www.ukcolonel.com

@ukcolonel

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www.ukcolonel.com

university of

kentucky W

ELC

OM

E T

O T

HE

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@ukcolonel

Dear UK Student,

Welcome to the University of Kentucky! Was UK your first choice? Con-

gratulations. Was it your second or third choice? We feel kinda bad for you, but

welcome anyway. Are you just coming here because of how fucking cheap it is?

It’s not as bad as you think, we promise. You can find anything you need here if

you look hard enough… assuming that anything isn’t a clean bathroom stall in

Haggin Hall after the first month of school.

We’d also like to welcome you inside the pages of the year’s first official

publication of The Colonel, UK’s own satirical newspaper. Due to several clerical

errors and a moderately sized bribe, The Colonel is now officially a university or-

ganization. As such, we felt it would only be appropriate to publish an uncensored

guide to what life at the University of Kentucky is really like. This is The Real K

Book.

Due to a desire to make this as exclusive as possible and a slight lack of

funds, there are less than 200 physical copies of this publication in existence, so

we strongly urge you to reconsider throwing this gem away. Some of you may

have done so before even reaching this paragraph, but for those of you still read-

ing, do not throw The Real K Book away. Instead, pass it on to the cute guy or

girl sitting next to you in class. What have you got to lose? We’re sure he or she

would enjoy it. You may end up learning that both of you have similar tastes in

humor. You may also end up meeting your next long-term romantic partner. (If

this happens, please let us know at foundlove@ukcolonel.com.)

But even if The Real K Book doesn’t result in any relationships, the booklet

still contains a plethora of useful information. Need a map detailing what actually

goes on at all the hot spots on campus? You can find it inside. Need a lengthy

scavenger hunt to kill some time while you’re not at K Week events? You can find

it inside. Need a bucket list of things you need to do whilst at UK? You can find

that in the other K Book. Need a bucket list of things you really fucking need to

do while at UK? You can find it inside.

So read through the nuggets of wisdom contained in this neat little package,

then get on with chasing your dreams. Once again, we welcome you to our hum-

ble institution.

Sincerely,

The Colonel staff

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www.ukcolonel.com

Dear UK Student,

Welcome to the University of Kentucky. I am the Colonel. No, not that

shitty publication that likes to call itself The Colonel. I am THE COLONEL.

I’m sure you’re asking yourself, who is this elusive Colonel? I am an Em-

peror and an Enigma. I am the Grand Duke of this University, the Sultan of Swag,

the Lord of this Land. I don’t always come out and introduce myself to the incom-

ing freshman class but when I do, I do it in a manner that is stylish as fuck.

Anyway, I’m sure Eli has already introduced himself. He’s not really in

charge of much around here, but be nice to him. I let him think he’s the president;

we all know the decisions actually run through me. All of the laws passed on cam-

pus are proofread by me. All of the new dorm building plans are inspected by

me… and a team of structural engineers. But mainly me.

I’m particularly fond of this university for a couple of reasons. We have a

courageous basketball team that takes to that hallowed court against the forces of

tyranny, oppression, and other states we don’t like. We keep costs low for impor-

tant university matters, like your beloved Colonel’s mascot statues. We’re a tax-

payer-funded post-secondary community where future generations get their brains

seeded and plowed with vital information by our finest teaching assistants. What

more could a student ask for?

So salutations, congratulations, celebrations, and LIBATIONS are in order!

I personally indulge in a few of those from time to time to sustain me through my

many board meetings and family reunions. And that, my dear felis silvestrises, is

what you are now a part of– the Colonel’s family. Don’t expect to see your be-

loved Colonel sober, and I won’t expect you to read every issue of The Colonel,

deal?

But you should at least read The Real K Book. Within the pages of this pub-

lication, you will finally find out how I really run this esteemed institution. If

you’ve got a problem with any of it, you should take it up with me…if you can

figure out who I am, that is.

Best of luck, young ones. Best of luck.

Sincerely,

The Colonel

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@ukcolonel

Who is The Colonel?

UKcolonel.com

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www.ukcolonel.com

1) Situated next door to Memorial Coliseum, Wildcat Coal Lodge runs entirely on nuclear energy. 2) UK’s Department of Engineering uses the passageway between POT and CB as a state-of-the-art wind tunnel for aerodynamic testing. 3) Don’t be alarmed if your time at Willy T is interrupted by spontaneous song and dance: Disney producers re-cently moved the set of High School Musical to UK’s main library. Filming generally coincides with finals week. 4) Due to budget shortfalls, UK has resorted to drilling for oil to make ends meet in the new campus oil field lo-cated adjacent to Haggin Hall. 5) Following a campus-wide smoking ban, smokers relo-cated to the corner of Limestone and Hospital Drive. UK subsequently employed them as the university’s personal welcoming committee.

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6) On Friday and Saturday evenings during the school year, this corner (affectionately known as “the 90”) trans-forms into UK’s blue light district. 7) The 24-pack. Because-- let’s be honest-- a six-pack isn’t nearly enough for a proper Wildcat tailgate. 8) The Towers of Terror are the main attraction on south campus. After all, what’s more terrifying than 1,220 stu-dents packed into two 23-floor buildings with only one working elevator between them? 9) K Lot recently became home to UK’s new body farm. Anthropologists are now able to study the decomposition of arms and legs sold by students seeking parking per-mits in this location. 10) The true coliseum on campus, Commonwealth Sta-dium serves as the sacred ground for offering sacrifices to Coach Cal before basketball season begins.

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www.ukcolonel.com

30 Things You Really Fucking

Need to Do Before You Graduate

show how rebellious you are by not finishing the common reading experience book

flood a residence hall floor by stuffing sinks with paper

towels

become the founder and president of the UK Tom Cruise

catch one of the squirrels on campus, keep it as a pet in

think for yourself (consult Ashley Judd if you need help)

replace your roommate's shampoo with shamPOO

ding-dong-ditch the president’s house

respectfully disagree with a chemistry professor

rub John Calipari's “big toe” for good luck on finals

ride up and down the Blanding Tower elevator reciting

bottle the smell of Commons and sell it

go to a football game wearing a dress to your knees

access as many rooftops as possible

your dorm, and name it Fred

Fan Club

your own poetry

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@ukcolonel

convince yourself that going to UK was a good idea

get a picture in President Eli Capilouto's lap

survive saying you're not a big fan of basketball

go to CSF... for free food and to pass out your Anton

attend at least one ceremony to which you are not invited

discuss epistemology with a Qdoba employee

grow a unibrow

start a campus-wide snowball fight without using your

lead an angry mob into the student center; pillage until

go to Willy T and remain focused on your schoolwork

participate in the Undie Run... sans undies

read The Colonel-- wait a second, nevermind, stupid idea

wear your high school letterman during K Week

LeVay literature

(bonus if it's specifically for UK administration! super bonus

if it's on the top floor of POT)

arms or hands in any way

elicit a favorable response to a sentence containing the

word “meow” from a member of the opposite sex

they agree to provide everyone involved with a free bowl

of Panda Express

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www.ukcolonel.com

Who is The Colonel?

UKcolonel.com

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@ukcolonel

Abraham Lincoln: he’s a Kentuckian, damn it!

Ashley Judd: she's real purty

Noam Chomsky: were you thinking of that? he already did

Charles Darwin: may the odds be ever in your favor

Jacques Derrida: deconstructed

Michel Foucault: bald

Sigmund Freud: sex

Jacques Lacan: more sex

Papa John: the only reason you survived finals week

Plato: dries out if left overnight

Pythagoras: a2 + b2 = … how did that go again?

Scratch: that itch

Wendell Berry: seriously, you need to know who this is

Wildcat: doesn't always do push-ups; when he does, they suck

William T. Young: birthed a library; not seen since

Slavoj Žižek: "Zsheeeshikasodiaposdfihpozhsdfahsdfek"

People You Need to Know

as a UK Scholar

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www.ukcolonel.com

finding out your friend is/isn't in your class

a mythical creature that some say resides in POT

officially, the Joy of Learning

thing you give to your friend when you don’t

want to show up to class

1. week of the undead 2. free pancakes

3. IT’S ALIVE!

Martin

the Chamber of Secrets

of White Hall

you should probably

start studying now, or

see Withdraw

"your"UK

something you look at the first day and never

again

Colonel Mustard, in the study, with the text-

book (that cost $300)

Jesus, Vishnu, Zoroaster, whichever deity you

prefer

CEO of UK

Titillating Academician. Treat Accordingly.

Academic Bingo

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@ukcolonel

1. the party before the hangover that is adult-

hood 2. what countries that care about education

call “high school”

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the closer the due date, the buggier the

system-- good luck! :D

$300 (of potential beer

money) that you may

look at once or

twice...probably not

exams that are never at a common hour

you eail

the class with material

your professors as-

sume you remember

an actual window that advisers throw your

documents from; see

Scavenger Hunt

sent to the parents of all students each semester

1. finding out you failed your midterm AKA “The

Gentleman’s Surrender”

2. See Add/Drop

three NCAA teams, plus UK

officially, the Joy of Learning

thing you give to your friend when you don’t

want to show up to class

"your"UK

Colonel Mustard, in the study, with the text-

book (that cost $300)

Instructions: Each class period begins a new game of Academic Bingo. If your professor mentions any of the words below, cover the space and take a shot. By the time you have five covered spaces in a row, you’ll be drunk and The Real K Book will seem a whole lot funnier.

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www.ukcolonel.com

1. Find the headquarters of The Colonel. 2. Find the secret healthy menu options at K-Lair.

3. Find someone riding a unicycle through campus. Become friends. 4. Find the free speech zone.

5. Find the midpoint between Willy T and the Johnson Center.

6. Find the lodge specifically built to house the women's basketball team. 7. Find the unoccupied architecture major.

8. Find an abandoned set of roller skates. 9. Find all the RAs that have a lax policy on alcohol.

10.Find the reason Blazer tastes better than Commons. 11.Find yourself, then lose yourself, then find yourself again.

12.Find the people who keep making fun of your haircut behind your

back. 13.Find the best and worst ways to convince the UKPD you weren’t just

smoking weed in your dorm room. 14.Find a fraternity member wearing cargo pants and an Abercrombie

polo.

15.Find as many excuses to not exercise regularly as possible. 16.Find a squirrel named Fred.

17.Find three sentences in this publication that don’t suck.

18.Find the best spot in the library to masturbate.

19.Find all thirteen Starbucks’ on campus. 20.Find someone who regularly uses the word “cumbersome” in conver-

sation.

21.Find that one kid who awkwardly stares at you while you’re eating at the Student Center.

22.Find love in a hopeless place. 23.Find Blanding Tower’s secret floor.

24.Find out how much it’d cost to install a stripper pole in your apart-

ment. Trust us, you won’t regret it.

25.Find Chippy.

Scavenger

Hunt

THE COLONEL’S

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@ukcolonel

26.Find out that your parents are having way more sex now that you’re off to college.

27.Find the flamingo statuette on North Campus. 28.Find the seventeen different pictures of John Calipari in this publica-

tion.

29.Find the guy crossdressing to avoid living in Haggin Hall. 30.Find and consume a jar of Wildcat Vegemite™.

31.Find one syllabus implicitly persuading you to give up on all your hopes and dreams.

32.Find another student trying to find items for this scavenger hunt. 33.Find five mattresses in the Kirwan-Blanding complex without ques-

tionable stains on them. For your own sake, DO NOT use a blacklight.

34.Find someone too blacked out to remember your name. 35.Find someone too blacked out to remember his or her own name.

36.Find someone too blacked out to remember the lyrics of “Wagon Wheel”.

37.Find Russell's Teapot.

38.Find a clean toilet in Haggin Hall. 39.Find three words that rhyme with “neat-o”. Incorporate them into

your next paper. 40.Find a secret passageway to the fourth dimension.

41.Find where Eli Capilouto keeps his dirty socks. Hint: it's not in his home.

42.Find the Greek letter that looks kind of like a trident.

43.Find Ashley Judd inconspicuously walking back and forth from Willy T to White Hall.

44.Find a four-leaf clover. Keep it with you during the Final Four. 45.Find seven different ways to procrastinate instead of finally writing

that paper.

46.Find the no free speech zone.

47.Find a Will Ferrell look-a-like 48.Find the room in K3 haunted

by a phantom. 49.Find the girl of your dreams.

50.Find the tastiest way to combine Cin-

namon Toast Crunch, peanut butter, and Ramen. Get used to eating the combination

because it’s now all you can afford.

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www.ukcolonel.com

Could you be

The Colonel?

Are you interested in contributing to

our publication?

Please contact

editors@ukcolonel.com

for more information!