the vent magazine feb 2013

3www.TheVentNation.com [email protected]

Well Corpus Christinos, I once again find myself separated from my spouse. I will spare you all the sad details… who did what first… which act was more inappropriate… whose hate for the other runs deeper… actually, it’s probably hers. The important thing to remember is that the last 15 years was not a waste of time, it was school. A**hole school… I learned some lessons, and I even taught a few. We had a few guest professors, that’s never fun, but hey, it turns out I’m a natural. I graduated a**hole college with honors, only I’m the one who looks like a derelict Joe Pesci.

AHHHHHHHH! I’m 32 and I feel like I know nothing about life, and this is starting to sound like the voice over from a movie I would never watch. I need a plan… OK.1. Be a great dad. Be at least a better dad than mine.2. Lose some weight. It’s an understatement to say I have let myself go.3. This step has been omitted incase my kids ever read this.4. Make some money with this magazine. 5. Repeat step 36. Get some real writing done.7. Repeat step 3 with two [OMITTED] at the same time.

That’s a start, what do you say CC let’s get to work on this ASAP.

-Will Vent

Wake Up & Figure It Out by William Henneberger

V

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Dear Scabby, As you well know Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and well, I would really like to get my girls a special treat that’ll make them feel loved. This treat will need to be affordable so all my girls can get some lovin’, as they wander the streets greeting new johns on this special day. Please help! Love, Bigg Daddy B

Scabby on Valentine’s Day

V

If you aren’t a seasoned expert, getting the right V-day gift for your whores can be stressful.

Remember, getting the right gift isn’t always about giving someone something; sometimes the best present is something you don’t give. For example, almost every night my pimp takes us girls out back for our nightly beating. But every February 14th, he gets drunk and crashes early. I guess he’s a romantic after all.

Of course, in order for this to work you need to make sure you already apply a healthy dose of nightly physical abuse. So if this won’t work for you this year, start the beatings tonight, and by the time Christmas rolls around you won’t have to worry about spending a dime.

Let’s say you are not the “hands on” type… but you still want to get your girls a little something. For about $4 you can get a case of 7-Up and split them up between your girls. 7-Up is the go-to hooker healer. In a fix, we can use it to clean out our pink parts, hey, if it works on crusty old car battery, it’ll work on my crusty old intake manifold, or even my exhaust pipe. As we all know 7-up works great for an upset stomach, which as you can imagine is a regular part of the job. Of course, it’ll even supply you with a quick sugar rush to help you make it to the next crack-rock. If all else fails, you can keep things cheap and simple with a nice new pearl necklace.


In what has become an all to familiar story, KRIS, the low-rated local news station, has bumbled yet another at-tempt to make waves in the Corpus Christi media market.

This time the failure comes at a high price, putting

their anchor, Jennifer Lira, out of commission and off the air for at least 3 months.

In an attempt to com-pete with the KIII sponsored pregnancy of Katia Uriarte, as well as the birth of her off-spring, KRIS impregnated

their anchor who has also now given birth to one of the lowest rated babies in televi-sion history.

Jennifer Lira, who has always been seen as a team player released the following statement: “As I

look into the eyes of this lovely thing, I know now that my purpose in life is to do whatever it takes… to move mountains if nec-essary, even brutalize my body in order to entice 13-18 year old female view-ers, and the best way to do that was to relate to them directly with this pregnan-cy.” Originally the sta-tion had planned for a May sweeps delivery, but after Katia gave birth, the deci-sion was made to induce at the next possible date.

“While, Baby Lira did win his time slot, the over all ratings were very disap-pointing,” explained Barbara Beresford, Director of News Brands and Marketing at KRIS. “Baby Katia scored off the charts in all the key dem-os, rating an 85% share in fe-males 24-35… That is simply unheard of in the baby rat-ings industry.”

“In hindsight, we should not have lead with the story,” Beresford contin-ued. “We may have increased viewership by 20% if we had hammocked it between Weather and Sports.”

The total cost of this sweeps debacle came to over $47,000 in medical bills, in-cluding everything from deliv-ery costs, to a hefty regimen of vaginal rejuvenation.

While Katia has re-mained silent on the matter of this rival infant, Joe Gazin was overheard saying that “…they wouldn’t beat us out in the rat-ings even if Jennifer Lira ate her own baby live at 10pm at a high school football game…” The KZTV station own-er told sources that, while such an act has not yet been dis-cussed with Lira, they are will-ing to do whatever is needed in order to hike up the price of commercial spots even a few pennies. V

KRIS’s Jennifer Lira Births Low Ratings Babyby William Henneberger

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90 Proof-Exec. Surf ClubAlice In Wonderland & Other Works 730pm-Amer. Bank Cntr.Dragon-Macaw’sTamucc Islanders Men’s Basketball Vs Nicholls 730pm-Amer. Bank Cntr.Tamucc Islanders Women’s Basketball Vs. Nicholls State 5pm-Amer. Bank Cntr.The Wizard Of Oz 730pm -Harbor Playhouse


How long has it been since you’ve seen a play? No, really. How long? When approaching the subject of theatre, whether it be musical or otherwise, one can assume that most people have been to a play of some kind. Right? !? So, I asked my roommate. “Have you ever been to a play? Like, in a theatre?” “Not since high school…I was in it. I was the lead in Harvey. It was tight,” he responded. I decided to call a few more people, they all had the same thing to say, either “No, but I want to…,” or “Yes, and it was awesome.” After making plans to go see a musical, I started my research. It turns out most plays are expensive, but everyone agrees that they are always a blast. That’s why it’s excit-ing that Corpus Christi is not only embracing theatre, but it’s embracing our wallets as well, (a mere 30 dol-lars, which is a rare find in the world of THEATAH!!!) But who is in the play and what is it called YO? (I like to pretend you the reader, are actually Jesse from Breaking Bad.) It’s Scandalous! No, for real. The title of the play is “scandalous”, not just the plot. If the production lives up to the title, we’re all in for a treat! In case you were also wondering, here is the description, according to Star Entertainment: “A triangle of love, jealously and deceit destroys years of friend-ship and relationships as the truth unfolds of secrets which lie within this small community.

Alexis believes that her mar-riage to Collin is strong. Her affection for him over powers her mind and takes full control of her life which will never be the same. One night of deceit changes the lives and the in-nocent commit to murder.” Created by Corpus Christi-an LaRaine Duhart, the production also boasts an all-star cast, and fea-tures the likes of Gary “lil G” Jen-kins, of Madea’s Family Reunion. With three platinum albums under his belt for his work with his group Silk, and over 5 million records sold, as well as a full time touring schedule with his current R&B group Blayse, it’s an appealing lineup that is well worth the trip to Selena Auditorium on March 9th. In addition to Jenkins, Scan-dalous also stars Larrissa Chapa, who fittingly starred as “Selena” in the stage play at the young age of ten. Since then, Chapa has gone on to Miss Corpus Christi Idol, and was invited to sing the national anthem before the Houston Texan’s game. The young star has paved a way for herself performing as Selena, and will return for her role in yet another scandalous, (pun intended), produc-tion. The performance begins at 7pm on March 9th, with tickets avail-able for purchase at participating HEB’s, as well as online at Ameri-canBankCenter.com If you’re like me, it’s been way too long since you’ve treated yourself to a play. Do it. Hope to see you there! V

Scandalous March 9th, Selena Auditorium

by Kat McCloud


“Where do you think you’ll be five years from now?”My aunt asked me that once when I was having a panic attack over

the idea of possibly losing my liberal arts degree because I’m a terrible stu-dent. I remember thinking, “Probably failing somewhere else.”

Then you meet people who tell you otherwise. They say that in a mat-ter of years, months, weeks, even seconds, their whole life changed, and it can happen to you too. Typically, these stories are something tragic...but once in a while, someone has a story that makes you believe that it IS possible to be somewhere in five years that you never imagined...and you love it.

Anjelah Johnson made me believe. Before I interviewed her, I was in a state of doubt...interestingly enough, about comedy, and whether or not it would ever really pay off the way I want it too.

See, I’m a struggling comedian, (so to speak), and Anjelah, well, she’s polished, professional, and has a fantastic stand up special on Netflix, as well as plans for another in the works. In my brain, all comics are bitter and pissed...like me. They are mildly resentful toward themselves, and their sto-ries of how they came to be are riddled with tragedy.

To hear Anjelah’s story was a breath of fresh air. She is literally, the American Dream, and within a few short years, she took over Football, Comedy, Television, and even Taco Cabana. She did it all while maintaining healthy relationships with friends and family, and not once in the interview did I detect a hint of insincerity. It takes a strong woman to survive the fierce world of stand up comedy, and an even stronger woman, like Anjelah, to redefine it. The following is our interview, a few days before Christmas:

Sugar & Spice and Everthing Anjelah Johnson

by KatMcCloud


Tell us about your first special: It was four years into my career, and I was

still very new. When we pitched it, I had this crazy fan base, a really loyal following in Houston. Of all the traveling I had done, for some reason Houston, always treated me like a hometown girl. They would just show up in groups. So when I was approached about it, I said, “I wanna shoot my special in Hous-ton. Definitely.” The crowd was amazing, and I was so happy with how it turned out. I couldn’t have asked for a better crowd.

2005 (The Beginning of her Career): I took a joke writing stand up comedy class

at a church because they told me it was free. That was actually the first thing I asked them, “Is it Free? Then YES.” It was a church in L.A., which is very industry based, packed with lots of actors, directors, and so on. It was called “Creative Art Night Tuesday”, and it was run by a woman named Lisa Alverado who of-fered a joke writing stand up comedy class. She had asked if I wanted to take her class so like I said, it’s free...I’m down.

Mad TV: That was a strange time because the Writers

strike was going on, but I was still grateful. It hap-pened because of one of the first jokes I wrote from the Joke writing class. At the end of the class, you get to perform at the comedy club, and my closing joke was the nail salon joke, which immediately put me on the map when it was put on Youtube. Before long I had a manager, an agent, an audition for Mad TV...then BOOM. I booked it. I was only in a few epi-sodes, because of budget cuts, (Me.) But it ended up being great because I got to introduce Bon Qui Qui!

On “Bon Qui Qui”- This character came from so many people

I’ve met in my life here and there. I tried to put them all together into one girl. Honestly, I get most of her from my brother, who is ghetto fabulous. Bon Qui Qui is mostly him, and a girl from a drive thru in Memphis who just....well, let’s just say she totally changed my life.

On Family: Me and my siblings are very close we are all

kind of like besties. There are four of us, and an older brother we don’t really talk to, hehe. Kenny is my ghetto fabulous brother, [the inspiration for Bon Qui Qui], who also does my hair now. He does the weave for Bon Qui Qui too, and LOVES that he is a part of it all. Other than that, I’m pretty normal. My parents divorced when I was eight, but it’s fine, I have a huge and supportive family, full of a lot of love and a lot of hair dressing!

Is Anjelah the funniest in her family? No, my brother Kenny is definitely. He’s just

like Bon Qui Qui. He’s so amazing. He just says stuff people wish they can say, with no filter. I wish I could do that. At first people are kind of offended, then

they go, “Well, I was thinking it too so I can’t say anything.” But, if you put him in front of too many people, he’ll clam up. I bring him to parties and he’s so quiet. Definitely not the performer, but if you get him around friends, he’s incredible.

On being a Woman in Comedy: I actually just did an interview about women

in comedy, I feel like some are funny and some are not, some male comics are funny and some are not. If somebody would announce me with “okay, it’s a girl now”...It won’t bother me...I’m still gonna do me.... but I get it. I get how people are used to thinking of a man when they think of stand up comedy, and it’s go-ing to take some changing. Times change and things evolve. We’re starting to become more gay-friendly, years ago, that would have never been accepted. That’s kind of why with the hour special; I wanted to focus on a female tour in a man’s world. I even used a female dj. My dancers were an all female breakdanc-ing crew. I just kind of wanted to highlight women.... but to do it well and to empower women.

Future Plans: I Just finished my second hour special in San

Jose in April, and am still in negotiations of where it’s gonna go on TV. There is not really any offical word of where it’s gonna land, but Netflix for sure. The main focus was kind of like how I’ve evolved over the past four years....I’m married now and I talk about my husband a little bit

Structure: It’s always been kind of story telling but

more structure in the beginning....the rule of three....misdirection.....all these other tricks in joke writing...I think they are good to know or have in the back of your mind and I feel like maybe I was already do-ing them anyway, but I didn’t know that’s what they were. So I feel like those techniques were good for me to keep in the back of my mind....but I was kind of keepin myself to those rules...in the beginning I’m following a lesson plan, now I’m just relying on my instincts...and if I can’t get a joke right, I will default to my structures..... “let me find a rule of three in here, or a structure”.

Crazy Fan Experiences? Everybody gets the drunk weirdoes and

hecklers. Once, in Houston, just randomly....this guy in the front row just stood up, and was just staring at me. Right in the front, right in the middle. “Uhhhh....may I help you? Do you want a hug or something?” “Yah, can I get a hug?” “No, you can’t have a hug!” He got kicked out....

Favorite Music/Pre Show Ritual/Husband: Pandora fan!!! I’ll just put it on shuffle be-

fore a show. I like to listen to music that makes me dance... Not necessarily crazy techno music...stuff that makes me groove...loosen up, ya know? Before a show sometimes I’ll also listen to my husbands band Group 1 Crew. I like to listen to their stuff, it came out in December, the new album. It’s called “Fear-less”, and sometimes when I’m getting ready to go to bed, I’ll need to fill time. There’s a long regimen, it’s boring getting ready for bed, and it takes forever, such a “To Do”. So sometimes, after the show I listen to R &B to wind down. I also went through a Span-ish speaking tapes phase to learn Spanish. I would use that as my jam...It’s been a few years since I’ve used it.

On Being the Taco Cabana Girl: You know, I didn’t grow up in Texas, and it’s

a Texas chain, so I wasn’t familiar with it. The Taco Cabana people asked if I wanted to be their girl, and I was worried and decided to wait and see. Then when I was actually in Texas, I went to go taste the food and see if I even like it and still didn’t give them my answer, but had talked to my buddy Nick Gonzalez who freaked out. He yelled, “It’s the SPOT! After the Football Games!” That’s the place I would have gone too... so after that I began to establish a relationship with the company. I absolutely love the food, it’s deli-cious. V


Anniversaries are typically full of nos-talgia, relaxing evenings involving some sort of dinner with your loved one, or if you are most of us…a fight. So rarely, does such an occasion warrant the reinvented “Beefcake the Mighty”, (or one of the many Beefcakes*), of the almighty holy lords of metal GWAR, with his butthole shattering group Mobile Death-camp. Fortunately, Corpus Christi’s relation-ship with Zero’s ended up being more than a one night f***….oh this saucy couple has been together 27 years, and they aren’t afraid to cel-ebrate their union with a shitload of you guys! That’s right! February 15th, you are invited to witness the bloodbath that is Zero’s 27th an-niversary show with none other than Mobile DeathCamp, featuring Todd Evans of Gwar! You would think this would be the highlight of the month, but you are totally wrong. See, there used to be this thing called “The 90’s”, and if you grew up in that era, you might remember the Three Little Pigs? No…not the fairy tale. The song. By Green Jello. You know, the band that commonly was called “Green Jelly”, but who gave a fuck because it was the 90’s and you could do stuff like that? Yes, that band of long-haired hooligans with sweaters around their waists, screaming out lyrics taken directly from a nursery rhyme, often featured on the timeless television show

“Beavis and Butthead”. That’s the one. Green Jello sits in a class of very few bands that arose in the early nineties, (although formed in 1981, they peaked heavily almost a decade later, which this author maintains is possibly because they were ahead of their time), among the likes of bands like the Violent Femmes, Butthole Surfers, and Ween. Green Jello was, and much like the latter still are, a comedic break from mainstream crud. They are amusing, delightful, and also will-fully skilled at their instruments, often trading in showy shit, for a more degrading take on metal/punk/rock, in other words…this band makes music it’s bitch. Yes, Green Jello has returned to Corpus Christi and they will be at Zero’s within THREE DAYS of Mobile Death-camp. Considering the anniversary of the union of Zero’s and this fabulous city, it wouldn’t surprise anyone if the two teamed up in a union of their own…. Jello Deathcamp?!? Too soon? So mark your calendars folks, be-cause this is the month of Metal you’ve all been praying for. (Unless you’re too metal to pray, in which case, this is the month of Metal you don’t believe in.) Just remember Feb. 15th- An-niversary Show! Feb. 18th- Green Jello!!! If you aren’t there, you will probably regret it for the rest of your life. Also, congratulations Zero’s!

27 years x Zeros = 1 Kick Ass Anniversaryby Kat McCloud

V

the vent magazine feb 2013

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