tips for getting the most out of this presentation keep an open mind. give it an honest try, before...

33--SSttrriikkeess……

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by Kenneth & Casandra Murray

TIPS FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS PRESENTATION

• KEEP AN OPEN MIND.• GIVE IT AN HONEST TRY,

BEFORE YOU DECIDE THAT IT WON’T WORK.

• USE THE FOLLOWING MOTTO:THE FACT THAT I AM LEARNING NEW PARENTING SKILLS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A BAD PARENT...IT MEANS THAT I WANT TO BECOME A BETTER PARENT!

BASIC FACTS ABOUT PARENTING

“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” --Michael Levine

1. HUMAN BEINGS DO NOT HAVE PARENTAL INSTINCTS.2. WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT PARENTING, WE LEARNED FROM SOMEWHERE. 3. WE CAN ALWAYS LEARN NEW WAYS, IF WE ARE WILLING TO TRY.

EXERCISE # 1 :Purpose: For better or worse, our parents had a huge impact on our childhoods and our own parenting skills. The following exercise is designed to help you take an honest look at your parents and their parenting:

PICK 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOUR MOTHER.Write them down on the following lines...the first 3 words that come into your mind when you think of your mother. Remember, be honest.________________________________________________________________________

Next,

PICK 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOUR FATHER.Write them down on the following lines...the first 3 words that come into your mind when you think of your father. Remember, be honest.________________________________________________________________________

Review of Exercise # 1 Now, take a look at the words you’ve chosen to describe your parents. Some of them may be positive, and some may be not so positive. You can compare your memory with your siblings and other family members to make sure you have an accurate picture of your parents. The purpose is not to blame your parents or make yourself feel guilty. Rather, the goal is to take an objective look at some of the attitudes and behaviors that you learned from your parents. No one is perfect, but taking an honest look at your childhood can help you understand where some of your own parenting behavior comes from. Remember, you can keep the good, and replace the bad with better techniques.

PARENTING STYLESNever raise your hands to your kids.

It leaves your groin unprotected.--Red Buttons

The diagram below uses lines to represent the rules within the family, with the child in the center. The bottom straight line (with arrows) indicates that parenting styles can fall on a continuum between Too Rigid and Too Loose.

EXERCISE # 2- A:Rate your parents on their parenting style when you were growing up.

1. Write an M on the line to indicate where your Mother fell on the

continuum between Too Rigid and Too Loose.

2. Write an F on the line to indicate where your Father fell on the


3. Include other Parental Figures, as needed.

MF GM

EXERCISE # 2- B:Rate yourself on your own parenting style with your children.

1. Write your initials on the line to indicate where you fall on the


2. Write the initials of the other parental figures in your children's lives on

the line to indicate where they fall on the continuum between Too Rigid

and Too Loose.

MBF GF

Review of Exercise # 2

ASK YOURSELF:

1. Do I like where I fall on the continuum between Too Rigid

and Too Loose? ____________________________________

2. Which of my parents am I more like in my parenting style?

___________________________________________________

3. Were my parents consistent in their parenting styles?

___________________________________________________

4. Am I consistent with my partner in our parenting styles?

___________________________________________________

5. What changes am I willing to make?

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

If possible, review Exercise # 2 with your family members. See where

they think you fall on the continuum between Too Rigid and Too Loose.

If you cannot review Exercise # 2 with your family, discuss it with friends

or a support group. Compare ideas with other people to see how your family

situation compares with other families.

FAMILY ROLESWho's on First?

--Abbott & Costello

• A healthy family is a TEAM.

• Everyone on the team must contribute in order for the team to win.

• Each person on the team has a different position on the team, and each position has unique responsibilities.

• A team only succeeds when each player knows and accepts the responsibilities of his/her individual position.

• Each family member has a role and a set of responsibilities that are important to the healthy functioning of the family, as a whole.

• If every member of the family-team understands and accepts his or her responsibilities, then the family will succeed.

• Everyone should give something to the family, and everyone should get something from being a part of that family.

Exercise # 3- A

For each member of your family, write what that family member receives from being a member of your family team. (It could be as simple as food and shelter, or as abstract as love and belonging.) Mother____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Father____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Children____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Exercise # 3- BFor each member of your family, write what that family member gives back to the family. What is his/her contribution to the team? Mother____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Father____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Children________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Review of Exercise # 3

ASK YOURSELF: 1. Are some family members giving more than their fair share? If so, who? ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

2. Are some family members giving less than their fair share? If so, who? ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

3. Are some family members taking, more than they're giving? If so, who? ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

4. Are some family members getting less than they deserve? If so, who? ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

5. Is the current situation in my family fair to everyone? If not, what needs to change? ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

THE FAMILY CONTRACTIf you want to see what your children can do,

you must stop giving them things.--Norman Douglas

The following areas are covered in the Family Contract: 1. School Expectations: 2. Curfew / Bedtime: 3. Chores: 4. Money: 5. Positive Influences: 6. Negative Influences: 7. Behavior Expectations (DO's): 8. Behavior Expectations (DON'Ts): 9. Family Communication (Family Meetings) 10. Family Meals:

11. Expectations for Parents: 12. Signing the Family Contract:

FAMILY CONTRACT: name_________________ 1. School Expectations - ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________2. Curfew / Bedtime (school days / non-school days) -________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________3. Chores - ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________4. Money -________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5. Positive Influences: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________6. Negative Influences:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________7. Behavior Expectations (DO's):________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

8. Behavior Expectations (DON'Ts):________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________9. Family Communication (Family Meetings) -________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 10. Family Meals:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________11. Expectations for Parents:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ We, the undersigned, do hereby solemnly swear to abide by the conditions set forth in the above Family Contract: ___________________________ __________________________

Parent Youth ___________________________ __________________________ Parent Other ___________________________ __________________________

Witness Other ___________________________

Date

FAMILY CONTRACT: name_________________

Review of Exercise # 4:

1. Are these reasonable expectations for a child of that age?__________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Did I make the expectations clear and specific enough?__________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Did I include my child in the negotiations of the contract?__________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Did I include other important parental figures in creating the contract?__________________________________________________________________________________________

RIGHTS VS. PRIVILEGESIt is not giving children more that spoils them;it is giving them more to avoid confrontation.

--John Gray

Rights are things that should never be taken away from a human being, no matter what they do. • FOOD / WATER• SHELTER / CLOTHING• MEDICAL CARE

Privileges are special things that can be taken away from us, dependent on our behavior.Quite simply...Everything else is a privilege.

Why Use the Loss of Privilegesas Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior?

IF YOU CAN CONTROL WHAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE… AND WHAT THEY DO…YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN.

REMEMBER: They don't get what they want from you,

until after you get what you want from them.

Exercise # 5:Make a list of the privileges that your children enjoy on a regular basis.Focus on the things that are really important to them, but don't forget about the little things, too.

1.______________________________________________________________

2.______________________________________________________________

3.______________________________________________________________

4.______________________________________________________________

5.______________________________________________________________

6. ______________________________________________________________

7. ______________________________________________________________

8. ______________________________________________________________

9. ______________________________________________________________

10. _____________________________________________________________

11. _____________________________________________________________

12. _____________________________________________________________

13. _____________________________________________________________

14. _____________________________________________________________

15. _____________________________________________________________

16. _____________________________________________________________

17. _____________________________________________________________

18. _____________________________________________________________

19. _____________________________________________________________

20. _____________________________________________________________

21. _____________________________________________________________

Review of Exercise # 51. Am I able to take these privileges away from my children?____________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What will my children do if I take away their privileges?____________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How difficult will it be to "not give in"?____________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. Who can I count on to help me?____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Behavior Chart System - 3 Strikes…You're Out!1. Choose behavior goals for your child. Focus on specific things that you

want your child to do on a daily basis (i.e. follow directions, brush teeth, clean room, etc.) and things that you don’t want your child to do (i.e. back-talk, use foul language, fight with siblings, etc.). Refer back to the Family Contract (Exercise # 4) for ideas.

2. Write these goals in the long,

Behavior Chart diagonal boxes, at the top of the columns on the Behavior Chart. Start out with a few of your child's behaviors that really drive you crazy.

3. The columns are divided into 31

rows running across the page. Each row is identified by number (date of the month). Make a hash mark “I ” (strike) in the box for that date (row) and goal (column) each time your child violates that particular goal. Some goals, like Clean Room, are “all or nothing”. Other goals, like No Arguing, can earn multiple strikes in the same category. If your child receives no strikes for a particular goal during the entire day, mark that column with a “ ☺”, or a “+”, or some other mark that means “good job!”.

(Fig-3-A)

Behavior Chart System - 3 Strikes…You're Out!

4. It is very important that you tell your child when he or she is getting a strike, and also why they are getting a strike. They cannot change their behavior if they don’t know what they are doing wrong. It doesn’t hurt to ask, "Why did you get a strike?".

5. When your child gets his/her 3rd

strike in one day (combining all categories across the row), he/she loses all privileges for the rest of the day... 3 Strikes, You’re Out. The loss of privileges includes all privileges that the child considers to be important (refer back to Exercise # 5). The loss of privileges must be significant enough to motivate behavior change. The good news for the child is that each day is a new day, and they can keep all their privileges as long as their behavior is good (meaning they have less than 3 strikes).

Sample Behavior Chart 6. The Sample Behavior

Chart (Fig-3-B) shows that Jason Muldoon had two "bad" days, so far, in the month of November. He earned 3 strikes on November 1st, and 8 strikes on November 3rd. He had three "good days" of less than 3 strikes. He seems to get the majority of his strikes for not Following Directions. Notice that a child can earn more than 3 strikes in one day. An accurate count (even after a child has lost privileges) should be used to monitor overall progress, over time.

(For Exercise # 6, use the preceding instructions to make your own Behavior Chart and start using it. Be sure to make extra copies of the following blank Behavior (Fig-3-B) Chart to keep as a template.)

BEHAVIOR CHART

TROUBLE-SHOOTING & OTHER TIPSAdolescence is a period of rapid changes.

Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example,a parent ages as much as 20 years.

--Anonymous

• I tried…it didn't (won’t) work. • My child gets more than 3 strikes before the

day has hardly begun. • My child doesn’t care about getting strikes. • My child gets less than 3 strikes per day, but

is still driving me crazy. • My child has figured out that a 3rd strike in

the evening doesn’t cost him much because the day is almost over and each day is a new day.

• My spouse (ex-spouse, or other family

member) won’t help.

Other Tips for the Behavior Chart System

• To be fair, if you put one child on the chart system, you should put all of your children on it.

• Keep the Behavior Charts close at hand. • Resist the temptation to “take back” strikes. • Avoid “stacking" (giving multiple strikes for the

same incident). • Tying an allowance to the Behavior Chart can be

very effective. • Keep track of the positive. • Reward the positive.

CONSEQUENCESI'm going to stop punishing my children by saying,

”Never mind! I'll do it myself."--Erma Bombeck

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

• What will happen if you do nothing?• Natural consequences can be

effective, but sometimes too dangerous.

• Natural Consequences are not always effective…or not soon enough.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

• Consequences that you must create.• They logically relate to the problem

behavior.• They make sense.

Exercise # 7:For the following problem behaviors, write what the Natural Consequences would be (if the parent did nothing), then write possible Logical Consequences that a parent could

use.

1. BEHAVIOR: Johnny (16-years-old) frequently brings the family car

home with the gas tank on Empty.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES:__________________________________

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES:__________________________________

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

2. BEHAVIOR: Suzie (8-years-old) frequently leaves her bicycle lying

on the front yard, even when it is raining.


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

3. BEHAVIOR: Markus (12-years-old) is very difficult to wake up for school

in the morning, sometimes causing him to miss the bus.


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

4. BEHAVIOR: Amber (16-years-old) resists doing the dishes and must be

nagged numerous times. When she finally does do them,

she does not clean them well.


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

5. BEHAVIOR: Joe (17-years-old) is frequently late for his 11 PM curfew.


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

6. BEHAVIOR: Billy (5-years-old) refuses to pick up his toys from the

living room floor.


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________


___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

LOGICAL OR NATURAL CONSEQUENCE?

PARENTING CONCEPTS

While we try to teach our children all about life,our children teach us what life is about.

--Angela Schwindt • EVERY INTERACTION THAT YOU HAVE WITH YOUR

CHILDREN TEACHES THEM SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE. • CHILDREN DO NOT MAGICALLY BECOME RESPONSIBLE

ADULTS WHEN THEY TURN 18 YEARS OLD. • YOUR JOB AS A PARENT IS TO PREPARE YOUR CHILDREN FOR THE ADULT WORLD. • THE EASY WAY IS ALWAYS THE HARD WAY… IN THE LONG RUN. • CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY... THEY’RE NOT ALL WORTH FIGHTING. • MAKE SURE YOU WIN THE BATTLES YOU CHOOSE. • PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF

THEIR OWN ACTIONS CAN KEEP THEM FROM LEARNING VALUABLE LESSONS ABOUT LIFE.

• YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

Exercise # 8- A:

Below is a list of problem behaviors that many families experience.

Being totally honest, circle the number that best describes…

Your children’s behavior toward you. ________________________________________________________________ Once in Every Never a While Sometimes Often Day

Yelling.........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Swearing......1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Lying.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Name-Calling...........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9 Breaking Things...........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Disrespect…..1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Angry.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Mean.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Temper Outbursts......1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9 Bad Attitude.........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Exercise # 8- B:



Your behavior toward your children.

________________________________________________________________ Once in Every Never a While Sometimes Often Day

Yelling.........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Swearing......1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Lying.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9


Disrespect…..1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Angry.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Mean.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9


Review of Exercise # 8 (A & B)

ASK YOURSELF:

1. Am I completely satisfied with my own behavior toward my children? ______________________________________________________________________________ 2. What are the behaviors that I am willing to change, myself?_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Exercise # 8- C:



Your parents' behavior toward you. ________________________________________________________________ Once in Every Never a While Sometimes Often Day

Yelling.........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Swearing......1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Lying.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Name-Calling...........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9 Breaking Things...........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8........ ...9

Disrespect…..1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Angry.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Mean.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9


Exercise # 8- D:



Your behavior toward your parents.

________________________________________________________________ Once in Every Never a While Sometimes Often Day

Yelling.........1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Swearing......1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Lying.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9


Disrespect…..1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Angry.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9

Mean.............1...........2...........3...........4...........5...........6...........7...........8...........9


Review of Exercise # 8 (C & D)

ASK YOURSELF:

1. Were my children able to recognize and admit any of their own problem behaviors? If so, which ones?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What are the problem behaviors that my children see in me?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. Are they right? If so, am I willing to change?_______________________________________________________

tips for getting the most out of this presentation keep an open mind. give it an honest try, before...

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