THE SILENT SELF-SLAUGHTER

The Phenomenology of Addictive Patterns in Love and Romance

Brittany L. Naylor

BEGINNING THOUGHTS…(OSHO, 1998)

“All search for the other is an escape from yourself.” (p. 198)

“No well of this world can quench your thirst. No drink of this world can

satisfy your thirst unless you have drunk of yourself.” (p. 201)

“The meaning of love is freedom from attachment.”

(p. 227)

HOW CAN YOU BE ADDICTED TO LOVE?

Take into account…- PEA (Phenylethylamine)- Dopamine- Norepinephrine

What indicates addiction?1. Obsession or preoccupation with fantasy, love

object, romantic feelings, etc.2. Loss of control resulting in negative consequences3. Continuing the behaviour in spite of negative

consequences4. Tolerance or needing more to get same effect5. Withdrawal when love object is removed

(Schaeffer, 2009)

“brain scans show that the love-stricken brain is similar to

a brain high on cocaine and opiates.” p. 103.

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY THE SCIENCE BEHIND IT ALL

Phenylethylaminea.k.a PEA

- PEA is one of the primary factors in attraction and courtship. It is produced naturally in our bodies.

- The molecular structure of PEA is very similar to amphetamines…

- PEA, like most chemical drugs includes the feelings of euphoria which can be felt immediately - but the euphoria is also temporary.

- Evidence has shown that levels of PEA and sexual arousal are strongly influenced by the sense of fear, risk and danger. (Carnes, 1991)

THE TWENTY SIGNS OF LOVE ADDICTION

(SCHAEFFER, 2009) 1. Over-adapting to what others want *

2. Boundary problems

3. Sadomasochism

4. Fear of letting go *

5. Fear of the unknown

6. Stunted individual growth

7. Difficulty experiencing intimacy

8. Psychological games

9. Giving to get

10. Attempting to change others

11. Needing others to feel complete *

12. Wanting, wishing, and waiting *

13. Demanding and expecting unconditional love

14. Refusing or abusing commitment

15. Looking to others for affirmation and worth

16. Fearing abandonment

17. Repetitive bad feelings

18. Wanting and fearing closeness

19. Attempting to “fix” others *

20. Projection, personalizing, power plays

“So tell me you love meOnly for tonightOnly for the night

Even though you don't love meJust tell me you love me

I'll give you what I needI'll give you all of me

Even though you don't love me”

“WICKED GAMES” THE WEEKND

CO-DEPENDENCY(RICHO, 2008)

“To put up with abuse, to stay in a painful situation with no prospect of change for the better, is loyalty but not love.” (p. 171)

- Inability to face oneself - Inability to face and sit in own pain - Illusion of survival- Needing to fill some void - Fulfilling archetypal roles (i.e. mother) - Needing to feel needed - Unable to face the fear of being alone (as if they aren’t alone enough already) - Associating love and pain together (i.e. “we fight everyday because we love each

other” or “I stick around through everything because I love her/him”)- Stuck in a pattern with tunnel vision - A significant factor(s) during core development was severed or missed all-together- Transference (Freud) holes (Almaas) false cores (Wolinsky) insecure attachments

(Bowlby, Ainsworth) etc).

ADDICTIVE LOVE (SCHAEFFER, 2009)

“Immature, childish love believes “if I take care of you and love you the way I want you to love me, then

you’ll love me that way, too.” Childs love is egocentric.

They love in order to survive, in order to avoid pain, fear, and want.

And that pattern, as we’re seeing, haunts adult addictive lovers.”

(p. 50)

FEAR is the basis of love addiction fear of rejection

fear of abandonment fear of painful emotions

fear of losing control fear of powerlessness

(Richo, 2008)

THE TWENTY SIGNS OF ROMANCE ADDICTION (SCHAEFFER, 2009)

1. Obsession

2. Intense jealousy

3. Posessiveness

4. Depression and melancholy

5. Dependence on intoxicating feelings

6. Heightened anxiety

7. Romance interferes with life

8. Living on the edge of perfected love

9. Exaggerated fantasy life *

10. Choice of entertainment is romantic, dramatic or euphoric

11. Stalking the love object

12. Chasing the illusion *

13. Lured by intermittent reinforcement

14. Longing for reciprocation

15. Withdrawal symptoms when the love object moves away *

16. Friends and family express concern

17. Hanging on to the unavailable or abusive

18. Outcomes are disappointing

19. Distortion of reality

20. Melodrama

“High off her love, drunk from her hate”“You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with ‘em

You meet and neither one of you even know what hit ‘emGot that warm fuzzy feeling

Yeah, them chills you used to get ‘emNow you're getting fucking sick of looking at ‘em-

You swore you'd never hit ‘em; never do nothing to hurt ‘emNow you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words”

“So lost in the moments when you're in them”

“We fall back into the same patterns, same routineBut your temper's just as bad as mine is

You're the same as meWhen it comes to love you're just as blinded

Baby, please come backIt wasn't you, baby it was me

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seemsMaybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcanoAll I know is I love you too much to walk away though

“Love the way you lie” Eminem ft. Rihanna

“LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE” RIHANNA FT. EMINEM PT. 2

“Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch meRun out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy

Baby, without you I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug meThen tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of theDestructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we

Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backsThat we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky”

OTHER FACTORS PERPETUATING ADDICTIVE LOVE AND ROMANCE

PATTERNS…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1e1oyKd-iQ&index=7&list=WL

ADDICTIVE DEPENDENCY(SCHAEFFER, 2009)

May result as a lack of:- Nurturing- Affection - Self-esteem- Ability to self-sustain - Ability to self-soothe - Ability to emotionally

regulate self - Secure attachments during

core development

There is usually a direct correlation between

addictive love and trauma

ADDICTIVE DEPENDENCY(SCHAEFFER, 2009)

Risk factors:- Holes (Almaas, 2000)- False cores (Wolinsky, 1999) - Insecure attachment (Bowlby, Ainsworth)- Trauma - Transference - Fear of the unknown

“Addictive lovers don’t believe they can be whole

alone.” p.50

THEORY OF HOLES ALMAAS (2000)

•Holes/Voids/Deficiencies in our being in which one loses consciousness of.

•Does not mean the deficiency or loss of a certain aspect of essence is forever gone – rather it needs to be found and reintegrated.

•What happens when there is a hole in our being? We try to fill it up!

•What do we use?… Approval, validation, love, sex, addictions, compulsive behaviors, etc…

•According to Almaas, when we have longings and desires it is an indication that there are holes present in our being.

THEORY OF HOLES (CON’T)ALMAAS (2000)

•Holes believed to mostly originate in childhood, during core development.

•Trauma, conflict, neglect, abuse, adverse environmental experiences, feeling ignored, attacked, etc.

•This leaves us with deficiencies which we spend our lives trying to fill up.

THEORY OF HOLES (CON’T)ALMAAS (2000)

•When we connect to another being, especially if the connection has some depth to it, you may unconsciously use the other person to fill your voids.

•Whatever feeling the person provides for you feels like it is part of you again, like something has been reintegrated. The void has been filled.

•A sense of wholeness emerges and your identity fuses with the other

•So what happens when a relationship ends or the other dies?

FALSE CORES (WOLINSKY, 1999)

ATTACHMENT THEORY (WALLIN, 2007)John Bowlby:

• Known as the “father of attachment theory. • Proximity, protection and separation.

Mary Ainsworth: • Attachment, communication and the “strange situation.”• Hired by Bowlby as a researcher.• Tested out Bowlby’s hypotheses. • She confirmed much of Bowlby’s work, but also added her own

significant contributions.• The most significant piece that came out of the “strange situation” tests

were what we know today as secure attachment, avoidant insecure attachment and ambivalent insecure attachment.

Mary Main and Judith Solomon:• Main was a student of Ainsworth, and Solomon was a student of Main. • They discovered the third insecure attachment type, which we know

today as disorganized insecure attachment.• Disorganized attachment is often seen as a mix of anxious-ambivalent

and avoidant.

INSECURE ATTACHMENT*ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT TYPE*

(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)

According to Collins, et al. (2002) Anxious-Ambivalent insecure attachment individuals tend to have:

- Exaggerated desire for closeness. - Extreme concern regarding being unlovable or getting rejected. - Strong desire for approval and validation. (This is what they

depend on for their sense of self-worth). - Generally struggle to trust others.- Paradoxically, they are eager to be involved in relationships

despite their lack of trust for others.

In relationships: They operate in emotional extremes and tend to experience more jealousy and conflict.

INSECURE ATTACHMENT *AVOIDANT TYPE* (COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)

According to Collins, et al. (2002) Avoidant insecure attachment individuals tend to:

- Hold the viewpoint that care-givers are unreliable and uncaring.- Value being self-reliant. - Tend to distance themselves from others. - Restrict the degree to which they express themselves

emotionally.

In relationships: They tend to experience low levels of satisfaction, intimacy and commitment.

ADDITIONAL POINTS ON THE ROLE OF ATTACHMENT

(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)

How you view yourself and others may play a role in relationship outcomes. (Collins, et al., 2002).

Insecure adults are more likely to engage in dysfunctional patterns with their social perception and emotional regulation. (Collins, 1996; Davila, Bradbury, & Fincham, 1998; Feeney, 1999).

Insecure adults may have a tendency to pursue relationships with others who are more or less vulnerable to difficulties in relationships, thus putting them at risk for adverse outcomes in relationships. (Collins, et al., 2002).

These adverse outcomes are a result of maladaptive behaviors that the insecure adult engages in while in the relationship, putting it at higher risk for failure.

DESIRABILITY OF POTENTIAL ROMANTIC PARTNERS

(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)

Not surprisingly, securely attached individuals tended to rate insecurely attached individuals as less desirable in the context of a romantic partner. (Collins, et al., 2002).

Alternatively, insecurely attached individuals tended to rate insecurely attached individuals as more desirable in the context of a romantic partner. (Collins, et al., 2002).

ATTACHMENT AND THE ROLE OF GENDER IN ROMANTIC

RELATIONSHIPS (COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)

At baseline – Female partners perceived their male partners to be less affectionate and more critical when the male was in high avoidance.

At baseline – When female partners were in high levels of anxiety, male partners reported more demand-withdrawal (partner demand, respondent withdrawal).

On the other hand when male partners were experiencing high levels of anxiety, the female partners reported less demand-withdrawal.

Attachment-related anxiety strongly linked with adverse relationship outcomes for more women than men.

“I NEED YOUR LOVE” There is a strong clinging in this

statement What are we trying to hang on to when we operate from this

notion?• The illusion of everlasting love • Clutching at survival• The idea that life isn’t good enough

or lacks sufficient meaning without the other

• The idea that we are incomplete without the other

• We often tend to romanticize this statement in our society

USING THE OTHER TO DROWN FEAR

(OSHO, 1998)“Because the fearful person is afraid to be alone he creates the

relationships of attachment. He goes on and on creating the

relationships of wife, husband, friend, brother, mother, religion, caste, society, country, etc. These are all expansions of attachment.

You are afraid to be alone. In aloneness the fear within you

becomes clear. When you are with somebody then the fear is

forgotten in his company; you drown your fear in

relationships.” (Osho, 1998)

TRYING TO ACHIEVE WHOLENESS VIA DEPENDENCY ON THE

OTHER…

HANGING ON… FOR WHAT?

When we love something or someone

so very much we want to hold on tight

forever and everletting go is not an option

and we are unable to accept the fact -

that they were never ours to keep.

THE RESULT OF ADDICTIVE DEPENDENCY ON THE

OTHER - Emotional instability - Enmeshment - Co-dependency - Difficulty facing aloneness- Loss of autonomy - Dependency on other things if building tolerance to dependencyon the other OR if the other isn’t meeting needs - Unrealistic expectations and demands on the other - Decline in mental stability - Severed relationships - Loss of self/identity is huge for a lot of people

THINK BACK TO A FEW MOMENTS AGO…

Blue Valentine - Dean and Cindy

Where would Dean fit?…Where would Cindy fit?…

MOVING FROM ADDICTION TO LOVE

(SCHAEFFER, 2009)

1. Denial

Relationship is seemingly normal, rationalization of patterns, many signs of addictive dependency are active, but are ignored or suppressed away. There is no acceptance of the issue at hand.

2. Discomfort

There is an awareness that something is not quite right, questioning love from partner, not feeling satisfied with the relationship, curiosity of “is this how it’s really supposed to be?” begins to surface.

3. Confrontation

Coming face to face with deep rooted fears. Likely to still be feeling some level of discomfort. If still in a relationship, drama surfaces with confrontation because everything starts coming to the surface.

4. Psychological separation

This stage is crucial if healthy relationships in the future are to be had. It’s also time-consuming and brings one face to face with their patterns. A lot of self-reflection at this stage. Difficulty feeling or expressing love. Lengthy emotional detachment. Detachment is the main feature of this stage, but is temporary.

5. Resolution of selfTime heals and is necessary. Beginning to see that aloneness is ok, and possibly even that aloneness and loneliness are not synonymous. There is love for oneself - thus a comfort in being with just themselves. Autonomy and individuality is valued.

6. Belonging

New found freedom and ability to engage in mature, healthy love. What’s huge at this stage is the ability to see the value in many other love relationships, not solely romantic ones. Additionally, they see that dependency on the other for love is not the way to achieve wholeness. The illusion “I need your love” is no longer there.

7. Reaching out

Focus on self diminishes, and one can begin to give back. More balance in their being, happy with who they are, and demands on the other to fulfill them are gone. Past adversity seen as gifts for moving forward. Balance, contentment, and overflowing love for self and others, are hallmarks of this stage.

THE TWENTY SIGNS OF HEALTHY BELONGING

(SCHAEFFER, 2009) 1. Allows for oneness and separateness

2. Has healthy boundaries

3. Creates a feeling of safety

4. Brings out the best qualities

5. Accepts endings

6. Is open to change

7. Is vital and alive

8. Encourages true intimacy

9. Is not afraid to show true feelings

10. Gives from the heart

11. Accepts differences and limitations

12. Encourages self-sufficiency and self-esteem

13. Knows what love is

14. Accepts and respects commitment

15. Has a bottom line

16. Has a high level of trust

17. Experiences healthy sexuality

18. Has a realistic view of romance

19. Cares with detachment

20. Affirms equality and personal power of self and other

TOUCH AND LET GO Being able to fully enjoy connection – but not to cling so tight.

Understanding that there are no guarantees in life – and accepting that.

Letting go of attachments to all things in life – a person, a flower, an experience…

REFERENCES:Almaas, A.H. (2000). Elements of the real in man: Diamond Heart Book One. Boston: Shambhala.

Collins, N. L., Cooper, M. L., Albino, A., & Allard, L. (2002). Psychosocial Vulnerability From Adolescence to

Adulthood: A Prospective Study of Attachment Style Differences in Relationship Functioning and Partner

Choice. Journal Of Personality, 70(6), 965-1008.

Jonas, J.J. The twelve archetypes. CASA. Retrieved from:

http://www.uiltexas.org/files/capitalconference/Twelve_Character_Archetypes.pdf

Osho. (1998). Showering without clouds: Reflections on the poetry of an enlightened woman, Sahajo. Pune,

India: Osho international foundation.

Osho. (2001). Love, freedom, aloneness: The koan of relationships. New York, NY: Osho International

Foundation.

Schaeffer, B. (2009). Is it love or is it addiction? The book that changed the way we think about romance

and intimacy. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Richo, D. (2008). When the past is present: Healing the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationships.

Boston, MA: Shambhala.

Wolinsky, S.H. (1999). The way of the human: The quantum psychology notebooks. Canada: Author.