the writers room (first draft)

8/11/2019 The Writers Room (First Draft)

1/30

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

DAVID [early 30s, well dressed] bikes down the street.

INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY

There are 8 writers in the room, including Nathan, Claudia, Ronald,

Oliver, Sidney, and Steven.

NATHAN [early 30s, flannel and a bow tie, Jewish] is typing something

on his laptop.

CLAUDIA [late 20s, sweatshirt, ponytail, All-American] and RONALD[early 20s, ribbed sweater and chinos, black] are talking in whispers

about something childish and unimportant.

SIDNEY [late 50s, modestly dressed] is doing a crossword puzzle.

OLIVER [early 30s, sweater vest, glasses] is meditating on the floor.

STEVEN [early 20s, red Starfleet sweater, beard and glasses] is

talking on a cellular phone (not a cell phone. A cellular phone.).

CLAUDIA

Had another blind date last night.

RONALD

How'd it go?

CLAUDIA

Another German puppeteer.

SIDNEY

(to Ronald and Claudia)

Hey guys, crossword help. 9 letter word.

To listen in on someone's conversation.

OLIVER

Eavesdrop.


2/30

SIDNEY

Ugh, Oliver, quit being such a... thank you...

DAVID TALKING HEAD

DAVID

What do I- I just talk?

CAMERAMAN

Yes sir.

DAVID

Okay... Well, first things first,

do not call me sir. It makes me thinkmy deceased father is wandering around.

(feigns laughter)

Okay, so... I ride my bike to

work every morning because it is

healthy, economical, and helps the

environment. The big three! Also,

my ex-wife took the car in

the settlement, so... its- its

actually the big four. Well...

the big three and the smaller one.(feigns laughter)

CAMERAMAN

I meant... about the show, sir...

I meant talk about the show...

DAVID

Oh... well... that information would

have been useful before I told you my

life story, huh... uh... Im the showrunner

of The Michael Ford Show. Im the giant

head behind the curtain... Oz reference...

Wizard of Oz, not the prison show... although

I'm sure there's a joke here somewhere...



3/30

David enters the scene, almost Kramer-esque.

DAVID

I've got it! Wizard... of Oz!

The other writers just stare at David with a blank expression.

DAVID

The prison show, not the... Hey, why

aren't you guys writing?

NATHAN

I am.

DAVID

(ignoring Nathan)You do realize you can start without me,

right?

STEVEN

Work? That aint my job!

RONALD

Thats funny.

Ronald and Steven high-five.

SIDNEY

Its not.

DAVID

You work here. You are supposed to

work. Thats literally your job.

Should I eve-

STEVEN

Hey, David... David.

DAVID

What?

STEVEN


4/30

Knock knock.

DAVID

This oughta be good. Whos there?

STEVEN

Shut up.

Everyone except David, Sidney, and Nathan are dying of laughter.

SIDNEY

Steven, I think you forgot the

punchline.

DAVID

Steven.

STEVEN

What?

DAVID

Knock knock.

STEVEN

Whos there?

DAVID

Youre fired.

Everyone except David and Sidney gasp.

SIDNEY

Seriously, you guys dont know

how to tell jokes.

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE

INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - DAY


5/30

Riley [early 30s, dashing but rough around the edges, small beard] is

playing video games in an extremely messy apartment, wearing nothing

but a wife beater and a pair of boxers.

Nathan enters the scene wearing velvet pajamas.

NATHAN

What th- what the hell?!

RILEY

I know what you're thinking...!

Nathan is waiting for Riley to say something else, but he continues

playing video games.

NATHAN

Are you gonna...?

RILEY

Yeah, in a sec. But first I gotta

rape this prosty.

NATHAN

She's a prostitute already. Do you

really have to rape her?

RILEYIts just a game, its not real.

NATHAN

If its not real, then give her

some of that not real credit.

RILEY

Nah... I wanna save those for a

sweeter ride...

NATHAN

Look at this place! It's a mess!

I just cleaned it up last night

after work and it already smells

like pot and...(sniffs) my Drakkar

Noir?!


6/30

RILEY

...the Drakkar Noir was supposed to

get rid of the pot smell...

Nathan sighs and goes to the refrigerator.

NATHAN

(going through the fridge)

What happened to all of the food?

RILEY

Funny story actually... I got hungry.

Oh, and the next time you go to the

supermarket, can you get more Dijon...

please?

NATHAN

You need to get a job, like, now.

RIGHT NOW.

RILEY

A job? And become a sellout?

NATHAN

Sellout?

RILEY

Yeah... I'd be like... ya know...

working and, like, serving the man

or whatever

NATHAN

Keep talking.

RILEY

What...?

NATHAN

I just think this would be, ya know,

beneficial for your stay in my

apartment.


7/30

RILEY

Ahem, our apartment

NATHAN

No, it's "our" when you pay rent.

And bills. And taxes.

RILEY

Wait... didn't you say somebody got

fired yesterday? At your sweatshop...

I mean job...

NATHAN

WHAT? NO.

RILEY

WHAT?

NATHAN

You cannot work at my job!

RILEY

What do you do again?

Nathans mouth drops.

NATHAN

You don't even know what I do!

RILEY

Well I guess I could just stay

in the apartment all day and smoke

the marijuanas and play some more

video games...

NATHAN

Fine!

Nathan goes to his room.

RILEY

YES! No, but seriously what do you


8/30

do again?

NATHAN

I write for The Michael Ford Show.

RILEY

Oh yeah, Michael Ford... Isn't that

the old guy from Community?

NATHAN

No, that's Bill Murray.

RILEY

Ah.


Ronald, Claudia, Sidney, Oliver and 3 other writers are sitting at a

table.

Ronald is sitting next to Claudia, doing a hand trick.

RONALD

Ready?

CLAUDIA

Yeah.

RONALD

Put your hands together as if you're

about to clap.

CLAUDIA

Okay.

She follows. Ronald puts his hands around her hands.

RONALD

Push your hands together as hard

as you can.


9/30

Ronald pushes his hands back together as hard as he can, and then

stops pushing.

RONALD

Now you should feel a bubble through

your hands.

CLAUDIA

Oh my god, that is so cool!

RONALD

Yeah... I guess it is...

Ronald stares at her for a moment, trying to break into the fortress

that is her mind. Ronald looks over at Sidney, who is smirking athim. She looks away and continues typing.

RONALD TALKING HEAD

RONALD

Do I like Claudia? Psh yeah,

as a friend... Shes kinda like

the light in this abyss that is

my world right now, like, after

getting kicked out of comedy clubsfor heckling the audience, you know

I- I hit rock bottom. I hit it real

hard.

COMEDY CLUB - STOCK FOOTAGE - NIGHT

Filmed on a cellphone, the image quality is that of a potato.

RONALD

...and thats why Im not allowed

within 100 yards of John Stamos.

Sporadic laughter from the audience. Ronald takes a sip from his

water bottle.

AUDIENCE MEMBER


10/30

You suck!

RONALD

What?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Get off the stage, you clown!

Youre a clown and your name is

Ronald! That makes you Ronald

McDonald!

Ronald throws his water bottle at the man.

CUT TO:

Ronald throwing much heavier objects at the audience: a stool a mic

stand etc.

RONALD

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

CUT TO:

Ronald humping the stool.

CUT TO:

Ronald farting into the microphone.CUT TO:

RONALD

(calm)

I hope you all die in car accidents.

Thanks for your time, my name is Ronald.

RONALD TALKING HEAD

RONALD

Then... somehow I got a spot

on the show, and met Claudia,

and... its been great... Did

I just tell my life story to

a camera in under a minute?

CAMERAMAN


11/30

Yeah, you people tend to do that a lot.

RONALD

... you people... ?


Nathan and Riley enter the scene.

Riley is wearing sunglasses.

NATHAN

And this is where I write.

RILEY

Good, good, goo-

Riley and Claudia see each other.

Wide eyed and wide mouthed, Riley looks into the camera and does the

'80s movie sunglasses' gag.

CLAUDIA

Oh no.

RILEYOh yes.

RONALD

Damn. I knew I should've went

to the meeting last week. I'm

so out of sync.

NATHAN

What's- what's going on here guys?

RILEY

We...

Claudia grits her teeth, as if to say "Don't you say it".

RILEY


12/30

Dated.

RONALD/CLAUDIA/NATHAN/SIDNEY

What?/Blech/Him?/I cant believe you two used to

date you seem so different in your general

appearance and behavior! Oh did... did everyone

else stop talking?

OLIVER

Do you have any... stories? Of...

you and Princess Claudia... shagging?

NATHAN

(quiet)

Dial it back, Austin Powers.

Riley plops himself in Stevens old seat. This is now his permanent

seat.

RILEY

Oh... (cracks knuckles) Ive got

stories. Stories thatll make you goHuh? What? Oh god! No!

Everyone except Claudia and Ronald are intrigued.

RILEY

But first... I need snacks.

A bag of popcorn pops into frame.

OLIVER TALKING HEAD

OLIVER

Oh, I have popcorn all over the place.

Oliver reaches under his seat and its a bag of popcorn. He proceeds

to munch on said popcorn.


13/30

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY

David enters the scene, to see a bunch of men removing the door from

Michael Ford's dressing room.

DAVID

What's going on?

MAN

Mr. Ford won't come out of his dressing room.

The men remove the door. David enters. Slouched over in the corner ofhis dressing room isMICHAEL FORD [early 50s, sport coat, jeans]. His

glasses are hanging off the side of his face and are broken. He jumps

up as soon as he sees David.

MICHAEL

David! Youve come here to save me!

Michael hugs David.

DAVIDYeah... something like that.

Michael, whats going on?

Michael picks up a script.

MICHAEL

Can ya believe this?!

Michael tosses the script at David.

MICHAEL

Can you believe the material

these hacks have me working with?

They want me to wear a dress!

DAVID

I thought it was pretty funny...


14/30

MICHAEL

I DONT DO PHYSICAL COMEDY.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL

Yeah, I was famous for doing

physical comedy back in the 70s

and 80s.

INT. OLD TV SHOW SET - STOCK FOOTAGE

The image quality is low, a little bit better than a VHS tape.

MICHAELWelcome to The Michael Ford Show!

Michael slips on a banana peel, which is conveniently lying 3

inches away from his foot. The audience dies of laughter. Michael

V8s himself in the head.

MICHAEL

Aw noodles!

Laughing intensifies.


MICHAEL

But I got sick of the fame

and the money and the bitches,

and trust me, there were

money and bitches a plenty...

so I left and I... found myself.

CUT TO:

Michael dancing, having a grand ol time with Native Americans.

MICHAEL

(V.O.)

I coasted off the islands of Belize,

and I lived with the Natives. Good


15/30

people.

CUT TO:

The Native Americans riding away in their truck with a tied-up white

man and Michael, clapping, in the back.

MICHAEL

But then money got tight...

CUT TO:

The Natives pickpocketing Michael.

CUT TO:


MICHAEL

I came back to star in my own TV show.

But I can not deal. I mean, they want

me to wear a dress! In Belize we had a

saying. Babocoa Zu. Meaning: One does

not walk in the light without shadow...

I am now starting to think that maybe I

was not in Belize... Where was I...?

INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM - DAY

DAVID

What do you mean you dont do

physical comedy?

MICHAEL

I mean I am PHYSICALLY OVER physical comedy,

David! I am old and my body is fragile.

I did my own stunts, ya know. My point,

David, is that I dont do physical comedy

anymore. My humor is much more subtle now.

DAVID

Subtle?

CUT TO:


16/30


Michael is walking through the studio, with a smile on his face.

MICHAEL

What a wonderful day it is.

Michael walks past an overweight Latino gentleman.

MICHAEL

Whoa, take it easy on the Taco Bell

okay guy? Haha! Right? Cause youre fat AND

Mexican. Haaaa, no but seriously buddy thats

not okay. Get a gym membership.

Ronald, walking, bumps into Michael.

MICHAEL

Whoa Nelly!

RONALD

Sorry, Mr. Ford. Ready to steal the show?

MICHAEL

Yeah, not unless you steal it first!

RONALD

What?

MICHAEL

In the hood...

Ronald is angry. Michael mistakes his anger for confusion.

MICHAEL

WITH YOUR GANGS.

INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM - DAY

DAVID

Be that as it may, the network is

really pushing for physical comedy,

as it can reach a wider audience,


17/30

so thats what were going for here.

So-

MICHAEL

But David! Im smart! I went to a

two year college in Connecticut

that specialized in birdhouse making!

I can make birdhouses, David! Birdhouses!

DAVID

Look, Ill make you a deal. You wear

the dress and you can make all the

subtle jokes that you want. Deal?

MICHAEL

... Deal...

David turns to leave.

MICHAEL

You know, Davey, we should hang out

sometime.

DAVID

Ooh, I dont know, buddy, Im booked

all month. Super busy.

MICHAEL

(laughs)

No youre not.

David leaves, offended and confused as to how Michael knew that.


Riley is telling stories to the writers. Nathan is

horrified/fascinated, Claudia and Ronald are shown to be very

uncomfortable, and Oliver is eating popcorn.

RILEY

And I was like (high pitched voice)

No! Stop! Im just a little boy!


18/30

and she was like (deep voice)

"Put it there and shut up!"

Ronald stares at Claudia, who is embarrassed and ashamed of herself,

more than Riley.

Riley looks over at Claudia, with a wide grin on his face.

RILEY

Isn't that right, Claudia?

On the verge of tears, Claudia runs out of the room.

RONALD

Claudia!

Ronald stands up halfway before realizing he has a visitor and sits

back down. Sidney runs after Claudia.

SIDNEY

Claudia!

Ronald, Nathan, Riley, and Oliver sit there for a moment, just to

gather their thoughts.

OLIVER(to Riley)

Do you mind if I make you the protagonist

of my graphic novel?

David enters the scene.

DAVID

Hey guys!

RILEY

Hi.

DAVID

Oh you must be the new guy! Hi,

I'm David Berman. I'm your boss.

David and Riley shake hands.


19/30

RILEY

(nervous wide-eyed)

Hi, Mr. Bear-Man... my name's

Riley... Riley... (panicked)

What's my last name? Oh no!

Did I say that out loud?!

David and Riley are still shaking hands.

David politely lets go of Riley's hand.

DAVID

We'll work on it.

RILEY

Thank you.

DAVID

I like you. I like you a lot.

I like you so much... I'm

promoting you to my #2!

NATHAN

What?! David! I've wanted thatjob for years!

DAVID

Well I think Riley has the

ingenuity and the integrity

that this show needs. I mean,

you did give me his application...

right?

NATHAN

...Right...

Nathan walks out. He's not even mad, he's just done.

DAVID

Welcome, Riley. Oliver!

Move your things out of


20/30

Rileys new office!

Oliver is eating an apple when he hears this news. He crunches into

his apple, sad. The crunch of the apple brings us to the end of Act

Two.

END OF ACT TWO

INT. RileyS OFFICE - NIGHT

Riley is playing guitar/singing.

RILEY

(singing)

I like hot ladies/I like them alot/I likethem more than cookies.

Claudia enters the room.

CLAUDIA

Hey youre a jerk. You

know that?

RILEY

No I did not know that.Is that a popular opinion?

CLAUDIA

You didnt have to tell everyone

our business. Now everybody knows

my kinks and what have you!

RILEY

(murmuring)

Sorry.

CLAUDIA

What was that?

RILEY

(a bit loud)

Im sorry.


21/30

CLAUDIA

Huh?!

Riley slams his hands on his desk and stands up.

RILEY

Im sorry!

CLAUDIA

I know!

Claudia rolls her eyes and storms out. Riley tries to process what

just happened.

RILEYOh very funny!

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

Ronald is sitting in a lawn chair, on the roof, sparkler in hand,

watching over the city. Nathan enters the scene.

NATHAN

Hey.

RONALD

Hey Nathan. Howd you know this was

my thinking spot?

NATHAN

You have a thinking spot?

RONALD

I told you that in confidence!

NATHAN

You told me that, not even 5 seconds ago.

RONALD

I believe you...


22/30

Ronald pulls up another chair for Nathan. Nathan shakes his head,

realizing the ridiculousness of all this. Nathan takes a seat.

Silence.

NATHAN

Kirk or Picard?

RONALD

Kirk. You?

NATHAN

Picard.

RONALD

Nerd.

INT. RileyS OFFICE - NIGHT

Riley is sitting in his office, drinking tea. Oliver is standing in

the corner, observing. Riley notices him noticing him.

RILEY

You want some?

OLIVER

Oh... because Im BritishI must love tea! Let me tell you

something! Not all of us Brits

talk posh and drink tea okay?!

RILEY

Okay...

OLIVER

... oh now where the FUCK is my

mobile?

Oliver storms off, presumably in search of his mobile (phone).

RILEY

Oliver, Im sorry!

OLIVER


23/30

I know!

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

Nathan and Ronald are still sitting on the roof. Nathan notices

Ronald sitting there, all mopey.

NATHAN

Whats got ya down, chum?

Silence.

NATHAN

Is it a girl?

More silence.

NATHAN

Is it...?

Ronald sees Claudia entering.

RONALD

Claudia!

CLAUDIAHey.

RONALD

Are you okay?

CLAUDIA

I should be fine...

RONALD

Thats good.

CLAUDIA

But Im not!

(cries)

Such tears, much sadness. Ronald gives Claudia a hug. Nathan goes to

comfort them both. Oliver enters and witnesses this scene.


24/30

OLIVER

Ooh, group hug! Are we group

hugging it?!

ALL

No!

Oliver proceeds to join the group hug anyway. Riley enters the scene.

ALL

BOOOOOOOO!!!!

RILEY

I just came up hereto see if Oliver was

okay.

OLIVER

No, I am not okay, Riley.

You hurt me. Very, very

badly.

CLAUDIA

All aboard the Riley hate train,say Aye.

OLIVER

Aye.

RONALD

Aye.

NATHAN

... Aye.

RILEY

(shocked)

Et tu Nathan?



25/30

Michael, dressed in a nicer suit than before, knocks on Michaels

dressing room door.

DAVID

Come on Michael! Showtime! Lets go!

Michael opens the door, halfway.

MICHAEL

Hey David buddy, I know we came to an

agreement and everything, but Im having

some... pre-show jitters.

DAVID

Aha nice try, Michael. Open up.

David forces his way into Michaels dressing room. He immediately

regrets this decision. He smells an awful smell.

DAVID

Holy Mary, mother of God.

Michael, what is that smell?

MICHAEL

I peed, David. I peed and I pooped.

Help me!

DAVID

What?

Michael reaches for David, causing David to freak out.

DAVID

Ew, gross. Don't touch

me, you dirty bum!

MICHAEL

WHAT?

DAVID TALKING HEAD

DAVID

When I was nineteen,I had a very


26/30

brief stint working at an old folks

home. There was... so much pee... but

the amount of poop... still gives me

nightmares. That was my Vietnam...


DAVID

Okay look, I think I've got a solution

for these pre-show jitters.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

David and Michael in a bar. David, shirtless, is in the middle of

being told a story by Michael, who is wearing a dress.

MICHAEL

... and thats why Im not allowed

within 100 yards of Bob Saget.

David laughs. The barkeeper walks up with a shirt for David. David

puts on the shirt. In big bright letters, on the shirt is written MY

LITTLE PONY.

DAVIDThanks, Maurice.

MAURICE

Friendship is magic.

Maurice walks away. Michael and David take sips of their scotch and

whiskey, respectively.

MICHAEL

Look at us, David, hanging out.

Like friends... or play cousins.

David chuckles.

MICHAEL

Im a failure.


27/30

DAVID

What?

MICHAEL

Look at me, David, Im in a

goddamn dress, sitting in a

goddamn bar, half an hour til

goddamn midnight.

Silence. Michael slams his glass on the table.

MICHAEL

Goddamn!

David is goddamn scared.

MICHAEL

Sorry, Davey. Its just...

I have to be this way. I

have to be... difficult.

If Im not... no one will

pay attention to me.

David downs his drink before slamming his glass on the table.

DAVID

Nobody paying attention to you?!

Silence.

DAVID

Michael... Im the showrunner

of a comedy show that can barely

keep its head above water! Nobody

cares. When people watch my sho-

your show, rather... theyre not

gonna go That David Berman. He sure is

an excellent writer. Theyre gonna go

Michael Ford. Wow. What a great actor.

Silence.


28/30

MICHAEL

... Lets not make this all about you.

David grits his teeth and downs Michaels drink for him.

DAVID

Wait, did you say it was a half hour

til midnight?

CUT TO:

David and Michael biking to the studio. Michael, holding on for dear

life as his hair blows in the wind.

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

Riley, Ronald, Claudia, Nathan, and Oliver are still on the rooftop.

RILEY

Nathan, how could you betray me?

NATHAN

You robbed me of that position!

RILEY

I didnt want this! It just happened!

Nathan... youre my best friend.

CLAUDIA

Hes using friendship to invoke

forgiveness!

RILEY

Friendship is magic.

NATHAN

Hes right.. friendship is

magic. Bring it in here.

Riley gives Nathan a hug.

RILEY

Group hug, group hug.


29/30

Ronald and Oliver join in on the hug.

CLAUDIA

Really? It was that easy?

Enter Sidney.

SIDNEY

Ew. Boys.

The boys make their way back down to the writers room.

CLAUDIA

I feel cheated.

SIDNEYI feel left out.

CLAUDIA

Do you think itll always be this way?

SIDNEY

Nah... Im sure theyll warm up to me

eventually...

Claudia walks away. Sidney is in her own little world.

SIDNEY

Just you wait...

Sidney looks directly into the camera, with a knowing glance.

INT. STUDIO - NIGHT

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Give it up for the star

of The Michael Ford Show...

Michaellllllll Foooooooord!

David and Michael arrive just in time. Michael powders his nose and

makes his cheeks all rosy, and puts on a brown wig and lipstick.

Michael comes out to a round of applause. David watches on. Claudia,

Nathan, Ronald, Riley, and Oliver join him.


30/30

DAVID

This is gonna be one hell of a show.

MICHAEL

(womanly British voice)

Hello, everybody! Michael couldnt

make it this evening, so he asked

me to fill in! Im your host...

Susan Boyle!

David flips the pages of his script, maniacally and furiously.

RONALD

Were all going to hell.

END OF SCRIPT

the writers room (first draft)

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