How To Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go

Our main job as parents is to train our children:

Hebrews 12:7-11 ESV It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? (8) If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. (9) Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? (10) For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. (11) For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We can gather a few things from this important verse:

1- A father must discipline his child.

a. As the head of the household, the father is responsible for the discipline

given to his children.

b. He is to be active in his discipline, not passive

c. He ought not just to pass on instructions, but be the life coach; first for his

wife, then for his children (Ephesians 5:25-28).

d. Understanding your role as a father or mother will focus your training.

Lack of understanding of your role will hinder the training.

2- Only illegitimate children are without discipline.

3- The goal of discipline is to be subject to our Heavenly Father.

4- His discipline brings about holiness in our life.

5- Discipline is painful.

6- Discipline involves training (Hebrew: chanak).

7- Righteousness comes by being trained (disciplined) in God’s Word (2 Tim 3:16)

to distinguish good from evil (Hebrews 5:14).

Pro 22:6 ESV Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

The simple goal we’re aiming at is to prepare them for God’s discipline:

Train up… is the Hebrew chanak, meaning “to narrow”; figuratively to initiate or

discipline: - dedicate, train up.

…in the way he should go… - not the way he would go or the way you would want him

to go. It’s not about giving him a career of your choice or of their choice, but giving him

the skills and the discipline he will need to find (discover) his own way; suitable to his

character, talents and capabilities – the way God has set for him. It is up to the parent,

having the most experience, to be able to instruct (train up, initiate) his child in this way.

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Transliterated: “Initiate the child at the opening (the mouth) of his path.” When he comes

to the opening of the way of life, being able to walk alone, and to choose; stop at this

entrance, and begin a series of instructions, how he is to conduct himself in every step he

takes.

This passage thus implies:

1. We need to know our children at the deepest level

2. Communication is key

a. Know their fears

b. Their desires

c. Their strengths of character

d. Their weaknesses

e. Encourage them to communicate freely with you

i. At dinner time engage them by asking them

1. What they did during the day

2. What they liked about the day

3. What they didn’t like about the day

ii. Frequently ask for their opinion on something, whether they liked

or didn’t like something and why

iii. Teach them about important convictions they need to have

iv. Always look for teachable moments – young kids are always open

for teachable moments

f. Don’t discourage communication by

i. Body/facial language

1. I don’t have time for you

2. I can’t look at you now

3. Ohhh!! Again???!!! (rolling up the eyes)

ii. Being too occupied (busy) that your only time for them is to

correct them and rebuke them.

iii. Making them feel as if they cannot say certain things

1. Don’t embarrass them

2. Don’t make them feel silly or inadequate

3. Don’t treat a topic like it’s taboo

3. Parental Support (Motivation) is imperative

a. They need emotional support

i. They need your hugs, kisses and embrace

ii. They need sweet and beautiful words said about them

iii. They need to see mom and dad hugging, kissing and speaking

beautifully to each other

b. They need intellectual support

i. They need you to explain to them over and over and over

ii. They need you to help them be smart about their world

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iii. They need to learn how to learn something – how to make it their

own as opposed to depending on other’s convictions and

knowledge

iv. They need to learn how to make up their mind about something

c. They need spiritual support

i. Children need to learn morals and manners

ii. They will learn them from you

iii. They will copy yours and base their own convictions on the model

you provide for them

iv. They need to learn about all the Bible accounts and teachings

4. So Child Training involves:

a. Communication – We spoke about that

b. Motivation – That’s the Parental Support we spoke about

c. Discipline – We will be speaking about that more

It is not just living “with them” (side by side) – it is not just giving commands or

discipline (one way) – communication implies two ways always. When you are training

your kids the right way, in the instruction and discipline of the Lord, you will reap many

benefits, it’s not just giving and giving, but it is a give and take:

Psalm 37:23-27 ESV The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; 24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. 25 I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread. 26 He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing. 27 Turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever.

Parents give: love, advice, instruction, correction and rebuke (2 Tim 3:16-17)

Parents take: love, encouragement, blessing, humility, devotion to God

Kids give: love, attention, obedience, faithfulness and devotion

Kids take: love, instruction, discipline and training

Let’s talk about discipline now.

Discipline vs. Punishment

Discipline does not necessarily mean punishment and vice-versa. They can be two

entirely different things. Those who are trained (disciplined) have no need for

punishment as much as those who are only punished without being trained. That’s how

you know a child is not really being trained – when the parents spend most of their

energy only punishing (rebuking) or being indifferent – leaving the child to his own

ways:

Pro 29:15 NIV The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

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One extreme of parenting is illustrated in this verse: the permissive style, which basically

leaves a kid to become his own authority – he is left to himself. Notice how the mother is

the one mostly affected by this extreme of parenting. Why is that? That’s because she has

the most influence on a young child, on an emotional (relational) level:

The mother is the thermostat of the home – she controls the disposition (temperament) of

the household since she spends the most time there (Titus 2:3-5; 1Tim 5:14). [What are

we to say about moms who are not at home? Who then is really raising up the children?

Whoever spends the most time with the children is raising up the children.]

A cold and frigid mom; dry and expressionless will cause the children to crave attention

from anywhere they can get it. They will be raised distant, careless and un-emotive –

unresponsive to others; or emotionally challenged – unable to deal with people and

relationships. A hot mother – aggressive, angry and frantic; will also repel the children

and raise them to be hot-tempered, rude, insecure and unable to deal with the pressures

and challenges of life and relationships. Think about how children in these two extremes

will respond to God’s calling when adults, or deal with others in the church if they accept

God’s calling as adults.

The mother is the one who will mostly affect the emotional stability and temperament

(disposition, character, personality, temper, spirit, behavior) of her children and even her

household, including her husband. The wife of noble character (Prov 31:10-31), who

receives blessings from her children and praise from her husband (verse 28) does so

because she’s an excellent thermostat! A thermostat regulates (controls) temperature

(temperaments)! How so?

She sets a moral example (verses 12, 15, 20, 23)

She is full of wisdom and instruction (verses 26, 27) Instruction will not catch on

unless there are examples to back them up

She manages the temperament of her household well (verses 27, 28)

Mom can be a mood setter when her focus is on the Lord and when her husband

provides for her as Jesus does for the church.

Mom’s incredible patience and grace can absorb frustrations, deflect anger and

settle indifferences amongst the children with the right attitude and training

strategy

For more on the wife of noble character see my outline here.

The opposite of a permissive style of parenting is an authoritarian style, which is

inflexible, abusive and just as dangerous as the permissive one. This excessive

disciplinarian style is identified with the fathers, just as the permissive style was

identified with the mothers. Any idea why you think that is?

Eph 6:4 NIV Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

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Exasperate: (provoke – ESV, ASV, KJV, NAS, RV, embitter – GW) To

exasperate means to anger, enrage, provoke to wrath, embitter. Exasperation

comes from being controlling, focused on yourself and focused on your worldly

affairs – not by being humble, tender and inspiring. This is why the instruction is

given specifically to the father, since the mother is instinctively more tender,

mindful and mild with the children.

Bring them up: (nurture – ASV, RV) rear up to maturity, that is, to cherish or

train: nourish. This is similar to the Hebrew chanak in Prov 22:6, which means to

train up, to narrow. The Father’s training is compared to nourishment –

inspiration; this implies constructiveness, not destructive behavior like anger,

wrath, bitterness or callousness will cause. The father needs to watch his

temperament – walking closely with the Spirit to be bale to bear constructive fruit

for himself and his household.

Training: (nurture – KJV, discipline – ESV, NAS, GW, chastisement – ASV,

RV) tutorage, that is, education or training; by implication disciplinary

correction: - chastening (to correct by punishment or reproof; to restrain, subdue;

to rid of excess or purify), chastisement (to punish by beating; rebuke),

instruction, nurture. Training implies forming good habits and discouraging bad

habits. Training involves example, instruction and rebuke (this is where the rod

plays a role). Without tender and consistent training, you will exasperate your

children.

Instruction: (admonition – KJV, ASV) calling attention to, that is, (by

implication) mild rebuke or warning: - admonition. Without setting a good

example in yourself, your instruction will be hollow and exasperating. Without

setting a good example your training and instruction will be met with bitterness

and opposition.

It becomes necessary for us parents to live balanced lives in Christ – that our relations

with our children become satisfying both to them and us so that our instruction and

training bear eternal fruit:

Psalm 92:12-15 NIV The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; 13 planted in the house of the LORD, they will flourish in the courts of our God. 14 They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, 15 proclaiming, "The LORD is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him."

Not having this balance will drive us to choose an extremist style of parenting

which will provoke our children to anger and bitterness.

Reprimand (punishment) without discipline (training) does not bear good fruit and

causes rebellion. It is a mark of lazy and misleading parenting.

The reason this verse in Eph 6:4 is directed to fathers is because they generally are less

involved in the day to day rearing of their children, especially when they are young,

which are the formative years of the child’s conscience and temperament. Because they

are at work and spend less time at home, fathers need to establish a deep koinonia (loving

relationship, companionship, communion) with their children:

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Spend as much time with them as possible! Don’t turn them away when you are

home but engage them as oppose to having them engage you most of the time.

Spend your time communing with them, playing with them and relating to them at

their level – conversing about their experiences, feelings and opinions. Don’t let

your time with them be spent mostly on correcting and rebuking them.

Care must be taken to spend instructional and relation time with your children

equally. They will value your instruction and training if you’ve related to them

and established trusting and loving bonds.

It is important to note that the father is also responsible for managing his entire household

as implied by 1Tim 3:12. This involves loving his wife as Christ loved the church and

bringing up his children in the training and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4). As easy

way to remember our responsibilities and the scope of our influence is this:

The wife’s temperament (disposition) is a good indicator of how well the marriage is

going (reflecting upon the husband’s duties) and the children’s temperament is a good

indicator of how well the household is managed (reflective upon the parent’s duties). So

even though the children’s temperament is a direct reflection upon mom, it ultimately

reflects upon dad doubly – by both the mom’s and the children’s temperament.

Styles of Parenting

Permissive - These parents are quick to give in to a child's demands and allow him more

freedom than he may be ready for. They believe in a democratic way (majority rules) of

handling household decisions and affairs. Although this style may be in vogue and may

seem to be right, it is dangerous and nothing short of abuse of freedom. These parents

may even allow a small child to make important decisions that should be the adult’s

responsibility – such as which nursery school he will attend or who his friends should be

or what kind of punishment should be inflicted on him. Some permissive parents simply

don't care enough to make the appropriate demands on their child. Others don't really

know any better or have been spooked by well-meaning but ignorant psychologists,

doctors or teachers. Permissive parents have delegated their responsibility of training not

to their children, as they might think, but to the baby sitter, the school board, drug

pushers, criminal elements, Police Department and the juvenile authorities (courts).

These lack the God-given commission and influence to bring up your child in the training

and instruction of the Lord.

Authoritarian - At the other extreme are authoritarian parents who make inflexible rules

that leave no room for negotiation. The child is expected to conform to the parent’s image

in everything from behavior and appearance to after-school activities and eventually,

career choice. If the child falls short, he's punished – either physically, emotionally or

psychologically through the threat of losing something of value or the parent's love or

both. Such are the demands exacted on children of authoritarian parenting that they are

pushed out of them home and into a careless and godless society. Authoritarian parents

are dictators, leaving no room for godly instruction in love and inspiration, but squashing

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any form of nurturing and gentleness in their instruction. Although authoritarian parents

may think they are being godly, scoffing at any “mamby-pamby”, “milk toast” form of

child rearing that might not be similar to theirs; they have actually invited Satan and his

demons to take over their household, where fear and domination are the rule of the day.

Authoritative (Autocratic) - These parents have the most well-adjusted children and the

most satisfying relationship with them. These parents are both flexible and structured.

They are highly involved with and observant of their children. They understand their

parental responsibility and don’t delegate it to other bodies or authorities. Because of this,

they have a strong understanding of what their children are capable of, what makes them

unique and which expectations are realistic. These parents communicate effectively

and respectfully but don't spoil their children – resulting in respect and admiration from

their children as well. These parents are sensitive to their children. They listen carefully

and hear and acknowledge the child's point of view. They show warmth and affection.

They are quick to hug, express delight and tell their children how much they enjoy their

company. Their instruction is gentle, inspiring and backed up by airtight examples and

habits. They acknowledge their children's accomplishments in specific and encouraging

ways. Their children call them blessed and praise them.

Often you may see a mix of these. One parent may be authoritative and the other

permissive, always replying: “Go ask your mother/father about it”. That’s OK as long as

the child and the mother understand that the father is ultimately held accountable by God.

If the father is always delegating his authority then the couple needs to work more closely

together to present a united front so their authority is not breached. Usually the parent

with the permissive tendency will be the one to allow the breach to happen. When a

breach happens children will exploit it! If one parent is authoritarian then that household

will be suffering, just like an entire country can suffer under dictatorial rule. Being the

head of the house does not mean you are the dictator! It is extremely important to present

a united front of autocracy (ô [awe] -t k r -s ) to the children. This means that the

parental unit is to have the final word always.

Which one do you think is God’s style of parenting? The Scriptures teach us that to be an

autocratic parent we must bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Scriptures must permeate all we teach our children:

2Ti 3:14-15 NIV But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, 15 and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

Our instruction must be based on the Sacred Scriptures. These make our children wise for

salvation at the proper time, when accompanied by suitable instruction and discipline.

Our rod and our staff (training and instruction) will be comforting to them and we will

prepare them for the comfort of the rod and the staff of the Lord (Psalm 23:4).

What is the goal of our instruction and training (discipline)?

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Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Col 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Heb 12:9-10 NIV Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.

1- When children learn to obey your instructions, they will learn to obey the Father

of their souls and live.

2- Your children will manage to be successful in the way God has assigned them.

(Prov 22:6)

3- They will share in God’s holiness.

HOW TO TRAIN (DISCIPLINE)

Training begins as soon as they understand “Yes” and “No” the most basic

communication tools of training and instruction (around 6 months of age). Let me repeat,

if you train your child consistently with a rod from this early age you will need to use it

less and less as the child matures. Failure to use the rod will result in more and more

frustration as the years go by. I am speaking generally of course. There may be some

children that sparingly need a rod, but by and large the rod plays a major role in the

training of infants and young children. The parents who use it as the Scriptures teach love

their children and will be blessed.

As we saw in Prov 29:15, the use of a disciplinary tool, the rod of correction, is

necessary:

Pro 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to

discipline him. Rod: Hebrew “shebet”; a stick or switch (for punishing, writing, fighting, ruling, walking,

etc.); dart, rod, scepter, staff. In the context of it being used for discipline it is referring to

the shoot or long twig or switch of any woody plant; a branch, or the stem of a shrub; as a

rod of hazle, of birch, of oak or hickory.

We must not spare the rod. To spare the rod is

o To refrain from using it

o To refuse using it

o To hold back from using it

o To withhold its use

If you love your son you will use it carefully in training him. Notice how the rod and

training are closely associated. Using the rod without training is tantamount to abuse. The

rod is a tool for training (discipline). Like any other tool, it can be misused without

understanding its purpose and its use. Just because you don’t know how to use it, or it

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was misused with you as a child doesn’t mean you spare it for your own children. If you

do the Word of God says you hate your child.

Why use a rod? Pro 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it

far from him. Folly (godlessness-NT (Mat 5:22), silliness) that is bound up in the heart:

Disobedience

Laziness

Carelessness

Disrespect

Anger

Only the rod will be able to drive these out:

Not nice words

Not a dissertation

Not a reward

Not a time-out

For all you faint of heart (permissive parents) take note of this next verse and be bold:

Pro 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod,

he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. As if it were not enough, the Lord through Solomon’s wisdom emphasizes the

importance the rod has in training. Notice how discipline and the rod are used

interchangeably here implying its use in training. Withholding it from your training is

tantamount to hating your child, since the rod can save his souls from death! We will talk

about how to use this rod effectively, without fear of killing or hurting your child.

Solomon’s play on words here show that withholding the rod is what can cause your

child to die as opposed to using it, which may cause some to think you’re going to kill

him!

Pro 19:18 NIV Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. Discipline must be done in hope, not in anger or resentment – certainly not in hate. Those

who have given up training have given up hope. Those who withhold the rod withhold

hope and life from their children. Pro 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself (who gets his own way – NASB) disgraces his mother.

How and When to Use the Rod

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As you see in these verses, the instruction and discipline must be accompanied by the

rod. Even though I have replaced the rod at times with other instruments, the Scriptures

mention the rod explicitly and I think I have discovered why. We began with the use of a

wooden spoon and then used a wide leather strap. We stuck with the rod, although it is

sometimes hard to get a good one and you have to replace them often because they get

dried up and brittle. A nice green, thin and flexible rod causes sufficient stinging without

leaving permanent marks on the body. Remember that the object is to cause pain, not to

hurt them physically. Wooden spoons can break and a splinter can hurt and even cause an

infection. Leather straps can cause lesions and discolorations. Being that you want to be

careful of attracting the attention of ignorant physicians, school authorities or other

caregivers, you should use the rod instead of anything else, including your hands.

Where to apply the rod? God gave us two big lumps of fat and muscle on our behinds/buttocks for this purpose.

Thighs and legs are also good targets because they are away from the face/head. If you

are going to hit the arms the child may swerve and you will end up hitting their face/eyes.

Their hands are also very delicate and if you hit them you could hurt or break some

bones. Some of you may think it is inconvenient to spank (To slap on the buttocks with a

flat object or with the open hand, as for punishment. I don’t like this definition because it

implies the use of the hands.) their buttocks, but the use of the rod should always be an

elaborate and structured event, as opposed to a hasty and careless one. Remember, it is to

be done carefully!

Careless and hasty use of the rod can result in physical abuse. This happens when

punishment is never accompanied by proper discipline (training). If you consistently

discipline your child, you seldom have to punish with the rod. Parents who have to

punish and chastise their children often, do so with frustration since there may be little or

no discipline (training) involved. This can cause the punishment (chastisement) to go to

extremes resulting in physical and/or emotional abuse.

Hitting in anger/frustration will cause your children to be exasperated and resentful. It

can also cause you to use excessive force or other instruments of chastisement, like your

hands, that can physically hurt your child.

There are four steps in the structured (autocratic) use of the rod: The Chastening Event

1. Announce

a. When disobedience, defiance or disrespect occurs, announce to your child

that he will be reprimanded with the rod.

b. Tell them you will now have to use the rod to help him realize the

offensive act will not be tolerated. Let him know folly has mastered him

and it needs to be removed with God’s rod.

c. If the offense occurred privately, then announce it to him only, in private.

If the offense was public (meaning in the eyes of your other children as

well), then announce it in public. That way the other children will take

heed.

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d. If you have been emotionally affected by the defiance or disobedience of

your child you need some time to pull yourself together before you

announce the chastening event. You need to be ruled by reason and your

love for your child and your goal of training him to be obedient unto his

Heavenly Father. If you feel disrespected, taken advantage of, bullied or

belittled by your child join the club. But your administration of the rod

cannot happen while you are emotionally charged. Otherwise it will not

work. It is ok to be angry and frustrated, but this is the time for you to go

to your Heavenly Father for wisdom, discernment and help.

2. Prepare

a. Go get the rod.

i. If you are the guardian of the rod then go get it and bring it to the

presence of the child.

ii. If your child is old enough you may want him to go get the rod,

whether it is in your garden on a bush or wherever you keep it.

b. Go to a private place (the child’s room, or another empty room), whether

the offense was public or private.

c. Tell the child again that you will be administering discipline because of

the offensive behavior. Make sure you are specific about why you are

administering the discipline. You can ask him why the discipline is

needed. They should be able to identify it. If they can’t, repeat the reason

you are going to administer the rod.

d. During the preparation and administration of the punishment there should

be no negotiation or exchange. Any attempt to usurp your direction or to

disrespect you should result in an increase of the disciplinary measure.

This process should all be controlled by the parent who is administering

the discipline and should not be interrupted or negotiated upon by the

spouse or another adult present. It is a sacred event.

3. Administer

a. The force and repetition of the use of the rod should match the degree of

the offense. Remember to administer the rod being emotionally detached.

It should not be a personal thing or the discipline will not be effective.

You need to be in control, not emotionally out of control while this event

is occurring (the administration of the rod).

b. Choose to apply the rod to the bare buttocks or the thighs/leg.

i. If I have to apply some heavy lickings, I always choose the bare

buttocks. They bear the burden better. I will apply the rod three of

four times swiftly and firmly.

ii. When the offense is not too high, I may choose to apply the rod to

the legs once or twice, making sure it stings.

c. You will know if you applied the rod correctly because there will be

crying and remorse on the part of the child.

i. If the child did not cry, the folly was not broken down and you did

not succeed. It is important to understand this. Repeat your licking

firmly and swiftly.

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ii. If the child screamed in opposition, but did not cry or sob in sign

of remorse then you did not succeed. Repeat your licking firmly

and swiftly.

iii. For the rod to drive the folly far from the heart of the child it has to

break down the stubbornness and obtuseness of the folly. The spirit

of disobedience must be broken down and it will happen with the

pain felt. That’s the point of the rod – to inflict pain they can

remember. That is the training.

d. You will also know you have applied the rod correctly because you

yourself feel the pain of having to do this. If you are enjoying yourself or

if you are angrily doing this, you are not applying the rod successfully and

could endanger your child and yourself. A parent who uses the rod despite

feeling he doesn’t want to do it, but does it because he loves his son and

wants to save him from death will apply the rod correctly and

successfully.

4. Encourage

a. After the administration of the rod is over let the child cry. Give them

some time to think about it and feel the effects of their folly.

b. If the child comes to you and clings to you, penitent, you have succeeded

in applying the rod with love.

c. Ask the child if he understood why you had to punish him.

d. Tell the child you really don’t want to use the rod but you have to because

you love him and because God loves him and wants mommy and daddy to

follow His instructions.

e. Ask the child if he will obey mommy and daddy.

f. Tell the child what you expect from him now that you will bring him back

out.

g. Bring the child back to where the offense occurred and see if the lesson

was learned.

h. If the offense is repeated go back to the room and apply the rod again.

Don’t be surprised if this happens repetitiously when the child is very

young (1 to 3 years old). You may sometimes need to do this more than

twice! Be prepared and resolute!

Sometimes you may not have the time or convenience to go through this whole process

of applying the rod. Sometimes you need to put your child in line quickly, at the store or

in the car or at church services. What I am about to explain will only work if your use of

the rod as previously described has been successful. If you have not successfully used the

rod this quick wakeup call may not work. Here it is in order of severity:

A stern look

A word of warning. If the warning is not heeded you can promise a full chastening event when

you get home. You will not then need to resort to any of these other things listed here. Just watch

and if any other offenses occur keep them listed and disclose them at home along with the

applying of the rod. This will not work with very young kids who will forget why they are getting

reprimanded when they get home. With young kids you need to get their attention immediately by increasing the attention getter.

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A firm tap on the head, upper arm or leg, or a light pinch on the upper arm or leg,

or flicking the ear should get their attention in a jiffy.

If all these fail you may need to find a private place to have a chastening event.

Examples of how to implement routine discipline with an infant for the purpose of

behavior shaping:

1- Using “no” and “yes” (around 6 months of age) to train them to listen and obey.

a. Place the infant on your lap and put two objects before them. Make one of

them an object you don’t want them to touch and the other one an object

which is OK for them to touch, like a favorite toy.

b. They will most likely reach out for the object that seems very attractive

and unfamiliar to them. They love to explore! But we must set boundaries.

i. When they stretch out their little hands towards the object gently

and firmly say “no”! If they hesitate, they have understood you.

Most likely they won’t if it is your first time and they will touch it

or grab it. At that point you will say “no” again and accompany

your instruction with a light swapping or tapping on their leg.

1. The tapping should be firm enough to cause a slight sting

but not too hard to make the baby cry. You are only trying

to get his attention.

2. If the baby was startled or looks like he’s going to cry

that’s fine. Some babies are more sensitive than others.

ii. Take the object from them and give them the object they can use

and say “yes”.

c. You can use this method:

i. To set boundaries for your child at home: Homeproofing your

child as opposed to childproofing your home is what training your

child is all about. The world is certainly not childproof! You have

to make your child worldproof! It is still a good idea to be safe and

place breakable things or small objects out if his reach, amongst

other things.

ii. To teach him to obey you and trust you

iii. To teach him to respond to your command

2- Training him to sleep on his own at bed time

a. Also doable by the time they understand “yes” and “no” (around 6 months

of age).

b. It is important to get the infant into a routine where he goes to bed at the

same time every day.

c. Make the routine predictable:

i. Start with a warm bath

ii. Give the infant his last bottle of milk

iii. Brush his teeth

iv. Sing a song/read a book (Bible stories)

v. Pray

vi. Tuck him in bed

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d. Leave the child to himself after turning off the light

e. If the child begins crying ignore it (unless you think it is an emergency)

for about 5 minutes

f. If the child continues to cry (complain) you go in the room and let him

know it is time for sleep and gently tuck him back into bed.

i. If he resists force him down to a sleeping position.

ii. If he continues resisting proceed with a chastisement event right

there in his bed.

iii. If he complies but continues to cry/complain leave the room again

iv. You may need to continue doing this, increasing the amount of

time you go back to the room by 5 minutes each time if this is your

first time trying this.

g. The first time shaping this sleeping behavior is very difficult for many

parents since it requires much patience, but if you are consistent and firm

you will be blessed with a compliant child soon.

3- Behavior Shaping - Conditioning

a. A structured environment is paramount for training a child to be obedient

and successful in the way he should go.

b. Contingent explanations are the most beneficial

i. “You can play (positive) after you finish your meal”

ii. Establish the statements positively – positive reinforcement

iii. Always give them the choice between two things

iv. Be specific about what you want from them

v. “You can choose to play nicely with your friend or you can go to

your room and play there by yourself.”

vi. “We can go to the park if you behave yourself and obey mommy at

the doctor’s office”

vii. Give if - then statements

viii. “If you don’t stop complaining then you will get a (whatever you

call your chastening event) when we get home.”

c. It is very important to speak clearly and gently, but firmly.

d. You are the parent, there should be no negotiations when you have

decided to do something, especially if you are carrying out a promise

(threat) you made.

e. This is why your promises (threats) should be simply and doable at the

moment. Don’t make empty threats or impossible promises you are not

able to comply with at any given moment. It will reduce your authority

and credibility.

f. Establish routines for what to do when he gets up in the morning

i. Using the toilet

ii. Brushing the teeth

iii. Getting his bottle

iv. Reading a book/singing a sing

v. Praying

vi. Learning/playing

vii. Chores

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g. Establish and shape mealtime behaviors

i. Everyone is expected at the table for a meal

ii. We pray first

iii. We speak about what we have done in the day

iv. We keep our words positive

v. We engage each other and compliment the cook

4- Shaping attitude

a. Not only do you want to shape behavior but mood (attitude) as well

b. Remember their mood often is a reflection of yours. You cannot expect to

shape their mood if you’re in a rotten mood all day long.

c. Don’t put up with pouting, complaining, rolling of the eyes or turning up

of the nose.

d. Give ample warnings and carrying out your promise of chastisement if

these are not obeyed.

e. Remember they will imitate your behavior and mood so watch yourself

closely first!

f. Present a united front as parents always. Never let the children play you

against each other!

These techniques will rapidly train your child to be in line with your commands and will

result in children who are not only a joy to have around, but who will continue to pursue

God as their Heavenly Father even when they are old.

Pro 22:6 NIV Train a child in the way he should go,

and when he is old he will not turn from it.