THE SIMPSONS

"1.47 Ounces of Cheese"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. TV TRIVIA GAME SHOW SET - DAY

SKIP SKIPPERADINKYDOO (45) is hosting a game show. ProfessorFrink, Homer, and Disco Stu are the contestants. Lisa,Marge, and Bart are among the 30 people in the STUDIOAUDIENCE.

SKIP(to Audience / camera)

Welcome to TV Trivia. Im yourhost, Skip Skipperadinkydoo--andthis is the lowest budget show intelevision history. I actually gotpaid more when I was doing migrantfarm work in Guadalajara. But thenI thought, with a name like SkipSkipperadinkydoo, I either have tobe a game show host, or thespokesman for Cheesey Doodles. Istill havent heard from theCheesey Doodle people yet--so hereI am.

MARGE(quietly to herself)

For some reason, all of that madeperfect sense to me.

SKIP(to Audience / camera)

Alright! Our contestants todayare John Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr.,Homer Simpson, and Disco Stu.

BART(calls out)

Homer, Homer, hes our man! If hecant do it, its because hes toodumb.

HOMERWhy you little!

Homer runs up to Bart and starts choking him.

SKIPHomer--please stop choking thestudio audience.

HOMERHes my son.

2.

SKIPOh. Well, then--continue choking.

Homer chokes Bart for a few more seconds, and then walksback to the contestants area.

SKIPAnd heres our first TV Triviaquestion.

PROFESSOR FRINKIll take Star Trek for 2000, Alex.

HOSTThis isnt Jeopardy, and Im notAlex Trebeck. Im SkipSkipperadinkydoo, this is TVTrivia, and Cheesey Doodles arepart of a complete, nutritiousdinner.

(to all three contestants)OK. Heres our first question. For$10. What Hee-haw character wasrepeatedly hit over the head with arubber chicken?

HOMERUm. I dont have a buzzer.

SKIPWe cant afford buzzers on thisshow. Just raise your hand.

Homer raises his right hand.

SKIPNo. Your left hand.

Homer raises his left hand.

SKIPHomer.

HOMERSamuel B. Sternwheeler

SKIPThats correct! You just won $10.

HOSTWoo-hoo!

3.

SKIPHowever, we charge a $3 service feeany time you answer a questioncorrectly.

HOMERDoh!

SKIPSo you actually won $7. And weregonna have to charge you a $3 wronghand fee, because you initially putup your right hand instead of yourleft hand. So that takes you downto $4.

HOMERWait a second. You charge a $3service fee whenever I answer aquestion correctly?

SKIPThats correct! And were gonnahave to charge you another $3 forthat second correctanswer--bringing your total down to$1.

HOMERBut I wasnt even answering aquestion that time.

SKIPThats correct! And that bringsyour total down to negative $2.

MARGEHomer. Dont say so many correctthings.

SKIP(to all three contestants)

Alright. Moving on to our nextquestion. This tough man is bestknown for playing B.A. Baracus onthe 1980s action series The A-Team.

Disco Stu holds a Travolta-like disco pose, and it appearsas if hes raising his left hand.

SKIPDisco Stu.

4.

DISCO STUI wasnt raising my hand. Disco Stuwas just doing his daily discostretch.

(does the disco move with hisleft arm and then his rightarm)

Disco left, disco right, shake thatbooty day and night.

Professor Frink raises his hand.

SKIPProfessor Fink.

PROFESSOR FRINKUm. Well. Ive never seen TheA-Team before, or even read aboutit, for that matter. But you said"1980s" and "tough man," whichleads me to believe yourereferring to the 1980s celebrityMr. Tough, more commonly known asMr. T.

SKIPThats correct. Youve just won$10, minus a $3 service charge, andminus a $7 commentary fee becauseyou provided too much commentarywith your answer. That brings yourtotal down to $0, which puts you ina tie with Disco Stu for firstplace.

DISCO STUAlright!

SKIPOK. Were out of questions. Homer.Ill give you $3 to wrestle DiscoStu.

HOMERUm. OK.

Homer starts wrestling Disco Stu.

MARGE(to Lisa)

Dont forget, Lisa. All of yourfathers winnings are going rightinto your college fund.

5.

LISA(unenthusiastically)

Woo-hoo. Community college, here Icome.

SKIP(to camera)

Cheesy Doodles are loaded withvitamin mystery, and chock full ofcheesey and doodle. And salt.

(listen in to earpiece)OK. The network is telling me thatweve spent too much on electricityfor this episode, and were nowover budget.

The lights turn off.

SKIPWere gonna have to end the game,and spend the remainder of our 30minutes showing clips from the1950s game show Beat the Clock,starring Bud Collyer.

INT. MOVES TAVERN - DAY

Barney, Carl, and Lenny are seated at the bar while Moebartends.

Homer walks in.

MOEWell, if it isnt Mr. TV Triviahimself. So what are you gonna dowith the dollar you won?

HOMERWell--I had to pay a one dollar feefor wearing blue pants and a whiteshirt.

CARLLet me ask you something, Homer. Onwhat 1960s TV show did Jerry VanDyke play a man whose mother was acar?

HOMERI believe that show was called MyMother the Car.

6.

BARNEYThat was its own show? I thought itwas a 28 part episode of theTwilight Zone.

LENNY(to Homer)

Well heres something I bet youdont know about TV. Thegovernment controls the show ModernFamily, and uses it to send secretmessages that make you want to eatmore cheese.

BARNEYI knew there was something strangeabout that show. I mean, I donttrust any program where JimmyRiddle is eefing, and the HamboneBrothers are slapping their knees.

MOENo, Barney. Youre thinking of HeeHaw.

(to Lenny)So Lenny--you were telling ussomething about cheese.

LENNYYeah. The Illuminatis behind itall. They control almosteverything.

HOMERUm. Ive never heard you sayanything like that before.

LENNYWell. Lets just say that Iverecently had my eyes opened.

CARLAnd your brain removed.

LENNYYou sound like one of the sheepleright now.

HOMERSo youre, um, a whatchamacallit?

7.

LENNYWell. Some people call it aconspiracy theorist. But for thoseof us who arent sheeple, we dontuse the c-word.

HOMERChimichanga?

LENNYConspiracy theorist.

HOMERI was close.

BARNEYWait. Werent you guys once part ofa secret society?

MOENo, Barney. Youre still thinkingof Hee-Haw.

LENNYActually, we used to be a member ofthe Stonecutters. But it turns outthat theyre just a powerlessgroup, set up to distract us fromwhats really going on. TheStonecutters dont know anything.They eat cheese the same wayeveryone else does.

CARLHomer. What do you think of all ofthis?

HOMEROh. Well. Moe. What do you think ofall this?

MOEI sell beer. I dont know nothingabout no cheese.

LENNY(to Everyone)

You see. Moe is actually moreenlightened than most of society.

CARLIf hes so enlightened, then howcome hes using a toilet plunger toscratch his back?

8.

Moe is scratching his back with a toilet plunger.

LENNY(to Everyone)

The point is, Moe said, "I dontknow nothing abut no cheese." Inother words, he knows that hedoesnt know. Most people thinkthey know, even thought they dontknow. Thats what the governmentwants you to think. I read allabout it on the internet.

CARLLenny. Do you know what types ofpeople post stuff on the internet?People like Moe and Barney.

MOEThats true. Ive left 1500 YouTubecomments about how Im not really asex offender, even though the statemakes me register as a sexoffender.

CARL(to Lenny)

And Barney has 44,000 followers onInstagram--and all he does is postshort videos of himself burping,and he classifies each burp usingthe Dewey Decimal system.

Barney takes out his cell phone and records himself.

BARNEY(burps) That was a nonfiction burp,and it goes under 895.33J, rightbetween to (burps) and (burps).

LENNY(to Everyone)

The internet is used for a lot ofthings. Like spreading the truthabout the government, and about howAdam Sandler and Adam Levine areactually vampires.

CARLTheyre not vampires.

9.

HOMER(to Lenny)

Yeah. Im gonna have to agree withCarl. Theyre not vampires.

LENNYDo you guys even know who AdamLevine is?

Homer and Carl are silent for a few seconds.

MOEIs he the black guy on Hee-Haw?

CARL(to Lenny)

Listen, Lenny. if you want to learnabout the world, by all means dothat. But all this stuff about thegovernment and cheese andvampires--it makes no sense.

LENNYI see. And how do I know youre notone of the reptilian aliens whocontrol the world?

CARLLenny--you know perfectly well thatIm not a reptile. Youve even seenmy DNA analysis.

LENNYThat was your short form DNAanalysis--not your long form DNAanalysis.

HOMERHes got you there, Carl. If thatis your real name, Billy.

CARLYou guys arent thinking straight.

LENNYIf were not thinkingstraight, then how come youre theone whos eating a cheese sandwich?

Carl is eating a cheese sandwich.

10.

CARLBecause I like cheese sandwiches.

INT. SIMPSONS HOME - DAY

Marge is in the kitchen. Homer walks in. Marges back is toHomer.

HOMERWhats for dinner?

MARGEI ordered a pizza.

Marge turns around holding a pizza in an open box.

HOMER(scared)

Ah! The cheese!

MARGEI thought you loved cheese.

HOMEROh yeah.

He grabs a slice with each hand, and starts scarfing theslices down.

HOMERMarge. Next time, order extracheese.

Marge puts the pizza on the kitchen table.

MARGE(calls out)

Kids! Dinner!

HOMERYou know, Lenny said some of thestrangest things today at the bar.

Bart and Lisa walk in, sit down, and start eating.

MARGEWhich ones Lenny again?

HOMERYou know the black guy I hang outwith all the time? Lennys theother guy.

11.

MARGERight. Yeah. The other guy.

HOMERHe said that the world iscontrolled by the Illuminati, andCarl needs to present his long formDNA analysis to prove hes not areptilian alien.

MARGEWhich ones Carl again?

HOMERYou know Lenny?

MARGEYeah.

HOMERCarl is the one whos not Lenny.

MARGERight. Yeah. So Lennys aconspiracy theorist now?

HOMERYes. But dont use the c-wordaround him.

BARTCrouton?

Helen Lovejoy is standing on the other side of their windowand listening in.

HELEN LOVEJOYPlease dont use the c-word in thisneighborhood! I mean, the children!Will somebody please think of thechildren!

BARTI am one of the children.

LISA(to Helen)

And Im pretty sure crouton isntthe c-word.

HELEN LOVEJOYOh. Then, uh--nevermind.

She walks away.

12.

HOMERI meant "conspiracytheorist." Dont say "conspiracytheorist" around Lenny. And dontsay "alcoholic" around Barney. Heconsiders that the a-word. Heprefers the term "booze hound."

LISAYou know, conspiracy theories havegained a great deal of popularityduring the internet era. I mean,when youre online, and you findyourself surrounded by thousands ofpeople promoting the same off thewall belief, it doesnt seem so offthe wall anymore. You become muchmore willing to accept the ideathat the moon landing is a hoax, orthat Paul McCartney died in 1966,or that reptilian aliens arerunning the world.

HOMEROh. That reminds me. Dont use theword "hoax" around Moe. He doesntlike words that have two vowelsbefore an x.

BARTYou know, I agree with Lenny onsome stuff.

MARGELike what?

BARTWell. There are reptilian aliensout there. And they run elementaryschools. So dont believe episode180. Principal Skinner is actuallya reptilian alien named TarazanMinera.

MARGEEpisode 180?

LISATarazan Minera?

HOMEROh. And dont use the word "chilax"around Flanders. I learned that onethe hard way.

13.

MARGEWell. I for one am really concernedabout Lenny.

HOMERMarge. Will you just chilax?

MARGEIm not gonna chilax. I dont wantLenny to get sucked into all thatinternet conspiracy theory stuffthat Lisa was talking about.

HOMERYou didnt even know which personLenny was a minute ago.

MARGEBut Im very fond of both of thoseguys. The black one and the otherone. And if one of them is fallinginto crazy beliefs about cheese andreptile aliens, its your duty ashis friend to set him straight.

HOMERI thought my duty as a friend wasto back up any lies he tells hiswife.

MARGEHes not married. ... Wait asecond. Does he back up the liesthat you tell me?

HOMERAbsolutely not. If you dontbelieve me, just call him up andask him if he does.

MARGEI think I will.

HOMEROK. But let me talk to him first inprivate, so hell know exactly whathe should tell you.

14.

INT. POWER PLANT LUNCH ROOM - DAY

Carl, Lenny, and Homer are seated at a table and eatinglunch.

CARLManning was really on fire. I cantbelieve the Broncos won. That wasthe best fourth quarter comebackIve ever seen in my life.

LENNYMe, too. The Illuminati couldnthave scripted it any better. Imean, by bombarding us withexciting sporting events, thatshow they get us to eat less cheese.

CARLWait a second. I thought you saidthat they want us to eat morecheese.

LENNYThe Illuminati wants us to variateour cheese consumption. Thats whythey alternate Modern Family withexciting sporting events. When ourcheese consumption is inconsistent,thats when we become vulnerable tomind control tactics. You know howmuch cheese I eat? Exactly 1.47ounces a day, every day. No more,no less. Thats why Im not asheeple.

A SPY in a ninja suit is standing several yards away fromthem.

INT. MR. BURNSS OFFICE - DAY

The Spy is now standing across from Mr. Burns, and nearSmithers.

SPYI have the daily spy report foryou, sir.

MR. BURNSWell. Before you start with that,let me ask you this: does anyone inthe company suspect that youre theman I use to spy on them?

15.

SPYNo, sir. I mean, they mightveraised a few eyebrows at first, onaccount of my ninja suit, and mylack of a Japanese accent, and myrefusal to eat donuts, and myrelentless praise of you. But afterI started chit chatting with themabout sports and beer, they totallybought my story that Im Johnsonfrom accounting.

MR. BURNSExcellent. Now, what do you have toreport today?

SPYWell. Not much. Except Thompson isplanning to overthrow you.Oh--and Lenny is spreading theoriesabout how the world is run by asecret society of reptilian aliens.

MR. BURNSWell. I trust Lennys judgement.Lenny is usually right about thesethings. By the way--who the hell isLenny?

SMITHERSSir. If there really is a secretsociety that runs the world, thenwouldnt you--a powerfulbillionaire--be part of it?

MR. BURNSExcellent point, Smithers. Get myDNA analyzed immediately, to findout if Im a reptilian alien. Ineed to know what types ofshenanigans this Mr. Burns fellowmight be up to. I dont trust himanymore.

SMITHERSUm. OK, sir.

16.

INT. POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY

Carl is walking with Homer.

CARLWe gotta do something about Lenny.

HOMEROh. So you want to kill him. Well.The day I met you two, I knew itwould come to this. Although Ialways figured hed be the onewhod kill you. Over a disagreementabout Hootie and the Blowfish.

CARLHomer--I dont want to kill Lenny.I want to disprove his theories.

Lenny walks up to them.

LENNYWere you guys just talking aboutme?

HOMEROf course not. We were talkingabout... some other guy.

LENNYOh really? Who?

HOMERUm. Lenny. I mean, Carl. No. Imean, Lenny. Smith. Sonian. LennySmithsonian. The Third. His recordis 27 wins and 7 losses, with 19wins by way of knockout.

LENNYWhat a bunch of bullcrap! LennySmithsonian the Third has 22 winsby knockout!

HOMEROh. Right. I mustve mixed him upwith Muhammad Ali. Smithsonian. TheThird.

MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN III walks up to them.

17.

MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN IIIHey. Im Muhammad Ali Smithsonianthe third. Are you guys talkingabout me?

HOMERNo. We were talking about theother Muhammad Ali Smithsonian thethird. The one who was in Hootieand the Blowfish.

MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN IIIOK.

Muhammad Ali Smithsonian III walks away.

LENNY(to Honer and Carl)

Alright. Well. See you guys later.

Lenny walks away.

HOMERSo. You were saying?

CARLI dont want to kill Lenny. I wantto disprove his theories.

HOMERHow?

INT. ADAM SANDLERS HOUSE - DAY

Homer and Carl are seated next to ADAM SANDLER.

ADAM SANDLERWait. You want videotape meswimming in a pool of garlic?

HOMERThats correct, Adam Sandler.

ADAM SANDLERIm confused. Are you guys movieproducers, perverts, or both?

CARLNeither.

18.

ADAM SANDLERI dont get it.

HOMERWe just want to prove to Lenny thatyoure not a vampire.

ADAM SANDLERHey! I dont need to swim in garlicto prove Im not a vampire. All Ineed to do is not bite your neck.

HOMERUm. What?

ADAM SANDLERJust videotape me sitting next toyou. And if I dont bite into yourneck, thatll show how Im not avampire.

HOMERUm. Well. I guess thats a goodidea. But what are we supposed todo with the truckload of garlic webrought over here?

ADAM SANDLERHow the hell should I know?! Open afreaking Olive Garden or something!

(to Carl)Now, um, which one are you?

CARLCarl.

ADAM SANDLERCarl. Videotape me sitting next toyour friend here.

Carl takes out his cell phone and records them.

ADAM SANDLER(to camera)

Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire, Takeone. And, action!

Adam Sandler looks at Homers neck for a few seconds, andthen he moves in and bites it.

HOMEROw!

19.

ADAM SANDLERSorry. I just couldnt help it. Imnot a vampire--but you gotta admitthat you have a nice, succulentneck. I mean, look at that neck.Look at it.

HOMERI cant look at my own neck.

ADAM SANDLER(to Carl)

Carl--start recording again.(to camera)

Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire, Taketwo. And, action!

Adam Sandler looks at Homers neck for a few seconds, andthen he moves in and bites it.

HOMEROw!

ADAM SANDLERMan! I just cant help but bitethat neck! I mean, come on! Im nota vampire or anything, but thatsthe most bite-able neck Ive everseen in my life. And I should know.Ive bitten a lot of necks in myday. But not as a vampire.

(Cut to later)

ADAM SANDLER(to camera)

OK. Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire,Take 43. And, action.

Homers phone rings.

HOMER(into phone)

Yello.

MARGE (ON PHONE)Homie. Can you pick up some milk onyour way home tonight?

HOMERUm. OK. But I might get home late.Im kind of busy with somethingright now.

20.

MARGEWhat?

HOMERUm. Im having Adam Sandler notbite my neck. And on a relatednote, Im gonna need to schedule anappointment with Dr. Hibbert, toget a few tetanus shots.

MARGEOK. Bye, honey.

HOMERBye.

Homer puts away his phone.

ADAM SANDLEROK. Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire,Take 44. And, action.

Adam Sandler looks at Homers neck for a few seconds, andthen he moves in and bites it.

HOMEROw!

ADAM SANDLERWell. Come on now! I mean, yourneck is just right there, and itsasking to be bitten. How am Isupposed to not bite it?

HOMERCan you just swim in the garlic?

ADAM SANDLERAbsolutely not. There are twothings Adam Sandler refuses to do.One, swim in garlic. And two, starin stupid movies. ... Actually, no.Theres one thing Adam Sandlersunwilling to do. Swim in garlic.Now if youll excuse me, I have toprepare for my role in my nextstupid movie. Its called Hey! WhyAre My Sneakers Wet?

HOMERHa, ha, ha, ha! That sounds reallygood. Can you act out the movie forus?

21.

ADAM SANDLERYes. For $20.

Homer takes $20 out of his wallet and hands the money toAdam Sandler.

ADAM SANDLER(acting)

Wait a second. Why do I feel sowatery?

(looks down at his shoes)Its my sneakers. Theyre wet. Whyare my sneakers wet?

HOMERHa ha ha ha!

EXT. ADAM SANDLERS HOME - DAY

Homer and Carl are walking away from Adam Sandlers home.

CARLGreat. Now how are we supposed toprove to Lenny that Adam Sandlerisnt a vampire?

HOMERCarl. Ive got 43 bite marks in myneck that say he is a vampire, andthe government does want toregulate my cheese consumption.

CARLDont tell me that yourealso becoming a conspiracytheorist.

HOMERIm telling you that maybe--justmaybe--were all being controlledlike puppets. Were told what toeat, what to watch, how to think,how to live. And I want to find outwhos doing the puppeteer-ing, andhow theyre puppeteer-ing me andyou.

A MAN IN A SUIT is standing near them, and holding 20 DVDboxes.

22.

MAN IN SUITWell. Instead of doing that,wouldnt you rather watch these 20Adam Sandler movies?

HOMER... Yes.

Homer takes the DVDs and walks away.

INT. SIMPSONS HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Marge is in the kitchen. Homer walks in holding the DVDcases.

HOMERHi, honey.

MARGEDid you get the milk?

HOMERRight here.

Homer hands her the DVD cases.

MARGEHomer. These are DVDs.

HOMERAdam Sandler movies, milk,whatever.

MARGEUm. What happened to your neck?

HOMERI, uh, cut myself 43 times shaving.You know. Cause I started usingthat Mach 43 razor.

She looks down at his shoes.

MARGEAnd why are your sneakers wet?

HOMERI dont know.

(imitates Adam Sandler)Why are my sneakers wet?

Bart and Lisa walk in.

23.

BARTCan I have $7 to go see the newAdam Sandler movie?

HOMERYou mean Hey! Why Are My SneakersWet?

BARTNo. I mean Hey! Why Do I KeepMaking These Movies?

HOMERWhich ones that?

BARTIts an animated movie with DanCastellaneta. So can I have the $7?

HOMERHey! I think Dan Castellaneta hasmade enough money off of me.OK? There are two things that HomerSimpson is unwilling to do.One--put more money into thepockets of Dan Castellaneta.And two--eat donuts. Actually, no.Just the first thing.

LISADad. Can I have $7 to not see thenew Dan Castellaneta movie?

HOMERAbsolutely.

(hands her $14)Heres 14. Dont see it twice.

Lisa walks away with the money in her hands.

LISAHeh, heh, heh, heh.

INT. MR. BURNSS OFFICE - DAY

SMITHERSSir. I got the results of the DNAanalysis. It says here that youre0% alien and 0% reptilian.

24.

MR. BURNSWait a second! How do I know thatyoure not a reptilian alien whostrying to convince me that Im nota reptilian alien?

SMITHERSWell, sir. I figured youd askthat--so I went ahead and testedmyself as well.

(hands Mr. Burns a stack ofpapers)

Here are the results.

MR. BURNS(looks over the papers)

Well. I didnt know that you werean eighth Native American.Um--remind me again which NativeAmerican tribes I have a feud with?

SMITHERSThe Arapaho and the Cherokee.

MR. BURNSRight. And do you belong to eitherof those tribes?

SMITHERSNo, sir. Im an Apache.

MR. BURNSExcellent. Those affirmative actionpeople have been on my tail abouthiring Apache Indians. Be sure totell them about your Apache roots.And while youre at it, tell themthat youre a quarter Indonesian, aquarter Bangladeshi, and a quarterIranian.

SMITHERSUh. Yes sir. Or as we Indonesianssay it, "Pong tooksah."

EXT. POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY

Carl is leading Homer and Lenny somewhere.

HOMERUm. Its lunch time, Carl. Why arewe not eating lunch right now?

25.

CARLI got you guys a gift. I want togive it to you.

HOMERWait. I didnt know guys wereallowed to give other guys gifts.Cause, I mean, one time, I sawthis stuffed giraffe at a fleamarket, and I thought, "This wouldmake a great gift for Barney." Butthen I thought, "Guys arentsupposed to give..."

CARLYeah. Just shut up for a second,Homer.

He leads them to BILL CLINTON and GEORGE W. BUSH.

HOMERWow! Former President George W.Bush! And some other guy!

BILL CLINTONIm former President Bill Clinton.

HOMERMy memory is only willing toremember George Washington, AbrahamLincoln, the current President, andthe President before him. I deleteevery other President. Like, uh,whats-his-name, and that Presidentdude.

BILL CLINTONI see. Thats actually a prettygood system. Its like how mymemory is only willing to rememberthe names of the last two womenIve slept with. I remember Janiceand Taylor--but I dont rememberthe names of whats-her-name, andthose 8,000 other women, and mywife.

GEORGE W. BUSH(to Homer)

Well. I think that if you want tobe a good American, you gottaremember more than four USPresidents.

26.

BILL CLINTONThats true. I know all 43 USPresidents. Even Rutherford B.Hayes--and nobody remembers thatone. I remember it by singing theChuck Berry song "Johnny B.Goode"--but I replace the name"Johnny B. Goode" with "RutherfordB. Hayes."

GEORGE W. BUSHAnd Im a really good American, soI know the names of hundreds of USPresidents. Like Thomas QuincyJefferson, and Dwayne Eisenhower,and Roger, and Rerun, and MartinLuther King, and Mahatma Gandhi,and Matt Lauer, and BenjaminFranklin.

BILL CLINTONBenjamin Franklin?

GEORGE W. BUSHYeah. The President on the hundreddollar bill.

BILL CLINTONBenjamin Franklin wasnt President.

GEORGE W. BUSHWait a second. Are you saying thatall of my hundred dollar bills arecounterfeit?

BILL CLINTON(imitating Moe of the ThreeStooges)

Ah--shut up!

He slaps George W. Bush.

GEORGE W. BUSHOoh!

George W. Bush pokes Bill Clinton in the eyes.

BILL CLINTONHey.

(points somewhere)Whats that?

George W. Bush turns around. Bill Clinton kicks him in thebutt.

27.

George W. Bush turns around.

GEORGE W. BUSHOne or two?

BILL CLINTONOne.

GEORGE W. BUSHNo. Three.

George W. Bush slaps Bill Clinton three times.

HOMERWait a second. You two are likeordinary guys.

GEORGE W. BUSHThats true. Except Bill is hornierthan an ordinary guy. And I eatmore chicken pot pies than anordinary guy.

George W. Bush has a chicken pot pie in his hands. He takesa bite out of it.

CARL(to Homer and Lenny)

See? If President Bush andPresident Clinton are like ordinaryguys, then how could they be keyplayers in a secret system with anIlluminati, and reptilian aliens,and cheese mind control?

GEORGE W. BUSH(to Everyone)

Yeah. I mean, do you think ajackass like Bill could really dosomething like that? Hes so dumb,he only knows the names of 43Presidents. He probably doesnteven know about Martin Van Dam, orHerbert Dam Hoover.

LENNY(to Carl)

Hold the phone here, Carl. Is thisall just part of your plan toconvince me that there is noIlluminati, or reptilian aliens, orcheese mind control?

28.

CARLWell. Yeah.

LENNYOh. Well. The thing is, me andHomer dropped that whole conspiracytheory thing, like, five hours ago.Yeah. Cause we found out thatWoody Harrelson is a conspiracytheorist.

CARLWait. I thought you liked WoodyHarrelson.

LENNYI like him as an actor. Not as atheorist. Hes one of my favoriteactors in the world, and one of myleast favorite theorists in theworld.

CARLSo thats why youre no longerconspiracy theorists?

LENNYYeah. And also, Adam Sandler hungout with us last night, and he atea really garlic-y dish at The OliveGarden.

Adam Sandler is standing a few feet away from them, andeating a piece of garlic bread.

ADAM SANDLERAnd now Im eating garlic bread.

(looks at Homers neck)Man. That is one bite-able neck.

(looks at his sneakers)Hey! Why are my sneakers wet?

HOMERHa ha ha ha!

EXT. STREET - DAY

Lisa is walking. She notices ADAM LEVINE sucking a MANsblood.

29.

LISAAdam Levine?

ADAM LEVINEUh. Yeah.

LISAAre you sucking someones blood?

ADAM LEVINEUm. No. ... Well. Maybe.

A small jet is flying above them.

INT. JET - DAY

Bill Clinton and HILARY CLINTON are seated in a luxuriousprivate jet.

HILARY CLINTONHoney. I filled out that form torun for President--but thegovernment wants to know why I lefta blank at the part where Imsupposed to put my spouses SocialSecurity number.

BILL CLINTONCindy. Youre forgetting one thing.

HILARY CLINTONMy name is Hilary!

BILL CLINTONHilary. Youre forgetting onething. Im a reptilian alien.Reptilian aliens arent issuedSocial Security numbers.

HILARY CLINTONI know that, Bill. But I cantleave that part blank. What did youput down when you ran forPresident?

BILL CLINTONI didnt put down anything. I justslept with some woman who workedfor the government.

30.

HILARY CLINTONWhat woman?

BILL CLINTONI dont remember. You know. Causeshes not one of the last two womenIve slept with. I only rememberthe names of the last two womenIve slept with. You should knowthat by now, Beatrice.

HILARY CLINTONMy name is Hilary!