal wingman but heâs obviously not a real fan. James/ Thomas: Coach! Mary: So, Peter, you get to decide what constitutes a real fan? Coach: Coach. I'm in a pretty good position to tell. Mary: Does the team pay you to monitor fan loyalty and dedication? Coach: I do it voluntarily. Mary: And what does this job entail? Coach: It entrails helping the team win by making sure the fans do their part. Enforcing the
commandments of sports fan-dom.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 13 Mary: Commandments? Coach: Thou shalt not sacrifice a winning tradition and your friends to chase tail. Thou
shalt not miss a game due to weather. Buy rain gear, for godâs sake! Mary: Thou shalt not wear your hat during the national anthem? Coach: Exactly. Thou shalt not go home early or leave your seat during the game. Mary: What if you have to go to the bathroom? Coach: Go before, halftime if you must. Anything else is just bad planning. Mary: Tough rule. Coach: Common sense. Mary: Common sense would dictate that you go to the can when you've got the urge. (Câs cell rings; whispers conversation) James: (to M) You get used to the rules, honestly. Thomas: Although there are times Iâve nearly blown a kidney. Mary: Thatâs not healthy. James: No, but it is tradition. Mary: And Coach is the keeper of the tradition? (they nod) Coach: (hangs up) Have you straightened out the rookie? Mary: I may have to revisit my one drink policy. Blackout Overheads Home Opener June 24: Calgary 14 at Edmonton 18 âș!!! July 01: Edmonton 10 at Winnipeg 46 July 07: BC 20 at Edmonton 27 âș!!!
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 14 Scene 4 Spot on James downstage. James listens to the pre-game show as he dresses for
a game. He takes good care of his looks. Even his t-shirts and jeans are ironed. Announcer: Itâs a fine July evening in the middle of a heat wave. Some of these import players
think theyâve got it made with this weather, but I wonder how theyâll feel come playoff time in November. After winning the home opener and then getting dumped, we are flying high again after a victory in week 4 and a bye in week 5. Weâre 500 heading into week 6 and looking to make some trouble for our opponent tonightâŠ
James: Man, heâs sure seen it all. And how about that hair? How about my hair? Looking
good after my workout and swim. Nailed the interview. Phone is charged. Maybe Iâll get that call tonight and share the news. Got my man jewelry. Best ten bucks I ever spent. I loved beating those cheatinâ weasels. White jersey, symbolizing the purity of the playoff streak. Ah, my lucky hornâŠ
Blackout Scene 5 Overhead July 20: Winnipeg at Edmonton Music: Doinâ it Right Light on the stadium stands. (C sits).
(J enters w/cushion, horn, beer. T follows fairly close behind with pack, beer). James: You changed hats? I switched t-shirts. Carrying the jersey again. (checks cell) Thomas: Son of aâŠyou guys changed your gear! James: Weak start. Went to plan B immediately. Thomas: Two-and-two isnât that weak. I didnât change anything. (to J) Expecting a call? James: Yeah. Do you want to know from whom? Thomas: Whereâs Mary? Coach: You mean the one whoâs not Philip? James: I wonder why she left at the half last game. Thomas: She seemed into it.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 15 Coach/ James/ Thomas: Schmeebs! (Gesture boobs) (M enters w/drink.) Coach: Last game too much for you? James: You left. Mary: I left you, not the game. Sadly, the seat near my friends isnât available tonight. Thomas: I see youâve still got that big drink. Mary: Actually, itâs a new drink. Care to make another guess for five bucks? Thomas: Yes I would. Itâs a Bloody Caesar! James: No, itâs a Bloody Mary! It just stands to reason⊠Mary: No and no. Five bucks each, please. ** Announcer: Here they are, the leagueâs finest. (Cheerleaders enter field). ** James: The cheerleaders are so good. Coach: Thomas just likes the guys. Thomas: Very funny. James is the one with the seat cushion. Mary: Theyâre the best in the League. Coach: I liked it better when they were more traditional. James: You mean the jiggle fest? Mary: I used to be one. Just kidding. Put your tongues back in your mouths, these girls
are young enough to be your daughters. What do you think of the guys? Thomas: Real athletes. James: Total studs. Coach: You guys sound⊠Mary: Enlightened? Coach: No, that wasnât it. (to M; all applaud) Thomas: (Cell rings).Hello? No! (Quieter) Two hundred on three in the fourth, not four
hundred on two in the third. Say it back. Once more. Good. (Hangs up) Mom.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 16 Mary: (to J) You seem to be waiting for a call? James: I had a job interview today. An amazing opportunity. (silence) Thomas: Right on. Mary: Thatâs it? âRight on.â Youâre friends! Donât you want to know what the job is? Coach: Iâm good. Thomas: Heâs an accountant. Youâre the mystery. Mary: Fine. What do you want to know? Thomas: Why doesnât a girl like you have a husband or boyfriend? James: Or a girlfriend-husband? Mary: How do you know I donât? Coach: You can just tell. Mary: Fine. Seven-year relationship. Bad breakup. Thomas: When did you break up? Mary: A while ago. (realizing) Nine years next week. James: So youâve been broken up longer than you were in the relationship? Mary: Well, when you say it out loud⊠Thomas: Ever think that it might be time to move on? James: Smooth. (To M) What do you do? Mary: I own a renovation company. Tickets in carpentry and sheet metal. James: Really? Can I hire you to do some work at my place? Iâm fixing it to sell. Thomas: You are? Mary: Hereâs my number. Call me. (gives card) Thomas: (to J) Donât you dare use that for anything but business. ** Announcer: After the measurement, itâs a first down. Mary: First Down! 1-2-3, move those yardsticks! (Hits Coach; Silence) Donât you guys do
that one?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 17 Thomas: Teach us. Mary: You just go 1-2-3, move those yardsticks and point down field. OK? 1-2-3⊠James/ Thomas/ Mary: Move those yardsticks! ** Coach: We donât need a new cheer. (Agitated) And the game shouldnât be this close.
James! Jersey! Now! James: Yes, Coach! (Puts on jersey) Thomas: I wonder where the titty, er beer, lady is. James: Iâd settle for the beer dude (silence). Well, Iâm really thirsty. Thomas: Letâs make a beer run. Coach: You will wait two minutes to the half. ** James: Right. (yelling) This team is playing like crap! Fire the coach! ** Mary: Come off it! Fire the coach? A month in? Coach: I have to have faith that they know what theyâre doing. This club always builds on
success, right? Mary: Sure, even in bleak times, we made the playoffs. Coach: (To a fan) Hey, you going to the big game in November? We've got forty rooms.
Let me know if you want in. Thomas: Are you going to Grey Cup? Mary: I donât know. Thomas: You should go. Check with Coach about a room. Coach: Weâre all full up. James: But you just offered them⊠Mary: Never mind. ** Announcer: And thatâs the half (gun, followed by Go for a Soda) All: (Cheering) Good half team. Good start. (T& J exit) ** Coach: If you love the head coach so much, why donât you marry him?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 18 Mary: I donât love him but itâs too soon to sack anyone. Coach: The kicker? Mary: Get real. Coach: (Pause, then to M) So what do you think so far? Mary: Team is disappointing. Some of the fans are kind of ignorant. Coach: I know what you mean about that. Mary: What got you started? Coach: I stunk at math until a teacher connected everything to the CFL. Made me track
team and player stats and it all made sense. Mary: Figures. Good with numbers, not so much with people. So how long have you
known these guys? Coach: As kids weâd hook up every season on hemorrhoid hill. When the new stadium
opened, us four got tickets together. All those winning seasons. Mary: Life-long buddies through football. Coach: I thought so, and then this Philip thing⊠Mary: Maybe if you were in touch in the off-season it wouldnât be such a puzzle. Coach: What we have is perfect. Mary: Does everyone feel that way? James/ Thomas: (return w/ beer) Excuse me, excuse me. James: (to M) Want a beer? Mary: Thanks, but my rule⊠Coach: Where's mine? Thomas: Could only get two each. You know the drill. Mary: Do you shoot beer through that horn? James: Those days are behind me but be my guest. (Thomas offers his) Mary: How long have you had it?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 19 James: Longer than your relationship and breakup combined. Mary: Whenâs the last time you cleaned it? James: Cleaned it? Mary: (cell rings, J checks, M answers) Now what? Stay away. Bye. James: Someone sure seems to want something from you. Mary: Iâll see them later. ** ACTION Yelling âDâ, âDâ, âDâ ** Thomas: (looking down several rows) Hey, there goes Philip! Coach: It figures sheâd make him go to the concourse and miss something. Mary: How do you know she made him do anything? James: He didnât even wave. Coach: Philip has turned his back on the light. Mary: You guys are the freakinâ light? Coach: No, they are. (to field) Thomas: Philip didnât turn his back, Coach. Heâs still here. Heâs even paying more for his
seats, plus he introduced a new fan. Coach: New fan? That Jezebel seduced him with her nice rack. Mary: Nice rack? Coach: Sheâll go to just enough games to sink in her talons, and poof, youâve lost football. James: And in my case, the house. Thomas: Twenty bucks says Philip lasts until the semi-finals. James: My twenty says til Thanksgiving. Coach: I say within the next two games Philip and football are done. Mary: My twenty says he makes it all season and Iâll raise you a double-saw that the
girlfriend is still here, too. Thomas: A dangerous, complex bet. Iâm intriguedâŠ
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 20 James: What if it doesnât work out and Philip wants to come back? Mary: It will work out. The more you dislike your friendâs partner, the more likely theyâll
stick together for life just to make you miserable. Coach: That is the first sensible thing youâve said. Mary: Thanks. Whatâs really important is that the double standard is alive and well. Thomas: I donât follow⊠Mary: Simple. Coach gets to have a partner and anyone else who follows their hearts or
doesnât follow the rules exactly is banished. Coach: My situation is different. You havenât got a frigginâ clue. Thomas: Coach⊠Mary: I donât have a clue? Whatâs not to get? You have special status and everyone else
gets treated like a wad of tape unless they jump through your arbitrary hoops⊠Coach: Theyâre not arbutary. Theyâre tradition. And I wouldnât have to pester so much if
everyone would just do his or her frigginâ part. Thomas: Both of you stop it! Coach, I think you should apologize to Mary. Coach: For what? Fine. Iâm sorry. Mary: What are you sorry for? Coach: Oh Christ. James: Mary, I think you owe Coach an apology too. Mary: Youâve got to be kidding. Sorry. Coach: (pause) Thereâs so much pressure to keep the streak alive. I get fustrated when
things donât go right. I feel like Iâm letting them down. (To field) Mary: Yeah, I donât know what else to do to help them. (to field) ** ACTION â Guys wave flag, blow horn, and ring cowbell. ** Mary: So you guys really donât have anyone? James: Just waiting for you to come to your senses and marry me. Mary: And then in a year I get my free house?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 21 James: Maybe Iâll rethink my offer. *** James: Aw, come on! What kind of a play was that? ** Coach: âThey read the quarterbackâs eyes.â Thomas: âBut he threw it on a rope.â James: âOn a frozen rope.â Mary: Oh my god! You guys sound like the TSN crew! Thomas: We can do better. Coach: âBet he wishes he had that one back.â James: âThreaded the needle.â Thomas: âWith authority.â James: âUp the gut.â Coach: âOff the schneid.â Thomas: âWith intensity.â James: âClimbed the ladder.â Thomas: âFrom the get-go.â Coach: âThe real deal.â James: âSee ya, wouldnât want to be ya.â Mary: âDid I ever tell you about the time I held during the 1989 Grey Cup?â (round of high
fives) ** (Bad play on field, bad play on replay screen â itâs a nut thing; all drink) ** Thomas: I went to my long service banquet last night. Mary: Who did you take? Thomas: It wasnât a complete write off. I was given a weekend for two at the Banff Springs. James: Hope it doesnât have an expiry date. Iâll give you two hundred bucks for it. Thomas: Thanks, but I think Iâll hold onto it awhile. You never know. Mary: Are you divorced?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 22 Thomas: Never married. Coach: And getting weirder by the day. Pretty soon no one will want either of you guys. *** Mary: Nine seconds left! (They stand) James: Third down at their own goal line. Thomas: Weâre going to win. Sack him! Coach: What a pass! James: No! Damn, heâs got it! Thomas: Donât just stand there, tackle! Coach: Gone. One hundred yards. James: Touchdown. Mary: Thatâs the game. Coach: I want to see that again. Thomas: Believe me, youâll see it on the highlight reels. Blackout Overheads July 20: Winnipeg 25 at Edmonton 22 July 28: Montreal 21 at Edmonton 13 August 04: Edmonton 17 at BC 34 August 11: Saskatchewan 18 at Edmonton 24 âș!!! August 18: Edmonton 28 at BC 30 September 04 LABOUR DAY CLASSIC: Edmonton 23 at Calgary 44 September 08 LABOUR DAY REMATCH: Calgary 26 at Edmonton 35 âș!!! September 16: Edmonton 22 at Hamilton 27
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 23 SCENE 6 Spot on Mary, down stage. Mary dresses for a game while listening to the pre-
game show. She has team gear but decides among nearly identical white t-shirts. Minimal preening but many rituals.
Announcer: After that devastating last second loss in week 6 we hit a bit of a rough patch with
five losses and a couple of wins. Sure, a couple of those losses could just as easily have been ours, but they werenât folks. Now in week 15 weâre at 4 and 8, heading into the second half of our back-to-back games with the last place team and trying to redeem ourselves from the last outing. No doubt the rival quarterback is looking forward to revenge on his old home turf. Itâs anybodyâs guess what our guys will do tonight. Which team wants this more?â
Mary: Man, that guy has been there my whole life. Helps me prepare for the game. (To
offstage) Hey, remember Iâm going to the game tonight? (Silence) Oh, right. I live alone. Nine years? How did that happen? Now thatâs a slump. A closet full of lucky clothes and a team thatâs 4 and 8. Which shirt tonight? Not like Iâm dressing up for anyone. A trio of men who are so superstitious they make bingo players look sane. Maybe I should dress like a troll dollâŠ
Blackout SCENE 7 Overhead September 22: Hamilton at Edmonton Music: Barracuda C, T, & James sit w/beers. J checks his cell) Coach: (yelling) Come on, show âem whoâs boss! (to J) Still staring at the frigginâ cell? Thomas: Iâll bite. Whatâs the job? James: My dream job. Coach: (whispers) James: Other dream job. Thomas: What would constitute a dream job for an accountant? Coach: Especially one like you? James: Donât want to jinx it.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 24 Coach/ James/ Thomas: (Mary enters w/drink) Schmeebs! Mary: (C glares) Why donât you guys just sit together? Iâll take Thomasâs seat and you
guys move in. Thomas: (rising) Sure! Coach: No! Itâs tradition that we sit in this order. Mary: But with Philip, not me. Thomas: You can learn to be lucky like Philip. Weâll get the mojo going. Coach: We need the real Philip. Mary: (moves in, sits) Look, until a seat opens up near my friends, weâre stuck with each
other. Besides, I doubt your precious Philip would even come back here. Coach: He might. Mary: Heâs wonât. Looks like heâs washed his hands of you guys. Deal with it! Coach: What would you know about dealing with things. Nine years. ** All: (Bass pounding) Letâs get ready to rumble! (Loudspeaker: âAre You Ready for
This?) ** Coach: (to M) I still think you need to colour up. Mary: I told you, Iâm coloured under. Thomas: I havenât stopped thinking about that. Coach: But if youâre going to sit here you should look the part. Mary: I am going to sit here, but Iâll just keep on wearing whatever I like, if you donât mind. Coach: I do mind. Mary: It was rhetorical. I donât actually care what you think. Coach: But Philip would⊠Mary: I donât give a ratâs ass what Philip would do. ** Announcer: Thatâs a big sack. Some lucky section will win perogies to take home. ** Thomas: I never win the perogies.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 25 James: Iâve never known anyone to win the perogies. Coach: Itâs probably rigged. Mary: I doubt theyâd bother. Perogy-gate doesnât seem like a big story. Thomas: Perogy-gate. (Laughing) James: Donât be so obvious. ** Loudspeaker: Man I Feel Like a Woman. (James & Mary share a dance) (Now on offense) ** Mary: So what did everyone do last weekend? Coach: Just a reminder, we donât go in for that sort of thing here. Mary: I think human connection enhances the game day experience. Coach: I think it un-hances. Weâre here to work. Mary: Iâm here to have fun. Thomas: Me too. Coach: Iâm having fun, damn it. But itâs hard work, too. James: Relax, Coach. Coach: How can I relax when weâre losing? We need to be more disciplined. James: I think we should try it Maryâs way. If sheâs right things could go better. Coach: We shouldnât need better. Weâre defending champions. Mary: But we do need better. Plus I think itâs sad that you guys donât have more to your
relationship thanâŠthis. Coach: (mimicking her) âI think itâs sad.â This coming from the relationship expert. Thomas: Coach, enough! Mary: Youâre one to talk Mr. Mediation. Thomas: Mary! Mary: I just thought this would be more fun, thatâs all. Thomas: OK Iâll play. I took mom to a casino, racetrack, and travel agent. Coach: Theyâre not letting her back in Las Vegas?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 26 Thomas: She thinks she can fly under the radar in casinos built after 1994. Mary: And what did you do, James? Cougar hunt at the bar? James: Hey, Iâm on your side. Mary: Sorry. James: Went to the pool, gym. Prepped my house for your reno team. You? Mary: Wedding dress shopping. Thomas: Not yours! Mary: My sisterâs. It was brutal. Thomas: You donât like the guy? Mary: I donât like my sister much at the moment. Iâm not sure about the guy. Thomas: Unemployed? Abusive? Coach: Gambler? Mary: No. James: I know the problem. Iâll take âEx wife from hellâ for two hundred, Alex. Mary: No exes. No kids. James: Sounds like a real bastard. Mary: I know. ** ACTION â The wave. ** Mary: (picking up thread) Itâs just that my sister and I had this thing that we always did
together and in struts this PhilâŠthis fellow⊠Coach: And suddenly youâre as useful as a spare prick at a wedding. Mary: So itâs not only women that screw with tradition. But she seems so happy. I just
wouldnât mind a piece of that. Coach: Iâm sure itâs not that bad. Youâll find another knitting club or whatever it is you gals
did together. Mary: Knitting club? Kiss my lily whiteâŠ
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 27 ** All: Yell; ACTIONâ Referring to the field) ** Thomas: So what did you do last weekend, Coach? Coach: You canât be serious. James: Oh, but we are. Coach: Wedding. (They wait for him to continue) Not our scene. Fancy-ish. They even
read the brideâs favourite sonnet. I asked my wife if she had one of those. She said, âProbably something by Alice Cooper.â
Thomas: Wish we could see her more often. You found yourself a rare gem. James: Not like my ex-wives. Thomas: Tell Mary how you met 3X. James: 3X the mall hairdresser. When she was working on me I asked, âDo you cut
womenâs hair, too?â She says, âYesâ so I point to my teeth and say, âThen can you cut this one? Itâs been stuck there for days.â She married me four months later.
Mary: What a beautiful story. And that didnât last? James: Less than a year. Mary: Perhaps youâre just not the marrying kind. James: Why would you say that? Thomas: Because you stink at it. Mary: Youâre oh-and-3. Youâve called for the coachâs head for better stats than that. Coach: Iâm guessing the problem is you. James: Maybe. But still, it would be nice to have someone⊠Thomas: Amen. Coach: âSomeonesâ can really screw up a football season. Mary: Amen. James: (Jâs cell rings) Hello? Yes this is he. Coach: This is he? James: Yes. Yes. No. Yes. I see. Thomas: Uh-oh.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 28 James: Of course. When. Yes. Thank you. (Hangs up) Coach: Thatâs sure some fancy work voice youâve got there, James. Mary: Was that the call youâve been waiting for? James: It was one of them. Thomas: Sorry, man. James: No, I got it! Second choice mind you. I wonât commit until I hear about the top one. Mary: What does this runner up look like? James: Iâd be the new prairie liaison in the Auditor Generalâs office. Thomas: Sounds important. Mary: But isnât the AGâs office in Ottawa? Coach: They donât even have a team right now. James: Theyâll get it back. Coach/ James/ Thomas: (hands to the centre, in reverence) Go Ottawa! Coach: (cell rings) Hi. What an animal! No, looked clean from here. Me too. James: Say hi from us. Coach: James and Thomas say hi. Hi back. OK, bye. (hangs up) ** All: âFenceâ, âFenceâ, âFenceâ ** Mary: Your wife calls during a game? Is that why the mediation? James: Story time! Once upon a time there were two season ticket holders who met and
fell in love. Thomas: But neither wanted to give up his or her seat because they were both superstitious. Mary: (to C) You mean sheâs just like you? James: So every home game, they kiss good-bye at the gate and watch the game apart. Coach: And that was fine, I mean everyone knows you canât screw with the streak. But
after weâd been married a couple of years I figured we should sit together.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 29 Mary: Seems reasonable. Coach: Thatâs what I thought. But she wouldnât give up her seat and move here. Mary: So why didnât you give up yours? (silence) OK, why didnât you both give up your
seats and sit in a new place? Coach: Thatâs what the mediation is for. She wonât leave the west side and I wonât leave
the east. Weâre at an impark. Thomas: How much have you spent on mediation? Coach: Nearly eight grand. And all we keep coming back to is that weâd better stay put, at
least until the streak ends, which is never going to happen. Sheâs directly across from us. Probably yellingâŠ
Mary: Maybe itâs just as well that you donât sit in the same section. I guess you were right,
Coach. I didnât have a clue. I am sorry. Coach: You already apologized. Mary: I didnât mean it before. Coach: Me neither. Mary: I know. Coach: Cheers. (Pause) Whatâs a sonnet? Mary: A poem of fourteen decasyllabic or octosyllabic lines⊠Thomas: Properly expressing two successive phases of a single thought or idea. James: Holy. Coach: I figured as much. Blackout Overheads September 22: Hamilton 20 at Edmonton 18 September 30: Edmonton 30 at Saskatchewan 25 âș!!! October 09: Edmonton 23 at Toronto 28
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 30 SCENE 8 Spot on Thomas, downstage. Thomas dresses for a game while listening to the
pre-game show. He takes more care than he might normally have done. He occasionally addresses his mother off stage.
Announcer: Itâs a cloudy fall day but my guy says the rain will hold off. Losing back-to-back
games with the last place team was helped out a bit by our victory in week 16. Unfortunately, our team wasnât feeling very thankful after their holiday Monday beating. It should have been theirs, folks. Tonight a chance for revenge as our 5 and 10 team heads into the rematch. A victory tonight means the playoff hope remains aliveâŠâ
Thomas: We need this win. Come on, St. Bryan, give us some of that good luck.
Mathematically, we can still make it. But none of our stuff is working. Itâs screwed up. (To offstage) Remember I canât take you to bingo tonight, mom? Thereâs a fifty on the table for you. A hundred? Uh, ok. (To himself) The gold jersey never feels quite right. I wonder if sheâll like it. Itâs worth a try. Sometimes sheâs so sweet I couldâŠsometimes sheâs scary. Coach brings that out in her. She can hold her own. Please St. Bryan; help me choose the right wardrobe. And the right words.
Blackout
SCENE 9 Overhead October 14: Toronto at Edmonton
Music: Under Pressure The four are standing at the game, post field goal. C, T, & J w/beer, M w/drink.
** Announcer: And itâs another football into the endzone for⊠All: High - school - football! (Guys field mini footballs; sit, empty handed.) ** Mary: You can buy mini footballs anywhere, you know. Coach: Theyâre free here. Mary: But theyâre for the kids to catch. James: It doesnât work that way. (to T) Tell me again how this playoff run is going to work. Thomas: OK. We need to win tonight and the team just ahead of us needs to lose tomorrow. James: So even when we win, our destiny isnât in our hands. Thomas: Shhh.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 31 Coach: I hate that. Mary: Itâs better than no hope at all. (all agree) ** Negative response to field ** Mary: What do your fan commandments have to say about booing? Coach: Easy. Thou shalt not boo your own team. Mary: Even when theyâve been in the red zone four times and only got three points? James: Even then. Thou shalt not boo the opponents, except for on dirty plays. Mary: How about the refs? Coach: Theyâve got a tough job. Thomas: We respect what they do. James: Theyâre right there and in the best position to see... ** Announcer: Thereâs a flag on the play. Roughing the passer. Coach: Aw come on Ref! James: Whereâs your Seeing Eye dog? Thomas: There are two teams out there! Coach: Boo! Boo! ** Mary: Thatâs what I figured. So what did everyone do last week? Thomas: I went to the track, then polished my cowbell. James: Whoa. TMI! Coach: I told you not to rub that thing so much. Thomas: No, really. (Shows it) Mary: More cowbell! James: I had a house full of renovators. Mary: Nice place, James. Very tasteful. Impressive library. James: You sound surprised.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 32 Mary: I am surprised. You seem like such a jock. Like you were born into this. James: I was. My old man used to play back in the day, when everyone watched the CFL. Coach: When you didnât have to defend three-down football. The holy trinity. Thomas: (sign of the cross) QB, kicker, goal-ie post. James: Dad wanted me to be a jock like him, so naturally I avoided all sports. But the day
after his funeral I took a bus to the stadium and bought an end zone ticket just to spite him.
Thomas: As I recall, you brought a book with you. James: In case I didnât like the game. But I did like it so I kept going. Coach: We kept our distance from the weird kid for the first few games, but once he put
away the book he wasnât too bad. James: Dad would have loved the fights I got into in the stands. Mary: Beer horn related? James: One yes, one no. Coach: I had to beat you up. Thomas: That was awkward. James: And you didnât beat me up. You sucker punched me for buying the wrong donuts. ** ACTION - They rise. Incomplete pass mid field. Coach: He went right overneath it! Coach/ James/ Thomas: Hail Walby! Mary: Missed it by a C-hair. Thomas: Did you just say C⊠Mary: Look, you can see dark underwear through that playerâs white pants! James: After Labour Day, yet! ** Announcer: And thatâs the half (gun) **
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 33 Coach: (Câs cell rings) Can you believe tied at the half? Meet you on the concourse in five.
I can miss the show. Itâs not the dogs. (Hangs up) See you in the third. (C exits) Mary: So whatâs the deal with Coach, anyway? Thomas: How do you mean? Mary: Heâs so superstitious. Thomas: We all are. Mary: But heâs over the top. He punched you over pastries? James: I had it coming. Footballâs the most important part of his life. Mary: He doesnât seem happy. Thomas: But he is. As long as thereâs this heâs over the Warren. (silence) Moon? James: Although heâs much more cheerful when weâre winning. Mary: So even if heâs biting off your heads, you still come and hang out with him. Thomas: Weâre friends. James: Oh, thereâs a guy I know. Iâll be right back. (J exits) ** ACTION: Half time entertainment in the background ** Mary/ Thomas: SoâŠSorryâŠYou go first⊠Mary: OK. How did you become hopelessly addicted to this game? Thomas: After dad left there was no one for my mom to bet with, so she started betting me
my allowance. She took me for four-bits a week. Mary: This sounds a bit twisted. Thomas: My strategy was to have her teach me everything -- how to play the spread,
calculate the odds. Then I started going to games to learn the mechanics. That made the difference. She hasnât beaten me on the CFL in years, not counting this year. Weâre even at the track but she kicks my butt in Baseball and spelling bees.
Mary: Youâre not kiddingâŠAll that gambling canât be healthy. Thomas: Sitting around the house all day isnât healthy either. Mary: No, but itâs free.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 34 Thomas: Itâs her money. Some of it, anyway. Mary: Does your mom owe you money, Thomas? Thomas: A little. If I get wind that sheâs up, I take some and try to win back the rest. Mary: Maybe you should just save whatâs left. Thomas: Iâm sure to you that sounds reasonable, but weâre not really wired that way.
Sometimes you need to win it back all at once. Kind of like third and thirty in your own red zone. No time for five yard plays. You need to lob that Hail Mary pass. Go deep and pray to god.
Mary: Right. I see. Thomas: Do you? Mary: Well, I get the football analogy anyway. Thomas: Good. (J & C return) I thought you were going to miss the second half kick off. Coach: Oh ye of little faith. ** Whistle to start the half ** Thomas: Arg! Noooo! He pooched it! What kind of a kick was that? Ah, crap! Coach: So Thomas, how are you doing on ProLine? Thomas: Bite me. James: I took him for twenty on the coin toss. Thomas: (Tâs cell rings) Hello. Yes. Repeat that? Where? Can you hold a moment please?
Itâs an emergency. I need to go. Mary: Is everything all right? (T shakes head) Coach: The game is still on. Thomas: I really canât help it. Coach: Look at the scoreboard. This is life or death, Thomas! Thomas: (into phone) Is the situation under control, officer? Is there any immediate danger?
Then Iâll be along just as soon as I can. Good-bye. Coach: Good decision. **
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 35 ACTION/TIME PASSES - Cheering All: Run, run, run! ** James: (Jâs cell rings). Hello? Yes, this is he. Yes. Yes. I see. Of course. That would be
fine. Thank you. (Hangs up) Yesssss! Thomas: You got it! (J nods; hugs) Mary: Details! Coach: This should be exciting. James: Iâm definitely turning down the Ottawa job. New leaf. (pause) You are looking at the
new coach of the Tahiti national synchronized swim team. Coach/ Thomas/ Mary: Piss off! Thomas: How come we didnât know about this? James: You never asked. You never ask about anything⊠Coach: Youâre a freakinâ synchronized swimmer? James: Yes, and now Iâm going to be a coach in Tahiti. Thomas: Road trip! Coach: What about football? James: In December Iâll have to relocate to French Polynesia. Thomas: It wonât be the same here next year. First Philip, now you? ** Announcer: Dragnet theme. Thereâs an injury time out on the field. ** Coach: I need to take a whiz. I shouldnât have broken the seal at half time. Thomas: I canât respond to an emergency yet youâre going to break a commandment? Coach: Injury time out is not a break, itâs a bend. James: Well crew, shall we let Coach have a leak? Mary: A blatant lack of self-control. Thomas: I say he can pee if he buys each of us a beer.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 36 Mary: Deal. Thomas: Iâll go help him carry them up. (C & T leave) Mary: So, this is pretty exciting news. James: Some pretty big changes. Mary: Sounds stressful. James: Early mid-life crisis I guess. Mary: People â the guys â will speculate. Three ex wives, synchronized swimming⊠James: I donât care. Mary: Bull. James: I really donât. Iâve no idea what the future holds, I just know I need to go
somewhere else and start over. Iâm open to whatever or whoever comes my way. Mary: How well do you know Thomas? James: Why do you care? Mary: He seems like a decent guy. Charming in an odd way but on a slippery slope. James: If you like him, fine. But donât try to rescue him. Mary: Thanks. Not that I should even care, but if we lose what will happen to Coach? James: Iâve been worried about that all week. Philip would have known what to do. I donât. I
just picture springs popping out all over. Coach: (C & T return) Whoâs popping out all over? I didnât see her. Thomas: Theyâre really making us work for this win tonight. ** QB prepares to throw, scrambles. James: Watch the blitz! Coach: Hail Mary...Yes, what a circus catch! Thomas: Itâs a footrace. Mary: Touchdown! Coach: Weâre within a field goal. Thomas: Do or die.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 37 Coach: Everyone thinking positive? Mary: Absitively. Thomas: Posolutely. Announcer: 1:19 remaining. The pass is upâŠandâŠintercepted. Looks like heâs taking it all the
way back for a touchdown! All: No, no! (extreme bummer) Coach: Iâm having didja view. Thomas: You mean that wasnât just a replay of last week? Announcer: The faithful are heading to the exits and booing their team. Coach: What do you guys know about being faithful! Sit down! Mary: Coach, settle down. Coach: You never leave a game early in this league. Touchdown and a field goal? Thatâs
nothing! James: Coach is right. Itâs not over. Thomas: Down by ten with a minute left. Thatâs doable. Coach: (standing) Come on guys, youâve done this before. (all cheer) Mary: Theyâre definitely marching it down the field. Thomas: Good clock management. Keep it going. Just a little more time⊠James: The quarterback keeps and⊠Mary: Heâs in for a touchdown! (all cheer, hug) Gun signals end of game Thomas: With zero on the clock. All: (stand, staring, mouths agape; then all look at Coach) ** Blackout
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 38 Overhead October 14: Toronto 28 at Edmonton 25 October 21: Edmonton 30 at Montreal 20 âș!!! Scene 10 Stage is dimly lit as all four are offstage. Announcer: It really happened, folks. Right there in the dying seconds of week 18, the famed
playoff streak ended. The legacy is over. Weâve had a couple of weeks to digest it, including a win in week 19, but that was just bitter sweet. This city is angry, the club is angry, and any fans who arenât angry are probably still in shock. Weâve been hearing the âsplatâ of some so-called fans jumping off the bandwagon. The papers are full of rants from the home crowd and the gloating of other CFL cities who, lets face it, have been waiting a very long time to see this club fail. At 6 and 11 heading into the final game, the only known is that itâs wait until next year. Tonight theyâre playing for their jobs.â
All: Damn, he can be annoying! (turn off the radio) Blackout Scene 11 Overhead October 27: Saskatchewan at Edmonton Music: Rise Up At the stadium. Dressed for fall, no logos. T enters, then J, then C; all w/beer. James: Excuse me, you canât sit there, itâs Coachâs seat. Coach: Itâs me you knob. Thomas: Son of a⊠Coach/ James/ Thomas: Schmeebs! Mary: Dweebs! (M enters w/drink, bags) Iâve been at the team store and look! (logos!) Coach: Look at you! Finally.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 39 James: What took you so long? Mary: Superstition. I didnât want to change anything for fear youâd blame me for the
teamâs slide. About mid week it occurred to me that now I can wear whatever I want. I feel quite free.
Thomas: Free. Thatâs a different word for it. But the gear looks really nice on you. James: Youâre right. Iâve got about two grand worth of unlucky colours that I can resurrect. Mary: I bought you boys some. Mini footballs for everyone. Leave the others for the kids
before one of you breaks a hip. Thomas, hereâs a new finger. Thomas: Thanks Mary. Mary: Where is your ratty old finger? And your lucky shorts? Thomas: No jersey either. (opens coat; reveals Seigfried & Roy) James: Thomas! My god, that shirt? Mary: Did you lose a bet? Thomas: My mom brought it back from Vegas. Coach: That doesnât mean you have to wear it. James: Well, I can relate. To the getting ready part, not to the shirt. (reveals no jersey) Mary: (to J) No horn either? (gives him a new one) I might consider shooting a beer
through this one. Thomas: Iâll buy! James: Thanks, Mary. Mary: And a whistle for Coach. Coach: Thanks, Mary. Mary: (to C) Even you? I thought something looked different. Way to mail it in you guys. Coach: None of the lucky stuff worked so I thought Iâd try a new stragedy. Mary: Just being normal? Coach: Some might call it normal. To me, it feels downright alien. Mary: Iâm sure it does.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 40 Coach: When I was prodding you to colour up, I didnât know you were respecting our
tradition. I thought you were just being a snag. A lot of guys wouldnât have cared. Mary: I guess Iâm a different kind of guy. ** Whistle to start game. Half-hearted cheering. ** Coach: I feel like Job. (mispronounced) James: You mean Job? (correct pronunciation) Coach: Iâm a good person. I never lost faith. AndâŠstill the streak ended. Mary: The book says we wonât be tested beyond what we can handle. Coach: The CFL Rule Book? James: The other book. Coach: Well, I donât believe whoever said that. Thomas: Iâve had my doubts all season long. James: We know, Thomas. Thomas: We repeatedly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Mary: From champions to the basement. Coach: I considered not even coming tonight. Thomas: Temptation isnât a sin. Weâve all been tempted to miss a game. Coach: Itâs the first time Iâve denied this team. Mary: Three times before the first whistle blew⊠Coach: Look at all these empty seats. Itâs the genesis of the exodus. James: We are not bandwagon jumpers. All: Right. Coach: But since I was a kidâŠfootball doesnât end this early in the season. James: No snow games. Thomas: I get most of my national pride from the combination of snow and football.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 41 Coach: Culture and tradition are important. Iâm not wrong about that. James: Although not talking to Philip all season was a bit extreme. I miss him. Coach: I miss my wife. Thomas: Sheâs right over there. Coach: I love football and I love her. (C makes discreet call) James: In that order? Mary: (brings out peanuts) James: How did you get those peanuts in here? Mary: I just walked in, why? Thomas: Theyâre banned this year. Mary: Is that why I havenât seen any? I thought you guys were just weird. Coach: Preventative measure. Mary: Total bullshit. Coach/ James/ Thomas: Language! Mary: Sorry, but this peanut business has gone too far. I think we should put peanuts in
everything for two weeks and let the problem sort itself out! (passes them) Thomas: I brought Dill Pickle spitz. (Produces bag) James: You rebel. You know, I have to ask. You never bet against us, did you? Thomas: No, of course not. Not with my own money. Coach: Say what? Thomas: I put down a few bets for my mom. She never bets with her heart. Mary: Sounds like you bet against your own team. Thomas: I was just the mule. James: Bad karma. Thomas: She won most of those bets, too. Come on, I love this team.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 42 Coach: You sold out. (M & J agree) Thomas: Maybe I didnât show the best judgment with the proxy betting, but it was for my
mom. You know, honour your mother and crap like that. Coach: You need to apologize. Thomas: Iâm sorry. Coach: Not to us. (To field) Them. Thomas: Please forgive me for my role in this season. It wonât happen again. Mary: How is your mom, Thomas? Thomas: She has to move out of my place because she needs more supervision than I can
provide. Mary: Was that the emergency? Is she ill? Thomas: She got caught cheating in Vegas and when they escorted her out, she got
belligerent. They may drop the assault charge and just go with a lifetime ban. James: That sounds like a lucky break. Thomas: It was, but on her way home she decked a flight attendant. Coach: I really am sorry, Thomas, but maybe it will be better in the long run. James: Whatâs it going to cost you? Thomas: Nothing. Sheâs on her own this time. Iâll need about six months to work myself out
of the hole she dug me. With casino trips, could be shorter. Mary: Could be longer. Think about it. Coach: Youâve figured him out. How did you like your first season? Mary: Twenty-first, Coach. You guys really made assumptions about me. Coach: And you know what happens when you make assumptions. Thomas: Yes, you make an ass out of u and umptions. Coach: I never get that one right. ** The wave ** Thomas: So whatâs your story?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 43 Mary: Dad was a minister. James: That explains the drink. Mary: Dark rum and coke, by the way. Thomas: I knew it! Mary: Then why did you lose forty-five bucks this season guessing? Thomas: Itâs what I do. ** The wave ** Mary: Dad thought of football games as pure family outings. At first I just went for the junk
food, then I started watching the cheerleaders â imagining myself dancing around in a little outfit.
Thomas: I can picture it⊠Mary: Of course, it would never have been allowed. Eventually I found myself getting into
the game. (**The wave**) Football was the only thing we did as a family that was fun and didnât involve praying. With my first pay cheque, I got seasons tickets for my sister and me.
Coach: Nice seniority! ** The wave ** Coach: I feel weird. Mary: Are you sick? Coach: Whatâs a fan supposed to do in that month between getting knocked out of the
playoffs and Grey Cup? Thomas: Cheer for another team. Mary: I know who Iâll pick. Coach: I know who I wonât pick. James: If one losing season is this difficult, then some of those other fans really deserve
credit. Thomas: Shows character. Coach: I hate character. It hurts.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 44 James: Maybe itâs just our turn. You know, to not make it. Mary: Fine, Iâll take A turn. But it stops after Grey Cup. James: Agreed. A one-year slump only. Weâll start a new playoff streak next year. Mary: To loyal fans everywhere. (toasting) I suppose itâs easier to have faith when youâre
winning. ** All: 1,2,3 Move those yardsticks! ** Mary: Coach, you look like the cat that ate the canary. Whatâs up? Coach: Tradition is broken, so Iâm going to sit with my wife in the third quarter. Sheâs
coming here for the fourth. (M texts) Thomas: Are you blushing? Mary: Iâd like to meet her. I canât imagine⊠Coach: âŠwhat kind of a person would be married to me? Mary: Iâm glad youâre staying for the first half. Philipâs coming up. Coach: Heâs got some explaining to do. James: Wait, you know Philip? Mary: Jezebel â Eve -- is my sister. Thomas: Not the sister whoâs shopping for a wedding dress? Mary: Nice rack and all. I wish I knew what you guys said about me when Iâm not here. Thomas: No you donât. Mary: You each owe me twenty bucks, plus the ten for the girlfriend. (they pay) Philip and
I switched season tickets so they could sit together. Thomas: You and your sister sat right down there all those years? How did I miss that? Mary: Too busy betting on whether refereesâ strips are white on black or black on white. Thomas: Why didnât you tell us you knew Philip? Mary: I planned to, but you were so hostile, it wasnât in my best interests. Or Philipâs. Coach: You mean you set aside your own traditions because your sisterâs in heat?
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 45 Mary: Knitting club. Youâd know how much I care if you could see my CFL tattoo. Never
mind. Coach: I really thought it was your fault. Yours and Philipâs. Sorry. I mean it this time. Mary: I know you do. ** Mary: (to field) Oh my god, look at that blocking! Thomas: Look at the yards heâs getting! James: Keep going! Run! All: Way to go! Coach: Our little running back is going to owe those hoggies a big steak dinner tonight. ** Mary: I just figured out why the team tanked this year! It wasnât Philipâs leaving. Or my
coming. Or Thomas for betting against the team. Or James for focusing on getting out. Or Coach for being Coach. I donât even blame the team, really.
James: Then who? Mary: Itâs the damned âno peanutsâ policy. Any idiot knows you canât have a football
game without peanuts. Coach: My god, sheâs right! Thomas: The no peanuts policy totally coincides with the team hitting the skids. Son of a⊠Mary: Furthermore, since I opened this bag, look at our yardage! Check the score! Coach: Weâre going to win this game! I can feel it. Mary: Absolutely. Coach: So we were destined to break the streak this year and there wasnât a thing that we,
or the team, could do to prevent it? Mary: Not a blessed thing, but good try. Go wash your t-shirts. Start fresh next season. Coach: At least we still hold the record for the longest playoff streak of any professional
sports team in North America. Thomas: It wonât be touched for a long time. ** Music: Stairway to Heaven **
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 46 Coach: Then we gather in this garden to eat and drink in remembrance of the streak and to
give thanks to twelve whom, over a generation, have delivered the good news of our gridiron supremacy. (Passes licorice)
James: The breaking of the licorice represents the breaking of the streak. The end of many
fine traditions. And the beginning of new ones. (The all break. T gives M a beer) Thomas: The beer represents the pouring of our souls into the team and the season. Mary: Not the season being pissed down the drain? Thomas: Sshh. James: Ever faithful. Mary: Ever fans. Coach: Ever green. Thomas: Evergreen? Coach: No. Ever â space -- green. Our colours. All: (toast) To next season! Coach: Security! (the guys sit) Mary: (to guard) No I wonât put the peanuts away. Itâs a bloody stadium. Youâre kicking
me out? That stupid rule caused the decline of an empire! (chants) Peanuts, peanuts! Fine! (To guys) Iâll catch the second half at the bar. Maybe youâll come after?
Thomas: I ate some, too. I guess weâre both punted. (Taking their stuff). Can I catch a ride? Mary: Sure, but do up your coat. (To guys) Say hi to Philip and Eve for me. And Mrs.
Coach. Coach: Wait a minute. (hands M a note) Mary: Whatâs this? Coach: Itâs my number. Call me about a room for Grey Cup. You need to be there. Mary: Cheers. Thomas: So Mary, do you like Banff? (T & M exit) James: I didnât think heâd ever go for it.
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©True Grid by Linda Wood Edwards 9_July 30, 2010 47 Coach: Seems to be a lot of new things being tried. Dill Pickle spits are pretty good.
(Pause) Youâre really moving to Tahiti? James: Oui. Itâs a dream come true. Coach: Iâm happy for you. James: But what about tradition? Coach: Weâll start new ones. You want to come with me to see if the grass is greener on
the other side of the stadium? James: I think you should make that journey on your own. Iâll hold the fort here. Besides, I
think the beer dude slipped me his number with my change. Coach: How do you know it was for you? Could have been meant for Mary. Or me. James: Yes, thatâs possible. Is this going to be a problem? Coach: Whatever floats your boat. James: Right. (silence) You OK? Coach: Actually, Iâm feeling better by the minute. Maybe we should hook up with those two
at the bar after. I want to hear about your new job and see that big fake synchronized swimmer smile of yours. (gives J his new whistle) Here, looks like youâll need this more than I will â Coach.
James: But what about you? Coach: Weâll be fine. Iâve got a good feeling about next season. James: In your colon? Coach: Yup, and everywhere else. Just look at them. James: It looks like theyâre having fun again. Coach: Whoa! Trick play! They stand, cheer, toast⊠Blackout. Overhead October 27: Saskatchewan 18 at Edmonton 20 âș!!!
The Edmonton Eskimos finished the season at 7 and 11. The North American pro sports record of 34 straight years in the playoffs is over. But it probably wonât be touched.
Music: âGrey Cup Paradeâ by Dal Richards (Alt Music: âEskimo Fight Songâ by Dal Richards)