©2014FocusontheFamily

PublishedbyBethanyHousePublishers11400HampshireAvenueSouthBloomington,Minnesota55438www.bethanyhouse.com

BethanyHousePublishersisadivisionofBakerPublishingGroup,GrandRapids,Michiganwww.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebookeditioncreated2014Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystemortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans—forexample,electronic,photocopy,recording—withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.Theonlyexceptionisbriefquotationsinprintedreviews.

ISBN978-1-4412-2740-9

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataisonfileattheLibraryofCongress,Washington,DC.

AllScripturequotations,unlessotherwiseindicated,aretakenfromtheHolyBible,NewInternationalVersion®.NIV®Copyright©1973,1978,1984byBiblica,Inc.™UsedbypermissionofZondervan.Allrightsreservedworldwide.www.zondervan.comThe“NIV”and“NewInternationalVersion”aretrademarksregisteredintheUnitedStatesPatentsandTrademarkOfficebyBiblica,Inc.™

Otherversionusedis:

NKJV—ScripturetakenfromtheNewKingJamesVersion.Copyright©1979,1980,1982byThomasNelson,Inc.Usedbypermission.Allrightsreserved.

FocusontheFamilyisaglobalChristianministrydedicatedtohelpingfamiliesthrive.TheyprovidehelpandresourcesforcouplestobuildhealthymarriagesthatreflectGod’sdesignandforparentstoraisetheirchildrenaccordingtomoralsandvaluesgroundedinbiblicalprinciples.

PRAISEFOR

THEMARRIAGESERIES

Weoftenhearthattheinstitutionofmarriageissuffering.Butthereisgoodnews,too!Bysubmittingtheir

relationshipstoGodandseekingouttherightresources,marriedcouplescanknowwhatitmeanstotrulythrive.That’swhatFocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesisallabout.Whetheryou’reinasmallgroup,amentoringrelationship,oryoujustwanttostudyasacouple,thisseriescantransformyourmarriageforthebetter.

JimDalyPresident,FocusontheFamily

Astrongmarriageisthecornerstoneofastronghome,andastronghomeisthecornerstoneofstrongchurchesandcommunities,aswellasournation.TheseBiblestudies

coverthepertinentareasofmakingmarriagesthrive,andIhighlyrecommendthemwhetheryouarenewlymarriedor

seasoned.

Dr.TonyEvansSeniorPastor,OakCliffBibleFellowshipAuthor,KingdomManandKingdomWomanMarriageisanamazingadventure—filledwithexcitement,joyand

challenges.FocusontheFamily’sMarriageSeriesexaminesGod’sgiftofmarriageinallofitswonderfuldimensions.Iconsideritaprivilegetobeinvolvedwiththis

importantsetofrelationship-strengtheningresources.

Dr.GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistries,FocusontheFamilyInadayandagewherethecovenantofmarriageissoquicklytossedasideinthenameofincompatibilityandirreconcilabledifferences,amarriageBiblestudythatisbothinspirationalandpracticalisdesperatelyneeded.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesiswhatcouplesareseeking.IgivemyhighestrecommendationtothisBiblestudyseries

thathasthepotentialtodramaticallyimpactandimprovemarriagestoday.Marriage

isnotsomuchaboutfindingtherightpartnerasitisaboutbeingtherightpartner.ThesestudiesgivewonderfulbiblicalteachingforhelpingthosewhowanttolearnthebeautifulartofbeingandbecomingallthatGodintendsintheirmarriage.

LysaTerKeurstPresident,Proverbs31MinistriesAuthor,CaptureHerHeart;CaptureHisHeart,andtheNewYorkTimesBestsellersMadetoCraveandUngluedTheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisjustwhatthedoctorordered:It’stimelyandtimeless—chock-fullofgroundedinformationandtoolseverycouplecanputintopractice

immediately.Youwon’twanttomissoutonthisincredibleresource.

Drs.Les&LeslieParrottAuthors,SavingYourMarriageBeforeItStartsInmy31yearsasapastor,I’veofficiatedathundredsofweddings.Unfortunately,manyofthoseunionsfailed.IonlywishtheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSerieshadbeenavailabletomeduringthoseyears.WhatamarveloustoolyouaspastorsandChristianleadershaveatyourdisposal.Iencourageyoutouseittoassistthoseyouserveinbuildingsuccessful,

healthymarriages.

H.B.London,Jr.PastortoPastorsEmeritus,FocusontheFamily

ThismarriagestudyseriesispureFocusontheFamily—reliable,biblicallysoundanddedicatedtoreestablishingfamilyvaluesintoday’ssociety.Thisserieswillnodoubthelpamultitudeofcouplesstrengthentheirrelationship,notonlywitheachother,butalsowithGod,thecreatorof

marriageitself.

BruceWilkinsonAuthor,SecretsoftheVine,ALifeGodRewards,DreamGiverandtheNewYorkTimesBestsellerThePrayerofJabezLookingforaprescriptionforabetter

marriage?You’llenjoythistimelyandpracticalseries!

Dr.KevinLemanBestsellingAuthor,SheetMusic:UncoveringtheSecretsofSexualIntimacyin

Marriage

TableofContents

Cover

TitlePage

CopyrightPage

PraiseforTheMarriageSeries

ForewordbyGaryT.SmalleyandGregSmalley

Introduction

SessionOne:HeroesMaketheRightChoices—Philippians2:9-11Therightchoicesaren’talwaystheeasychoices,buttheyaretheonesthatafulfillingmarriageisbuiltupon.

SessionTwo:TheMysteryofSubmission—Philippians2:6-8Submissioninmarriagemeanswillinglyandlovinglyservingyourspouseevenwhenitisdifficult.

SessionThree:TheMissionofSelf-Sacrifice—Romans5:19Trueloveinvolvessacrificingselfishdesiresforthegoodofyourmarriage.

SessionFour:ChristIsOurModel—Ephesians5:1-2JoyinyourmarriageisfoundthroughlovingyourspousethewayChristlovesHisbride,theChurch.

Leader’sDiscussionGuide

Notes

BackAds

BackCover

Foreword

FocusontheFamily’sTheFamilyProjectisthelargestsingleinitiativeintheministry’shistory.Itisdesignedtoaddressthequestionofwhethertheinstitutionsofmarriageandfamily,asGodcreatedthemandexplainstheminScripture,arestillbestforhumanhealthandhappiness.Inadayandagewhentheseinstitutionsseemtoundergoconstantredefinition—andwhendivorceandthecomplexitiesofdailylifearetakingadevastatingtollonmarriageandfamily—weneedtoaskwhatGodhadinmindwhenHemadetheminthefirstplace.TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisakeyresourcein

thatinitiative.BasedonthebookYourMarriageMasterpiece,thisserieslooks“behindthecurtain”ofhistory.OtherpartsoftheprogrammakethecasethatmarriageandfamilyreflectthenatureofGodHimself;thisserieslooksingreaterdetailatthemanyaspectsthatmakeupthedivinemasterworkthatisthemarriagerelationship.FocusontheFamilyiswellknownandrespectedworldwide

foritssteadfastdedicationtopreservingthesanctityofmarriageandfamilylife.Thisseriesiswellwritten,biblicallysoundandrightontargetforguidingcouplestoexplorethefoundationGodhaslaidformarriageandtoseeHimastherolemodelfortheperfectspouse.Throughthisseries,seedswillbeplantedthatwillgerminateinyourheartandmindformanyyearstocome.Inourpractical,bottom-lineculture,weoftenwanttojump

overthewhyandgetstraighttothewhat.Wethinkthatbydoingthesixstepsorlearningthefiveways,wewillreachthegoal.Butdeep-rootedgrowthisslowerandmorepurposefulandbeginswithawell-groundedunderstandingofGod’sdivinedesign.Knowingwhymarriageexistsiscrucialtomakingthehow-tosmoreeffective.MarriageisagiftfromGod,auniqueanddistinctcovenantrelationshipthroughwhichHisgloryand

goodnesscanresonate,andonlythroughknowingthearchitectandHisplanwillmarriagesbebuiltonthesurestfoundation.Godcreatedmarriage;Hehasaspecificpurposeforit,and

HeiscommittedtofillingwithfreshlifeandrenewedstrengtheachunionyieldedtoHim.Godwantstogathertheheartsofeverycoupletogether,unitetheminloveandwalkthemtothefinishline—allinHisgreatgraceandgoodness.MayGod,inHisgrace,leadyouintoHistruth,strengthening

yourlivesandyourmarriage.

GaryT.Smalley

SmalleyInstituteandBestsellingAuthor

GregSmalleyVicePresident,FamilyMinistry,FocusontheFamily

Introduction

AtthebeginningofcreationGod“madethemmaleandfemale.”“Forthisreasonamanwillleavehisfatherandmotherandbeunitedtohiswife,andthetwowillbecomeoneflesh.”Sotheyarenolongertwo,but

one.Mark10:6-8

TheModelMarriagecanbeusedinavarietyofsituations,includingsmall-groupBiblestudies,SundaySchoolclasses,counselingormentoringsituations.Acouplecanalsousethisbookasanat-homemarriage-buildingstudy.Eachofthefoursessionscontainsfourmaincomponents.

SessionOverview

TillingtheGroundThisisanintroductiontothetopicbeingdiscussed—commentaryandquestionstodirectyourthoughtstowardthemainideaofthesession.

PlantingtheSeedThisistheBiblestudyportioninwhichyouwillreadScriptureandanswerquestionstohelpdiscoverlastingtruthsfromGod’sWord.

WateringtheHopeThisisatimefordiscussionandprayer.Whetheryouareusingthestudyathomeasacouple,inasmallgrouporinaclassroomsetting,talkingaboutthelessonwithyourspouseisagreatwaytosolidifythetruthandplantitdeeplyintoyourhearts.

HarvestingtheFruitAsapointofaction,thisportionofthesessionofferssuggestionsonputtingthetruthoftheWordintoactioninyourmarriagerelationship.

SuggestionsforIndividualCoupleStudy

Thereareatleastthreeoptionsforusingthisstudyasacouple.

Itmaybeusedasadevotionalstudythateachspousewouldstudyindividuallythroughtheweek;thenonaspecifiedday,cometogetheranddiscusswhatyouhavelearnedandhowtoapplyittoyourmarriage.Youmightchoosetostudyonesessiontogetherinaneveningandthenworkontheapplicationactivitiesduringtherestoftheweek.Becauseoftheshortlengthofthisstudy,itisagreatresourceforaweekendretreat.Takeatripawayfortheweekend,andstudyeachsessiontogether,interspersedwithyourfavoriteleisureactivities.

SuggestionsforGroupStudy

Therearemanywaysthatthisstudycanbeusedinagroupsituation.Themostcommonwayisinasmall-groupBiblestudyformat.However,itcanalsobeusedinanadultSundaySchoolclass.Howeveryouchoosetouseit,therearesomegeneralguidelinestofollowforgroupstudy.

Keepthegroupsmall—fivetosixcouplesisprobablythemaximum.Askcouplestocommittoregularattendanceforthefourweeksofthestudy.Regularattendanceisakeytobuildingrelationshipsandtrustinagroup.Encourageparticipantsnottoshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskingthespouse’spermission.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingsistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.

Thereareadditionalleaderhelpsinthebackofthisbook.

SuggestionsforMentoringorCounselingRelationshipsThisstudyalsolendsitselfforuseinrelationshipswhereonecouplementorsorcounselsanothercouple.

Amentoringrelationshipcouldbearrangedthroughasystemsetupbyachurchorministry:Acouplethathasbeenmarriedforseveralyearsisassignedtomeetonaregularbasiswithayoungercouple.Alessformalwaytostartamentoringrelationshipisforayoungercoupletotaketheinitiativeandapproachacouplethatexemplifyamature,godlymarriageandaskthemtomeetwiththemonaregularbasis.Orthereversemightbeamaturecouplethatapproachesayoungercoupletobeginamentoringrelationship.

Whenaskedtomentor,somemightshyawayandthinkthattheycouldneverdothat,knowingthattheirownmarriageislessthanperfect.Butjustaswearetodisciplenewbelievers,wemustlearntodisciplemarriedcouplestostrengthenmarriagesinthisdifficultworld.TheLordhaspromisedtobe“withyoualways”(Matthew28:20).Beforeyoubegintomentoracouple,firstcompletethestudyyourselves.Thiswillservetostrengthenyourownmarriageandprepareyouforleadinganothercouple.Bepreparedtolearnasmuchormorethanthecouple(s)youwillmentor.

TheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeriesisbasedonAlJanssen’sTheMarriageMasterpiece,aninsightfullookatwhatmarriagecan—andshould—be.Inthisstudy,wearepleasedtoleadyouthroughthewonderfuljourneyofdiscoveringthejoyinyourmarriagethatGodwantsyoutoexperience!

HeroesMAKETHERIGHT

Choices

ThereforeGodexaltedhimtothehighestplaceandgavehimthenamethatisaboveeveryname,thatatthenameofJesuseverykneeshouldbow,inheavenandearthandundertheearth,andeverytongueconfessthatJesusChristisLord,tothegloryofGod

theFather.Philippians2:9-11

Whenwethinkofheroes,wetendtothinkofthosewhomakelarger-than-lifesacrificesforthegoodofothers.Theyrushintosavetheoppressedortheendangeredwithnothoughttotheirownlivesorsafety.InhisbookTheMarriageMasterpiece,AlJanssenexplained

thatawomanlongsto“seehermanrideinandsavetheday”andthat“menlongforastrongwomanwhowillmakethemlookgood,notweak.”Everymarriageneedsahero—aspousewhoiswillingtosacrificehisorherowntemporalhappinessforthegoodoftherelationship.

TillingtheGround

ChildrenlovetopretendthattheyarethesuperheroestheyseeonTV,rescuingothersfromneardestruction.Whileboysmaydreamofsavingtheworldfromadastardlyenemy,girlsoftendreamofaknightinshiningarmorwhowillrideinonawhitehorseandrescuethemfromdanger;thenthey’llfallinlove,getmarriedandlivehappilyeverafter.

1.Whowasyourchildhoodhero—realorfictional?

Whywasthispersonaherotoyou?

2.Whoisamarriageheroforyoutoday?

Whatmakesthispersonahero?

3.Howwouldyoudefineahero?

PlantingtheSeedInourcultureweequategettingmarriedwithlivinghappilyeverafter.Unfortunately,toomanycouplesheadofftodivorcecourtinsteadofbecomingheroesandfightingfortheirmarriage.AccordingtoananalysisbytheNationalSurveyofFamiliesandHouseholds,“86percentofunhappilymarriedpeoplewhostickitoutfindthat,fiveyearslater,theirmarriagesarehappier.”[1]

WhatIsaGodlyHero?

Eachofushasdailyopportunitiestochoosetodorightortodowrong;therefore,inthecontextofmarriage,Godcallseverymarriedcoupletoseekrighteousness,ordyingtoself,insteadofsinorself-centeredness.AgodlyheroissomeonewhoultimatelyseekstodothewillofGodinallthatheorshesays

anddoes:“Forinhimweliveandmoveandhaveourbeing”(Acts17:28).

4.WhatdidGodtellAdaminGenesis2:16-17?

5.WhatoccurredafterGodgaveAdamthiscommand,asdescribedintheremainderofGenesis2?

AccordingtotheseversesinGenesis,EvewascreatedafterAdamwasgiventhecommandto“noteatfromthetreeoftheknowledgeofgoodandevil”(v.17).

6.AsyoureadGenesis3:1-3,notethesimilaritiesanddifferencesbetweenwhatEvetoldtheserpentandwhatGodtoldAdamin2:16-17.

DoyouthinkAdampassedalongtoEveGod’scommandregardingthetreeoftheknowledgeofgoodandevil?Explainyouranswer.

7.AccordingtoGenesis3:6,wherewasAdamwhenEveatetheforbiddenfruit?

HowcouldAdamhavebeentheherointhissituation?

AdamshowedpassivenessandevencowardiceintheGardenofEdenwhenhefailedtoconfrontEveandstopherfrommakingthewrongchoice.HecompoundedhislackofactionwhenhejoinedherindisobeyingGod.GodentrustedtoAdamthecareoftheworldandalsotosharewithhiswifetheknowledgethatGodhadgivenhim,includingthisonecommand.Whenthemomentoftrutharrived,Adamactedasifhehadneverheardofthecommand.

8.Whyisitdifficultforonespousetoholdtheotherspouseaccountableforhisorherpoorchoices?

WeeachmustmakepersonalchoicesthatwillaffectourrelationshipwithGod,butoftenwhenwemakethewrongchoices,theresultshaveadetrimentaleffectonourhumanrelationshipsandespeciallyonourmarriage.Wherethencanweturntofindamodelofagodlyhero?To

theBible,ofcourse!

9.Nameatleastthreebiblicalheroesandexplainwhytheyareheroes.

10.Whataresomecommoncharacteristicsoftheseheroes?

OurultimatebiblicalheroisJesusChrist.HegaveupeverythingforHisBride.

11.HowwereJesus’actionsinMatthew26:36-46heroicincomparisontoAdamandEve’sactionsinGenesis3:1-13?

TheagonyofJesusdescribedinMatthew26demonstratesthedepthsofHisloveforHisBride,theChurch.He,whowassinless,diedinourplaceforoursinssothatwemightlivewithHimforeternity.

HowCanYouBeaHero?

Jesusisourrolemodelastheheroicspouse.

12.HowdoesPhilippians2:3-5applytomarriagerelationships?

13.AccordingtoPhilippians2:6-8,whatdidChristgiveupforus?

14.WhataresomepracticalwaysthathumilityandaChristlikeattitudemightbeshowninamarriage?

Keypointstorememberwhenyouarefacedwiththedecisionofwhetherornottobeaheroinclude

Courage—Willyoudotherightthingandtakewhateveractionisnecessaryforthelong-termgoodofyourmarriage?Strength—Willyouresisttemptationandstriveforrighteousness?Nobility—Willyoumaintainhonorandmoralcharacter,evenifyourspousedoesnot?

Considerthemeaningofthesekeypointsandhowtheyrelatetoyourownattitudesandchoicesinyourmarriage.“Icandoeverythingthroughhimwhogivesmestrength”

(Philippians4:13).Withthispromisetuckeddeepwithinourheartsandminds,wecananswerGod’scalltoserveasheroes,makingtherightdecisions—evenwhenthosedecisionsaredifficulttomake.

WateringtheHopeHeroisminarelationshipisshownbydailymakingchoicesinthebestinterestofyourspouse,buildingarespectthatshowsyourspouseheorshecancountonyourcommitmenttoyourmarriage.Heroismisalsoshowninstickingwithsomeonethroughunusuallyroughtimes,asinthecaseofDaveandSue.

DaveandSuehadthekindofmarriageothercouplesaspiredto.Theywereactivelyinvolvedinchurch,devotedtotheirkidsandappearedtoenjoyeachother’scompany.Whatlookedliketheperfectmarriageonthesurfacewas,intruth,onthebrinkofdestruction.

Afterthebirthoftheirthirdchild,Suebecamedifficulttolivewith.Onemomentshewassereneandhappyandthenextshewasscreamingandthrowingthings.Davewouldoftencomehomefromworktofindthechildrencrying,thehouseamessandnodinnerpreparationsbeingmade.Dave’sfrustrationatthesituationbecameanger,

resultinginincreasingargumentswithSue.Hisvisionforahappymarriagewasdrownedoutbymomentaryfeelingsofapathy.Heoftenthought,What’sthepoint?I’vetriedmyhardestandpaidmydues.MaybeIshouldjusttakethekidsandleaveSuebeforeweallself-destruct.ButherealizedthathedidloveSueandthattherewassomethingterriblywrongwithher.Hetriedtogethertogotocounselingortoseeadoctor,butshejustbecamemoreupset,withdrawingtotheirbedroomwheneverhementionedit.Healsotriedtodoasmuchaspossiblearoundthehousetoeaseherburden,butsheseemedtoresentthathewasdoingwhatsheshouldbedoing.Finally,afteraparticularlydifficultweekend,Dave

openedupabouthisproblemstohisbestfriend,Ryan,whoadvisedhimtoseekcounselingforhimself,evenifSuewouldn’tgowithhim.ItwasduringthesecounselingsessionsthatDavelearnedthatSuewasprobablysufferingfromseverepostpartumdepression.Aftermuchprayerandlovingencouragement,Sueagreedtoathoroughphysicalexamwhichrevealedthatshehadachemicalimbalancethatwascausingherdepression.Afterafewmonthsofantidepressanttherapyandcounseling,Suewasbacktonormalandtheirmarriagerelationshipwasonceagainthriving.[2]

15.HowdidDavedemonstrateaChristlikeattitude?

16.WhatmighthavehappenedifDavehadn’ttakentheinitiativetoseekcounseling?

17.Whataresomeotherexamplesofhowonespousemightmakeheroicchoicesforthesakeofhisorherspouse?

Everyathleteknowsthatheorshecan’tbetheherounlessheorsheisactuallyplayinginthegame.Inordertobetheheroinyourmarriage,youmustremaininthegame,remindingyourselfthatittakeshardwork,practice—yes,eachdecisionservesasapracticeforthenext!—andsacrificetowin.WealsohaveGod’sstrengthandwisdomtoupholdusateveryturn.

18.Whataresomereasonsyoumightcontinuetoplayonateamduringagamethatyourteamislosing?

Howcouldthesereasonsforstayinginthegamebeappliedtoamarriageinwhichthingsarenotgoingwell?

Larger-than-lifesacrificeswillnotlikelybeapartofyourdailyroutine,buteverydecisionyoumakethatpromotesthegoodofyourspousemakesyouaheroinyourmarriage.It’sthiskindofheroismthathelpsbuildandmaintainalastingmaritalrelationshipthathonorsGod’splanformarriage.

HarvestingtheFruitShouldIreallytellhimIdon’tcareabouthisstupidcarorthedetailsabouthowhe“tookitfromapileofjunkandmadeamasterpiece”?

She’scryingagain!Ifshedoesn’tknockitoff,I’mouttahere!

Thoughtssuchasthesewillinevitablycreepintoourheadsaswedealwiththerealitiesoflivingincloserelationshipwith

anotherperson.Whentheydo,wearefacedwithachoicebetweenverbalizingourthoughtsaloudorsubmittingthemtoGod,askingHishelptoshowcompassionatelovetowardourspouseandtointentionallyputhisorherneedsaboveourown(seePhilippians2:3-5).Inordertobegintheprocessofstoppingnegativethoughts

beforedamagecanoccur,decideforonedaytomentallytrackthenegativethoughtsyouhave;andwheneveronecomestomind,takedecisiveactiontoturnthatthoughtovertoGod,askingHimtohelp“takecaptiveeverythoughttomakeitobedienttoChrist”(2Corinthians10:5).MemorizingthisverseandotherverseslikeitcanhelpyoureplacenegativethoughtswithChristlikethoughts.

19.Howhasyourspousebeenaheroicmodelinyourmarriage?

20.Howcanyoudemonstratethequalitiesofahero—humility,compassion,courage,strength,nobility,Christlikeattitudes,etc.—inyourmarriage?

Writedownatleastonepracticalactionyouwilltakeduringthenextweektobeamarriageherotoyourspouse.Askafriendtokeepyouaccountabletothisaction.

Aretheresomeactionsorattitudesthatyouhaveshowntowardyourspouseforwhichyouneedtoaskforgiveness?Onaseparatesheetofpaper,writealetteraskingforforgivenessfromyourspouseinspecificareasthatyouknowyouhavehurthimorher.Afteryouandyourspousehavesharedyourletters,praytogether,askingforChrist’shealingofyourrelationshipandforHisstrengthtomaketherightdecisionsinyourmarriage.

THEMYSTERYOF

SubmissionWho,beinginverynatureGod,didnot

considerequalitywithGodsomethingtobegrasped,butmadehimselfnothing,takingtheverynatureofaservant,beingmadein

humanlikeness.Andbeingfoundinappearanceasaman,hehumbledhimselfandbecameobedienttodeath—evendeath

onacross!Philippians2:6-8

Whatcomestomindwhenyouthinkoftheword“submission”?Perhapsyoushudderandthepictureofadoormatimmediatelycomestomind.However,“doormat”and“submission”havedistinctlydifferentmeanings.Apersonwhoactsasadoormatis“onethatsubmitswithoutprotesttoabuseandindignities.”[1]Apersonwhoactsinsubmissionyields“oneselftotheauthorityorwillofanother.”[2]Adoormatchoosestoallowhim-orherselftobewalkedon,whilesubmissionisanactofthewilltoyieldtotheauthorityofanotherperson.“Submission”doesnotmeanthatonemustendurea

disrespectfulorunlovingrelationship(asadoormatwould).Instead,theterm“submission”isusedintheBibletodescribeanaspectofourrelationshipwithotherbelievers—wearetoldto“submittooneanotheroutofreverenceforChrist”

(Ephesians5:21).ItalsodescribesoneofthemajoraspectsofourrelationshipwithGod(seeJames4:7)andanaspectofheavenlywisdom(seeJames3:17).Wearealsoinstructedtobesubmissivetothoseinauthorityoverus(seeRomans13:1-5).JesusChristasksustoreflectHisheartbywillinglyservingothers,eveniftheydon’tdeserveit—andthisshouldespeciallyapplytothewayahusbandandwifearetotreatoneanother.

TillingtheGroundSubmittingtoanotherpersonisprobablyoneofthehardestthingsforushumanstolearntodo.Itisespeciallyhardifthepersontowhomwemustsubmitisatyrant!

1.Haveyoueverhadtobeundersubmissiontoadifficultbossorteacher?Describetheexperience(withoutnamingnames!)andexplainwhatittaughtyou.

2.Haveyoueverhadtotrainsomeonetosubmittoyourauthority?Wasitaneasytask?Whyorwhynot?

Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperience?

3.Whydoyouthinksubmissiontoanother’sauthorityisdifficult?

Godhassetdownstandardsofsubmissioninallrelationships.HehasalsoprovidedusamodelofsubmissionthroughChrist,whosaid,“ForIhavecomedownfromheavennottodomywillbuttodothewillofhimwhosentme”(John6:38).

PlantingtheSeed

Howmanytimeshaveyouheardsomeonesay,“It’snotfair!”andthensomeoneelseretort,“Whosayslife’ssupposedtobefair”?Probablytoomanytocount!Butwhenyouthinkaboutit,iflifeweretrulyfair,noneofuswouldevergettoheaven!JesusrelinquishedHispowerandknowledgeinheavento

comeintothisworldinhumanform(seePhilippians2:6-8andHebrews2:9-11).Indoingso,HesubmittedtothewillofGodtheFather.ThebookofEphesianshasmuchtoteachusabouthowto

liveouttheChristianlife,anditgivesveryspecificinstructionstohusbandsandwives.

4.AccordingtoEphesians5:21,towhomarewetosubmit?

HowcansubmissiontoothersshowreverenceforChrist?

Mutualsubmissioninamarriagenotonlypreservesorderandharmonyintherelationshipbutalsoincreasesloveandrespectbetweenahusbandandwife.Whetheryouarethehusbandorthewife,knowingyourmaritaldutiesandresponsibilitiesisessentialforahealthymarriage.WhenboththehusbandandwifesubmittotheirrolesasdefinedbyGod,eachendsupservingtheotherandbothfindtruecontentment.

TheSubmissiveLife

“Wives,submittoyourhusbandsastotheLord.ForthehusbandistheheadofthewifeasChrististheheadofthechurch,hisbody,ofwhichheistheSavior.NowasthechurchsubmitstoChrist,soalsowivesshouldsubmittotheirhusbandsineverything”(Ephesians5:22-24).

SubmissionPerhapsnootherteachingintheBiblehascausedmorerancorbetweenthesexesthantheseverses.Thewomen’sliberation

movementscreamsinprotestatthethoughtofsubmissiontoahusband.Butlet’sexaminetheconceptofsubmission.

5.WhatdoyouthinksubmissionmeansinthecontextoftheseversesinEphesians?

6.Howcanawifebesubmissivewithoutallowingherhusbandtouseherasadoormat?

7.Howdoesawife’sallowingherhusbandtobetheleaderinthemarriageservetostrengthenthemarriage?

8.Whatmustbegivenupinordertoempowersomeoneelse?

9.Whatisthehusband’sresponsibilitythatwouldmakesubmissioneasierforthewife?

10.Whatmightbeabenefitofawife’ssubmissiontoherhusbandasdescribedin1Peter3:1-2?

SubmissionisaresponsethatempowersthehusbandtobetheleaderthatGodhascommandedhimtobe.WhendoneinthecontextofChrist’sobediencetoGod,submissionwillnotbedifficult—andremember,GodwillgiveyouthestrengthtoaccomplishHiswillinyourlife(seePhilippians4:13).

Respect“Thewifemustrespectthehusband”(Ephesians5:33).

11.Howdoesshowingrespectdifferfrombeingsubmissive?

12.WhydoyousupposePauladdedthisadmonitiontowives?

AwomaninbiblicalsubmissionisactingoutofrespectforherhusbandandtherolehehasassumedunderGod’sdirection.

HelpTheLordGodsaid,“Itisnotgoodforthemantobealone.Iwillmakeahelpersuitableforhim”(Genesis2:18).WhenGodcreatedEve,HedidnotcreateherasaslavetoAdam.NordidHecreateherfrom“thedustoftheground”(Genesis2:7)asHedidAdam.Instead,GodtookapartofAdamandformedEvefromit(seevv.21-22).Evewasliterally“boneofmybonesandfleshofmyflesh”toAdam(Genesis2:23)—anequaltohim,giventohimbyGodsothathewouldhaveapartneronEarth.

13.Whatcomestomindwhenyouthinkoftheword“helper”?

WhydoyousupposeGodusedtheword“helper”todescribeEve’srole?

14.Inwhatwaysisawifeapartnertoherhusband?

15.AccordingtoTitus2:4-5,whatfiveresponsibilitiesdidPaulencourageolderwomentoteachyoungerwomeninregardtotheirmarriageandfamily?

Whyaretheseattributesimportantinbuildingamarriageandraisingafamily?

Thewifeisinstructedtobesubmissive,showrespectandbeahelpertothehusband.Nowlet’sexaminethehusband’srole.

TheSpiritualLeader

“Wives,submittoyourhusbandsastotheLord.ForthehusbandistheheadofthewifeasChrististheheadofthechurch”(Ephesians5:22-23).Thismaysoundlikeacarte-blancheticketformentolorditovertheirwives,butwiththisrolecomesatremendousamountofresponsibility.Ahusbandmustprotect,careforandevengivehislifeforhiswife,justasJesusdid.Sowhatdotheseinstructionsmeantohusbands?

Sacrifice“Husbands,loveyourwives,justasChristlovedthechurchandgavehimselfupforher”(Ephesians5:25).LikeJesus,thehusbandmustlaydownhislifeforhisbride.Inpracticalterms,thismeanssettingasidehisselfishdesirestofulfillthedesiresofhiswife.Anotherwayahusbandcanshowsacrificeistoadoptan

attitudeofhumility,acceptingthathisweaknesseswillbecomplementedbyhiswife’sstrengths.Forexample,thehusbandmightbegreatatfixingthings,buthecan’tmanagethefamilybudget;thewife,however,canstretchadollarfurtherthananyone.Thus,thehusbandwouldbewisetohumblyturntheresponsibilityofthefamilyfinancesovertohiswife.Forsomementhatmightbeafearfulthingbecausetheymightthinktheyarelosingcontroloftheirlife.

16.ReadEphesians5:28.Whatdoesitmeanforahusbandtolovehiswifeasheloveshimself?

Whyisitdifficulttolovesomeoneelseifyoudonotloveyourself?

17.Whatisoneareainwhichyourspouseisstrongerthanyouinhisorherabilities?Howcouldyouaffirmyourspouseinhisorherareasofstrength?

Protection

“Afterall,nooneeverhatedhisownbody,buthefeedsandcaresforit,justasChristdoesthechurch”(Ephesians5:29).HusbandsaretoldtoloveandcarefortheirwivestothedegreethatChristlovedtheChurch.That’satallorder;however,itiseasierdonewhenthehusbandhasanintimaterelationshipwithGodandHisWord.

18.Whataresomethingsthatcanbuildahedgeofprotectionaroundyourmarriage?

19.ReadEphesians6:10-18.InwhatwayscouldahusbandapplyeachpieceofthearmorofGodtoprotecthiswifeandfamily?

Beltoftruth

Breastplateofrighteousness

Shoesofthegospelofpeace

Shieldoffaith

Helmetofsalvation

SwordoftheSpirit

Godknowsallofthepotentialpitfallsanddangersinlifethatcansnagyourdailysteps,soHeurgeshusbandstofeedandcarefortheirwivesbybuildingahedgeofprotectionbetweentheworld’sdisarrayandtheirChrist-centeredmarriage.Thishedgeofprotectioncanincludeconflict-resolutionskills,financialplanningandBiblestudies(likethisone!)—anything

thatstrengthensyourbondwithyourspouseandwithGodisanotherbranchinyourhedgeofprotection.

HolinessThehusbandisalsoadmonished“tomake[hiswife]holy,cleansingherbythewashingwithwaterthroughtheword,andtopresenthertohimselfasaradiantchurch,withoutstainorwrinkleoranyotherblemish,butholyandblameless”(Ephesians5:26-27).Thisisprobablythemostimportant—andmostdifficult—roleforahusbandtoperform.Heisordainedtobethespiritualleaderofthefamily.

20.EventhemostimportantrelationshipinyourlifeshouldnotbemoreimportantthanyourrelationshipwithGod.Whoorwhatcomesfirstinyourlife?

21.HowcanahusbandfollowtheinstructionsinEphesians5:25-33?

Goddesignedmarriagetobeanequalpartnershipinwhicheachspousetakesonadifferentsetofresponsibilities.Whilethehusbandiscalledtoputasidehisownintereststocareforhiswife,thewifeiscalledtowillinglyfollowherhusband’slead.WheneachspousewillinglyassumeshisorherGod-givenroleinthemarriage,eachwillbeupliftedandgratifiedintherelationship—asGoddesigned.

WateringtheHopeWearenotaskedtodoanythingforourspousethatJesushasnotalreadydoneforHisBride,theChurch.Justasawifeisinstructedtosubmittoherhusband,JesushumbledHimselftothewillofGodtheFather.AndahusbandistolovesacrificiallyjustasJesusdidbydyingonthecrossinordertogiveushopeandeternallife.

RestassuredthatGodwillnotleaveyouwithouttheresourcestodoHiswillinregardtoyourdutiesasahusbandorawife—or,forthatmatter,asabelieverlivinginobediencetoGod.“Ifanyofyoulackswisdom,heshouldaskGod,whogivesgenerouslytoallwithoutfindingfault,anditwillbegivenhim”(James1:5).Hewillalsohelpyouwhenyouaretemptedtosin(see1Corinthians10:13).

22.HowhaveyouexperiencedGod’sprovidingyouwithwhatyouneededinordertoaccomplishwhatHehasinstructedyoutodo?

WhatdoyouneedfromGodrightnowtohelpyouobeyHiscommandsinyourmarriage?

23.AsaresultofJesus’submissiontothewillofGod,Philippians2:9tellsus“Godexaltedhimtothehighestplaceandgavehimthenamethatisaboveeveryname.”WhatmightyourrewardsbewhenyoucontinuallyshowyourlovethroughsubmittingtoGod’swillandservingyourspouse?

24.Submissionandservanthoodareoftenviewedascharacteristicsofsomeonewhoisinferiortoothers.WhatarethecharacteristicsofsomeonewhosubmitstothewillofGodandservesothersunselfishly?

WhoisanexampletoyouofsomeonewholivesoutthecommandsofEphesians5:21-33inhisorherlifeandmarriage?Howhasthispersonimpactedyouandyourmarriage?

Itisourattitudethatdetermineshowwerelatetoothersinallaspectsofourlife.Arewekindorcritical?Doweloveorhate?Areweangryorcontent?Arewequicktojudgeordowegivethebenefitofthedoubt?

HarvestingtheFruitJesusgavethesefinalinstructionstoHisdisciples:“Ifyouloveme,youwillobeywhatIcommand.AndIwillasktheFather,andhewillgiveyouanotherCounselortobewithyouforever—theSpiritoftruth”(John14:15-17).IfyouheedHisWordinyourmarriage—loveandobeyGod—youandyourspousewillneverbealone,fightingtheworldwithoutthehelpofyourheavenlyFather.Why?BecauseyouaresubmittingtoHim,whichallowstheLordtofulfillHisplaninyourrelationship.YouwilllivewiththeHolySpiritinyourlife,andHewillsteeryoutowardahealthyandfulfillingmarriage.

25.Write(onaseparatepieceofpaperifyouneedto)anaffirmationofyourloveandcommitmenttoyourspouse.ThankhimorherforwhatheorshedoestodemonstrateGod’slovetoyou.

Planaquietromantictimetosharewithyourspousewhatyouhavewritten.Praytogether,thankingGodforhowyourspouseblessesyou.Committooneanotherthatyouwillaffirm(compliment)eachotherwhenyounoticeyourspousedemonstratingChristlikebehavior—anddoit!

26.Husbands:Writedownonewayinwhichyoucandemonstratesacrificialservicetoyourwifethisweek.

Wives:Writedownonewayinwhichyoucandemonstratesubmissiontoyourhusbandthisweek.

Shareyourplanwithanaccountabilitypartnerofthesamegender.Besuretocallthispersonduringtheweektoseehowheorsheisdoingandtosharehowyouaredoing.

ChristISOURModel

BeimitatorsofGod,therefore,asdearlylovedchildrenandlivealifeoflove,justasChristlovedusandgavehimselfupforusasafragrantofferingandsacrificetoGod.

Ephesians5:1-2

ThiskeyversetellsusthatwearecalledtolovejustlikeChrist.Isn’titinterestingthatHissacrificeisdescribedas“fragrant”?Howcouldsuchaterrible,crueldeathbedescribed“asafragrantoffering.”DespitethehorrificscenesofHisdeath,wecanrejoiceinHissacrificebecauseweknowitwasagiftwiththequalitiesofasweetanddelicateoffering.DoesthefragranceofChristemanatefromyourmarriage?

AlthoughChristwasnevermarried,wecanlooktoHimastheperfectmodelforhowtosacrificiallyloveandsubmittoourspouse.

TillingtheGroundThemarriagerelationshipisoneofGod’sprimarymeansofshowingHisdivinenaturetotheworld.HaveyoueverseenadevotedcouplethatlovinglyworkedtogethertoshowtheloveofGodtoothers?TheworldtakesnoticewhenamanandawomantrulyloveeachotherthewayChristlovestheChurch.

1.WhosemarriagehasshownyoutheloveofChrist?

2.WhatarethecharacteristicsofaChristlikemarriage?

3.HowcouldyourmarriagereflectGod’sloveforallpeople?

Wehaveachoiceineverydifficultsituation:Wecansuccumbtotheemotionsofthemoment,orwecanturnouremotions,thoughtsandactionsovertoGodandexperienceHisjoy.

PlantingtheSeedBecauseoftheFall,God’soriginalintentionformarriagehasbeencloudedoverandcan’tbecompletelygrasped;however,weneedonlyreadHisWordtodiscoverHisheartformarriage.

Committed

“Igaveyoumysolemnoathandenteredintoacovenantwithyou”(Ezekiel16:8).Goddidn’tjustrevealHimselftoIsrael;Heenteredintoabindingcovenantwithher,acommitmentsobindingthatGodHimselfagreedtopaytheprice—deathtotheonewhobrokethecovenant—ifthepromisewerebroken.HefulfilledthatpromisebysendingJesustoEarthtodieforoursins;andyet,weweretheoneswhoreallydeservedtodieforbreakingthecovenant!

4.ReadMatthew6:19-21.HowdoesthisverseapplytoyourrelationshipwithGod?Whatareyourtreasures—whatismostimportanttoyou?

5.Doyourememberyourmarriagevows?Whatdidyouvowtoyourspouseatyourwedding?

GodisabletoserveasourexemplarymodelformarriagebecauseHehasdemonstrateditforusthroughHiscovenantmarriagetoIsrael.ThiscovenantcommitmentistheveryfoundationofmarriageasGodintended.

Devoted

“HasnottheLORDmadethemone?Infleshandspirittheyarehis.Andwhyone?Becausehewasseekinggodlyoffspring.Soguardyourselfinyourspirit,anddonotbreakfaithwiththewifeofyouryouth”(Malachi2:15).God’spurposeformarriage—thebondbetweenmanandwoman,andtheirraisinggodlychildren—isfoiledwhenwebreakfaithwithourmarriagecovenant.JustasGodpromisessteadfastdevotiontoHispeople,wearetomirrorthesameunconditionaldevotiontoourmarriagepartner.

6.HowdoesMatthew19:4-6showGod’splanformarriage?

Ifahusbandorwifeevenconsidersdivorceasanoptionforresolvingmaritalissues,howdoesthisharmtherelationshipbetweenthecouple?

7.Psalm85:10isalovelypictureofGod’sdesiredrelationshipwithHispeople.Inwhatwayscouldthefollowingfourqualitiesbeshowninactionsthatwouldenhanceamarriage?

Love

Faithfulness

Righteousness

Peace

ItisGod’spurposeformarriagethat“loveandfaithfulnessneverleaveyou”(Proverbs3:3).Ultimately,itisyourattitudeandactionsthatwillrevealwhetheryouaretrulylovingandfaithfulandifyourspousetrulytrustsandknowsthatyourloveisalastingcommitment.

Forgiving

“Bearwitheachotherandforgivewhatevergrievancesyoumayhaveagainstoneanother.ForgiveastheLordforgaveyou”(Colossians3:13).Godknowshowdifficultitisforyoutoforgiveothers—especiallywhenalovedonehaswrongedyou.However,HeasksnomoreofyouthanHecontinuallydemonstratesinforgivingyoursinsagainstHim.WearecalledtoforgivethosewhohurtusbecausewehavebeentherecipientsofHisforgivenessoverandoveragain.

8.AccordingtoEphesians4:32,whyarewetobeforgiving?

HowmuchhasGodforgivenyouinChristJesus?

9.ReadMatthew6:14,Mark11:25andLuke6:37.WhydidJesusemphasizetheimportanceofforgivenessinourrelationships?

AforgivingspiritdemonstratesthatyouhavereceivedGod’sloveandforgivenessandthatyourecognizethesacrificepaidforyoursinsthroughChrist.Whenyouthinkaboutit,thetotalamountofforgivenessyouareaskedtodemonstrateinyourlifetimewillneverequalonemomentofChrist’sagonyonthecrossforyou.

10.ReadMalachi2:13-16.WhatpotentialpitfalldoesGodsternlywarnagainstinthispassage?

11.WhydoyouthinkGodhatesdivorce?(SeeMalachi2:16;Matthew19:8;1Corinthians7:10-12).

Meaning

GodnevergaveuponHismarriagerelationshipwithHispeople.InfactHepaidthehighestprice;HesacrificedHisSon,Jesus,topaythepriceofthebrokencovenant.WhydidJesusdieforus?Hedidn’tdoitforpersonalhappiness;HesufferedagonybothbeforeandduringHiscrucifixion.Heenduredthesufferingforoursakesandforfuturehopeofhappiness.“LetusfixoureyesonJesus,theauthorandperfecterofourfaith,whoforthejoysetbeforehimenduredthecross,scorningitsshame,andsatdownattherighthandofthethroneofGod”(Hebrews12:2,emphasisadded).Personalhappinesscanbeaby-productofmarriage,butitis

notthesolepurposeofmarriage.Truemeaninginmarriageisnotfoundbypursuinghappinessorself-fulfillment;itisdiscoveredbypracticingself-sacrifice.AsAlJanssensays,“Thisisthechallengeformarriage—tosacrificemymomentarydefinitionofhappinessforthelong-termgoodofmyspouse,thusreflectingGod’sheartandearningHispraise,‘Welldone,goodandfaithfulservant.’”

12.Whatisthedifferencebetweenhappinessandjoy?

13.AccordingtoJames1:2-4,whyarewesupposedtobejoyfulindifficulttimes?

InJames1:12,whatistheblessingtothosewhopersevereundertrial?

14.Howcandifficulttimesbringpurposeandmeaningtoamarriagerelationship?

Godwantsustosucceedinourmarriage!WithHishelpwecankeepourmarriagecovenantanddosowithgreatjoy.God

wantsustopassionatelystayintunewithourspouse,todiscoverwhateverisholdinguscaptive—whetheritbealackofcommitment,devotion,forgivenessormeaning—andtosetusfree.

WateringtheHopeConsiderthetruestoryofDavidandVi.

DavidandVimetatchurchinthe1930s,andtheircourtshipoccurredaroundchurchevents.TheyweremarriedatthestartofWorldWarII.Inthe1960s,Vibegantohaveproblemswithforgetfulnessandanxiety.Intheearly70sshewasdiagnosedwithAlzheimer’s.Shebegantoslowlydeteriorate,butDavidcontinuedtocareforher.Despitetheurgingoffriendsasshedeterioratedmoreandmore,herefusedtohaveherputinanursinghome.Hehirednursingcareforthehourshewasatworkbutthentookoverhercareatnight.David’sloveforViprobablykeptheraliveforthenearly15yearsthatshesufferedfromthedisease.Intheend,Daviddiedfirstofabraintumor,butVijoinedhiminheaven43hourslater.Hischildrennotedthattheirfatherbecameagentlermanduringhiswife’sillness.ThegreatestlegacythatDavidlefttohischildrenand

hiscommunitywashisexampleofsacrificialloveforthefinal15yearsofhismarriagetoVi.Hisactionsshowedthepowerofloveandcovenant.[1]

15.WhataboutthestoryofDavidandViencouragesyou?

16.WhatwasthefruitofDavid’sdevotiontohiswife?

17.DoyouknowacouplelikeDavidandVi?Howcouldyoubeofhelptosuchacouple?

Sacrificiallovecanbedemonstratedinavarietyofways—fromasubtlechangeofattitudetothedailycareofaterminallyillspouse.Whateverformofexpression,thesacrificialloveyoushowtoyourspouse(andothers)willbearfruitforGod’skingdom.

HarvestingtheFruit“Guardyourselfinyourspirit,anddonotbreakfaith”(Malachi2:15-16).ThisishowwecanstaycommittedtofollowingChrist’sexample.WemusthavethesamecommitmenttomarriagethatGodhadforHispeople.Commitmentisthedoor,andChrististhekeythatwillunlockthepossibilityforyoutoexperienceatrulyfulfilledandcommittedmarriage.

18.HowdoesColossians3:1-2relatetoJesusasyourrolemodelforlovingsacrificially?

19.WhatstepswillyoutaketodaytoensurethatwiththeloveofJesusyouunlockthedoortoafulfillingmarriage?

Aswaterreflectsaface,soaman’sheartreflectstheman.Proverbs27:19

TheultimategoalforyourmarriageshouldbethatitreflectsChrist’simage.Makeadatewithyourspousetodiscussoneortwoareasinwhichyoudonotseeeye-to-eyeonaparticularissue.Planforthistimetogether,outliningissuestobediscussedandmakingapactwithyourspousethatthistimewillnotserveasatimetoargueoverdifferingpointsofview;instead,itwillbeatimetofindunderstandingorasolutionforthesituation.Ifyoufindyourselfbecomingargumentativeinyourdiscussion,reignyourselfinwithSolomon’swisdom:“A

man’spridewillbringhimlow,butthehumbleinspiritwillretainhonor”(Proverbs29:23,NKJV)!

LEADER’S

DiscussionGuide

GeneralGuidelines

1.Ifatallpossible,thegroupshouldbeledbyamarriedcouple.Thisdoesnotmeanthatbothspousesneedtobeleadingthediscussions;perhapsonespouseisbetteratfacilitatingdiscussionswhiletheotherisbetteratrelationshipbuildingororganization—buttheleadercoupleshouldshareresponsibilitieswhereverpossible.

2.Atthefirstmeeting,besuretolaydownthegroundrulesfordiscussions,stressingthatfollowingtheseruleswillhelpeveryonefeelcomfortableduringdiscussiontimes.a.Nooneshouldshareanythingofapersonalorpotentiallyembarrassingnaturewithoutfirstaskinghisorherspouse’spermission.

b.Whateverisdiscussedinthegroupmeetingsistobeheldinstrictestconfidenceamonggroupmembersonly.

c.Alloweveryoneinthegrouptoparticipate.However,asaleader,don’tforceanyonetoansweraquestionifheorsheisreluctant.Besensitivetothedifferentpersonalitiesandcommunicationstylesamongyourgroupmembers.

3.Fellowshiptimeisveryimportantinbuildingsmall-grouprelationships.Providingbeveragesand/orlightrefreshmentseitherbeforeoraftereachsessionwillencourageatimeofinformalfellowship.

4.Mostpeopleliveverybusylives;respectthetimeofyourgroupmembersbybeginningandendingmeetingsontime.

HowtoUsetheMaterial

1.Eachsessionhasmorethanenoughmaterialtocoverina45-minuteteachingperiod.Youwillprobablynothavetimetodiscusseverysinglequestionineachsession,soprepareforeachmeetingbyselectingquestionsyoufeelaremostimportanttoaddressforyourgroup;discussotherquestionsastimepermits.Besuretosavethelast10minutesofyourmeetingtimeforeachcoupletointeractindividuallyandtopraytogetherbeforeadjourning.OptionalEight-SessionPlan—Youcaneasilydivide

eachsessionintotwopartsifyou’dliketocoverallofthematerialpresentedineachsession.Eachsectionofthesessionhasenoughquestionstodivideinhalf,andtheBiblestudysections(PlantingtheSeed)aredividedintotwoorthreesectionsthatcanbetaughtinseparatesessions.

2.Eachspouseshouldhavehisorherowncopyofthebookinordertopersonallyanswerthequestions.Thegeneralplanofthisstudyisthatthecouplescompletethequestionsathomeduringtheweekandthenbringtheirbookstothemeetingtosharewhattheyhavelearnedduringtheweek.However,therealityofleadingsmallgroupsinthisday

andageisthatsomememberswillfinditdifficulttodothehomework.Ifyoufindthattobethecasewithyourgroup,consideradjustingthelessonsandhavingmemberscompletethestudyduringyourmeetingtimeasyouguidethemthroughthelesson.Ifyouusethismethod,besuretoencouragememberstosharetheirindividualanswerswiththeirspousesduringtheweek(perhapsonadatenight).

SessionOne HeroesMaketheRightChoices

ANotetoLeaders:ThisBiblestudyseriesisbasedonTheMarriageMasterpiecebyAlJanssen.Wehighlyrecommendthatyoureadchapters14and15inpreparationforleadingthisstudy.

BeforetheMeeting

1.Gathermaterialsformakingnametags.Alsogatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

5.Collectitemsneededforeitheroftheice-breakergames(seebelow).

IceBreakers

1.Ifthisisthefirstmeetingforthiscouplesgroup,haveeveryoneintroducethemselvesandtellthegroupabriefsummaryofhowtheymettheirspouse,howlongtheyhavebeenmarriedandoneinterestingfactabouttheirspouse.Besuretoremindthemnottorevealanythingabouttheirspousethatthespousewouldbeuncomfortablesharinghim-orherself.

2.Onseparateslipsofpaper,writethenamesoffictionalorrealheroesorheroines(e.g.,Superman,MightyMouse,WonderWoman,policeofficer,rescueworker,etc.).Youcanplaythegameinoneoftwoways:a.Option1:PlayagameofPictionary.Youwillneedawhiteboardorlargenewsprintpadandtheappropriatefelt-tippens.Havegroupmembersformtwoteams.Thefirstpersondrawspicturestogethisorherteammemberstoguessthenameofthehero.Allowonly30secondsformemberstodraw.

b.Option2:Youwillneedmaskingtapetoattachtheslipsofpapertothebacksofmembersastheyarrive.Allowthemaboutfiveminutestogoaroundtheroomaskingothergroupmembersyes-or-noquestionstotrytofigureoutthecharacter’snamethatisattachedtotheirback.

3.Begininprayer.

Discussion

1.TillingtheGround—Thissectionisforgettingthegroupinvolvedinthetopicathand.Thequestionswillusuallybeofalightertone.Discussquestions1through3.

2.PlantingtheSeed—ThissectionistheBiblestudyandisintendedtogivethebiblicalconceptsforthesession.Foralittlefun,askforfourvolunteerstoactouttheGenesis3storyasyoureaditaloud.ThecharactersareAdam,Eve,theserpentandthetree.Besuretoreadslowlyenoughforthemtoactoutwhatyouread.Afterthevolunteershavebeenapplaudedfortheirgreatactingskills,discussquestions4through14.

3.WateringtheHope—ThecasestudyandquestionsinthissectionwillhelpmembersbringtheBiblestudyintotherealityoftheirownexpectationsversusGod’splan.Don’tneglectthispartofthestudy,asitbringsthewholelessonintothehereandnow,applyingGod’sWordtodailylife.Havethewholegroupdiscussquestions15through18.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Thissectionismeanttohelptheindividualcouplesapplythelessontotheirownmarriagesandcanbedealtwithinseveralways.a.Allowthecouplesone-on-onetimeattheendofthemeeting.Thiswouldrequirespaceforthemtobealone,withenoughspacebetweencouplestoallowforquiet,privateconversations.Ifcoupleshavealreadyansweredthequestions

individually,nowwouldbethetimetosharetheiranswers.Giveatimelimit,emphasizingthattheirdiscussionscanbecontinuedathomeiftheyarenotabletoanswerallofthequestionsinthetimeallotted.Ifcoupleshavenotansweredthequestionsbeforethe

meeting,havethemanswerthemtogethernow.Thisworksbestwhenthereisopen-endedtimeforthecouplestostayuntiltheyhavecompletedtheirdiscussionandwill

requirethattheleadersstayuntilthelastcouplehasfinished.

b.Instructcouplestocompletethissectionathomeduringtheweekafterthemeeting.Thiswillgivethemquietandprivatetimetodealwithanyissuesthatmightcomeupandtospendallthetimeneededtocompletethediscussion.Youwillwanttofollowupatthenextmeetingtoholdcouplesaccountableforcompletingthispartofthelesson.

c.Attimesitmightbeadvantageoustopairuptwocouplestodiscussthesequestions.Thiswouldhelpbuildaccountabilityintothestudy.

Allowtimefortheindividualcouplestomeettogethertocompletethissectionofthequestions.

5.CloseinPrayer—Animportantpartofanysmall-grouprelationshipisthetimespentinprayerforoneanother.Thismayalsobedoneinanumberofways:a.Havecoupleswriteouttheirspecificprayerrequestsontheindexcards.Theserequestsmaythenbesharedwiththewholegrouportradedwithanothercoupleasprayerpartnersfortheweek.Ifrequestsaresharedwiththewholegroup,prayasagroupbeforeadjourningthemeeting;ifrequestsaretraded,allowtimefortheprayer-partnercouplestopraytogether.

b.Gatherthewholegrouptogetherandleadcouplesinguidedprayer.

c.Haveindividualcouplespraytogether.d.Splitthemembersintotwogroupsbygender.Havethemprayovertheirmarriages,askingGodtorevealanypointswheretheymightbeactingunfaithfultowardtheirspouse.

AftertheMeeting

1.Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.

2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,trytocontacteachcouple(throughphonecalls,notesofencouragement,e-mailsorinstantmessaging)andwelcomethemtothegroup.Makeyourselfavailabletoansweranyquestionsorconcernstheymayhaveandgenerallygettoknowthem.Thiscontactmightbestbedonebythehusband-leadercontactingthemenandthewife-leadercontactingthewomen.

3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy,evenifyouhavepreviouslygonethroughthisstudytogether.

4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.DiscusswiththeLordanyapprehension,excitementoranythingelsethatisonyourmindregardingyourBiblestudymaterialand/orthegroupmembers.Ifyoufeelinadequateorunprepared,askforstrengthandinsight.Ifyoufeeltiredorburdened,askforGod’slightyoke.Whateveritisyouneed,askGodforit.Hewillprovide!

Reminder:Inyourdesiretoservethemembersofyourgroup,don’tneglectyourownmarriage.Spendqualitytimewithyourspouseduringtheweek!

SessionTwo TheMysteryofSubmission

BeforetheMeeting

1.Gatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

IceBreakers

1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.Encouragethemtoatleastfillintheirnamesandphonenumbers,eveniftheydon’thaveanyrequests.Remindmembersthateveryoneneedssomeonetoprayforthem,evenifthereisnospecificneed.

2.Invitecouplestosharehowtheyappliedtotheirmarriagerelationshipwhattheylearnedinlastweek’ssession.

3.Askvolunteerstoshareonepraiseorgoodthingthathappenedduringthepastweek.ThisisagoodchanceforthosewhomightnotalwaysseethegoodinthingstolearnhowtoexpressgratitudeandthanksgivingtoGod,nomatterwhatthecircumstance.

4.Beginwithprayer.

Discussion

1.TillingtheGround—Invitevolunteerstosharetheiranswerstoquestions1and2.Inviteotherstosharetheiranswerstoquestion3.

2.PlantingtheSeed—Havegroupmembersformtwosmallergroupsbasedongendertodiscussquestions4through21.Invitememberstopairupwithanaccountabilitypartnerofthesamegendertocallduringtheweektoencourageoneanother.

3.WateringtheHope—Bringthewholegroupbacktogethertodiscussquestions22through24.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Invitegroupmemberstojoinwiththeirspousetosharetheiraffirmationswithoneanother.

5.CloseinPrayer—Distributeprayerrequestcardsandallowtimeforcouplestopraytogetherforthememberswhoseprayerrequeststheyhavereceived.

AftertheMeeting

1.Evaluate—Spendtimeevaluatingthemeeting’seffectiveness.

2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,trytocontacteachcouple,encouragingthemtocontacttheirprayerpartners.

3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.

SessionThree TheMissionofSelf-Sacrifice

BeforetheMeeting

1.Gatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

5.Obtainanewsprintpadorposterboardandafelt-tippenoruseawhiteboardorchalkboard.

6.PrepareabrieftestimonyofhowyoucametoknowJesusasSaviorandLordofyourlife.Orcallamemberofthegroupandaskifheorshewouldshareabrieftestimony.

IceBreakers

1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.

2.Share,orhavethememberyoucontactedshare,thetestimonyofhowyou(orheorshe)cametoacceptJesusasSavior.

Discussion

1.TillingtheGround—Encouragememberstosharetheiranswerstoquestions1and2.Inviteonevolunteertosharehisorheranswertoquestion3.

2.PlantingtheSeed—Discussquestions4through13withthewholegroup.

3.WateringtheHope—Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercoupletodiscussquestions14through16.Haveeachfoursomesharetheirresponsetoatleastoneoftheincidents.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Allowtimeforindividualcouplestosharetheiranswerswithoneanother.

5.CloseinPrayer—HavecouplesrejointhecouplewithwhomtheysharedtheWateringtheHopediscussion.Instructthemtoswapprayerrequestcardsandspendafewminutesinprayertogether.Encourageeachcoupletocalltheirprayer-partnercoupleduringtheweekandshareanypraises,resultsorfurtherrequests.

Note:BesensitivetogroupmemberswhomightnotknowChristasSaviorandLord.BeavailableafterthemeetingtoansweranyquestionstheymighthaveconcerningtheirrelationshipwithGod.BeopentotheHolySpirit’sleadinginaskingifanyonewouldliketomakeacommitmentorrededicationtotheLordatthistime.

AftertheMeeting

1.Evaluate.2.Encourage—Duringtheweek,calleachcoupleandaskiftheyhavecalledtheirprayerpartners.Encouragethemastheycontinuetocompletethestudy.IfanyoneacceptedChristduringthemeeting,followupbymakinganappointmenttomeetwithhimorher.Caution:Itisbestthatyouandyourspousemeetwithindividualstogether.Oryoucouldmeetone-on-onewiththepersonofthesamegender.

3.Equip—CompletetheBiblestudy.4.Pray—Prayerfullyprepareforthenextmeeting,prayingforeachcoupleandyourownpreparation.Whateveritisyouneed,askGodforit.Hewillprovide!

SessionFour ChristIsOurModel

BeforetheMeeting

1.Gatherpensorpencils,paper,3x5-inchindexcardsandBibles.

2.Provideindexcardsforrecordingprayerrequests.3.Readthroughyourownanswersfromthesessionandmarktheonesthatyouespeciallywanttohavethegroupdiscuss.Alsohighlightanykeyversesyoufeelareappropriatetoshare.

4.Prepareslipsofpaperwithreferencesfortheversesthatyouwillwantsomeonetoreadaloudduringthesession.Distributetheseslipsasgroupmembersarrive,butbesensitivetothosewhoareuncomfortablereadingaloudorwhomightnotbefamiliarwiththeBible.

IceBreakers

1.Handanindexcardtoeachmemberasheorsheenterstheroom.

2.Invitememberstoshareanypraisesorresultsfortheirprayerrequestsfromtheprevioussession.

3.Formtwosmallergroupsandhavethembrainstormthedefinitionsof“joy”and“happiness.”Afterabouttwominuteshavethemsharetheirdefinitionswiththewholegroup.

Discussion

1.TillingtheGround—Discussquestions1through3withthewholegroup.

2.PlantingtheSeed—Haveeachcouplepairupwithanothercouple(ifpossible,withtheirprayerpartnersforthepastweek)anddiscussquestions4through14.

3.WateringtheHope—BringthewholegrouptogethertodiscussthestoryofDavidandVi.Havethembrainstormideasabouthowtheycouldhelpcouplesinsimilarsituations.

4.HarvestingtheFruit—Inviteindividualcouplestoprivatelysharetheiranswerstoquestions18and19.

5.CloseinPrayer—Bringthewholegrouptogether.Invitesentenceprayersofpraiseandthanksgiving.Forthebenediction,readaloudEphesians5:1-2:“BeimitatorsofGod,therefore,asdearlylovedchildrenandlivealifeoflove,justasChristlovedusandgavehimselfupforusasafragrantofferingandsacrificetoGod.”

AftertheMeeting

1.Evaluate—Shareabouttheimportanceoffeedback,andaskmemberstotakethetimethisweektowriteareviewofthegroupmeetingsandthentoreturnthemtoyou.

2.Encourage—CalleachcoupleduringthenextweekandinvitethemtojoinyouforthenextstudyintheFocusontheFamilyMarriageSeries.

3.Equip—BeginpreparingandbrainstormingnewactivitiesforthenextBiblestudy.

4.Pray—PraisetheLordfortheworkHehasdoneinthelivesofthecouplesinthestudy.Continuetoprayforthesecouplesastheyapplythelessonslearnedinthelastfewweeks.

Notes

SessionOne[1].LindaJ.WaiteandMaggieGallagher,TheCaseforMarriage(NewYork:

Doubleday,2000),p.148.[2].Thisisacompilationofseveralstories.Anyresemblancetoanactualsituation

ispurelycoincidental.

SessionTwo[1].Merriam-Webster’sCollegiateDictionary,10thedition,s.v.“doormat.”[2].Merriam-Webster’sCollegiateDictionary,10thedition,s.v.“submission.”

SessionFour[1].Ibid.,pp.129-131.