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The Traps of Nonviolent Communication
How to Use Nonviolent Communication to Get to the Place
You Have Always Wanted to Go.
by Kendra Gettel
Text Copyright © 2013 Kendra Gettel
All rights reserved.
Printout permitted for personal, noncommercial use.
Published by Agentur für Innere Freiheit (Agency for Inner Freedom),
Balingen, Germany 2014.
www.agentur-innere-freiheit.d
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Table of contents
Preface ............................................................................................................................................................ 6 Acknowledgements.................................................................................................................................11 I. A short introduction into Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg..........................................................................................................................................................................12 The four steps............................................................................................................................................14 Empathy.......................................................................................................................................................16 II. Personal experiences with NVC...............................................................................................18 III. The Traps ...........................................................................................................................................22 1st Trap: You Have to See it My Way..........................................................................................24 Does the observation need to be shared by both?.....................................................................25 What is it about for me? ........................................................................................................................26 Ways out ......................................................................................................................................................27 2nd Trap: But It’s Your Fault Anyway .......................................................................................31 It’s all about the interpretation..........................................................................................................31 What drives me?.......................................................................................................................................32 The comedy super star: me!................................................................................................................33 3rd Trap: I need .....................................................................................................................................36 The effect of our thoughts ....................................................................................................................36 Do I really lack anything? .....................................................................................................................37 Fulfilled needs depend on your point of view.............................................................................38 The mind wants to prove itself ..........................................................................................................39 I don’t need – I already have!..............................................................................................................39 4th Trap: I Need From You...............................................................................................................42 I am the key factor...................................................................................................................................42 Only I can change my self-‐image .......................................................................................................43 5th Trap: I am worried about you ...............................................................................................45 Old patterns feel so comfortable .......................................................................................................45 Totally selfless?.........................................................................................................................................46
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Who do I really worry about?.............................................................................................................47 6th Trap: I Am Able to Help You ...................................................................................................51 Coming from the heart or pushed by fear?...................................................................................52 Your misfortune is my fault.................................................................................................................53 What am I doing? .....................................................................................................................................54 Willingness .................................................................................................................................................56 7th Trap: Pseudo empathy ..............................................................................................................59 Form versus content...............................................................................................................................59 Disconnected from one’s self ..............................................................................................................61 Peace wanted.............................................................................................................................................63 I am so empathic ......................................................................................................................................64 Clearing the jungle...................................................................................................................................65 8th Trap: What Is Your Problem? I Am Only Living NVC! ..............................................68 A formally correct example? ...............................................................................................................69 Everyone is playing his role ................................................................................................................70 What do I want from you?....................................................................................................................72 Following your heart..............................................................................................................................73 9th Trap: My Need Will Be Met the Way I Tell You ............................................................75 Out of the head – into the connection!............................................................................................75 The intention behind the request .....................................................................................................77 10th Trap: It’s Only A Strategy! .....................................................................................................80 Inner signposts .........................................................................................................................................81 11th Trap: Pain? No, Thank You! .................................................................................................84 Violence: nothing more normal than that .....................................................................................84 Repressed pain prevents connection..............................................................................................87 Freedom is possible ................................................................................................................................88 IV. The Mother of All Traps: I Want War! ................................................................................90 Distance gives me safety.......................................................................................................................90 Fighting with others – why?................................................................................................................91 The myth of the repulsive self ............................................................................................................92 V. The Key to Freedom: Self-love..................................................................................................94 The way out of all traps.........................................................................................................................94
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Onto the truth............................................................................................................................................97 We have the choice..................................................................................................................................98 Cultivating our inner strength: Nourish the garden of love ...............................................100 Self-‐love applied ....................................................................................................................................100 IV. Conclusion .......................................................................................................................................103 Bibliography............................................................................................................................................104 About the author ...................................................................................................................................106 List of references and comments ...................................................................................................107
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Preface
I have to warn you. This book is not a perfect one and it is written by a less-than-
perfect human being. If you are looking for the perfect person to tell you how to get out of
your trouble, I am the wrong one.
But if you want to unearth and release your wrong and disabling beliefs about yourself
and others, find your true Self and learn to live from your heart, then I am at your side.
Are you haunted by the impression that you have already tried everything?
With motivation and enthusiasm have you read books, been to seminars and have
really given your best to communicate in a "nonviolent" way? Have you been driven by
the true intention to improve the relationships in your life – with your partner, your family,
your co-workers or your friends. But you still have that feeling of hitting an invisible wall?
Perhaps what looked so easy when Marshall Rosenberg was doing it, so convincing
during the role plays in workshops and sounded totally clear in those books just isn’t
working in your life? At least, not in those relationships that truly matter to you?
If this sounds true to you, you are most likely unnerved, exhausted and doubting
yourself. And there may be anger towards the others who unfortunately do not behave
like the ideal partners in role plays, workshops and books, but stubbornly keep driving
you crazy – and are totally unimpressed by all your efforts. Well, it wouldn’t be surprising
if you were about to give up. But surely you have not yet, because deep down inside you
hunger far too much for a real change, for a new quality in your relationships which is
marked by mutual understanding, consideration and care. You are not willing to settle for
what you have. You long to live a joyful and fulfilling life.
I would like to confirm to you that what is driving you is absolutely valid and leading
you to the right direction. What you are looking for exists. It is waiting for you, and you
will find it.
The only thing is: Getting that is a much longer and more challenging path than we
first suppose. We think we can do it, if we just visit a few classes and read a couple more
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books. Or at the latest, after the year-long intensive training, right? Well, surely we’ll get
it after the next 10-day-retreat!
What we are absolutely unaware of (and that might be better to get us started) is that
before us lays a long path of transformation which requires all our endurance and
willingness to surrender.
So please do not despair if everything seems so difficult. If you are serious about your
goal, you will reach it. All you need is a consistent change within yourself. I say this not
to put you off. I merely want to let you know that you have chosen the biggest challenge
life has to offer. Therefore it is normal to have the impression that you are supposed to
learn an exotic language, far too difficult to even try. But no, it is possible. However, you
won’t get anywhere if you only try to be “nonviolent” once in a while in a situation here or
there and apart from that continue as before. The trick lies in practising again and again
and to let reacting nonviolently become a habit which underlies every moment of your
day.
And when you start, this is everything but easy. Our society is dominated by a
countless number of thinking and behavior patterns that alienate us from ourselves and
each other and that lead to conflicts. This is the beginning of violence. Have you ever
had the opportunity to watch a small child and how eagerly it imitates the adults around
himself? Isn’t is actually heartbreaking to see, how hard it is trying to be like them? And
so have we copied the people around us. By doing so, we have adopted a lot of stuff that
is unfortunately in our way when it comes to creating relationships and a satisfying life.
We are influenced by such old patterns through and through, and it can’t be any different
than that, because we simply lack examples about how it could be different. We didn’t
have any back then.
If you have grown up in a place where different groups were fighting each other, then
you have surely been told from a very young age how dangerous members of another
group are and that you have to protect yourself from them. Most likely you have never
had the chance to meet one of “them” without prejudice - and fear. You don’t know
anything else and will be just as afraid of that other group as the generations before you.
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And if you come to the point of being tired of the whole thing and wanting to mediate
between the two groups you first have to deal with your own fears. You have to start with
overcoming your own, deeply rooted mistrust, and for that to happen you first need to
become aware of the fact that you are full of mistrust and anger. You need to
acknowledge it. Because of these feelings you probably behave a lot more defensive
and uncompromising towards members of that group than you behave towards other
humans, and this keeps the vicious circle of mutual rejection alive.
Interestingly enough we often don’t even notice that we are driven by our old patterns
and fears and our effect on others is not exactly heart opening. We think our behavior
and what drives it are natural, but this is only because what we have taken in during our
early years has taken dominion of our subconscious and rules our life from there.
Remember your driving lessons? In the beginning you had to concentrate on every little
action and it was pretty exhausting to think of everything and get it right. Then, after a
while, things happen without effort. Start the engine, engage a gear, look into the mirror,
indicate, go. And while all of this is happening, you can even chat with your passenger!
But it does get tricky if you suddenly want to drive an automatic car. In this case you
have to unlearn what you have learnt and learn something new. It takes a conscious
effort to stop yourself from hitting the non-existent clutch. Again it’s a bit tiring and takes
a while until everything goes automatically.
If Nonviolent Communication does not bear the results you have wished for, then
some old programming in your subconscious sabotages your conscious efforts. In this
book I show a number of patterns of how this often happens, and how you can liberate
yourself from them. I call these patterns “traps” or “wolves in a giraffe skin”. They
formally look like Nonviolent Communication, but are driven by our old fears and patterns
and therefore do not have the powerful and transformative effect that you are looking for.
This leads to the assumption, we were following NVC but it didn’t work.
The phenomena and approaches I describe stand in the context of Nonviolent
Communication (NVC) as presented by Marshall Rosenberg.1This does not mean
though that the subconscious mechanisms I talk about only happen to people who use
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Nonviolent Communication. On the contrary, they are universal, and every one of us who
wants to transform his or her relationships will be confronted with the same challenges -
no matter which path they choose. Therefore this book may also be interesting for
readers who have not looked into Nonviolent Communication yet or have only little
experience with it. Should you be one of these readers you might find the short
introduction to NVC at the beginning of the book helpful. It will enable you to understand
the references to Nonviolent Communication and will tell you, for example, what is meant
by “giraffes” and “wolves”. If you are already familiar with NVC, you can skip the
introduction.
The bibliography at the end of the book presents a few books about Nonviolent
Communication. Many other publications about NVC can be found in bookstores or
online, if you want to learn more.
This book is mainly structured according to the description of the so called ”traps of
Nonviolent Communication” which one can fall into along the way. These traps consist of
wolfish behavioral patterns that secretly creep into our giraffe intentions and undermine
them. Sample dialogues will show how to identify the wolves and how to return back to
the power of your heart which gives Nonviolent Communication its power.
My characterization of the masked wolves does not claim to be complete. I explain
the ones I have identified so far - especially because I have unknowingly played these
roles myself, and sometimes even still do today!
I share my present state of development with NVC while still learning. Some ideas
you will agree with, others you will reject, some you will find helpful and some not. Start
your own journey of exploration, because only you can find out what works for you.
May our search lead us all into the depth where we have access to the power within
us, out of which we will automatically live nonviolently - our miracle working giraffe heart.
By no means does this turn us into doormats - a suspicion often raised concerning
nonviolence. Just the opposite, we will discover the power of our true self in order to
make a difference in the world. There is not bigger power than ours.
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In love. And peace. Because a life of love and peace is simply more fun!
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Acknowledgements
With all my heart I thank my longtime companion Paul for his input to my ideas, his
enthusiasm about my writing, his financial support and the inspiring people he has
introduced me to.
He has given me the necessary space to write this book as well as forcing me to face
myself and discover my inner treasure by constantly challenging me.
Thank you to Dana for her patient empathy and the many conversations which helped
me to sort and clarify my ideas.
A big thank you to Armin who by his practical support made sure that a mere file on
my computer has been turned into a book and believed enough in it to publish it.
And thank you to Mirko who has lovingly dedicated himself to the layout and turned
my manuscript into a jewel - at least my opinion.
(Do you need someone for a layout job? We are happy to share his
contact details with you ;-) )
Thank you, Claire, for motivating me to finally translate this book into English!
And thank you, Lynne, for doing most of the proofreading.
Thank you also to all helpers who have read my manuscript and helped me to find
errors.
Not only to raise a child, but also to publish a book, one indeed needs a whole village.
February 2014, Kendra Gettel
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I. A short introduction into Nonviolent Communication by
Marshall Rosenberg
The intention of Nonviolent Communication is to meet other people with a loving
attitude.2
But what exactly is “a loving attitude”? For me personally it has a lot to do with
openness and goodwill towards others. For example, when I catch myself judging
another person in my mind, openness and goodwill show when I am willing to question
my judgment and to be open to a very different truth about this person.
Our judgmental thinking and the kind of behaviour it leads to create distance and
loneliness. If we long for connection and closeness instead, we have to relearn. The way
to do it suggested by NVC is to see the other person with different eyes and to discover
the human behind whatever enemy image or façade we perceive. This gives us the
opportunity of relating with each other in a totally new way, that makes both our lives
more fulfilled than before.
In order to do this, I first need to meet myself with love and goodwill. If I am at war
with myself and can´t stand myself, how am I supposed to be in peace with the people
around me?
To shift to this new perspective and reconcile ourselves with us and the world,
Marshall Rosenberg suggests the so called four steps of NVC. They are based on the
presumption that everything that humans do is an attempt to fill a need. Nobody ever
acts out of “evil intention”.
Rosenberg defines a need as that which is necessary to sustain life. This includes
food, shelter and clothing as basic conditions for physical survival, as well as contact,
belonging, meaning and many other things for the inner wellbeing. By this definition,
needs are inherently positive. They serve life and are universally valid, which means that
every human being has (the same) needs and knows them.
Someone who wants to meet a need – be it his own or someone else`s - wants to
contribute to life, to serve life. For that he chooses a certain strategy he has either learnt
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directly in his life until now or that somehow results of what he has learnt. A need is
something abstract, like food, community, appreciation, and a strategy is the specific
way to meet that need, like a pizza, joining a soccer-club or community activities.
An example for learned strategies would be our numerous small and large addictions,
like cigarettes, alcohol, TV, chocolate and shopping. They are supposed to meet needs
like relaxation, community, self- connection or others. The catch here is, though, that
these strategies firstly often don´t even work that well to meet our needs, and secondly
often stand in the way to other needs being met, e.g. the need for health.
As Rosenberg states, problems never arise on the level of needs, but on the level of
strategies. Let´s take as example a country that is at war with its neighbor because it
wants to meet its need for security. Is war really the appropriate strategy to bring about
security? Or doesn´t it on the contrary lead to more escalation and thus more insecurity?
What would happen if both sides were able to talk openly about their need for security
and sit down together to find solutions for that? As a result they would find that they have
something in common, a shared need, that both sides can relate to. And the mutual
understanding often opens the possibility for a solution to a problem that previously
seemed impossible to solve.
Another example is the case of a couple who is planning an evening together. He
wants to go for a walk with her, she wants to watch a movie and snuggle up on the
couch with him. These are both strategies, and if you look at it on this level, their wishes
seem opposing and impossible to bridge. Yet behind both of them lies the same need:
Connection. And this insight opens the space for new ideas on how to meet this need in
a way that works for both. Maybe having dinner at their favourite Italian restaurant?
Thus I can totally change my perception of the other when I come in contact with the
needs behind what he wants and does. The more I practice this, the more I see people
who in their own way always try to bring about something good and at worst simply
make the tragic error to choose strategies that do not lead to (everyone’s) real
satisfaction. Because they don’t know better!
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And the same goes for me. I am ok and so are my intentions. But sometimes I choose
inappropriate strategies, especially when I don’t take the necessary time to connect with
my heart first.
With time judgments and rejection will give way to a more accepting attitude - the
primary requirement for peace with ourselves and others.
Rosenberg describes this different way of treating oneself and others, characterized
by the language of the heart, as "giraffe language". Giraffes are the land animals with the
biggest heart. In contrast to that Rosenberg calls the separating way in which we have
related to ourselves and others up to now "wolf language".1
Accordingly you will often hear the terms "wolf" or "giraffe" in the context of NVC.
"Wolf voices" stand for the judgments we hold against ourselves or others. These are
divided into "wolves towards the inside", which refer to our self-judgments, and "wolves
towards the outside", which refer to our judgments about other people. Examples would
be: “You are an idiot!” (wolf directed towards another) or “I am a failure!” (wolf directed to
oneself).
The four steps
The four steps of Nonviolent Communication are designed to support a clear self-
expression, create connection and find strategies to meet needs.
They consist of
1. observation
2. feeling
3. need
4. request
and can be applied to oneself or others.
1 Ii Sometimes also“jackal language.
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How do we apply these four steps? I observe how I or another person reacts to a
certain incident. I communicate my observation by expressing what I have seen or
perceived (1). Important here is to separate my observation from any thoughts or
interpretations of what has happened. Then I continue by saying how I feel regarding my
observation (2). The next step is to tell which of my needs is met or not met in this
situation (3), and finally I make a request (4) for something that would help me get my
need met. This request can be to myself or another person.
Example:
My boss tells me I am supposed to work "more accurately". I become aware of an
uneasy feeling in my stomach and decide to take a moment and go through the four
steps to find out what is going on for me. I can identify the observation, my feelings, my
underlying needs and finally a request. This inner process of getting clear is the so called
"self-empathy". It’s result could look like this:
When I hear I am supposed to work "more accurately" (1), I feel angry ... frustrated ....
disappointed
(2) because I have really been making an effort lately - I have often worked long
hours - and I would like this to be seen (3).
Above that I am not sure what he means by “more accurately”, so I need clarity (3)
about what he actually wants from me.
I want to go and ask him how exactly he wants me to change and whether he has
been aware of my efforts lately (4, request to self).
Then I could go to my boss and ask if he had time for a question either now or later.
To make sure that I don´t overload my boss, I follow Marshall Rosenberg´s suggestion to
only use a maximum of 40 words at once. Accordingly I divide what I want to say into
two segments:
“When I hear you say, like this morning, that I am supposed to work ‘more accurately'
(1),
I feel confused, because it is not clear to me what exactly you are referring to (3).
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Could you please tell me in more detail how you think I can improve my work?” (4)
"Also I am frustrated (2), because in the last three months I have been working extra
hours on 25 days to make sure everything gets done on time, and I would like that to be
acknowledged (3).
Could you please tell me whether you have noticed my extra work?” (4)
Following the same pattern I can also use the four steps to empathize with another
person. By doing so I help the other to get clear about his feelings and needs. Let’s take
the example of a co-worker who is complaining about something he heard from another
colleague:
“So, Mrs. X said to you ”It’s about time you also do some work here.” (1). Are you
frustrated (2) because you would like to know that others are aware of your contribution?
(3) ...And maybe you would also like to know that we support and don’t pick on each
other? (3)?”
Then, in step number four, you could help your co-worker to come up with a request
to himself or Mrs. X. (4). Maybe he is ok now and just needed to be heard, or maybe he
wants to tell Mrs. X how he felt when she said what she said and hear what was going
on for her in that moment?
Empathy
Empathy is the central concept of the whole process. Empathy is the way to get into
contact with what is alive in me or another person. I connect with the present feelings
and needs by guessing the other person’s feelings and needs, e.g.: “Are you sad
because you have a need for cooperation?”
Note that it is not important to guess “correctly”. Simply by guessing you open the
door and give the other one the space to check within and find out what is there.
Empathy itself fulfills the need of “being heard”, which is one of the main needs of human
beings, and it helps people to find clarity about their feelings and needs. This always
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leads to a relief.
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II. Personal experiences with NVC
In May 2006 I had the chance to see Marshall Rosenberg live during a three-day-
workshop on Nonviolent Communication near Munich. At that point I was having another
crisis, one of many in my life so far. I had just separated from my partner, which meant
moving house and needing to find a new job. Overnight. Added onto that was a constant
conflict with my family which had been escalating for years.
The sum of my problems had finally motivated me to read Rosenberg’s book
Nonviolent Communication which a close friend had been recommending to me for
years. While reading it I had the impression of being onto something I had been
searching for a long time, without ever even knowing that and for what I was searching. I
had to go to Munich, no matter how high the cost!
I wasn’t disappointed. I was totally mesmerized by Rosenberg’s words. Here I saw the
love, care and understanding that I so longed for in my daily life. The problems between
me and others that I had seen as totally insurmountable until then suddenly seemed
easy to solve. Like magic.
I went back home, deeply moved, impressed and filled with new hope. Eagerly I
started to learn everything about NVC as well as I could. I participated in a year-long
training class with two German trainers, Serena Rust and Klaus-Dieter Gens, and
thought about becoming a certified trainer myself.
Every morning I started with self-empathy. And yes, I did have my miracles and
breakthroughs here and there, but the main conflict areas of my life remained annoyingly
intact.
During another seminar with Marshall Rosenberg I met my future husband. Overjoyed
to have found a “nonviolent” companion I enthusiastically threw myself into our
relationship, only to find out that we neither were immune to conflicts and that in many
situations NVC didn’t seem to help us at all. Again and again our relationship was about
to fold. We had reached our limits and tried out about every method and therapy we
came across. Plus we did get a lot of empathy and good advice from our NVC friends.
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Which all kind of helped – for a while.
I started doubting this ultimate tool for solving my issues which I thought I had found.
My experiences with Nonviolent Communication (or what I took for that…) in my
personal and work-related relationships were mostly really good, but with some people
the dynamics simply stayed unbearable. Something in the application of NVC didn’t
work.
I found it especially hard to see how even people who were very experienced with
NVC, even trainers, dashed against the same barriers. I saw helplessness and violence
among the very people whose explicit goal was to live nonviolently and who I hoped
would show me the way.
In the beginning I was surprised, but over time the feeling changed more and more to
frustration and disappointment. What I was witnessing stood painfully in the way of my
vision of a better world, and I just didn’t get the reason for it. A huge basis of theoretical
knowledge plus a lot of real life experience did not prevent kinds of behavior that just
would not fit into the frame of NVC, no matter how one defined it.
And that was also true for me and my behaviour. While (formally) applying NVC, I
also kept mutating into some kind of dragon or wolf. Despite all the seminars I had been
and my best intentions. As if I was running on autopilot. Today I know - I did fall into the
traps I describe in this book, which means that I had allowed myself to be fooled by
wolves in giraffe skin. And this doesn’t mean so much that I found it difficult to see
through other peoples’ giraffe masks. What matters is that I was still acting wolfishly
without noticing it and while thinking that I made the perfect giraffe! This the crucial point.
My problems resulted from my own blindness towards my patterns and less from what
my fellow human beings were doing or not doing. But of course, how was I supposed to
solve the issue, if I didn’t know what caused it?
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Some things that caught my attention were:
- relationships in which my anger got so overwhelming, that I was no longer able to act
and just wanted to get rid of the other person;
- parents who tyrannized their children, while claiming they were simply taking care of
their needs, and insisted on themselves being helpless and nonviolent, but the child
“difficult”;
- separations being explained with "My needs don´t get met in this relationship";
- NVC-trainers who screamed at each other in front of workshop participants (no, it was
not a role play…);
- other violent behaviors, that were justified verbally through NVC, and
- people who seemed to be totally paralyzed in their daily life, because exploring their
needs and trying to get them met used up all their energy.
Another incident that made me think was the encounter with a young woman, a social
activist, whose opinion about NVC was: "Yeah, right, that´s this new communication style
that all these managers now learn so they can manipulate their employees in an even
more effective way. First they give you ’empathy' and then they throw you out, and you
are so lulled that you will let them. Everyone knows that!”
After having met Marshall Rosenberg in person I personally have come to the
conclusion that it has not been his goal to develop a more efficient strategies for
companies to get rid of the employees. What stayed was the question: "What are we
doing in the name of NVC, if people on the outside get that kind of impression?"
According to my understanding all of this does not correspond to the peace creating
attitude, that the four steps suggested by Rosenberg are supposed to lead to. I wanted
to find out goes off the course here, and above all, how we can again and again find
back to the original spirit of Nonviolent Communication.
This book shows the conclusions I have personally drawn..My concern is to bring the
intention behind Nonviolent Communication back to the focus, because this intention is
the key to its transformative power!
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Maybe as you read some of my examples in the text and think: “Hey, wait! This is not
NVC!” Exactly, that’s it. I do not describe NVC according to a textbook, but rather the
dead ends we can get lost in if we don’t pay attention. It can and will happen that we
don’t get it “right”, if this word is appropriate to use at all in the context of Nonviolent
Communication.
Today you will seldom hear me use the four steps formally. NVC has taught me many
precious things, for example how to discern between facts and interpretations, feelings
and needs, and to notice what is going on inside of me. I have learnt how to really listen
and how I can support upset and outraged people in finding back to themselves and
calming down.
And some other elements of formal NVC I didn’t find too helpful for me. One of them
is the idea that my feelings base on whether a need is met or not, and another the
general focus on needs (as further explained the chapter 3 Trap: “I need”).
What has stayed is the deep wish for this quality of connection between me and
others that I experienced in a role play with Marshall Rosenberg. Before that I didn’t
even have a clue that this was possible. On that day, Rosenberg opened a door for me,
and I understand the four-step-process he developed as learning aid to enable us to
make this quality in human relationships possible - and the inner attitude that is
necessary for it. This also and above all goes for the relationship to ourselves.
So let’s get back to the juicy part, which is the question: “How do I do it?” The
principle behind it is easy: The more we discover ourselves, the more nonviolence turns
out to be our nature. We do not need to learn anything, only to unlearn, namely the
things that block the expression of this nature.
For this to happen, we first need to find out what it is that stands in our way. When we
recognize what it is and how it affects our whole life, it becomes more and more easy to
free ourselves from its influence.
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III. The Traps
What blocks the expression of our true, nonviolent nature, I call the traps of our
subconscious. They show up when our intellectual self decides to be nonviolent, but our
old, violence creating patterns are still alive and operating inside of us. Our true nature is
loving and nonviolent, even if an observer of current humanity might come to other
conclusions. With all its might, our subconscious mind undermines our conscious,
honest efforts to communicate in a connecting way, and, as we will see, for supposedly
good reasons. Its activities are normally hidden so deeply inside of us that they are hard
to detect, and they let us fail in our efforts to create a better life – independently of which
method or path we have chosen.
I use the image of traps to point out to those concepts of Nonviolent Communication
that our subconscious mind likes to take advantage of in order to sabotage us without
our knowing. You will notice that behind all these traps the same mechanism is hidden. I
explain this further in the chapter The Mother of All Traps. This one mechanism is
nothing else but our fear of someone getting close to us, and it disguises itself as wolves
in giraffe skins to cover up its true identity.
We have a certain goal: We want to learn a better, more peaceful way to relate to
ourselves and each other. Maybe our motivation for this is to solve conflicts in our
personal surroundings, get along better with certain people, contribute to peace on earth,
work as a mediator, experience inner peace… What is it for you?
But as soon as we start the journey, the saboteur in our subconscious mind is brought
to the arena. Throughout the book this saboteur is what I am referring to when I use the
word “ego”. But why? What’s its problem with having better relationships?
To give you a hint beforehand so you can start checking this idea out for yourself
while reading: It’s about something in us that because of what it has experienced in life
so far thinks it has to protect and defend itself from other people, preferably the whole
world, and the best strategy to achieve this is to create the biggest possible distance.
And what would be a better way for creating distance than to fight, to be upset or to
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withdraw? This something wants to make sure that a certain security distance to others
remains untouched, that no one can come too close to us and therefore no one can
harm us.
So behind the resistance lies a life-serving intention, self-protection, but does the
strategy of distancing ourselves from others bring us what our hearts yearn for?
Let’s see.
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1st Trap: You Have to See it My Way
Attempt at clarification
Holly: “Yesterday morning, when we were planning our week, you said to me you
would do the grocery shopping and I should write you a list with things that I needed…”
Polly: “I can’t remember that!”
I kept experiencing a highly confusing and unnerving pattern with this woman I knew
who was very well trained in NVC. Let’s call her Polly.
Over and over I kept hearing from her that my observations were wrong. Her
observations about a certain situation differed from mine such that it seemed to make it
impossible to talk about them.
Several of my attempts to address an issue important to me ended without results. If I
started with “When you said …” she would say, for example: "I never said that”, or her
response to “When we talked about …” would be: “I do not remember us talking about
that.”
So we often ended up in situations where she had understood agreements completely
differently from me, e.g. resulting in us showing up for meetings at different times . I was
furious. At the same time I started doubting myself and felt in a dead end. How was I
supposed to talk about my feelings and needs in regard to a certain situation, if the other
person simply claimed this situation had never happened?
The whole issue made me think. Until then I had assumed that coming up with an
observation would be the easiest step of Nonviolent Communication. Clear and without
any room for doubt. Maybe I would encounter difficulties some time during the process,
but here?
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Does the observation need to be shared by both?
In difficult moments like these it helps to be open to the idea that one and the same
incident can indeed be perceived very differently by different people, to the degree that
we simply cannot agree on the same observation. This does not need to be a barrier for
the connection between us. The problem disappears as soon as I stop demanding from
the other person that they agree to what I have observed, or when I meet the other one
where she is right now and listen to him, even though her version of the story is not
mine. I can still take her words as a starting point to put myself into her shoes.
I remember a conversation I had with an old lady shortly before her death. She was
“mentally confused”, as they say, and kept telling all kinds of stories that did not
resemble any of the memories of the other people in her life. Among them were stories
of fears and disappointments. The usual reaction she got from her friends and family
was to “correct” her and to point out to her that her stories were “not true”. They told her
there was no reason for her fears and other feelings.
I didn’t know anything about how true her stories where or not, and even though it did
seem obvious to me that many things she was talking about did not “make sense”, I just
listened. Once in a while I would throw in a sentence like “That must have been exciting,
wasn’t it?” or “And then you were afraid, right?” And my dear conversation partner smiled
brightly, looked me in the eyes and her whole face was glowing.
It was a moment of deep connection and great joy. Although I could not follow her
stories – or maybe exactly because of that?
Do I need a shared observation at all in order to connect with the other’s feelings and
needs? Do we need to agree on an observation so that I can express myself or hear the
other?
These questions lead to interesting insights. Let’s start with asking: Why do I want the
other person to remember the situation the same way like I do and confirm my
observation in the first place?
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What is it about for me?
What is my version of what happened supposed to bring me? Do I get some kind of
benefit from the other’s agreement? What would that be? For example, do I want him to
“realize” that he has done something “wrong”? Or do I feel attacked by the way he sees
it and feel this urge do defend myself?
In this case I probably want the other one to adapt to my version because my inner
self-image feels threatened and I somehow believe I could fix it this way.
When I judge the other one to be “looking for excuses” or “refusing to take
responsibility”, as soon as he delivers a different observation, this might be a strong
indication that I have attached a great meaning to his consent. It will be accordingly
difficult to let go of my wish.
In the case I am describing above there was definitely something of “I want to prove
to me, the other and the whole world that I am right!”. I wanted to really nail the situation
down, so it would be clear to everyone that I was the victim here, and to get this woman
to acknowledge that she had wronged me. The whole mess is her fault, not mine! I find it
very important to be seen as the innocent one (which can only happen if somewhere
down there I think I’m guilty).
The catch here is that I cannot establish any connection here as long as I cling to
being right. Only when I am willing to give up my observation and open up to what is
going on in the moment, the connection can happen.
This requires two things.
Firstly, I need to leave some space for the possibility that the observation might really
only have happened in my world, and secondly I need to let go of any temptation to use
my observation as accusation.
I need to take one hundred percent responsibility for all my feelings and needs. In the
beginning, this is difficult. The inner resistance will be huge, so huge that it feels like
doing the totally wrong thing! But the greater the resistance, the greater and more
27
beautiful is the space beyond it that will open if we keep going.
I find it very helpful to remind myself that I need not defend anything or anyone, and
also not my self-image. This is the easier the more I know that I am ok and can accept
myself the way I am.
Another example:
We have been sitting together in a group of five people to discuss something. After a
loud argument between Polly and another woman, Polly leaves the room.
Later I try to bring up the subject: “When you left our meeting right at the beginning…”
Polly replies: “The meeting itself hadn’t begun yet. So what is your observation here?”
Hearing that, I am about to explode. In my mind I accuse Polly of not taking responsibility
for her actions and putting obstacles in my way –I was trying to clarify something here!
But when I look closer I have to admit that I did not only want to speak about an
observation, but wanted some kind of confession from Polly, something like: “Yeah, you
are right, I left the room and that was not right of me.”
Given this background it is no surprise that Polly intuitively sees herself under
accusation and chooses what seems to be a suitable defense strategy: Denial. Have you
ever come across this one?
“Who has eaten all of the chocolate?”– “Not me, Mummy!” comes the answer from a
small chocolate covered mouth. The child denies what she did, and why? Because she
is afraid to be punished. And in quite a few of us adults somewhere still resides a fearful
small child who takes over the command when she feels reminded of the old threats
and thinks she has to protect herself.
Ways out
Let us not forget that all these mechanisms normally drive us on a totally
subconscious level. There is not bad intention behind them! To go beyond them requires
a great deal of focus in watching ourselves, and a big courage to be radically honest to
ourselves about our motives. It is particularly difficult to find this courage when we judge
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ourselves or others. Judgments cause fear, no matter who they are about.
In those moments where we seriously believe that accusing another is a strategy
serving our needs, the truth is that only compassion with ourselves will get us anywhere.
Something in us is afraid, or it wouldn’t make us do this.
When I catch my inner warlord – the being in me that so loves to accuse others –
doing one of his maneuvers, one instant remedy is to take a break, breathe deeply and
to observe what is going inside of me. Then I can decide to give myself a second chance
and react differently.
It is helpful to remind myself what it is that I really want: In truth I want peace and a
nurturing connection to myself and the other person. When I can feel that again and
remember how pleasant this peace and the connection feel, it gives me the strength and
determination to successfully turn the situation around.
Here are some examples how I could put my desire for peace and connection into
words:
- “This morning I was upset with you and in the meantime I have found out that it
actually had nothing to do with you. I would like to tell you about it – would be willing
to listen?“
- “In my understanding the goal of our meeting was to speak about some issues with
you that we urgently need your input for. When you were not there, I was
disappointed, because I wanted to bring up a specific subject to talk about with you.
Would you have a suggestion when we could discuss it?”
- “Can you tell me what you have just heard from me, so I know whether I have
chosen the right words?”
- “What is your opinion about this?”
- “From your perspective, does it make sense what I am saying?”
- “How was it from your perspective?”
By the way, the situation at the beginning of this chapter can easily be alleviated by a
small change in wording:
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Holly: ““Yesterday morning, when we were planning our week, I thought I heard you
say you would do the grocery shopping and I should write you a list with things that I
needed…”
By changing “you said” to “I thought I heard you say” I take full responsibility for my
perception and thereby prevent any discussion about what the other one said or didn’t
say. The other one will be less likely to go into defense because there is no blame
attached. Of course we can never fully influence how people interpret what we are
saying, but phrasing the sentence like this will more likely lead to a constructive and
cooperative dialogue about how to get the shopping done. In this version my focus stays
with me which makes it easier for me to stay grounded in my true intention.
If you are not able to realize with your goal of peace in a difficult situation, then you
might want to take some time out. That’s ok. Do not force yourself to do anything – stay
compassionate and patient, also stay with yourself! The primary and most important
condition for Nonviolent Communication is to meet another person with an open heart.
Which words you exactly choose and how you phrase what you are saying is secondary.
On the contrary we will not get anywhere, even if we formally manage to phrase our
words in a perfectly nonviolent manner, if we are irritated, upset or something like that on
the inside and want to persuade the other from a certain point of view.
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Ways out of the trap “You Have to See it My Way”:
❤ Remember: “To connect with myself and the other I do not need an observation
that we both agree on.”
❤ Self-honesty: “Why do I want the other to agree with me? What’s behind that?”
❤ Focus on the true goal: Peace and connection – and how good that feels!
❤ Reconnection with your heart and your well-meaning true nature
❤ Try again
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2nd Trap: But It’s Your Fault Anyway
Trying to define a problem
Annabel: “It is 10pm now. When I hear from you at 6pm that you will be home at 8pm,
and then you arrive at 10pm, I am angry, because I have a need for reliability. Could you
please tell me how you feel when you hear me say that? “
This trap is pretty tricky. We get caught in it although by definition it shouldn’t happen,
because one of the basic assumptions of NVC is after all, that we ourselves are
responsible for our feelings and not anyone else.
In Nonviolent Communication I am the one responsible to pay attention to my needs
and meet them, and so to nurture myself. No other person can do that job for me, right?
If I experience negative feelings, it is because one or several of my needs are not met –
says NVC.
It’s all about the interpretation
Although it is not explicitly included into the four steps, Marshall Rosenberg himself
points out that ultimately it is our thinking and our interpretation of what happens that
decides how we feel about something.3 Therefore, some NVC-trainers do include looking
at your thoughts into the four steps.
For example, if a man bumps into me on the street, I might think “How rude! Can’t this
idiot pay more attention to where he is going?”
But then, when I see that he has a blind man’s cane, what happens? I might think:
“Oh, the poor fellow! He can’t see what’s in front of him! How on earth does he get
along?” And my feeling could change to compassion, and the impression that my need
for consideration wasn’t met because I just got hit hard, vanishes completely. The same
situation – different interpretations –different feelings.
Despite this very clear theoretical foundation the four steps still have some kind of
built-in indication that another person or outer circumstances could be the reason for
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how we feel. I can, for example, stay totally within the theoretical framework and say
something like: “When I see that your socks have been lying on the living room floor for
two days, I am frustrated, because I have a need for cooperation.” But, through the back
door, doesn’t this sentence do give the impression that the person who has dropped the
socks onto the floor two days ago is the cause of my frustration? If he hadn’t left his
socks there, then I wouldn’t be frustrated now. Right?
And if I am the one whose socks were found in the living room, do I not hear that I am
responsible for the other person’s frustration?
For me the mere grammatical construction of “When I see …, I feel …” leads to a link
in my mind between what I see and what I feel. It is downright difficult not to experience
this link.
What drives me? To rejoin with our giraffe heart, which will lead us out of this trap, we again need self-
honesty. What is our motivation? Towards ourselves? And towards the other? When that
feeling of anger, or whatever it is, hits me because of something someone else has
done, it helps to allow the feeling to come up and be there, feel it, and ask myself what is
really happening inside of me.
The first question I might want to ask, is: When I bring up the socks on the floor –
what drives me? Is it a wish for connection with the other, or again this deep urge to
accuse and blame? The inner warlord who wants to protect me from “too much
dangerous closeness”? Who wants to prevent me from getting hurt again?
The second question is: Which meaning do I give to the socks? So, ok, there is a pair
of socks lying on the floor. But what do I think does this say about the person who left
them there? Do I judge him as careless, lazy, untidy? Or do I even believe that he has
done it on purpose, to annoy me? Do those judgments actually really have their origin in
me, or have they come to me from some authority figure in my life – one of my parents
or a teacher? A strict aunt? Would I also be upset if we, while madly in love with each
other, had agreed to leave socks on the floor as a love message to the other?
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And the third question: Does my heart agree with my judgment about the other?
When I speak out of my authentic wish for connection, then, as I have already said, it
doesn’t matter so much which words I use. The other will (normally) sense my intention
and feel safe to open up. But when from deep down inside an accusation has come into
what I am saying, I can choose the sweetest words, the purest form of NVC, it will still
lead deeper into conflict.
So what can we do, when we notice that yes, there is this urge to blame another?
Step number one is to at least admit this to ourselves and to be open that it might only
be some hyperactive thoughts running through my mind and distorting my perception.4
They only have power over me, as long as I do not face and challenge them. As soon as
I do question their truth, two things become clear:
1. They do not lead me to my goal.
2. I judge the other person a lot harder than justified by the circumstances. My
inner accusations are totally exaggerated and maybe not even be true.
It is often also extremely powerful to speak openly about the turmoil inside of me.
When I open up and show what is going on inside of me, it often leads effortlessly to
connection. And when everything has been expressed, it is like the fog is lifting and I can
shift back to reacting appropriate to the situation.
My anger is again just another attempt to protect myself from potentially hurtful
closeness. I do not want the other close to me. And soon as I can feel that (not
understand it intellectually, but feel it in my body!), the deeper longing for connection can
finally surface again. And from there on things go a lot easier.
The comedy super star: me!
If you express what is going on inside yourself (yes, and I do know how “silly,
confused and embarrassing” that stuff can be - no worries, you are not the only one,
promise!), this need not be the beginning of another fight. Maybe you like the following
34
suggestion: Just imagine you were a comedy star on stage, playing the voices inside of
you. Bring the inner drama to the outside – with humor!
Exaggerate!
“These socks! Oh my goodness! How long have they been there? TWO WHOLE
DAYS??? AAAH! You are driving me up the wall! If I end up in a nuthouse, it’s because
of your socks! But wait, let me guess, probably that is exactly what you want! Confess!
You want to get rid of me!
But now I’ve had enough: I am no longer going to put up with everything here! High
time to start karate.
There is a lot more inside of me than the stupid blond who is taking care of the
household! From today on, everything will change! Just wait and see!”
Maybe you find it easier to express yourself this way. You can alleviate you own inner
pressure and show the other what is going on, without hurting him. Maybe you can even
laugh about the whole scene together and admire the creativity that your thinking is
capable of. It only takes a pair of socks on the floor, and the house is filled with life! If
you have ever thought you are not an entertaining person, then hopefully you know
better now.
And if you really excel, you might catch yourself looking for socks or other things lying
on the floor in the coming days. Because, hey, when was the last time you had such fun
together? And at the latest when you notice yourself asking: “Darling, when will you
leave your socks on the floor again?” you know that you have reached this chapter’s
learning target.
But please do not complain to me if the floor stays nice and clean. Your partner, I
would guess, is deeply in love with you again. His mind is blown away by this lively
being, bursting with funny ideas, eyes sparkling, and with that unbelievable ability to turn
the most mundane everyday situations into great fun. Finally the woman has come who
makes even the woman of his wildest dreams look dull. He cannot help but fulfill every of
your wishes. And you wanted him to put his socks away, didn’t you?
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Sorry, but every method has its side effects.
This one, by the way, does also work for men, even if my example is from the
perspective of a woman.
Ways out of the trap “But It’s Your Fault anyway”
❤ Self-honesty: What is my motive? Do I want to accuse the other or do I want
connection? What do I really miss? What would I need to no longer mind the
socks? What might I be afraid of?
❤ Remember how pleasant a loving connection feels and that this is my goal
❤ If appropriate, self-expression: “Would you like to hear what wild things happen
inside of me when I see your socks on the floor?”
❤ Humor
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3rd Trap: I need
Attempt at solving a problem
Annabel: “When I see that you have spent the last four out of five weekends with your
friends and without me, I am sad, because I have a need for appreciation. Are you willing
from now on to bring me flowers every time we see each other?”
Let’s dive deeper into inner exploration, to sharpen our investigative skills which help
us to avoid the traps and avoid ending up as frustrated wolf. What do you think about
Annabel’s request for flowers? Is that NVC?
Imagine the following situation:
You are on a party and don’t know anyone except the host. A minute ago you have
joined a group of people who are having a lively conversation. The man next to you is
telling a story from the past, which makes the whole group burst out laughing and
comment things like “Yes, that’s exactly how it used to be!”, “Boy, did we have a good
time in those days!”
You stand next to them and notice an unpleasant feeling, a tightening of your
stomach perhaps or a lump in your throat. So you give yourself some empathy, follow
the four steps and come to the conclusion, that you are afraid. The reason for that to be
you identify a need for belonging, that is not met.
The issue seems clear: “I need to belong, then I feel better!”
The effect of our thoughts
At this point I would like to remark something. By saying that you need belonging, you
say that you don’t have it. You don’t belong anywhere. Right? And how do you feel
when you say that? Where do your thoughts go to? I personally would probably end up
thinking of moments in my past when I was with people and had this horrible feeling of
not belonging to them, e.g. in school.
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It might be a lifetime’s issue arising. Well, and then the next question appears: Now
what? How do I get that urgently needed sense of belonging? And there I am right in the
middle of trying to find a strategy to solve my problem. I might decide to start a
conversation with the person next to me. If this leads to a stimulating, satisfying
exchange, then I will probably feel better and I am happy to have found a solution. But
what if it doesn’t come to any pleasant exchange and after two sentences the other
person gives his attention back to the group? I would feel even worse than before, and
the negative thoughts would start spinning again: “Oh no, I really don’t belong anywhere.
I am a hopeless case. No matter what I do … there is something wrong with me … all
the others have friends, except me…”
Do I really lack anything?
The trap here lies in believing we had a problem in the first place. “What?”, you might
exclaim. Yes, exactly. Is that thought about lacking belonging true at all? Has it ever
been true?
What happens if we question that belief? You could start collecting examples for how
your need for belonging is met, right now and right here, and also in those difficult
moments in the past that are linked with painful memories. Maybe you find this a bit odd,
and it might be difficult to come up with examples. I recommend not to give up, but give
yourself some time. Be creative. Think around the corner. Open yourself for all
possibilities.
What comes to my mind, is:
- I am invited to this party. The host wants me to be here, so I do belong here.
- I am a human, like all the others around me. I belong to that species.
- I also have a circle of friends with whom I can laugh about the past. I belong – to
the people who have friends!
- When I think of my friends, I can totally relate to how much the others here are
having. That suddenly makes me feel very close to them. I belong – the people
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here are like me!
- This guy next to me prefers to chat with his friends instead of talking to me, a
stranger. Well, he’s like me! I am like that, too! I understand him! I belong – to the
people who prefer their friends to strangers!
If you go on with this for a while, you may notice that the original sentence has lost its
load. Or maybe you can’t even remember why you where believing it. I can assure you:
You are not the only one having this experience.
Fulfilled needs depend on your point of view
Wait a minute, you might want to ask, but then where did my fear come from? Well,
my answer is, let’s look again at the blind man running into you on the street. As long as
you don’t know that he is blind, you are angry. But as soon you know it, you feel
compassion instead. So the feeling does not result from what is happening or what other
people do, but rather from what meaning you give to it.
What makes the difference are your thoughts about the situation. They create the
feelings. This means that a feeling does not come from whether a need is met or not, but
from whether you think it is met!
The difference between the two is crucial. I invite you to give it a try. Find examples
for how needs that you thought weren’t met actually are or have been met. You can
apply this exercise to every possible emotional, mental or social need, for example
support, appreciation or cooperation.
And if you feel like really going for it, you can extend your experiment even to physical
needs.
Remember: There is no such thing like objective perception. Your impressions of the
world are subjective and filtered by your interpretations. If a certain interpretation of a
situation is active in us, nobody and nothing out in the world can persuade us of anything
different. As long as you believe the statement “I need belonging” you might feel kind of
39
happy in some moments of your life, but in general it will kind of remain like a search of
what seems to lack – you end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The mind wants to prove itself
Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is: How Four Questions Can Change Your Life,
offers us a very concrete description of how the mind works: She says, the mind
ceaselessly searches for the truth. When it gets hold a thought, it constantly tries to
prove it. This goes for every one of us. If we have a thought like “I need belonging”, and
we do not question it, our mind is busy looking for any kind of evidence for our lack of
belonging. Counterexamples are overlooked or diminished…. This explains our selective
perception. We only accept what fits into our convictions.
So I would like to raise the question whether the approach to use feelings as
indicators for needs is helpful. If I come from the assumption that my mind tries to prove
my beliefs, what am I then doing to myself when I keep filling it with ideas about unmet
needs? Through which lens am I then seeing the world? Don’t I find myself in a constant
state of wanting? Don’t I see things that are missing everywhere that I have to try and
get? And from there, when I try to come up with strategies for meeting my needs, I
quickly run the risk of wanting to manipulate the world around me to make it give me
what I want. But these attempts to manipulate life do not work. Flowers are not the
solution to Annabel’s problem.
I don’t need – I already have!
The concept referring to needs can work, however, if we really take Marshall
Rosenberg literally. He does admit, by the way, not being quite happy himself with the
term “needs”. In Nonviolent Communication he writes, for him needs were
“manifestations of life” for which he hadn’t found a better definition.5
How about looking at it this way? According to Rosenberg’s definition, needs serve
life, in other words, a contribution to life. Thus an unfulfilled need is a signal that
40
something is waiting to be contributed to life. Something that would make life better,
here and now, has not yet been given.
So, when I notice that one of my needs is not met, I can ask: What would make life
more fulfilling right now? Something seems to be missing. And who is noticing it? Me!
I imagine a river, the river of life, flowing through me and nourishing my surroundings.
This happens naturally, without effort, as long as nothing keeps the water from flowing.
Love, interest in and care for others flow through me naturally, and it feels very pleasant,
warm, open, fulfilling. The moment I feel bad it’s a signal for something blocking the
course of the river. I notice that something is not quite right. And because it is about my
river and not about someone else’s, and I am the one who feels it when there is a block,
I am the one who is called to do something about it, and not anyone else. I can ask:
“What wants to be given through me and is retained?”
Where is the river accumulating?
My river wants to flow, and as long as it does, I feel well. Back to Annabel: When she
notices that she needs appreciation, it doesn’t mean that the way forward is to look for
someone outside of herself who is supposed to give it to her, and on top of that by telling
him how! It means that it’s time to clear the path for her own appreciation of herself and
the people around her. Where is my appreciation for me? Where is my appreciation for
the people in my life? That’s my remedy, not flowers. To fill my own need for
appreciation, I could start by consciously looking for things in my life and about myself
that I appreciate. What do I like about me? How about writing a list with things you like
about yourself every night before you go to bed? I have been yearning for my own
appreciation! This is what satisfies me, and no other person can substitute for the lack
of my own appreciation of myself.
Another thing to meet a need for appreciation is to focus on things that I like about the
people in my life, and let them know it! Why don’t you tell the people in your life more
often, what you love about them?
How about other people’s appreciation? Can’t that help me in some way? Yes, it can,
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if I allow their appreciation to bring me back to my own. What another person gives me
can help me to clear the barrier inside of myself. The barrier not only indicates that life
wants to give through me and hasn’t been able to, but also that I do not allow something
to come near me. Can I really accept other people’s appreciation and take it in? And
discover my own through that?
Barriers show up in the river when I give in to the temptation to believe the negative
thoughts about myself and others that show up in my mind. I can’t control whether these
thoughts show up or not, but I do control whether I buy into them and their stories. The
most important step to getting our needs met and be free is to observe and question
what is going on in our minds. Does the voice that is so often spewing negativity have
any credentials?
Ways out of the trap “I Need”:
❤ Question whether my needs are really not fulfilled and concentrate on what is
fulfilled
❤ Rephrase “I need…” to “I would like to be able to see and accept the … in my life”
or “I would like to give…” and start doing it!
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4th Trap: I Need From You
Another attempt to solve a problem
Jeff: “You have gained weight!”
Annabel: “Darling, when I hear you say I have gained weight, I feel down, because I
would to be loved the way I am. Would you be willing to never again mention my weight
unless I ask you for your opinion?”
Where is the catch here? Isn’t Annabel’s reply a lovely, correct way of applying NVC?
She has given an observation, expressed her feeling, identified her need and made a
concrete request. Still I dare to say that Annabel’s request to Jeff to never again
comment on her weight will not fulfill her need, even if he goes along with it. Apart from
the false assumptions we have already discussed, the reason for this is to be found in
another one, which is: “You are able to fulfill my need!”
I am the key factor
Let’s briefly revisit the conclusion from the last chapter. My interpretation of a situation
or incident decides whether I see a certain need as met or not. And if I see something
lacking, the best remedy is to see where I can already find that something in my life and
let it touch me, and also give it.
So in whose hands is it to determine how I feel? In my hands!
Can another person influence how I see a certain situation? Let’s check.
Let’s assume that Jeff is absolutely willing to follow Annabel’s request and he really
does never mention it again. Does that solve Annabel’s problem? Does she feel loved
now? What if Jeff says: “You look great today!” Will she believe him? Maybe she will
have thoughts like “He doesn’t mean it anyway!”, “He is just trying to be nice because I
asked him to” or “What does he really think about me?”
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Was Jeff’s comment ever the problem to start with? Obviously Annabel has
interpreted that Jeff finds her less attractive than before. But that needn’t be the case.
Maybe Jeff is totally into some feminine curves and he wanted to make a compliment. In
other parts of the world, for example in Gambia, Africa, it is just the other way around
than in our culture. The more curves a woman has to offer, the more attractive.
The problem again lies in the interpretation, the meaning that Annabel gives to what
Jeff says. This words don’t give any hint that he finds Annabel unattractive, so the
conclusion must be: Projection. The thought “I am no longer attractive!”, wherever it
might have come from, has already been in Annabel’s mind before Jeff’s comment. We
all know that plenty of messages about how a woman is supposed to look are all around
us. What happens is that Annabel imposes her belief about herself on Jeff’s words.
Which of the both therefore claims she is not attractive?
Only I can change my self-image
The worry about no longer being attractive comes directly from Annabel’s thinking.
Consequently, Jeff is not the cause for it and cannot provide the remedy. If Annabel
thought of herself as attractive, she might have replied “Yes, suits me wonderfully,
doesn’t it?”
Only Annabel can fulfill her need to be loved the way she is, by loving herself.
Because who is it who doesn’t love her like she is right now? She or her partner? So
who can change it? Whom does she need to persuade from her attractiveness, Jeff oder
maybe rather herself?
How can she accomplish that?
To learn to love oneself is a process that needs time. In chapter V you will find some
ideas how to start. I already mentioned writing a list every night with things we like about
ourselves. Another thing is to give ourselves the necessary time to move into love and
be patient. It is ok to be unloving here and there (I don’t mean to justify it! I assume you
are doing your best to be a loving presence in this world, and all I’m saying is have
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compassion with yourself when you slip.) A first-grader won’t excel in geometry. We are
still learning, we are still on the way. And this dedication and willingness to learn how to
love alone is so precious and lovable.
If you find yourself in a situation like between Annabel and Jeff, become aware of
what is going on and make a new decision about it: “I am trying to assign someone a
task that is not his and that he can’t ever possibly fulfill. I realize that this must lead to
frustration, anger and disappointment on both sides, therefore I decide now to take the
responsibility for my perceived problem myself. This is about my river, and it is my job to
keep it flowing. From now on I am going to love myself!”
If appropriate, I can tell the other person what is going on inside of me, and in case I
have already reproached him for something or have made demands, I can let him know I
am sorry and willing to take the responsibility for myself now.
Ways out of the trap “I Need From You”:
❤ Awareness: What am I trying to get from the other person?
❤ Is he able to give me that at all?
❤ Take responsibility for the problem, e.g.:
“To love me, is my job, not the job of another person.”
❤ Take concrete steps to nurture, appreciate and love yourself (chapter V)
❤ If appropriate, share
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5th Trap: I am worried about you
Trying to help another person
Heather:: “When I see that for three years now you have been cashier in our local
supermarket, I am worried, because I want you to have a good life! Would you be willing
to look for another job?”
Doris: “But why? I am happy there. I have regular working hours, fun coworkers…”
Heather:: “See, you don’t even notice how bad your situation is! You need help! I am
worried about you. You finally need to get your life back together!”
Let’s climb even deeper into the abysses of our ego. The wolf voice crying “I am
worried about you!” is a downright masterstroke of our subconscious to cloud its
intentions. A sure signal that we are hitting the point is, by the way, if you should become
angry or upset while reading this chapter.
Old patterns feel so comfortable
Let’s have a short look at feelings. Many self-help books and advisers encourage us
to listen to our feelings. And there is truth in that insofar that a certain feeling of
coherence or incoherence can give us some important feedback about a decision. But if
we don’t pay close attention, letting a “feels good” guide us can lead to a rude
awakening. Why? Because it is one of the tactics of the ego to make such things feel
“good” and “right” that keep us caught in our old patterns. You could say it’s like at home,
nice and comfy. On the other hand, everything that challenges our old patterns first
causes fear and leads to resistance. So it can happen that a path which is actually
healthy and leads to a desirable outcome feels horrible at the beginning, and something
that deeply resonates with our truth can make us angry as hell!
We can use the following indicators to check whether a “good feeling” comes from our
deepest knowing, our intuition, or the ego:
1. Urgency
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If an impulse or wish comes up that screams to be lived or fulfilled immediately, you
can bet that you are hearing the ego’s voice.
2. Peace
Suggestions given to us by our true intuition bring along a feeling of peace, relaxation
and coherence.
3. Excessive thinking
When an idea comes with a strong, excessive impulse to think and plan, you will most
likely find the ego behind it Ideas that come from our intuition come with great clarity
and a slowing down of the thought carousel.
Pay attention because the inner saboteur reacts especially strong as soon as we start
to look more closely at the things he so seemingly selflessly and caringly does “for
others”.
Totally selfless?
Back to our main topic.
Is it really so bad to worry about others and want to help them? To find out what kind
of mess we are fabricating when we do, I invite you to switch roles.
Think back to a moment in your life where another person gave you unwanted advice,
presented you an analysis of your supposed problems without being asked and couldn’t
shut up about how you should solve them.
How did you feel? Please describe your feeling as detailed as you can. Were you
comfortable? Or rather uncomfortable? Where in your body can you feel it? And:
Through his behavior, did the other person seem more likable or less likeable to you?
Did you feel closer to him – or rather more distant?
Thank you. Now think back to a situation in which you were the one behaving as
mentioned. Start with putting yourself into the other one’s shoes in that moment as well
as you can. If you have the opportunity, write down what you said and let someone else
read it to you! What do you experience?
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And now, please check how you feel as the one who is giving unwanted advice. How
do you really feel – deep down inside? Does what you are doing bring you closer to the
other person? Do you really get, what you want? How do you feel after the
conversation?
I have come to realize that in truth it does not feel good at all to analyse others, to
mentally solve their problems and then generously share with them what I think they
need to do – which does not mean that I do not sometimes give in to temptation. But it
does create a separation between us, a distance. What happens is that I place myself
above other. This kills every chance for a connection. If I seriously want to undermine a
relationship and get on peoples’ nerves, then this provides of the best methods to do so.
Yet still the urge to do it returns. Why?
Who do I really worry about?
Where does this worrying about other people originate from? Why can’t we just let
other people life their lives? Why do we need to interfere and think we have to analyse
and give advice – even when we haven’t been asked to?
The answer is simple, although this doesn’t mean it’s easy to apply: We are busy with
others so we don’t need to deal with ourselves. When I heard Byron Katie say “The
advice I have for another is meant for me!” it was as if I heard a loud gong being hit in
my head. Direct hit! Again and again this guideline has proven to be true.
Check it out. Every time you give advice to someone, be it verbally or even only
mental, you can ask yourself whether you actually might be meaning yourself. Have you
ever caught the voice in your head throwing some criticism at you that you were just
about to pass onto another person?
For example: “You should have more respect!”, “You should work harder!”, “You
should make more of yourself!”, “You should help more!” or “You shouldn’t fight so
much!”
Sometimes you have to think a bit laterally. When I for example, tell someone to work
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harder in his job, but can’t relate that to my own professional life, then I can ask what
other part of my life this might be valid for.
And it is very important to know, that although we will often get some very helpful
insights by turning advice to ourselves, the voice behind the advice is not necessarily the
voice of truth.
When I turn “You should work harder” around to “I should work harder”, it could trigger
something like: “Oh my God! Yes! I should try harder, it’s true, I always screw things up, I
waste my time, I have really never accomplished anything in my life, starting with my
average high school diploma, and since then, well … oh my goodness!” Notice what
your mind is telling you, and question it.
A thought showing up like “I should work harder” mainly indicates that you believe it
and are judging yourself. But how much and how hard you work and whether that is
good or bad, is secondary. This is not the point. Maybe you have heard a sentence like
this from authority figures when you were younger, and you believed. If my teacher says
that about me, it must be right! And since then it has been like filter on your perception of
yourself. You have passed a judgment on yourself, and this self-judgment causes the
horrible pain that is so hard to bear that you rather occupy yourself with what other
people are doing. You have to question this judgment if you want to feel better, not work
harder. Are you really the person who the judgment claims you to be? Come one? Are
you that bad? Sure?
And sometimes we do find that there is something to learn from the advice. If that is
the case, you will know. Deep down you do know where in your life you are called to
change. Don’t you? And then it won’t bring any peace to find any more excuses.
When we are happy with our lives, does it occur to us at all to tell another person to
look for a “better job”? Whatever that is, anyway. When we are happy with ourselves and
our lives, do we still have that urge to throw advice at anyone?
When I am worrying about you, about whom am I really worried?
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Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean you can’t let people know how much they
mean to you. Let’s assume you see one of your best friends drink more and more
frequently. You might be sad because the quality of your conversations considerably
drops when he is drunk. And apart from that you really like him and catch yourself being
afraid to lose him if his health gets too affected.
You can address that, and I would recommend to be very careful, very clear about
your motives and stay as close to your heart as you possibly can: “I so love talking with
you, and I find it more difficult when you have already had a few beers. Would you like to
join me for a lemonade?” will probably have a different outcome than saying: “You drink
too much and you can’t think clearly anymore! Disgusting! Stop it!” and “I so appreciate
you as a friend and am very disturbed that the thought that I might lose you if your body
can’t cope with your drinking!” will surely be accepted more easily than “What you are
doing is totally antisocial and horrible! You should go to rehab!”
But please, before you choose to try out one of these, make sure you have really
looked at your motives around wanting to share your concerns. As long as we in any
form think the other person was doing something wrong and we needed to help him get
onto the right path, it will sabotage the trust and friendship between us. We do not know
what the other’s situation might be good for and what he can learn from it. I personally
have learned most from those situations in my life that my friends and family judged as
outrageous. When we are able to trust that our friend will learn what is necessary and
then take the next step, we have a sustainable basis for a heart-to-heart connection. And
you know what? People mostly find the motivation and energy to change in them if we
believe in them, not, if we criticize them.
Ways out of the trap “I Am Worried About You”:
❤ As soon as I catch myself worrying about someone, wanting to solve his
problems or to give him advice: Take a break and see how that could apply to me
and my current situation.
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❤ If I am really sure that I want to address an issue, focus on and express how
much the other person means to me
❤ Follow my own advice
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6th Trap: I Am Able to Help You
A glance at the helper syndrome
Gillian hast just finished reading an e-mail, in which her friend Candy speaks about
her numerous problems in life. Gillian’s mind is spinning, and she feels stress break out
in her entire body.
“Oh my, what Candy is going through is terrible! And so unnecessary! All of these
issues could be easily solved! Candy just needs a bit of clarity, a little NVC and some
looking at her thoughts. Thank God I know better than she does! But how can I teach her
what I know? I need to help her! Her suffering is unbearable! How? Hmm. Maybe I can
tell her about my own life and she can learn from that. That is nice and subtle and won’t
be too apparent, so I won’t come across as someone who wants to persuade others
from my opinion.”
Have you also had moments where you made fun of these typical people with a
“helper syndrome”? And do you know this oh so comfortable feeling coming with it, this
reassurance that it is not you who has this kind of deficiency? Maybe, maybe not.
But I bet: We all suffer from the helper syndrome to some degree. Nothing special
about it.
This syndrome mainly consists of two beliefs:
1. I need to help you
2. I am able to help you
In the last chapter we have already taken apart the first of these beliefs. If have this
uncontrollable urge to help another person, then it is above all me I need to take care of.
In people practicing NVC this often displays in a funny uptight and forced way to give
unneeded “empathy” to others, like in the following example:
John: “Hi, how are you today?”
Jack: “A bit tired, but otherwise well. And you?
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John: “I hear you. You feel tired! I guess you really want to be heard how tired you are,
and take some time to connect with that feeling?”
Coming from the heart or pushed by fear?
Let us not confuse this urge with what naturally happens when we act from our heart.
“I need to help you” comes with a feeling of urgency, it has something intense, stressed,
exhausting. It distances me from the person I want to help, because I put myself above
him as knowing better and assign him the role of a stupid kid who is not capable of
taking care of his life. This behavior is fed by the fear what happens if I don’t help. In
extreme cases it can take forms like: “He will fall into depression!”, “She might kill
herself!” and “It is my fault because I haven’t taken better care of him!”
I feel responsible for the other person’s well-being and through my busy meddling
with him I want to prevent being the guilty one, reproaching myself or being blamed by
my surroundings. Once again what I do seems selfless, but in reality it is about me and
less about being a true support to the other.
Acting from the heart, on the other hand, leads to an easy, effortless kind of helping. It
is unobtrusive and mindful. It connects me with the other person. It happens by itself
when required by a certain situation, and it doesn’t impose itself onto others. The only
thing I need to do is to get my fearful thoughts out of the way.
It is almost as if it is not me who is “saving” someone else, but instead the other way
around. He is saving me by giving me an opportunity to feel my generosity and discover
my true, loving self a bit more. My inner attitude consists of joy and gratefulness about
being together. We come closer to each other and both of us win.
This kind of helping is truly selfless, because I am not concerned at all with how I look
to the outside world, but totally immersed in the present moment.
Can you sense the difference?
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Your misfortune is my fault
Back to the second belief, “I am able to help you.”
So often we assume naturally that our “helping” does lead to some kind of
improvement. Our inner dialogue might circle around what consequences it might have
when we don’t help, but rarely does it ask whether the kind of help that we have in mind
actually leads to desirable outcomes.
“Bob asks me to visit him. Oh no. Actually, I really don’t feel like it. He will just keep
turning problems over in his mind! Like always! No!!! But… I can’t not go. I’m his friend
after all. He needs me. I can help him. If I don’t, it’s denial of assistance. And if he falls
into depression, because he had no one to talk to… it will be my fault… I can’t allow that
to happen…”
Don’t we often think along these lines? If a give my friend some good advice, he will
benefit from it. If I listen to his problems for hours and hours, he will feel better! If I visit
him, it will prevent him from the worst. If I don’t do any of this, I am a heartless egoistic
monster and fully responsible for his misery!
Correct me if I’m wrong.
But does this kind of thinking have any substance at all?
Let’s see. Have you ever been down? Times in which you felt really shitty, to put it
bluntly? Go back to how you were feeling then.
Did you want to see anybody? Were you interested in the good advice other people
had for you? Did you want to go out? Did you want any people in a good mood around
you?
Let’s assume a good friend came to visit you in those days, and his visit was indeed
pleasant. But did it bring you a long-lasting improvement of your state of wellbeing?
And now the other side: Can you remember any situation in which someone who was
in a bad condition listened to your ideas and followed your advice? If yes, how exactly
did that come about? How was your inner attitude when you were talking to him?
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As we have seen in the last chapters: What is the reason for how I feel? Exactly, it is
my thinking. And who is responsible for my thinking? I am! So who has the key to my
well-being? I have!
Let’s transfer this to a person in your life who has problems. Choose one.
What is the reason for how he is? His thinking and the actions resulting from it.
Who is responsible for this thinking and his actions? He is!
Who has the key to his well-being? He has!
What am I doing?
For me, the conclusion to all the questions we have asked is that I cannot bring about
a change from the outside. The reason for someone else’s misery lies in her thinking,
and only she can change that. However, this does not mean, that I cannot have a helpful
impact on her through my presence, loving acceptance and support. But it is simply
neither in my power nor my job to fix some else from the outside.
I can visit her and I can listen, but I cannot save her through that if she refuses
change. My attempt to help her could even prolong his suffering. You know how good it
can feel momentarily to complain and have someone to listen to it: I am heard, someone
sees me, someone pays attention to me. But through my listening the other one could
also feel confirmed in her thinking. If I don’t pay attention I could end up making her
stories even more real! I mean, if someone listens to my stories for hours, they must be
true - and entertaining, right?
Plus the other one might learn that she gets attention and love if she feels bad and
complains. Because she is not or only very little in contact with the love inside of her
(otherwise she wouldn’t feel depressed) this can act as confirmation: “I knew it! Only
when I feel bad I finally get the love I have always yearned for! It works! I should better
stay here!”
Of course this might be a bit exaggerated, but I want to make my point as clear as
possible. In the above described case I function as a drug. I temporarily bring some relief
by enabling my friend to avoid the confrontation with herself. Later comes the hangover!
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What would happen, on the contrary, if I didn’t visit her and didn’t listen to her stories?
It could happen that the depressive thoughts get more: “Even my closest friends no
longer come and visit me. Now the truth is showing… nobody likes me… my life is
worthless… I have nothing worth living for…”
The point is, though: All these thoughts have already existed before, with or without
me. Now there is merely nothing left to distract my friend from them. And this can be a
starting point for a healing. How is she supposed to become aware of the cause of her
misery as long as I support her in not facing it?
Does that mean that we are no longer supposed to care about people who need
help? And that we are totally powerless when it comes to helping them?
Heavens, no! What’s important first though is to realize how we can be “truly helpful”6,
so say it with words from A Course in Miracles, and that might have little to nothing to do
with our earlier ideas about help. Initially I need to become aware of when I am helpful
and when I am not. It is important to let go of fear and guilt as fuel for our attempts to
help. Thoughts like “I need to help” cause stress and anxiety and lead us into a whirlwind
of activism that doesn’t help anyone. A lot of fuss about nothing! And they also cloud the
fact that being there for other people is something natural that happens all by itself as
long as our thinking is not in the way.
I baldly have to admit that the way I used to want to help people maybe wasn’t that
helpful at all. This takes away the power, thoughts like “It is my fault if my friend feels
bad, because I don’t visit him” hold over me, and I am free to be really helpful when the
time has come.
Maybe I realize that I really do want to visit my friend who is in trouble. Wonderful!
Doesn’t that feel a lot better than going there because my bad consciousness
commands me to? What a relief! And maybe I really do not want to go, it just doesn’t feel
right, and I know, that is ok, too. I want to end the pattern of affirming her stories that has
kept the cycle of suffering going. The best way for me to do this right now might be to
stay away for a while. Besides, on a planet with about six billion people there enough
other potential helpers around should I not be available.
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At the same time I know I am willing to be there for her when the time is right.
When my heart leads me to visit my friend, I can be extremely helpful by simply being
present. When my goal is not to “save” her, but to enjoy being together with the
wonderful being that he is, regardless of his current state, then I will most likely radiate
exactly the quality of heart that she needs. There is something in the air that she can
feel, and might just help him to start questioning thoughts “No one cares about me” or
“There is no sense in anything” himself. I don’t need to say a word!
Willingness
Yes, we can have a healing influence on the world around us. It becomes possible
when we live from our heart and demonstrate peace and thus give living examples that
there is a way out of fear, depression and conflict.
When we emanate these qualities we can also remind others of them. It is then as if a
long buried knowledge is awakened, a longing, a yearning, a remembering. There is a
better way to live. Somewhere deep inside we all know it. We are onto something. We
feel that it is important. And we do not give up! We want to find it!
What we hearing the our heart calling us, the only thing that can awaken us from our
lethargy.
This can be one way to make us willing to try something new.
The other way, which is far more often, is a big crisis, a nervous breakdown, a
depression or something of that nature. As long as we are halfway ok and can somehow
manage our lives, we keep continuing in our old patterns and hope against all reason
that they will finally get us what we so want.
Only when the extent of our misery can no longer be escaped and we really do not
know what to do next, the willingness arises to look for an alternative. We then want to
find a better way for our life because we clearly see that what we have done until has
only lead to destruction and pain. We are open for guideposts.
Without this willingness that has to come from the person himself, nothing will
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change.
We simply have assessed things wrongly.
As long as the other one is not willing, we overestimate the influence we have on him.
If he is not open, we don’t have any! By visiting my friend and listening to him I can only
give something to myself: the joy of being together. Every other motive will fail.
Besides our idea about how to help is wrong. Not by sacrificing myself, doing
“everything” for the other person and bombarding him with advice, but instead by living
love and peace and sharing it with him as well as I can. By giving advice only to myself,
and when it comes to others, at the best share my personal experience in the right
moment – if I am asked for it or I feel that my heart suggests it.
Just to make sure we don’t misunderstand each other: How do I know that it is the
moment to speak about my experience or share my point of view?
1. The other one asks me directly by saying something like: “Do you have any idea
what I could do?” or “What would you do in my place?” or “What do you think?”
2. The words kind of float up from my heart and want to be expressed. In this case I
can sense that I am touched by what I hear, that my heart is open and I feel close
to the other person. What I say brings us closer together instead of creating
distance.
An open heart can feel like something very warm in your chest or as if your heart is
expanding. Notice how it feels for you.
And when I am not sure if it is a good moment to share, I can simply ask, without
pushing anyone: “I would like to tell you my experience in a similar situation. Would you
like to hear it?”
Ways out of the trap “I Am Able To Help You”:
❤ As soon as I catch myself believing that I urgently need to help someone through
advice and action:
Remember how I can be truly helpful – and how I’m not!
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7th Trap: Pseudo empathy
Being heard is everything
It is wonderful summer’s day. Mr. Busy is sitting outside at a table in a restaurant and
is enjoying his lunch break, including a well-sized meal. Mr. Hungry comes along and
stops in front of Mr. Busy’s table. The have never met before.
Mr. Hungry: “I haven’t had any food in days!”
Mr. Busy: “I hear you are hungry!”
Mr. Hungry: “Yes, exactly.”
Mr. Busy: “I guess you must be starving!?”
Mr. Hungry: “I actually do feel pretty dead.”
Mr. Busy: “And you would like the people around you to really see how you are and
support you?!”
Mr. Hungry: “Well, yes, it would be awesome to get something to eat!”
Mr. Busy: “Yes, I hear you, something to eat would be great now! Isn’t it wonderful when
we are connected like this and really hear each other?”
Mr. Hungry smiles, full of hope: “I agree, the world is a much nice place now.”
Mr. Busy: “With all my heart I wish you that you receive what you need. It was lovely to
talk to you and be close to you! Thank you! Goodbye!”
Have you ever had one of those?
Is Mr. Busy empathic with Mr. Hungry?
Form versus content
I find this is a very vivid example for the difference of form and content of Nonviolent
Communication.7 You will find dissonance or think NVC doesn’t work when form and
content get mixed up.
According to the form, which is the words that he used, Mr. Busy can definitely claim
to have “given empathy”. He heard and mirrored Mr. Hungry’s feelings and needs –
maybe apart from the last sentence. Even when not offering Mr. Hungry any food, Mr.
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Busy can formally refer to NVC: “Our needs need to be heard more than they need to be
met.”8 He acknowledged Mr. Hungry’s need and decided to leave the strategy how to
meet it open – any problem here? But doesn’t a kind of uncomfortable feeling remain?
How is it for you?
When we look at the content, meaning at what the original intention of NVC, the
whole case looks completely differently. We see clearly, that empathy is about an
authentic connection between me and the other, about meeting heart to heart.
When I am coming from my heart and I hear the words “I am hungry”, what happens?
I might hear myself saying: “Can I offer you anything to eat? What would you like? Have
a seat.” My hand reaches out to the plate and puts it in front of my new friend. I do not
reflect about whether this fits into the time frame of my lunch break or what the people at
the table to the left or the right are thinking about me. It is more like it happens all by
itself, and I savor the other one’s joy about what he has received. Feels at least as good
as having food myself!
Rosenberg describes this joyous feeling with how a young boy feels when he feeds a
hungry duck. The boy is completely absorbed in giving, and the duck in receiving.
If we are present in our hearts and we notice something we can do to improve
another person’s life, it will happen as if all by itself, and it makes us happy.
Fearful thoughts like “That’s impossible now!”, “People don’t do that!”, “What’s going
to happen if I do this now?” or “What are the guys over there going to think of me?” keep
us from giving. But contrary to what we might conclude from these thoughts, namely that
it is safer to hold back and not give, we deny ourselves an opportunity to do something
for ourselves. The joy that we feel when we give from our heart is a gift to ourselves that
we miss if we close up and let the voice in our head keep us from doing what our heart
wants.
In giving from the heart our true self shows that is so often in our daily lives buried
under thick layers of fear and hurt. When we listen to our heart we find back to
ourselves, our vitality and our zest for life. What we give from our heart has the
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interesting characteristic to not exhaust us, but to inspire us and fill us with energy!
This form of giving has nothing to do with the reluctant sharing that we were told to do
as children, what we were supposed to do because it was morally correct and “nice”.
Instead it means to simply do what feels best to ourselves. And just to make sure you
don’t get me wrong – depending on the circumstances, this can also mean not to give.
This is not about giving at any cost, but about following one’s own inner guidance in
every moment.
Disconnected from one’s self
If connection and giving feel so good, why doesn’t Mr. Busy just do it?
We have already touched on the answer, and it can be summarized in one word:
Fear.
It can be the fear of not having enough for one’s own needs if we share, the fear
about what other people could think if we let someone “like that” sit at our table, or
maybe the fear that other one has some bad intentions. Maybe he is just diverting my
attention by talking to me, while his friend hast already sneaked up on me and is about
to skillfully pull my wallet out of my coat? These fears could be accompanied by thoughts
like “He is just taking advantage of my good-heartedness, he should get himself a job! I
won’t put up with this! I’m not a charity organisation!”, “You can’t trust strangers!” “Who
knows what he is up to!” or “I do not want my meal to be disturbed!”
Further, I would guess that Mr. Busy is trapped in a kind of inner conflict. One the one
hand he is probably dealing with fears like the above mentioned, and on the other hand
he does sense that he is somehow not able to open his heart.
Every time we do not listen to our heart but to the voice of fear, we cut the connection
to ourselves. This leads to a massive discomfort which shows as huffiness, anger,
impatience or other unpleasant feelings. This discomfort normally makes us behave in of
the following three ways:
1. We blame another person for our bad feelings
2. We blame ourselves
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3. We distract ourselves and try to forget the uncomfortable feelings
Each one of us tends more or less to these behaviors.
In our example a reproach to the outside like “Why are you hanging around my
table?” could very well come along with some self-judgments like “My God, what a cold-
hearted guy I am! This guy is hungry and all I can think about is how to make him go
away! Help! What if anyone notices how cold I am!” Mr. Busy has no solution to his inner
conflict, but then an ingenious idea comes to his mind (and remember that this normally
happens unconsciously or half-consciously): He uses NVC – in the most literal sense of
the word. He chooses words and phrases that formally look like empathy, to which he
adds a smile on his face. On the inside, however, he stays at a distance. This way he
can appease both two inner parties at once: the one with the fears about what could
happen if he lets Mr. Hungry get closer and possibly even shares his food with him, and
the other one with the self-judgment and the fear of being seen as heartless.
Formulaically he hears Mr. Hungry’s feelings and needs. And because needs need to
be heard, but not necessarily met, nobody can blame him for anything. Even his inner
critic can’t!
So Mr. Busy can now intellectually calm himself down by telling himself he was a
model student of NVC. He can try to persuade himself that he has not only demonstrated
how great he is in listening and giving empathy, but also how well he has done in “setting
healthy boundaries” and taking care of his need to have lunch without being interrupted.
Unfortunately, this will not ease his discomfort.
The inner fulfillment we are longing for and so desperately try to achieve only comes
when we live from our heart.
And we know exactly when we do not listen to it. Our unhappiness and our bad
conscience tell us. But instead of turning inside and asking what would be necessary to
make it right, we tend to get aggressive and justify our action. This is normal, because
sadly the insight that this discomfort comes from cutting us off from ourselves is not
widely spread, and even lesser is the knowledge what to do to feel better again. The
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known and commonly used coping strategies consist of fruitless efforts to get rid of our
unwanted feelings by accusations, justifications or numbing ourselves.
Peace wanted
In short, the core to understanding Mr. Busy’s behavior lies in realizing that he is
trying to silence the uncomfortable something in him. But he doesn’t really know how.
Most likely he really fears that the truth about him is he is cold and heartless. He
judges himself for that and wants to hide it. And so he plays the role of the empathic guy,
because he does not trust himself that he doesn’t need to play a role for that and that it
could be his true nature. As long as he thinks there is really something bad about him
that needs to be masked, he has no chance but to cut himself off from his inside,
including his heart. You can’t cut yourself of partially. It’s all or nothing. This makes it
impossible for him to learn about his caring nature.
The belief “I am cold and heartless” further leads to “But nobody must find out,
otherwise they won’t like me anymore!” and “So at least I have to pretend. I will put all
my effort into learning NVC and will only speak in the four steps. Then nobody will ever
doubt again that I am a good person, and finally I will be loved and acknowledged.”
Apart from that, a belief like “I am cold and heartless” of course leads to a huge fear
of closeness. How can I let another person get close to me if I believe something like this
about myself? I have to believe that anyone who comes near me will eventually discover
the “horrible truth” about me, judge me and leave me – and to make it worse, tell
everyone else what a despicable person I am.
As long as I carry such a negative belief about myself with me, I cannot be
authentically empathic. And again, all of this stuff mostly goes on in our subconscious
mind, so we normally don’t even know what is happening.
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I am so empathic
I would like to give another example for such pseudo empathy so you can even better
identify it.
In the relationship to my husband I remember a very difficult phase during which we
had many fights. I heard a lot of critic and accusations and regularly got very angry with
him. I demanded him to stop talking to me like that, take responsibility for his feelings –
by the way, really good advice for myself! – and to please express himself using the four
steps.
And to demonstrate how advanced I was, I would sit there for hours, listening to him
and replying with phrases like “I hear you are upset because you need more
understanding”, while mentally and emotionally I was elsewhere. It was horribly
exhausting to wrestle down my own feelings and sit there and play the nonviolent role,
while really I just wanted to be left alone – or that was what I thought at that time! The
only thing I wanted was to get away from him, and it took me years to find out, that what
I really wanted was to get away from myself! To get some distance between me and
those unbearable feelings.
From the level of consciousness I had at that time, I was doing the best I could to
save my relationship, and I just could not understand, why my husband simply got more
and more upset and things escalated.
Intellectually I knew the rule that says it is always about me when I get upset, but in
those difficult moments with him I was not able to see that. At some point though it did
dawn on me that this was the case. The issue was that something in me agreed with
what he said about me. I was horribly angry, but beneath my anger was a tremendous
pain which consisted of my own self-rejection.
I did not allow emotional closeness, which he in turn felt. I had forgotten my love to
him, lost all trust in it and desperately tried to replace it by pseudo-love. My goal was to
prove to him, me and the world what a great progress I had made in Nonviolent
Communication, and so I would give him empathy, come hell or high water. If this
relationship fell apart, at least nobody could blame me. At the same time the real issue
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was that I had forgotten how to love myself.
Clearing the jungle
Self-love and honesty are also the ways out of pseudo empathic behavior. It requires
the honesty to admit that right now we can’t be authentically empathic, and then the
reconnection to oneself.
Pseudo-empathy is a wakeup-call telling me that I am triggered and want to keep
someone at bay to prevent myself from losing control about my inside. I have been
reminded of the pain I carry about me, and I want to forgot it again as quickly as
possible, because I do not know what else to do.
When I catch myself in pseudo-empathy mode, I can ask which fear I am trying to
escape. Something in me wants to be expressed, but maybe I do not know how and am
afraid to explode and to damage either the relationship or my reputation, or both.
Therefore I cling to the supposedly safe structure of the four steps.
What is it that I think I can’t handle right now? Which painful belief about myself have
the words or action of the other person reminded me of? That I have done something
wrong or that I am not lovable?
Do I maybe think it is heartless of me to not listen to the other one right now, but to
take care of myself? But maybe it is rather heart-less to pretend in my current state that I
am listening – without being connected to my heart? I can’t reach the other person like
that anyway.
What does my heart want to tell me in this situation? Listening to it can bring the
much needed, freeing impulse.
In the beginning, you will find it easiest to take some time out to listen to yourself and
to continue the conversation later. Then, after a while, you might notice that you can do
the inner work and reconnection to yourself during the conversation itself. But please be
patient with yourself. As a rule of thumb, it can take years to get to this point. That is
absolutely normal and does not mean you are not good enough. After all, this is the
biggest project of relearning that you have ever undertaken.
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The more you find out that your heart is big, you will have less and less reason to
think you are bad, mean or otherwise defect. In the course of this process, the urge to
fake empathy will disappear, and you will less and less find yourself in the place of Mr.
Busy.
And what if you notice that you are playing the role of Mr. Hungry and have
encountered a Mr. Busy?
Then you could decide to
- leave the situation and ask other people to help you
- or try and alleviate Mr. Busy’s fear by giving him empathy.
Speaking of it: Did Mr. Hungry actually make a specific request for what he wanted?
Why not? Let’s give him another chance to get some food into his stomach. The
following dialogue is of course artificial, but is designed to show you different possibilities
how Mr. Hungry can respect his own needs and at the same time maintain the
conversation with Mr. Busy (if he wants to):
Mr. Hungry: “I haven’t had any food in days!”
Mr. Busy: “I hear you are hungry!”
Mr. Hungry: “Yes, exactly.”
Mr. Busy: “I guess you must be starving!?”
Mr. Hungry: “I actually do feel pretty dead.”
Mr. Busy: “And you would like the people around you to really see how you are and
support you?!”
Mr. Hungry: “Well, yes, it would be awesome to get something to eat! And I have the
impression that you understand me. Would you be willing to share some food with me?”
Mr. Busy: “ Excuse me, how dare you beg me for food just like that?”
Mr. Hungry: “Do you feel uncomfortable with it?”
Mr. Busy: “Indeed!. I can’t feed all the world, you know! I mean, how would that look?”
Mr. Hungry: “Yes sure, that’s your food.”
Mr. Busy: “Yes!”
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Mr. Hungry: “And you would prefer to be left alone?”
Mr. Busy: “Yes, but you know, it really annoys me when people do not take responsibility
for themselves. Why don’t you work for your living instead of getting on my nerves
here?”
Mr. Hungry: “You would like that everyone take responsibility for themselves? Hmm.
That makes sense. Maybe I should change something about my life? I will think about
it… thank you for your suggestion and your honesty. Would you have an idea what I
could do? After all it looks like you are doing better than I am.”
Mr. Busy: “Well, how did you end up like this?”
Mr. Hungry: “That is a long story. Thank you for asking. I would love to tell you … but
right now I am starving, so I will take care of that first. I will go and see where I can get
some food. How about I come back later, and if you are still here, we could continue
talking? I am really interested in the ideas you might have for me. You seem to know
how to do it. You know, actually I feel very embarrassed to not be able to pay my food.”
Mr. Busy: “Oh well, you know what, why don’t you just stay here, I have ordered too
much for me alone anyway. Would you like to share? I can also order more!”
Mr. Hungry: “Thank you!”
Another hint: Mr. Hungry will only succeed in building a connection to Mr. Busy, if he
is not driven by the motivation to make Mr. Busy give anything to him.
Should he not be able to do that, it would be better to turn to someone who is easier
to approach. He must not let thoughts like “I should have compassion for Mr. Busy” or “I
need to give him empathy” trick him and keep him from doing what is right for him.
Ways out of the trap “Pseudo empathy”:
❤ Take time out
❤ Ask myself: What fear is inside of me that I am afraid to look at? What do I
believe about myself? What do I want to prove to myself?
❤ What does my heart want now?
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8th Trap: What Is Your Problem? I Am Only Living NVC!
How to fool yourself without noticing it
It’s all NVC
Four times in the last three months, Stewart hasn’t shown up for meetings with his
friend Bob. Stewart would cancel shortly before the meetings when Bob was already on
his way or had even arrived at the meeting point.
Now they are sitting together, and Bob would like to address the issue:
Bob: “When we have an appointment like last Monday in the café, and I am already
there and then I receive a text message from you saying you’re not coming, I get angry,
because I would like you to respect my time.
Stewart: “I hear you are angry because you would like your time management to be
respected.”
Bob: “Exactly! I kept the whole afternoon free to see you, it took me half an hour to get
here, and then you were not there.”
Stewart: “That must be very frustrating.”
Bob: “Yes! Very frustrating! You know, I have a lot to do and plan my day around
meeting you, and then, when you don’t show up and on top of that you tell me when I’m
already there and the whole thing costs me 1 ½ hours of my afternoon drivng back and
forth and waiting for you … then I wonder whether our friendship means anything to you
at all.”
Stewart: “Would you like a confirmation that our friendship does mean something to me?
Bob: “I would like a confirmation that you have heard what I said and that you
understand how annoying it is for me when you cancel our meeting last-minute. Could
you please tell me what you have heard me say?”
Stewart: ”Sure! I heard you say that it is very annoying for you when you have planned to
meet me and especially freed up time for it, and I don’t show up. And you are angry
because you would have liked to use these 1 ½ hours for something different.”
Bob: “That’s it! And friendship for me also means mutual support and consideration, and
for me that includes keeping appointments – except in rare emergency cases – and, if
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I’m not able to keep a commitment to meet then it means to inform the other person
early enough.“
Stewart: “I hear that support and consideration are important to you.”
Bob: “Yes! And reliability!”
Stewart: “You need reliability, I get that.”
Bob: “Fine. Would you be willing from now on to only make an appointment with me if
you are absolutely sure that you want it and that it fits into your plans for the day?”
Stewart: “I will do my best.”
Bob: “And, when you are not able to keep it, tell me as soon as you realize? Let’s say, at
the latest until two hours before, except for emergencies, of course.”
Stewart: “That sounds good, I agree!”
Bob leaves and wonders why that lovely, pleasant feeling of being connected to
Stewart hasn’t come yet – but ignores it because his thinking says: “Stewart has heard
you and declared himself willing to change his behavior. It’s ok, don’t worry!”
Two days later. Bob is sitting in the same café waiting for Stewart. His mobile phone
makes a ring tone. A text message: “I am so sorry, I won’t make it, I had totally forgotten
that it’s my niece’s birthday today, am already on my way there, picking up a present.
Thanks for understanding, Stewart.”
A formally correct example?
In this chapter we will take another look at how NVC can be expressed formally
correct but with its intention turned upside down justified by the statement: “Needs must
be heard, but not necessarily met.”
I want to probe a kind of behavior that is characterized by excusing words and actions
that, according to the values of our society are clearly agreed upon as “not ok”, and
suddenly labelling them “nonviolent”. And the reason given is: “I am only taking care of
my needs!” When someone does that, he often leaves the person he is talking with
confused, because his words contradict what is happening on a deeper level. The other
one feels the dissonance, but has difficulties understanding why. This is common when
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form and content of the interaction do not match.
The scene described above is a very good example. Formally Stewart has
exemplified Nonviolent Communication. He seemed to be listening with empathy and
agreed to Bob’s request. Two days later, in real life, he does not keep the agreement.
But still he formally acts within the framework of NVC which says, it is ok to break
agreements if important needs make it necessary. Right? We could say that by his
decision to take time for his niece’s birthday, Stewart is meeting certain needs like
community, family, belonging, generosity.
In the meantime, Bob is left with his familiar frustration. Something sits heavily on his
stomach, but he can’t really put his finger onto what it is. Now what? He tries to talk
about it with Stewart. Stewart’s reaction is: “I am only living NVC and taking care of my
needs. If you have a problem with what I’m doing, then make sure to get the necessary
empathy from someone.”
And again, isn’t Stewart formally right? Get empathy! Yes! Darn!
Everyone is playing his role
Bob looks like the victim here. Again Stewart has let him down, even after Bob has
really openly and honestly tried to clarify the issue. But: Has Bob really tried?
Let’s build on what we have learned in the previous chapter.
Why does Bob make appointments with Stewart in the first place? The dynamics we
have been witnessing suggest that this relationship can’t have been too fulfilling lately –
there have already been four incidents like this in the last three months. Is something
boiling beneath the surface? Is there an unresolved conflict? Do the two still share things
to talk about?
For some reason the relationship to Stewart seems important to Bob, although it often
leaves him frustrated.
This is often because of one of two reasons:
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1. Bob believes Stewart has something that he himself lacks and needs.
Maybe Steward has certain traits that Bob admires and which he hopes he could
acquire them by being together with Stewart. Maybe he would like to as articulate
as Stewart? Be more able to assert himself? Also dare to say no sometimes?
Or maybe it’s about certain advantages Bob gets from being friends with Stewart:
Does Stewart know important people? Is he a business partner? Does Bob believe
he can’t succeed without Stewart’s support in some area of his life?
2. Secretly, Bob likes playing the victim role, because after every episode with
Stewart he gets a lot of comforting attention and empathy from other NVC-friends.
The fact that Stewart keeps giving priority to other things is another indicator that the
relationship is not that good. It could be that his behavior is showing something that
Stewart is either not fully aware of or doesn’t know how to address, namely that
something stands between them.
Instead of seeing himself as Stewart’s victim, Bob could try to get to the bottom of the
issue and check out what the matter is. Does Bob hold a grudge against Stewart? Is
there something he hasn’t forgiven him? Is his heart really open? Unfortunately, people
notice when we harbor any kind of unpleasant feeling towards them. Mostly this happens
unconsciously – the other one gets aggressive or withdraws without realizing what he is
doing or what makes him do it.
At this point, each one of the two could take the first step by finding out for himself
what he is feeling, what is driving him and what his heart wants to express here. You
don’t need the other one for this inner process of getting clear about yourself and it often
leads to an improvement of the relationship. Frustrating relationships like that of Bob and
Stewart happen to us because unconsciously we want to get something.
The same goes for Stewart, and it could very well be that this is the reason why the
two have found each other. As Marshall Rosenberg says, conflicts often arise, when
both sides try to get the same need met – from the person in front of them!
Actually, Stewart gives himself away when saying “If you have a problem with what
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I’m doing, then make sure to get the necessary empathy from someone.” Obviously he is
afraid to face Bob, or, to be more accurate, the uncomfortable feelings that Bob brings to
the surface in him.
Once again we can see how we tend to let our behavior be driven by hidden agendas.
We get into trouble when we want something from the other person, and this something
can always be traced back to being some kind of affirmation that we are ok, good and
worthy of love, because long ago we have already judged ourselves to be anything but
that. Either we want this confirmation directly from the other person or we hope that he
will give us something that will make others give us this confirmation, following logic like:
“You will teach me how to assert myself, and then my wife will finally no longer think of
me as a wimp.”
As long as we refuse to become aware of fear-inducing self-rejection festering inside
of us and question it, we are guaranteed us conflict and frustration in our relationships.
We play games and constantly feel exhausted and wonder what is going on. We keep
banging our head on the wall and have no clue, why.
What do I want from you?
The way out of this trap is the same as in the last chapter:
lovingly questioning our agenda.
Above all we need one thing: Honesty, honesty and more honesty. Let’s look closer
when we are about to see ourselves as victim and blame others, and when we notice
that we have a big interest in selling ourselves as “good”, nonviolent” and “on the right
path”.
Are we really being nonviolent? What about violence towards ourselves?
Let’s verify our intention. Again and again, especially when applying NVC! You see, it
is indeed possible to use NVC not to be less violent then we have been before, but
more! This can be the case when we lose the intention and it becomes more important to
us to be seen as nonviolent from the outside than to turn towards ourselves and the
people in our lives. Then we add denial to violence. The form has been alienated to
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change its intention to the contrary.
A few more examples from everyday life:
Violence is …
- ... when I listen to my friend complaining about her problems on the phone for hours,
although I am fed up with it, but I am afraid to say so because I am worried to be
called a bad friend who lets people down when they are in need.
- ... when I say yes to a family dinner I do not want to go to and go anyway, smiling,
being nice, pretending I am listening, and participating in boring small-talk. I go
because I tell myself: “If I don’t go, they will be disappointed”, “My family expects it
of me” or “When I stay at home it means I am a loner”.
- ... when I preach mutual support and solidarity and to demonstrate that I am serious
about it, agree to water my neighbor’s plants while he is on holiday, although I
know I am lousy at taking care of plants. And then the plants are dead when he
returns.
What did we say was the cause of this? It’s the fear of the truth about ourselves, a
vague “I am most likely a horrible person, better not look to close, and just in case I will
carefully hide behind a mask!” hand in hand with the fear of what others could think of
us. Because the others are supposed to give us the proof of love that will one day
hopefully silence our self-judgment.
This way the formal application of NVC can be an attempt to calm down the “inner
wolves”, as Marshall Rosenberg calls the self-judging inner voices.
Following your heart
The acknowledgement that behind every action lies an attempt to fulfill a need is
designed to lead us away from judgment and violence towards a more open heart
towards ourselves and everyone else. The goal is to be more compassionate and more
open, and not to justify one’s own violence by referring to one’s needs. The intention of
Nonviolent Communication is to look with forgiveness at the tragic errors and actions we
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and others have chosen, because we did not know any better.
But now, with what I have learned today, I do know better, and with the level of
consciousness I have reached today, I cannot continue as before. I am called to be
congruent in my words and actions as well as I possibly can and to take responsibility for
them.
And this call does not come from the outside, from some authority or abstract moral
rule that I submit to, but out of my heart. If I do not follow my heart, I hurt me. The more I
experience the truth behind these words, the less I have a choice: I have to live and act
from my heart.
It is I who wants to take a new path, and to do so means to be true to myself and
gives something to me.
Over time, the path of nonviolence becomes one of no-return. You can’t go back
because it feels too painful.
The nice feeling that chase after doing so many crazy twists and turns is already
there inside of us when we follow our heart.
Ways out of the trap: “What is your problem?”
❤ Take time out
❤ Ask myself: What hidden agenda might I have? What do I want to prove to myself
and others? What inner voices do I want to silence by presenting myself as
someone who is living NVC?
❤ What does my heart want now?
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9th Trap: My Need Will Be Met the Way I Tell You
Now to the last of the four steps of Nonviolent Communication: the request.
After we have identified our feelings and needs, this step is about finding concrete
strategies to meet our needs by making a request to ourselves or another person.
In order to increase the chance for our request to be accepted, two things are
important:9
1. Frame it in positive action language:
Say, what you want, and not, want you don’t want, e.g.:
“Stop nagging at me!”
Turns into
“Could you tell me how exactly I can help you in this moment?”
2. Say as precisely as possible what the other person can do:
“Can you do some more around the house?”
Turns into
“Would you be willing to wash the car every first Saturday of the month?”
That doesn’t sound too difficult, does it? But as we will see, this step also has its
stumbling stones.
Out of the head – into the connection!
The first one is to approach the whole thing with our head. Phrasing the request is a
part of searching for a suitable strategy to meet needs.
In my experience, the strategy mostly reveals itself when we are fully connected with
ourselves or with the other – and in truth there is no difference between the two. When I
am in connection with my feelings and needs, then the connection to the other person
happens effortlessly. It is more as if there is only a general “connected” or
“disconnected”.
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Connection comes along with an opening of heart and mind. And then often
surprisingly sudden, creative ideas come up all by themselves.
Thomas d’Ansembourg gives a vivid example for this. He tells the story of a couple
who got into a fight because one of them had planned dinner at a restaurant for their
evening together, and the other one dinner at home with a movie afterwards. After
getting clear about their needs the mutually satisfying idea came up to have a picnic at
one of their favourite spots outside.10
Such ideas may seem like divine guidance or higher inspiration. Their characteristic is
that they appear in a moment where we do not actively search for a solution, but instead
have let go and enjoy the feeling to be with the other person. Strategies coming up this
way are strategies what work, in the sense that everyone feels comfortable with them
and willing to follow through with them.
This ease with which solutions can appear is often blocked if in step four we start
“thinking” about what request to make or what strategy to use. By “thinking” I here mean
an active, conscious searching with our head. This will quickly kick us out of the
connection because connection doesn’t happen on the level of our head thinking, but on
the level of our heart. You could compare it with thinking about tomorrow’s shopping
while being in bed with your lover – it takes you out of the now, away from yourself, your
feelings and the other one.
Thereby we often come up with strategies that somehow don’t “feel good” to everyone
and have the strange tendency to not be followed.
I would like to illustrate this using the example with washing the car: Barbara asks
Hugh to wash the car every first Saturday of the month. Now, if this suggestions does
not result from a connected moment between the two but more from Barbara’s head, it
can happen that Hugh agrees in this moment (for example, because he doesn’t want to
get into a discussion and prefers to be left alone), but for mysterious reasons the car
never gets washed.
We can get driven to the thinking approach if we let ourselves be put under pressure
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by the instructions how to make a request:
“Oh, so now I first need to find out what exactly I want, and then to express it in
positive action language, be explicit… how on earth do I do that?” and there we are, the
mind is spinning at top speed and the connection we felt a moment earlier has
disappeared into nowhere, because our head has taken command again.
My suggestion here is: Why don’t you take the instructions more as a checklist that
you apply after a good idea has come to you in the moment of connection? First priority
is on the connection, namely the connection to you! From there result the connection to
the other person as well as the creative idea that shows when we listen into ourselves
and stop thinking with our head. And when the idea has shown, then it can be helpful to
check whether the verbal expression of it that we have in mind is phrased in positive
action language and explicitly or not.
It can also happen that no idea shows up, and this is nothing to worry about. This
often happens when allowing the connection and enjoying the moment together is the
answer to the unmet need. In this case – and you will be surprised to find out how often
it is – maybe nothing needs to be “done” anymore.
And isn’t a real connection to ourselves and others the one big need that is hidden
behind so many others and that we are often not aware of?
When this need is met, many problems that seemed to exist before simply vanish into
thin air.
In living NVC, focus more than anything on this connection and on simply letting the
rest of it happen.
And when look for a strategy, try patiently listening to what arises from inside of you
instead of working on trying to find one with your head.
The intention behind the request
The second stumbling block lies in a hidden agenda coming in though the back door.
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Rosenberg states how important it is to be aware of the intention behind the request
and clearly says: “If our goal is only to change other people and their behavior or to
enforce our will, then NVC is not the appropriate tool. (...) The goal of NVC is to create
relationships on the basis of openness and compassion (Claire, can you find the original
wording of this quote in the book? You have it, right? Should be around page 100. Would
help a lot…).”11
The importance of this statement cannot be estimated highly enough, because it is
often forgotten. When we have detected an unmet need in us, in step four we tend to
concentrate so much on how to get it met that the relationship to the other one becomes
secondary.
This danger is especially high when becoming aware of the need comes along with a
lot of pain. The pain pushes us, and we want a solution, we want a remedy to make it go
away. If we don’t stay vigilant here, our request will easily be overshadowed by an
aggressive attitude that leads to resistance in the person we are dealing with.
The reason for our aggressiveness lies mainly in two (unconscious) beliefs that could
be put into words as follows:
1. “My pain is so big, he/ she MUST respond to my request if he/ she loves me.
Nobody can seriously expect me to think of an alternative.” or
2. “I HAVE to have this request answered, because it is my only chance. I see no
other way to get my need met, so I don’t have room for negotiation.
If beliefs like these shows up in us, we will start putting pressure on the other person.
Our request is no longer a request to which the other person is free to answer with “No”.
Because on the inside it feels like this is about our survival, we make a demand. If this
demand is not followed, we will punish the other one for it. We sulk, we play insulted,
make accusations of how egoistic the other one is, and we pressure him. The question
here is: What is it about for me? What is more important: my desperate attempts to
enforce my will or the relationship?
Like I already said, this kind of behavior causes resistance in the person we are
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talking to, which in turn can lead the one who makes the request to the assumption that
NVC “simply doesn’t work, although I have done everything exactly the way Rosenberg
says”.
Here also the determining factor is my inner attitude in what I am saying and not the
words that I use. I also find this a very tangible point for seeing how it is our own pain
(and with pain I mean any feeling that we do not like and want to avoid) that keeps us
from meeting the other. The bigger the pain, the bigger the tendency to quickly do
something about it, no matter what it costs us, and be it the relationship.
Here it helps to bring awareness to the situation, to observe what is going on, to allow
the pain and to feel it.
We will talk more about that in the next chapter.
Ways out of the trap: “My Need Will Be Met the Way I Tell You”:
❤ Remember the value of the connection
❤ When phrasing a request/ looking for a strategy: Listen to the ideas that arise
from inside
❤ Turn off the head
❤ Become aware of potential hidden agendas
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10th Trap: It’s Only A Strategy!
Escape from oneself
Julia: “I just don’t know what I want! I can’t make up my mind!”
Anna: “But didn’t you tell me two days ago that you would wanted to take a year off and
travel around the world? And your eyes were sparkling, your voice was full of
enthusiasm, and your whole face was glowing! Is that not true anymore?”
Julia: “Well, yes, but you know, that is only a strategy for my need for inspiration. There
are many other strategies to meet that need – if I just knew which one! It’s so difficult…”
Do you also tend to sometimes run over your wishes and dreams? Because you think
they are unrealistic or silly? And anyway – you need to earn your living (and support your
family), so there’s no time to dream, you just have to do what you have to do?
If you think along these lines and you know it, then at least it is clear that you decide
against your wishes and living your dreams. Nothing wrong with a conscious decision.
But through another misuse of NVC it is possibly to hide deciding against one’s
dreams to profoundly that you no longer know you are doing it.
The subject is again the fourth step of Nonviolent Communication: finding a strategy
to meet certain needs. NVC says that strategies are possible ways to meet needs. There
is always more than one strategy to meet a need. When I have the need for company,
for example, I can meet a friend (strategy 1), invite my neighbor for dinner (strategy 2),
and take my friends’ son out to the zoo (strategy 3) or many more.
The awareness that a certain choice is a strategy, and strategies are not unalterable
necessities but choices to take care of needs, is supposed to create an open-
mindedness that allows us to find mutually satisfying choices for all involved. It can be a
downright epiphany to realize something like: “I want to go to the cinema, because I
need a break! My husband prefers to go hiking – but for him, too, it’s about getting a
break! So we are not hopelessly different and there might be a strategy to spend the
afternoon together! Maybe we could simply … stay in bed?”
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Sometimes though this concept backfires. Then the well-intentioned flexibility is pretty
inflexible and rigidly directed against oneself. This happens when we have a very clear
inner picture of what we would like, but don’t dare to follow it and instead stubbornly
insist our inner picture to be “only a strategy” and that it was about “identifying the
underlying need and finding other strategies to meet it”.
A personal example for me was my wish to have children. During my first workshop
with Marshall Rosenberg he said, having children was a strategy. Although everything he
had said up to then had totally resonated with me, my inside revolted when I heard that.
For me, wanting to have children was a need – that is how strong a nonnegotiable this
desire felt.
Years later I had met my husband and got pregnant. Twice in a row I had a tubal
pregnancy and ended as emergency case in hospital. It took me months to get over it,
physically and emotionally.
After the second time I had lost all hope to ever have a successful pregnancy. I
seriously started facing the possibility that I might never be a mother, and I didn’t find it
easy to open up to this process. Still I came to see that my desire for a child indeed was
a strategy for certain needs. Bit by bit I could see that by having a child I wanted to
rediscover some parts of myself that seemed to have died over the years. I somehow
had this idea that a child would help me recapture my zest for life, my beauty and my
innocence. I did arrive at the point where I could imagine to live without children and to
find other ways to reaccess these parts of me – although it still felt kind of ”wrong.
And then I got pregnant again – and today I am the mother of a healthy, lively
daughter.
Inner signposts
By now I believe that we do receive signals from our inner guidance that are not
exchangeable. In me there had always been the picture of me being a mother – and I
was right, even though I could have found other ways to satisfy the needs I discovered
with it. Each one of us has unique qualities that want to be lived in order to enrich
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mankind. We are all part of an orchestra, and every instrument is needed. If the one who
was meant to be a piano player, decides to become a soccer player, the orchestra has a
problem. And the soccer player’s nightly dreams of giving virtuosic piano concerts are
not signs of a disturbed personality that need to be treated by some therapist, they are
his soul’s hints at the gift he is meant to give to the world.
What our inner guidance shows us is what fulfills us and makes us happy. And
although it is rather easy to experience that for ourselves – we only need to follow what
our inner voice suggest to us for a few times – we are still endlessly suspicious at what it
says. It scares us, because it challenges the patterns we are used to think and act long,
because it asks us to try something new, and because we mostly have no idea what the
outcome is going to be.
What happens when I take a year off and go for a trip around the world? I don’t know!
What happens if I start writing a book? I don’t know!
On the other side, I have often enough experienced that I if I insisted on doing
something although my inner voice gently warned me, in the end it always turned out to
be a bad idea.
But we want to know beforehand where a certain path will lead us (Is that ever
possible?), and above all we want to know that we have enough money and that our
friends and family please do not declare us as crazy.
And when the fears around our material and social existence reach a certain level,
then the time has come for the “strategy excuse”: “My trip around the world/ my book/ my
passion for children is only a strategy! I can find a different one!” actually means nothing
else than: “I want to find a way to silence the voice inside of me and at the same time
secure my material and social security.”
When a desire, an image or an inspired idea keep reappearing, then there are only
two possibilities: You try to ignore it or reason it away and keep on doing what you are
doing, or you follow it. To ignore it and reason it away is extremely exhausting and
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frustrating, a never ending fight against oneself and against life. To follow the inspiration
might need courage at the beginning, but it gets easier with every step. Every step that
we take while following our inner guidance is another step to a fulfilled life.
We can decide for or against our inner guidance – I simply advocate to do so with a
full awareness of what we are doing, and not to let fear redeclare clear inner signposts to
supposedly exchangeable strategies.
Ways out of the trap “It’s Only A Strategy”:
❤ Follow the inner guidance and face the fears resulting from it
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11th Trap: Pain? No, Thank You!
As mentioned earlier in the chapter about requests, suppressed pain heavily
sabotages our relationships to other people.
What is this pain anyway?
For me, this term describes a very, very uncomfortable feeling. Mostly it shows like a
tension around my stomach, it gives me the impression I was about to be torn apart, and
my entire body is stiff and tense. It’s hard to bear and sometimes I think I won’t survive
this feeling. As if the intensity of that something inside of me, that feels nothing but
horrible, was about to kill me and I needed to escape.
The essence of the feeling seems to be: I need to get away from this – from myself! I
literally want to jump out of my skin and bring the biggest distance possible in the entire
universe between me and this feeling.
Interestingly I have only come to discover this pain during the years when I started
consciously feeling my feelings. Had you asked me, say ten years ago, I wouldn’t have
had a clue about its existence, and would have firmly rejected any hint that I was
suffering from inner pain.
I have heard other people speak about the same development. The contrast between
pleasant and unpleasant feelings seems to grow, but we have simply become more
sensitive to what is going on. Is it so common in our society to be alienated from our
feelings to such a degree that we need years to learn to sense them again? And
because we are not used to them, we get the impression that we cannot bear them,
when we finally get in touch with them?
Violence: nothing more normal than that
Maybe we don’t have any choice but to cut ourselves off from our feelings for some self-
protection, because we do live in a world in which violence is normal. And this does not
only go for countries that are involved in military conflicts. You might find this statement
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daring and exaggerated, but I would like to invite you to take another look. Can we really
describe our society as peaceful? Is it human-friendly? Violence is not only a physical
thing. But unless violence is physical, it is usually overlooked or dismissed as irrelevant.
We are so used to it and don’t even see the omnipresent violence for what it is.
What else than commonly tolerated violence is it, when:
- we speak ill of others behind their back?
- we make fun of others?
- we devalue others?
- we deny help to people in adversity and justify it by saying it was their own fault?
- we don’t care about the needs of people at work, but instead concentrate only on
maximising profit?
- children in school are afraid of their teachers and the next exam?
- we ignore the opinions and wishes of children, scream at them, threaten and punish
them?
I believe that it is impossible to live in this world without being hurt at all. And the
chances that our wounds are recognized and healed are pretty bad, as long as the
denial of their reality according to the motto “That’s life! Get over it! Don’t be a wimp!” is
the common way to deal with things. At least until we consciously roll up our sleeves and
get to work.
So we all carry more or less pain around with us, and in the meantime I have become
very skeptical towards people who tell me their life or life in general was great. As long
as the person has not done the necessary healing work (and some people have!), this
are more likely to be cases of denial.
But back to our own lives: Every one of us can check whether he tends to ignore or
suppress his feelings with a little self-observation. Indicators can be:
- You haven’t cried in years
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- You often feel lonely and empty
- You neither feel pain nor enthusiasm in your life
- You find it difficult to calm your mind: In your head it thinks ceaselessly
- You easily feel irritated by other people
- You fill every tiny bit of free time with activity
- You get nervous and restless when you are alone with yourself without distraction
- You think you have no time to rest and relax
I invite you to pay attention and to track what is going on inside of you in your daily life
and how you react to it. I guarantee you will find out highly interesting things about
yourself.
My personal impression is that we do most of what we do to escape uncomfortable
feelings or to try to get rid of them. How about you? Would you like to find out? You
could start with checking into yourself the moment you catch yourself doing something
that you don’t like, for example giving in to one of the small addictions of daily life.
How do you feel the moment before you reach out to the beer/ the ice-cream/ the
cigarette/ the remote control? Of course I am not saying that all of these behaviors
always serve to suppress feelings, we are merely looking for starting points to our self-
discovery.
Things get even more interesting if you extend your self-observation to less obvious
behaviors. Has it ever crossed your mind, for example, that talking can also be an
attempt to escape our feelings? A nice example is this uneasy feeling that comes over
us when we are in a group of people where nobody is saying a word. A tightening, a
pressure on the chest, a feeling of stress – until finally someone says something again.
Anything. The most important thing is that we are back to talking. But does this
conversation come from a genuine wish to connect with each other and interest in the
other person, or does it mainly serve to get rid of unpleasant feelings?
What is your motivation when you pick up the phone to call a friend or family
member? Why do you go to that party you are invited to on the weekend? Any why on
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earth do you put so much effort into your appearance?
What feeling is there just a moment before the urgent desire for a new pair of summer
sandals showed up? Or for a new car? A new mobile phone, although your old one is
still fine?
What feeling is there, shortly before you are about to press some advice onto
someone? Before you interrupt someone? Before it comes to your mind to brag about
your success?
When you find it difficult to listen to someone?
Repressed pain prevents connection
It is very important for or subject to talk about suppressed feelings, because they
prevent connection. And as we have already seen, connection is the main goal of
Nonviolent Communication and mostly the one big unfulfilled need that keeps us restless
– while at the same time we unconsciously sabotage every way it could be fulfilled.
What happens, it this: an uncomfortable feeling arises. Mostly before we even
consciously become aware of it, the automated response is to refuse feeling it, and we
escape it by suppressing it or diverting ourselves.
In doing so, we of course deprive ourselves from the connection to ourselves and
thus from the connection to another person, because the latter depends on the first.
The interesting thing is:
There is a link between running away from one’s feelings and the violence towards
others. Violence can only happen in a state without connection. As long as I can feel the
connection to another person, my behavior is orientated towards the interests of both of
us. I do not act against the other one, but with him.
Violence originates from our own pain that urges us to act it out, and it does so the
more the less we are willing to face the pain.
If your desire is to see the fruits of the efforts you have put into Nonviolent
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Communication, then make sure not to suppress any feelings. Allow what comes up
from inside of you, which doesn’t mean that you should let it dictate your action!
Merely stay the observer of what is happening inside of you. Take all the time that you
need for it. Allow the feeling to arise fully until it subsides by itself – it will! Keep
breathing. We often hold our breath when inner pain comes up. This however causes the
pain to stay stuck. When you keep breathing, the pain and move through your body and
dissolve.
Freedom is possible
When you start allowing your feelings, please pay attention to the following: Resist the
potential temptation to sink into the pain. It is necessary to realize that it is there and to
allow it, but it’s not about clinging onto it. Do not analyse the feeling. It doesn’t matter
whether you know what caused it. Try to locate the feeling within the body. How exactly
does it feel? And then simply concentrate on your breathing, without trying to change it,
on the feeling, on the tears that might come, and then make the decision to no longer let
this pain drive your life. Consciously make the decision to be free from now on and to
live from your heart!
Feel the feeling, and then let it go.
This might sound too simple, but it works. Our inner power to make decisions is the
mostly underrated power we have. We can decide to be free from the old pain and our
old patterns. Sometimes we have to make this decision over and over again, thousands
of times, before it becomes permanent and we don’t fall back into our old habits, but
finally it will work. You will see.
It is especially powerful to ask for help. If it works for you, ask a friend to help you, to
be there and hold the space for you to help you feel the feeling, allow it to move though
you and to make a new decision. It can also be an invisible guide or friend or your
grandmother if that feels right for you.
Do make sure to ask for support if you have the impression that a certain feeling is too
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strong for you to bear. If you can’t think of any friend to be there for you, you might want
to look for a professional. You don’t have to go through this alone! You will discover that
feelings might be very uncomfortable, but that’s all. They can’t really harm you, and you
no longer need to let them drive you into reaction patterns that you don’t really want.
The inner pressure that has driven you into addictions or violent behavior will subside.
One step at a time you will experience yourself as free to react in a way that is really true
for you and no longer as a slave to your patterns. And suddenly you will find that things
also go a lot better with NVC.
Ways out of the trap “Pain – No, Thank You! “
❤ Ask for help
❤ Observe your feelings and how they drive your actions
❤ Breathe, feel your feelings fully and take all the time you need
❤ Make the decision to no longer let old patterns and pain drive you
❤ Let go of the feeling
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IV. The Mother of All Traps: I Want War!
All of the wolves in giraffe skin that we have seen so far share the same origin:
Our negative self-image combined with our belief that we lack something that leads
us to trying to deny it, hide it or get rid of it.
At the beginning of the book I mentioned the “inner warlord”, something inside of us
that unerringly makes sure to keep our relationships stuck in conflict and carefully hides
its intentions from our consciousness. Its main goal is to avoid closeness, driven by the
fear that someone could actually see the self that we have judged as ugly and confirm to
us that we are unacceptable. Apart from that closeness reactivates all the painful
feelings that we have put so much effort into suppressing because we think we can’t
handle them – especially because we believe that we can’t effectively do anything about
them. Ever wondered how couples end up hating each other...?
Distance gives me safety
As soon as we seriously attempt to solve our conflicts and find a better way in dealing
with ourselves and others, this inner something is put on high alert. Full of fear that we
will ultimately find rejection and will be helplessly at the mercy of our intolerable feelings,
it interprets our new course as declaration of war and immediately launches a roaring
counterattack. So, at the beginning of this path, uncomfortable feelings and fear will
temporarily increase.
Because of that, please don’t be surprised when the impression comes up that the
harder you try, the more difficult it gets. In the first phase – which can last years! – this is
definitely so for most people. And on top of these challenges in ourselves the people
around us seem to be even more hostile than they used to be.
This is normal. Please do not reproach yourself for doing anything wrong. Quite the
contrary. You are doing a great job! You have made a commitment to bring a new quality
of relationship to yourself and the people in your life. This does not only bring your own
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resistance to this undertaking to the surface, but also the resistance of the others! When
at some point the new way of thinking and reacting has stabilized and you can (more or
less) lovingly accept the others the way they are, you will experience the breakthrough
you are aiming at.
Fighting with others – why?
Let’s remember the inner mechanism to want to present ourselves in a favorable light
because deep down we believe that we need to hide something about us and need to
escape thoughts like “There is something wrong with me”, “I am not as good as the
others”, “I am not attractive” or “I am not loveable”.
These convictions have us under their control. Or so we think. We are so deadly
afraid that they might turn out as the ultimate truth about us that we deny they are there,
even in front of ourselves. “Problems with myself? Not me!” Sorry! Exactly that! A sure
sign that this indeed is our issue is when we encounter fear, anger and conflict in our
relationships and again and again helplessly find “our buttons pushed”.
Another good feedback is other peoples’ reactions to us. We might be able to fool
ourselves for a while, but not other people. They often realize a lot faster that we are not
being authentic but playing roles to impress them, and then sooner or later they turn
away from us. This in turn lets us get angry and panic, because it threatens to awaken
our inner chamber of horrors, that we have so masterfully kept at bay, to new life. “It is
true that nobody loves me! Help!”
What we fail to recognize is that the people around us do not necessarily have
anything against us; they just don’t like the masks that we’re wearing. Maybe they are
annoyed by our affected behavior and our constant attempts to show off, especially
when it is at their expense. Maybe they are tired of our efforts to control and manipulate
them, which come from our ego and not from our real self. If we could simply be
ourselves, we would quickly find out that we other people do like us after all. And come
on, let’s be honest: Don’t the roles what we play often get on our own nerves? Do you
like the person you are trying to be?
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We play our roles and games in a rigid, desperate attempt to get our inner critic to
shut up. We think that if we finally pleased enough other people and they told us they
like us the inner voice who is constantly nagging and doubting our worth would finally
leave us alone. But as we have seen in the trap “I Need From you”, this plan doesn’t
work.
In our totally fruitless endeavour we categorize our fellow human beings into two
groups: Friends and enemies. Friends are the ones who behave in a way that we think it
will help us deal with our inner wolves or at least ignore them.
Enemies are the ones who agree to what our inner wolves say about us.
The myth of the repulsive self
What we guess is down there somewhere in us seems so repulsive to us that we
simply refuse to deal with it. We feel totally vulnerable and find it impossible to allow our
feelings, which would mean allowing us to be close to ourselves, or even to be close to
others.
Our ego wants to protect us. That is why it enthusiastically loves to ruin relationships,
especially in partnerships and families. Wherever there is a danger of coming close to
each other, the ego feels called to the mission to prevent this at any cost. And I do mean
that literally. No expense is too high and no trouble too much, the ego will rather produce
an endless series of family drama, marriage hell, divorce martyrdom and war than to
allow us to love each other. Anything is better than allowing another person to get closer.
Strangely the ego never seems to consider that maybe nothing bad would happen, but in
contrary it might be a very liberating, heavenly experience.
But it can only play this game with us as long as we believe the myth of the repulsive
self that the unbearable feelings and refuse to confront them.
When we dare to dig inside we will find a big surprise waiting for us. Yes, in the
beginning, we will have to wade through seemingly endless plains of pain, fear and old
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hurts. For a very long time it might feel as if we were lost in the desert without water. But
one day we will have crossed it. There is no “ugly truth” about us down there. All the hurt
and fear with all the behaviors resulting from them are like a fog. It obscures our heart
and our burning desire to show and express our love. But they are still there! And it is
only a fog that will go away if we tell it to, and not the truth.
There is nothing horrible about us, nothing that deserves to be hated. Nothing we
need to feel ashamed or guilty of. Feelings are not threatening. We do not need to run
away from anything.
We find a being that might be pretty scared and needs while before being able to trust
life again, but its nature is joy, gentleness and compassion. Our whole life we have
bought into a lie about ourselves.
Maybe you are now thinking: “Well, that might go for other people, but you don’t know
what I have done. With me, there is something wrong. I have done something truly
terrible. I am really unattractive, embarrassing…” If that should be the case, please do
not be surprised. The ego has just opened up its bag of tricks again. Did you think it
would give up that easily? Don’t let yourself be bullied. You deserve love, too. Why?
Because you are love! Forgotten? Then it’s about time to remember!
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V. The Key to Freedom: Self-love
Self-love.
There it is again, that word. Nowadays, just about every self-help book on the market
tells us to love ourselves, which doesn’t mean though that they reveal what they are
actually talking about. What does it practically mean to love oneself? How do you do it?
Before we explore this in further detail, I would like to remind us how self-love
enriches our life and helps us with Nonviolent Communication.
As we have seen, our conflicts mainly come from wanting to use others in one or the
other way to escape our painful feelings, get something from them or to make a good
impression. When we become aware of this and realize the futility of these attempts, the
inner cause for these conflicts falls away.
When I know that everything is ok with me and I am loveable, when I don’t need to be
afraid of being hurt, then I no longer have an interest in running away from myself,
present myself favorably at the expense of others or get on their nerves with the roles
that I am playing. I prefer to enjoy being together to playing exhausting games.
The way out of all traps
Here comes an overview how this insight can help us with the different traps:
1st Trap: You Have to See it My Way
If I don’t need to prove
- that I am right and for that need someone who is wrong
I am free
- to accept different perceptions of what happened as equal and
stay connected to the other person at the same time.
2nd Trap: But It’s Your Fault anyway
When I know
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- that I have a tendency to attack others in order to feel better about myself
- that the only reason though that I feel bad is because I believe my judgments about
myself,
- that these judgments are not true,
then I no longer need another person as scapegoat.
3rd Trap: I Need
When I know
- that I already have that which I thought I needed
because by nature I am loveable and a world in which I do not find appreciation, support
and belonging is not conceivable,
I am free
to enjoy life and the company of my fellow human beings
4th Trap: I Need From You
When I know
- that I am attractive
- that I am the only one who can influence how I feel,
I am no longer dependent on what others think and say about me.
5th Trap: I Am Worried About You
When I know
- that worrying is always about me only
- and that I don’t need to worry because I’m ok and life supports me,
I am free to accept myself and others without conditions and to experience real bonding
with them.
6th Trap: I Am Able To Help You
When I know
- that the only true help I can give is to be a living example of love and peace, which
are characteristics of my true nature,
I am free from desperate attempts to save others and can experience true community
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instead.
7th Trap: Pseudo empathy
When I know
- that my nature is peaceful
- that there is something good to be discovered in me
- that me being cannot be touched by what other people think of me,
I no longer need
- to be afraid of closeness
- to try to mask my imaginary bad self through demonstrated application of NVC
8th Trap: What Is Your Problem? I Am Only Living NVC!
When I know
- that my nature is loving
- that everything is ok with me
then
I no longer need to prove anything to anyone
I can be open to what other people say to me
I am automatically empathic and caring, because that is the way I am! And because I
feel better that way.
9th Trap: My Need Will Be Met The Way I Tell You
When I know
- that I have everything in me to meet my needs
- that I am loveable and can trust that life will bring me everything that I need,
then
I can fully open up to the present moment, let go and in connection with the other open
myself to receive inspiration for a strategy that serves all of us
10th Trap: It’s Only A Strategy!
When I trust myself and follow my inner guidance,
- I am content with me and my life because I am true to myself and to what brings
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me deep satisfaction
I radiate this contentment and have fewer expectations of other people to make me
happy and less frustration that I act out towards them.
11th Trap: Pain? No, Thank You!
When I know
- that my feelings can’t hurt me and leave again when I simply allow and observe
them,
then
I do not need to run away from them, act out my pain and sabotage my relationships.
Onto the truth
“Wait a minute”, I hear you say, “but now how do I know that I really don’t have a few
bad sides I should better get rid of?”
Haven’t there always been good and bad people – and some of us just belong to the
bad guys? Naughty, loud, high maintenance, lazy, impolite, unfaithful, mean, unreliable
… or even a thief, a bully, a rapist, a murderer?
No, there are no bad people. Period.
Philosophical considerations and theories about the nature of human beings will not
bring us any clarity here. If we want to know the truth about our nature, then we need to
experience it. This experience will bring us the gift of an unshakable knowing that
nobody can ever again take away from us.12 We then have a sense of self-love and self-
worth that no longer depend on what happens in our life, for example whether we have a
partner or a well-paying job. And that’s the proof for it being real. Someone who has
come to know himself as basically being good will also no longer see “bad” people, but
instead people with a lot of pain who are crying for help.
To get a taste of this experience, I invite you to a short experiment: Imagine only by
one the following two situations:
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1. It’s Christmas and you are handing a lovely decorated present to a small child. The
child looks at you with sparkling eyes, full of excitement. You watch it unwrap the present
… how does that feel?
2. You shout at a family member in an accusatory manner. How does that feel?
You can also imagine or remember other situations like these, on the one hand
situations in which you have acted from your heart, and on the other hand situations
where you have been driven by fear and anger. Imagine yourself in that moment as well
as you can. And now check: In which situation do you feel more like yourself? Where are
you more authentic?
A sign for authenticity is the situation doesn’t cost you energy; it gives you energy
instead – which makes sense because you are not playing a role for which you need to
twist yourself.
Which situation brings you more joy? In which one do you feel more at home? If you
needed to make a decision to spend the rest of your life with the feeling of either one of
those situations, which one would you choose?
We have the choice
My experience is that what comes from the heart has more power and feels more
real, and we would choose this feeling if we could.
The tragic is that we do have this choice in any given moment. We are just not aware
of it.
Every time we get upset or angry and let these feelings drive our words or actions, we
have made a decision to do so! With most of us, this decision happens lightning-fast and
unconsciously, and that is why we don’t even know that we have decided anything.
But within just a few weeks or months we can gain a new level of consciousness by
asking, every time the temptation to act from anger, fear or pain: Is this what I want? Do I
want to feel this way? Do I want an escalating conflict here? Is this really me?
Then it is important to make a new decision: The decision for love.
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Basically it is as easy as I am describing it here. And yet to do it is another story.
When you get started, your ego will rebel and try with all its power to push you back into
your old habits. With all of its power! Do not estimate what you are up against! But
especially when it feels like you have no other option than listen to the ego, you HAVE to
pause and get out of the old pattern. Maybe in some moments you really can’t make
decision against being upset. But alone realizing that this is going on for you means you
have reached a new level of awareness.
We tend to believe in certain situations that anger, screaming and accusations give us
power, authenticity and assertiveness. But is this true? Do anger and similar feelings not
have the same effect on us like sugar on our blood sugar level? After a short surge of
energy we collapse and have even less energy than before.
Instead we need something that nourishes us in a sustainable manner, and this is the
love in us that wants to be expressed.
We use anger, rage and forms of violence as compensation for the real power in us to
which we have lost access. But this replacement does not keep its promises.
How do find our inner power in a challenging moment? The power of love? We don’t
need to know what loving action would look like then. We only need to remind ourselves
that instead of manifesting a conflict we want to express love and manifest peace.
What I often do is that I turn inward, breath and say to myself: “I do not want the
anger any more. I do not want a fight. I hand the situation over to love.” And I ask my
higher self for help.
Sometimes my stomach will revolt und something in me loudly screams “Noooo!!!” but
after a few minutes the shift has happened. This situation changes without me having to
“do” anything. Maybe we could say some energy between me and the other person has
shifted, and often it is the other person who suddenly says or does something that solves
the issue.
We do have control over what we think or feel, and by that we do influence other
peoples’ behavior towards us.
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Cultivating our inner strength: Nourish the garden of love
The love inside of us, which is our power, is like a longtime neglected flower that
urgently needs water, nutrients and sunshine to be able to blossom again.
NVC nourishes this love inside of us by consistently meeting my thinking and acting
as well as the thinking and acting of our people with empathy and to focus on the good
intention behind any given behavior.
No matter what the action, we can honor the attempt to meet a need.
Even if another person does something obviously “evil” like beating someone, there is
a good intention hidden somewhere. An example for that are parents who believe that
hitting their children will turn them into better people.
Even a murder can be seen under this aspect. In the murderer’s thinking there are
good reasons for what he is doing. Maybe he wants to protect himself: If my wife is dead,
she cannot longer criticize me. When I get the witness of my financial fraud out of the
way, then I am safe.” Again the tragic lies in the strategy. If the people in question knew
a better way to get their needs met (for example to give empathy to their wife…), would
they chose to kill anyone? Or to defraud?
Would we ever condemn anyone for trying to protect himself? It is difficult to
understand someone who is completely demoralized by being criticized and fighting with
his partner?
I would say, no. And so we can love the person, although we do not support his
actions, and even when we decide to set boundaries to protect ourselves. Love does not
mean to allow people to rob you or to hire a pedophiliac as babysitter.
This is a lot easier for us, when we are thoroughly grounded in self-love.
Self-love applied
Now to some ideas what you can do to nourish your self-love:
1. Fire your inner critic. Every time you hear that familiar inner voice starting to nag
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and criticize you, remind yourself: “I no longer want to reject myself. I want to see the
good in me!”
2. Take time for yourself. “Time for yourself” does not mean time for some hobby,
time to watch TV or consume. “Time for yourself” means time in which you visit yourself,
look inside and feel your feelings. You could also call it “time for inner hygiene”.
Some strategies for this could be: Meditation, journaling or simply to be there and to
consciously feel what is going on inside of you. It is all about self-awareness.
3. Recognize the good in you. Every night before you go to bed, make a list with
things that you like about yourself and that you have done well during the day. Train you
mind to pay more attention to these things than to all the things you have criticized
yourself for until now.
4. Recognize the good in other people and the world. Every night before you go to
bed, make a list with things that you were happy about during the day and for which you
are grateful.
5. Stop unhealthy habits. You know what you are doing in your life that is not good for
you, don’t you? Stop it. You are worth being treated with care. Make an inventory of your
bad habits and start with changes. Pay attention to your food, for example, exercise, rest
and your overall style of life.
6. Only do what feels true to you in your heart. No more false compromises. Listen to
your inner voice, when you are about to do something and it warns you with a gentle
“No”.
7. Above all, resist the temptation to speak bad about others and to fuss about them.
Do not gossip behind anyone’s back. Notice how often you still do it, and how it affects
your energy. You might be surprised to find out what you are doing to yourself!
If you stick to these suggestions, your self-esteem will grow. And maybe you can find
some of your own ways to enhance your self-love?
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After following this path for a while, you will see how your life changes.
More and problems resolve, more and more conflict ridden relationships are
transformed, and after many years of permanent stress and being annoyed, you might
find yourself looking forward to the next day like a little child. Then you will know without
doubt, that you are making progress and the difficult first phase is worth it. This
experience is the most valuable thing you can accomplish in life.
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IV. Conclusion
Nonviolent Communication can and will work if we focus on its intention and do not
allow ourselves to get distracted. The intention is to create a heart-to-heart connection to
oneself and others. For this it is necessary to look at me and others with goodwill.
This inevitably activates our fear of closeness, and that is why the ego tries to
undermine our intentions.
The fear of closeness results from
a.) the belief that there is something wrong with us and there is some kind of “dark
truth” about us, and
b.) the ideas about what might happen if other people find out about this truth. In
addition we have to deal with long suppressed feelings that we don’t feel able to handle.
Our salvation and our healing is to find out that the truth about ourselves is a friendly
one.
We are loving. We do like to help. We are open. And generous. Our heart shines
bright and far. And this shining of our heart is what makes us irresistibly attractive.
As long as you find pleasure in the old horror stories about the human nature, you can
stay where you are. And then, one day, when you feel like something new, then you can
start the journey of discovering the fantastic story of your true self.
For this journey I wish you courage, fun exploring, persistence and enthusiasm. For
the end of all violence and a fulfilled life, may we all not rest until we have found our
inner beauty.
The moment it will reveal itself to you is like nothing you have every experienced
before. This beauty, our beauty – YOUR beauty! – is magnificent beyond description. It
turns the whole world into a magical garden. This inner beauty lets all other things of this
world look dull, and only wonder and gratitude remain. Search for it, above everything
else.
A miracle is waiting for you. I promise.
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Bibliography
Byron Katie: Loving What Is. Three Rivers Press, 2003.
Carola Eder: Auf den Spuren des Glücks: Das Kontinuum-Konzept im westlichen Alltag -
Zum bedürfnisorientierten, respektvollen und gleichwürdigen Umgang mit dem Kind .
Tologo Verlag, 2010
A Course in Miracles.Foundation For Inner Peace, 2008.
Ken Wapnick: Ending Our Resistance To Love. Foundation for a Course in Miracles,
2004.
Marshall Rosenberg: Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will
Change Your World Puddledancer Press, 2005.
Marshall Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication. A Language of Life. Puddledancer
Press, 2nd edition 2003.
Marshall Rosenberg: Konflikte lösen mit Gewaltfreier Kommunikation. Ein Gespräch mit
Gabriele Seils. Herder, 2010.
Marshall Rosenberg: Practical Spirituality: The Spiritual Basis of Nonviolent
Communication. Puddledancer Press, 2005.
Marshall Rosenberg: Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to Extraordinary
Relationships. Puddledancer Press, 2005.
Nouk Sanchez and Tomas Vieira: Take Me To Truth. Undoing the Ego John Hunt
Publishing, 2007.
Serena Rust: Wenn die Giraffe mit dem Wolf tanzt. vier Schritte zu einer einfühlsamen
Kommunikation. Koha Verlag, 2006
Thomas d'Ansembourg: Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real
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Puddledancer Press, 2007
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About the author
Kendra Gettel, born 1978, grew up in Germany and Kuwait. After school she
studied Arabic, English and Spanish at the Faculty of Translation Studies,
Linguistics and Cultural Studies of the University of Mainz, Germany, and at the
Teaching Arabic as Foreign Language Center of the University of Alexandria,
Egypt. After graduating with diploma in translation, she continued to gather
further intercultural and social experience by working as a service agent for the
german airline Lufthansa at Frankfurt International Airport.
Constantly looking for better ways how to deal with relationship challenges in
professional and private circumstances, Gettel, who had always been showing a
large interest in the why and how of human behavior, continued her education.
Among other things she participated in a year long training class in Nonviolent
Communication, became a HypnoBirthing birth preparation instructor and took
part in Byron Katie’s The School for The Work.
This book presents the results of her various attempts to apply NVC as taught
by Marshall Rosenberg, and shows the reader specific, proven steps that help
when it seems als if Nonviolent Communication “didn’t work”.
Today, the author, translator and workshop leader lives in Southern Germany.
To find out more about Kendra Gettel and her work, please visit her website
www.kendragettel.de.
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List of references and comments
Disclaimer: I cannot guarantee for the correctness of the page numbers because
I didn’t have all the literature available in English. The page references relate to
the german editions of the mentioned books. In the english editions you will
probably have to look a few pages further ahead.
Some of the titles are not available in English.
Kendra Gettel
1 Marshall Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication. A Language of Life.
Puddledancer Press, 2nd edition 2003.
2 Anmerkung: „Loving attitude“ is my term for it. 3 Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication, p135, p170 4 Rosenberg: Being Me, Loving You, p57 5 Rosenberg: Konflikte lösen durch Gewaltfreie Kommunikation, p27 6 A Couse in Miracles, Textbook p28 7 vgl. Rosenberg Nonviolent Communication S. 121 8 d’Ansembourg, p149 9 .Rosenberg,p89ff 10 d’Ansembourg, p45ff 11 ibi. p102. 12 compare Eder’s observations about childrens’ willingness to cooperate