The Tale of Sir Sidney Salt.

In a cold, cold castle

On a high, high hill

Lived a great grey Giant

Whose name was Bumptious Bill.

His wife was Woeful Wilma,

A moaning Minnie, she

And they lived in their castle

With their children, one, two, three.

There was big, boastful Boris,

Who thought he was the best

At everything he ever did,

He was better than the rest.

And if he ever chanced to lose

The games the three would play,

He would roar and scream and stamp his feet

‘Till the others ran away.

Number two was Lying Lawrence,

Who had an enquiring kind of mind,

Who could never keep the secret

Of anything he’d find.

He’d tell his parents everything

When the other two were bad

And sometimes even make things up,

Which made the others mad.

The baby of the family

Was nasty Niggley Nell,

Who whined and whinged the whole day long

And gave the family hell.

Her face was always cross and sour,

Her scowls were mean and deep

And the only time she didn’t scowl

Was when she was asleep.

Also in the castle,

Lived their granny, Granny Grumps

Who was never ever cheerful

And always in the dumps.

She muttered and she mumbled

And drooled into her soup

And the ghastly grand-giants all agreed

She was probably round the loop.

Roaming round the castle

Was their dog, named Dozy Dennis,

A flea bitten fido,

A mangy, moulting menace.

He stole food from the kitchen

And buried it in the bed

And Bumptious Bill quite often

Had to shut him in the shed.

So they lived in their cold, cold castle

In total misery,

Bill, Wilma, Granny and the dog

And their horrid children, three.

They lived there for a long, long time

And the days were all the same,

‘Till one day came a silver Knight

Whose horse had gone quite lame.

This Knight was called Sir Sidney Salt,

He was a brave and handsome knight,

He rode about, on a pure white horse,

Trying to do right.

Unfortunately for poor Sir Sid

Things often went quite wrong

And if ever things went right at all

It wasn’t for very long.

Sir Sidney knocked on the castle door,

With a great and mighty knock

And then he stepped backwards from the door

And tripped over on a rock.

Lying Lawrence found him there

And went to tell his Dad,

But Bill would not believe him,

The story telling lad.

Then Boastful Boris came inside,

Carrying Sir Sid

And shouting, “Dad, I found him first!

I did, I did, I did!”

Niggley |Nell came in the room

And saw Sid lying there,

“I want to play with him,” she cried

And grabbed him by the hair.

She took him upstairs to her room

“Oh we will be so happy”

Cried Niggley Nell, as she dressed Sir Sid

In her giant dolly’s nappy.

She put a dummy in his mouth

And a bonnet on his head,

Wrapped him in a blanket

And popped him into bed.

So when Sir Sidney woke again,

He was in bed next to Nell.

He couldn’t believe his eyes when he found

He was wearing baby clothes as well.

Now Niggley Nell was snoring,

Open mouthed and loud,

So brave Sir Sid crept out of bed,

Muttering, “It shouldn’t be allowed.

To dress a knight in baby clothes

Is the height of baddest taste.

Now I must find my armour

And leave with greatest haste”.

Sid could not find his armour,

Just his boots and underwear

And as he quietly put them on,

He crept softly out of there.

He sneaked along the corridor,

As quiet as a mouse,

Wishing he was safe at home,

In his own country house.

Just as Sidney thought that he

Would make it home and free,

He heard a giant voice say,

“Who’s this a visiting me?”

The voice was cranky, croaky,

Dim and very, very old

And sent shivers through the innards

Of this silver knight so bold.

It was ghastly Granny Grumps,

That gruesome grizzled gran

And when she saw Sir Sidney

She said, “Come here, my little man.

Are you a small morsel

That my son has sent for me?

Come here my little manikin

So that I can better see.

It hardly looks as though”, she said

“There is much meat upon your bone”

But Sir Sidney could not speak at all,

He could barely even moan.

“I wonder”, said old Granny Grumps

“If you’d taste good in cheese sauce”

But Sir Sid, who’d found his voice at last,

Said, “ There’s more meat upon my horse.

He grazes in a field

Which is really very near

And if you like, my aged dame

I could bring him to you, here”.

“Oh no, my dear”, The granny said,

“For I know you’d not come back.

I think that I should eat you now,

My little Jumping Jack”.

“Control yourself, dear Madam”

Our little hero cried,

As he stepped behind a curtain

And tried to quickly hide.

“Oh don’t be daft”, said Granny Grumps.

You silly little man,

For most meals nowadays”, she said

“I eat mush, and soup and bran.

I have no teeth at all you see,

You would do me no good.

These days, unfortunately, dear

I only mumble food”.

Sir Sidney bowed and said, “Madam,

Now I know I’m not a goner

I promise I’ll send you special food,

You have my word of honour.

When I get home, you’ll have the best

Of spicy soups and sauces.

Of puddings pies and kegs of ale

And meals of several courses.

You’ll have the pick of every food

That you can suck or mumble,

And now, Madam, I must take my leave.

Your servant Madam, humble”.

Sir Sidney bowed his head down low,

In his boots and underwear

And as he raised his head , he heard

A voice say, “What’s that there?”

It was Big Boastful Boris

And he said to his Gran,

“Well, well Granny dear,

I see you’ve found the little man.

I’ve been looking for him everywhere

In the castle’s gloom

And now I want to take him

With me, to my room”.

Boastful Boris told Dennis the Dog

(That scabby, silly pup)

To go right into Granny’s room

And pick Sir Sidney up.

Being lifted in that slobbering mouth

Was not a pleasant feeling

And the smell of Dennis’ dinner

Left poor Sir Sidney reeling.

The horrid hound carried him

In through Boris’ door

And dropped Sir Sidney, from great height

On to the dusty floor.

Spluttering, Sid got to his feet

And eyed Big Boris boldly

“And what pray, do you want from me?”

He asked Big Boris, coldly.

“Well, you are most courageous,”

Replied Boris, bending down.

“How long, I wonder , will it last,

My funny little clown.

I challenge you, my little knight,

To play a game or two,

It’s well known that I never lose,

I always win, I do!

But if, by chance, I do not win

Then I will let you free,

Though of course that will not happen

For no one can beat me.”

Now Boris wasn’t very bright,

He didn’t know, you see,

That everyone always let him win,

Just so that there could be

Throughout the cold, cold castle,

A small amount of quiet.

The family knew, if Boris lost,

He was inclined to riot.

“A game of chess, I think we’ll play,

You’re too small for larger games.

It’s well known that my game’s the best

And so your life I’ll claim.”

So Sid and Boris settled down,

Their game of chess to play

And though Sir Sid could have won at once,

They sat till break of day.

And as the sun rose in the east

The game did finally end

And when Boris realised Sid had won,

He went totally round the bend.

He screamed and yelled and yelled and screamed

And stamped his great big feet

And shouted (spraying spit about)

“I’ll make of you mincemeat!”

But Sid had quietly slipped away,

While Boris stormed about,

He’s pushed and shoved the heavy door

And squeezed himself right out.

Sid thought this time he’d get right away,

Alas it was not to be,

As he was climbing down the giant stairs

He fell and banged his knee.

He sat right up and shook his head,

Feeling rather dizzy

When he heard a voice above him say,

“Now don’t get in a tizzy.”

The voice was Lying Lawrence’s

And he picked Sid up by the neck.

(By this time Sid was feeling

Somewhat of a wreck)

Lawrence popped Sid in his pocket,

Along with several other things;

Some giant pre-chewed chewing gum,

Some marbles and some string.

Just the kind of things, Sid thought,

Owned by ordinary boys,

So it’s obvious that this big lump

Has not grown out of toys.

Sidney poked his head out of the pocket

As soon as he was able,

But, as he peered out, a giant hand

Lifted him onto the table.

“Well,” said Lying Lawrence,

“You don’t look like much of a knight,

Wearing only boots and underwear

You don’t look like you could fight.

I bet you’ve never had adventures

With Princes, Queens and Kings.

I bet you’ve never seen

A dragon with red wings.

Sir Sidney spoke up loudly,

“Please Sir, take a seat

And I will tell you tales

Of the monsters I did meet.

Of black knights on black horses

Of princesses in distress

And by the end you’ll realise

You should not judge me by my dress.

A man of honour, my dear boy

Can come in many guises.

Now listen to my stories,

Before your family rises.”

And so then, for the next few hours,

Sir Sidney told his story.

Of battles fought and dragons slain

(And things not quite so gory)

Of beautiful princesses,

Of rich and powerful kings,

Of adventures all throughout the land

And many other things.

Well Lawrence he was gobsmacked,

His mouth hung open wide

And while he wasn’t looking,

Sir Sidney slipped outside.

He found himself in the garden,

Outside the kitchen door

And when he saw Wilma and Bill,

He thought, “Oh no not more.

It seems that I will never

Get myself out of here.

I wish I could say a magic spell

And make myself disappear.”

Sir Sidney knew he’d have to face

The quite enormous pair,

“Hey you!” he shouted loudly.

“Hey, you two over there.”

The giants turned their shaggy heads

And much to Sid’s surprise

The giants both looked most upset

And had tear drops in their eyes.

Sid bowed and said, “Sir, Madam,

I am your servant true.

I pray, dear Giants tell to me

If there’s anything I can do?”

“Sir Knight,” said Bill, “I’ll tell you true,

Though you must think us mad.

It’s our garden by the castle here

That makes us both so sad.

In days gone by, this garden here

Was beautiful to see,

But now the trees and plants are dead

Alas, ah woe is me.”

Wilma turned to Sid and said,

“If there’s anything you can do,

I hope you’ll help us, gentle knight,

For we’re in a proper stew.”

Sir Sidney bowed again

And said, “I have a good idea,

I will help you with your garden,

If you’ll help me get out of here.

If you take me to my country house,

We’ll get everything we need;

Shrubs and plants and gardening tools,

My clothing and some seeds.

Tell the children to get busy

With their hoes and spades

And in no time you will see

What a garden we’ll have made.

So off they set the three of them,

Wilma, Sir Sid and Bill

And they travelled over rivers,

Through valleys and up hills.

And through the days Sir Sidney learned

That giants weren’t so bad,

That the reason they were difficult

Was the terrible times they’d had.

Everyone expected giants

To be mean and cross and vicious,

The rumour of them eating folk,

Bill explained, was most malicious.

But because people expected them

To behave a certain way,

It had become a nasty habit.

Bill said, “I’m sorry to say,

That over many, many years,

We’ve learned our parts too well

And almost come to believe, you know,

The tales that people tell.

With knights arriving at our door,

Their weapons drawn in passion.

It’s hardly any wonder,

We respond in the same fashion.

But we are really just like you,

Just ordinary folk

And the trouble people give us

Has gone beyond a joke.”

Well they reached Sid’s house eventually

And gathered all they needed,

For orchards to be planted

And gardens to be seeded.

Also food for Granny Grumps,

The softest mumbliest kind,

Puddings, pies and gravies,

The best that Sid could find.

For he had not forgot his promises,

This kind and gentle knight,

To bring food the gran could suck upon,

Because she could not bite.

The loaded carts and horses

With everything they’d need

And set off to the castle

With Sir Sidney in the lead.

And after many days had passed,

They finally made it there

And began to dig and plant the seeds

And apple trees and pear.

They planted flowers and vegetables

And many kinds of trees

And in the corner of the orchard

They put a hive of bees.

They repaired the walls and pathways

And when their work was done

Wilma cooked a giant feast,

Which they ate out in the sun,

Whilst they admired the garden,

The giants and the knight

And all agreed, these new found friends,

It was a lovely sight.

Wilma made the kids apologise

For the horrid things they did

And the three lined up and bowed their heads

And said sorry to Sir Sid.

Then Sir Sid told tales of his daring do’s

And the valiant things he’s done

And the giants all told stories too,

So they talked till the rising sun

Brought the birds to the garden

And the newly planted trees,

Then they breakfasted to bird song

And the sound of buzzing bees.

Then a bed was prepared for Sid to sleep

And he slept for a day and a night,

He was well rested when he woke

To the morning sunshine bright.

The giants found his armour,

Which Niggley Nell had hidden

And Bill had seen to Sir Sidney’s horse

So that now he could be ridden.

The giants gave Sid many gifts,

Of silver and of gold,

And a blanket for Sir Sidney’s horse,

To keep him from the cold.

With many, many promises

To always keep in touch,

They parted, all agreeing

They liked each other very much.

Many years have passed now

And the garden is well grown

And Niggley Nell and Boris

Have children of their own.

Sir Sidney visits with them,

Once or twice a year

And they have a great big party

With the best of foods and beer.

They still agree, every time they meet,

That they are the best of friends

And will remain so through the years

And so our story ends.